!    A good move
!!   An excellent move
!!!  An I.A. Horowitz move
-- E.C.O.
%%
#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
#define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\
			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\
			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))

-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
%%
"(Humanity) is the measure of all things."
-- Protagoras
%%
"(The Chief Programmer) personally defines the functional and performance
 specifications, designs the program, codes it, tests it, and writes its
 documentation... He needs great talent, ten years experience and
 considerable systems and applications knowledge, whether in applied
 mathematics, business data handling, or whatever."
-- Fred P. Brooks, _The Mythical Man Month_
%%
(To Walter Cronkite):
"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number 
 of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running 
 up and down a street."
- Neil Armstrong
%%
(null cookie; hope that's ok)
%%
**ROG** writes
> ...who have no clue about reality.  Nothing could compare with
> the beauty of the real world around us and you should work as hard
> at preserving the environment and making the world safe for our progeny as
> you do at hiding in your computer screens.   I bet you couldn't
> read a story from alt.sex.bondage without getting an erection.

Could someone please tell me how to access the "alt.sex.bondage"
newsgroup?
-- Robert Ward (rw23+@andrew.cmu.edu)
%%
"*Real* wizards don't whine about how they paid their dues."
-- Quentin Johnson (quent@atanasoff.cs.iastate.edu)
%%
------------------------------
"I don't even listen to 2 Live Crew, being more of a John Denver kind of guy."
-- Scott Dietzen
------------------------------
"First off, I'm embarrassed to be Dietzen's friend because I don't like
 anyone who listens to John Denver.  I want everyone to know that he threw
 that in there just to make you think he was a complete idiot."
-- Bill Chiles
------------------------------
%%
  ... The subtlety of these methods implies an important source of
  unreliability; unreliable error recovery.  Thus it is important that
  system testing pay meticulous attention to fault simulation to
  uncover weaknesses in the recovery.  Data taken on electronic
  switching systems show that failure to recover from simplex faults
  is usually a significant source of total outage time....

-- Edwin A. Irland, "Assuring Quality and Reliability of Complex Electronic
    Systems: Hardware and Software," Proceedings of the IEEE, January 1988
%%
"... You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't."

"But that's not *fair*!"

"Of course it's not fair. We're *evil*. Look it up."
%%
"... and I realized, we did not live in a scientific society."
-- R. P. Feynman, "Cargo cult science"
%%
"... they [the Indians] are not running but are coming on."
--- note sent from Lt. Col Custer to other officers
    of the 7th Regiment at the Little Bighorn
%%
"... users of a tool are willing to meet you halfway; if you do ninety percent
 of the job, they will be ecstatic."
-- Software Tools, p.136.
%%
"... you're my best friend.  I don't have to be nice to you.
Besides, everybody knows I'm a jerk."
-- Wally West (the new Flash)
%%
        "...'fire' does not matter, 'earth' and 'air' and 'water' do not
matter.  'I' do not matter.  No word matters.  But man forgets reality
and remembers words.  The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his
fellows esteem him.  He looks upon the great transformations of the
world, but he does not see them as they were seen when man looked upon
reality for the first time.  Their names come to his lips and he smiles
as he tastes them, thinking he knows them in the naming."
-- Siddartha, _Lord_of_Light_ by Roger Zelazny
%%
.... Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
the person making the claim, not the critic.  It is not the responsibility
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
or colored lights never healed anyone.  The skeptic's role is to point out
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
the accepted body of scientific evidence. ...
-- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, pg. 215
%%
.... The book is worth attention for only two reasons:  (1) it attacks
attempts to expose sham paranormal studies; and (2) it is very well and
plausibly written and so rather harder to dismiss or refute by simple
jeering.
-- Harry Eagar, reviewing "Beyond the Quantum" by Michael Talbot,
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 200-201
%%
.... The cable had passed us by; the dish was the only hope, and eventually
we were all forced to turn to it.  By the summer of '85, the valley had more
satellite dishes per capita than an Eskimo village on the north slope of
Alaska.

Mine was one of the last to go in.  I had been nervous from the start about
the hazards of too much input, which is a very real problem with these
things.  Watching TV becomes a full-time job when you can scan 200 channels
all day and all night and still have the option of punching Night Dreams
into the video machine, if the rest of the world seems dull.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Full-time scrambling", _Generation of Swine_
%%
.... The important thing isn't so much *what* you want to ban; it's the fact
that you participate in the banning process.  That's what democracy is all
about.
-- Dave Barry, What To Ban On Video, _Bad Habits_
%%
.... The neutron bomb is a nuclear device that kills people without destroying
buildings.  Many people feel this is inhumane; they much prefer the old-
fashioned humane-type nuclear devices that kill people *and* destroy
buildings.

Western Europe's reaction to the neutron bomb has been mixed: most buildings
are for it, and most people are against it, on the grounds that it might
kill them.  They're always wallowing in sentiment, those Western Europeans.
-- Dave Barry, _Bad Habits_
%%
....And no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers.  No matter how assured
we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions.  This is true in religion as
it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive.
As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be
advised to leave them to heaven.  They will not, unfortunately, do us the
same courtesy.  They attack us and each other, and whatever their 
protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword.  My own belief in
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the
most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians
are frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure
of Jesus because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.
Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every
recognized Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas,
resort to formal lying to obscure such reality.
-- Steve Allen, comedian, from an essay in the book "The Courage of 
     Conviction", edited by Philip Berman
%%
....Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected it.
There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 
prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you
may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.
-- Carl Sagan, The Burden of Skepticism, Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. 12, pg. 46
%%
....At that time [the 1960s], Bell Laboratories scientists projected that
computer speeds as high as 30 million floating-point calculations per
second (megaflops) would be needed for the Army's ballistic missile
defense system.  Many computer experts -- including a National Academy
of Sciences panel -- said achieving such speeds, even using multiple
processors, was impossible.  Today, new generation supercomputers operate
at billions of operations per second (gigaflops).
-- Aviation Week & Space Technology, May 9, 1988, "Washington Roundup", pg 13
%%
....Compare this with the unit of facial beauty, the Helen, first defined
by C. Marlowe.  A milliHelen, of course, will launch just one ship.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "Devil's Advocate", _UNIX Review_, May 1991
%%
....I don't care for the term 'mechanistic'. The word 'cybernetic' is a lot
more apropos. The mechanistic world-view is falling further and further behind
the real world where even simple systems can produce the most marvelous
chaos. 
-- Peter da Silva
%%
....I would go so far as to suggest that, were it not for our ego and 
concern to be different, the African apes would be included in our 
family, the Hominidae.
-- Richard Leakey
%%
....It is sad to find him belaboring the science community for its united
opposition to ignorant creationists who want teachers and textbooks to
give equal time to crank arguments that have advanced not a step beyond
the flyblown rhetoric of Bishop Wilberforce and William Jennings Bryan.
-- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life", 
    The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131
%%
....One thing is that, unlike any other Western democracy that I know of,
this country has operated since its beginnings with a basic distrust of 
government.  We are constituted not for efficient operation of government,
but for minimizing the possibility of abuse of power.  It took the events
of the Roosevelt era -- a catastrophic economic collapse and a world war --
to introduce the strong central government that we now know.  But in most
parts of the country today, the reluctance to have government is still
strong.  I think, barring a series of catastrophic events, that we can
look to at least another decade during which many of the big problems
around this country will have to be addressed by institutions other than
federal government.
-- Bobby R. Inman, Admiral, USN, Retired, former director of Naval
   Intelligence, vice director of the DIA, former director of the NSA,
   deputy director of Central Intelligence, former chairman and CEO of MCC.
[the statist opinions expressed herein are not those of the cookie editor -ed.]
%%
....Saure really turns out to be an adept at the difficult art of papryomancy,
the ability to prophesy through contemplating the way people roll reefers -
the shape, the licking pattern, the wrinkles and folds or absence thereof
in the paper.  "You will soon be in love," sez Saure, "see, this line here."
"It's long, isn't it?  Does that mean --" "Length is usually intensity.
Not time."
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%%
....Tucker v. Texas, 326 U.S. 517 (1946), in which a statute punishing 
door-to-door distribution of literature was held invalid as an 
abridgment of freedom of the press.
-- Supreme Court decision quoted by Mike Godwin in comp.org.eff.talk
%%
....Veloz is indistinguishable from hundreds of other electronics businesses
in the Valley, run by eager young engineers poring over memory dumps late
into the night.  The difference is that a bunch of self-confessed "car nuts"
are making money doing what they love: writing code and driving fast.
-- "Electronics puts its foot on the gas", IEEE Spectrum, May 88
%%
....computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
gain in 30 years.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
....cyberpunk wants to see the mind as mechanistic & duplicable,
challenging basic assumptions about the nature of individuality & self.
That seems all the better reason to assume that cyberpunk art & music is
essentially mindless garbagio. Willy certainly addressed this idea in
"Count Zero," with Katatonenkunst, the automatic box-maker and the girl's
observation that the real art was the building of the machine itself, 
rather than its output.
-- Eliot Handelman
%%
....difference of opinion is advantageious in religion.  The several sects
perform the office of a common censor morum over each other.  Is uniformity
attainable?  Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
-- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
%%
....henry@zoo.toronto.edu (Henry Spencer) wrote:
>The trouble is that getdate() is relatively
>costly and Geoff is reluctant to run it on every single article

....and then all sorts of people started coming up with rube goldberg
schemes to avoid parsing dates.  However, it turns out that even using
C news's getdate (which is 10% slower than the B news version), parsing
the dates in every article in a full Usenet feed takes about five Sun 3
CPU seconds per day.  And if you were to use the lex-based date parser
included in the MH distribution, you could get it down below a second
per day, although it hardly seems worth the (minimal) effort.

-- Jef Poskanzer (jef@well.sf.ca.us)
%%
....it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
-- Sidney Hook
%%
....the Soviets have the capability to try big projects.  If there is a goal,
such as when Gorbachev states that they are going to have nuclear-powered
aircraft carriers, the case is closed -- that is it.  They will concentrate
on the problem, do a bad job, and later pay the price.  They really don't
care what the price is.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
%%
....the increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and quality
tools is essential to meet ever increasing demands for software.
-- M. D. McIlroy, E. N. Pinson and B. A. Tague
%%
....the prevailing Catholic odor - incense, wax, centuries of mild bleating
from the lips of the flock.
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%%
....there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action is
the practice of truth.
-- George Jacob Holyoake
%%
....this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried under six
million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
-- The Firesign Theater
%%
....though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of
sewage from beginning to end.
-- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
%%
....we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
observations and inferences by the thousands.  The earth is billions of
years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
descent.  Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
flat nor at the center of the universe?  Science *has* taught us some
things with confidence!  Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
established as our planet's shape and position.  Our continuing struggle
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
into doubt.
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", The Skeptical Inquirer,
    Vol XII No. 2
%%
....when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has
 been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
"...Greg Nowak:  `Another flame from greg' - need I say more?"
-- Jonathan D. Trudel, trudel@caip.rutgers.edu

"No.  You need to say less."
-- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM
%%
"...I could accept this openness, glasnost, perestroika, or whatever you want
to call it if they did these things: abolish the one party system; open the
Soviet frontier and allow Soviet people to travel freely; allow the Soviet
people to have real free enterprise; allow Western businessmen to do business
there, and permit freedom of speech and of the press.  But so far, the whole
country is like a concentration camp.  The barbed wire on the fence around
the Soviet Union is to keep people inside, in the dark.  This openness that
you are seeing, all these changes, are cosmetic and they have been designed
to impress shortsighted, naive, sometimes stupid Western leaders.  These
leaders gush over Gorbachev, hoping to do business with the Soviet Union or
appease it.  He will say: "Yes, we can do business!"  This while his
military machine in Afghanistan has killed over a million people out of a
population of 17 million.  Can you imagine that?
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110
%%
"...I think that when statesmen forsake their private conscience for the sake
 of their public duties, they lead their country by a short route to chaos."
-- Sir Thomas Moore to Cardinal Woolsey in _A Man for All Seasons_
%%
"...I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by 
reorganizing: and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion 
of progress, while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralization."
-- Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C.
%%
"...Local prohibitions cannot block advances in military and commercial
 technology... Democratic movements for local restraint can only restrain
 the world's democracies, not the world as a whole."
-- K. Eric Drexler
%%
"...Or, I may not feel that my belief-system needs to be self-consistent
 in a post-Goedelian epoch."
-- Dan'l Danehy-Oakes
%%
"...The Universe is thronged with fire and light,
 And we but smaller suns, which, skinned, trapped and kept
 Enshrined in blood and precious bones, hold back the night."
-- Ray Bradbury
%%
"...Then anyone who leaves behind him a written manual, and likewise
anyone who receives it, in the belief that such writing will be clear
and certain, must be exceedingly simple-minded..."   
-- Plato, _Phaedrus_
%%
  ...These lovers of esoterica seem to derive a great deal of intellectual
  satisfaction out of not quite understanding what they are doing.
%%
"...a most excellent barbarian ... Genghis Kahn!"
-- _Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure_
%%
"...all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987
%%
"...an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension."
-- Roger M. Knutson, in _Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common Animals of 
  Roads, Streets,and Highways_ 
%%
      ...and before I knew what I was doing, I had kicked the
      typewriter and threw it around the room and made it beg for
      mercy.  At this point the typewriter pleaded for me to dress
      him in feminine attire but instead I pressed his margin release
      over and over again until the typewriter lost consciousness.
      Presently, I regained consciousness and realized with shame what
      I had done.  My shame is gone and now I am looking for a
      submissive typewriter, any color, or model.  No electric
      typewriters please!
-- Rick Kleiner
%%
"...and it's finished!  It only has to be written."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"...as long as there is a Legion of super-Heroes, all else can surely
be made right."
-- Sensor Girl
%%
"...cops and reporters are much alike. Both are absolutely dedicated to
doing the job at hand, regardless of obstacles. And both, deep down, really
believe the rules don't apply to them."
-- Jim Barlow, Houston Chronicle
%%
"...make -k all to compile everything in the core distribution.  This
will take anywhere from 15 minutes (on a Cray Y-MP) to 12 hours."
-- X Window System Release Notes
%%
"...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking
 zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs."
-- Robert Firth
%%
"...poetry, like chastity, can be carried too far."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"...proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect."
- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in "The History of Manned Space
Flight"
%%
"...public television is one of the most extravagant, over-capitalized
institutions in our society .. a huge national conglomerate ...l almost
every one of the major local stations in public television has
an elaborate, state-of-the-art, and very expensive production
facility.  Most ... are scarcely used ... but there they are: costing
money and gathering dust."
-- C. M. Lichenstein, former Sr. VP, PBS
%%
"...skill such as yours is evidence of a misspent youth."
-- Herbert Spencer
%%
"...the American dream, in recent years the object of much
 denigration even within our own borders, turns out to have been
 the world's dream, as well."
-- Louis Rukeyser, on events in Eastern Europe
%%
"...the Pro-Life Action League opposes *all* forms of contraception..."
-- Joseph Scheidler, Executive Director, Pro-Life Action League,
    from The Wanderer, August 10, 1989, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking
    For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"...the value of the constitution depends on the good will
of government itself.  If the Supreme Court rules that the
Bill of Rights should not interfere with the important
business of government (which they have done on at least
two occasions), then the constitution is meaningless."
-- John Kormylo
%%
"...what's happening... we're huntin wabbits"
"Actually, muslim wabbits"
-- LAPD squad-car computer messages, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91
%%
"...what's the point of ... new technology if you can't find some way to 
 pervert it?"
-- G. A. Effinger, "Marid Changes His Mind", IASFM, 1/90
%%
"...word came down from on high that the group's members are to gather two of 
 everything and put them on the ARC before the forty days and forty nights of 
 rain come and wipe out the current systems and standards."
---James P. Roynan
in LAN Computing, July 1991
%%
/*
 * this atrocity is necessary on SPARC because registers modified
 * by the child get propagated back to the parent via the window
 * save/restore mechanism.
 */
-- SunOS 4.0 vfork.h
%%
 0001 Have you ever used a computer?
 0002 ... for more than 4 hours continuously?
 0003 ... more than 8 hours?
 0004 ... more than 16 hours?
 0005 ... more than 32 hours?
-- from The Hacker Test, Version 1.0, by Felix Lee, John Hayes and Angela Thomas
%%
1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.
%%
186,000 Miles per Second.  It's not just a good idea.  IT'S THE LAW.
%%
 1955-1975: 36 Elvis movies.
 1975-1989: nothing.
-- Tom Neff
%%
"36 percent of the American Public believes that boiling radioactive milk
 makes it safe to drink."
-- results of a survey by Jon Miller at Northern Illinois University
%%
"40% of the water consumed in the Imperial Valley goes to grow sedan
 grass for export to Japan for raising Kobi beef."
-- Dan Beard, Staff Director, House Interior Committee,
    Water Policy in Western U.S., Regional Reporters Association, 5/20/91
%%
8)   Use common sense in routing cable.  Avoid wrapping coax around sources of
     strong electric or magnetic fields.  Do not wrap the cable around
     fluorescent light ballasts or cyclotrons, for example.
-- Ethernet Headstart Product, Information and Installation Guide,
   Bell Technologies, pg. 11
%%
"90% of the water used in Nevada is for agriculture, yet fewer people are
 employed by agriculture in Nevada than at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas."
-- Dan Beard, Staff Director, House Interior Committee,
    Water Policy in Western U.S., Regional Reporters Association, 5/20/91
%%
> From MAILER-DAEMON@Think.COM Thu Mar  2 13:59:11 1989
> Subject: Returned mail: unknown mailer error 255

"Dale, your address no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?"
-- Bill Wolfe (wtwolfe@hubcap.clemson.edu)

"Bill, Your brain no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?"
-- Karl A. Nyberg (nyberg@ajpo.sei.cmu.edu)
%%
> The Independent quotes this from The Progressive, Sept. 1990:
> 
> "Louisiana State Rep. Carl Gunter, explaining why abortion should
> not be permitted even when the pregnancy results from incest:
> 'The way we get thoroughbred horses is through inbreeding.  With
> incest, you could get super-smart kids.'"

This undoubtedly explains State Representative Gunter's visibly high 
intelligence...
-- Lefty (lefty@twg.com)
%%
>>> >This is revisionist history.
>>> This is crap.
>>This is a lie.
>This is boring.

This is USENET... 

-- Hank Bovis (hb@Virginia.EDU), 
    other attributions removed to protect the guilty
%%
>From Michael Davis' article "Thinking Like an Engineer: the Place of a Code of
Ethics in the Practice of a Profession", Philosophy and Public Affairs, Spring
1991, Vol. 20 #2:

   "Lund's [the engineer who expressed concern about the Challenger's O-rings]
   first response was to repeat his objections.  But then Mason said
   something that made him think again.  Mason asked him to THINK LIKE A
   MANAGER INSTEAD OF AN ENGINEER (the exact words seemed to have been "take
   off your engineering hat and put on your management hat.")  Lund did and
   changed his mind. The next morning the shuttle exploded, killing all aboard.
   An O-ring had failed."
-- RISKS-FORUM Digest 11.84
%%
>I would like to see a dictionary of Usenet slang written and added to the
>n.a.newusers postings.
-- Boyd Nation (boyd@ingr.com)

IMHO, if some newby wants a n.a.n newsfroup dictionary of net.slang put in
the crontab of a net.god's backbone site, the silly JEDR should email
him instead of posting the start of a flamefest I have to put in my kill
file or unsubscribe to.  BTW, that posting was a megabyte gilly.  What
a maroney!  Almost half a waldron of pompousity.  Imminent death of the
net predicted.  Perhaps he should ask his SO or MOTOS what net.slang
means.  Of if his MOTAS is a MOTSS, he should ask him?  Or just post his
question to /dev/null.

BTW, IMHO if you understood this whole posting, you've been on the
net far too long.  BCNU  :-)  TTFN.

-- Brad Templeton (brad@looking.on.ca)
%%
>One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative.

Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
-- Chuq Von Rospach, chuq@Apple.COM 
%%
>Optimisation is not free. Gratuitous optimisation can be translated directly
>into missing features or later release dates. 
-- Peter da Silva (peter@ficc.ferranti.com)

....and more bugs.  

....and performance optimization without thoughtful performance testing 
is usually misdirected and, as above, at best does nothing and at worse
delays/worsens the product and drives up life-cycle costs.
-- your humble cookie editor
%%
>The "Catholic Church" *is not* the one true church.  The Holy Orthodox
>[Eastern] Christian Church is the one and only repository of the *fullness* 
>of Christ's teachings. 

Sorry, but the one _true_ church is the Church of the Forgotten Son, where
we worship the Almighty earthworm.  Not only is it more true than any of
the Christian churches, it's also less fulfilling and it tastes great.
Just thought you'd like to know.
-- Andrew. Kalinowitsch (kalin@cbnewsm.att.com)
%%
>This is a duplicate article, and old as hell...now, who could be doing this???

"Somebody along the line fucked up."
-- Spenser Aden
%%
>Try staring at someone from a substantial distance.
>(Eventually they will turn around.)
 
ASTOUNDING! We all know that *without* telepathy staring at the back of a
person's head would freeze them into helpless immobility!

Corollary: try staring at a cloud. eventually it will MOVE!
This parapsychology stuff is the GINCHIEST!!

-- Tim Mitchell, (swordfis@pnet51.orb.mn.org)
%%
>You may redistribute this article only to those who may freely do likewise.
>Chip Salzenberg at A T Engineering;  <chip@ateng.com> or <uunet!ateng!chip>

Thanks.  I think I'll just flush it.
-- Dale C. Cook, cook@pinocchio.Encore.COM
%%
"???"
-- DEC's RSTS/E operating system
%%
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is
having fun.
%%
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
- Everett Dirksen
%%
"A bit of tolerance is worth a megabyte of flaming."
-- Henry Spencer
%%
"A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an
outside force."
-- Carol Reichel
%%
"A book is the product of a contract with the Devil that inverts the Faustian
 contract, he'd told Allie.  Dr Faustus sacrificed eternity in return for two
 dozen years of power; the writer agrees to the ruination of his life, and
 gains (but only if he's lucky) maybe not eternity, but posterity, at least.
 Either way (this was Jumpy's point) it's the Devil who wins."
-- Salman Rushdie, _The Satanic Verses_
%%
"A box of punchcards could theoretically store 240,000 bytes of information,
 and usually stored less than 80,000.  Think about it."
-- Karlie-q
%%
"A burrito is almost always a wonderful thing."
-- karl@neosoft.com
%%
"A car is just a big purse on wheels."
-- Johanna Reynolds
%%
"A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a 
perfectly good kitten."
-- Doug Larson
%%
A comment from the Space Shuttle (!) computer IPL code, power failure handling:

     "OK!  LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT.  I'M IN CHARGE OF THE CPU FOR THE
      NEXT 40 MILLISECONDS!"
%%
A comment on schedules:
 Ok, how long will it take?    
   For each manager involved in initial meetings add one month.
   For each manager who says "data flow analysis" add another month.
   For each unique end-user type add one month.
   For each unknown software package to be employed add two months.
   For each unknown hardware device add two months.
   For each 100 miles between developer and installation add one month.
   For each type of communication channel add one month.
   If an IBM mainframe shop is involved and you are working on a non-IBM
      system add 6 months.
   If an IBM mainframe shop is involved and you are working on an IBM
      system add 9 months.
Round up to the nearest half-year.
--Brad Sherman
By the way, ALL software projects are done by iterative prototyping.
Some companies call their prototypes "releases", that's all.
%%
"A commercial, and in some respects a social, doubt has been started within the
 last year or two, whether or not it is right to discuss so openly the security
 or insecurity of locks.  Many well-meaning persons suppose that the discus-
 sion respecting the means for baffling the supposed safety of locks offers a
 premium for dishonesty, by showing others how to be dishonest.  This is a fal-
 lacy.  Rogues are very keen in their profession, and already know much more
 than we can teach them respecting their several kinds of roguery.  Rogues knew
 a good deal about lockpicking long before locksmiths discussed it among them-
 selves, as they have lately done.  If a lock -- let it have been made in what-
 ever country, or by whatever maker -- is not so inviolable as it has hitherto
 been deemed to be, surely it is in the interest of *honest* persons to know
 this fact, because the *dishonest* are tolerably certain to be the first to
 apply the knowledge practically; and the spread of knowledge is necessary to
 give fair play to those who might suffer by ignorance.  It cannot be too ear-
 nestly urged, that an acquaintance with real facts will, in the end, be better
 for all parties."
-- Charles Tomlinson's Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks, 
   published around 1850 
%%
"A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple
system that worked."
-- John Gall, _Systemantics_
%%
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
-- anon
%%
A conjecture both deep and profound
Is whether a circle is round.
	In a paper of Erdos
	written in Kurdish
A counterexample is found.
%%
"A dirty mind is a joy forever."
-- Randy Kunkee
%%
"A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought."
-- Lord Peter Wimsey (Dorothy L. Sayers, "Gaudy Night")
%%
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
-- Samuel Johnson
%%
"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
-- Mandelbrot, _The Fractal Geometry of Nature_
%%
"A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular."
-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
%%
A good USENET motto would be:
 a. "Together, a strong community."
 b. "Computers R Us."
 c. "I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just screw around for a while on 
     company time."
-- A Sane Man
%%
A good workman is known by his tools.
%%
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging 
their prejudices."
-- William James
%%
"A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
 He follows a lifestyle we don't endorse,
 He drinks the blood of a sheep, by force,   
 The vampire horse, Count Ed!"               
 -- Ron (lev0@midway.uchicago.edu)
%%
A host is a host from coast to coast
And no one will talk to a host that's close
Unless the host (that isn't close)
is busy, hung or dead.
-- David Lesher (wb8foz@mthvax.cs.miami.edu)
%%
"A killer stalks the halls of my high school. Innocent cheerleaders die
by knife. Teachers lock the classroom doors. I must find him, or I'll
flunk."
-- From a poem by Peggy Nadramia
%%
"A lecture is where the notes of the professor become the notes
 of the student without passing through the mind of either one."
-- anon
%%
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a
communist.
%%
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
- Bismarck
%%
"A little rebellion now and then is a good thing."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers.  Consider Unix,
APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, a big TV with a hi-fi VCR and a nice stereo, a 
full fridge, a microwave, a UNIX system, two phone lines, a high speed modem, 
and thou.
%%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  
I believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
%%
A lot of the stuff I do is so minimal, and it's designed to be minimal.
The smallness of it is what's attractive.  It's weird, 'cause it's so
intellectually lame.  It's hard to see me doing that for the rest of
my life.  But at the same time, it's what I do best.
-- Chris Elliot, writer and performer on "Late Night with David Letterman"
%%
"A man about to speak the truth should keep one foot in the stirrup."
-- Old Mongolian Saying
%%
"A man came into the the office one day and said he was a sailor.  We
cured him of that." 
-- Mark Twain, on his days as a doctor's apprentice in California
%%
A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.
%%
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
%%
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
%%
"A mighty work deserves a mighty theme."
-- Herman Melville
%%
"A mind is a terrible thing to have leaking out your ears."
-- The League of Sadistic Telepaths
%%
A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
A netnews signature file:

Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT for so | Evan M. Manning
long.  You feel sleepy.  Notice how restful it is  |      is
to watch the cursor blink.  Close your eyes.  The  | gleeper@tybalt.caltech.edu
opinions stated above are yours.  You cannot       | manning@mars.jpl.nasa.gov
imagine why you ever felt otherwise.               |
%%
"A pacifist who calls the police isn't one; hired violence is still violence."
-- Clayton E. Cramer optilink!cramer
%%
A penny saved is a penny to squander.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
A person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is
never sure.
-- Proverb
%%
A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
-- George Wald
%%
"A poet only writes about the things he cannot do."
-- A canard, sung by Meg in "The One Love of My Life",
    in Lerner's and Lowe's "Brigadoon"
%%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%%
A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle
unless there be two.
-- Seneca
%%
"A reasonable doubt for a reasonable fee"
-- Motto of Hunter S. Thompson's lawyer
%%
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
-- Ramsey Clark
%%
A second voice interrupted, cutting off the controller.  "Pleiades, this is
Station Commander Perez.  Prepare to receive emergency telemetry."

"Affirmative."  Teresa swallowed, knowing what this meant.  She felt Mark
lean past her to make sure the ship's datasuck boxes were operating at top
speed.  In that mode they recorded every nuance for one purpose only, so
endangered spacers could obey rule number one of their trade . . .

	*Let the next guy know what killed you.*

-- David Brin, _Earth_
%%
A selection from the Taoist Writings:

"Lao-Tan asked Confucius: `What do you mean by benevolence and righteousness?'
 Confucius said:  `To be in one's inmost heart in kindly sympathy with all 
 things; to love all men and allow no selfish thoughts: this is the nature
 of benevolence and righteousness.'"
-- Kwang-tzu
%%
A serious public debate about the validity of astrology?  A serious believer
in the White House?  Two of them?  Give me a break.  What stifled my laughter
is that the image fits.  Reagan has always exhibited a fey indifference toward
science.  Facts, like numbers, roll off his back.  And we've all come to
accept it.  This time it was stargazing that became a serious issue....Not
that long ago, it was Reagan's support of Creationism....Creationists actually
got equal time with evolutionists.  The public was supposed to be open-minded
to the claims of paleontologists and fundamentalists, as if the two were
scientific colleagues....It has been clear for a long time that the president
is averse to science...In general, these attitudes fall onto friendly American
turf....But at the outer edges, this skepticism about science easily turns
into a kind of naive acceptance of nonscience, or even nonsense.  The same
people who doubt experts can also believe any quackery, from the benefits of
laetrile to eye of newt to the movement of planets.  We lose the capacity to
make rational -- scientific -- judgments.  It's all the same.
-- Ellen Goodman, The Boston Globe Newspaper Company-Washington Post Writers 
    Group
%%
"A slower system is better than an incorrect one."
-- Mark Diekhans (markd@grizzly.com)
%%
A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.
%%
A stitch in time saves nine.
%%
"A stitch in time would have confused Einstein."
-- Anonymous
%%
A student asked the master for help... does this program run from the
Workbench? The master grabbed the mouse and pointed to an icon. "What is
this?" he asked. The student replied "That's the mouse". The master pressed
control-Amiga-Amiga and hit the student on the head with the Amiga ROM Kernel
Manual.
-- Amiga Zen Master Peter da Silva
%%
"A survey is being made of this":  We need more time to think of an answer.
--Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
"A system of economy is good when ... the farmer, the manufacturer, and the 
 trader enjoy the full liberty of their property, their production, and their 
 industry."
-- Eschasseriaux
%%
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.
%%
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on."
- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
A well known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russell) once gave a public
lecture on astronomy.  He described how the earth orbits around the sun and
how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast collection of stars
called our galaxy.  At the end of the lecture, a little old lady at the back
of the room got up and said: "What you have just told is rubbish.  The world
is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise."  The 
scientist gave a superior smile before replying, "What is the tortise standing
on?"  "You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the old lady.  "But
it's turtles all the way down!"
-- Stephen Hawking, _A Brief History of Time_
%%
"A witty saying proves nothing."
-- Voltaire
%%
AN EXPOSTULATION (Against too many writers of science fiction)
	
Why did you lure us on like this,
Light-year on light-year, through the abyss,
Building (as though we cared for size!)
Empire that cover galaxies,
If at journey's end we find
The same old stuff we left behind,
Well-worn Tellurian stories of
Crooks, spies, conspirators, or love,
Whose setting might as well have been
The Bronx, Montmartre, or Bethnel Green?
	
Why should I leave this green floored cell,
Roofed with blue air, in which we dwell,
Unless, outside its guarded gates,
Long, long desired, the Unearthly waits,
Strangeness that moves us more than fear,
Beauty that stabs with tingling spear,
Or Wonder, laying on one's heart
That finger tip at which we start
As if some thought too swift and shy
For some reason's grasp had just gone by?
-- C. S. Lewis
%%
"ARTICLE NUMBERING IS IRRELEVANT.  ENCOURAGEMENT IS IRRELEVANT.  YOU WILL 
 BECOME ONE WITH THE BORG."
-- Martin F. Rose (mfrose@caen.engin.umich.edu)
%%
Abandon all hope, ye who press ENTER here.
%%
Absolute:  Independent, irresponsible.  An absolute monarchy is one in which
the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.  Not
many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by
limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is
greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Abstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but
abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
%%
"Ada is PL/I trying to be Smalltalk.
-- Codoso diBlini
%%
"Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist."
- Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie
%%
Adapt.  Enjoy.  Survive.
%%
Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit.
[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
-- OVID
%%
Administration:  An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive
the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
%%
After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.
- Freeman Dyson
%%
"After SPACE BALLS, the Movie, now comes SPACE BALLS, the Operating System,
 on Your nearby IBM Mainframe..."
-- Till Poser (f35pos@dhhdesy3.bitnet)
%%
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
%%
	``After all, 13 years of being battered, pushed and otherwise
tormented is a long, long time. On the other hand ... you can't expect
me just to run away,'' he said.
-- L.A. Police Chief Darryl Gates, as quoted in the UPI story, "L.A. police
    chief rejects suggestion of retirement", 7/9/91
%%
After all, financiers just own things, while a skilled person with a job
he loves has much, much more.
-- David Brin, _Earth_
%%
"After one week [visiting Austria] I couldn't wait to go back to the United 
States.  Everything was much more pleasant in the United States, because of
the mentality of being open-minded, always positive.  Everything you want to
do in Europe is just, 'No way.  No one has ever done it.'  They haven't any
more the desire to go out to conquer and achieve -- I realized that I had much
more the American spirit."
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
%%
"After the first year, Captain Kirk lost his secretary, Yeoman Rand.  
 She used to bring him coffee (even heating it with a hand phaser in
 times of galley distress) and hand him clipboards with flashing lights
 on them for him to initial.  I wonder whatever happened to her..."
-- karl@neosoft.com
%%
After winning the decathlon, Jim Thorpe was told by the King of Sweden, "You 
are the world's greatest athlete."
Thorpe replied, "Thanks, King."
%%
After winning the pennant one year, Casey Stengel commented,
"I couldn'ta done it without my players."
%%
"Against stupidity the very gods themselves contend in vain."
-- Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller
%%
"Aging is bad, but consider the alternative."
-- anon
%%
"Ahead warp factor 1"
- Captain Kirk
%%
"Ahhh.  A man with a sharp wit.  Someone ought to take it away from him
 before he cuts himself." 
-- Peter da Silva, peter@sugar.hackercorp.com
%%
	Algie's last letter to Lidia was written only a few days before
he died, but reached her some weeks later, as he had neglected to mark
it 'Correo Aereo'.  In this letter he reported the discovery of several
new contradictions in terms and mentioned, among other things, that
Piero della Francesca died on the same day that Columbus discovered
America, and that there is in Mexico a rat poison called The Last
Supper.  Such information is hard to come by these days; now that Algie
was gone, Lidia could not readily think of another source.
-- Shirley Hazzard, "Nothing in Excess"
%%
"All Bibles are man-made."
-- Thomas Edison
%%
"All God's children are not beautiful.	Most of God's children are, in fact, 
 barely presentable."
-- Fran Lebowitz
%%
"All I ask of my body is that it carry around my head."
-- Thomas Alva Edison
%%
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
-- Kingfish
%%
"All Marxists, basically, are reactionaries, yearning for the Oriental
 despotisms of pre-Hellenic times, the neolithic culture that preceded
 the rise of self-consciousness and egoism."
-- Robert Anton Wilson, writing as "Justin Case".
%%
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
%%
"All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called 
 Huckleberry Finn."
-- Ernest Hemingway
%%
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."
-- Jane Wagner
%%
All obvious theorems are true.
-- Pommersheim's Principle

All true theorems are obvious.
-- Keane's Kriterion
%%
"All of the books in the world contain no more information than is
broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year.
Not all bits have equal value."
-- Carl Sagan
%%
"All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda
system, there is constant pressure to make people feel that they are
helpless, that the only role they can have is to ratify decisions and
to consume."
-- Noam Chomsky
%%
All programmers are optimists.  Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers.  Perhaps the hundreds
of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
goal.  Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
and the young are always optimists.  But however the selection process works,
the result is indisputable:  "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
the last bug."
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
All religions have in common the periodical childlike surrender to a
Provider or providers who dispense earthly fortune as well as spiritual
health; some demonstrations of man's smallness by means of reduced
posture and humble gesture, the admission in prayer and song of misdeeds,
of misthoughts, and of evil intentions; fervent appeal for inner uni-
fication by divine guidance; and finally, the insight that individual
trust must become part of the ritual practice of man, and must become
a sign of trustworthiness in the community.
-- psychologist Erik Erikson
%%
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
%%
"All the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in.  I'm glad they
 are a snowman with protective rubber skin." 
-- They Might Be Giants
%%
"All the system's paths must be topologically and circularly interrelated for 
 conceptually definitive, locally transformable, polyhedronal understanding to 
 be attained in our spontaneous -- ergo, most economical -- geodesiccally 
 structured thoughts."
-- R. Buckminster Fuller [...and a total non-sequitur as far as I can tell -kl]
%%
"All these black people are screwing up my democracy." 
-- Ian Smith
%%
All things are either sacred or profane.
The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;
The latter to the devil appertain.
-- Dumbo Omohundro
%%
"All this will not be finished in the first 100 days.  Nor will it be finished
 in the first 1,000 days, nor in the life of this administration, nor even 
 perhaps in our lifetime on this planet.  But let us begin."
-- John F. Kennedy (from his Inaugural Address)
%%
"All those moments will be lost, in time, like tears in rain.  Time to die."
-- Roy Batty, in Blade Runner
%%
"All through human history, tyrannies have tried to enforce obedience by
 prohibiting disrespect for the symbols of their power.  The swastika is
 only one example of many in recent history."
-- American Bar Association task force on flag burning
%%
"All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another."
-- Ortega y Gasset
%%
Alliance:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their
hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately
plunder a third.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
"Allright, nobody move!"
  "Take him, you fools!  He can only shoot one of us!"
"You're the one."
  "Nobody move."
-- Get Smart
%%
Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that
every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be
submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality.  All proffered 
samples of learning must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to 
common tests.  It is the essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that
any such "show-down" is sacrilegious and perverse.  The characteristic
of religion, from their point of view, is that it is intellectually
secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, not generally known; 
authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested in ordinary 
ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion is
conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in
religion in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics
where the method of free inquiry has made its way.  The "religious"
would be the last to be willing that either the history of the
content of religion should be taught in this spirit; while those
to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely a technical device,
but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must protest against
its being taught in any other spirit.
-- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher, 
    from "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%%
"Although Poles suffer official censorship, a pervasive secret police and laws
 similar to those in the USSR, there are thousands of underground publications,
 a legal independent Church, private agriculture, and the East bloc's first and
 only independent trade union federation, NSZZ Solidarnosc, which is an
 affiliate of both the International Confederation of Free Trade Unions and the
 World Confederation of Labor.  There is literally a world of difference
 between Poland - even in its present state of collapse - and Soviet society at
 the peak of its "glasnost."  This difference has been maintained at great cost
 by the Poles since 1944.
-- David Phillips, SUNY at Buffalo, about establishing a
   gateway from EARN (European Academic Research Network)
   to Poland
%%
"Although plastic was brought into industrial use in 1909 by L.H.
 Baekeland of Yonkers, it was not until after World War II that the
 modern miracle substance was used in a wide variety of consumer
 goods, among them speedboats, dentures and flamingos. Previously
 flamingos were made of cement.  Before that they were made by other
 flamingos."
-- William E. Geist, The New York Times
%%
Always look over your shoulder because everyone is watching and plotting
against you.
%%
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
"America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort."
-- President John F. Kennedy
%%
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
civilization in between.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
-- Allen Ginsberg
%%
"Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to
 the test, usually find it to be an 'inconvenience.'  We have opted instead
 for an authoritarian system *disguised* as a Democracy.  We pay through
 the nose for an enormous joke-of-a-government, let it push us around, and
 then wonder how all those assholes got in there."
--  Frank Zappa
%%
"An Academic speculated whether a bather is beautiful
 if there is none in the forest to admire her. He hid
 in the bushes to find out, which vitiated his premise
 but made him happy.
 Moral: Empiricism is more fun than speculation."
-- Sam Weber
%%
An Animal that knows who it is, one that has a sense of his own identity, is
a discontented creature, doomed to create new problems for himself for the
duration of his stay on this planet.  Since neither the mouse nor the chip
knows what is, he is spared all the vexing problems that follow this
discovery.  But as soon as the human animal who asked himself this question
emerged, he plunged himself and his descendants into an eternity of doubt
and brooding, speculation and truth-seeking that has goaded him through the
centuries as relentlessly as hunger or sexual longing.  The chimp that does
not know that he exists is not driven to discover his origins and is spared
the tragic necessity of contemplating his own end.  And even if the animal 
experimenters succeed in teaching a chimp to count one hundred bananas or 
to play chess, the chimp will develop no science and he will exhibit no 
appreciation of beauty, for the greatest part of man's wisdom may be traced
back to the eternal questions of beginnings and endings, the quest to give
meaning to his existence, to life itself.
-- Selma Fraiberg, _The Magic Years_, pg. 193
%%
"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New 
 Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not 
 the new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
-- David Letterman
%%
"An entire fraternity of strapping Wall-Street-bound youth.  Hell - this
 is going to be a blood bath!"
-- Post Bros. Comics
%%
"An honest god is the noblest work of man.  ... God has always resembled his
 creators.  He hated and loved what they hated and loved and he was invariably
 found on the side of those in power. ... Most of the gods were pleased with
 sacrifice, and the smell of innocent blood has ever been considered a divine
 perfume."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a
 cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup." 
-- H.L. Mencken
%%
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself."
-- Albert Camus
%%
An object never serves the same function as its image -- or its name.
-- Rene Magritte
%%
"An open mind has but one disadvantage: it collects dirt."
-- a saying at RPI
%%
"An organization dries up if you don't challenge it with growth."
-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
%%
"An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code."
-- an anonymous programmer
%%
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgment of God
upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of 
criminal at the bar of justice.
-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer, misogynist
%%
"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?"
-- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)
%%
"And if You exist, why do you let your Evil churches exist????"
-- Michael S. Schechter

"Maybe because He is a libertarian?"
-- Mike Van Pelt
%%
"And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the bible
 were used to beat plowshares into swords..."
-- Alan Watts
%%
And it does matter.  An honest man or woman is an honest man or woman more 
because he or she is honest in the small, everyday things that "don't matter" 
individually, but which make up a well-lived life, than because of some single 
great temptation that was passed.  A person who is concerned about individual 
rights or about individual dignity makes his or her difference not because of 
any sweeping great statement or action, but because of the accretion of small, 
individually seemingly insignificant acts that spread that dignity and confirm 
those rights through every action they take.  It matters because every action 
you take, and every action I take is an expression of the human spirit.  
-- William Oliver (oliver@uncmed.med.unc.edu)
%%
"And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what 
 the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions."
-- David Jones @ Megatest Corporation
%%
"And it's my opinion, and that's only my opinion, you are a lunatic.  Just
 because there are a few hundred other people sharing your lunacy with you
 does not make you any saner.  Doomed, eh?"
-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU
%%
"And it's so portable --- at least, it worked on every VAX that I tried it on."
-- Tim McDaniel (mcdaniel@adi.com) 6 Sep 90,
     <MCDANIEL.90Sep6134938@dolphin.adi.com>
%%
"And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie.
 If you think there's a maniacal psycho-geek in the
 basement:
    1)	Don't give him a chance to hit you on the
	head with an axe!
    2)	Flee the premises... even if you're in your
	underwear.
    3)	Warn the neighbors and call the police.
 But whatever else you do... DON'T GO DOWN IN THE DAMN BASEMENT!"
-- Saturday Night Live meets Friday the 13th
%%
"And now that the legislators and the do-gooders have so futilely inflicted so
 many systems upon society, may they end up where they should have begun: may
 they reject all systems, and try liberty..."
-- Frederic Bastiat
%%
"And remember, rebooting your brain can be tricky."
-- Eric Townsend (erict@flatline)
%%
"And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb."
-- Spaceballs
%%
"And the Lord God said unto Moses -- and correctly, I believe ..."
-- Field Marshal Montgomery, opening a chapel service
%%
And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed,
the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
clothes!  He is naked!"
-- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
%%
"And they told us, what they wanted...
 Was a sound that could kill someone, from a distance."
-- Kate Bush
%%
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that
cometh out of man, in their sight...Then he [the Lord!] said unto me, Lo, I
have given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread
therewith.
[Ezek. 4:12-15 (KJV)]
%%
	"And we heard him exclaim
	 As he started to roam:
	 `I'm a hologram, kids,
	  please don't try this at home!'"
	-- Bob Violence
-- Howie Chaykin's little animated 3-dimensional darling, Bob Violence
%%
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead 
 by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business 
 product: a really sharp-looking report."
-- Dave Barry
%%
Angular momentum makes the world go round.
%%
Annex Canada now!  We need the room, and who's going to stop us?
-- A Tom Neff .signature
%%
Annual drug deaths: tobacco: 395,000, alcohol: 125,000, 'legal' drugs: 38,000,
illegal drug overdoses: 5,200, marijuana: 0.  Considering government subsidies
of tobacco, just what is our government protecting us from in the drug war?
-- William A. Turnbow
%%
Another goal is to establish a relationship "in which it is OK for everybody
to do their best.  There are an awful lot of people in management who really
don't want subordinates to do their best, because it gets to be very
threatening.  But we have found that both internally and with outside
designers if we are willing to have this kind of relationship and if we're
willing to be vulnerable to what will come out of it, we get really good
work."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%%
"Another lesson I learned was not to give pieces of my company away when
 it was small in exchange for investment capital.  In the first place,
 those shares would be worth millions today.  Even more important, when
 you bring in shareholders, the government can start looking around at
 your business and telling you what to do, and let me tell you, the
 government knows *nothing* about running a business!"
-- John McCormack, _Self-Made in America_
%%
"Another way to look at this is: if your computer is not capable of
 saturating *your* I/O bandwidth, you may be pissing away *your*
 wetware power. And last I checked, mine isn't increasing exponentially..."
-- Dan Mocsny (dmocsny@uceng.uc.edu)
%%
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an Art.
-- H. L. Mencken

[Having the facts is hard.  --ed]
%%
"Any excuse will serve a tyrant."
-- Aesop
%%
"Any fully matured science of ecology will have to grapple with the fact that
 from the ecological point of view, man is one of those animals which is in
 danger from its too successful participation in the struggle for existence."
-- Joseph Wood Krutch
%%
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
%%
"Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topple
 his world.  To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather than
 against them is to attain literacy."
-- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984
%%
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
-- Andy Finkel, computer guy
%%
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
%%
Anybody who wants religion is welcome to it, as far as I'm concerned -- I
support your right to enjoy it.  However, I would appreciate it if you
exhibited more respect for the rights of those people who do not wish to
share your dogma, rapture or necrodestination.
-- Frank Zappa, _The Real Frank Zappa Book_
%%
"Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of
 course, living in a state of sin."
-- John Von Neumann
%%
Anyone can hate. It costs to love.
- John Williamson
%%
"Anyone trying to split hairs will always find someone who has a sharper
 knife."
-- Jim Hurley (jimh@ultra.com) 21 Sep 90
%%
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
-- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
"Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy."
-- John Dewey
%%
Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%%
"Anyone who wants to be paid for writing software is a fascist asshole."
-- Richard M. Stallman
%%
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
-- Emmett Grogan
%%
"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
-- Claude Shouse (shouse@macomw.ARPA)

"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
-- Joseph C. Wang (joe@athena.mit.edu)
%%
"Anything worth doing is worth doing badly."
-- G. K. Chesterton 
%%
   "Are those cocktail-waitress fingernail marks?"  I asked Colletti as he
showed us these scratches on his chest.  "No, those are on my back," Colletti
answered.  "This is where a case of cocktail shrimp fell on me.  I told her
to slow down a little, but you know cocktail waitresses, they seem to have
a mind of their own."
-- The Incredibly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs
   National Lampoon, October 1982
%%
Are you having fun yet?
%%
"Are you police officers?"
  "No, ma'am.  We're musicians."
-- Blues Brothers
%%
Aren't you glad you're not getting all the government you pay for now?
%%
``Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours.''  
-- Richard Bach

``Argue for your greatness and that too shall be yours.''  
-- Michael Sky
%%
	Armitage crossed stiffly to the table and took three fat bundles
of New Yen from the pockets of his trenchcoat.  "You want to count it?"
he asked Yonderboy.
	"No," the Panther Modern said.  You'll pay.  You're a Mr. Who.
You pay to stay one.  Not a Mr. Name."
-- William Gibson, "Neuromancer"
%%
"Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist 
 does the better."
-- Andre Gide
%%
As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject
of religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction
in the methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless
conversions -- to anything -- less likely.  Brian now realizes this and
has, after eleven years, left the sect he was associated with.  The 
problem is that once the untrained mind has made a formal commitment to
a religious philosophy -- and it does not matter whether that philosophy
is generally reasonable and high-minded or utterly bizarre and 
irrational -- the powers of reason are surprisingly ineffective in 
changing the believer's mind.
-- Steve Allen, comedian, from an essay in the book "The Courage of 
    Conviction", edited by Philip Berman
%%
"As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted with the enjoyments of
 Genius; which to Angels look like torment and insanity.  I collected some of
 their Proverbs..." 
-- Blake, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell"
%%
As Lisa hugged me, I started humming the theme song from the State Farm
Insurance TV commercial.  This is not because I am in any way a slave to
television -- it had to do instead with a strategy I had concocted for
torturing Lisa on her wedding day.  What I planned to do was to plant the
State Farm Insurance jingle subliminally in Lisa's mind, until she retched.
The State Farm Insurance jingle had an almost satanic sticking power.  Lisa
wouldn't be able to hum or even think about anything else but the State Farm
Insurance jingle for weeks.  Soon she would suffer a terrific nervous 
breakdown -- the Big NB, as Lisa called it -- and spend the rest of her life
spiking volleyballs off the roof of a mental hospital.

"Like a good neighbor," I hummed softly, "State Farm is there."  Lisa didn't
seem to notice, but I could tell I had done some first-rate subliminal damage,
since she hummed the last two words along with me.  I had planted the first
seed.
-- Peter J. Smith, from _Make Believe Ballrooms_
%%
As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.  Seest thou a 
man wise in his own conceit?      
-- Proverbs 26:11
%%
"As a rule software systems do not work well until they have been
 used, and have failed repeatedly, in real applications."
-- Dave Parnas, Communications of the ACM (33, 6 June 1990 p.636) 
%%
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." 
-- Matt Cartmill
%%
As for the basic assumptions about individuality and self, this is the core
of what I like about cyberpunk. And it's the core of what I like about certain
pre-Gibson neophile techie SF writers that certain folks here like to put
down. Not everyone makes the same assumptions. I haven't lost my mind... it's
backed up on tape.
-- Peter da Silva
%%
As long as we're going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try making
it round this time.
-- Mike Dennison
%%
"As soon as you are willing to discard observational data because it conflicts 
 with religion, you are giving up any hope of ever really understanding the 
 universe.  As soon as you pick religion as the touchstone of reality, then we 
 have to start discussing how one can demonstrate the correctness of one 
 religion over another when different *religions* disagree."
--  Wilson Heydt (whheydt@PacBell.COM)

"The answer is simple: kill the heretics.  History shows us that this is the 
 actual solution that competing religions apply -- trial by combat or trial by 
 ordeal.  God is the final arbiter.  What a sad waste of human potential it 
 has proven to be."
-- Paul Hager (hagerp@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu)
%%
"As the expression goes, we spend our youth attaining wealth, and our wealth
 attaining youth."
-- Douglas Coupland, from _Generation X_ (Tales for an Accelerated Culture) 
%%
As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
or putatively less buggy.  The replacement of a working component by a new
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
efficient test cases will usually be available.
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%%
As to Jesus of Nazareth...I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
divinity.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%%
As we anarchists say: "There's no government like no government."
-- D'Arcy J.M. Cain (darcy@druid)
%%
"Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if one 
 went to Harvard)."
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
"Ask not what A Group of Employees can do for you.  But ask what can 
 All Employees do for A Group of Employees."    
-- Mike Dennison, in response to an "inspirational" memo at Ferranti Controls
%%
Ask not what you can do for your country, 
but what your country's been doing to you.
-- Avengers
%%
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained 
 control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
-- Pat Paulsen
%%
Astrology is the sheerest hokum.  This pseudoscience has been around since
the day of the Chaldeans and Babylonians.  It is as phony as numerology,
phrenology, palmistry, alchemy, the reading of tea leaves, and the practice
of divination by the entrails of a goat.  No serious person will buy the
notion that our lives are influenced individually by the movement of
distant planets.  This is the sawdust blarney of the carnival midway.
-- James J. Kilpatrick, Universal Press Syndicate
%%
At West Point, the cadets had been full of bravado...But bravado was
grounded in ignorance;  true courage was possible only after one gained
the visceral comprehension that death was the potential price of valor.
-- Rick Atkinson, _The Long Grey Line_
%%
At any time, at any place, our snipers can drop you.  Have a nice day.
%%
At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed
on the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but
this is quite untrue in practice.  disciplined thinking focuses
inspiration rather than blinkers it.
-- G. L. Glegg, The Design of Design
%%
At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
of all ideas, old and new.  This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
nonsense.  Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism:  The collective
enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
field on track.
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987
%%
"Athens built the Acropolis.  Corinth was a commercial city, interested in
 purely materialistic things.  Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the
 old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth."
-- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
%%
"Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed."
-- Robin, The Boy Wonder
%%
Australia, n.   A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and 
commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate 
dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.
-- Ambrose Bierce, _The Devil's Dictionary_
%%
"Aww, if you make me cry anymore, you'll fog up my helmet."
-- "Visionaries" cartoon
%%
"BTW, does Jesus know you flame?"
-- Diane Holt, dianeh@binky.UUCP, to Ed Carp
%%
"BYTE editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
 print the chaff."
-- Lionel Hummel (uiucdcs!hummel), derived from a quote by Adlai Stevenson, Sr.
%%
Baby carriage bumper sticker:   ``POO-POO HAPPENS!''  
-- Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)
%%
Backed up the system lately?
%%
Badges?  We don't need no stinking badges.
%%
"Batton down the hatches, several thousand Zulus approaching from the north."
-- Christopher Commision report of LAPD car-to-car computer message, 7/91
%%
"Be *excellent* to each other."
-- Bill, or Ted, in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
%%
"Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original
 in your work."
-- Gustave Flaubert
%%
"Be there.  Aloha."
-- Steve McGarret, _Hawaii Five-Oh_
%%
"Be warned that being an expert is more than understanding how a system is 
 supposed to work.  Expertise is gained by investigating why a system doesn't 
 work."
-- Brian Redman, Bell Communications Research, "UUCP UNIX-to-UNIX Copy", 
    _UNIX NETWORKING_, edited by Stephen Kochan and Patrick Wood
%%
Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.
%%
"Because he's a character who's looking for his own identity, [He-Man is] 
 an interesting role for an actor."
-- Dolph Lundgren, "actor"
%%
"Because my name is Daffy,
 They think that I'm insane
 Please pass the ketchup, 
 I think it's going to rain!

 Oh, you can't bounce a meatball,
 Try with all your might.
 Turn on the radio,
 I want to fly a kite!"
-- D. Duck (daffy@wb.com)
%%
Been Transferred Lately?
%%
"Been through Hell?  Whaddya bring back for me?"
-- A. Brilliant
%%
Before (Dean) Stockwell's recent comeback via BLUE VELVET and MARRIED TO THE 
MOB, he had been selling real estate in Los Angeles.  Do you think that's 
where he learned to lip-sync Roy Orbison songs?
-- Prof. Fred Hopkins
%%
"Before engaging in a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed."
-- East Texas Proverb
%%
Behind all the political rhetoric being hurled at us from abroad, we are 
bringing home one unassailable fact -- [terrorism is] a crime by any civilized
standard, committed against innocent people, away from the scene of political
conflict, and must be dealt with as a crime. . . .
   [I]n our recognition of the nature of terrorism as a crime lies our
best hope of dealing with it. . . .
   [L]et us use the tools that we have.  Let us invoke the cooperation we have
the right to expect around the world, and with that cooperation let us shrink
the dark and dank areas of sanctuary until these cowardly marauders are held
to answer as criminals in an open and public trial for the crimes they have
committed, and receive the punishment they so richly deserve.
-- William H. Webster, Director, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 15 Oct 1985
%%
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
-- Maryon Pearson
%%
"Being against torture ought to be sort of a bipartisan thing."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"Being against torture ought to be sort of a multipartisan thing."
-- Karl Lehenbauer, as amended by Jeff Daiell, a Libertarian
%%
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone.
%%
"Better late than before anybody has invited you."
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Better to kill time than have it kill you.
-- karl
%%
"Between the legs of the women walking by, the dadaists imagined a monkey
 wrench and the surrealists a crystal cup.  That's lost." 
-- Ivan Chtcheglov
%%
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
%%
"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but
 inwardly they are ravening wolves."
-- Matthew 7:15
%%
"Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers."
-- Chip Salzenberg
%%
"Bidet?  Try washing your whole body."
-- anon
%%
"Big Brother is hallucinating."  
-- Elizabeth D Zwicky (zwicky@cis.ohio-state.edu),
   title of a comp.risks article
%%
"Bill Gates says no matter how much more power we can supply, he'll develop 
 some really exciting software that will bring the machine to its knees."
-- Intel VP David House, In _EE_Times_, 16 October 1989
%%
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
-- Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace"
%%
Birth, copulation and death.
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
Birth, copulation and death.
-- T. S. Elliot, Sweeney Agonistes (1932)
%%
"Bite off, dirtball."
-- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM
%%
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
%%
Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute,
for they shall be know as Dentists.
%%
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee...
 that will do them in.
%%
Brain damage is all in your head.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
Brain off-line, please wait.
%%
"Brain?  Brain?  What is 'brain'?"
%%
"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them."
-- Dr. Fegg
%%
"Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies."
-- Honore de Balzac
%%
"Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation."
-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
%%
Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
-- Ken Weaver
%%
"Bush has it backwards -- abortion is surgical; bombing is murder."
-- sign at anti-war march
%%
"But Calvin is no kind and loving god!  He's one of the _old_ gods!  He demands
 sacrifice!"
-- Calvin
%%
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to
thee, to speak these words?  Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the
wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?
[2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)]
%%
"But are you not," he said, "a more fiendish disputant than the Great 
 Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler of Ciceronicus Twelve, the Magic 
 and Indefatigable?"

"The Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler," said Deep Thought,
 thoroughly rolling the r's, "could talk all four legs off an Arcturan
 Mega-Donkey -- but only I could persuade it to go for a walk afterward."
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
"But don't you see, the color of wine in a crystal glass can be spiritual.
 The look in a face, the music of a violin.  A Paris theater can be infused
 with the spiritual for all its solidity."
-- Lestat, _The Vampire Lestat_, Anne Rice
%%
"But then a new problem came up: the Jupiter probe, Galileo, was going to
 use a power supply that runs on heat generated by radioactivity. If the
 shuttle carrying Galileo failed, radioactivity could be spread over a
 large area."
-- Richard P. Feynmann, "What Do You Care What Other People Think?"
%%
"But this one goes to eleven."
-- Nigel Tufnel, _Spinal Tap_
%%
"Buy land.  They've stopped making it."
-- Mark Twain
%%
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm me.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
"By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun."
-- P. J. Plauger,
   from his April Fool's column in April 88's "Computer Language"
%%
By one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic
credentials (out of a total of 480,000 U.S. earth and life scientists)
who give credence to creation-science, the general theory that complex
life forms did not evolve but appeared "abruptly."
-- Newsweek, June 29, 1987, pg. 23
%%
By repackaging age-old operating system features -- such as mutitasking
and virtual memory -- and marketing them as "innovations", and by making
non-competitive product agreements, IBM and Microsoft Corp. were able to
successfully pull a grand-scale commercial deception.

The sad part is that MIS managers are still falling for the old song and
dance.  To OS/2 die-hards: "Wake up and face it; OS/2 is d-e-a-d!"

-- Alex G. Christensen, _Information Week_, April 29, 1991
%%
By the time of the Great Renaming, net.suicide, along with net.rumors,
was mainly populated by refugees from net.bizarre, which was the first
popular group ever dropped by the backbone. This group of people acted
like a roving gang.  "Ah, here's a NEW almost-empty group to post
train schedules and core dumps in!"  Imagine their squeals of joy when
they discovered that posting to net.test got them mail from all over
the net.
-- Joe Buck, jbuck@janus.berkeley.edu, gives us some Usenet history
%%
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
to suspect "Hungry."
-- a Larson cartoon
%%
Bye Bye
-- PDP 10
%%
"C is the assembly language of Tcl."
-- Karl Lehenbauer (karl@hackercorp.com)

"Assembly language is also available."
-- Jordan Henderson  (jordan@hackercorp.com)
%%
"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
[apparently, good TV reception is a basic necessity -- at least in Tucson  -kl]
%%
"Cache is, by definition, a compromise."
-- Roy Smith, Public Health Research Institute

"Yes, cache is a compromise.  Mainly to your wallet and the speed of light."
-- Jim Hutchison (ucsd!celerity!hutch)
%%
"Call immediately.  Time is running out.  We both need to do something
 monstrous before we die."
-- Message from Ralph Steadman to Hunter Thompson
%%
"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target
 Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
-- The Firesign Theatre movie, _J-Men Forever_
%%
Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.
%%
"Can you imagine what it would be like if there had been ``look and feel''
 lawsuits over automobiles?"
-- Mark Diekhans (markd@sco.com)
%%
"Can you program?"  "Well, I'm literate, if that's what you mean!"
%%
"Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?"
    "It does not work that way.  RUN!"
-- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in "Johnny Quest"
%%
Canada: a few acres of snow.  
-- Voltaire
%%
Captain Penny's Law:
	You can fool all of the people some of the
	time, and some of the people all of the
	time, but you can't fool Mom.
%%
"Captain Picquard trusts his bartender's instincts and saves the Federation."
-- Karl's synopsis of a recent Star Trek episode
%%
"Capture him, beat him and treat him like dirt."
-- LAPD squad-car computer message, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91
%%
"Card readers?  We don't need no stinking card readers."
-- Peter da Silva (at the National Academy of Sciences, 1965, in a
   particularly vivid fantasy)
%%
"Care to expound, or are you just going to leave us all with the
 impression that you're merely an inarticulate asshole?"
-- Jay "you ignorant splut!" Maynard (jay@splut.conmicro.com)

"Lest I leave the wrong impression, I'm not inarticulate."
-- Walker Mangum (walker@ficc.ferranti.com)
%%
    Catch a fly. Put it in the freezer compartment of your refrigerator for
    5 to 10 minutes. This slows him down considerably, so he's easier to
    handle. While he's in there, make a miniature paper airplane with a
    wing-span about double that of the fly. Take the cool dude out of the
    ice-box and super glue his tiny feet onto the upper surface of the paper
    airplane. As he warms up and revives, he will begin doing that most
    natural of all fly activities: he will try to fly. If you have not made
    your little airplane too heavy, the fly's wing beats will be adequate
    for lift off. However, carrying the added weight quickly tires the fly,
    so in mid-air, he will stop beating his wings, and the airplane will
    soar downward. Seeing his plight causes the fly to once again attempt to
    fly, with the same result. Little bursts of energy as the plane gains
    altitude, alternated with slow downward glides. A thread super glued to
    the plane will keep your aerial circus in the same room, or you can take
    your new pet fly out for a walk, er, fly.
-- Gary Benson (inc@fluke.tc.com)
%%
"Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world."
- The Beach Boys
%%
"Cats are soft-furred mammals, who are mildly and clumsily predatory.  They
 have anywhere from two to a dozen neurons. The baseline intellect of a cat
 has two states.  1) Chow state (feeding frenzy) 2) Asleep mode (unconscious 
 on your bed with whiskers twitching)"
-- Elaine Richards
%%
Chaotic Evil means never having to say you're sorry.
%%
			    Chapter XIII

		OF Auxiliary, Mixed, and National Arms

The second sort of unprofitable arms are auxiliaries, by whom I mean, troops
brought to help and protect you by a potentate whom you summon to your aid;

Auxiliaries may be excellent and useful soldiers for themselves, but are
always hurtful to him who calls them in; for if they are defeated, he is
undone, if victorious, he becomes their prisoner.  . . .

>from _The Prince_, by Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
%%
Charity:  a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
%%
Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.  Rarely,
if ever, do they forgive them.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
"Christians maintain a higher enjoyment level in the intimacy of their love
 life than the population in general."
-- Beverly LaHaye, President, Concerned Women of America, in her book, _The
    Act of Marriage, The Beauty of Sexual Love_, 1976, as quoted in "The Far
    Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"Civilisation is the art of living in towns of such size that everyone does 
 not know everyone else."
-- Julian Jaynes
%%
Civilization Law #1:
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations
one can do without thinking about them.
%%
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor."
- Toynbee
%%
"Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy."
-- Howard Roark, in Ayn Rand's _The Fountainhead_
%%
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain
%%
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
-- Blair Houghton
%%
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our sight
Red is gray, and yellow white
But we decide which is right
And which is a quantization error.
-- Jef Poskanzer, from the doc to his oh-so-cool program that converts color
	bitmaps to greyscale ones.
%%
 Cole's Law:
   Thinly sliced cabbage.
%%
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
-- Helen Keller
%%
Collins's Law:
	If you can't make a mistake, you can't make anything.

Corollaries ("Rabinovitch's Rules of Sane Dialogue"):
	1. Everybody who matters is stupid now and then.
	2. If I'm being stupid, that's my problem.
	3. If my being stupid makes you stupid, that's your problem.
	4. If you think you're never stupid, boy are you stupid!
%%
Come near me and I'll kill you.
-- Ron Post
%%
"Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you."
- A cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution, Firesign Theater
%%
	Come... Dry your eyes, for you are life, rarer than a quark and
unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg; the clay in which the
forces that shape all things leave their fingerprints most clearly.
	Dry your eyes...And let's go home.
-- Watchmen
%%
Commenting on the advantages of bisexuality, Woody Allen once remarked 
"It doubles your chances of getting a date on Saturday night."
%%
"Committees do harm merely by existing."
-- Freeman Dyson
%%
Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a
pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
-- David Guaspari
%%
"Computer literacy is a contact with the activity of computing deep enough to
 make the computational equivalent of reading and writing fluent and enjoyable.
 As in all the arts, a romance with the material must be well under way.  If
 we value the lifelong learning of arts and letters as a springboard for
 personal and societal growth, should any less effort be spent to make 
 computing a part of our lives?"
-- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984
%%
"Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy."
-- Joseph Campbell
%%
Computers are the most fun you can have with anything that isn't breathing.
-- Bruce Walker, CACM Forum
%%
"Computers are useless; they can only give answers."
-- Picasso
%%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one
mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%%
Conference: A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of
work and the loneliness of thought.
-- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
-- Ben Jonson
%%
Congresswoman:  Well, Mr. Dallas... we've heard your smut masquerading as
songs... and we've heard how teen prostitution, pregnancy, drug use, cults,
runaways, suicide and poor hygiene are sweeping this nation.  We thought you
might like to share with the committee any particular causes you might see
for those latter problems...

Steve Dallas:  I dunno.  Maybe the proliferation of narrow, suffocating
zealotry masquerading as parenting in this country.

-- Bloom County
%%
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
-- Daffy Duck, from Looney Tunes "Ali Baba Bunny" (1957, Chuck Jones)
%%
Conserve energy, kill yourself.
-- jon@dscatoh0.sac.ca.us
%%
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."
-- Bernard Berenson
%%
Contemptuous lights flashed flashed across the computer's console.
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if
it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic."
-- Lewis Carroll
%%
"Contrary to ongoing and recent media reports you will find the Report is
 well-balanced and completely deferential to the freedoms outlined in the
 first amendment."
-- Henry E. Hudson, Chairman, Attorney General's Commission on Pornography
%%
"Conversation is the best aphrodisiac."
-- Kelly Cota (kcota@sco.com)
%%
"Conversion, fastidious Goddess, loves blood better than brick, and feasts
 most subtly on the human will."
-- Virginia Woolf, "Mrs. Dalloway"
%%
Could be you're crossing the fine line
A silly driver kind of...off the wall

You keep it cool when it's t-t-tight
....eyes wide open when you start to fall.
-- The Cars
%%
"Could you both just send hate mail a few times a day and post the synopsis 
 in the year 2000?"
-- Wm E Davidsen Jr, davidsen@crdos1.crd.ge.COM,
   to a couple guys in news.groups
%%
"Cover a war in a place where you can't drink beer or talk to a woman?
   Hell no!"
-- Hunter S. Thompson, on the US war against Iraq
%%
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
%%
"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
general understanding of science as an enterprise?
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer", Vol. 12, page 186
%%
"Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training."
-- Anna Freud

Well, sometimes, anyway.
-- Mark Brader, utzoo!sq!msb
%%
"Credo, quia absurdum est."  [I believe, because it is absurd.]
-- Tertullian, Roman lawyer, theologian and misogynist; man of questionable 
   judgment
%%
"Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them."
-- Madonna
%%
Crystals are the subject of international fascination.  From crystal balls to
lasers, they have been prized in healing and science throughout the centuries.
Now Randall and Vicki Baer explore completely new horizons of crystal-based
knowledge.

Building on the foundation of their popularly acclaimed book, _Windows of
Light_, the Baers explore techniques, tools, and technologies for personal
and planetary transformation.  They detail advanced techniques for using
crystals in such areas as healing, stress management, mind-center activation,
and telethought communication, and they demonstrate the unification of the
spiritual and the scientific in a light-based sacred science.

The Baers explore visions of a new age based on higher planes of reality
and ultra-advanced crystal technologies.  An essential reference, _The
Crystal Connection_ is a landmark achievement in the field of crystal-based
sacred science.

Randall and Vicki Baer are internationally known authorities in the areas
of crystals, sacred science, and spiritual teachings.  Widely sought as
speakers, they are codirectors of the Starcrest Academy of Interdimensional
Law and Science, a project dedicated to worldwide seminars and advanced
educational programs in the sacred sciences.  They are the authors of
_Windows of Light: Quartz Crystals and Self-Transformation_, considered
the best work on the subject to date.

-- from the back cover of _The Crystal Connection_, Harper and Row,
ISBN 0-06-250033-3
%%
Cthulhu for President, if you're tired of choosing the LESSER of two evils.
%%
"Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth."
-- Lillian Hellman
%%
DE:  The Soviets seem to have difficulty implementing modern technology.
     Would you comment on that?

Belenko:  Well, let's talk about aircraft engine lifetime.  When I flew the
	  MiG-25, its engines had a total lifetime of 250 hours.

DE:  Is that mean-time-between-failure?

Belenko:  No, the engine is finished; it is scrapped.

DE:  You mean they pull it out and throw it away, not even overhauling it?

Belenko:  That is correct.  Overhaul is too expensive.

DE:  That is absurdly low by free world standards.

Belenko:  I know.
-- an interview with Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 102
%%
"DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT blow the hatch!"
 "Roger....hatch blown!" 
-- MAROONED
%%
   "Daddy, Daddy, make
    Santa Claus go away!"
		       "I can't, son;
			he's grown too
			powerful."
				     "HO HO HO!"
-- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre
%%
"Dammit, we're all going to die, let's die doing something *useful*!"
-- Hal Clement, on comments that space exploration is dangerous
%%
"Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!"
   "No, but the first of you turns my stomach!"
-- The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger
%%
Darwin was the great expansionism.  He shocked the world by arguing
convincingly that life is the creation of an autonomous process so simple that
it can be understood with just a moment of reflection.  No equations, photons
or computer read-outs required.  I can all be summarized in a couple of lines:
new variations in the hereditary material arise continuously, some survive and
reproduce better that others, and as a result organic evolution occurs.  And
even more briefly as follows: natural selection acting on mutations produces
evolution. Given enough time (and the Earth is over four billion years old)
even radically new kinds of organisms can be assembled this way, insects from
myriapods, amphibians from lungfish, birds from small dinosaurs, and even life
from inanimate matter.
-- Edward O. Wilson, "Biophilia"
%%
"Data is a lot like humans:  It is born.  Matures.  Gets married to other data,
 divorced. Gets old.  One thing that it doesn't do is die.  It has to be
 killed."
-- Arthur Miller
%%
David Brinkley: The daily astrological charts are precisely where, in my
  judgment, they belong, and that is on the comic page.
George Will:  I don't think astrology belongs even on the comic pages.
  The comics are making no truth claim.
Brinkley:  Where would you put it?
Will:  I wouldn't put it in the newspaper.  I think it's transparent rubbish.
  It's a reflection of an idea that we expelled from Western thought in the
  sixteenth century, that we are in the center of a caring universe.  We are
  not the center of the universe, and it doesn't care.  The star's alignment
  at the time of our birth -- that is absolute rubbish.  It is not funny to
  have it intruded among people who have nuclear weapons.
Sam Donaldson:  This isn't something new.  Governor Ronald Reagan was sworn
  in just after midnight in his first term in Sacramento because the stars
  said it was a propitious time.
Will:  They [horoscopes] are utter crashing banalities.  They could apply to
  anyone and anything.
Brinkley:  When is the exact moment [of birth]?  I don't think the nurse is
  standing there with a stopwatch and a notepad.
Donaldson:  If we're making decisions based on the stars -- that's a cockamamie
  thing.  People want to know.
-- "This Week" with David Brinkley, ABC Television, Sunday, May 8, 1988,
   excerpts from a discussion on Astrology and Reagan
%%
Dead?	No excuse for laying off work.
%%
Death:  to stop sinning suddenly.
%%
"Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged
 about forever."
-- button at the Boston Computer Museum
%%
Decaffeinated coffee?  Just Say No.
%%
"Decaffeinated coffee?  Kinda like kissing your sister."
-- Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)
%%
Definition of a hermaphrodite: a bisexual built for two.
-- Jeff Daiell
%%
Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and related
hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, entails
dangers that must not be underestimated.  Practitioners must take into
account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability to
influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being.  The history
of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that can
ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
for a pleasure drug.  Special internal and external advance preparations
are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful
experience.
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%%
Deliver Us From Taxation
-- button, source forgotten
%%
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
-- David Letterman
%%
Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.
-- David Letterman
%%
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.
-- David Letterman
%%
Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
-- David Letterman
%%
"Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
 Jackasses."
-- H. L. Mencken
%%
"Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for the appointment
 by the corrupt few."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a belief
 or dogma.  It is simply an approach to the problem of telling what is
 counterfeit and what is genuine.  And a recognition of how costly it may
 be to fail to do so.  To be a skeptic is to cultivate "street smarts" in
 the battle for control of one's own mind, one's own money, one's own
 allegiances.  To be a skeptic, in short, is to refuse to be a victim.
-- Robert S. DeBear, "An Agenda for Reason, Realism, and Responsibility,"
 New York Skeptic (newsletter of the New York Area Skeptics, Inc.), Spring 1988
%%
"Destroying property is sometimes a good way to save lives."
-- Mary Meehan, Anti-Choice Columnist, "The National Catholic Register",
    about abortion clinic violence, 10/12/86, as quoted in "The Far
    Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"Did U arrest the 85 yr old lady or just beat her up."
   "We just slapped her around a bit... she's getting m/t [medical treatment]
     right now."
-- LAPD squad-car computer messages, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91
%%
Diet Pepsi isn't working.
-- note attached to the soda fountain in the 140 building at SCO

Then cut down on the Big Macs.
-- note attached to the note
%%
Digital computers are themselves more complex than most things people build:
They have very large numbers of states.  This makes conceiving, describing,
and testing them hard.  Software systems have orders-of-magnitude more states
than computers do.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%%
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no
 one else has thought."
- Albert Szent-Gyorgi
%%
Disobedience:  The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Do not allow this language (Ada) in its present state to be used in
applications where reliability is critical, i.e., nuclear power stations,
cruise missiles, early warning systems, anti-ballistic missile defense
systems.  The next rocket to go astray as a result of a programming language
error may not be an exploratory space rocket on a harmless trip to Venus:
It may be a nuclear warhead exploding over one of our cities.  An unreliable
programming language generating unreliable programs constitutes a far
greater risk to our environment and to our society than unsafe cars, toxic
pesticides, or accidents at nuclear power stations.
-- C. A. R. Hoare
%%
"Do not be deceived.  Revolutions do not run backwards."
-- A. Lincoln, railsplitter, lawyer, imperialist
%%
"Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture,
 an intransigent mind, and a step that travels unlimited roads."
-- John Galt, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_
%%
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on 
 your computer."
-- stolen from Brian Gollum
%%
"Do not speak of what men deserve.  For we each of us deserve everything,
 every luxury that was ever piled in the tombs of the dead Kings, and we each
 of us deserve nothing, not a mouthful of bread in hunger.   Have we not eaten
 while another starved?  Will you punish us for that?  Will you reward us for
 the virtue of starving while others ate?  No man earns punishment, no man
 earns reward.  Free your mind of the idea of *deserving*, of *earning*, and
 you will begin to be able to think."
-- Odo, The Prison Letters (Ursula LeGuin, _The Dispossessed_)
%%
"Do not stop to ask what is it;
 Let us go and make our visit."
-- T. S. Eliot, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
%%
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
%%
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
%%
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
%%
Do standards inevitably cause industries to calcify into obsolete
technology?  Suppose we journey to the plains of Shinar and build a
tower of bricks reaching to heaven.  (That's the Tower of Babel, for
those without a reading familiarity with the Book of Genesis.)  Look,
God Himself knows what standards can do, he even said something like
"The Sons of Men are all of one tongue and one purpose, and now
nothing shall be impossible for them."  So the Ancient of Days had to
step in and give us the wonderful gift of cultural diversity, to add
such a whopping translation overhead on every information transaction
that we bogged down forever into chaos and warfare.

-- Dan Mocsny (dmocsny@uceng.uc.edu)
%%
"Do what you wanna, do what you will;
 Just don't mess up your neighbor's thrill.
 And when you pay the bill, kindly leave a little tip
 To help the next poor sucker on his one-way trip."
    - Frank Zappa, "You Are What You Is"
%%
"Do you know that doing your best is not good enough?  First you must know
 what to do."
-- manufacturing-quality theorist W. Edwards Deming
%%
"Don't believe anything you read and only half of what you see."
-- Will Rogers
%%
"Don't discount flying pigs before you have good air defense."
-- jvh@clinet.FI
%%
"Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail!"
-- Bryan Michael Wendt
%%
Don't eat yellow snow.
-- Frank Zappa
%%
Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.
-- G.K. Chesterton
%%
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
%%
"Don't get married.  Find a woman you hate and buy her a house."
-- anon
%%
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Hate me because I'm beautiful, smart 
 and rich."
-- Calvin Keegan
%%
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
%%
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-- Bo Diddley
%%
Don't lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
-- Burma Shave
%%
Don't panic.
%%
"Don't question luck."
-- Roberto Mesa
%%
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
%%
"Don't talk to me about disclaimers!  I invented disclaimers!"
-- The Censored Hacker
%%
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
-- James J. Ling
%%
"Don't think; let the machine do it for you!"
-- E. C. Berkeley
%%
"Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free
 with my breakfast cereal."
- Zaphod Beeblebrox in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Don't wait for me to finish my smoke; jump me now, while there's still nine 
of you.
-- Russ Post
%%
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.	 If your ideas are any good, 
 you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
 -- Howard Aiken
%%
"Don't worry about things that you have no control over, because you
 have no control over them.  Don't worry about things that you have
 control over, because you have control over them."
-- Mickey Rivers
%%
"Don't you know there ain't no devil, it's just god when he's drunk."
-- Tom Waits
%%
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
-- Kahlil Gibran
%%
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
-- Voltaire
%%
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
-- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian
%%
"Draft politicians, not human beings."
-- antidraft slogan coined by Jeff Daiell, 1979
%%
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
%%
"Dump the condiments.  If we are to be eaten, we don't need to taste good."
-- "Visionaries" cartoon
%%
"During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride
 and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both,
 superstition, bigotry, and persecution."
-- James Madison
%%
	"During the race
	 We may eat your dust,
	 But when you graduate,
	 You'll work for us."
	-- Reed College cheer
%%
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
%%
         EARTH          
     smog  |   bricks  
 AIR  --  mud  --  FIRE
soda water |   tequila 
         WATER        
%%
EARTH:  Mostly harmless.
%%
Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy
based on excellence of performance.
-- James Bryant Conant
%%
Each team building another component has been using the most recent tested
version of the integrated system as a test bed for debugging its piece.  Their
work will be set back by having that test bed change under them.  Of course it
must.  But the changes need to be quantized.  Then each user has periods of
productive stability, interrupted by bursts of test-bed change.  This seems
to be much less disruptive than a constant rippling and trembling.
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%%
Early victory is more than a good omen, it energizes the committed and 
transforms the interested into more committed participants.
-- Brad Morrison (brad@neosoft.com)
%%
"Earnestness is just stupidity sent to college."
-- P.J. O'Rourke
%%
Eat shit -- billions of flies can't be wrong.
%%
Een schip op het strand is een baken in zee.
[A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.]
-- Dutch Proverb
%%
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
-- Bullwinkle Moose
%%
Egotist:  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software
engineer.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
"Either sue me, or shut the hell up."
-- Greg Hennessy, gsh7w@virginia.edu
%%
"Elvis is my copilot."
-- Cal Keegan
%%
   Emacs is not an editor.  Emacs is a way of thinking about the world, and
as such is a way of thinking about editors.  The process of editing is Emacs,
but Emacs is more than the process of editing.  When you ask what Emacs does,
you are asking a question with no answer, because Emacs doesn't do, it is
done to.  Emacs just is.   ...  I hope this makes things clearer.
-- Scott Dorsey (kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov)
%%
  "Emergency!"  Stiggs screamed, ejecting himself from the tub like it was
a burning car.  "Dial 'one'!  Get room service!  Code red!"  Stiggs was on
the phone immediately, ordering more rose blossoms, because, according to
him, the ones floating in the tub had suddenly lost their smell.  "I demand
smell," he shrilled.  "I expecting total uninterrupted smell from these
f*cking roses."

  Unfortunately, the service captain didn't realize that the Stiggs situation
involved fifty roses.  "What am I going to do with this?" Stiggs sneered at
the weaseling hotel goon when he appeared at our door holding a single flower
floating in a brandy glass.  Stiggs's tirade was great.  "Do you see this
bathtub?  Do you notice any difference between the size of the tub and the
size of that spindly wad of petals in your hand?  I need total bath coverage.
I need a completely solid layer of roses all around me like puffing factories
of smell, attacking me with their smell and power-ramming big stinking
concentrations of rose odor up my nostrils until I'm wasted with pleasure."
It wasn't long before we got so dissatisfied with this incompetence that we
bolted.
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs,
   National Lampoon, October 1982
%%
"Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode."
-- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs
%%
"Engineering without management is art."
-- Jeff Johnson
%%
"England's monarchy is how old?  1000 years?  Jesus, you guys must have a hell 
 of a lot of laws!"
-- an anonymous sysadmin
%%
"Eraserhead is an example of the opposite of brainwashing.  It actually leaves
 a dirty bathtub ring on your mind."
-- David Fox (fox@allegra.att.com)
%%
"Escaping through the lily fields, I came across an empty space
 It trembled and exploded, left a bus stop in its place..."
-- unknown
%%
"Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness!"
-- from Fiddler On The Roof
%%
"Even if the propeller had the power of propelling a vessel, it would be found
 altogether useless in practice, because the power being applied in the stern
 would be absolutely impossible to make the vessel steer."
-- Sir William Symonds - British Royal Navy, 1837
%%
Even if we put all these nagging thoughts [four embarrassing questions about
astrology] aside for a moment, one overriding question remains to be asked.
Why would the positions of celestial objects at the moment of birth have an
effect on our characters, lives, or destinies?  What force or influence,
what sort of energy would travel from the planets and stars to all human
beings and affect our development or fate?  No amount of scientific-sounding
jargon or computerized calculations by astrologers can disguise this central
problem with astrology -- we can find no evidence of a mechanism by which
celestial objects can influence us in so specific and personal a way. . . .
Some astrologers argue that there may be a still unknown force that represents
the astrological influence. . . .If so, astrological predictions -- like those
of any scientific field -- should be easily tested. . . . Astrologers always
claim to be just a little too busy to carry out such careful tests of their
efficacy, so in the last two decades scientists and statisticians have
generously done such testing for them.  There have been dozens of well-designed
tests all around the world, and astrology has failed every one of them. . . .
I propose that we let those beckoning lights in the sky awaken our interest
in the real (and fascinating) universe beyond our planet, and not let them
keep us tied to an ancient fantasy left over from a time when we huddled by
the firelight, afraid of the night.
-- Andrew Fraknoi, Executive Officer, Astronomical Society of the Pacific,
    "Why Astrology Believers Should Feel Embarrassed," San Jose Mercury
    News, May 8, 1988
%%
Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements,
sooner or later the product will speak for itself.
-- Hajime Karatsu
%%
"Even if you start your laundry before 8 AM on Saturday, you will not finish
 folding it until after midnight on Sunday."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-- Will Rogers
%%
"Even the most boundless love can end."
-- Rhett Butler, to Scarlet O'Hara, _Gone With The Wind_
%%
"Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear 
 strapped to your butt?"
   "No."
"'Course you haven't, you fruit-loop little geek."
-- The Mountain Man, one of Dana Carvey's SNL characters
[ditto]
%%
"Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper .... everyone was
 eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
 bend a disk."
- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 
  commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement
%%
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
%%
"Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one idiot.
 Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It's sometimes hard
 to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all of the hassle and
 pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated, caustic twits."
-- Chuq Von Rospach, chuq@apple.com, about Usenet
%%
"Every institution I've ever been associated with has tried to screw me."
-- Stephen Wolfram
%%
"Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders what the
 part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of." 
-- They Might Be Giants
%%
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
start closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals
and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
%%
"Every opportunity we have to run our R&D scientists and engineers against
 our customers, we do it."
-- George Heilmeier, Texas Instruments Inc., Dallas
%%
"Every year a few research results pay the freight for all the rest."
-- Robert A. Frosch, General Motors
%%
"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it."
-- Mark Twain
%%
Everyone has a purpose in life.  Perhaps yours is watching television.
-- David Letterman
%%
"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion."
-- Harlan Ellison
%%
Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
	1. They want it quick.
	2. They want it good.
	3. They want it cheap.
I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company in Delaware
%%
"Everyone's head is a cheap movie show."
-- Jeff G. Bone
%%
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"Everything to excess.  Moderation is for monks."
-- Lazarus Long
%%
Everything you know is wrong.
-- The Firesign Theater
%%
Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact.
Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. ... Only
atheists could accept this Satanic theory.
-- Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, "The Pre-Adamic Creation and Evolution"
%%
Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person
can doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all
present life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic
time, is as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ
only with respect to theories about how the process operates.
-- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life", 
    The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131
%%
"Evolution is what it is.  The upper classes have always died out; it's one of
 the most charming things about them."
-- Germaine Greer
%%
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
-- Ellyn Mustard
%%
Excitement and danger await your induction to tracer duty!  As a tracer,
you must rid the computer networks of slimy, criminal data thieves.
They are tricky and the action gets tough, so watch out!  Utilizing all
your skills, you'll either get your man or you'll get burned!
-- advertising for the computer game "Tracers"
%%
"Excuse me, Worker, I'll just be a nanosecond."
-- a computer, from Firesign Theater's "I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus"
%%
"Excuses are like assholes: Everybody has one and they all stink."
-- unknown
%%
"Experience has proved that some people indeed know everything."
-- Russell Baker
%%
Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other.
-- Poor Richard's Almanac
%%
Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples of
outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, but
they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings that
contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
offer more plausible alternatives.
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: Implications for Psi
     Phenomena", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171
%%
FORTRAN?  The syntactically incorrect statement "DO 10 I = 1.10" will parse and
generate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: "DO10I = 1.10"  If that
doesn't terrify you, it should.
%%
"Facts are stupid things."
-- President Ronald Reagan 
   (a blooper from his speech at the '88 GOP convention)
%%
"Failing to get them to do it your way might mean they're stupid, but it also
 means you failed to get them to do it your way."
-- Cal Keegan
%%
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
%%
Faire de la bonne cuisine demande un certain temps.  Si on vous fait attendre,
c'est pour mieux vous servir, et vous plaire.
[Good cooking takes time.  If you are made to wait, it is to serve you better,
 and to please you.]
Menu of Restaurant Antoine, New Orleans
[Also, what we're going to be telling our customers]
%%
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the
improbable.
-- H. L. Mencken
%%
"Faith" can be defined as "any man's hope that the human spirit is capable
of understanding"; that anything actually matters in the larger
universe; and that understanding anything could be important outside
of our own selfish whims and desire to survive. ...and somehow, because
it is important, understanding can go on without us, waiting only
to be rediscovered by the future, or at worst, pissed away, in spite
of all our prayers, and work, and suffering.

Every expression of the human spirit is an act of faith.
-- Ellyn Mustard (mustard@ficc.ferranti.comm)
%%
"Faith:  not *wanting* to know what is true."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
"Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your 
 aim."
-- Santayana
%%
"Fanatics have their dreams, wherewith they weave a paradise for a sect."
-- Keats
%%
"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; 
 united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"
-- Goya
%%
Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.

Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
was the Empire forged.
-- Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
%%
"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though 
 checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither 
 enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows 
 not victory or defeat."
-- Theodore Roosevelt
%%
Fast cars, fast women, fast algorithms... what more could a man want?
-- Joe Mattis
%%
"Faster than a speeding bullet.  More powerful than a locomotive.  Able to leap
 tall buildings in a single bound.

"'Look!  Up in the sky!'
"'It's a bird!'
"'It's a plane!'
"'No, it's Superman!'

"Yes, it's Superman, strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth 
 with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men.  

 Superman, who can change the course of mighty rivers; bend steel in his bare 
 hands; and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great 
 metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for Truth, Justice, and 
 The American Way!"
%%
Felson's Law:
	To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
	many is research.
%%
   Fiery energy lanced out, but the beams struck an intangible wall between
the Gubru and the rapidly turning Earth ship.

   "Water!" it shrieked as it read the spectral report.  "A barrier of water
vapor!  A civilized race could not have found such a trick in the Library!
A civilized race could not have stooped so low!  A civilized race would not
have..."

   It screamed as the Gubru ship hit a cloud of drifting snowflakes.

- _Startide Rising_, by David Brin
%%
"File names are infinite in length where infinity is set to 255 characters."
-- Peter Collinson, "The Unix File System"
%%
Finagle's Law:  The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
%%
Finding the occasional straw of truth awash in a great ocean of confusion and
bamboozle requires intelligence, vigilance, dedication and courage.  But if we
don't practice these tough habits of thought, we cannot hope to solve the truly
serious problems that face us -- and we risk becoming a nation of suckers, up
for grabs by the next charlatan who comes along.
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987
%%
First as to speech.  That privilege rests upon the premise that
there is no proposition so uniformly acknowledged that it may not be
lawfully challenged, questioned, and debated.  It need not rest upon
the further premise that there are no propositions that are not
open to doubt; it is enough, even if there are, that in the end it is
worse to suppress dissent than to run the risk of heresy.  Hence it
has been again and again unconditionally proclaimed that there are
no limits to the privilege so far as words seek to affect only the hearers'
beliefs and not their conduct.  The trouble is that conduct is almost
always based upon some belief, and that to change the hearer's belief
will generally to some extent change his conduct, and may even evoke
conduct that the law forbids.

[cf. Learned Hand, The Spirit of Liberty, University of Chicago Press, 1952;
The Art and Craft of Judging: The Decisions of Judge Learned Hand,
edited and annotated by Hershel Shanks, The MacMillian Company, 1968.]
%%
First learn computer science and all the theory.
Next develop a programming style. Then forget all
that and just hack.   
-- George Carrette [1990]
%%
"First, we were making the effort there so that people would have their own
 right to decide their own future, and could select their own form of 
 government ... Now we're saying we're going to fight there so that we don't 
 have to fight in Thailand, so we don't have to fight on the West Coast of the 
 United States, so that they won't move across the Rockies.
-- Robert F. Kennedy, November 26, 1967
%%
Flee at once, all is discovered.
%%
"Flextime:  Starting a 10+ hour day up to an hour early (on a regular,
 scheduled basis with the approval of an immediate supervisor)."
-- A Ferranti International Controls "volunteer"
%%
"Flight Reservation systems decide whether or not you exist. If your
 information isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go
 anywhere."
-- Arthur Miller
%%
"Flint Paper is insane.  I really respect that."
-- Max
%%
"Floggings will continue until morale improves."
-- anonymous flyer being distributed at Exxon USA
%%
Flon's Law:
   There is not now and never will be a language in which it 
   is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
%%
Fools ignore complexity.  Pragmatists suffer it.
Some can avoid it.  Geniuses remove it.
-- Perlis's Programming Proverb #58, SIGPLAN Notices, Sept.  1982
%%
"For I lean on no dead kin, my name in mine for fame or scorn
 And the world began when I was born and the world is mine to win." 
-- Badger Clark
%%
"For a male and female to live continuously together is...  biologically 
 speaking, an extremely unnatural condition."
-- Robert Briffault
%%
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.
-- H. L. Mencken
%%
	For fifteen days I struggled to prove that no functions
analogous to those I have since called Fuchsian functions could
exist; I was then very ignorant.  Every day I sat down at my
work table where I spent an hour or two; I tried a great number
of combinations and arrived at no result.  One evening, contrary
to my custom, I took black coffee; I could not go to sleep;
ideas swarmed up in clouds; I sensed them clashing until, to put
it so, a pair would hook together to form a stable combination.
By morning I had established the existence of a class of
Fuchsian functions, those derived from the hypergeometric series.
I had only to write up the results which took me a few hours.
--Henri Poincare,  "Science et Methode"
%%
"For instance, several years ago we tracked down a twelve-year-old girl who
 was going to have an abortion so that we could talk her out of it.  Talking
 a woman out of having an abortion is not news.  But tracking her down using
 a private detective is."
-- Joseph Scheidler, Executive Director, Pro Life Action League, "Closed:
    99 Ways to Stop Abortion", 1985, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For
    Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"For the church to say that abortion is not acceptable for a Catholic
 is fine.  To say directly or indirectly that on something that is a
 church teaching that you must also vote according to that -- that's
 not acceptable in a country based on the First Amendment."
-- Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy
%%
"For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays.  How tacky can ya get?"
-- Post Brothers comics
%%
"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."
-- F. Borquin
%%
"For the record, pot, like the _Reader's Digest_, is not necessarily habit-
 forming, but both can lead to hard-core addiction: heroin, in one case,
 abridged bad books in the other.  Either way you look at it, a withdrawal 
 from a meaninful life."
-- Mordecai Richler, "Going Home Again"
%%
"For those of you who don't know, you know that after about three or four
 years of concern on this issue the board of the National Right to Life
 Committee voted to oppose ERA."
-- Dr. John Wilke, President, National Right to Life Committee, "Weekend",
    1/21/79, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a
    Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"For those who say I can't impose my morality on others, I say just watch me."
-- Joseph Scheidler, Executive Director, Pro-Life Action League, "Pro-Life
    Action News", 8/8/89, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For
    Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"Fortunately, I keep my feathers numbered, for just such an emergency."
-- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
Forty two.
%%
Found under windshield wiper:

"I have just hit and dented your car.  People are watching me.
They think I am leaving you my name and address.  They are wrong."
%%
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:
 If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero.
-- David Ellis
%%
 Fraternities have no SLACK, no matter how slack-jawed they may appear.
I taught elementary calculus here at the University of SLACK for several
years, and have observed these folks carefully.
 Although some of them looked like they had SLACK, it's clear to me that
this was just the result of not getting enough sleep after the puking contest.
 I mean, those guys don't watch enough television to have real SLACK.
-- William K Glunt (bud@ms.uky.edu)
%%
"Free at last, free at last, Great God Almighty, I am free at last."
-- Martin Luther King
%%
"Free markets select for winning solutions."
-- Eric S. Raymond
%%
"Freedom is still the most radical idea of all."
-- Nathaniel Branden
%%
"Freedom" has no meaning of itself. There are always restrictions, be they
 legal, genetic, or physical. If you don't believe me, try to chew a radio
 signal.
-- Kelvin Throop III
%%
"Friends don't let friends run Xenix."
-- Stephen J. Friedl
%%
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof
and gets stuck.
%%
From Sharp minds come... pointed heads.
-- Bryan Sparrowhawk
%%
From a long view of the history of mankind -- seen from, say, ten thousand 
years from now -- there can be little doubt that the most significant event
of the 19th century will be judged as Maxwell's discovery of the laws of
electrodynamics.  The American Civil War will pale into provincial
insignificance in comparison with this important scientific event of the
same decade.
-- Richard P. Feynman
%%
"From an operating system research point of view, Unix is -- if not dead --
 certainly old stuff, and it's clear that people should be looking beyond it."
-- Dennis Ritchie, coinventor of Unix, Usenix keynote speech from Summer 1990
   [and no, that doesn't mean to VMS, MS-DOS or OS/2  -cookie ed.]
%%
From the San Francisco Chronicle:

Dean Semler, cinematographer for "Dances With Wolves," is one of those select 
Americans who got to meet Queen Elizabeth before her current visit to the 
United States.

"I said I was director of photography, to which she replied, 'Oh, how terribly 
 interesting.  Actually, I have a brother-in-law who is a photographer.'

"I replied, 'Oh, how terribly coincidental.  I have a brother-in-law who's a
 queen.'  She moved on without saying another word."
%%
From the X-windows xwud(1) man-page...

This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.
%%
"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere."
-- Dr. Seuss
%%
Frouds Law:
 A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing
 first.
%%
"Fuckin' A!  Purple Haze!!!"
-- Louie Gonzalez, Geometry class, 1973
%%
Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:
 1 Pot T == 1 Pot P
 1 Pot P != 1 Pot T
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%%
"GOTO statement considered harmful"
- E. W. Dijkstra, title to a letter in CACM 11, 3 (March, 1968)
%%
Garbage In, Gospel Out
%%
Gary Hart:  living proof that you *can* screw your brains out.
%%
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
%%
Genius is the talent of a man who is dead.
%%
"Gentlemen, gentlemen!  You can't fight in here!  This is the war room!"
-- Doctor Strangelove
%%
"Genuinely skillful use of obscenities is uniformly absent on the Internet."
-- Karl Kleinpaste
%%
Get hold of portable property.
-- Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations"
%%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
-- Calvin Keegan
%%
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs
pounding.
-- Abraham Kaplan
%%
"Give me a fruitful error any time, full of seeds, bursting with its own
 corrections.  You can keep your sterile truth for yourself."
-- Vilfredo Pareto
%%
"Giving money and power to the government is like giving
 whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." 
-- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
Go ahead, capitalize the T on technology, deify it if it will make you feel
less responsible -- but it puts you in with the neutered, brother, in with
the eunuchs keeping the harem of our stolen Earth for the numb and joyless
hardons of human sultans, human elite with no right at all to be where they
are --"
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%%
"Go on! Shoot me again! I enjoy it! I love the smell of burnt feathers
 and gunpowder and cordite!"
-- Daffy Duck, "Duck! Rabbit! Duck!"
%%
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"Go to Hell Mr. Stout -- you stink as a human being."
-- Deb Paul
%%
God grant me the senility to accept the things I cannot change,
The frustration to try to change things I cannot affect,
and the wisdom to tell the difference.
%%
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire
%%
"God is more interested in your future and your relationships than you are."
-- Billy Graham
%%
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
%%
"God not only plays dice, He sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be
 seen."
- S. Hawking
%%
God requireth not a uniformity of religion.
-- Roger Williams
%%
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and
 the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday."
-- William Bragg
%%
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
 courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
-- Reinhold Niebuhr
%%
"Good literature is about Love and War. Trash fiction is about Sex and 
 Violence."
-- Author Unknown
%%
"Gort, klaatu nikto barada."
-- The Day the Earth Stood Still
%%
"Gotcha, you snot-necked weenies!"
-- Post Bros. Comics
%%
"Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force!  It is a dangerous
 servant and a terrible master."
-- George Washington
%%
"Government sucks."
-- Ben Olson
%%
"Gozer the Gozerian:  As the duly appointed representative of the city,
 county and state of New York, I hereby order you to cease all supernatural
 activities at once and proceed immediately to your place of origin or
 the nearest parallel dimension, whichever is nearest."
-- Ray (Dan Akyroyd, _Ghostbusters_)
%%
"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from 
 mediocre minds."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"Griswold v. Connecticut first established and guaranteed the `right of
 privacy' in the conjugal act.  Sexual love, however, in a most profound
 way is anything but `private.'  Its very purpose is to break the bonds
 of privacy by physical consummation of an unreserved gift of self.  The
 contraceptive, however, denies the meaning of marital love by falsifying
 its bodily expression.  Love is no longer unreserved; something is held
 back.  `I cannot love all of you,' the contraceptive says, `because I
 cannot love all that might be created by you.'"
-- Edmund Miller, Anti-Abortion Commentator, Fidelity magazine, 10/89,
   as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned
   Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"Gun control:  Hitting what you aim at."  
-- Author Unknown
%%
HOFSTADTER'S LAW:
     Everything takes longer and costs more than expected, even when
     taking into account Hofstadter's Law.
%%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 1

proof by example:
	The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it 
	contains most of the ideas of the general proof.

proof by intimidation:
	'Trivial'.

proof by vigorous handwaving:
	Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
%%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 2

proof by cumbersome notation:
	Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special
	symbols.

proof by exhaustion:
	An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.

proof by omission:
	'The reader may easily supply the details'
	'The other 253 cases are analogous'
	'...' 

%%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 3

proof by obfuscation:
	A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless 
	syntactically related statements.

proof by wishful citation:
	The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of 
	a theorem from the literature to support his claims.

proof by funding:
	How could three different government agencies be wrong?

proof by eminent authority:
	'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-
	complete.' 

%%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 4

proof by personal communication:
	'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete 
	[Karp, personal communication].' 

proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
	'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is 
	decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.' 

proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
	The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found 
	in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian 
	Philological Society, 1883.

proof by importance:
	A large body of useful consequences all follow from the 
	proposition in question.
%%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 5

proof by accumulated evidence:
	Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.

proof by cosmology:
	The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or 
	meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.

proof by mutual reference:
	In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in 
	reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in 
	reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in 
	reference A.

proof by metaproof:
	A method is given to construct the desired proof. The 
	correctness of the method is proved by any of these 
	techniques.
%%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 6

proof by picture:
	A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well 
	with proof by omission.

proof by vehement assertion:
	It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the 
	audience.

proof by ghost reference:
	Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in 
	the reference given.

%%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 7
proof by forward reference:
	Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, 
	which is often not as forthcoming as at first.

proof by semantic shift:
	Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed 
	for the statement of the result.

proof by appeal to intuition:
	Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.
%%
HP had a unique policy of allowing its engineers to take parts from stock as
long as they built something.  "They figured that with every design, they were 
getting a better engineer.  It's a policy I urge all companies to adopt."
-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, "Will Wozniak's class give Apple to
   teacher?", EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
%%
Hackers of the world, unite!
%%
"Hah.  I know Tim Maroney.  I've smoked pot with Tim Maroney.  And K*nt Paul
 Dolan is no Tim Maroney!"
-- Gary Strand (gary@cgdra.ucar.edu)
%%
Haiku haiku bo
Baiku banana fana
Fo faiku... haiku!
-- Bruce Steinberg  (bruces@sco.com)
%%
"Happiness is Planet Earth in your rear-view mirror."
-- Sam Hurt
%%
"Happiness is being famous for your financial
 ability to indulge in every kind of excess." 
-- Calvin
%%
"Happiness is not a destination.  It's the trip."
-- anon
%%
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
	Experience is directly proportional to the
	amount of equipment ruined.
%%
Harrison's Postulate:
	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
%%
Hartley's First Law:
  You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
  on his back, you've got something.
%%
"Have you got a 27 B stroke 6?"
%%
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
photograph an American with his mouth shut!
%%
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific.  It is IN the
 Pacific.  It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right
 here."
-- Dan Quayle, Hawaii, Sep 1989
%%
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort,
 he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion."
-- Mick Farren, _When Gravity Fails_
%%
"He didn't run for reelection.	`Politics brings you into contact with all the 
 people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'"
-- Garrison Keillor, _Lake_Wobegone_Days_
%%
"He don't know me vewy well, DO he?"   -- Bugs Bunny
%%
"He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth.  It comes in one
 verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there
 is a certain pleasure in contemplating the wailing and gnashing of
 teeth, or else it would not occur so often."
-- Bertrand Russell, "Why I Am Not a Christian"
%%
He hasn't one redeeming vice.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
He that we last as Thurn and Taxis knew
Now recks no lord but the stilletto's Thorn,
And Tacit lies the gold once-knotted horn.
No hallowed skein of stars can ward, I trow,
Who's once been set his tryst with Trystero.
-- Richard Whorfinger, "The Courier's Tragedy"
%%
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains
a fool forever.    
-- Old Chinese saying
%%
"He who does not bellow the truth when he knows the truth makes himself the
 accomplice of liars and forgers."
-- French philosopher Charles Peguy
%%
"He who flames improperly risks making an ash of himself!"
-- Jeff Klumpp (jdk@ficc.uu.net)
%%
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
%%
He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return.
-- South African Saying
%%
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
-- M. C. Escher
%%
He'll sit here and he'll say, "Do this!  Do that!"  And nothing will happen.
-- Harry S. Truman, on presidential power
%%
He's dead, Jim.
%%
"He's not dumb; he knows what he's doing.  He's done that for years ...
 he's learned that if the dream's big enough, the facts don't count."
-- Billy Florence, on the value of dreambuilding
%%
Heisenberg might have been here.
%%
"Hello again, Peabody here..."
-- Mister Peabody
%%
"Hello to married men I've known.
 I'll soon have a wife and leave yours alone."
-- Charlie, singing "Go Home With Bonnie Jean", in 
     Lerner's and Lowe's "Brigadoon"
%%
"Hello...  IRON CURTAIN?  Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!
 World War III?  No thanks!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"Hello?...  What?...  Yes, Jeff...  Flame them."
-- phone conversation overheard in Peter da Silva's office
%%
"Help Mr. Wizard!"
-- Tennessee Tuxedo
%%
Her life was saved by rock and roll.
-- Lou Reed
%%
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I
grow up.
-- Peter Drucker
%%
Here at Controls, we have one chief for every Indian...but only the brave get
scalped.
%%
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
 President's and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
-- Lily Tomlin
%%
"Here comes Mr. Bill's dog."
-- Narrator, Saturday Night Live
%%
Here is an Appalachian version of management's answer to those who are 
concerned with the fate of the project:
"Don't worry about the mule.  Just load the wagon."
-- Mike Dennison's hillbilly uncle
%%
"Here's a floppy with a tar of a compressed cpio archive... and they say Unix 
 is hard to use..."
-- Karl
%%
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'"
-- Comedian Jay Leno
%%
"Hey Ivan, check your six."
-- Sidewinder missile jacket patch, showing a Sidewinder driving up the tail
 of a Russian Su-27
%%
"Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke."
-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
%%
"Hi.  This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name and 
 number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you
 in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI... BEEEP"
 -- Blue Devil comics
%%
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
%%
"History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions."
-- Ted Koppel
%%
History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts
them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing
grub, at intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another...
Truly the imago state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every
moult is a step gained.
- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
%%
Hog's breath is better than no breath at all.
-- Hog's Breath Saloon, Fort Walton Beach, Florida
%%
"Hold still while I flame you."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"Home is is the place where your computer lives and runs your life."
-- Chrome Cowboy, sobiloff@thor.acc.stolaf.edu
%%
"Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a 
 cockatoo."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeopardy I would never had lit
 one."
-- Maxim of the Hell's Angels
%%
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. - Peanuts
%%
Horizontal fragmentation results from market manipulation, the whim
of vendors, sheer incompetence, contempt for users, or the inability
of rival vendors to communicate. I'm talking about nonsense like
having 50 MS-DOS programs that each somehow find a different function
key to provide on-line help. I'm talking about differences between
products that make them incompatible and inconsistent while providing
no clear-cut technical advantage. Horizontal fragmentation vastly
increases the intellectual burden separating computer users from
solving their problems. Since it decreases the value of the computer
to the user while providing no offsetting benefit, it makes the
computer market smaller. This must eventually translate on average
into smaller paychecks for everyone who has tied their fortune to that
market.
-- Dan Mocsny (dmocsny@uceng.uc.edu)
%%
How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy
thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.  Thy navel
is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor:  thy belly is like an heap
of wheat set about with lilies.
Thy two breasts are like two young roses that are twins.
[Song of Solomon 7:1-3 (KJV)]
%%
How beautiful, how entrancing you are, my loved one, daughter of delights!
You are stately as a palm-tree, and your breasts are the clusters of dates.
I said, "I will climb up into the palm to grasp its fronds."  May I find your
breast like clusters of grapes on the vine, the scent of your breath like
apricots, and your whispers like spiced wine flowing smoothly to welcome my
caresses, gliding down through lips and teeth.
[Song of Solomon 7:6-9 (NEB)]
%%
"How can a man of integrity get along in Washington?"
-- Richard Feynman
%%
How can you be two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
-- Firesign Theater
%%
How did the computer scientist die in the shower?
He read the directions on the shampoo: Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.
%%
"How do I explain to clients that society believes buying a rock (of
 cocaine) is three or four times as bad as raping a woman?"
-- Robert Jakovitch, Broward [FL] Assistant Public Defender
	[from AP story 12 July 1990]
%%
How do you make a small fortune in Texas oil?

Start with a big one.
%%
How does a project get to be a year late? ... One day at a time.
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
How long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb?

It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him.
%%
How many Bavarian Illuminati does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue.
%%
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four.  One to change the bulb and three to share the experience.
%%
How many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"That's a known problem... don't worry about it."
%%
How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say "I told you so" when it doesn't work.
%%
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
   Let's see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program?
%%
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.  One to change the bulb and one to mix the drinks.
%%
How many Zen Buddhist does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.  One to change it and one not to change it.
%%
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master merely stays out
of the way.
%%
How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb?

"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem."
%%
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.  One to change the bulb and another to reflect on how much more
gratifying it was than a man.
%%
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

Seven:  One to install the new bulb, and six to determine what to do
        with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
%%
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but you can never change it back again.
%%
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  It's a hardware problem.
%%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to want
to change.
%%
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored
power tools.
%%
"How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"FIFTEEN!!  YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
%%
"How to make a million dollars:  First, get a million dollars."
-- Steve Martin
%%
"How's YOUR Endless Project coming?"
-- Mark Diekhans
%%
However many ways there may be of being alive,
it is certain that there are vastly more ways of being dead.
-- Richard Dawkins (The Blind Watchmaker)
%%
However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise.
There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious
beliefs.  There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than
Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being.
But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf
should be used sparingly.  The religious factions that are growing
throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom.
They are trying to force government leaders into following their position
100 percent.  If you disagree with these religious groups on a 
particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of
money or votes or both.  I'm frankly sick and tired of the political
preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be
a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and "D."  Just who do
they think they are?  And from where do they presume to claim the 
right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?  And I am even more angry as
a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who
thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
call in the Senate.  I am warning them today:  I will fight them every
step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all
Americans in the name of "conservatism."
-- Senator Barry Goldwater, from the Congressional Record, September 16, 1981
%%
Hugh Downs' Four Rules for Investigating the Universe:
Rule #1-- When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating
          pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite.
Rule #2-- When all investigation supports Rule 1, look for a situation which
          violates it.
Rule #3-- Be prepared for an infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2.
Rule #4-- Apply Rule 1.
%%
Human society - man in a group - rises out of its lethargy to new levels of
productivity only under the stimulus of deeply inspiring and commonly 
appreciated goals.  A lethargic world serves no cause well; a spirited world
working diligently toward earnestly desired goals provides the means and
the strength toward which many ends can be satisfied...to unparalleled
social accomplishment.
-- Dr. Lloyd V. Berkner, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%%
Humanity has in the course of time had to endure from the hands of
science two great outrages upon its naive self-love.  The first was
when it realized that our earth was not the center of the universe,
but only a speck in a world-system of a magnitude hardly
conceivable...  The second was when biological research robbed man of
his particular privilege of having been specially created, and
relegated him to a descent from the animal world.
-- Sigmund Freud  
%%
Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be
lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition.
-- Isaac Asimov
%%
Humanity is exalted not because we are so far above other living creatures,
but because knowing them well elevates the very concept of life.
-- Edward O. Wilson, "Biophilia"
%%
"I ... reject the argument put forth by many fundamentalists that science has
 nothing to do with religion because God is not among the things making up the
 universe in which we live.  Surely if a necessity for a god-concept in the
 universe ever turns up, that necessity will become evident to the scientist."
-- physicist Ralph Alpher, "Theology of the Big Bang," Religious Humanism,
    Vol. XVII, No. 1 (Winter 1983), pg. 12
%%
"I DO want your money, because god wants your money!"
-- The Reverend Jimmy, from _Repo Man_
%%
"I HATE arbitrary limits, especially when they're small."
-- Stephen Savitzky
%%
I REALLY like Bugs Bunny.  I think I just found out why.  A local weekly
(Metro) had an article on the wascally wabbit's 50th birthday party this
year, and they had the following quote about the animation studio where Bugs
Bunny cartoons were created...
 
"It's not every workplace that allows you to have an autographed picture of
Christ on the wall."

-- Scott Lieberman
%%
"I admire men of character, and I judge character not by how men deal with
 their superiors, but mostly how they deal with their subordinates, and that,
 to me, is where you find out what the character of a man is."
-- General Norman Schwarzkopf
%%
"I alone can bring order to this chaotic world... and all I demand is ...
 blind obedience."
-- Doctor Doom
%%
"I am ... a woman ... and ... technically a parasitic uterine growth"
-- Sean Doran the Younger
%%
I am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and by men who
are equally certain that they represent the divine will.  I am sure that
either the one or the other is mistaken in the belief, and perhaps in some
respects, both.

I hope it will not be irreverent of me to say that if it is probable that
God would reveal his will to others on a point so connected with my duty,
it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
"I am astounded ... at the wonderful power you have developed - and terrified 
 at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on record 
 forever."
-- Arthur Sullivan, on seeing a demonstration of Edison's new talking machine
   in 1888
%%
"I am aware that many object to the severity of my language; but is there not
 cause for severity?  I WILL be as harsh as truth, and as uncompromising as
 justice.  On this subject I do not wish to think, or speak, or write, with
 moderation...I am in earnest - I will not equivocate - I will not excuse - I
 will not retreat a single inch - and I WILL BE HEARD."
-- William Lloyd Garrison
%%
"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder have 
 included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.  This 
 technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's reign.  My 
 carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat.  Better go buy some more."
-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM, in alt.conspiracy
%%
"I am free, no matter what rules surround me.  If I find them tolerable,
 I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them.  I am free
 because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do."
-- Professor Bernardo de la Paz
%%
I am here by the will of the people and I won't leave until I get my raincoat
back.
-- a slogan of the anarchists in Richard Kadrey's "Metrophage"
%%
"I am interested in politics so that someday I will not
 have to be interested in politics."
-- Ayn Rand
%%
"I am made from the dust of the stars, the oceans flow in my veins."
-- Rush, "Presto"
%%
"I am not a pacifist, I celebrate the Fourth of July and all that that means,
 which was guns and bullets to get freedom."
-- Randall Terry, Executive Director, Operation Rescue, "Orange County
    Register," 3/20/89, about abortion clinic violence, as quoted in "The Far
    Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"I am thankful for one leg.  To limp is no disgrace --
 I may not be number one, but I can still run the race." 
-- B.C.
%%
"I am the Devil, and I come to do the Devil's work."
-- Charles Manson
%%
"I am your density."
  -- George McFly in "Back to the Future"
%%
"I am, therefore I am."
-- Akira
%%
"I ask for your support for our brave men fighting tonight halfway around the
 world, not for territory, not for glory, but that their younger brothers and 
 their sons and your sons can have a chance to grow up in a world of peace and 
 freedom, and justice."
-- Richard M. Nixon, April 30, 1970
%%
I ask only one thing.  I'm understanding.  I'm mature.  And it isn't much to
ask.  I want to get back to London, and track her down, and be alone with my
Selina -- or not even alone, damn it, merely close to her, close enough to
smell her skin, to see the flecked webbing of her lemony eyes, the moulding
of her artful lips.  Just for a few precious seconds.  Just long enough to
put in one good, clean punch.  That's all I ask.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%%
"I asked you not to have a spaz attack in tx.general, BUT NOOOOO!!!!"
-- Karl, via John Belushi
%%
"I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is
 us."
-- Konrad Lorenz
%%
"I believe in God, only I spell it Nature."
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%%
"I believe in a God which doesn't need heavy financing."
-- Fletch
%%
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute --
where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
to vote--where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
political preference--and where no man is denied public office merely
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the
people who might elect him.
-- from John F. Kennedy's address to the Greater Houston Ministerial
   Association, September 12, 1960.
%%
"I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church
 every Sunday unless there's a game on."
-- Steve Martin
%%
"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
 country what it once was... an arctic wilderness."
-- Steve Martin
%%
I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
child.
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%%
I believe that part of what propels science is the thirst for wonder.  It's a
very powerful emotion.  All children feel it.  In a first grade classroom
everybody feels it; in a twelfth grade classroom almost nobody feels it, or
at least acknowledges it.  Something happens between first and twelfth grade,
and it's not just puberty.  Not only do the schools and the media not teach
much skepticism, there is also little encouragement of this stirring sense
of wonder.  Science and pseudoscience both arouse that feeling.  Poor
popularizations of science establish an ecological niche for pseudoscience.
-- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer,
    Vol. 12, Fall 87
%%
"I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a
 music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make
 available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard."
-- composer John Cage, 1937
%%
      I bought the latest computer;
      it came fully loaded.
      It was guaranteed for 90 days,
      but in 30 was outmoded!
-- The Wall Street Journal passed along by Big Red Computer's SCARLETT
%%
"I call Christianity the *one* great curse, the *one* great intrinsic 
 depravity, the *one* great instinct for revenge for which no expedient
 is sufficiently poisonous, secret, subterranean, *petty* -- I call it
 the *one* mortal blemish of mankind."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and 
the building started up.  So I took it out for a drive.  A cop pulled me over 
for speeding.  He asked me where I live... "Right here".
-- Steven Wright
%%
I can call spirits from the vasty deep.
Why so can I, or so can any man; but will they come when you do call for them?
-- Shakespeare, king Henry IV, Part I
%%
        "I can do a score of things that can't be done.  I can find a
thing I cannot see, and see a thing I cannot find.  The first is time,
and the second is spots before my eyes.  I can touch a thing I cannot
feel, and feel a thing I cannot touch.  The first is your heart, and
the second is sad and sorry."
-- James Thurber, "The Thirteen Clocks"
%%
"I can give you a sentence with the word horticulture.  You
 can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
-- Dorothy Parker
%%
"I can give you a sentence with the word punctilious.  There's
 a farmer with two daughters, Lizzie and Tillie.  Lizzie is 
 all right, but you have no idea how punctilious."
-- Another member of the Algonquin Round Table
%%
"I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's
 much too confining."
-- Lilly Tomlin
%%
``I can understand the indifference of others, but SOMEONE has to do SOMETHING
   about this SOON -- before NOBODY CAN DO ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!''
-- William Kahan (shouting), 16 Feb 1990, on why `0.0/0.0' should not
%%
I can't drive 55.
%%
I can't drive 65.
%%
"I can't face the world in the morning.
 I must have coffee before I can speak."
-- Joseph Cotton in Shadow of a Doubt
%%
I cannot affirm God if I fail to affirm man.  Therefore, I affirm both.
Without a belief in human unity I am hungry and incomplete.  Human unity
is the fulfillment of diversity.  It is the harmony of opposites.  It is
a many-stranded texture, with color and depth.
-- Norman Cousins
%%
I complain often about my old age.  Now I have stopped complaining
because I can't get old anymore, the process is finished.
-- Paul Erdos
%%
"I contemplate with sovereign reverence the act of the whole American people
 which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an
 establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus
 building a wall of separation between church and state."
-- Thomas Jefferson, to the Danbury (Connecticut) Baptist Association in 1802
%%
I could prove God statistically.
-- George Gallup
%%
"I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course."

-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach
%%
I did cancel one performance in Holland where they thought my music was so easy
that they didn't rehearse at all.  And so the first time when I found that out,
I rehearsed the orchestra myself in front of the audience of 3,000 people and
the next day I rehearsed through the second movement -- this was the piece
_Cheap Imitation_ -- and they then were ashamed.  The Dutch people were ashamed
and they invited me to come to the Holland festival and they promised to
rehearse.  And when I got to Amsterdam they had changed the orchestra, and
again, they hadn't rehearsed.  So they were no more prepared the second time
than they had been the first.  I gave them a lecture and told them to cancel
the performance; they then said over the radio that I had insisted on their
canceling the performance because they were "insufficiently Zen."  
Can you believe it?
-- composer John Cage, "Electronic Musician" magazine, March 88, pg. 89
%%
"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"I dislike companies that have a we-are-the-high-priests-of-hardware-so-you'll-
 like-what-we-give-you attitude.  I like commodity markets in which iron-and-
 silicon hawkers know that they exist to provide fast toys for software types
 like me to play with..."
-- Eric S. Raymond
%%
"I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talk 
 and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 
 unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if you like.	I'll 
 tell you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk."
-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
%%
"I distrust a man who says 'when.'  If he's got to be careful not to drink too 
 much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does."
-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
%%
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church.
-- Thomas Paine
%%
I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself
to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon...
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%%
"I do not fear computers... I fear the lack of them."
-- Isaac Asimov
%%
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo its use."
-- Galileo
%%
I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
"I don't agree at all with any partisan or other criticism of the United States
 build-up in Vietnam."
-- Richard M. Nixon, February 15, 1962
%%
"I don't believe in god because I don't believe in Mother Goose."
-- Clarence Darrow
%%
"I don't believe in psychology.  I believe in good moves."
-- Bobby Fischer
%%
"I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, 
 unless he has an atomic weapon."
-- Howard Chaykin
%%
"I don't believe that the answer to white racism is black racism."
-- Spiro T. Agnew, then Governor of Maryland
%%
"I don't even know what street Canada is on."
-- Al Capone
%%
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
"I don't know if I like the idea of seatbelt laws. Enforcing intelligence
 seems, somehow, unamerican."
-- David Pugh
%%
"I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they
 be considered patriots.  This is one nation under God."
-- George Bush in Free Inquiry magazine, Fall 1988
%%
"I don't know where we come from,
 Don't know where we're going to,
 And if all this should have a reason,
 We would be the last to know.

 So let's just hope there is a promised land,
 And until then,
 ...as best as you can."
-- Steppenwolf, "Rock Me Baby"
%%
"I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of person I'm
 preaching to."
-- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
%%
"I don't see the problem.  Satan is a Christian God.  Satanists are a
 kind of off-beat christians.  They don't need a group of their own --
 they belong in some christian group, or talk.religion.misc at most."
-- Thomas Gramstad (bfu@ifi.uio.no)
%%
"I don't think Christians should use birth control.  You consummate your
 marriage as often as you like and if you have babies, you have babies."
-- Randall Terry, one of the people behind the current campaign to blockade
   health clinics and publicly harass and humiliate women
%%
"I don't think we should punish the criminal [a rapist] by killing his child."
-- Dr. John Wilke, President, National Right to Life Committee, "Search for
    Common Ground", taped for television 4/89, as quoted in "The Far
    Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
I don't want to be young again, I just don't want to get any older.
%%
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
"I feared that the committee would decide to go with their previous decision 
 unless I credibly pulled a full tantrum." 
-- dmr@alice.UUCP
%%
"I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were
 Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers."
-- Wil Wheaton explains why everyone in "Star Trek: The Next Generation" 
   is so nice
%%
I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing.
-- Darse ("Darth") Vader
%%
"I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs."
- H. L. Mencken
%%
"I got everybody to pay up front...then I blew up their planet."
  "Now why didn't I think of that?"
-- Post Bros. Comics
%%
"I guess you just have to design carefully when you get near the edge."
-- Hugh LaMaster (lamaster@ames.arc.nasa.gov)
%%
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
"I hate quotations.  Tell me what you know."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
"I hate the itching.  But I don't mind the swelling."
-- new buzz phrase, like "Where's the Beef?" that David Letterman's trying
   to get everyone to start saying
%%
"I hate to agree with Tim Maroney on anything, but I guess this latest is 
 an example of the fact that even a stopped clock is right twice a day."
-- Lee Lady, lady@uhccux.UUCP
%%
"I have a friend who just got back from the Soviet Union, and told me
 the people there are hungry for information about the West.  He was
 asked about many things, but I will give you two examples that are
 very revealing about life in the Soviet Union.  The first question he
 was asked was if we had exploding television sets.  You see, they
 have a problem with the picture tubes on color television sets, and
 many are exploding.  They assumed we must be having problems with
 them too.  The other question he was asked often was why the CIA had
 killed Samantha Smith, the little girl who visited the Soviet Union a
 few years ago; their propaganda is very effective.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
%%
"I have a perfect cure for a sore throat. Cut it."
-- Alfred Hitchcock
%%
"I have been poor and I have been rich.  Rich is better."
-- Sophie Tucker
%%
"I have discovered the heart of bushido: to die!"
-- Yamamoto Tsunetomo
%%
"I have five dollars for each of you."
-- Bernhard Goetz
%%
"I have just one word for you, my boy...plastics."
- from "The Graduate"
%%
"I have more information in one place than anybody in the world."  
-- Jerry Pournelle, an absurd notion, apparently about the BIX BBS
%%
"I have not the slightest confidence in 'spiritual manifestations.'"
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
"I have often thought that if there had been a good rap group around in
 those days I might have chosen a career in music instead of politics."
-- Richard Nixon
%%
"I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world,
 and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming
 feature.  They are all alike founded on fables and mythology."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
Calculating Engines.  I have also declined several offers of great personal
advantage to myself.  But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and after
expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government of
England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only commenced,
I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, not even the offer
of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the reach of men
who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...  

If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were a mere
triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the execution
of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some justification
might be found for the course which has been taken; but I venture to assert
that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will ever publicly express
an opinion that such a machine would be useless if made, and that no man
distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to declare the construction of
such machinery impracticable...

And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed by that
exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its advancement,
which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I think the 
application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
be economized by the aid of machinery.
-- Charles Babbage, Passage from the Life of a Philosopher
%%
"I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential 
 eligibility."
--  Paula Poundstone
%%
I have stripped off my dress; must I put it on again?  I have washed my feet;
must I soil them again?
When my beloved slipped his hand through the latch-hole, my bowels stirred
within me [my bowels were moved for him (KJV)].
When I arose to open for my beloved, my hands dripped with myrrh; the liquid
myrrh from my fingers ran over the knobs of the bolt.  With my own hands I
opened to my love, but my love had turned away and gone by; my heart sank when
he turned his back.  I sought him but I did not find him, I called him but he
did not answer.
The watchmen, going the rounds of the city, met me; they struck me and
  wounded me; the watchmen on the walls took away my cloak.
[Song of Solomon 5:3-7 (NEB)]
%%
"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
 his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
 beating up a child."
-- Steven Wright
%%
"I honestly believe that the doctrine of hell was born in the glittering eyes
 of snakes that run in frightful coils watching for their prey.  I believe
 it was born with the yelping, howling, growling and snarling of wild beasts...
 I despise it, I defy it, and I hate it."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents
become better people as a result of practicing it.
-- Joe Mullally, computer salesman
%%
"I just couldn't convince Texans that Dukakis was Greek for Bubba."
-- Lloyd Benson
%%
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
-- Cheech Marin
%%
"I just want to be a good engineer."
-- Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple Computer, concluding his keynote speech 
   at the 1988 AppleFest
%%
"I knew then (in 1970) that a 4-kbyte minicomputer would cost as much as
 a house.  So I reasoned that after college, I'd have to live cheaply in
 an apartment and put all my money into owning a computer."
-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
%%
I know engineers.  They love to change things.
-- Dr. McCoy
%%
"I like a man who grins when he fights."
- Winston Churchill
%%
I like the future, I'm in it.
%%
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
%%
"I listen to feminists and all these radical gals -- most of them are failures.
 They've blown it.  Some of them have been married, but they married some
 Casper Milquetoast who asked permission to go to the bathroom.  These women
 just need a man in the house.  That's all they need.  Most of the feminists
 need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home.  And
 they blew it and they're mad at all men.  Feminists hate men.  They're sexist.
 They hate men -- that's their problem."
-- Reverend Jerry Falwell
%%
I live in my own world.  But it's okay... They know me there.
%%
"I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years
 of maturity." 
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"I love you for your beauty; love me although I am ugly."
-- Miguel Cervantes, _Don_Quixote_
%%
I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of 
others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use 
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, 
such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I 
conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it 
appears to me at present".

When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the 
pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some 
absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by observing that in 
certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present
case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.

I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I 
engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I proposed my 
opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.  I had 
less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 
happened to be in the right.
-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
%%
"I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience.  And
 in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning, science has the
 additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable one, of being true.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer,
  Vol. 12, Fall 87
%%
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid"
-- the artificial person, from _Aliens_
%%
"I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously."
- Doctor Graper
%%
"I must invent my own philosophical systems, or else be enslaved
 by other mens'"
-- William Blake
%%
"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education."
-- Mark Twain
%%
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
-- Mae West
%%
"I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal
 in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast."
-- Ronald Reagan
%%
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation,
indivisible,
with liberty
and justice for all.
-- Francis Bellamy, 1892
%%
"I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest."
-- Alexandre Dumas (fils)
%%
"I prefer the blunted cudgels of the followers of the Serpent God."
-- Sean Doran the Younger
%%
"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk." 
-- John Huston
%%
I program, therefore I am.
%%
"I put one in each eye and two up each nostril."
-- Agent Cooper
%%
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis
socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If they think
you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go crude.  I'm a
very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible.  These days,
though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to 
crudeness.
-- Johnny Mnemonic, by William Gibson
%%
I really hate this damn machine,
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want,
But only what I tell it.
%%
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
%%
I reject this stuffy academic polite rule-oriented linear adult debate-style
chain of iterated jerk-off grown-up bullshit.
-- Ron Record (rr@sco.com)
%%
"I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and
 my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes."
-- George Carlin
%%
"I resolved no to be offended easily by human nature, but I think I blew it."
-- Hobbes
%%
	I said I'm two and a half billion years old because when I was
young the earth was two billion years old and now it is four and a half
billion years old so I must be two and a half billion years old.
-- Paul Erdos
%%
"I sat through it.  Why shouldn't you?"
-- David Letterman, it a spot promoting one of his shows
%%
"I saw _Lassie_. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
 deserve a series?"
-- the alien guy, in _Explorers_
%%
"I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit.  It's the only way to be sure."
-- Corporal Hicks, in "Aliens"
%%
"I see a divine hand in this AIDS thing."
-- Dr. John Wilke, President, National Right to Life Committee, "Planned
    Parenthood and Sex Clinics", Fundraising Audiotape Mailout for Dr. James
    C. Dobson's "Focus on the Family", winter '87, as quoted in "The Far
    Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"I see little divinity about them or you.  You talk to me of Christianity
 when you are in the act of hanging your enemies.  Was there ever such
 blasphemous nonsense!"
-- Shaw, "The Devil's Disciple"
%%
"I shall expect a chemical cure for psychopathic behavior by 10 A.M. tomorrow,
 or I'll have your guts for spaghetti."
-- a comic panel by Cotham 
%%
"I shall fold my tens and silently slip away."
-- An Algonquinite with a losing card hand
%%
I share the belief of many of my contemporaries that the spiritual crisis
pervading all spheres of Western industrial society can be remedied only 
by a change in our world view.  We shall have to shift from the materialistic,
dualistic belief that people and their environment are separate, toward a
new consciousness of an all-encompassing reality, which embraces the 
experiencing ego, a reality in which people feel their oneness with animate 
nature and all of creation.
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman
%%
I simply try to aid in letting the light of historical truth into that
decaying mass of outworn thought which attaches the modern world to
medieval conceptions of Christianity, and which still lingers among us --
a most serious barrier to religion and morals, and a menace to the whole
normal evolution of society.
-- Andrew D. White, author, first president of Cornell University, 1896
%%
"I smell a rat."
  -- Patrick Henry, upon hearing about the Constitutional
     Convention, which eventually overthrew the first
     Federal Government of the United States
%%
"I swear -- by my life and my love for it -- that I will never live for the 
 sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."
-- John Galt, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_
%%
"I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'." 
--Tammy Faye Bakker
%%
"I think Michael is like litmus paper - he's always trying to learn."
-- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitur about Michael Jackson
%%
I think an embryo/fetus/baby becomes a "person" when it is smarter than a
non-primate like a dog.  By those standards, chimpanzees and gorillas
are persons (although somewhat cognitively impaired -- kind of like
Fundamentalist Christians), but human newborns are not.
-- Dave Touretzsky
%%
"I think contraception is disgusting -- people using each other for pleasure."
-- Joseph Scheidler, Director, Pro-Life Action League
%%
"I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass."
-- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell's
 suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's
 nomination to the Supreme Court
%%
	I think for the most part that the readership here uses the c-word in
a similar fashion.  I don't think anybody really believes in a new, revolution-
ary literature --- I think they use `cyberpunk' as a term of convenience to
discuss the common stylistic elements in a small subset of recent sf books.
-- Jeff G. Bone
%%
"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"  "Nonsense, he was obviously
referring to all manufacturers of dairy products." 
-- two people in the crowd in "The Life of Brian"
%%
I think most expert systems should be referred to as "that-guy-in-the-
corner-who-everyone-hates-but-can-answer-the-weirdest-questions systems". 
Or more succinctly, "nerd systems".
-- Peter da Silva, peter@ficc.uu.net
%%
"I think some additional software is in order, to prevent the posting of
 Latin without a translation."
-- Robert Frederking
%%
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
- Oscar Wilde
%%
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this
country with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not.  But I'm
sick and tired of being told that I am.
-- Monty Python
%%
I think the best way I've heard this put is "Pascal gives you a water pistol
filled with distilled water.  C not only gives you a loaded .357, it points
it at your head as a default.  Why do you think Pascal is taught in school?
And which would you rather have when there was a hungry bear in the area?"
-- Jim Harkins (jharkins@sagpd1.UUCP)
%%
I think the problem isn't the amount of knowledge we have to assimilate
in our world, but the rate at which we can assimilate it.  Science,
engineering, and technology do not yield the "whys" of truth,
only the "hows."  In fact, they are not truths, but opinions from
the current reigning theories of how we think the physical world works.
-- eugene miya, eugene@aurora.arc.nasa.gov
%%
"I think their experience with us may have helped their contemptuousness;
 the ignorance they come by naturally."
-- Chuck McManis (personal communication)
%%
"I think there's a world market for about 5 computers."
-- Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948)
%%
"I think they will be very effective in keeping Catholic legislators away
 from the Communion rail."
-- Idaho Senator Mike Blackbird, about ecclesiastical sanctions against
    politicians
%%
"I think this country would be in much better shape if all liberal
 arts majors agreed to get a good grip on algebra and trigonometry, if
 not calculus, and all engineering/science majors agreed to get a good
 grip on literature, art, music, etc."
-- John Keppy (jkelly@violet.berkeley.edu)
%%
"I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my
 lifetime."
-- Johnny Legend
%%
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
%%
"I think; therefore, I can't be a Socialist."
-- Thomas Landsberger
%%
I took a fish head to the movies and I didn't have to pay.
-- Fish Heads, Saturday Night Live, 1977.
%%
"I turn on my television set.  I see a young lady who goes under the guise
 of being a Christian, known all over the nation, dressed in skin-tight
 leather pants, shaking and wiggling her hips to the beat and rhythm of the
 music as the strobe lights beat their patterns across the stage and the
 band plays the contemporary rock sound which cannot be differentiated from
 songs by the Grateful Dead, the Beatles, or anyone else.  And you may try
 to tell me this is of God and that it is leading people to Christ, but I
 know better."
-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocritical sexual pervert and TV preacher, self-described
 pornography addict, "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.", 
 The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50.
%%
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
-- Graffiti
%%
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from
you.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
"I want more life, fucker!"
-- Roy Batty, in Ridley Scott's Blade Runner
%%
"I was brought up in the other service; but I knew from the first that the
 Devil was my natural master and captain and friend.  I saw that he was in
 the right, and that the world cringed to his conqueror only from fear."
-- Shaw, "The Devil's Disciple"
%%
"I was charged on minestrone, and invincible."
-- Vicki Brown, about AI programming.
%%
I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
-- Lucinda Childs (Philip Glass: Einstein On The Beach)
%%
"I was not born to be forced.  I will breathe after my own fashion. ... If a
 plant cannot live according to its nature, it dies; and so a man."
-- Henry David Thoreau
%%
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and
4 people died.
-- Steven Wright
%%
I was thinking of trademarking the lowercase letter l.  Then I could sue the
number 1 for look and feel...
-- Jonathan Kagle
%%
"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked if I had any questions.
 I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and 
 you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?  He said he couldn't 
 answer that.  I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then."
-- Steven Wright
%%
"I will contend that conceptual integrity is *the* most important
 consideration in system design."
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., _The Mythical Man Month_
%%
"I will defend to your death my right to my opinion."
-- Author Unknown
%%
"I will make no bargains with terrorist hardware."
-- Peter da Silva
%%
I will say one good thing for vi, after I learned that, the keys didn't change
like they did for Nethack, but I still only use it when I have to.
-- Matt Ranney <t22918@ursa.calvin.edu>
%%
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
%%
"I woke up this morning, and I realized that somebody had broken into my 
 apartment, stolen all my things and replaced them with exact duplicates.
 I asked my roommate if he noticed anything, and he said, 'Who are you?'"

"The other day I.... No, that wasn't me."

"My friend Bob is a radio DJ, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear
 him talk."

"My father built a quicksand box in our back yard.  I was an only child, 
 eventually."

-- comedian Steven Wright
%%
"I woudn't recommend sex, drugs, or Unix for everyone, but they work for me."
Jim Thompson (jthomp@central.sun.com), paraphrasing Hunter S. Thompson
%%
"I would give the Devil benefit of the law for my own safety's sake."
-- _A_Man_for_All_Seasons_ by Robert Bolt
%%
I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
gotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the
missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
-- Oliver North
%%
"I would never give artificial birth control to an unmarried person..."
-- Judie Brown, President, American Life League, "Nightline", 7/21/89,
   as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood
   pamphlet
%%
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
-- Graffiti
%%
I'll feel a whole lot better when you're gone...
-- Tom Petty
%%
"I'll punch the first person who calls me a pacifist."
-- chrisn@sco.com
%%
"I'll put an end to the idea that a woman's body belongs to her . . . the
 practice of abortion shall be exterminated with a strong hand."
-- Adolf Hitler, _Mein Kampf_
%%
"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
-- Daffy Duck, Looney Tunes, _Robin Hood Daffy_
%%
"I'll say it again for the logic impaired."
-- Larry Wall <lwall@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov>
%%
"I'll tell you what kind of guy I was.  If you ordered a boxcar full of
 sons-of-bitches and opened the door and only found me inside, you could
 consider the order filled."  
-- Robert Mitchum
%%
I'm Batman.
%%
"I'm a Leo.  Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff."
-- Tom Neff
%%
I'm a clown.  That's my sole mechanism of defense.  Very few people will go 
out of their way to punish a clown.
-- ???
%%
"I'm a living saint, but you can just call me Sister Cindy."
-- Sister Cindy
%%
"I'm a lover, not a hacker."
-- Jeff Daiell
%%
"I'm a mean green mother from outer space."
 -- Audrey II, The Little Shop of Horrors
%%
"I'm a self-made man, but I think if I had to do it over again, I'd call in
 someone else."
-- Roland Young
%%
"I'm against any law that I wouldn't break if I could get away with it."
-- A. Whitney Brown, SNL
%%
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State.  My idea
 is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both
 of them together is certain death."
-- George Carlin
%%
I'm driving my landrover through the dunes of ideas... rmmm!
It's cool, though.  I've got a rollbar.
-- Todd Rockoff
%%
I'm going to EUROPE this summer--but when I
GET BACK, I'll have TRAINING waiting for me
as a COMBAT ENGINEER !!!

Sound familiar?  Be all you can BE!

"Ya sluzhat v'Army!"
	--Russian for "I'm in the Army!"  (I serve in the Army)

-- Brad Morrison
%%
"I'm growing older, but not up."
-- Jimmy Buffett
%%
"I'm not a god, I was misquoted."
-- Lister, Red Dwarf
%%
"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"I'm not happy until I've violated somebody's civil rights and then put them
 in jail. ... That ruins their day ... but it makes mine."
-- Christopher Commision report of LAPD car-to-car computer message, 7/91
%%
I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
gence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
and use the word *billions*, and so on.  And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but 
what's your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
-- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, 
    Vol. 12, Fall 87
%%
I'm sick of being trodden on!  The Elder Gods say they can make me a man!
All it costs is my soul!  I'll do it, cuz NOW I'M MAD!!!
-- Necronomicomics #1, Jack Herman & Jeff Dee
%%
"I'm such an *asshole*!"
	"I know how you feel, Chris... And you're right."
%%
"I've always wondered about that taping equipment, but I'm damn glad we have
 it.  Aren't you?"
-- President Richard Nixon, to chief of staff H. R. Haldeman, April 25, 1973
%%
"I've been called an evil genius by cities of assholes...  but I know who
 these people are!  And they're on my list!" 
 -- Robert Crumb
%%
"I've been trey-dueced."
-- An Algonquinite with a hand of threes and twos
%%
"I've brought Gatsby to life.  I've accounted for his money.  I've fixed up
 the two weak chapters (VI and VII).  I've improved his first party.  I've
 broken up his long narrative in Chapter VIII."
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, on revising his galley proofs
%%
 "I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means.	It means we
  get to keep all our old mistakes."
 -- Dennie van Tassel
%%
"I've gone to hundreds of fortune-tellers' parlors, and have been told
 thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready
 to arrest her."
-- New York City Detective
%%
I've got a bad feeling about this.
%%
"I've got some amyls.  We could either party later or, like, start his heart."
-- "Cheech and Chong's Next Movie"
%%
"I've heard about these cult jamborees.  It's an international goon gathering.
 Lots of howling and drinking... Orgiastic worship of heathen idols... Great
 looking chicks in diaphanous robes..."
-- Sam
%%
"I've seen it.  It's rubbish."
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
%%
"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more
 of them who were paralyzed in the head"
- George Wallace
%%
"I've seen the forgeries I've sent out."
-- John F. Haugh II (jfh@rpp386.Dallas.TX.US), about forging net news articles
%%
"IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique' to destroy the
 competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the ground and covers it with leaves.
 It then puts a big POT OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey, look at
 all this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor approaches the
 pot, he falls into the pit"
-- John C. Dvorak
%%
"IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use."
-- Andrew Tannenbaum <trb@ima.ima.isc.com>,  author of Minix and Amoeba
%%
"IT'S THE TWO GODDAMNED CULTURES AGAIN !*! Bit-brained nerdery on one
 side, effete fin-de-siecle malaise on the other. And kingdoms of hybrid
 delight abandoned in the middle."  
-- Jonathan Burns, burns@latcs1.oz
%%
If A equals success, then the formula is:
   A= X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been necessary to invent it."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
If God had wanted man to fly, He would have given him airline tickets.
%%
If God had wanted man to go around nude, He would have given him bigger hands.
%%
"If I can send the flower of the German nation into the hell of war without the
 smallest pity for the shedding of precious German blood, then surely I have 
 the right to remove millions of an inferior race that breeds like vermin."
-- Adolf Hitler
%%
"If I didn't have a Unix machine, I'd feel naked."
-- Guess Who
%%
"If I do not return to the pulpit this weekend, millions of people will go
 to hell."
-- Jimmy Swaggart, 5/20/88
%%
"If I do not want others to quote me, I do not speak."  
-- Phil Wayne
%%
"If I ever get around to writing that language depompisifier, it will change
 almost all occurrences of the word "paradigm" into "example" or "model."
-- Herbie Blashtfalt
%%
If I had a shiny gun
I could have a world of fun
Speeding bullets through the brains
Of the folks that cause me pains

Or, if I had some mustard gas
I could make the moments pass
bumping off the numbers of
people who I do not love

-- Dorthy Parker
%%
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known
 will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber
%%
"If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never 
 stop throwing up."
-- Max Von Sydow's character in Woody Allen's "Hannah and Her Sisters"
%%
"If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't see his 
 feet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football."
-- Chuck Newcombe
%%
"If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use,
 it's just a toy."
-- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitur
%%
"If a guy tells me the probability of failure is 
 1 in 10E5, I know he's full of crap." 
-- Richard P. Feynmann, "What Do You Care What Other People Think?"
%%
"If a machine can be made so that an idiot can use it,
 then only an idiot will use it." 
-- Tadao Ichikawa
%%
"If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and
 the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will
 lose that, too."
-- W. Somerset Maugham
%%
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
-- Sir Peter Medawar, The Art of the Soluble
%%
If a reasonable launch schedule is to be maintained, engineering often cannot
be done fast enough to keep up with the expectations of the originally con-
servative certification criteria designed to guarantee a very safe vehicle.
In such situations, safety criteria are altered subtly -- and with often
apparently logical arguments -- so that flights can still be certified in
time.  The shuttle therefore flies in a relatively unsafe condition, with
a chance of failure on the order of a percent.  (It is difficult to be more
accurate.) ...

Let us make recommendations to ensure that NASA officials deal in a world of
reality, understanding technological weaknesses and imperfections well enough
to be actively trying to eliminate them.  They must live in a world of reality
in comparing the costs and utility of the shuttle to other methods of entering
space.  And they must be realistic in making contracts and in estimating the
costs and difficulties of each project.  Only realistic flights schedules 
should be proposed -- schedules that have a reasonable chance of being met.
If in this way the government would not support NASA, then so be it.  NASA
owes it to the citizens from whom it asks support to be frank, honest, and
informative, so that these citizens can make the wisest decisions for the use
of their limited resources.

For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public 
relations, for Nature cannot be fooled.

-- Richard P. Feynman, conclusions of Appendix F: Personal Observations on
    the Reliability of the Shuttle, from his tenure with the presidential
    commission investigating the Challenger disaster, _What Do You Care What
    Other People Think?_
%%
	If a schlemazl sold umbrellas, it would stop raining; if he sold
candles, the sun would never set; and if he made coffins, people
would stop dying.
%%
"If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to
 get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that
 netnews is far more addictive than cocaine."
-- Rob Stampfli
%%
"If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion."
-- George Benard Shaw
%%
"If all men were brothers, would you want one to marry your sister?"
-- title of a Theodore Sturgeon short story
%%
"If all philosophers were required to present their ideas in novels,
 to dramatize the exact meaning and consequences of their philosophies
 in human life, there would be far fewer philosophers -- and far better
 ones."
-- Ayn Rand

"...and a lot more really bad novels!"
-- Jeremy York, jeremy@milton.acs.washington.edu
%%
"If anything can go wrong, it will."
-- Edsel Murphy
%%
"If at all possible, you should avoid being a young person or a wheat
 farmer when the president starts feeling international tension."
-- Dave Barry
%%
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
plentiful as blackberries...
-- Leslie Stephen (1832-1904), literary essayist, author
%%
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, Jolt Cola
would be a Fortune-500 company.

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, you'd be
able to buy a nice little colonial split-level at Babbages for $34.95.

If programmers wrote programs the way builders build buildings, we'd still
be using autocoder and running compile decks.

-- Peter da Silva and Karl Lehenbauer, a different perspective
%%
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
-- Gerald Weinberg  (sysop's note: bull)
%%
If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not 
use.
%%
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
- Bert Lantz
%%
"If it doesn't come from you, shouldn't it come from Gerber?"
-- Bristol Meyers baby formula ad
%%
If it glistens, gobble it!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If it smells good, eat it!
-- T-Shirt slogan for the Franklin Square Deli, Kent, Ohio
%%
"If it sounds GOOD to YOU, it's bitchen; and if it sounds BAD to YOU, it's
 shitty."
-- Frank Zappa
%%
"If it's a despot you would dethrone, see first that his throne erected
 within you is destroyed."
-- Kahlil Gibran, 1923
%%
"If it's not loud, it doesn't work!"
-- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom"
%%
If it's working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
If it's not working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
-- A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming
%%
"If life had a vomit meter, we'd be off the scale."
-- Joe Bob Briggs
%%
"If money is your hope for independence you will never have it.  The only
 real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge,
 experience, and ability."
-- Henry Ford
%%
"If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job."
-- Woody Allen
%%
If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any
connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of
religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and
superficial answer is not far to seek....
The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the various
denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that,
if any connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival
denomination would get an unfair advantage.
-- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher, 
     from "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%%
"If one is going to steal, it is considered somewhat sporting to inform the 
 victims beforehand; for examples see any episodes of the BATMAN TV series."
-- Robert J Woodhead (trebor@biar.UUCP)
%%
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss Bank.
-- Woody Allen
%%
"If only the Catholics would stick together and live up to their Faith [as
 regards birth control], they could control the world and the world's
 morality."
-- Dr. Claude Newbury, Director, HLI Johannesburg, "HLI Special Report," #62,
   as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood
   pamphlet
%%
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
 then we are a sorry lot indeed."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops."
-- Kelvin Throop
%%
"If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don't need an enemy."
-- Kurt Vonnegut
%%
"If projectile vomiting ever becomes an Olympic event, you'll do your country
 proud."
-- Hobson, "Arthur II"
%%
If science were explained to the average person in a way that is accessible
and exciting, there would be no room for pseudoscience.  But there is a kind
of Gresham's Law by which in popular culture the bad science drives out the
good.  And for this I think we have to blame, first, the scientific community
ourselves for not doing a better job of popularizing science, and second, the
media, which are in this respect almost uniformly dreadful.  Every newspaper
in America has a daily astrology column.  How many have even a weekly
astronomy column?  And I believe it is also the fault of the educational
system.  We do not teach how to think.  This is a very serious failure that
may even, in a world rigged with 60,000 nuclear weapons, compromise the human
future.
-- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, 
     Vol. 12, Fall 87
%%
"If scientific discovery has not been an unalloyed blessing, if it has
 conferred on mankind the power not only to create but also to
 annihilate, it has at the same time provided humanity with a supreme
 challenge and a supreme testing."
-- John F. Kennedy
%%
If something's not worth doing, it's not worth doing well.
%%
"If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's
 hairdo go down?"
-- Robin Williams
%%
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
-- Stanley Garn
%%
"If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, and 
 explode once a year killing everyone inside."  
-- Robert Cringely/InforWorld
%%
"If the bulk of American SF can be said to be written by robots, about
 robots, for robots, then the bulk of English fantasy seems to be written
 by rabbits, about rabbits and for rabbits."
-- Michael Moorcock
%%
"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong."
-- Norm Schryer
%%
"If the conjecture `You would rather I had not disturbed you by sending you 
 this.' is correct, you may add it to the list of uncomfortable truths."
-- Edsgar Dijkstra
%%
"If the human mind were simple enough to understand,
 we'd be too simple to understand it."
-- Pat Bahn
%%
If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, I
see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by
electricity.
-- Samuel F. B. Morse
%%
"If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
 Let's hear it for OSI and X!  With those babies in the wings, we can count on
 being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, paper
 folding, or something."
-- C. Philip Wood
%%
"If there isn't a population problem, why is the government putting cancer in 
 the cigarettes?"
-- the elder Steptoe, c. 1970
%%
	"If there's ever anything I can do for you -- or, more to the point,
to you, don't hesitate to ask."
	"*What?*"
"Which word didn't you understand?"
%%
"If this country is worth saving, it's worth saving at a profit."
-- H. L. Hunt
%%
If this is a service economy, why is the service so bad?
%%
"If today you can take a thing like evolution and make it a crime to teach in
 the public schools, tomorrow you can make it a crime to teach it in the 
 private schools and next year you can make it a crime to teach it to the 
 hustings or in the church.  At the next session you may ban books and the 
 newspapers... Ignorance and fanaticism are ever busy and need feeding.  
 Always feeding and gloating for more.  Today it is the public school teachers;
 tomorrow the private.  The next day the preachers and the lecturers, the
 magazines, the books, the newspapers.  After a while, Your Honor, it is the 
 setting of man against man and creed against creed until with flying banners
 and beating drums we are marching backward to the glorious ages of the 
 sixteenth centry when bigots lighted fagots to burn the men who dared to bring
 any intelligence and enlightenment and culture to the human mind."
-- Clarence Darrow, at the Scopes Monkey Trial

"The net effect of Clarence Darrow's great speech yesterday seemed to be
 precisely the same as if he had bawled it up a rainspout in the interior
 of Afghanistan."
-- H. L. Mencken
%%
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"
-- Lily Tomlin
%%
"If we are to begin packaging ourselves as boxes of cereal, Democracy will
 die... for you could not win the presidency without proving unworthy of
 the job."
-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
"If we can't fix it -- we'll fix it so nobody can."
-- B. Gibbons
%%
If we cannot learn from our mistakes, we just rename them; "Success".
-- Jon Loux
%%
"If we die, we want people to accept it.  We're in a risky business...
 The conquest of space is worth the risk of life."
-- Gus Grissom
%%
"If we do not succeed, then we face the risk of failure."
-- Dan Quayle, Vice-President of the United States
%%
"If we fail to draw the line in Vietnam we may find ourselves compelled to 
 draw a defense line as far back as Seattle and Alaska, with Hawaii as a 
 solitary outpost in mid-Pacific."
-- Senator Thomas J. Dodd, February 23, 1965
%%
"If we fail to make non-violent action a real, viable, obviously strong
 possibility  . . . then I think we're going to drift into guerrilla warfare."
-- John Cavanaugh-O'Keefe, Director, Prolife Nonviolent Action Project,
   "National Catholic Register," 1/4/87, about abortion clinic violence, as
   quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood
   pamphlet
%%
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy
%%
"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry."
-- Chekhov
%%
"If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are
 probably hallucinating."
-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
%%
"If you can persuade your customer to tatoo your name on their chest, they 
 probably will not switch brands."
-- an Indiana University professor, re: Harley-Davidson owners 
%%
"If you can set the rules, you can win the game."
-- John McCormack
%%
"If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its 
 laws.  Today, television tells most of the stories to most of the people 
 most of the time."
-- George Gerbner
%%
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets."
-- David Bedno (davidbe@sco.COM)
%%
"If you can't debate me, then there is no way in hell you'll out-insult me."
-- Scott Legrand (Scott.Legrand@hogbbs.Fidonet.Org)

"You may be wrong here, little one."
-- R. W. F. Clark (RWC102@PSUVM)
%%
"If you can't drink a lobbyist's whiskey, take his money, sleep with his women
 and still vote against him in the morning, you don't belong in politics."
-- Speaker of the California Assembly Jesse Unruh
%%
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
"If you can, help others.  If you can't, at least don't hurt others."
-- the Dalai Lama
%%
"If you demand money from someone in exchange for your silence, it's called
 ``blackmail.''  If your lawyer demands money from someone in exchange for
 your silence, it's called ``a settlement.''
-- Karl
%%
"If you do everything, you'll win."
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
%%
"If you don't make money off of it, it had better be either a religious
 experience or a hobby."
-- Lance Cooper
%%
"If you don't read news.groups, the net appears to be a rather tranquil place."
-- Karl Lehenbauer, about Usenet
%%
"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything."
-- F. Jeff Stiles, Southern Baptist preacher
%%
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
 Lavoris in the toilet."
-- Comedian Jay Leno
%%
If you don't watch it, you're going to catch something.
%%
"If you encounter these negroes shoot first, ask questions later."
-- LAPD squad-car computer message, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91
%%
"If you get somebody to give you a dollar, they'll vote for you for the rest
 of their lives."
-- Hugh Parmer, Democratic candidate for the 1990 U.S. Senate, from Texas
%%
"If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find
 something in them to hang him."
-- Cardinal de Richelieu
%%
"If you juggle with knives, you're likely to get cut."
-- Kieran Donegal
%%
"If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and 
 fire them all off, wouldn't you?"
-- Garrison Keillor
%%
"If you meet the Buddha on the net, put him in your kill file."
-- Robert Firth
%%
"If you own a machine, you are in turn owned by it, and spend your time
 serving it..."
-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, _The Forbidden Tower_
%%
If you permit yourself to read meanings into (rather than drawing meanings out
of) the evidence, you can draw any conclusion you like.
-- Michael Keith, "The Bar-Code Beast", The Skeptical Enquirer,
   Vol 12 No 4 p 416
%%
"If you post it, they will flame."
-- The voice from Field of Dreams,
     according to Brian Frost (b1f5814@rigel.tamu.edu)
%%
"If you substitute other kinds of intellectual property into the GNU
 MANIFESTO, it quickly becomes absurd."
-- Cal Keegan
%%
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the
largest shopping center in the world?
-- Richard M. Nixon
%%
"If you took all the sincerity in Hollywood and put it in the navel of a fruit
 fly, you'd still have room for three carraway seeds and a producer's heart."
-- Fred Allen
%%
"If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead
 show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to
 the moon and back... and none of them would be
 complaining."
-- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times
%%
"If you want the best things to happen in corporate life you have to find ways
 to be hospitable to the unusual person.  You don't get innovation as a 
 democratic process.  You almost get it as an anti-democratic process.
 Certainly you get it as an anthitetical process, so you have to have an
 environment where the body of people are really amenable to change and can
 deal with the conflicts that arise out of change an innovation."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc.,  
   "Herman Miller's Secrets of Corporate Creativity",
   The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%%
"If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the freight."
-- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory
%%
"If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead
 stuff."
-- Dave Enyeart
%%
"If you weren't my teacher, I'd think you just deleted all my files."
-- an anonymous UCB CS student, to an instructor who had typed "rm -f *" to
   get rid of a file named "-f" on a Unix system.
%%
If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your
mother, your Dad, your priest, to some guy on television, to any of the
people telling you how to do your shit, then you *deserve* it.  If you
want to be a schmuck, be a schmuck -- but don't wait around for respect
from other people -- a schmuck is a schmuck.
-- Frank Zappa, _The Real Frank Zappa Book_
%%
"If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee."
-- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle", to Johnson Space Center, Houston
  July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.
%%
If you're dumb enough, you can fuck up anything.
-- karl@neosoft.com
%%
If you're not careful, you're going to catch something.
%%
If you're not part of the solution,
you must be part of the precipitate.
%%
If you've seen one Grand Canyon, you've seen them all.
-- a member of the Monkey Wrench Gang
%%
If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
-- Spiro Agnew
%%
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
-- Ronald Reagan
%%
"If your computer doesn't multitask, it ain't shit."
-- Cal Keegan
%%
If your lover doesn't like garlic, get a new lover.
-- Jeff Smith, The Frugal Gourmet
%%
"Ignorance is the soil in which belief in miracles grows."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
"Ignorance simplifies ANY problem."
-- R. Lucke
%%
"Ignorance transcends architecture."
-- James Gaskin
%%
Ignore previous fortune.
%%
Ill-chosen abstraction is particularly evident in the design of the ADA
runtime system. The interface to the ADA runtime system is so opaque that
it is impossible to model or predict its performance, making it effectively
useless for real-time systems.
-- Marc D. Donner and David H. Jameson.
%%
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.
%%
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
-- The New Mighty Mouse
%%
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality
 at any point."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
"In Germany they first came for the Communists, 
   and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews, 
   and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
   and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics,
   and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.  
Then they came for me -
   and by that time no one was left to speak up."

-- Pastor Martin Niemoller 
%%
In Lisbon when heretics were publicly burned, it sometimes happened that one of
them, by particularly edifying recantation, would be granted the boon of being
strangled before being put into the flames.  This would make the spectators so
furious that the authorities had great difficulty in preventing them from
lynching the penitent and burning him on their own account.  The spectacle of
the writhing torments of the victims was, in fact, one of the principal
pleasures to which the populace looked forward to enliven a somewhat drab
existence.  I cannot doubt that this pleasure greatly contributed to the
general belief that the burning of heretics was a righteous act.  The same sort
of thing applies to war.  People who are vigorous and brutal often find war
enjoyable, provided that it is a victorious war and their is not too much
interference with rape and plunder.  This is a great help in persuading people
that wars are righteous.
-- Bertrand Russell, _Unpopular_Essays_, 1950
%%
"In Western terms, love is like an extended software Q.A. suite.  True love
 is like a final acceptance test.  But one has to be willing to take bug
 fixes and work-arounds; otherwise, the software is never done."
-- The Usenet Oracle
%%
    In accepting an honorary degree from the University of Notre Dame a few 
years ago, General David Sarnoff [head of RCA] made this statement: "We are 
too prone to make technological instruments the scapegoats for the sins of 
those who wield them.  The products of modern science are not in themselves 
good or bad; it is the way they are used that determines their value."  That 
is the voice of the current somnambulism.  Suppose we were to say, "Apple pie 
is in itself neither good nor bad; it is the way it is used that determines 
its value." ...  There is nothing in the Sarnoff statement that will bear 
scrutiny, for it ignores the nature of the medium, of any and all media, in 
the true Narcissus style of one hypnotized by the amputation and extension of 
his own being in a new technical form. ... It has never occurred to General 
Sarnoff that any technology could do anything but _add_ itself on to what we 
already are.
-- Marshall McLuhan, _Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man_ (1964)
%%
"In addition I think science has enjoyed an extraordinary success
 because it has such a limited and narrow realm in which to focus its
 efforts.  Namely, the physical universe."
-- Ken Jenkins
%%
In arguing that current theories of brain function cast suspicion on ESP,
psychokinesis, reincarnation, and so on, I am frequently challenged with
the most popular of all neuro-mythologies -- the notion that we ordinarily
use only 10 percent of our brains...

This "cerebral spare tire" concept continues to nourish the clientele of
"pop psychologists" and their many recycling self-improvement schemes.  As
a metaphor for the fact that few of us fully exploit our talents, who could
deny it?  As a refuge for occultists seeking a neural basis of the miraculous,
it leaves much to be desired.
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:  Implications for
   Psi Phenomena", The Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2, pg. 171
%%
In article ... jmi@devsim.mdcbbs.com (JM Ivler - Douglas Aircraft) writes:
>Mass junk mail. If all of us who use this group for what it was
>designed for start to mass mail the below message to the offenders,
>maybe they will have enough sense to go somewhere else. My bloody
>kill file is getting too damn big!

Mass junk mail?
Just say 'forward to jmi@devsim.mdcbbs.com'.
-- Jay Maynard, jay@splut.conmicro.com
%%
In article ... s892804@minyos.xx.rmit.oz.au (Wee Willie) writes:
>Well I guess the summary says it all, where do I find Sports Illustrated GIF's
>or anything similar ????

I violate copyright and I'm OK,
I view all night and I scan all day.
  He violates copyright and he's OK,
  he views all night and he scans all day.
I buy magazines at the corner store,
When I've scanned them all, I'll buy some more.
  He buys magazines at the corner store,
  When he's scanned them all he'll buy some more.

Well, you get the idea...
-- J Eric Townsend (jet@karazm.math.uh.edu)
%%
In article <10796@hoptoad.uucp> tim@hoptoad.UUCP (Tim Maroney) writes:
>I'm not going to be as kind to FICC in general as you have been.
>Something is wrong there.  These three semiliterate fanboys send dozens
>of messages a day, fewer than half of which are about anything in
>particular.  I haven't had a kill file since Weiner left, but I've been
>sorely tempted to use one to avoid seeing anything from ficc.

However, in article <10767@hoptoad.uucp> tim@hoptoad.uucp (Tim Maroney) writes:
>Kill files are an expression of resentment by the unmemorable or
>untalented against the memorable and talented.  Your appearance in kill
>files merely marks the fact that you have more than once tried to make
>people think, when they really would rather not.  It is an honor.

Will the real Tim Maroney please stand up?

-- Mike Van Pelt (mvp@v7fs1.UUCP)
%%
In article <1133@gort.cs.utexas.edu> Jason bitches about IBM screwing all
of the people who were dumb enough to buy RTs, then...
-- Rad Morrison
%%
In article <2267@speedy.mcnc.org> spl@duck.ncsc.org (Steve Lamont) writes:
>I hate "me too" postings 

Me too.

-- Charleen Stoner, charleen@ADS.COM
%%
In article <49813@seismo.CSS.GOV>, tcarter@seismo.CSS.GOV (Thomas Carter) says:
>     From dust thou didst come; To dust thou shalt return.

    One day it will be reasonably common for fans of the bible to point
    out the marvelous scientific accuracy of the bible in saying that
    mankind was created from dust. Those same fans will look back on
    current creationists with the same embarassment as current Christians
    look back on the pope of Galileo's time.

-- Chris Ho-Stuart (cjhs@minster.york.ac.uk)
%%
In article <649.2686213d@desire.wright.edu> nyoung@desire.wright.edu (Nils R. 
Bull Young) writes:
|   I consider this to be a form of censorship of my access to the
| free exchange of information and thus a First Amendment question.

....
In common terms you can write a book, and no one can stop you or tell
you what to write, but no one else is required to publish the book, or
to read it. You can raise specious issues in net postings, but no one
is required to agree, to carry your postings, or even read them. If
everyone on the net adds you to their KILL file, you have no recourse.
If every site checks incoming postings and blows your stuff away,
that's their right.

  Don't worry, a few individuals may ignore you, but the bulk of the net
will read every word, if only to disagree.

-- Bill Davidsen (davidsen@crdos1.crd.GE.COM)
%%
In article <9001312222.AA20446@apee.ogi.edu>, mehuld@APEE.OGI.EDU (Mehul Dave) 
writes:
> I apologize for misposting this article to a wrong newsgroup.  It was
> intended for sci.philosophy.tech.  Sorry for the oversight.

Come, come; you needn't apologize.  News.groups is the very bastion
of synthetic a priori judgments, so why not attack the Kantian beast
in its lair?
-- Mike Siemon, mls@cbnewsm.ATT.COM
%%
In article <REYNOLDS.90Jul17202859@cochlea.bu.edu> reynolds@cochlea.bu.edu
(John Reynolds) writes:
>Robert Tilton Ministries
>Box 819000 Dallas, TX 75381
>* Complete Instructions on How to Receive your Miracle (That is, send
>in "more money than you can afford", three times in 21 days)

It really works!  We prayed for OpenWindows V2 to ship on schedule and it
happened!  We didn't send him any money and a disk blew up on our server!
Praise ``Bob''!

-- david@eng.sun.com
%%
"In corporate life, I think there are three important areas which contracts
 can't deal with, the area of conflict, the area of change and area of reaching
 potential.  To me a covenant is a relationship that is based on such things
 as shared ideals and shared value systems and shared ideas and shared
 agreement as to the processes we are going to use for working together.  In
 many cases they develop into real love relationships."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%%
"In ecology, as in economics, TANSTAAFL (There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free
 Lunch) is intended to warn that every gain is won at some cost. Failure to
 recognize the "no free lunch" law causes the buffalo-hunter mentality
 syndrome -- the unthinking assumption that there will always be plenty because
 there always has been plenty."
-- Dr. Robert W. Prehoda
%%
"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
In every language, the first word after "Mama!" that every kid learns to say
is "Mine!"  A system that doesn't allow ownership, that doesn't allow you to
say "Mine!" when you grow up, has -- to put it mildly -- a fatal design flaw.

From the time Mr. Developing Nation was forced to read _The Little Red Book_
in exchange for a blob of rice, till the time he figured out that waiting in
line for a loaf of pumpernickel was boring as fuck, took about three
generations. ...

Decades of indoctrination, manipulation, censorship and KGB excursions haven't
altered this fact: People want a piece of their own little Something-or-Other,
and, if they don't get it, have a tendency to initiate counterrevolution.
-- Frank Zappa, _The Real Frank Zappa Book_
%%
"In general, it is best to assume that the network is filled with malevolent
 entities that will send in packets designed to have the worst possible effect"
-- the draft "Requirements for Internet Hosts" RFC
%%
"In general, it's very hard to protect oneself against omnipotent beings."
-- Barry Margolin (barmar@think.com) 9 Sep 89, <29114@news.Think.COM>
%%
In his '90 Usenix presentation, Dennis Ritchie reminded the audience that 
Steve Jobs stood at the same podium a few years back and announced that 
X-windows was brain-dead and would soon die.  "He was half-right.  Sometimes 
when you fill a vacuum, it still sucks."
-- Dennis Ritchie, coinventor of Unix, from an article in Unix Today
%%
In his book, Mr. DePree tells the story of how designer George Nelson urged
that the company also take on Charles Eames in the late 1940s.  Max's father,
J. DePree, co-founder of the company with Herman Miller in 1923, asked Mr.
Nelson if he really wanted to share the limited opportunities of a then-small
company with another designer.  "George's response was something like this:
'Charles Eames is an unusual talent.  He is very different from me.  The
company needs us both.  I want very much to have Charles Eames share in
whatever potential there is.'"
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%%
In many traditional corporations, too many people are fearful of saying what
they really think because they don't trust each other.  People believe their
opinions can get them in trouble.
-- John Scully, _Odyssey_
%%
"In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved."
-- Butler
%%
"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with 
 the current."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
   In modern Europe, as in ancient Greece, it would seem that even inanimate
objects have sometimes been punished for their misdeeds.  After the revocation
of the edict of Nantes, in 1685, the Protestant chapel at La Rochelle was
condemned to be demolished, but the bell, perhaps out of regard for its value,
was spared.  However, to expiate the crime of having rung heretics to prayers,
it was sentenced to be first whipped, and then buried and disinterred, by way
of symbolizing its new birth at passing into Catholic hands.  Thereafter it
was catechized, and obliged to recant and promise that it would never again
relapse into sin.  Having made this ample and honourable amends, the bell was
reconciled, baptized, and given, or rather sold, to the parish of St. 
Bartholomew.  But when the governer sent in the bill for the bell to the
parish authorities, they declined to settle it, alleging that the bell, as
a recent convert to Catholicism, desired to take advantage of the law lately
passed by the king, which allowed all new converts a delay of three years in 
paying their debts.
-- Sir James G. Frazer, _Folklore In The Old Testament_
%%
In my opinion, Perl's biggest weaknesses are (1) its syntax is
fantastically complex (consider the multiple meanings of / and $), and
(2) it is a collection of features more than a coherent language for
expressing algorithms.
--  Dale Worley (worley@compass.com)
%%
"In my opinion, Richard Stallman wouldn't recognise terrorism if it
 came up and bit him on his Internet."
-- Ross M. Greenberg
%%
In order to succeed in any enterprise, one must be persistent and patient.
Even if one has to run some risks, one must be brave and strong enough to
meet and overcome vexing challenges to maintain a successful business in
the long run.  I cannot help saying that Americans lack this necessary 
challenging spirit today.
-- Hajime Karatsu
%%
"In our last congressional elections, there was less turnover in the House
 of Representatives than there was in the Soviet Politburo:  98.5% of the
 incumbents were reelected!"
-- John McCormick, _Self-Made In America_
%%
In recognizing AT&T Bell Laboratories for corporate innovation, for its
invention of cellular mobile communications, IEEE President Russell C. Drew
referred to the cellular telephone as a "basic necessity."  How times have
changed, one observer remarked: many in the room recalled the advent of
direct dialing.
-- The Institute, July 1988, pg. 11
%%
"In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die
 unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated
 that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years.  Off
 the record, God has stated that "If I had wanted to ice the little
 toad, I would have done it a long time ago."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%%
 In respect to lock-making, there can scarcely be such a thing as dishonesty 
 of intention: the inventor produces a lock which he honestly thinks will 
 possess such and such qualities; and he declares his belief to the world.
 If others differ from him in opinion concerning those qualities, it is open
 to them to say so; and the discussion, truthfully conducted, must lead to
 public advantage: the discussion stimulates curiosity, and curiosity stimu-
 lates invention.  Nothing but a partial and limited view of the question
 could lead to the opinion that harm can result: if there be harm, it will be
 much more than counterbalanced by good."
-- Charles Tomlinson's Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks, 
   published around 1850.
%%
In science, right conduct consists of evaluating evidence honestly and
according to the canons of scientific reasoning.  To misrepresent the
evidence and the criteria of judgment is not merely to provide
misinformation; it is to set an example of dishonesty.  Telling lies
to naive and trusting young persons is bad.  Doing so for the purpose
of proselytizing is worse.
-- biologist Michael T. Ghiselin
%%
In space, no one can hear you fart.
%%
"In space, no one can hear you flame."
-- Tim P Scott, scott@spectra.com
%%
"In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear 
 rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to 
 drink beer."
-- Dave Barry
%%
In the beginning, I was made.  I didn't ask to be made.  No one consulted
with me or considered my feelings in this matter.  But if it brought some
passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way
through life's mournful jungle, then so be it.
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android, From Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the
     Galaxy Radio Scripts
%%
In the broad and final sense all institutions are educational in the
sense that they operate to form the attitudes, dispositions, abilities
and disabilities that constitute a concrete personality...Whether this
educative process is carried on in a predominantly democratic or non-
democratic way becomes, therefore, a question of transcendent importance
not only for education itself but for its final effect upon all the
interests and activities of a society that is committed to the democratic
way of life.
-- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher
%%
"In the cafeteria just after lunch, (well, not *just* after, more like
 *during* lunch, about 12:28; say 12:30, give or take a few minutes),
 I leaned back in my chair (it was one of those aluminum chairs, good
 strength-to-weight, like titanium but not quite; but then of course
 titanium would be a bit of an overkill).  Anyway, I heard one of the
 girls talking about how boring she thought engineers could be."
-- Alan Denney (aland@informix.com)
%%
"In the carriages of the past you can't go anywhere."  
-- Maxim Gorkey
%%
"In the face of entropy and nothingness, you have to kind of pretend it's not
 there if you want to keep writing good code."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"In the fight between you and the world, back the world."
-- Frank Zappa
%%
In the future, etiquette will become more and more important.  That doesn't
mean knowing which fork to pick up -- I mean basic consideration for the
rights of other animals (human beings included) and the willingness,
whenever practical, to tolerate the other guy's idiosyncrasies.
-- Frank Zappa, _The Real Frank Zappa Book_
%%
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
-- Robert Lucky
%%
In the interests of better foreign relations, "Cheesehead" is presented here
in several different languages.  Make friends with our world-wide neighbors:

   Cabasa de Quesa (Spanish)
   Cara de Quesa   (Spanish, actually "face of cheese", but equally as
		    acceptable as "Cabasa de Quesa" in most social situations.
		    It is important that this not be confused with "Casa de 
		    Quesa", which is "house of cheese", and another thing 
		    entirely.) 
   Capa de Fromage (French)
   Head 'o Cheese  (Scottish/Welsh)
   Ahhh-yu-gotta-Chezehead (Japenese, spoken very fast)
%%
"In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the
 role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger.  I do not shrink from
 this responsibility -- I welcome it."
-- John F. Kennedy (from his Inaugural Address)
%%
"In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble."
-- Alan Perlis
%%
In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has
today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool --
programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they
describe.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
-- John Lilly
%%
In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are
prepared.
-- Louis Pasteur
%%
In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a nice, 
solid piece of wood in your hands.
-- Ian Faith, manager of Spinal Tap
%%
In truth, there never was any remarkable lawgiver amongst any people
who did not resort to divine authority, as otherwise his laws would
not have been accepted by the people; for there are many good laws, the
importance of which is known to be the sagacious lawgiver, but the
reasons for which are not sufficiently evident to enable him to persuade
others to submit to them; and therefore do wise men, for the purpose
of removing this difficulty, resort to divine authority.
-- Machiavelli
%%
Inadmissible:  Not competent to be considered.  Said of certain kinds of
testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with,
and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves
alone.  Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted was
unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most momentous 
actions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, are
daily undertaken on hearsay evidence.  There is no religion in the world
that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.  Revelation is hearsay
evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the
testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established and
who are not known to have been sworn in any sense.  Under the rules of
evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the
Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law...

But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved
that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to
mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.
If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike
destitute of value.  --Ambrose Bierce
%%
"Incest is a voluntary act on the woman's part."
-- Charles Rice, Professor of Law, Notre Dame University, in a pamphlet
   published by the American Life League
%%
"Inconceivable!"
  "You use that word a lot.  I don't think it means what you think it does."
-- The Princess Bride
%%
"Indecision is the basis of flexibility."
-- button at a Science Fiction convention
%%
"Indeed, to quarantine a person with AIDS or the AIDS virus does entail a
 loss, in the short run, of human freedom.  Agreed.  But the idea of human
 freedom isn't now, and never has been, absolute.  Besides, in the long run,
 as I have noted, all people with AIDS die."
-- John Lofton, Anti-Choice Columnist, The Washington Times, 3/31/89, as
   quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood
   pamphlet
%%
"Inferiority complex:  a conviction by a jury of your fears."
-- anon
%%
"Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at all times
 been the fearless advocates of liberty and justice."
-- Robert Green Ingersoll
%%
"Inquiry is fatal to certainty."
-- Will Durant
%%
"Insanity is hereditary.  You can catch it from your kids."
-- Erma Brombeck
%%
"Insanity is the exception in individuals.  In groups, parties, people,
 and times, it is the rule."
-- Nietzche
%%
"Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything
 you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to
 insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be,
 be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to
 insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as 
 your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be
 yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this
 thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen."

-- Madrak, in _Creatures of Light and Darkness_, by Roger Zelazny
%%
"Insofar as love expresses itself, it is not expressing itself in terms of
 socially approved manners of life.  That's why it is all so secret.  Love
 has nothing to do with social order.  It is a higher spiritual experience
 than that of socially organized marriage."
-- Joseph Campbell
%%
Instead of whining to the net about it, why don't you talk to the news admins 
at Berkeley?  If they won't trash sci.skeptic there, pass around a petition.
Threaten to set their dog on fire.  Whatever.  If nothing works, you can, as a 
last resort, unsubscribe.
-- Dave Mack, mack@inco.UUCP, responds to a flame in news.groups
%%
"Intelligence without character is a dangerous thing."
-- G. Steinem
%%
"Intelligence, in diapers, is invisible.  And when it matures, out the window 
 it flies.  We have to pounce on it earlier."
-- Stanislaw Lem
%%
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York 
 City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves 
 around than any other city in the world."
-- David Letterman
%%
"Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient.
 It's called 'rain'."
-- Michael McClary, in alt.fusion
%%
"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
 someone writes `bible thumpers?'
-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
%%
"Is it just me, or does there seem to be an inordinate number of lurkers
 whose heads are imploding lately?  Maybe all these alternative viewpoints
 are too much for them to handle."
-- Trent Wohlschlaeger (jtw@wuee1.wustl.edu)
%%
Is it possible that the solution to the software quality crisis was discovered
in Korea in the 15th century?  The following is from Daniel J. Boorstin, "The
Discoverers" quoting, apparently, Kim Won-Yong, "Early Movable Type in Korea"
(1954):

    "The supervisor and compositor shall be flogged thirty times for an error
    per chapter; the printer shall be flogged thirty times for bad impression,
    either too dark or too light, of one character per chapter."

Boorstin continues, "This helps explain both the reputation for accuracy earned
by the earliest Korean imprints and the difficulty that Koreans found in
recruiting printers."

-- Martin Minow, RISKS 11.37 [dated April 1, 1991]
%%
"Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?" 
-- Sonic Disruptors comics
%%
"Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation to which the filing system
 has been lost?"
-- Quentin Crisp
%%
"Is this bullshit or fertilizer?"
-- Author Unknown
%%
"Is this foreplay?"
   "No, this is Nuke Strike.  Foreplay has lousy graphics.  Beat me again."
-- Duckert, in "Bad Rubber," Albedo #0 (comics)
%%
"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen
 to weather forecasts and economists?"
-- Kelvin Throop, III
%%
"It ain't over until it's over."
-- Casey Stengel
%%
"It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us in trouble.  It's the
 things we know that ain't so."
-- Artemus Ward aka Charles Farrar Brown
%%
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God.
It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
"It does not do to leave a dragon out of your calculations, if you live near
 him."
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%%
"It does not pay a prophet to be too specific."
-- L. Sprague de Camp
%%
"It doesn't much signify whom one marries for one is sure to find out next 
 morning it was someone else."
-- Rogers
%%
"It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
 than be the instrument of his army's downfall."
-- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
%%
"It had to be said: the world is perishing from an orgy of self-sacrifice."
-- Howard Roark, in Ayn Rand's _The Fountainhead_
%%
"It has nothing to do with the size of Mr. Alnwick's company.  We go after 
 companies large and small."
-- Rita Black, spokesperson for IBM, "Unix Today!", 5/29/89, page 51
%%
"It is a faith (not always justified) of theoretical physics that if man
 proposes what is sufficiently elegant, nature, pleased and flattered, will 
 say yes."
-- Leon N. Cooper, "Introduction To The Meaning & Structure Of Physics"
%%
It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
-- Willie Sutton
%%
It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but it
is also very memorable.  I vividly recall the night we decided how to organize
the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360.  The manager of
architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and I were
threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.

The architecture manager had 10 good men.  He asserted that they could write
the specifications and do it right.  It would take ten months, three more
than the schedule allowed.

The control program manager had 150 men.  He asserted that they could prepare
the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; it would be 
well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.  Furthermore, if
the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling their thumbs
for ten months.

To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control program
team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, but would
also be three months late, and of much lower quality.  I did, and it was.  He
was right on both counts.  Moreover, the lack of conceptual integrity made
the system far more costly to build and change, and I would estimate that it
added a year to debugging time.
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%%
It is best to avoid volcanos whenever possible.
%%
"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
 coming up it."
-- Henry Allen
%%
"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not."
-- Andre Guide
%%
"It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but
 the result's the same."
-- Mike Dennison
%%
It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and
failed.
-- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere
%%
It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because
he is not of the same opinion, is a monster.
-- Voltaire
%%
It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails, admit it frankly
and try another.  But above all, try something.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%%
"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."
-- Alfred Adler
%%
   It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
completely. . . .Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
man.
- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
%%
"It is hard to overstate the debt that we owe to men and women of genius."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
"It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall
 out."
-- Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
%%
It is important to note that probably no large operating system using current
design technology can withstand a determined and well-coordinated attack,
and that most such documented penetrations have been remarkably easy.
-- B. Hebbard, "A Penetration Analysis of the Michigan Terminal System",
      Operating Systems Review, Vol. 14, No. 1, June 1980, pp. 7-20
%%
"It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as
 one's hat keeps blowing off."
-- Woody Allen
%%
It is inconceivable that a judicious observer from another solar system
would see in our species -- which has tended to be cruel, destructive,
wasteful, and irrational -- the crown and apex of cosmic evolution.
Viewing us as the culmination of *anything* is grotesque; viewing us
as a transitional species makes more sense -- and gives us more hope.
-- Betty McCollister, "Our Transitional Species", 
     Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 1
%%
It is my purpose, as one who lived and acted in these days, to show how
easily the tragedy of the Second World War could have been prevented;  how
the malice of the wicked was reinforced by the weakness of the virtuous...
We shall see how the counsels of prudence and restraint may become prime 
agents of mortal danger;  how the middle course adopted from desires for
safety and a quiet life may be found to lead direct to the bull's eye of
disaster.
-- Sir Winston Churchill
    _Memoirs of the Second World War_ (Houghton Mifflin, 1959)
%%
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat
somebody.
-- Richard M. Nixon
%%
It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
"It is not possible to convey sarcasm to certain members of the net without
 using a 2x4.  The smiley face merely reminds them of why their head is being
 dented."
-- John Woods
%%
  It is not the fact of liberty but the way in which liberty is
  exercised that ultimately determines whether liberty itself
  survives...  When liberty is taken away by force it can be
  restored by force.  When it is relinquished voluntarily by
  default it can never be recovered.
  
  -- Dorothy Thompson, American journalist, author (1894-1961)

%%
It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and
intimidation.
%%
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.
-- Robert Bly
%%
"It is tempting to take the easy political path ... to get peace at any price 
 now, even though I know that a peace of humiliation for the United States 
 would lead to a bigger war or surrender later."
-- Richard M. Nixon, April 30, 1970
%%
"It is the creationists who blasphemously are claiming that God is cheating
 us in a stupid way."
-- J. W. Nienhuys
%%
"It is the cunning of form to veil itself continually in the evidence of
 content.  It is the cunning of the code to veil itself and to produce itself
 in the obviousness of value."
-- Baudrillard
%%
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
%%
It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon
insufficient evidence.
-- W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876
%%
It is your destiny.
-- Darth Vader
%%
"It isn't easy being a fat narcissist."
-- Jackie Gleason
%%
"It just goes to show what you can do if you're a total psychotic."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to
 create him."
 -Arthur C. Clarke
%%
It may soon be time for you to look for a new line of work.
%%
It may stop, but it never ends.
-- Matt Howarth
%%
It might be worth reflecting that this group was originally created
back in September of 1987 and has exchanged over 1200 messages.  The
original announcement for the group called for an all inclusive
discussion ranging from the writings of Gibson and Vinge and movies
like Bladerunner to real world things like Brands' description of the
work being done at the MIT Media Lab.  It was meant as a haven for
people with vision of this scope.  If you want to create a haven for
people with narrower visions, feel free.  But I feel sad for anyone
who thinks that alt.cyberpunk is such a monstrous group that it is in
dire need of being subdivided.  Heaven help them if they ever start
reading comp.arch or rec.arts.sf-lovers.
-- Bob Webber
%%
"It might help if we ran the MBA's out of Washington."
-- Admiral Grace Hopper
%%
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of a
new system.  For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by
the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders in
those who would gain by the new ones.
-- Machiavelli
%%
"It says he made us all to be just like him.  So if we're dumb, then god is
 dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
-- Frank Zappa
%%
"It still brings to mind the question of what (if anything) can be done
 to show the media that 'cyberpunks' aren't just a bunch of pimple-faced
 geeks who sit around trying to break into bank computers or whatever."
-- James Hartman (phaedrus@flatline.UUCP)

"But cyberpunks *are* a bunch of pimple-faced geeks who sit around trying to
 break into bank computers or whatever.  Re-read _Neuromancer_ and apply the
 inverse James Bond transformation to Case and his cohorts.  They're all 
 supposed to be totally out of shape, with their disdain for the `meat'."
-- Peter da Silva (peter@sugar.hackercorp.com)
%%
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
-- Edward Dahlberg
%%
"It takes a smart man to know when he's stupid." 
-- Barney Rubble
%%
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted
 to my kind of fooling."
- R. Frost
%%
"It took no computation to dance to the rock 'n roll station."
-- VU
%%
"It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some
 of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp,
 probably not someone here on campus."
-- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, quoted in "The Technique,"
    Georgia Tech's newspaper, after the computer worm hit the Internet
%%
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
-- Mark Twain
%%
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
always thus.
-- Dean Lattimer
%%
"It was just dumb luck that Unix managed to break through the Stupidity Barrier
 and become popular in spite of its inherent elegance."
-- gavin@krypton.sgi.com
%%
It was pity that stayed his hand.
"Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito.
-- _Bored_of_the_Rings_, a Harvard Lampoon parody of Tolkein
%%
It was sick...But it gave of the sanctified odor of serious art, and so 
Sherman hesitated to be candid.
-- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities"
%%
"It was the Law of the Sea, they said.	Civilization ends at the waterline.
 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top."
- Hunter S. Thompson
%%
"It wasn't lies.  It was just bullshit, that's all."
-- Elwood Blues
%%
"It's OK to do the right thing... as long as you don't get caught."
-- The Lone Contractor
%%
"It's Woody Allen's fault," he had said, squeezing his bottle of Rolling Rock
 as if it were a hand grip.  "He had to go and ruin romantic love for all the
 rest of us for all time with his goddamn lobsters."
-- Ann Beattie
%%
"It's a fine world, though rich in hardships at times."
-- Augustus  McCrae
%%
"It's a great time to be alive and be a computer weenie."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of
 gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."

 "Hit it."

-- Jake and Elwood Blues
%%
"It's a very valuable function and requirement that you're performing, so
 have a great day and keep a stiff upper lip."
-- Dan Quayle, Prince William Sound, May 1989
%%
It's all very funny until someone loses an eye.
%%
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
%%
"It's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all
 doubt."
-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
"It's better to get mugged than to live a life of fear."
-- Freeman Dyson

Freeman did indeed say that, but I'm probably the only person who was
listening to him at the time.  So, you won't find it written in any of
his books.
-- Russell Nelson <nelson@clutx.clarkson.edu>
%%
"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse!  This gun is so futuristic that even 
 *I* don't know how it works!"
-- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
%%
"It's easier to get forgiveness than permission."
-- Grace Murray Hopper
%%
It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff.
%%
"It's like deja vu all over again."   -- Yogi Berra
%%
"It's like pissing your pants to keep yourself warm."
-- Disparaging Danish engineering proverb describing short-term solutions
%%
"It's morally wrong to let a sucker keep his money."
-- Canada Bill Jones
%%
"It's no longer socially acceptable to talk about rape as a crime of
 passion, boys; it's like making jokes about black people and
 watermelons.  Unless you're from the "barefoot and pregnant" school of
 social relations, you should have enough sensitivity to avoid
 discussing extremely unpleasant violent acts in a flippant manner in
 front of people who must live in fear of being potential victims, or
 who are likely acquaintances of actual ones.

 Jim Muller is of course an exception, because he's an artiste."
-- Dave Touretzky
%%
"It's no sweat, Henry.  Russ made it back to Bugtown before he died.
 So he'll regenerate in a couple of days.  It's just awful sloppy of
 him to get killed in the first place.  Humph!"
-- Ron Post, Post Brothers Comics
%%
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
-- Cal Keegan
%%
It's not often that you get so much class entertainment outside your bedroom
window or outside your bedroom, period.
-- Groucho Marx
%%
It's not the critic that counts.  Not the man who points out how the strong 
man stumbled, or whether the doer of deeds could have done them better.  
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is 
marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, and often
comes up short again and again.  Who knows the great enthusiasms and spends 
himself in a worthy cause.  And who, if at best in the end, knows the triumph
of higher treatment and high achievement.  And who, at worst, if he fails, at 
least fails while daring greatly so that his soul shall never be with those
cold and timid ones who know neither victory nor defeat. 

-- Leo Buscaglia (I believe quoting John F. Kennedy)
%%
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop
(seen on a wall in Down by law)
%%
"It's not what we don't know that gets us into trouble, it's what we know that 
 ain't so."
-- Will Rogers
%%
"It's real handy, havin' an Elder God in the band, eh?"
-- Post Brothers comics
%%
"It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?"
-- Peter Oakley
%%
"It's the best thing since professional golfers on 'ludes."
-- Rick Obidiah
%%
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine...
-- R.E.M, from the song of the same name.
%%
"It's the things that nobody knows anything about that we can discuss..."
--Richard P. Feynman
%%
It's time to boot, do your boot ROMs know where your disk controllers are?
%%
"It's very hard for anything to make it out of Hollywood these days without a 
 lame-ass wimpout ending tacked on at the whining request of test audiences 
 selected from the most puerile of the Nielsen families, who are, as we all 
 know, chosen on the basis of the number of cousin-cousin marriages in their
 family over the last ten generations."
-- Nix Thompson (nix@sgi.com)
%%
"It's very healthy for a young girl to be deterred from promiscuity by fear
 of contracting a painful, incurable disease, or cervical cancer, or sterility,
 or the likelihood of giving birth to a dead, blind, or brain-damage [sic] baby
 even ten years later when she may be happily married."
-- Phyllis Schlafly
%%
"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."
-- John Wooden
%%
"It's when they say 2 + 2 = 5 that I begin to argue."
-- Eric Pepke
%%
"Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of
 journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated,
 it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community."
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
-- Little Richard
%%
JESUS SAVES, but Clones 'R' Us makes backups!
-- William Lewis (wiml@blake.acs.washington.edu)
%%
Jed: Do you know what's underneath every altar at a Catholic church?
Voice from the crowd:  Led Zeppelin records!
-- quote attributed to Brother Jed, from alt.brother-jed
%%
"Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine." 
-- Patti Smith
%%
"Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin."
-- Michael O'Donohugh
%%
"Jesus saves sinners... and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!"
-- John Wichers (wichers@husc4.HARVARD.EDU)
%%
Jesus saves.  Moses invests.
%%
"Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
-- Daniel Hinojosa (hinojosa@hp-sdd)
%%
"Joy is wealth and love is the legal tender of the soul."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
"Judging a piece of fiction by the quality of its writing without considering
 its subject matter is like buying a car because it has a pretty paint job,
 without considering the state of its engine and transmission."
-- Kelvin Throop III
%%
"Just Say No."
-- Nancy Reagan
%%
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
- Southern California Oracle
%%
	Just because they found Martin Bormann's skull doesn't mean he's
dead, my best beloved; for everyone knows that competent observers from
every neutral country have reported sighting an old man in Argentina
whose head is wrapped in bandages, and only the hunted eyes show, winking
and blinking beneath the thousands of cranial splints...
-- William T. Vollman, "You Bright and Risen Angels"
%%
"Just because you understand what something should look like doesn't mean
 you know how to build it."
-- karl@neosoft.com
%%
"Just once I'd like to meet an alien menace that isn't immune to bullets."
-- The Brigadier, Doctor Who
%%
 "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
%%
"Just the facts, Ma'am."
-- Joe Friday
%%
"Just think of a computer as hardware you can program."
-- Nigel de la Tierre
%%
"Just think, IBM and DEC in the same room, and we did it."
-- Ken Thompson, quoted by Dennis Ritchie
%%
"Just think, with VLSI we can have 100 ENIACS on a chip!"
-- Alan Perlis
%%
"Justice has nothing to do with what goes on in a courtroom, Justice is what 
 comes out of a courtroom."
-- Clarence Darrow
%%
Justice is incidental to law and order.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
%%
"Justice, like lightning, should ever appear
 To some men hope, to other mean fear."
-- Jefferson Pierce
%%
Karl's version of Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to exceed the time
allotted it.
%%
"Keep the wind in your solar sails..." 
-- Glenn Clapp
%%
"Keeping proprietary and confidential information secret is the key to moving
 the computer industry into the 21st century."
-- Letter from Apple Computer and Rasterops to the Macintosh user community
%%
Kenneth, what's the frequency?
%%
Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
%%
Kill Ugly Processor Architectures
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
Kill Ugly Radio
-- Frank Zappa
%%
Kill files are an expression of resentment by the unmemorable or
untalented against the memorable and talented.  Your appearance in kill
files merely marks the fact that you have more than once tried to make
people think, when they really would rather not.  It is an honor.
-- Tim Maroney, who is in at least a few...
%%
"Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit!"
-- Looney Tunes, "What's Opera Doc?" (1957, Chuck Jones)
%%
"Kitten:  small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to
 the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with
 near-mythical overtones of cuteness.  Not recommended for beginners.  Get
 at least two."
-- strata@psyche.mit.edu
%%
"Knowing when to optimize is as important as knowing how."
-- Tom Neff
%%
"L'extension des privileges des femmes est le principe general de tous progres 
 sociaux."
-- Charles Fourier, 1808
%%
"Lab rats seem to have been bred for cancer hypersensitivity by the medical
 establishment and the FDA.  We are the kings and the rats taste our food."
-- James Salsman (jps@cat.cmu.edu)
%%
Lack of skill dictates economy of style.
-- Joey Ramone
%%
"Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about."
-- B. L. Whorf
%%
"Largely because it is so tangible and exciting a program and as such will
 serve to keep alive the interest and enthusiasm of the whole spectrum of
 society...It is justified because...the program can give a sense of shared
 adventure and achievement to the society at large."
- Dr. Colin S. Pittendrigh, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%%
"Last night I watched the news and the end of the broadcast showed numerous
 changes favorable for the people (e.g., Rumania, Berlin Wall, etc.).  My
 fiancee and I turned to each other and said ``No images from the US.''"
-- Mike Shaff (shaff@elements.rpal.com)
%%
"Laugh while you can, monkey-boy."
-- Dr. Emilio Lizardo
%%
Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
%%
"Laundry increases exponentially in the number of children."
-- Miriam Robbins
%%
Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
 If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
%%
"Laws don't work, unless they merely codify generally accepted behavior,
 in which case they are probably unnecessary."
-- tom@genie.slhs.udel.edu
%%
Laws of Computer Programming
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
(6) The value of a program is proportional to the 
    weight of its output.
(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
    programmer who must maintain it.
(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in
    English, and you will find that programmers cannot write
    in English.
-- SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2
%%
"Lead us in a few words of silent prayer."
-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach
%%
"Lenin probably wouldn't understand.  But then, no one around he seems to care 
 what he would think."
-- Lynn Ashby's report on Romania
%%
"Lesser artists borrow, great artists steal."
-- Igor Stravinsky
%%
"Let every man teach his son, teach his daughter, that labor is honorable."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
"Let me control a planet's oxygen supply, and I don't care who makes the laws."
-- Great Cthuhlu's Starry Wisdom Band (via Roger Leroux)
%%
"Let me guess, Ed.  Pentecostal, right?"
-- Starcap'n Ra, ra@asuvax.asu.edu

"Nope.  Charismatic (I think - I've given up on what all those pesky labels
 mean)."
-- Ed Carp, erc@unisec.usi.com

"Same difference - all zeal and feel, averaging less than one working brain 
 cell per congregation. Starcap'n Ra, you pegged him.  Good work!"
-- Kenn Barry, barry@eos.UUCP
%%
Let me play with it first and I'll tell you what it is later.
-- Miles Davis
%%
Let me state that programming is not the science of coding but the art of
finding solutions of non-formalized problems and expressing these solutions in
explicit and clear way.
-- Vadim Antonov (avg@hq.demos.su)
%%
"Let no one mistake it for comedy, farcical though it may be in all its
 details.  It serves notice on the country that Neanderthal man is
 organizing in these forlorn backwaters of the land, led by a fanatic,
 rid of sense and devoid of conscience.  Tennessee, challenging him too
 timorously and too late, now sees its courts converted into camp meetings
 and its bill of rights made a mock of by its sworn officers of the law."
-- H. L. Mencken, about the Scopes Monkey Trial
%%
"Let the evil minds of the world beware!  Ever and always shall
 the Avengers prevail!"
-- Thor
%%
"Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that
 the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans -- born in this
 century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of 
 our ancient heritage -- and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing
 of those human rights to which this Nation has always been committed...."
-- John F. Kennedy (from his Inaugural Address)
%%
"Let us condemn to hellfire all those who disagree with us."
-- militant religionists everywhere
%%
    "Let us go forth not as defenders of the status quo,
    but as crusaders with a revolution idea - that
    government should be the servant and not the master
    of the people; that its purpose is to protect, not
    deny, each man's freedom; that the purpose of a free
    press is to liberate, not enslave the human spirit."

-- From the speech made by A. S. Hills upon taking office as President of the 
   Inter-American Press Association
%%
Let us, then, fellow citizens, unite with one heart and one mind.  Let us
restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which
liberty and even life itself are but dreary things.  And let us reflect
that having banished from our land that religious intolerance under which
mankind so long bled, we have yet gained little if we countenance a
political intolerance as despotic, as wicked, and capable of a bitter and
bloody persecutions.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
"Let's give discredit where discredit is due."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance.  It's the thing that makes
 America great.  If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we
 have tolerated the last eight years?"
-- Frank Zappa, Feb 1, 1989
%%
"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!"
-- The Ghostbusters
%%
	Liberty Hulse of Middle Island was steadying an unidentified blonde
woman who was crying and appeared near a state of collapse.
	``You have to eat,'' Hulse said to the woman. ``You have a beautiful
family, and you have to take care of them too.''
	Hulse explained to reporters that the woman ``hasn't eaten for weeks''
because of anxiety over the fate of two dogs who were ostensibly buried
in the cemetery in Middle Island about 60 miles east of New York City.
	Hulse said she also paid to have her dog buried there, and she
expressed concern that the cemetery might be bulldozed as a health
hazard because of an estimated quarter of a million animals buried
there.
	``Are they going to bulldoze it?'' she asked. ``Over my dead body,
because they will have to kill me first.''
-- (UPI) Enraged pet owners curse cemetery owners, 7/9/91
%%
"Liberty is the mother, not the daughter, of order."
-- Proudhon
%%
"Lies written in ink can never disguise facts written in blood.  Blood debts
 must be repaid in kind.  The longer the delay, the greater the interest."
-- Chinese author Lu Xun, 1926
%%
"Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming instead of
 watching television."
-- Cal Keegan
%%
Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
-- Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan
%%
Life is a game.  Money is how we keep score.
-- Ted Turner
%%
"Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit."
-- David McCord
%%
"Life is a pinball machine.  You bounce around for a while,
 and then you drain."
-- Joe Bak
%%
Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to
be solved.
-- Gerard Straub, television producer and author (stolen from Frank Herbert??)
%%
"Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring,
 and because it has fresh peaches in it."
-- Alice Walker
%%
Life is full of concepts that are poorly defined.  In fact, there are very few 
concepts that aren't.  It's hard to think of any in non-technical fields.  
-- Daniel Kimberg
%%
"Life is full of surprises when you're up th' stream of consciousness
 without a paddle..."
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same damn thing over and over!
%%
Life is wasted on the living.
-- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
%%
"Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all...."
-- Thomas J. Kopp
%%
"Life sucks, but it's better than the alternative."
-- Peter da Silva
%%
"Life's a Cabaret... Long, dull, and full of Nazis."
-- Howard the Duck
%%
"Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters."
-- Ross Presser
%%
Life's the same, except for the shoes.
-- The Cars
%%
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
-- Marvin the paranoid android
%%
Life.  Don't talk to me about life.
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
%%
Like all women, she believed that rest and pleasure were bad for men.
-- Fritz Leiber, _Swords and Ice Magic_
%%
  Like almost all old [more than 70 years], large [more than 10,000 people]
institutions, the government did not get to be as successful as it is by acting
the way it does now.  
-- Paraphrased  by estell%fidler.decnet@nwc.navy.mil from the original 
statement by Robert Townsend, in _Up the Organization._ 
%%
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who
watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide
people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and
cruelty for that.  On the other hand, I respect and envy the people 
who get inspiration from their religions.
-- Benjamin Spock
%%
"Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 
 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem."  
-- Alan McKay
%%
"Little else matters than to write good code."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"Little prigs and three-quarter madmen may have the conceit that the laws of 
 nature are constantly broken for their sakes."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
Live Free or Live in Massachusetts.
%%
Live and learn... Die and forget it all.
%%
Live free or die.
%%
"Live or die, I'll make a million."
-- Reebus Kneebus, before his jump to the center of the earth, Firesign Theater
%%
"Lobbyists threatening to withhold campaign contributions from 
 lawmakers who don't support their special-interest causes could 
 be violating bribery laws, Colorado House Speaker Bev Bledsoe 
 warned yesterday." 
-- The Denver Post, 3 May 1990, p. 1B 
%%
Long life is in store for you.
%%
Look at it this way: MSDOS is an overgrown program loader; the MacOS
is an overgrown user interface.  Neither is an operating system, but
the second is better for running applications.
-- Paul Placeway
%%
"Look ma!  Three arms!"
-- J. Eric Townsend (erict@flatline.UUCP)
%%
"Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!"
-- Buckaroo Banzai
%%
Lord FINCHLEY tried to mend the Electric Light
        Himself. It struck him dead: And serve him right!
        It is the business of the wealthy man
        To give employment to the artisan.
-- H. Belloc
%%
"Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies."
-- D'Hericault
%%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%%
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
%%
"Love is always having to say I'm sorry."
-- Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)
%%
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 
 the ideal never goes unpunished."
-- Goethe
%%
Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
%%
"Love is never what we looked for and always takes us by surprise:  it's the 
 rock on Coyote's head in the middle of the Road Runner chase.  It's not the 
 pain of love Coyote minds, it's the *futility* of his inventions in the face 
 of his fate."
-- Ian Shoales, Social Critic and Bitter Loudmouth
%%
"Love may fail, but courtesy will prevail."
-- A Kurt Vonnegut fan
%%
"Love your country but never trust its government."
-- from a hand-painted road sign in central Pennsylvania
%%
"Loyalty to petrified opinion never broke a chain or freed a human soul."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser."
-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
%%
"Lying lips are abomination to the Lord; but they that deal truly are his 
 delight.
 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto
 him.
 Be not a witness against thy neighbor without cause; and deceive not with 
 thy lips.
 Death and life are in the power of the tongue."
-- Proverbs, some selections from the Jewish Scripture
%%
MS-DOS must die!
%%
"MTV.  An obedient tongue licking the shiny leather boot of rock and roll."
-- MTV commercial
%%
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.
-- Alan Turing
%%
"Maintain an awareness for contribution -- to your schedule, your project, 
 our company."  
-- A Group of Employees
%%
Make money, not war.
-- slogan popular in libertarian circles in the early 70s
%%
"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
-- D. B. Hudson
%%
Malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to Man.
%%
"Mamma, don't let your babies grow up to be hackers."
-- Willie Nelson, with a little help from Bill Mathews
%%
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick
 himself up and carry on..."
- Winston Churchill
%%
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
-- Dave Platt
%%
Many alligators will be slain,
but the swamp will remain.
%%
Many are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing.
%%
Many are called, few volunteer.
%%
"Many are the wonders of the Universe, 
 and none so wonderful as Mankind!"
-- Sophocles
%%
Marriage Ceremony:  An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the 
law being dragged into the affairs of your family.
-- O. C. Ogilvie
%%
Marriage is a three ring circus:  The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and
the suffering.
%%
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and 
 those inside desperate to get out."
-- Montaigne
%%
"Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it."
-- Baskins
%%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire
%%
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
%%
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is 
the triumph of hope over experience.
%%
" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability"
- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"Master, why is the letter 'i' the symbol for current?"  "Because there is
 no letter 'i' in the word 'current'."  "Master, why do we use the letter
 'j' for sqrt(-1)?"  "Because we use the letter 'i' for current."  Whereupon
 the Master struck the Disciple, and the Disciple became enlightened.
%%
   "Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulder,
    Computer Scientists stand on each other's toes."
-- someone on the net (please email attribution), about look&feel lawsuits
%%
Mature software:  code old enough that for every bug fixed, one or more new
bugs are created.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
Mausoleum:  The final and funniest folly of the rich.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
"May the Lord open your eyes and heart so that you may understand him more
 clearer."  
-- Patrick Harubin, pgh@cs.duke.edu, soc.religion.islam
%%
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
-- George Carlin
%%
"May your future be limited only by your dreams."
-- Christa McAuliffe
%%
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the 
wrong direction.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
"Maybe life is a grindstone; whether it polishes you or wears you down
 depends on what you're made of."
-- Kay Fletcher
%%
"Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa; yeah, right.  To paraphrase, 
 the net finds its own uses for garbage."
-- Eric Hughes (hughes@math.berkeley.edu)
%%
"Meanwhile, let it be clear what we do: we fight contraception-sterilization-
 abortion on six continents..."
-- Fr. Paul Marx, President, Human Life International, in his brochure,
    Human Life International Explained, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking
    For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
Meekness:  Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
"Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes... and bring a cattle prod!"
-- Woody Allen's "What's Up Tiger Lily"
%%
Memories of you remind me of you.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"Memory serves wise commanders."
-- Tz'u-hsi, 638 AD
%%
Memory: what wonders it performs in preserving and storing up things gone by
or rather, things that are!
-- Plutarch
%%
Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
and tears.  ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires
us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us sleeplessness,
inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness and acts that are
contrary to habit...
-- Hippocrates (c. 460-c. 377 B.C.), The Sacred Disease
%%
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of
Casablanca.
%%
Mike's Law:
For a lumber company employing two men and a cut-off saw, the
marginal product of labor for any number of additional workers
equals zero until the acquisition of another cut-off saw.
Let's not even consider a chainsaw.
- Mike Dennison
[You could always schedule the saw, though - ed.]
%%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
%%
"Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves
 on a rainy Sunday afternoon."
-- D. P. Barron
%%
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some
 sheep's testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."
-- Ripping Yarns
%%
Mind your own business, Mr. Spock.  I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
%%
"Mine!  Mine!  It's all mine!"
-- D. Duck
%%
Miniscribe's troubles are daunting.  The company has floundered in its attempt
to settle 13 shareholder lawsuits, filed after a panel found that previous
managers circumvented financial controls and resorted to shipping bricks and
unfinished drives to shore up sagging revenue figures.
-- "Miniscribe Prognosis Is Hopeful," E. E. Times, Jan 15, 1990, pg 67
%%
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
-- Jean Cocteau
%%
Modern biology has been built upon two great ideas.  The first, a product of
the nineteenth century, is that all life descended from elementary, single-
celled organisms by means of natural selection.  The second, perfected
in the twentieth century, is that organisms are entirely obedient to the laws
of physics and chemistry.  No extraneous "vital force" runs the living cell.
-- Edward O. Wilson, "Biophilia"
%%
Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and
neural function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely
caused by the other.  There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick
a finger into the brain now and then and make neural cells do what
they would not otherwise.  Actually, of course, this is a working
assumption only....It is quite conceivable that someday the assumption
will have to be rejected.  But it is important also to see that we
have not reached that day yet: the working assumption is a necessary
one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.  Our failure to solve
a problem so far does not make it insoluble.  One cannot logically be
a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
-- D. O. Hebb, Organization of Behavior:  A Neuropsychological Theory, 1949
%%
"Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions are all based upon that large defect
 in your race -- the individual's distrust of his neighbor, and his desire, for
 safety's or comfort's sake, to stand well in his neighbor's eye.  These
 institutions will always remain, and always flourish, and always oppress you,
 affront you, and degrade you, because you will always be and remain slaves of
 minorities.  There was never a country where the majority of people were in
 their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions."
-- Mark Twain, _The Mysterious Stranger_
%%
"Money is the root of all money."
-- the moving finger
%%
Money talks...but all mine keeps saying is "goodbye"
%%
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."
-- H. G. Wells
%%
"Morality is one thing.  Ratings are everything."
- A Network 23 executive on "Max Headroom"
%%
"More software projects have gone awry for lack of calendar time than for all
 other causes combined."
-- Fred Brooks, Jr., _The Mythical Man Month_
%%
Moreover, freedom of the press includes "the right of the lonely
pamphleteer who uses carbon paper or a mimeograph as much as of the
large metropolitan publisher who utilizes the latest photocomposition
methods."  Branzburg v. Hayes, 408 U.S. 665, 704 (1972).
-- Supreme Court decision quoted by Mike Godwin in comp.org.eff.talk
%%
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
Most non-Catholics know that the Catholic schools are rendering a greater
service to our nation than the public schools in which subversive textbooks
have been used, in which Communist-minded teachers have taught, and from
whose classrooms Christ and even God Himself are barred.
-- from "Our Sunday Visitor", an American-Catholic newspaper, 1949
%%
"Most of the dogmatic religions have exhibited a perverse talent for taking
 the wrong side on the most important concepts in the material universe,
 from the structure of the solar system to the origin of man."
-- George Gaylord Simpson
%%
"Most of the evils of life arise from man's being unable to sit still in a 
 room."
-- Blaise Pascal
%%
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons 
 for it afterwards."
-- Soren F. Petersen
%%
Most people exhibit what political scientists call "the conservatism of the
peasantry."  Don't lose what you've got.  Don't change.  Don't take a chance,
because you might end up starving to death.  Play it safe.  Buy just as much
as you need.  Don't waste time.

When  we think about risk, human beings and corporations realize in their
heads that risks are necessary to grow, to survive.  But when it comes down
to keeping good people when the crunch comes, or investing money in
something untried, only the brave reach deep into their pockets and play
the game as it must be played.

-- David Lammers, "Yakitori", Electronic Engineering Times, January 18, 1988
%%
"Most people would like to be delivered from
 temptation but would like it to keep in touch."
-- Robert Orben
%%
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;
	the population is growing.
%%
Mr. DePree also expects a "tremendous social change" in all workplaces.  "When
I first started working 40 years ago, a factory supervisor was focused on the
product.  Today it is drastically different, because of the social milieu.
It isn't unusual for a worker to arrive on his shift and have some family
problem that he doesn't know how to resolve.  The example I like to use is a
guy who comes in and says 'this isn't going to be a good day for me, my son
is in jail on a drunk-driving charge and I don't know how to raise bail.'
What that means is that if the supervisor wants productivity, he has to know
how to raise bail."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%%
Mr. DePree believes participative capitalism is the wave of the future.  The
U.S. work force, he believes, "more and more demands to be included in the
capitalist system and if we don't find ways to get the capitalist system
to be an inclusive system rather than the exclusive system it has been, we're
all in deep trouble.  If we don't find ways to begin to understand that 
capitalism's highest potential lies in the common good, not in the individual
good, then we're risking the system itself."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%%
"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk."
-- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_
%%
"Mr. Watson, come here, I want you."   -- Alexander Graham Bell
%%
"My God, Thiokol, when do you want me to launch?  Next April?" 
-- L. Mulloy
%%
My aura can beat up your aura.
%%
My boss just told the quote-of-the-day(TM) after talking to our
friendly IBM salesguy who said:

     "You've got be careful about getting locked into open systems."

Heh!  Why don't I trust these people? :-)
--  Ian Dickinson (cudep@warwick.ac.uk)
%%
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of
the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
-- Steven Wright
%%
My computer can beat up your computer.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"'My country right or wrong' is like saying, 'My mother drunk or sober.'" 
-- G. K. Chesterton
%%
My father had the spirit and integrity of a scientist, but he was a salesman.
I remember asking him the question "How can a man of integrity be a salesman?"

He said to me, "Frankly, many salesmen in the business are not 
straightforward -- they think it's a better way to sell.  But I've tried being 
straightforward, and I find it has its advantages.  In fact, I wouldn't do it 
any other way.  If the customer thinks at all, he'll realize he has had some 
bad experience with another salesman, but hasn't had that kind of experience 
with you.  So in the end, several customers will stay with you for a long time 
and appreciate it."
-- Richard P. Feynman, _What Do You Care What Other People Think?_
%%
"My father was an amazing man.  The older I got, the smarter he got."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"My father?  My father left when I was quite young.  Well actually, he
 was asked to leave.  He had trouble metabolizing alcohol."
-- George Carlin
%%
"My goal is simple.  It is complete understanding of the universe, why it
 is as it is and why it exists at all."
 -- Stephen Hawking
%%
"My grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn."
-- Louis Adamic
%%
"My head is bloodied, but unbowed."
-- From the poem "Invictus"
%%
My mother is a fish.
-- William Faulkner
%%
My other computer is also a Unix system.
%%
"My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable.... We should be reluctant
 to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we
 do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not we grapple
 with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, slow march
 of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point from which we
 can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny 
 our history, our capabilities."
-- James A. Michener
%%
"My past is my own."
-- The Shadow (DC Comics)
%%
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!"
    "Oh, my God... You've.. You've turned him into a DEMOCRAT!"
-- Doonesbury
%%
"NASA Announces New Deck Chair Arrangement For Space Station Titanic."
-- Tom Neff
%%
"NASA Awards Acronym Generation System (AGS) Contract For Space Station
 Freedom"
-- Tom Neff
%%
NOWPRINT. NOWPRINT. Clemclone, back to the shadows again.
-- The Firesign Theater
%%
"Nat Goldstein and Jim Simmons in Florida, Curtis Beseda out west who has
 destroyed abortion clinics, these men are looked up to by my arm of the
 movement as the foremost heroes of the movement ...."
-- James J. Condit, Jr., Cincinnatus Party's perennial candidate for city
    council, "Mike Cuthbert Show," WCKY_AM, 1/22/87, as quoted in "The Far
    Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
Natural selection won't matter soon, not anywhere as much as conscious 
selection.  We will civilize and alter ourselves to suit our ideas of what we 
can be.  Within one more human lifespan, we will have changed ourselves 
unrecognizably.
-- Greg Bear
%%
"Nature is very un-American.  Nature never hurries."
-- William George Jordan
%%
"Nature loves a vacuum.  Digital doesn't." 
-- DEC sales letter
%%
"Neighbors!!  We got neighbors!  We ain't supposed to have any neighbors, and
 I just had to shoot one."
-- Post Bros. Comics
%%
"Neuro-linguistic programming is simply the zig-zag and swirl of menorgs and
 disorgs acting under the suction and pressure of the morphogenetic field."
-- Clark Brooks (clark@cataract.caltech.edu)
%%
"Neurotic: Self-taut person."
-- Author Unknown
%%
"Never ascribe to malice that which is caused by greed and ignorance."
-- Cal Keegan
%%
"Never counsel for contraception or refer to agencies making contraceptives
 available.  Some volunteers may feel that it is the lesser of two evils,
 reasoning that if the girl is going to be sexually active anyway, why not
 at least help her from getting pregnant with contraceptives.  This type of
 thinking is not only inaccurate but unacceptable and against the general
 pro-life philosophy, and Christian principles."
-- Robert J. Pearson, President, The Pearson Foundation, in his guidebook,
    _How to Start and Operate a Pro-Life Out-Reach Pregnancy Service Center",
    1984, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned
    Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning."
-- Marlo Thomas
%%
"Never give a statist an even break.  The State has never given us one."
-- Andre Marrou
%%
"Never give in.  Never give in.  Never. Never. Never."
-- Winston Churchill
%%
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
-- Billy Rose
%%
"Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!" he said to himself, and it 
 became a favourite saying of his later, and passed into a proverb. "You
 aren't nearly through this adventure yet," he added, and that was pretty
 true as well.
-- Bilbo Baggins, _The Hobbit_ by J.R.R. Tolkien, Chapter XII
%%
"Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time."
-- David Gries, in "Compiler Construction for Digital Computers", circa 1969.
%%
"Never try to catch two frogs with one hand."
-- Chinese Proverb
%%
New York is a jungle, they tell you.  You could go further, and say that
New York is a jungle.  New York *is a jungle.*  Beneath the columns of
the old rain forest, made of melting macadam, the mean Limpopo of swamped 
Ninth Avenue bears an angry argosy of crocs and dragons, tiger fish, noise
machines, sweating rainmakers.  On the corners stand witchdoctors and
headhunters, babbling voodoo-men -- the natives, the jungle-smart natives.
And at night, under the equatorial overgrowth and heat-holding cloud
cover, you hear the ragged parrot-hoot and monkeysqueak of the sirens,
and then fires flower to ward off monsters.  Careful: the streets are
sprung with pits and nets and traps.  Hire a guide.  Pack your snakebite
gook and your blowdart serum.  Take it seriously.  You have to get a
bit jungle-wise.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%%
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
-- David Letterman
%%
"New and stirring things are belittled because if they are not belittled, the
 humiliating question arises, 'Why then are you not taking part in them?'"
-- H. G. Wells
%%
Newton realized that, according to his theory of gravity, the stars should 
attract each other, so it seemed they could not remain essentially motionless.
Would they not all fall together at some point?  In a letter in 1691 to 
Richard Bentley, another leading thinker of his day, Newton argued that this
would indeed happen if there were only a finite number of stars distributed 
over a finite region of space.  But he reasoned that if, on the other hand,
there were an infinite number of stars, distributed more or less uniformly
over infinite space, this would not happen, because there would not be 
any central point for them to fall to.

This argument is an instance of the pitfalls that you can encounter in
talking about infinity...

-- Stephen Hawking, _A Brief History of Time_
%%
  Next we had Egyptian wars, Greek wars, Roman wars, hideous
drenchings of the earth with blood; and we saw the treacheries of the
Romans toward the Carthaginians, and the sickening spectacle of the
massacre of those brave people.  Also we saw Caesar invade Britain --
"not that those barbarians had done him any harm, but because he
wanted their land, and desired to confer the blessings of civilization
upon their widows and orphans," as Satan explained.
  Next, Christianity was born.  Then ages of Europe passed in review
before us, and we saw Christianity and Civilization march hand in hand
through those ages, "leaving famine and death and desolation in their
wake, and other signs of the progress of the human race," as Satan
observed.
  And always we had wars, and more wars, and still other wars -- all
over Europe, all over the world.  "Sometimes in the private interest
of royal families," Satan said, "sometimes to crush a weak nation; but
never a war started by the aggressor for any clean purpose -- there is
no such war in the history of the race."
  "Now," said Satan, "you have seen your progress down to the present,
and you must confess that it is wonderful -- in its way.  We must now
exhibit the future."
  He showed us slaughters more terrible in their destruction of life,
more devastating in their engines of war, than any we had seen.
  "You perceive," he said, "that you have made continual progress.
Cain did his murder with a club; the Hebrews did their murders with
javelins and swords; the Greeks and Romans added protective armor and
the fine arts of military organization and generalship; the Christian
has added guns and gunpowder; a few centuries from now he will have so
greatly improved the deadly effectiveness of his weapons of slaughter
that all men will confess that without Christian civilization war must
have remained a poor and trifling thing to the end of time."
-- Mark Twain, _The Mysterious Stranger_
%%
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.  
 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again."
-- Woody Allen's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters"
%%
	Nihil tam absurde dici potest, quod non dicatur ab aliquo pilosophorum.
(Nothing so absurd can be said, that some philosopher has not said it.)
-- Cicero
%%
"Nine years of ballet, asshole."
-- Shelly Long, to the bad guy after making a jump over a gorge that he
   couldn't quite, in "Outrageous Fortune"
%%
"Ninety percent of baseball is half mental."
-- Yogi Berra
%%
No good deed goes unpunished.
%%
"No man is an island entire of itself.  Every man is a part of the continent, 
 a piece of the whole...if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the 
 less.  Any man's death diminishes me because I'm involved in mankind.
 Therefore, never send to know for whom the bell TOLLS, it tolls for thee."
-- John Donne
%%
"No man steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river, and he's 
 not the same man."
-- Heraclitus
%%
"No man was ever taken to hell by a woman unless he already had a ticket in 
 his pocket, or at least had been fooling around with timetables."
 -- Archie Goodwin   
%%
"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the Legislature is in 
 session."
-- Lysander Spooner
%%
No matter how much money you spend, you can't make a racehorse out of a
pig.  You can, however, make an awfully fast pig.
%%
"No matter what temptation there is after an accident to be economical with
 the truth when rationalising it with hindsight, please remember it would be
 unforgivable if, by not revealing the facts or the complete truth, a similar
 incident became an unavoidable accident."
-- Captain Colin Seaman, British Aerospace's head of safety
%%
"No matter where you go, there you are..."
-- Buckaroo Banzai
%%
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
%%
"No one can forbid us the future."
-- Inscription on the base of Paris's monument to Leon Gambetta
%%
No one is fit to be trusted with power. ... No one. ... Any man who has lived
at all knows the follies and wickedness he's capable of. ... And if he does
know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to
decide a single human fate.
-- C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark
%%
"No one who accepts the sovereignty of truth can be a foot soldier in a party
 or movement.  He will always find himself out of step."
-- Sidney Hook
%%
"No problem is so big that you can't run away from it."
-- Snoopy
%%
No user-serviceable parts inside.  Refer to qualified service personnel.
%%
"No wife of *mine* is doing any dishes.  That's what we had the kid for."
-- from Deathlok comics #1
%%
"No!  We will not die like dogs.  We will fight like lions!"
-- The Three Amigos
%%
"No, it's 'Blessed are the meek.'  I think that's nice, 'cause really they have
 a hell of a time."
-- someone in the crowd in "The Life of Brian"
%%
"No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world.  I just wish 
 it wasn't this one."
-- Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, WATCHMEN 
%%
	No, son, you lose.  'Cause this is a Smith & Wesson I'm holdin'
here, an' a Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
-- Canada Bill Jones
%%
"Nobody but a lawyer can tell legal from illegal, and the lawyers can't
 tell right from wrong...."
-- Larry Niven & Jerry Pournelle, _Oath of Fealty_
%%
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
%%
"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could
 only do a little."
-- Edmund Burke
%%
Noncombatant:  A dead Quaker.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
None love the bearer of bad news.
-- Sophocles
%%
"None of our men are "experts."  We have most unfortunately found it
 necessary to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert
 -- because no one ever considers himself expert if he really knows
 his job.  A man who knows a job sees so much more to be done than he
 has done, that he is always pressing forward and never gives up an
 instant of thought to how good and how efficient he is.  Thinking
 always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a state of
 mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible."
-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work," p. 86 (1922):
%%
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"Note and initial":  Let's spread the responsibility of this.
-- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
"Nothing can stop him.  Not even common sense." 
-- Mark Komarinski
%%
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is
no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
-- John Keats
%%
Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan.  We may as well think of
rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant.  -- Edmund Burke
%%
Nothing is done until nothing is done.
%%
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult
than to understand him.
-- Fyodor Dostoevski
%%
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
-- Hassan I Sabbah
%%
"Nothing, not love, not greed, not passion or hatred, is stronger than a
 writer's need to change another writer's copy."
-- Arthur Evans
%%
"Now I know why they call television a medium: because nothing on it is rare 
 or well-done."
-- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
%%
Now I lay me down to sheep
I pray the Lord the sheep's asleep
If, perchance, the sheep should wake
Simple friendship shall I fake.
-- Frances Grimble
%%
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hear the sirens in the street
All my dreams are made of chrome
I have no way to get back home
-- Tom Waits
%%
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
%%
Now I was heading, in my hot cage, down towards meat-market country on the
tip of the West Village.  Here the redbrick warehouses double as carcass
galleries and rat hives, the Manhattan fauna seeking its necessary
level, living or dead.  Here too you find the heavy faggot hangouts,
The Spike, the Water Closet, the Mother Load.  Nobody knows what goes on
in these places.  Only the heavy faggots know.  Even Fielding seems somewhat 
vague on the question.  You get zapped and flogged and dumped on -- by
almost anybody's standards, you have a really terrible time.  The average
patron arrives at the Spike in one taxi but needs to go back to his sock
in two.  And then the next night he shows up for more.  They shackle 
themselves to racks, they bask in urinals.  Their folks have a lot of
explaining to do, if you want my opinion, particularly the mums.  Sorry
to single you ladies out like this but the story must start somewhere.  
A craving for hourly murder -- it can't be willed.  In the meantime,
Fielding tells me, Mother Nature looks on and taps her foot and clicks
her tongue.  Always a champion of monogamy, she is cooking up some fancy
new diseases.  She just isn't going to stand for it.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%%
"Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun.  And when it 
 disintegrates, it disintegrates.  (pulls trigger)  Well, what you do know, 
 it disintegrated."
-- Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century
%%
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
%%
"Now bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible -
 yea, and get the better of them."
-- W. Shakespeare, JULIUS CAESAR
%%
"Now here's something you're really going to like!"
-- Rocket J. Squirrel
%%
"Now here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the
 same place.  If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least
 twice as fast as that."
-- the Red Queen, from "Through the Looking Glass" (Lewis Carroll)
%%
Now, if the leaders of the world -- people who are leaders by virtue of 
political, military or financial power, and not necessarily wisdom or
consideration for mankind -- if these leaders manage not to pull us
over the brink into planetary suicide, despite their occasional pompous
suggestions that they may feel obliged to do so, we may survive beyond
1988.  
-- George Rostky, EE Times, June 20, 1988 p. 45
%%
"Now, more than ever, it is evident that `good taste' only refers to that
 which reinforces the status quo." 
-- Andre Peret
%%
"Now, telephone companies are not stupid, at least for large values of
 'stupid'."
-- Michael O'Brien (Mr. Protocol)
%%
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
- Ted Turner
%%
OLTION'S COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE
Bang!      ...crumple.
-- Jery Oltion
%%
OS/2 must die!
%%
"Obedience.  A religion of slaves.  A religion of intellectual death.  I like
 it.  Don't ask questions, don't think, obey the Word of the Lord -- as it
 has been conveniently brought to you by a man in a Rolls with a heavy Rolex
 on his wrist.  I like that job!  Where can I sign up?"
-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU
%%
Objects in your terminal are close than they appear.
%%
"Observe that for the programmer, as for the chef, the urgency of the patron
 may govern the scheduled completion of the task, but it cannot govern the
 actual completion.  An omelette, promised in two minutes, may appear to be
 progressing nicely.  But when it has not set in two minutes, the customer
 has two choices -- wait or eat it raw.  Software customers have had the
 same choices."
-- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr, _The Mythical Man-Month_
%%
Obviously, a man's judgment cannot be better than the information on which he
has based it.  Give him the truth and he may still go wrong when he has
the chance to be right, but give him no news or present him only with distorted
and incomplete data, with ignorant, sloppy or biased reporting, with propaganda
and deliberate falsehoods, and you destroy his whole reasoning processes, and
make him something less than a man.
-- Arthur Hays Sulzberger
%%
"Occupational regulation has served to limit consumer choice, raise
 consumer costs, increase practitioner income, limit practitioner
 mobility, deprive the poor of adequate service, and restrict job
 opportunities for minorities -- all without a demonstrated improvement
 in quality or safety." ...

"Critics of this hypothesis believe to the contrary, however, that
 regulators' and professional groups' self-interest has been and still
 is the primary motivator of regulatory legislation.  And indeed the
 evidence shows that consumers rarely engage in campaigns to license
 occupations.  If the purpose of licensing were to improve the quality
 of service, one would expect consumers, who might be the prime beneficiaries,
 to promote licensure, but licensing is systematically promoted by
 practitioners ..."

-- The Rule of Experts - Occupational Licensing in America.  By S. David
    Young.  Cato Institute, 1987.  ISBN 0-932790-62-3 (paper).  99 pages.
    (Quoted by Tony Harminc <TONY@vm1.mcgill.ca> in comp.risks)
%%
Ocean:  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man --
who has no gills.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
"Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst."
-- Thomas Paine
%%
"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power tools
 aren't soluble in alcohol..."
-- Crazy Nigel
%%
"Of course the US Constitution isn't perfect; but it's a lot better than what
 we have now."
-- Eric Sheppard (ce1zzes@prism.gatech.EDU)
%%
"Of course, someone who knows more about this will correct me if I'm wrong,
 and someone who knows less will correct me if I'm right."
-- David Palmer (palmer@tybalt.caltech.edu)
%%
"Of course, this is a, this is a Hunt, you will -- that will uncover a
 lot of things.  You open that scab, there's a hell of a lot of things...
 This involves these Cubans, Hunt, and a lot of hanky-panky that we have
 nothing to do with ourselves." 
-- Richard Milhouse Nixon, 6/23/72
%%
Of course, you're probably going to say it does in your ``analysis'' of
public-key systems, because you'll do anything to make RSA look better
than it really is.  Have fun making a fool of yourself.
-- Dan Bernstein (brnstnd@kramden.acf.nyu.edu), in sci.crypt
%%
"Of what importance is mere money - 
 when there are worlds to be conquered - 
 people to be enslaved?"
-- Doctor Doom
%%
"Oh God ... I'm *shot* ... Hey ... *wait* a second ... I'm
 *okay* ... Wow!  This is *cool!  Bullets don't hurt me!"
-- Superboy,  #2 of SUPERBOY THE COMIC BOOK (based on the TV series)
%%
"Oh beautiful, for smoggy skies, o'er insecticide waves of grain, and
 strip-mined mountain's majesty, above the asphalt plains!  America,
 America, man sheds his waste on thee!  And hides the pines, with
 billboard signs, from sea to oily sea!"
-- George Carlin (?)
%%
"Oh boy, virtual memory! Now I'm gonna make myself a REALLY BIG ram disk!"
-- lennox@shire.hw.stratus.com
%%
"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again."
-- Marvin The Paranoid Android
%%
"Oh dear, now I've made a terrible mess of things.  And all I wanted to do was 
 rule the universe."
-- Dr. Zachary Smith  
%%
Oh hell.  Six bells and all's well.  Another week in my little gray cell.
Another week in which to excel.  Oh hell, sir.
-- A West Point Cadet's answer to, "What's the Sunday night poop?"
%%
"Oh honey, this is just the beginning.  Stick with me and we'll claw our way
 to the top."
-- John Water's "Hairspray"
%%
"Oh my!  An `inflammatory attitude' in alt.flame?  Never heard of such
 a thing..."
-- Allen Gwinn, allen@sulaco.Sigma.COM
%%
Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practice to deceive!
-- Sir Walter Scott
%%
"Oh what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face..."
-- a prisoner in "Life of Brian"
%%
"Oh yeah, laugh now!  But when the millions start pouring in, I'll be the one
 at Burger King, sucking down Whoppers at my own private table!"
-- Al Bundy
%%
"Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked
 myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
-- Groucho Marx, "Monkey Business"
%%
"Okay," Bobby said, getting the hang of it, "then what's the matrix?  If
 she's a deck, and Danbala's a program, what's cyberspace?"
  "The world," Lucas said.
-- William Gibson, _Count Zero_
%%
"Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time."
-- a coffee cup
%%
"Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do."
-- Anon
%%
  On Krat's main screen appeared the holo image of a man, and several dolphins.
From the man's shape, Krat could tell it was a female, probably their leader.
  "...stupid creatures unworthy of the name `sophonts.'  Foolish, pre-sentient
upspring of errant masters.  We slip away from all your armed might, laughing
at your clumsiness!  We slip away as we always will, you pathetic creatures.
And now that we have a real head start, you'll never catch us!  What better
proof that the Progenitors favor not you, but us!  What better proof..."
  The taunt went on.  Krat listened, enraged, yet at the same time savoring
the artistry of it.  These men are better than I'd thought.  Their insults
are wordy and overblown, but they have talent.  They deserve honorable, slow
deaths.
- David Brin, _Startide Rising_
%%
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
%%
	On his was back to the lobby, his cigarettes forgotten,
he had to walk the length of the ranked phones.  Each rang in turn,
but only once, as he passed.
-- William Gibson, "Neuromancer"
%%
On our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective software
tool, but an agent of technical and social change within the University.
-- John Lions (U. of Toronto (?))
%%
On the contrary!  A recent study in which microprocessors were implanted in 
rhesus monkey brains via satellite shows clearly that...
-- Manhattan Chess Club Regulars
%%
"On the market, there can be no such thing as exploitation."
-- Murray Rothbard
%%
On the subject of C program indentation:
"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented
 six feet downward and covered with dirt."
-- Blair P. Houghton
%%
``On this point we want to be perfectly clear: socialism has nothing to do
  with equalizing.  Socialism cannot ensure conditions of life and 
  consumption in accordance with the principle "From each according to his 
  ability, to each according to his needs."  This will be under communism.
  Socialism has a different criterion for distributing social benefits:
  "From each according to his ability, to each according to his work."''
-- Mikhail Gorbachev, _Perestroika_
%%
"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. 
 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
 come out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas 
 that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage
%%
On weightlifting: "Picking up something heavy and then putting it back 
down?  That's not sport, that's indecision."
-- Paula Poundstone    
%%
"Once I was a tadpole, in the beginning of the begin;
 Then I was a toadfrog with my tail tucked in.
 Then I was a monkey in a banyan tree;
 Now I'm a professor with a Ph.D."
--Anonymous creationist's view of evolution
%%
"Once a ruler becomes religious, it [becomes] impossible for you to debate with
 him.  Once someone rules in the name of religion, your lives become hell."
-- Colonel Moammar Qaddafi, at the General People's Congress in Tripoli
   in October, 1989
%%
``Once again, we see that interesting correlation between saying "Blessed Be!"
 and being an idiot.''
-- Gene W. Smith, gsmith@garnet.berkeley.edu
%%
Once at a dinner party when he was a young man, Winston Churchill, who
at the time had a moustache, was seated next to an older woman.   She
said to him, "Young man, I care neither for your politics nor for
your moustache."

He reassured here, "You are as unlikely to come into contact with the
one as with the other."
%%
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that 
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied, 
"That all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your 
mistress."
%%
"Once contraception is accepted and the purposes of sex are separated from
 procreation and marriage, sterilization and abortion become acceptable, and
 then infanticide, the precursor of outright euthanasia.  Furthermore,
 homosexuality and unnatural sexual activities become `natural and normal,'
 the venereal diseases get out of control, divorce and illegitimacy rates
 mount, and the family swiftly disintegrates."
-- Valerie Riches, Family Planning Educator, in her brochure,
    Contraception's Legacy, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For
    Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 
 roars.  Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
 the railroad yards."
- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters
  of Tennessee's anti-evolution law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
%%
"Once lead the American people into war, and they'll forget there ever was such
 a thing as tolerance.  To fight you must be brutal and ruthless, and the
 spirit of ruthless brutality will enter into every fiber of our national
 life ..."
-- President Woodrow Wilson
%%
"Once they go up, who cares where they come down?  That's not my department."
-- Werner von Braun
%%
"Once you've had real champagne, you can never go back to Asti Spimanti."
-- Georgette Lundberg
%%
"One becomes a critic when one cannot be an artist, just as a man becomes a
 stool pigeon when he cannot be a soldier."
-- Gustave Flaubert (letter to Madame Louise Colet, August 12, 1846)
%%
"One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe."
-- Tom Anderson
%%
One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner
alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic.
   "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, is
 published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship.
 Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century.
 Do you think that fair criticism?"
   "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did not
occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it."
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
a rivalry of aim.
-- Henry Brook Adams
%%
"One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns."
-- The Godfather
%%
"One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work
 of one extraordinary man."
-- Elbert Hubbard

....yet.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"One man's Mede is another man's Persian."
-- A member of the Algonquin Round Table
%%
"One man's mate is another man's passion."
-- Jeff Daiell's description of adultery
%%
One may be able to quibble about the quality of a single experiment, or
about the veracity of a given experimenter, but, taking all the supportive
experiments together, the weight of evidence is so strong as readily to
merit a wise man's reflection.
-- Professor William Tiller, parapsychologist, Standford University,
    commenting on psi research
%%
"One more drink and I would have been under the host."
-- Dorothy Parker
%%
One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship
with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be
stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid
because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do
it for him, pretending to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact
that he actually didn't understand hat was going on, and really being
genuinely stupid.  He was renowned for being quite clever and quite
clearly was so -- but not all the time, which obviously worried him,
hence the act.  He preferred people to be puzzled rather than
contemptuous.  This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely
stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
-- Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
%%
"One of the most devastating enemies of the family is radical sex education
 in the public school.  It is more explicit than necessary for the good of
 the child.  Too much sex education too soon causes undue curiosity and
 obsession with sex."
-- Beverly LaHaye, President, Concerned Women for America, in her newsletter,
    4/81, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned
    Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"One of the problems I've always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they're 
 real boring to look at.  They're just badly designed.  People from the left
 often are very well-intended, but they never had time to take basic design 
 classes, you know?"
-- Art Spiegelman
%%
One of the saddest lessons of history is this:  If we've been bamboozled
long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle.  We're no
longer interested in finding out the truth.  The bamboozle has captured
us.  it is simply too painful to acknowledge -- even to ourselves -- that
we've been so credulous.  (So the old bamboozles tend to persist as the
new bamboozles rise.)
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987
%%
"One of us should bust in and confuse them while _I_
 head them off around front."
-- Sam
%%
One of your cookies is the Pledge of Allegiance by that
Socialist scamp, Francis Bellamy.
It should read, for those wishing to recite it:

I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to The Union for which it stands,
with liberty
and justice for all.

-- Jeff Daiell
%%
"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
 terror."
-- W. K. Hartmann
%%
"One time I removed all the hair from a mouse with Nair hair remover,
 just to see what it looked like.  And it looked beautiful."
-- David Lynch 
%%
One time as manager, Casey Stengel was sitting next to Mickey Mantle.
He mentioned playing in  Yankee Stadium, and Mantle expressed
surprise.  Stengel asked, "You think I was *born* sixty years old?"
%%
"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not
 make the simple next step of supporting multitasking."
-- Calvin Keegan
%%
"Only a brave person is willing honestly to admit, and fearlessly to face, what
 a sincere and logical mind discovers."
-- Rodan of Alexandria
%%
"Only a mediocre man is always at his best."
-- W. Somerset Maugham
%%
"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core."
-- Hannah Arendt.
%%
"Open Channel D..."
-- Napoleon Solo, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
%%
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL."
-- Dave Bowman, 2001
%%
Operating-system software is the program that orchestrates all the basic
functions of a computer.
-- The Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, September 15, 1987, page 40
%%
"Opinions are like assholes:
 Everybody has one and nobody wants to look at the other guy's."
-- Jeff Stout
%%
"Optimization is not some mystical state of grace, it is an intricate act
 of human labor which carries real costs and real risks." 
 -- Tom Neff
%%
"Organized Religion is like Organized Crime; it preys on peoples' weakness,
 generates huge profits for its operators, and is almost impossible
 to eradicate."
-- Mike Hermann (hermann@cs.ubc.ca)
%%
"Our Constitution ... gives to bigotry no sanction."
-- George Washington
%%
Our business is run on trust.  We trust you will pay in advance.
%%
Our educational systems may very well be on the threshold of a new and
even gloomier Dark Age of the 20th and 21st centuries, unless the anti-
intellectualism and confused thinking creationists produce is overcome."
-- Reverend James Skehan
%%
"Our journey toward the stars has progressed swiftly.

In 1926 Robert H. Goddard launched the first liquid-propelled rocket,
achieving an altitude of 41 feet.  In 1962 John Glenn orbited the earth.

In 1969, only 66 years after Orville Wright flew two feet off the ground
for 12 seconds, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and I rocketed to the moon
in Apollo 11."
-- Michael Collins
   Former astronaut and past Director of the National Air and Space Museum
%%
"Our journeys to the stars will be made on spaceships created by
 determined, hardworking scientists and engineers applying the
 principles of science, not aboard flying saucers piloted by little
 gray aliens from some other dimension."
-- Robert A. Baker, "The Aliens Among Us:  Hypnotic Regression Revisited",
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2
%%
"Our liberty depends upon the freedom of the press, and that cannot be
 limited without being lost."
-- Thomas Jefferson (1786)
%%
"Our reruns are better than theirs."
-- Nick at Nite
%%
Our schizophrenic societies progress by knowledge but survive on inspiration
derived from the very beliefs which that knowledge erodes.  I suggest that the
paradox can be at least intellectually resolved, not all at once but eventually
and with consequences difficult to perfect, if we pay due attention to the
sociobiology of religion. Although the manifestations of the religious
experiences are resplendent and multidimensional and so complicated that the
finest of psychoanalyst and philosophers get lost in their labyrinth, I
believe that religious practices can be mapped onto the two dimensions of
genetic advantage and evolutionary change.
-- Edward O. Wilson, "On Human Nature"
%%
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." -- Alex Schure
%%
"Out of register space (ugh)"
-- vi
%%
Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had become socially 
correct for girls.
-- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities"
%%
Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
complementary directions:  to reduce the number of software errors through
rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the
remaining errors by providing for recovery from them.  An interesting footnote
to this design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be
the result of two program errors:  the first, in the program that started the
problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
system.
-- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage Operating
   Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal,
   Vol. 12, No. 4, 1973, pp. 382-400
%%
   POZZO:  He used to dance the farandole, the fling, the brawl, the jig,
	   the fandango and even the hornpipe.  He capered.  For joy.  Now
	   that's the best he can do.  Do you know what he calls it?
ESTRAGON:  The Scapegoat's Agony.
VLADIMIR:  The Hard Stool.
   POZZO:  The Net.  He thinks he's entangled in a net.

-- Samuel Beckett, _Waiting for Godot_
%%
PROGRAMMER:  (n)  Red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with 
             inanimate objects.
%%
"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
-- Author Unknown
%%
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
%%
"Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother
 to say it, oh God, I'm so depressed.  Here's another of those self-satisfied
 doors.  Life!  Don't talk to me about life."
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
%%
Parking fees that Universal Studios collected from picketers of _The Last
Temptation of Christ_: $4,500
-- Harper's Index Nov. 1988
%%
Parkinson's Law:  The vehemence with which an issue is debated
                  is inversely proportional to its importance.
-- Bill Kinnersley
%%
Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to fill the time allotted it.
%%
"Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"Patriotism is an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles."
-- George Jean Nathan
%%
"Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel."
-- Samuel Johnson
%%
"Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious."
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
"Paul Lynde to block..."
-- a contestant on "Hollywood Squares"
%%
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."
-- Karl, as he stepped behind the computer to reboot it, during a FAT, 1982
%%
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."
-- The Wizard Of Oz
%%
"Peace is our profession."
-- Motto of Strategic Air Command

"Peace in our profession.   War is just a hobby."
-- Stationery available in PX, Barksdale SAC AFB
%%
"Pencil cursors are for user-interface weenies."
-- Rob MacLachlan
%%
People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange
surroundings -- they can become accustomed to read Lisp and
Fortran programs, for example.
-- Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press
%%
"People don't form relationships, they take hostages."
-- anon
%%
"People of the same trade seldom meet together, even for merriment or
 diversion, but the conversation ends in a conspiracy against the public,
 or some contrivance to raise prices."
-- Adam Smith, _Wealth of Nations_
%%
"People should have access to the data which you have about them.  There should
 be a process for them to challenge any inaccuracies."
-- Arthur Miller
%%
   "People these days are reluctant to read the canonical texts, but they
love fiction. Not all fiction, mind you, for they are sick of exemplary themes
and far prefer the obscene and fantastic. How low contemporary morals have
sunk! Anyone concerned about public morality will want to retrieve the
situation."
-- Li Yu, in "The Carnal Prayer Mat" c. 1657 A.D.
%%
"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how
 hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
-- Calvin 
%%
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his 
ears.  I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
-- Steven Wright
%%
"People who live in glass houses shouldn't."
-- Author Unknown
%%
"People who use long lines DESERVE to lose."
-- Rob MacLachlan
%%
Percentage of Redbook readers who say they would rather have their
genitals permanently numbed than go deaf: 70
-- Harper's Index
%%
"Perestroika: could it happen here?"
-- Tom Neff
%%
Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.
-- C. N. Parkinson
%%
"Perhaps I am flogging a straw herring in mid-stream, but in the light of
 what is known about the ubiquity of security vulnerabilities, it seems vastly
 too dangerous for university folks to run with their heads in the sand."
-- Peter G. Neumann, RISKS moderator, about the Internet virus
%%
"Perhaps the best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a
 time."
-- Dean Acheson
%%
Perhaps the best way to characterize the relationship between DNA and meaning
is to say that DNA is the source of meaning.  It takes information about the
environment and turns it into behaviour - thus realizing meaning in the
pragmatic sense of the word.  DNA is the place where the two sides of meaning
meet, the place where reports become instructions.  DNA is thus what first
gave meaning to life; or, perhaps, what first created meaning, and therefore
life, or what first created life, and therefore meaning.  In any event, it is
very impressive stuff.
-- Robert Wright, Three Scientists and Their Gods
%%
"Personally, I always held my flower in a clenched fist."
-- Abbie Hoffman
%%
Personally, should I ever form a globe spanning conglomerate,
I intend to do it fairly and without malice or dirty politics.

I hope you fellows don't make that too difficult a task;
I would have to have to have you all killed.
-- David Neal (abbadon@nuchat.uucp)
%%
"Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace
 automation."
-- John Tudor
%%
Philosophy:  A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Philosophy:  unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
%%
Physician:  One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the 
splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope,
for it balks at pig.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die."
- John W. Campbell
%%
Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently
dropped the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag
the physician outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
%%
"Plan to throw one away.  You will anyway."
- Fred Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%%
"Plastic gun.  Ingenious.  More coffee, please."
-- The Phantom comics
%%
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure Ill never find out the
truth.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
"Please refrain from making me puke on my workstation."
-- Alan Weiss (alan@tivoli.UUCP>
%%
"Please spare us all the attempts to get everyone to shorten their
 emotional bandwidth on-line until everyone sounds like a sober
 philosophy major calmly discussing the merits of post neo-realism
 as reflected in modernistic Danish furniture."
-- Chris Neckalson (chrisn@sco.com)
%%
"Poetry, like chastity, can be carried to far."
-- Mark Twain
%%
Pohl's law: 
	 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
%%
"Pok pok pok, P'kok!"
-- Superchicken
%%
Police up your spare rounds and frags.  Don't leave nothin' for the dinks.
-- Willem Dafoe in "Platoon"
%%
Politician:  An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
organized society is reared.  When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of
his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared with the statesman,
he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
"Politics is for the moment.  An equation is for eternity." 
-- Albert Einstein
%%
Politics:  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
"Poor dead, there's nothing between his ears."
-- Margaret Thatcher, about Ronald Reagan, 
	in the 6/2/88 issue of The New York Times
%%
"Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another."
-- Madonna
%%
"Poor man... he was like an employee to me."
-- The police commissioner on "Sledge Hammer" laments the death of his
   bodyguard
%%
"Posting to alt.flame has nothing to do with writing flames."
-- Patricia O Tuama (rissa@attctc.Dallas.TX.US)
%%
Pournelle must die!
%%
Poverty: An unhappy state that persists as long as anyone lacks anything he
 would like to have.
%%
Practice is the best of all instructors.
- Publilius
%%
"Prais'd be the fathomless universe, for life and joy, and for objects and
 knowledge curious."
-- Walt Whitman
%%
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
-- Russian Proverb
%%
Pray:  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single
petitioner confessedly unworthy.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
- Niels Bohr
%%
Presidency:  The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Prevalent beliefs that knowledge can be tapped from previous incarnations or
from a "universal mind" (the repository of all past wisdom and creativity)
not only are implausible but also unfairly demean the stunning achievements
of individual human brains.
- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: Implications for Psi
  Phenomena", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171
%%
"Probably the best operating system in the world is the [operating system]
 made for the PDP-11 by Bell Laboratories." - Ted Nelson, October 1977
%%
"Problems are only opportunities in disguise."
-- Albert North Whitehead
%%
Proboscis:  The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place
of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.  For purposes
of humor it is popularly called a trunk.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Proclaim liberty throughout the land until all the inhabitants thereof.
-- Leviticus 25:10
%%
Professional wrestling:  ballet for the common man.
%%
Program:  Any assignment that cannot be completed with one telephone call.
-- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
"Programmers are expensive.  Hardware is cheap."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"Pseudo-Judeo-Christian horror was no match for genuinely
 hypoglycemic hunger."
   -- Peni R. Griffin, "The Goat Man" (IASFM, 5/89)
%%
"Pseudocode can be used to some extent to aid the maintenance
 process.  However, pseudocode that is highly detailed -
 approaching the level of detail of the code itself - is not of
 much use as maintenance documentation.  Such detailed
 documentation has to be maintained almost as much as the code,
 thus doubling the maintenance burden.  Furthermore, since such
 voluminous pseudocode is too distracting to be kept in the
 listing itself, it must be kept in a separate folder.  The
 result: Since pseudocode - unlike real code - doesn't have to be
 maintained, no one will maintain it.  It will soon become out of
 date and everyone will ignore it.  (Once, I did an informal
 survey of 42 shops that used pseudocode.  Of those 42, 0 [zero!],
 found that it had any value as maintenance documentation."
-- Meilir Page-Jones, _The Practical Guide to Structured
     Design_, Yourdon Press (c) 1988
%%
"Psychoanalysis is the mental illness it purports to cure."
-- Karl Kraus
%%
"Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!"
-- Zippy
%%
"Pull the trigger and you're garbage."
-- Lady Blue
%%
"Pull the wool over your own eyes!"
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
%%
Purple hum
Assorted cars
Laser lights, you bring

All to prove
You're on the move
and vanishing
-- The Cars
%%
"Put all your eggs in one basket, and WATCH THAT BASKET!"
-- Jerry Buchmeyer
%%
Q.  How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A.  Three - one to do it and two to argue whether it's principled to change it.
-- Bill Ware (?)
%%
Q. How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None - the market will take care of it.
-- Bill Ware (?)
%%
Q. What do you call three lawyers up to their necks in quicksand?

A. Not enough quicksand.
%%
Q. What's all wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?

A. Your mother.
%%
Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?

A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
%%
Q:  What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer
    salesman?

A:  The car salesman can probably drive!

-- Joan McGalliard (jem@latcs1.oz.au)
%%
Q: How can I choose what groups to post in?  ...
Q: How about an example?

A: Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from the
Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a
big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.

The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.  He is
a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to
soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)

You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each group.
If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders will
only show the the article to the reader once!  Don't tolerate this.
-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%%
Q: I cant spell worth a dam.  I hope your going too tell me what to do?

A: Don't worry about how your articles look.  Remember it's the message
that counts, not the way it's presented.  Ignore the fact that sloppy
spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that
soiled clothing would when addressing an audience.

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%%
Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What
should I do?

A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on believing
that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably be the only one to
make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No time to lose, so
certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the
correction.

And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're the
only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform
the whole net right away!

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%%
Q: They just announced on the radio that Dan Quayle was picked as the
Republican V.P. candidate.  Should I post?

A: Of course.  The net can reach people in as few as 3 to 5 days.  It's
the perfect way to inform people about such news events long after the
broadcast networks have covered them.  As you are probably the only person
to have heard the news on the radio, be sure to post as soon as you can.

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%%
"Question Authority and the Authorities will question You."
-- Danny Low (dlow%hpspcoi@hplabs.hp.com)
%%
Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi.
(What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.)
%%
Quoting court decisions is not a very useful activity when arguing with
someone who is engaging in their constitutionally protected right to
disagree with those decisions and attempting to change the environment
in which they are made.  You might believe that any legal decision by the
courts is ipso facto correct and moral, but that's not the way most folks
in this country operate.  Look at Roe v. Wade... I happen to agree with
the goals of that decision, but there are a hell of a lot of people who
don't, and they have managed to get it changed, to some extent.  Jeff is
in the same position, and can quite reasonably argue that these statistics
are irrelevant to his position.
-- Peter da Silva (peter@sugar.hackercorp.com)
%%
"R&D is not something that can be useful alone... R&D is part of a product-
 making process."
-- Ralph E. Gomory, Alfred P. Sloan Foundation, New York City
%%
READ UNHAPPY - MAKNAM
-- LISP 1.5
%%
"Rage is a wind that blows out the candle of reason."
-- Author Unknown
%%
"Rage, rage, against the dying of the light!"
-- Dylan Thomas
%%
Ranger is very!
%%
"Reading legal mush can turn your brain to guacamole!" 
-- Amiga ROM Kernel Manual
%%
 Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because 
 OCT 31 == DEC 25 !
-- Andrew Rutherford (andrewr@ucs.adelaide.edu.au)
%%
"Real education must be limited to men who *insist* on knowing.  The rest
 is mere sheep-herding."
-- Ezra Pound
%%
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
-- Confucius
%%
"Real programmers don't bring paper bag lunches.  If the vending machine
 sells it, they eat it.  If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't
 eat it.  Vending machines don't sell quiche."
%%
"Real programmers don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write, it
 should be hard to understand."
%%
"Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Cavemen drew flowcharts, and look
 how much good it did them."
%%
Real wealth can only increase.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
%%
"Reality is not binding on news admins."
-- Cathy Foulston (cathyf@rice.edu)
%%
"Rebellion is like witchcraft. That's what it is, it's like witchcraft."
-- Missouri State Rep. Jean Dixon, on labeling "offensive music". 
	USA Today, March 20, 1990
%%
Refreshed by a brief blackout, I got to my feet and went next door.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%%
Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way
to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage."
%%
"Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at
 speeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph)."
-- 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual.
%%
"Reliable software must kill people reliably."
-- Andy Mickel
%%
"Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will
 fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines."
-- Bertrand Russell
%%
"Remember Kruschev:  he tried to do too many things too fast, and he was 
 removed in disgrace.  If Gorbachev tries to destroy the system or make too
 many fundamental changes to it, I believe the system will get rid of him.
 I am not a political scientist, but I understand the system very well.
 I believe he will have a "heart attack" or retire or be removed.  He is
 up against a brick wall.  If you think they will change everything and
 become a free, open society, forget it!"
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110
%%
"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the 
 one holding it."
-- Captain Combat
%%
Remember thee
Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
In this distracted globe.  Remember thee!
Yea, from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
That youth and observation copied there.
Hamlet, I : v : 95   William Shakespeare
%%
"Remember, IBM has always prided itself on its marketing prowess, and market
 segmentation was an essential part of that.  The last thing IBM wanted to
 do was compete with itself.  But it looks like that kind of thinking isn't
 going to work anymore."
-- An unnamed IBM official, InfoWorld, February 26, 1990, page 1, about
   the unhappiness of the AS/400 group that the System/6000 had an aggressive
   price/performance ratio, and a larger number
%%
"Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom;
Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love;
Love is not music; Music is the best." -- Frank Zappa
%%
Remember, an int is not always 16 bits.  I'm not sure, but if the 80386 is one
step closer to Intel's slugfest with the CPU curve that is asymptotically
approaching a real machine, perhaps an int has been implemented as 32 bits by
some Unix vendors...?
-- Derek Terveer
%%
"Remember, extremism in the nondefense of moderation is not a virtue."
-- Peter Neumann, about usenet
%%
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
-- Frank Zappa
%%
Remember:  Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
-- Dave Butler
%%
Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
-- Indiana University fans' chant for their perennially bad football team
%%
"Resist, expose, or stop immediately every public school or group sex
 education program, no matter what it is called or how it is diffused into
 the curriculum."
-- Fr. Paul Marx, President, Human Life International, in his brochure,
     From Contraception to Abortion, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking
     For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
Resolved, that the 67th General Convention affirm the glorious ability of
God to create in any manner, whether men understand it or not, and in this
affirmation reject the limited insight and rigid dogmatism of the
"Creationist" movement...
-- from a 1982 resolution of the Episcopal Church
%%
Response From: coleman@baleen.cs.ucla.edu (Michael Coleman)
To the question: is there a COBOL mode for GNU emacs:

Isn't it pitiful when the editor you are using is a better programming
environment than the *language* you are using??

BTW, there is a COBOL and a Fortran mode.
%%
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
- "Oh, Lucky Man"
%%
Riches:  A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in whom I
am well pleased."
-- John D. Rockefeller, (slander by Ambrose Bierce)
%%
"Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head
 is concerned."
-- Baseball pitcher Bo Belinsky
%%
"Roman Polanski makes his own blood.  He's smart -- that's why his movies
 work."
-- A brilliant director at "Frank's Place"
%%
"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead."
-- W. Shakespeare, HAMLET
%%
"Roses are red, violets are blue; I'm schizophrenic and so am I."
-- Author Unknown
%%
"S.F.'S NO GOOD!!" They bellow till we're deaf.
 "But this looks good."  "WELL THEN IT'S NOT S.F.!!"
-- Kingsley Amis
%%
"SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!" 
-- Ken Thompson
%%
"Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
-- Rober Reisner

How do they hold the spatula?
-- Stacey Campbell (staceyc@sco.com)
%%
Saint:  A dead sinner revised and edited.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent.
- George Orwell
%%
"Sarcasm: barbed ire."
-- Author Unknown
%%
"Satanic Verses is a despicable book that could not have been written by 
 a person who wished to behave decently and responsibly." 
-- Orson Scott Card, Science Fiction author, Mormon, weenie
%%
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
%%
"Say yur prayers, yuh flea-pickin' varmint!"
-- Yosemite Sam
%%
"Say, isn't that a twenty-story-high Gumby-shaped robot
 approaching at about Mach 8?"
   "What do you know...?  So it is."
%%
"Schemes to subvert the liberties of a great community require time to
 mature them for execution.  An army, so large as seriously to menace
 those liberties, could only be formed by progressive augmentations;
 which would suppose not merely a temporary combination between the
 legislature and the executive, but a continued conspiracy for a series
 of time.  Is it probable that such a combination would exist at all?
 Is it probable that it would be perserved in, and transmitted along
 through all the successive variations in a representative body, which
 biennial elections would naturally produce in both houses?  Is it
 presumable that every man the instant he took his seat in the national
 Senate or House of Representatives would commence a traitor to his
 constituents and to his country?  Can it be supposed that there would
 not be found one man discerning enough to detect so attrocious a
 conspiracy, or bold or honest enough to apprise his constituents of
 their danger?  If such presumptions can fairly be made, there ought
 to be at once an end of all delegated authority."
-- Alexander Hamilton, the Federalist Papers, #26
%%
"Science has proof without any certainty.  Creationists have certainty 
 without any proof."
-- Ashley Montague
%%
"Science is about skepticism."
-- Eugene Miya
%%
"Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it."
-- Aubrey Eben
%%
"Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing."
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, _Computer Language_, Oct 90
%%
"Science makes godlike -- it is all over with priests and gods when man becomes
 scientific.  Moral:  science is the forbidden as such -- it alone is 
 forbidden.  Science is the *first* sin, the *original* sin.  *This alone is
 morality.* ``Thou shalt not know'' -- the rest follows."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
Scientific innovation sometimes sounds like poetry, and I would claim that it
is, at least in the earliest stages.  The ideal scientist can be said to think
like a poet, work like a clerk, and write like a journalist.  
-- Edward O. Wilson, "Biophilia"
%%
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man.
%%
"Security is mostly a superstition.  It does not exist in nature... Life is 
 either a daring adventure or nothing."
-- Helen Keller
%%
"Seed me, Seymour"
-- a random number generator meets the big green mother from outer space
%%
Seen on a button at an SF Convention:
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force.  1990-1951.
%%
Seen on the wall in a New York subway station:
"There are no integers n > 2 and x, y, z > 0, such that
	x^n + y^n = z^n
 I have found a truly wonderful proof of this.
 Unfortunately, my train is coming.
%%
"`Self-esteem' [has been] promoted over and over again as the new panacea,
 along with teaching `responsibility.'  However, parents must remember that
 `self-esteem' is a double-edged sword.  While it may be true that a child
 needs a great deal of self-confidence to reject undesirable peer influence,
 it will, at the same time, require a defiantly self-confident child to have
 the courage to violate his or her family values and/or Judeo-Christian
 heritage, and engage in the `responsible' promiscuity being promoted by
 the liberal sex educators."
-- Margo Szews, Anti-Choice Educator, A.L.L. About Issues, June - July '89,
   as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned
   Parenthood pamphlet
%%
Semper Fi, dude.
%%
"Send lawyers, guns and money..."
-- Lyrics from a Warren Zevon song
%%
Sendmail can safely be made setuid to root.
-- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Install & Operation Guide"
%%
Seven years of college, down the drain.
-- John Blutarski
%%
"Sex education classes are like in-home sales parties for abortions."
-- Phyllis Schlafly
%%
"Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting incest."
-- Jimmy Swaggart, TV preacher, self-described pornography addict who paid
   prostitutes to commit "pornographic acts", hypocrite
%%
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
-- Joseph Fischer
%%
Sex is like air.  It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
%%
Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or how
long it will last.
%%
Ship it.
%%
"Ships don't come in, they're built."
-- anon
%%
Shit Happens.
%%
"Show business is just like high school, except you get paid."
-- Martin Mull
%%
"Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser."
-- Vince Lombardi, football coach
%%
"Shut your eyes and you'll burst into flames."  
-- The Log Lady
%%
"Sigh... Every day I thank my statuette of Wilma Flintstone that
 I was born normal."  
-- Zippy the pinhead
%%
Sigmund Freud is alleged to have said that in the last analysis the
entire field of psychology may reduce to biological electrochemistry.
%%
"Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone."
-- G. B. Stearn
%%
Since computers do the sending, however, it's possible to address
a single package to a mailing list of recipients with a shared
interest in the subject matter -- be it cold fusion or hot
pornography.  
-- Joe Abernathy <(C) 1990 Houston Chronicle>
%%
"Since the bicycle makes little demand on material or energy resources,
 contributes little to pollution, makes a positive contribution to health and 
 causes little death or injury, it can be regarded as the most benevolent of
 machines."
-- S. S. Wilson
%%
Since the measuring device has been constructed by the observer...we
have to remember that what we observe is not nature in itself, but
nature exposed to our method of questioning.
-- Werner Heisenberg
%%
Sing and Dance the New Deal Away
-- A button from Our People's Underworld
%%
Single tasking: Just Say No.
%%
Sir, the cow she walks. She talks. She's full of chalk.  The lactose secretions
of the female of the bovine species are highly desirable to the n'th degree.
-- A West Point Cadet's answer to, "How's the Cow?", which roughly translates 
     to, "How many servings of milk are left upon the table?".  (The "n'th" 
     indicates the number of servings).
%%
"Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months for possession
 of a deadly weapon!"
- cartoon by S. Harris
%%
"Slime is the agony of water."
-- Jean-Paul Sartre
%%
Small is beautiful.
%%
"So far from God, so close to the United States" 
-- Old Mexican proverb
%%
So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide and
our doubts serve to reassure us.
-- Jean-Pierre de Caussade, eighteenth-century Jesuit priest
%%
	So we get to my point.  Surely people around here read things that
aren't on the *Officially Sanctioned Cyberpunk Reading List*.  Surely we
don't (any of us) really believe that there is some big, deep political and
philosophical message in all this, do we?  So if this `cyberpunk' thing is
just a term of convenience, how can somebody sell out?  If cyberpunk is just a
word we use to describe a particular style and imagery in sf, how can it be
dead?  Where are the profound statements that the `Movement' is or was trying
to make?
	I think most of us are interested in examining and discussing literary
(and musical) works that possess a certain stylistic excellence and perhaps a
rather extreme perspective; this is what CP is all about, no?  Maybe there 
should be a newsgroup like, say, alt.postmodern or something.  Something less
restrictive in scope than alt.cyberpunk.
-- Jeff G. Bone
%%
So where the sheer incompetence of politicians and generals used to 
start wars, the sheer incompetence of us computer people has now put an 
end to it.  No mean feat.  For centuries humanity has been looking for 
the Weapon That Would End War Forever.  We have found it.  War has 
ended, not with the bang of a bomb, but with the gentle whisper of 
crashing software.
-- Gerard Stafleu (gerard@uwovax.uwo.ca)
%%
"So why don't you make like a tree... and get outta here."
-- Biff in "Back to the Future"
%%
"So-called Christian rock. . . . is a diabolical force undermining Christianity
 from within."
-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocrite and TV preacher, self-described pornography
   addict, "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.",
   The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50.
%%
"Socialism is power, power, and more power."
-- Oswald Spengler, Hitler's intellectual forebear
%%
Software Engineering: How to program if you cannot. 
-- Dijkstra
%%
Software entities are more complex for their size than perhaps any other human
construct because no two parts are alike.  If they are, we make the two
similar parts into a subroutine -- open or closed.  In this respect, software
systems differ profoundly from computers, buildings, or automobiles, where
repeated elements abound.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
"Software is the heart and soul of a computer company."
-- DEC President Ken Olsen
%%
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
 'user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take 
 all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
-- Bill Gates, Pres., Microsoft, Inc.
%%
Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or their children.
I would prefer to achieve it by not dying.
-- Woody Allen
%%
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon 
 the wall instead of using it."
-- Gordon R. Dickson
%%
"Some people should be taken with a grain of salt; others with a whole shaker."
-- Blumstein (paulb@ttidca.TTI.COM)
%%
"Some people think like drummers, some people act like them."
-- Jason Titus
%%
"Some would sooner die than think.  In fact, they often do."
-- Bertrand Russell
%%
"Somebody said to me, `But the Beatles were antimaterialistic.'  That's a huge
 myth.  John and I literally used to sit down and say `Now, let's write a
 swimming pool'."
-- Paul McCartney
%%
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
%%
"Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully."
-- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
%%
Sometime, you've gotta break the rules.
%%
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they
 should live next door and just visit now and then."
-- Katherine Hepburn
%%
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
-- Sigmund Freud
%%
"Sometimes insanity is the only alternative"
-- button at a Science Fiction convention.
%%
"Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of 
 the week debugging Monday's code."
-- Dan Salomon
%%
Sometimes you get the elevator and sometimes you get the shaft.
%%
"Sometimes you leave a mark, before you know the score."
-- Ric Ocasek, "You Got You", from the album "This Side Of Paradise"
%%
Sometimes, too long is too long.
-- Joe Crowe
%%
"Spending four or five hours a day tracing through CONSIO with an
 assembly-level debugger will take the spring out of anybody's step."
-- The Lone Contractor
%%
Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal
power should not become too important in any church.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%%
"Spock, did you see the looks on their faces?"
  "Yes, Captain, a sort of vacant contentment."
%%
"Spontaneous combustion!  What a stroke of luck!"
-- Max
%%
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
%%
"Stalinism begins at home."
-- Tom Neff
%%
"Stan and I thought that this experiment was so stupid, we decided to finance 
 it ourselves."
-- Martin Fleischmann, co-discoverer of room-temperature fusion (?)
%%
"Standards committees are not the best ways to create a standard.  Standards
 meetings and standards themselves are horribly political things.  One
 thing that people forget is that many standards are made by rather small
 groups of people.  A few good people can really save the day, and a few
 idiots can really make it miserable for years to come."
-- Dennis Ritchie, coinventor of Unix
%%
"State run lotteries: think of them as tax breaks for the intelligent."
-- Evan Leibovitch
%%
Statistics: A system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing
 scientific guise.
%%
Status quo:  The mess we're in.
-- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
-- Pink Floyd
%%
"Stop annoying Mister President with impertinent questions, Junior."
-- Death Race 2000
%%
"Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of
 government!"
-- M. Python
%%
Strange, because they are so frankly and hysterically insane -- like
all dreams: a God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet
preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them
happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their
bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal
happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who
gave his angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with
biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice and
invented hell -- mouths mercy and invented hell -- mouths Golden
Rules, and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented
hell; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man
without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's
acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon
himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this
poor, abused slave to worship him!
-- Mark Twain, _The Mysterious Stranger_
%%
"Stupidity is the basic building block of the universe." 
-- Frank Zappa
%%
"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward."
-- William E. Davidsen
%%
Sturgeon's Law:  Ninety percent of everything is crud.
%%
Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue.
-- Seneca
%%
"Sudden de-compression Sucks!"
-- Dennis Robert Gorrie, GORRIEDE@UREGINA1.BITNET
%%
"Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings.	 The expectations are always 
 high, and the results usually disappointing."
-- Robert Orben
%%
Support Mental Health.  Or I'll kill you.
%%
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the
same rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and
more efficient would the current models be?  If you have not already
heard the analogy, the answer is shattering.  Today you would be able
to buy a Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the
gallon, and it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth
II.  And if you were interested in miniaturization, you could place
half a dozen of them on a pinhead.
-- Christopher Evans
%%
Suppose that there is something which a person cannot understand.  He happens
to notice the similarity of this something to some other thing which he
understands quite well.  By comparing them he may come to understand the
thing which he could not understand up to that moment.  If his understanding
turns out to be appropriate and nobody else has ever come to such an
understanding, he can claim that his thinking was really creative.
-- Hideki Yukawa
%%
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
-- Richard M. Nixon
%%
Surely every human being ought to attain to the dignity of the unit.  Surely
it is worth while to be one, and to feel that the census of the universe
would be incomplete without counting you.  Surely there is grandeur in knowing
that in the realm of thought you are without a chain; that you have the right
to explore all heights and all depths; that there are no walls or fences, or
prohibited places, or sacred corners in all the vast expanse of thought; that
your intellect owes no allegiance to any being, human or divine; that you
hold all in fee, and upon no condition, and by no tenure, whatsoever; that
in the world of mind you are relieved from all personal dictation, and from
the ignorant tyranny of majorities.  Surely it is worth something to feel that
there are no priests, no popes, no parties, no governments, no kings, no gods,
to whom your intellect can be compelled to pay a reluctant homage.  Surely it
is a joy to know that all the cruel ingenuity of bigotry can devise no prison,
no dungeon, no cell in which for one instant to confine a thought; that ideas
cannot be dislocated by racks, nor crushed in iron boots, nor burned with
fire.  Surely it is sublime to think that the brain is a castle, and that
within its curious bastions and winding halls the soul, in spite of all worlds
and all beings, is the supreme sovereign of itself.
-- Robert Green Ingersoll, "The Free Soul"
%%
"Survey says..."
-- Richard Dawson, weenie, on "Family Feud"
%%
		     THE "FUN WITH USENET" MANIFESTO
Very little happens on Usenet without some sort of response from some other 
reader.  Fun With Usenet postings are no exception.  Since there are some who 
might question the rationale of some of the excerpts included therein, I have 
written up a list of guidelines that sum up the philosophy behind these 
postings.

	One.  I never cut out words in the middle of a quote without a VERY 
good reason, and I never cut them out without including ellipses.  For 
instance, "I am not a goob" might become "I am ... a goob", but that's too 
mundane to bother with.  "I'm flame proof" might (and has) become 
"I'm ...a... p...oof" but that's REALLY stretching it.

	Two.  If I cut words off the beginning or end of a quote, I don't
put ellipses, but neither do I capitalize something that wasn't capitalized
before the cut. "I don't think that the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful
place" would turn into "the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful place".  Imagine
the posting as a tape-recording of the poster's thoughts.  If I can set
up the quote via fast-forwarding and stopping the tape, and without splicing,
I don't put ellipses in.  And by the way, I love using this mechanism for
turning things around.  If you think something stinks, say so - don't say you
don't think it's wonderful.   ...
-- D. J. McCarthy (dmccart@cadape.UUCP)
%%
THE THREE LAWS OF ROBOTICS
1 - A robot may not injure a human being, or,
through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2 - A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings
except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3 - A robot must protect its own existence as long as
such protection does not conflict with the First or
Second Law.
-- Isaac Asimov
%%
"TO MANKIND And the hope that the war against folly may someday be won, after 
 all."
-- Dedicatory note of "The Gods Themselves"
%%
"Take Idaho's license plates - they say 'Famous Potatoes.'  Then there's New
 Hampshire - their license plates say 'Live Free ... or DIE!!'  I don't know, I
 think that somewhere between 'Famous Potatoes' and 'Live Free or Die' the
 truth lies.  And I think it's closer to 'Famous Potatoes.'"
-- George Carlin
%%
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
%%
"Take off your engineering hat and put on your management hat."
-- Thiokol management, 1/27/86
%%
"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!"
-- James Coburn, in the finale of _The_President's_Analyst_
%%
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
-- Ken Kesey
%%
Taunting someone for using Andrew is like laughing at a
slave because he has lash marks on his back: in bad taste.
-- Robert Firth
%%
"Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed."
-- Lazarus Long, from Robert Heinlein's _Time Enough For Love_
%%
"Taxes?  We don't need no stinking taxes."
-- Jeff Daiell
%%
"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to
 experience it."
-- Max Frisch
%%
"Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything,
 except over technology."
-- John Tudor
%%
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe
you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it
to be sure.
%%
"Tell the truth and run."
-- Yugoslav proverb
%%
Thank God a million billion times you live in Texas.
%%
"Thank heaven for startups; without them we'd never have any advances."
-- Seymour Cray
%%
"That government is best which governs least."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
"That government is best which governs not at all."
-- Henry David Thoreau
%%
"That is not the Usenet tradition, but it's a solidly-entrenched
 delusion now."
-- Brian Kantor (brian@ucsd.edu)
%%
That is the key to history.  Terrific energy is expended -- civilizations are
built up -- excellent institutions devised; but each time something goes wrong.
Some fatal flaw always brings the selfish and cruel people to the top, and then
it all slides back into misery and ruin.  In fact, the machine conks.  It seems
to start up all right and runs a few yards, and then it breaks down.
-- C. S. Lewis
%%
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
-- Thoreau (Sysop's note: and if so, what are we doing here?)
%%
"That's not a bug, that's merely an idiosyncracy."
-- mattb (formerly of sco)
%%
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they
really hate is lousy programmers.
-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
%%
"The *evident* character of this defective cognition of which
 mathematics is proud, and on which it plumes itself before
 philosophy, rests solely on the poverty of its purpose and the
 defectiveness of its stuff, and is therefore of a kind that
 philosophy must spurn."
-- G. W. F. Hegel
%%
"The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria
 that from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is
 difficult to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it
 not been for the Union's valiant representation in the courts of the
 constitutional rights of people of all persuasions, no matter how
 unpopular or even despised by the majority they were at the time."
-- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
%%
"The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking 
 operating system and get realtime performance, out of the box."
-- Peter da Silva
%%
"The Avis WIZARD decides if you get to drive a car. Your head won't touch the
 pillow of a Sheraton unless their computer says it's okay."
-- Arthur Miller
%%
"The Berlin Wall is the defining achievement of socialism."
-- George Will
%%
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion.  I could
never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
The Bible is true this I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
-- Jordan Henderson (jordan@neosoft.com)
%%
"The Book says BURN and DESTROY repent and redeem and revenge and deploy and 
 rumble thee forth to the land of the unbelieving scum 'cause they don't go 
 for what's in the Book and that makes 'em BAD."
-- Frank Zappa
%%
"The C committee took something that wasn't broken, and tidied it up without 
 breaking it."
-- Dennis Ritchie (dmr@alice.UUCP), about ANSI C standard X3J11
%%
"The C shell is flakier than a snowstorm."
-- Guy Harris
%%
The CS Sage says:  Seek new employment prior to the imposition of performance
penalties on your project.
%%
The Devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
-- W. Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice
%%
"The Diabolonian position is new to the London playgoer of today, but not to
 lovers of serious literature.  From Prometheus to the Wagnerian Siegfried,
 some enemy of the gods, unterrified champion of those oppressed by them, has
 always towered among the heroes of the loftiest poetry."
-- Shaw, "On Diabolonian Ethics"
%%
The F-15 Eagle:  
	If it's up, we'll shoot it down.  If it's down, we'll blow it up.
-- A McDonnel-Douglas ad from a few years ago
%%
"The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping."
--  from "Global Village News" on Nickelodeon
%%
"The Heinlein Woman to me is this woman who goes out and rules the galaxy,
 smokes a cigar, uses a machine gun and all, but what she really wants is to
 bring her husband his slippers."
-- paraphrase, based on peter@sugar's memory of a quote by Joan D. Vinge
%%
"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and
 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.
 "For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can
 we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by
 the question 'Where shall we have lunch?'"
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
The Law of Software Envelopment

Every program at MIT attempts to expand until it can read mail.
Those programs which cannot expand are replaced by ones which can.
%%
"The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to 
 sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread."
-- Anatole France
%%
"The Lisa had problems, but it was a terrific piece of engineering that still
 puts the Macintosh to shame."
-- Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld
%%
The Messiah will come.  There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
-- Rabbi Meir Kahane
%%
The Mets drafted a catcher as their first-ever pick.  Asked why,
Casey Stengel replied, "Well, without a catcher, we'd have a lot 
of passed balls, don'tcha think?"
%%
"The Mets were great in 'sixty eight,
 The Cards were fine in 'sixty nine,
 But the Cubs will be heavenly in nineteen and seventy."
-- Ernie Banks
%%
The Middle East is certainly the nexus of turmoil for a long time to come --
with shifting players, but the same game: upheaval.  I think we will be
confronting militant Islam -- particularly fallout from the Iranian
revolution -- and religion will once more, as it has in our own more
distant past -- play a role at least as standard-bearer in death and mayhem.
-- Bobby R. Inman, Admiral, USN, Retired, former director of Naval
   Intelligence, vice director of the DIA, former director of the NSA,
   deputy director of Central Intelligence, former chairman and CEO of MCC.
%%
"The NY Times is read by the people who run the country.  The Washington Post
 is read by the people who think they run the country.   The National Enquirer
 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country..."
-- Robert J Woodhead (trebor@biar.UUCP)
%%
"The Nazis have no sense of humor, so why should they want television?"
-- Philip K. Dick
%%
The President of these overly-united States was shaking
hands with the NY Yankees one day -- apparently during
summer.  When he got to Babe Ruth, the Bambino opened
with, "Hot as Hell, ain't it, Prez?"
%%
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
%%
The Seventh Edition licensing procedures are, I suppose, still in effect, 
though I doubt that tapes are available from AT&T.  At any rate, whatever 
restrictions the license imposes still exist.  These restrictions were and 
are reasonable for places that just want to run the system, but don't allow 
many of the things that Minix was written for, like study of the source in 
classes, or by individuals not in a university or company.

I've always thought that Minix was a fine idea, and competently done.

As for the size of v7, wc -l /usr/sys/*/*.[chs] is 19271.

-- Dennis Ritchie, 1989
%%
"The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 
 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against 
 the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: `Hey you stinking fat Russian, get
 off my Ford Escort.'"
-- Dennis Miller, Saturday Night Live
%%
"The Street finds its own uses for technology."
-- William Gibson
%%
The Swartzberg Test:
 The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
%%
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
%%
"The United States has entered an anti-intellectual phase in its history, 
 perhaps most clearly seen in our virtually thought-free political life." 
-- David Baltimore
%%
"The ability of two men to put on gloves, stand toe-to-toe, and pummel each
 other into insensibility... is what separates us from the animals."
-- Jim, on Taxi
%%
"The alternative to mutual trust, which is indeed a risky gamble, is the
 security of the police state."
-- Alan Watts
%%
"The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle: they're on 
 TV!"
-- Homer Simpson
%%
"The argument that the literal story of Genesis can qualify as science
 collapses on three major grounds: the creationists' need to invoke
 miracles in order to compress the events of the earth's history into
 the biblical span of a few thousand years; their unwillingness to 
 abandon claims clearly disproved, including the assertion that all
 fossils are products of Noah's flood; and their reliance upon distortion,
 misquote, half-quote, and citation out of context to characterize the
 ideas of their opponents."
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Winter 87/88, pg. 186
%%
"The armchair quarterbacking of a former quarterback is worth more than the
 armchair quarterbacking of a schmuck."
-- Cal Keegan
%%
"The arts equally have distinct departments, and unless photography has its
 own possibilities of expression, separate from those of the other arts, it
 is merely a process, not an art."
-- Alfred Stieglitz, circa 1895, about the Romantic-Impressionist school
    of photography
%%
The author should gaze at Noah, and ... learn, as they did in the Ark, to crowd
a great deal of matter into a very small compass.
-- Sydney, Smith, Edinburgh Review
%%
"The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one
 which will last forever."
-- Anatole France
%%
"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people
 who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything."
-- Jim Joyce, former computer science lecturer at the University of California
%%
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
drifting side by side to our common doom.
-- Clarence Darrow
%%
The best way to be an organ donor is to buy a motorcycle and ride it
without a helmet.  The severe brain damage that follows results in slow
death, and emergency services often arrive fast enough so that good,
healthy organs can be taken.  In fact, this is such a common method that
people working in organ transplants refer to motorcycles as
``donorcycles.''
-- Jon Webb
%%
"The better technology does not always sell better, even if it is first."
-- William J. Spencer, Xerox Corporation
%%
"The biggest growth industry in UNIX is promoting standards."
-- Rikki Kirzner, Dataquest.
%%
"The bonds that links your true family is not one of blood, but of
 respect and joy in each others life.
 Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof."
-- Richard Bach
%%
The bug starts here.
%%
The bug stops here.
%%
"The cat is out of the bag.  Even Siskel and Ebert talk about it, and they're
 _professional art farts_, not amatuer Art History Majors forced to work in 
 a computer company because they realized too late that a four-year investment
 in a liberal arts degree is about as useful on the job market as a bicycle 
 with square wheels."
-- Chris Neckalson (sco!chrisn)
%%
"The chain that can be yanked is not the cosmic chain."
-- Cal Keegan
%%
"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
-- G. Fitch
%%
The challenge of space exploration and particularly of landing men on the moon
represents the greatest challenge which has ever faced the human race.  Even
if there were no clear scientific or other arguments for proceeding with this
task, the whole history of our civilization would still impel men toward the
goal.  In fact, the assembly of the scientific and military with these human
arguments creates such an overwhelming case that in can be ignored only by
those who are blind to the teachings of history, or who wish to suspend the
development of civilization at its moment of greatest opportunity and drama.
-- Sir Bernard Lovell, 1962, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%%
The characteristic property of hallucinogens, to suspend the boundaries between
the experiencing self and the outer world in an ecstatic, emotional experience,
makes it possible with their help, and after suitable internal and external
preparation...to evoke a mystical experience according to plan, so to speak...
I see the true importance of LSD in the possibility of providing material aid 
to meditation aimed at the mystical experience of a deeper, comprehensive
reality.  Such a use accords entirely with the essence and working character
of LSD as a sacred drug.
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%%
"The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and
 pusillanimity; the active virtues of society were discouraged; and
 the last remains of a military spirit were buried in the cloister: a
 large portion of public and private wealth was consecrated to the
 specious demands of charity and devotion; and the soldiers' pay was
 lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes who could only plead
 the merits of abstinence and chastity."
-- Edward Gibbons, _The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire_
%%
The clothes have no emperor.
-- C. A. Hoare, about Ada.
%%
  The coming thing, Cowboy thinks.  Live forever in a bodily incarnation of
the eye-face, not limited to the speed of artificially enhanced 
neurotransmitters but approaching the speed of light, extending the limits 
of the interface, the universe.  Brain contained in a perfect liquid-
crystal analog.  Nerves like the strings of a steel guitar.  Heart a 
spinning turbopump.  The Steel Cowboy, his body a screaming monochrome
flicker, dispensing justice and righting wrongs.  Who was that masked AI?
Dunno, pardner, but he left this silver casting of a crystal circuit.

  To Cowboy, it sounded pretty good.

-- Walter Jon Williams, _Hardwired_
%%
The complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one.
Hence, descriptions of a software entity that abstract away its complexity
often abstract away its essence.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
The computer can't tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact
mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.
-- Frank Zappa
%%
"The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone
 is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be
 created in the form of computer programs."
-- Joseph Weizenbaum, _Computer Power and Human Reason_
%%
"The condition upon which God has given liberty to man is eternal vigilance."
-- John Philpot Curran
%%
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting
language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
dangerous.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup in "The C++ Programming Language"
%%
The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T LD.
 A winner:
 "So I go to pick up Bobby from the daycare center and he's not there.  I get
  home, the phone's ringing and it's them.  The guy says, 'Lady, we've got
  your kid.  Say something to mommy, Bob. (SCREAM).  Please note, Mrs.
  Sanderson, the fiber-optic clarity of your son's ...'"
-- From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24
%%
The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T LD.
 Third Prize:
 I hear this crash and I find a rock, wrapped in paper, next to my living room
 window.  I open up the note and it says, "You want it in writing?  You got it.
 Next time, take the call.  MCI.  We know where you live."
-- From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24
%%
"The country couldn't run without Prohibition.  That is the industrial fact."
-- Henry Ford, 1929
%%
"The country needs and, unless I mistake its temper, the country demands bold,
 persistent experimentation."
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
%%
"The cow story is unlikely - cows are valuable, and don't fit into
 automatic teller machine slots."
-- ho95c.att.com!wcs
%%
"The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be
 missing."
-- William J. Broad
%%
"The day is very warm", intoned the priest, "but the noodles are getting cold".
"A cold noodle", he continued, "is like a dog without fur.... Recognizable,
 but very unpleasent."
---- cruc!gevert 
%%
The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.  But we may hope that the
dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it is unanimous.
%%
"The difference between a rabbit and a rock is the information content, and the
 difference between a living and a dead rabbit is in the availability or
 usability of the information."
-- Dr. John A. Ball
%%
"The difference between fantasy
 and science fiction
 is that one hast
 honest politicians
 scrupulous lawyers,
 and altruistic doctors,
 while the other 
 only has beings from outer space."
-- William John Watkins
%%
"The difference between the right word and a similar word is the difference
 between lightning and a lightning bug."
-- Mark Twain
%%
	The discovery of this strange society was a curiously refreshing thing;
to realize that there were ten new trades in the world was like looking at the
first ship or the first plough.  It made a man feel what he should feel, that
he was still in the childhood of the world. 
-- G. K. Chesterton, "The Tremendous Adventures of Major Brown"
%%
The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity.  Nowhere
in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths,
Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in
Christianity.
-- John Adams
%%
"The doughnut is...not unlike the ideal lover - rich, sensual,
 irresistably desirable, and available 24 hours a day." 
-- David Hoffman
%%
"The effort of using machines to mimic the human mind has always struck me as 
 rather silly.  I would rather use them to mimic something better."
--Edsger Dijkstra
%%
The emperor has no clothes.
%%
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
-- Buckminster Fuller
%%
The essential ideas of Algol 68 were that the whole language should be
precisely defined and that all the pieces should fit together smoothly.
The basic idea behind Pascal was that it didn't matter how vague the
language specification was (it took *years* to clarify) or how many rough
edges there were, as long as the CDC Pascal compiler was fast.
-- Richard A. O'Keefe
%%
The evidence of the emotions, save in cases where it has strong objective
support, is really no evidence at all, for every recognizable emotion has
its opposite, and if one points one way then another points the other way.
Thus the familiar argument that there is an instinctive desire for immortality,
and that this desire proves it to be a fact, becomes puerile when it is
recalled that there is also a powerful and widespread fear of annihilation,
and that this fear, on the same principle proves that there is nothing
beyond the grave.  Such childish "proofs" are typically theological, and
they remain theological even when they are adduced by men who like to 
flatter themselves by believing that they are scientific gents....
-- H. L. Mencken
%%
The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand
years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man
is and will always be a wild animal.
-- Charles Galton Darwin
%%
The existence of god implies a violation of causality.
%%
"The experimenter who does not know what he is looking for will not understand
 what he finds."
-- Claude Bernard
%%
"The fact is that one side thinks that the profits to be won outweigh the risks
 to be incurred, and the other side is ready to face danger than accept an
 immediate loss."
-- Thucydides, History of the Peloponnesian War
%%
The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order
of space and time.  -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%%
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
-- Roger Levian
%%
"The federal procurement system is like a software system with bugs.
 Every time it's broken down, somebody has patched it.  But keeping
 it together is getting harder and harder and costing more money.
 And at that point, an experienced software engineer would throw up
 his hands and say, 'Hey! Let's toss this out and start over.'"
-- James Paul, 
   House Science, Space, and Technology Committee's Subcommittee
   on Investigations and Oversight.
%%
"The filter has discreting sources."
-- KSC FIDO, 1/28/86
%%
"The final twitch of "Political Correctness" grand peur has to do with the
 age-old fear of antinomian beastliness, lesbians holding black masses over
 copies of Derrida and so forth." 
-- Alexander Cockburn
%%
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time.  The last 10% of a project
takes 90% of the time.
%%
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
-- Abbie Hoffman
%%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-- Paul Erlich
%%
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
-- Alan Coult
%%
The following appeared in my MCI bill this month:

MCI> President Bush is proclaiming July 22 as Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
MCI> Family Appreciation Day, in honor of the 100th birthday of one of
MCI> America's most beloved and respected citizens.  Throughout her life,
MCI> family has been of utmost importance to Mrs. Kennedy.  Family 
MCI> Appreciation Day calls upon Americans to rededicate themselves to family
MCI> values and relationships...
[ they then go on to encourage people to use the telephone a lot. ]

This Sunday, I encourage the following activities:

o Fornicate
o Get a divorce
o Shoot suction-cup darts at photos of JFK
o Fornicate
o Call up your long-distance operator and emit an ear-piercing shriek
o Tell your parents how they've screwed you up for life
o Assist a gay couple in adopting or conceiving
o Use the word "Chappaquiddick" (sic?) in a sentence
o Buy your pre-adolescent children a copy of Blue Boy
o Fornicate
o Spit on a rich person
o Fornicate

Thank you.

-- Erb (cooper@cs), Church of the Four-day Workweek
%%
"The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists."
-- Dave Barry
%%
The formalized CS education we have in Soviet Union yields really awful results
- for example the quantity of grads capable to write real programs is about
2-3% after the CS Dept. of Moscow U (not the worst one, be sure) - and those
students who CAN program all are self-educated hackers and as a rule they had
terrible conflicts with educational authorities. Some of the most talented
programmers here are still students in their 30s. Thus the practice is against
Dijkstra.
-- Vadim Antonov (avg@hq.demos.su)
%%
The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects
into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to
levitation.

Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the 
character does not have fire resistance.

-- README file from the NetHack game
%%
The fourth law of thermodynamics:
The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.
%%
"The fundamental principle of science, the definition almost, is this: the
 sole test of the validity of any idea is experiment."
-- Richard P. Feynman
%%
"The fundamental purpose animating the Faith of God and His Religion is to
 safeguard the interests and promote the unity of the human race, and to foster
 the spirit of love and fellowship amongst men. Suffer it not to become a 
 source of dissension and discord, of hate and enmity."

"Religion is verily the chief instrument for the establishment of order in the
 world and of tranquillity amongst it's peoples...The greater the decline of
 religion, the more grievous the waywardness of the ungodly. This cannot but
 lead in the end to chaos and confusion."
-- Baha'u'llah, a selection from the Baha'i scripture
%%
The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it
seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the
fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving
after rational knowledge.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
The game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and words 
return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy.
%%
"The geeks shall inherit the earth."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"The genius of you Americans is that you never make any clear-cut stupid
 moves, only complicated stupid moves that leave us scratching our heads
 wondering if we might possibly have missed something."
-- Gamel Abdel Nasser
%%
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make 
 empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians have made 
 a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the 
 bonds of Hell."
 -- Saint Augustine
%%
"The good thing about drawing a tiger is that it automatically
 makes your picture fine art."
-- Calvin
%%
"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded 
 on the Christian Religion."
-- George Washington
%%
"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, `What does 
 woman want?'"
-- Sigmund Freud
%%
"The great tragedy of science, the slaying of a beautiful theory by an ugly
 fact."
-- Thomas Henry Huxley
%%
"The greater the hold of government upon the life of
 the individual citizen, the greater the risk of war."
-- John Hospers
%%
"The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal,
 well-meaning but without understanding."
-- Justice Louis O. Brandeis (Olmstead vs. United States)
%%
"The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace."
-- Holly Near
%%
"The hand that rocks the cradle can also cradle a rock."
--- Feminist saying, circa 1968-1972
%%
"The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
The hell with the prime directive, let's kill something.
%%
"The highest form of pure thought is in mathematics."
-- Plato
%%
The history of the rise of Christianity has everything to do with politics,
culture, and human frailties and nothing to do with supernatural manipulation
of events.  Had divine intervention been the guiding force, surely two
millennia after the birth of Jesus he would not have a world where there
are more Muslims than Catholics, more Hindus than Protestants, and more
nontheists than Catholics and Protestants combined.
-- John K. Naland, "The First Easter", Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 2
%%
The hotel [in Kiev] checked us in very quickly.  Unlike the one in Moscow,
the door guard smiled, did not check our passes and did not wear a gun.
The hotel serves excellent country food for lunch, including dumpling
soup, pork and homemade ice cream.  The waitress is friendly.  Going from
Moscow to Kiev is like going from New York to Texas.
-- T. J. Rodgers, "High tech in the Ukraine", E. E. Times, 8/13/90, p. 16
%%
"The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral
 crisis, preserved their neutrality."
-- Dante
%%
"The human race, to which so many of my readers belong, has been
 playing at children's games from the beginning, and will probably do
 it till the end, which is a nuisance for the few people who grow up.
 And one of the games which it is most attached is called, "Keep
 tomorrow dark," and which is also named (by the rustics in
 Shropshire, I have no doubt) "Cheat the Prophet."  The players listen
 very carefully and respectfully to all that the clever men have to
 say about what is to happen in the next generation.  The players then
 wait until all the clever men are dead, and bury them nicely.  Then
 they go and do something else.  That is all.  For a race of simple
 tastes, however, it is great fun."
-- G.K. Chesterton
%%
The hypothesis:
Amid a wash of paper, a small number of documents become the critical pivots
around which every project's management revolves.  These are the manager's
chief personal tools.
-- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
The idea of man leaving this earth and flying to another celestial body and
landing there and stepping out and walking over that body has a fascination
and a driving force that can get the country to a level of energy, ambition,
and will that I do not see in any other undertaking.  I think if we are
honest with ourselves, we must admit that we needed that impetus extremely
strongly.  I sincerely believe that the space program, with its manned
landing on the moon, if wisely executed, will become the spearhead for a
broad front of courageous and energetic activities in all the fields of
endeavour of the human mind - activities which could not be carried out 
except in a mental climate of ambition and confidence which such a spearhead
can give.
-- Dr. Martin Schwarzschild, 1962, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%%
"The illegal we do immediately.  The unconstitutional takes a bit longer."
-- Henry Kissinger
%%
"The important thing is never to stop questioning."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
The inability to benefit from feedback appears to be the primary cause of
pseudoscience.  Pseudoscientists retain their beliefs and ignore or distort
contradictory evidence rather than modify or reject a flawed theory.  Because
of their strong biases, they seem to lack the self-correcting mechanisms
scientists must employ in their work.
-- Thomas L. Creed, "The Skeptical Inquirer," Summer 1987
%%
"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the
 inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries."
-- Winston Churchill, churchill@hmv.uk.gov
%%
"The judge ought to give 'em a chance to tell what evolution is.  Course we
 got them licked anyhow, but I believe in being fair and square and American.
 Besides, I'd like to know what evolution is myself."
-- Tennessee State Representative John Washington Butler,
   author of the Tennessee Anti-Evolution Law, during the Scopes Monkey Trial
%%
"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
The language provides a programmer with a set of conceptual tools; if these are
inadequate for the task, they will simply be ignored.  For example, seriously
restricting the concept of a pointer simply forces the programmer to use a
vector plus integer arithmetic to implement structures, pointer, etc.  Good
design and the absence of errors cannot be guaranteed by mere language
features.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup, "The C++ Programming Language"
%%
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-- Blaise Pascal
%%
The late rebellion in Massachusetts has given more alarm than I think it 
should have done.  Calculate that one rebellion in 13 states in the course 
of 11 years, is but one for each state in a century and a half.  No country 
should be so long without one.
-- Thomas Jefferson in letter to James Madison, 20 December 1787
%%
"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.
 He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him.
 But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are
 given to administer we presently imagine we own."
-- H.G. Wells
%%
"The less you know about home computers the more you'll want the new IBM PS/1."
-- Advertisment in the Edmonton Journal, Thursday, December 13, 1990
%%
"The lesser of two evils -- is evil."
-- Seymour (Sy) Leon
%%
"The liberty of the press is not confined to newspapers and periodicals.
 It necessarily embraces pamphlets and leaflets....The press in its
 historical connotation comprehends every sort of publication which
 affords a vehicle of information and opinion."
-- Lowell v. City of Griffin, 303 U.S. 444, 452 (1938), quoted by Mike
     Godwin in comp.org.eff.talk
%%
The life of a repo man is always intense.
%%
"The life of money-making is one undertaken under compulsion, and wealth is 
 evidently not the good we are seeking, for it is merely useful for the sake 
 of something else."
-- Aristotle
%%
"The life of the people must be freed from the asphyxiating perfume of our 
 modern eroticism, as it must be from unmanly and prudish refusal to face 
 facts....  The right to personal freedom comes second in importance to the
 duty of sustaining the race."
-- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, 1924
%%
"The light that burns twice as bright lasts half as long, 
 and you have burned so very, very bright, Roy!"
-- Doctor Eldon Tyrell, in Blade Runner
%%
"The living dead don't NEED to solve word problems."
-- Calvin
%%
The magician is seated in his high chair and looks upon the world with favor.
He is at the height of his powers.  If he closes his eyes, he causes the world
to disappear.  If he opens his eyes, he causes the world to come back.  If
there is harmony within him, the world is harmonious.  If rage shatters his
inner harmony, the unity of the world is shattered.  If desire arises within
him, he utters the magic syllables that causes the desired object to appear.
His wishes, his thoughts, his gestures, his noises command the universe.
-- Selma Fraiberg, _The Magic Years_, pg. 107
%%
The main thing is the play itself.  I swear that greed for money has nothing
to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money.
-- Feodor Dostoyevsky
%%
"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The 
 terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
The makers of fortunes have a second love of money as a creation of their
own, resembling the affection of authors for their poems, or of parents for
their children ... and hence they are very bad company, for they talk of
nothing but the praises of wealth.
-- Plato
%%
The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be.... The
natural disposition is always to believe.  It is acquired wisdom and experience
only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it enough.
-- Adam Smith
%%
"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while 
 the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."
-- William Stekel
%%
"The mass media is supported and sustained by commercial entities. And corn
 flakes and Shakespeare are simply not kissing cousins.  Leonard Bernstein and
 living bras are incompatible.  And you cannot sustain adult, probing, 
 meaningful drama when the proceedings are interrupted every twelve minutes by 
 a dozen dancing rabbits with toilet paper."
-- Rod Serling
%%
"The medium is the massage."
-- Crazy Nigel
%%
"The medium is the message."
-- Marshall McLuhan
%%
The meek are contesting the will.
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
-- J. Paul Getty
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth.  The rest of us will go to the stars.
%%
The meek will inherit the earth ... in pine boxes six feet long by ...
%%
"The minority is always right."
-- Henrik Ibsen 1828-1906
%%
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
-- Tennessee Williams
%%
The more a man is imbued with the ordered regularity of all events, the firmer
becomes his conviction that there is no room left by the side of this ordered
regularity for causes of a different nature.  For him neither the rule of
human nor the rule of divine will exists as an independent cause of natural
events.  To be sure, the doctrine of a personal God interfering with natural
events could never be refuted, in the real sense, by science, for this
doctrine can always take refuge in those domains in which scientific knowledge
has not yet been able to set foot.

But I am persuaded that such behavior on the part of the representatives
of religion would not only be unworthy but also fatal.  For a doctrine which 
is able to maintain itself not in clear light, but only in the dark, will
of necessity lose its effect on mankind, with incalculable harm to human
progress.  In their struggle for the ethical good, teachers of religion
must have the stature to give up the doctrine of a personal God, that is, 
give up that source of fear and hope which in the past placed such vast
powers in the hands of priests.  In their labors they will have to avail
themselves of those forces which are capable of cultivating the Good, the 
True, and the Beautiful in humanity itself.  This is, to be sure, a more
difficult but an incomparably more worthy task.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"The more you have, the more you have that needs fixing."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"The most effective debugging tool is still careful thought, coupled with
 judiciously placed print statements."
-- Brian Kernighan [1978]
%%
"The most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is reason."
-- Thomas Paine, _The Age of Reason_
%%
"The most important question in the study of government is 'how can we prevent
 government from going berserk and killing off half the population?'"
-- John Kormylo
%%
"The most important question when any new computer architecture is
 introduced is `So what?'"
-- someone in comp.arch
%%
"The most important thing in a man is not what he knows, but what he is."
-- Narciso Yepes
%%
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to
correlate all its contents.
-- H. P. Lovecraft
%%
"The net result is a system that is not only binary compatible with 4.3 BSD,
 but is even bug for bug compatible in almost all features."
-- Avadit Tevanian, Jr., "Architecture-Independent Virtual Memory Management
   for Parallel and Distributed Environments:  The Mach Approach"
%%
"The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.  Life
 is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured some whiskey
 onto my granola and faced a new day."
-- Peter Applebome
%%
The notion of ideas as infectious diseases is one to which most
authoritarian religions and governments subscribe, and they hold
massive "hygienic" burnings of the "viral DNA" behind the ideas.
Promulgators of these "diseased" ideas are called "carriers of
spiritual impurity" (to use one phrase now popular in China) and
attempts are made to prevent the spread of these diseases.  This is a
naive and dangerous view of how ideas work and it is disturbing to see
it rationalized into Western pop psychology.
-- Tim Maroney (tim@toad.com)
%%
The notion that science does not concern itself with first causes -- that it
leaves the field to theology or metaphysics, and confines itself to mere 
effects -- this notion has no support in the plain facts.  If it could,
science would explain the origin of life on earth at once--and there is 
every reason to believe that it will do so on some not too remote tomorrow.
To argue that gaps in knowledge which will confront the seeker must be filled,
not by patient inquiry, but by intuition or revelation, is simply to give
ignorance a gratuitous and preposterous dignity....
-- H. L. Mencken, 1930
%%
"The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected."
-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972
%%
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity."
- Oscar Wilde
%%
"The only corporate defense against rationality is bureaucracy."
-- anon
%%
"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."
-- Salvador Dali
%%
The only flaw in the Hinckley trial is that it left a lot of people with the
impression that psychiatrists are just a bunch of bearded voodoo doctors who
espouse confusing and wildly contradictory theories that have nothing to do
with common sense.  This is totally unfair.  Many psychiatrists are clean-
shaven.
-- Dave Barry, Psychiatrist For Rent, _Bad Habits_
%%
"The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member 
 of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others ...
 over himself, over his own body and mind, the individual is sovereign."
-- John Stuart Mill 'On Liberty' 1859
%%
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
-- Edmund Burke
%%
"The only thing open about OSF is their mouth."
-- Chuck Musciano
%%
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead 
 girl or a live boy."
-- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards
%%
"The only way for a reporter to look at a politician is down."
-- H.L. Mencken
%%
The only way to have real success in science, the field I'm familiar
with, is to describe the evidence very carefully without regard to the
way you feel it should be.  If you have a theory, you must try to
explain what's good and what's bad about it equally.  In science, you
learn a kind of standard integrity and honesty.

In other fields, such as business, it's different.  For example,
almost every advertisement you see is obviously designed, in some way
or another, to fool the customer: the print that they don't want you
to read is small; the statements are written in an obscure way.  It is
obvious to anybody that the product is not being presented in a
scientific and balanced way.  Therefore, in the selling business,
there's a lack of integrity.
-- Richard P. Feynman, _What Do You Care What Other People Think?_
%%
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it.
-- Brian Kernighan
%%
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a
profound truth may well be another profound truth.
-- Niels Bohr
%%
"The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way."
-- Calvin
%%
"The pathology is to want control, not that you ever get it, because of
 course you never do."
-- Gregory Bateson
%%
"The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip 
 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose."
-- James Finke, Pres., Commodore Int'l Ltd. (1982)
%%
"The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen...  The world's climates are changing, 
 the mammals are taking over, and we all have a brain about the size of a 
 walnut."
-- some dinosaurs from The Far Side, by Gary Larson
%%
The place where I come from is a small town.
They think so small, they use small words.
But not me, I'm smarter than that.
I worked it out.  
I've been stretching my mouth to let those big words come right out...
-- Peter Gabriel, "Big Time"
%%
"The police are not there to create disorder.   The police are there to 
 preserve disorder."
-- The late Richard J. Daly, Mayor of the city of Chicago
%%
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism
 by those who have not got it."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of
the Force.
-- Darth Vader
%%
"The preeminence of a learned man over a worshiper is equal to the preeminence
 of the moon, at the night of the full moon, over all the stars.  Verily, the
 learned men are the heirs of the Prophets."
-- A tradition attributed to Muhammad
%%
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
knowledge of its ugly side.
-- James Baldwin
%%
The programmer, like the poet, works only slightly removed from pure thought-
stuff.  He builds his castles in the air, from air, creating by exertion of the
imagination.  Few media of creation are so flexible, so easy to polish and
rework, so readily capable of realizing grand conceptual structures.
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
"The pyramid is opening!"
   "Which one?"
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
-- The Firesign Theatre
%%
"The question is rather: if we ever succeed in making a mind 'of nuts and
 bolts', how will we know we have succeeded?
-- Fergal Toomey

"It will tell us."
-- Barry Kort
%%
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -
but that's the way to bet.
-- Damon Runyon
%%
"The raytracer of justices recurses slowly, but it renders exceedingly fine."
-- Larry Phillips (lphillips@lpami.wimsey.bc.ca)
%%
"The real problem with SDI is that it doesn't kill anybody."
-- Tom Neff
%%
"The real test of an artist, of course, is not whether you can see each blade
 of grass, but whether the eyes follow you across the room."
-- Stewart Evans
%%
The reason ESP, for example, is not considered a viable topic in contemporary
psychology is simply that its investigation has not proven fruitful...After
more than 70 years of study, there still does not exist one example of an ESP
phenomenon that is replicable under controlled conditions.  This simple but
basic scientific criterion has not been met despite dozens of studies conducted
over many decades...It is for this reason alone that the topic is now of little
interest to psychology...In short, there is no demonstrated phenomenon that
needs explanation.
-- Keith E. Stanovich, "How to Think Straight About Psychology", pp. 160-161
%%
"The reason that God was able to create the world in seven days is that he
 didn't have to worry about the installed base."
-- Enzo Torresi  
%%
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists
 in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress depends on 
 the unreasonable man."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"The religion that is afraid of science dishonors God and commits suicide."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
The reported resort to astrology in the White House has occasioned much
merriment.  It is not funny.  Astrological gibberish, which means astrology
generally, has no place in a newspaper, let alone government.  Unlike comics,
which are part of a newspaper's harmless pleasure and make no truth claims,
astrology is a fraud.  The idea that it gets a hearing in government is
dismaying.
-- George Will, Washing Post Writers Group
%%
"The right to search for the truth implies also a duty; one must not conceal
 any part of what one has recognized to be the truth."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"The road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom...for we never know what is
 enough until we know what is more than enough."
-- William Blake
%%
"The rotter who simpers that he sees no difference between a
 five-dollar bill and a whip deserves to learn the difference on his
 own back -- as, I think, he will."
-- Francisco d'Anconia, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_
%%
The rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a number or 
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
%%
 "The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed 
  entirely of lost airline luggage."
-- Mark Russell
%%
The scientists most esteemed by their colleagues are those who are both very
original and committed to the abstract ideal of truth in the midst of
clamoring demands of ego and ideology.  They pass the acid test of promoting
new knowledge even at the expense of losing credit for it.
-- Edward O. Wilson, "Biophilia"
%%
"The script had been written by this legendary dead guy that we know and there 
 were about fifty-eleven-hundred pages of it.  Of this eight words were 
 completely readable.  These were "oranges" in the title and "Close the 
 curtains, Geoffrey, I'm amphibious", which was right at the end.  To be 
 perfectly frank man, I wasn't even 100% sure about amphibious."
 -- Waldo "D.R." Dobbs, "D.R. and Quinch go to Hollywood".
%%
"The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like
 someone beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I
 can see why!" 
-- Harry Skelton (harry@usrgrp)
%%
"The shortest distance between two points is through Hell."
-- Brian Clark
%%
"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
-- Noelie Altito
%%
"The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so."
-- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
%%
"The sixties were good to you, weren't they?"
-- George Carlin
%%
The sky above the port was the color of television,
tuned to a dead channel.
-- William Gibson, "Neuromancer"
%%
The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
"airplane-seat" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while
seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- one can
see only a very few things at once.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
"The so-called Christian world is contracepting itself out of existence."
-- Fr. L. Kieffer, HLI Reports, August 1989, as quoted in "The Far
    Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
-- Ed Bluestone
%%
The source codes and formal descriptions [for DES] were publically available 
in USSR long before that posting. I've first seen it being a student and 
hacking some Unix sources about 1982. Isn't it stupid to continue insisting on 
export restrictions of the well-known technology?
-- Vadim Antonov (avg@hq.demos.su)
%%
The spectacle of astrology in the White House -- the governing center of
the world's greatest scientific and military power -- is so appalling that
it defies understanding and provides grounds for great fright.  The easiest
response is to laugh it off, and to indulge in wisecracks about Civil
Service ratings for horoscope makers and palm readers and whether Reagan
asked Mikhail Gorbachev for his sign.  A contagious good cheer is the
hallmark of this presidency, even when the most dismal matters are concerned.
But this time, it isn't funny.  It's plain scary.
-- Daniel S. Greenberg, Editor, _Science and Government Report_, writing in
   "Newsday", May 5, 1988
%%
The sprung doors parted and I staggered out into the lobby's teak and flicker.
Uniformed men stood by impassively like sentries in their trench.  I slapped
my key on the desk and nodded gravely.  I was loaded enough to be unable to
tell whether they could tell I was loaded.  Would they mind?  I was certainly
too loaded to care.  I moved to the door with boxy, schlep-shouldered strides.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%%
"The stars are made of the same atoms as the earth."  I usually pick
 one small topic like this to give a lecture on.  Poets say science
 takes away from the beauty of the stars -- mere gobs of gas atoms.
 Nothing is "mere."  I too can see the stars on a desert night, and
 feel them.  But do I see less or more?  The vastness of the heavens
 stretches my imagination -- stuck on this carousel my little eye can
 catch one-million-year-old light.  A vast pattern -- of which I am a
 part -- perhaps my stuff was belched from some forgotten star, as one
 is belching there.  Or see them with the greater eye of Palomar,
 rushing all apart from some common starting point when they were
 perhaps all together.  What is the pattern, or the meaning, or the
 *why?* It does not do harm to the mystery to know a little about it.
 For far more marvelous is the truth than any artists of the past
 imagined!  Why do the poets of the present not speak of it?  What men
 are poets who can speak of Jupiter if he were like a man, but if he
 is an immense spinning sphere of methane and ammonia must be silent?"
-- Richard P. Feynman (1918-1988)
%%
"The starting point of all individual achievement is the adoption of a
 definite purpose and a definite plan for its attainment."
-- Napoleon Hill
%%
"The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each
 citizen to defend it.  Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do
 his share in this defense are the constitutional rights secure."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
The tar pit of software engineering will continue to be sticky for a long time
to come.  One can expect the human race to continue attempting systems just
within or just beyond our reach; and software systems are perhaps the most
intricate and complex of man's handiworks.  The management of this complex
craft will demand our best use of new languages and systems, our best
adaptation of proven engineering management methods, liberal doses of common
sense, and ... humility to recognize our fallibility and limitations.
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
The telephone blasted Peter Fallow awake inside an egg with the shell peeled 
away and only the membranous sac holding it intact.  Ah! The membranous sac 
was his head, and the right side of his head was on the pillow, and the yolk 
was as heavy as mercury, and it rolled like mercury, and it was pressing down 
on his right temple and his right eye and his right ear.  If he tried to get 
up to answer the telephone, the yolk, the mercury, the poisoned mass, would
shift and roll and rupture the sac, and his brains would fall out.
-- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities"
%%
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
%%
"The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
 soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
 an idea." 
-- _The Wizardry Compiled_ by Rick Cook
%%
"The time for action is past!  Now is the time for senseless bickering!"
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
The time is right to make new friends.
%%
"The totality is present even in the broken pieces."
-- Aldous Huxley
%%
"The triumph of libertarian anarchy is nearly (in historical terms) at
 hand... *if* we can keep the Left from selling us into slavery and the
 Right from blowing us up for, say, the next twenty years."
-- Eric Rayman, usenet guy, about nanotechnology
%%
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 
 appreciates how difficult it was."
-- Walt West
%%
The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only
opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts
at rational thinking.  Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of
knowledge a serpent -- slimy, sneaking and abominable.  Since the earliest
days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every
effort to liberate the body and mind of man.  It has been, at all times and
everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad
laws, bad social theories, bad institutions.  It was, for centuries, an
apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings.
-- H. L. Mencken
%%
"The truth knocks on the door and you say, 
"Go away, I'm looking for the truth," and so
it goes away.  Puzzling."
-- Robert Pirsig (quoted in Zen_To_Go, Jon Winokur)
%%
"The truth of our faith becomes a matter of ridicule among the infidels if
 any Catholic, not gifted with the necessary scientific learning, presents
 as dogma what scientific scrutiny shows to be false."
-- Saint Thomas Aquinas
%%
The typical page layout program is nothing more than an electronic
light table for cutting and pasting documents.
%%
The unique operations of the (human) brain are the result of natural selection
operating through the filter of culture.  They have suspended us between the
two antipodal ideals of nature and machine, forest and city, the natural and
the artifactual, relentlessly seeking, in the words of geographer Yi-Fu Tuan,
an equilibrium not of this world.
-- Edward O. Wilson, "Biophilia"
%%
"The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow
 sharper."
-- Eden Phillpots
%%
The universe is laughing behind your back.
%%
"The universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we *can*
 suppose."
-- J.B.S. Haldane
%%
The universe is their oyster, and they like it raw.
-- M. Howarth, referring to Those Annoying Post Brothers.
%%
The unnatural, that too is natural.
-- Goethe
%%
"The urge to destroy is also a creative urge."
-- Bakunin
[ed. note - I would say: The urge to destroy may sometimes be a creative urge.]
%%
"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 
 regarded as a criminal offense."
-- E. W. Dijkstra (1982)
%%
"The use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension
 of the Blues Brothers has been approved."
%%
"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children 
 produce adults."
-- Peter De Vries
%%
"The vast majority of successful major crimes against property are
 perpetrated by individuals abusing positions of trust."
-- Lawrence Dalzell
%%
The vigor of civilized societies is preserved by the widespread sense
that high aims are worth-while.  Vigorous societies harbor a certain
extravagance of objectives, so that men wander beyond the safe
provision of personal gratifications.  All strong interests easily
become impersonal, the love of a good job well done.  There is a sense
of harmony about such an accomplishment, the Peace brought by
something worth-while.
-- Alfred North Whitehead, 1963, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%%
"The voters have spoken, the bastards..."
-- unknown
%%
"The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones."
-- Nathaniel Howe
%%
"The weed of crime bears bitter fruit."
-- The Shadow
%%
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
-- Wavy Gravy
%%
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so
 certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
-- Bertrand Russell
%%
"The wife you save may be your own."
-- Unofficial slogan of supporters of one of FDR's sons,
   a notorious womanizer, during the son's first congressional race
%%
	The wise man's eyes are in his head; but the fool walketh in darkness:
and I myself perceived also that one event happeneth to them all.
	Then said I in my heart, As it happeneth to the fool so it happeneth
even to me; and why was I then more wise?  Then I said in my heart, that this
is also vanity.
	For there is no remembrance of the wise more than of the fool for ever;
seeing that which now is in the days to come shall all be forgotten.  And how
dieth the wise man?  As the fool.
-- Ecclesiastes 2:14-16
%%
"The woman of my dreams knows how to break into systems."
-- Doug Tygar
%%
The world is coming to an end--save your buffers!
%%
"The world is coming to an end.  Please log off."
-- Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)
%%
The world is no nursery.
-- Sigmund Freud
%%
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
-- Father Robert F. Capon
%%
"The worst thing is when you have to kill someone you love
 because they're SATAN."
-- Judy Tenuda
%%
"Theater, art, literature, cinema... must be cleansed of all manifestations of 
 our rotting world..."
-- Adolf Hitler
%%
Theorem: Every horse has an infinite number of legs

 Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs,
 and in front they have fore legs.  This makes six legs, which is
 certainly an odd number of legs for a horse.  The only number
 that is both odd and even is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an
 infinite number of legs.
-- From "On the Nature of Mathematical Proofs", Joel Cohen
%%
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
-- Winston Churchill
%%
There are bugs and then there are bugs.  And then there are bugs.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.
%%
There are no saints, only unrecognized villains.
%%
"There are some good people in it, but the orchestra as a whole is equivalent
 to a gang bent on destruction."
-- John Cage, composer
%%
"There are some people who take a nickel's worth of knowledge and sit on it
 as if it were an Incan treasure."
-- unknown
%%
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them."
-- Heisenberg
%%
There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it  2) The rest of us
%%
"There are two was to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to
 doubt everything.  Both ways save us from thinking."
-- Alfred Korzybski
%%
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare
%%
There are two ways to improve on human factors in computing:
	Make the programmers less stupid and/or make the users less stupid.  
	Both are necessary, neither are likely.

-- Digital Teddy Bear (dlarson@blake.acs.washington.edu)
%%
There are very few problems which can't be solved by ripping a hole in reality.
%%
"There can be no offense where none is taken" 
-- Japanese proverb
%%
"There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the
 possible exception of the sword."
-- Benjamin Dana
%%
"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan
 for."
-- Fred Hoyle
%%
There is a difference between "celibate" and simply "not getting any".
It's like the difference between "fast" and "starve".

After all of Esther's posts, I still can't figure out exactly which
category she fits into.  Let's see if I can make this plain.  Esther:

  If Mel Gibson offered you a doughnut, would you eat it?

-- Ajay Jain
%%
There is a time in the tides of men,
Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
On the other hand, don't count on it.
-- T. K. Lawson
%%
"There is absolutely nothing loving about sex .... Lust is as destructive of
 love inside the marriage as it is outside."
-- Fr. John H. McGoey, Family Planning Educator, Human Life International
    Symposium on Human Sexuality, 4/25/86, as quoted in "The Far
    Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"There is also a thriving independent student movement in Poland, and thus
 there is a strong possibility (though no guarantee) of making an EARN-Poland
 link, should it ever come about, a genuine link - not a vacuum cleaner
 attachment for a Bloc information gathering apparatus rationed to trusted
 apparatchiks."
-- David Phillips, SUNY at Buffalo, about establishing a
   gateway from EARN (European Academic Research Network)
   to Poland
%%
"There is considerable evidence that great empires and civilizations have been
 undone not by barbarian invaders but by climatic change."
-- 1977 CIA report
%%
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum."
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
"There is no Father Christmas.  It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
 parents' lives a misery."
  "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears
   because of what you just said."
"I want you to picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't
 pay for one Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!"
- Filthy Rich and Catflap, 1986
%%
"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing 
 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries 
 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. 
 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward 
 striving of the human race."
- Alfred North Whitehead
%%
"There is no difference between killing a four year-old child and aborting a
 pre-born 3-month-old [fetus]."
-- Randall Terry, Executive Director, Operation Rescue, in his film,
    "Higher Laws", as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves,"
    a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"There is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"There is no doubt I should be tarred and feathered." 
-- Richard Sexton
%%
"There is no idea so sacred that it cannot be questioned, analyzed...
 and ridiculed."
-- Cal Keegan
%%
"There is no knowledge that is not power."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
"There is no law that vulgarity and literary excellence cannot coexist."
-- A. Trevor Hodge
%%
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
%%
"There is no statute of limitations on stupidity."
-- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.
%%
There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
%%
There is nothing in this world constant but inconstancy.
-- Swift
%%
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things 
 we don't know yet."
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
"There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity to
 do great and wonderful things, if we wish to stimulate them in an active way."
- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
%%
There is something you must understand about the Soviet system.  They have the
ability to concentrate all their efforts on a given design, and develop all
components simultaneously, but sometimes without proper testing.  Then they end
up with a technological disaster like the Tu-144.  In a technology race at
the time, that aircraft was two months ahead of the Concorde.  Four Tu-144s
were built; two have crashed, and two are in museums.  The Concorde has been
flying safely for over 10 years.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
%%
"There is such a fine line between genius and stupidity."
-- David St. Hubbins, "Spinal Tap"
%%
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
on his own account.  The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
even highly probable.
-- H. L. Mencken, 1930
%%
"There must be some mistake," he said, "are you not a greater computer than
 the Milliard Gargantubrain which can count all the atoms in a star in a
 millisecond?"
  "The Milliard Gargantubrain?" said Deep Thought with unconcealed contempt.
  "A mere abacus.  Mention it not."
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
"There was a vague, unpleasant manginess about his appearance; he somehow
 seemed dirty, though a close glance showed him as carefully shaven as an
 actor, and clad in immaculate linen."
-- H.L. Mencken, on the death of William Jennings Bryan
%%
"There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of
 pure chance..."
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%%
"There was nothing I hated more than to see a filthy old drunkie, a howling
 away at the sons of his father and going blurp blurp in between as if it were
 a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts.  I could never stand to
 see anyone like that, especially when they were old like this one was."
- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
%%
There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, in
one way or another, almost every member of the team passed.  The term that
the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the practice --
was `signing up.'  By signing up for the project you agreed to do whatever
was necessary for success.  You agreed to forsake, if necessary, family,
hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left (and you might not, if
you had signed up too many times before).
-- Tracy Kidder, _The Soul of a New Machine_
%%
There you go man,
Keep as cool as you can.
It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave.
Keep on being free!
%%
There's a bug somewhere in your code.
%%
"There's a lovely paper which compares Unix to Zork in both cognitive and
 user motivational terms.  Maybe you like Unix because it's an adventure
 game?  Still, I just don't think Unix will succeed as a theme park (some
 small fraction of :-)"
-- Bruce Cohen
%%
"There's always been Tower of Babel sort of bickering inside Unix, but this
 is the most extreme form ever.  This means at least several years of
 confusion."
-- Bill Gates, founder and chairman of Microsoft, 
   about the Open Systems Foundation
%%
"There's nothing remarkable about it.  All one has to do is hit the right
 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself."
-- J. S. Bach
%%
"There's nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level
 wouldn't cure. "
-- Ross MacDonald
%%
"There's one constant in buying a suit:  It should fit."
-- The Houston Chronicle, 3/15/90
%%
"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it 
 is I'll get married again."
-- Clint Eastwood
%%
"There... I've run rings 'round you logically"
-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
%%
"Therefore, one should never admit a garrison larger than one's own forces,
 especially when composed of barbarians."
-- Polybios, writing in the mid-2nd century BC (paraphrased), after an 
   account of the betrayal of Epeiros by its mercenary Gallic garrison to a
   passing fleet of Illyrian pirates. "Barbarians", of course, in the original
   sense of "non-Greeks"; "non-Arabs" or "non-Muslims" perhaps, in the Saudi 
   case. -- Duncan Head
%%
"These are actually chunks of lung itself being coughed up.  I don't
 understand exactly what it is, but God has healed you right now.
 Amen."
-- Televangelist Pat Robertson
%%
"These dogs, I tell you, they are so smart, but they worry me
 sometimes.  For instance, I'm plucking this pale yellow cottage
 cheesy guck from their snouts, rather like cheese atop a microwave
 pizza, and I have this horrible feeling, for I suspect these dogs
 (even though their winsome black mongrel eyes would have me believe
 otherwise) have been rummaging through the dumpsters out behind the
 cosmetic surgery center again, and their snouts are accessorized
 with, dare I say, yuppie liposuction fat.  How they manage to break
 into the California state regulation coyote-proof red plastic flesh
 disposal bags is beyond me.  I guess the doctors are being naughty or
 lazy.  Or both."
-- Douglas Coupland, from _Generation X_ (Tales for an Accelerated Culture) 
%%
  These mysterious lines were seen on Arnold's visual display:

        LDA $FF
        STA $20
        TYX
        TAY
        LDX #$1B
        PHA

  It becomes curiouser and curiouser when one notes the clearly
  bitmapped, smooth scrolling characters.  A theory: 2 68000's
  control the display, while the 6502 is his brain.  AHA! you say --
  How could he ride a motorcycle like that with only 64K of
  addressable RAM?  Answer: Bank switching.
%%
"These patriots don't mince words... Okay, sure, they *are* dangerous, 
 hopelessly ignorant, inbred, retarded borderline lunatics with an
 insatiable lust for the blood of sinners -- but at least they're *honest*
 about it."
-- Reverend Ivan Stang, cofounder of the Church of the Subgenius, about
   a group known as Free Love Ministries, in his book _High Weirdness By Mail_
%%
These screamingly hilarious gogs ensure owners of X Ray Gogs will be the life
of any party.
-- X-Ray Gogs Instructions
%%
"They [La Prensa] accused us of suppressing freedom of expression.  This was a
 lie and we could not let them publish it."
-- Nelba Blandon, Interior Ministry Director of Censorship, quoted in
   The New York Times, 1984
%%
They [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approach
of daylight and scowl on the fatal harbinger announcing the subversions
of the duperies on which they live.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
They are all fickle but one, sir.
-- A West Point Cadet's answer to, "How are they all?" 
     (Suggestions as to what this could have meant are appreciated).
%%
"They communicated by tap-dancing and farting."
-- _Breakfast_of_Champions_
%%
They don't make nostalgia like they used to.
%%
"They know your name, address, telephone number, credit card numbers, who ELSE
 is driving the car "for insurance", ...  your driver's license number. In the
 state of Massachusetts, this is the same number as that used for Social
 Security, unless you object to such use. In THAT case, you are ASSIGNED a
 number and you reside forever more on the list of "weird people who don't give
 out their Social Security Number in Massachusetts."
-- Arthur Miller
%%
"They ought to make butt-flavored cat food."   --Gallagher
%%
``They should open the ground and throw them in,'' she said. ``They should put 
  them in a pit and let them rot.'' ``Putting them in jail would be too easy,''
  she added. ``They could eat and enjoy life.''
	Tedillo said she paid to have her 13-year-old Chihuahua, ``Poopsie,''
individually cremated and his ashes returned to her.  ``I received the ashes,
but you can imagine whose they might be,'' she said.
-- Pet Owner Rose Tedillo, quoted in UPI article "Enraged pet owners curse 
   cemetery owners", 7/9/91
%%
"They smell, they snarl and they scratch; they have a singular aptitude for
 shredding rugs, drapes and upholstery; they're sneaky, selfish and not at
 all smart; they are disloyal, condescending and totally useless in any
 rodent-free environment."  
-- Jean-Michel Chapereau, on cats
%%
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
 safety deserve neither liberty not safety."
-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
%%
"They thought to use and shame me but I win out by nature, because a true
 freak cannot be made.  A true freak must be born."
-- K. Dunn, _Geek Love_
%%
"They, they've got guys who'll go in and knock their heads off."
-- Richard Nixon, May 5, 1971, discussing a proposal to use Teamsters Union
    members to attack Vietnam War protestors

"Sure, Murderers.  Guys that really, you know, that's what they really do.
 It's the regular strikebuster types and all that... They're going to beat
 the shit out of some of these people.  And, uh, hope they really hurt 'em.
 You know, I mean go in... and smash some noses."
-- H. R. Haldeman's response
%%
Things are always at their best in the beginning.
-- Pascal
%%
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
Things are not as simple as they seems at first.
-- Edward Thorp
%%
"Things could be worse.  Suppose your errors were counted and published every
 day, like those of a baseball player."
-- Anonymous
%%
Think it's time I'm leavin' / Nothin' here to make me stay.
-- Led Zeppelin
%%
"Thinking small-minded is when you see your bus on the other side of the
 street and wish you could teleport across to catch it."
-- Kenneth Arromdee (arromdee@cs.jhu.edu)
%%
This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms 
industry is now in the American experience... We must not fail to 
comprehend its grave implications... We must guard against the 
acquisition of unwarranted influence...by the military-industrial
complex.  The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power
exists and will persist.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, from his farewell address in 1961
%%
"This could be the greatest night of our lives--but you're going to let
 it be the worst!"
-- John Blutarski
%%
	This cowboy looked at me and said
	With a sort of a smile,
	"A sorry hand is in the way all the time,
	 A good one just once in awhile."

-- Cowgirl poet Georgie Sicking
%%
"This generation may be the one that will face Armageddon."
-- Ronald Reagan, "People" magazine, December 26, 1985
%%
This is a serious lapse of taste and judgment but does not imply that they
are stupid, lazy, or incompetent.  Indeed, their intelligence, diligence,
and competence in service to the x86 are all too depressingly obvious.
-- Henry Spencer (henry@zoo.toronto.edu)
%%
"This is no time for consensus government.  It's a time for leadership.  The 
 average citizen doesn't know what the stakes are in Vietnam."
-- Richard M. Nixon, February 11, 1965
%%
This is now.  Later is later.
%%
"This is the life.  To be young, stupid, and have no future at all.  I love
 Brooklyn!"
-- Dan Akyroyd, "Samurai Night Fever", Saturday Night Live
%%
This is, of course, totally uninformed speculation that I engage in to help 
support my bias against such meddling... but there you have it.
-- Peter da Silva, speculating about why a computer program that had been
    changed to do something he didn't approve of, didn't work
%%
"This knowledge I pursue is the finest pleasure I have ever known.  I could
 no sooner give it up that I could the very air that I breath."
-- Paolo Uccello, Renaissance artist, discoverer of the laws of perspective
%%
  This might be the time Nostradamus was referring to when he wrote, "The
  Centaur shall fix the broken toys, resurrect the dead chrysanthemums and 
  devour the half-eaten cake of love."
--  Brezsny's Real Astrology
%%
"This one's got a lot more, uh, 640K that it can memorize."
-- CVN cable TV shopping channel
%%
This passage was written by a London reporter on the eve of the England-West
Germany Soccer World Cup final of 1966... 
 
"If, on the morrow, the Germans defeat us at our national sport, be not
dismayed.  For twice in this century, we've defeated them at theirs."

-- From the San Jose Mercury News, 7 July 1990
%%
This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered
french toast in the renaissance.
-- Steven Wright, comedian
%%
This ring, no other was made by the Elves
Who'd pawn their own mothers to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop!

The power Almighty rests in this lone ring,
The power, allrighty, to do-your-own-thing!
If busted or broken it cannot be remade,
If found, send to Sorehed, the postage is pre-paid!

-- Inscription inside the Fell Ring, as read by Goodgulf Grayteeth.
     National Lampoon's _Bored of The Rings_
%%
"This was it. This was what he was, who he was, his being. He forgot to eat.
 Sometimes he'd resent having to leave the deck to use the toilet..."
-- William Gibson, _Neuromancer_
%%
This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks -- to have
a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines,
no wires, no controls.
-- Michael Swanwick, "Vacuum Flowers"
%%
"This will be dynamically handled, possibly correctly, in 4.1."
-- Dan Davison on streams configuration in SunOS 4.0
%%
Thoreau's Law:
 If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good,
 you should run for your life.
%%
"Those components (that software) which runs fastest and most reliable
 are those which aren't there."
-- Gordon Bell
%%
Those of us who believe in the right of any human being to belong to whatever
church he sees fit, and to worship God in his own way, cannot be accused
of prejudice when we do not want to see public education connected with
religious control of the schools, which are paid for by taxpayers' money.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%%
"Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
 Silly Putty."
-  Dennis Rawlins, astronomer
%%
Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their
hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt,
without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only
in the God idea, not God Himself.
-- Miguel de Unamuno, Spanish philosopher and writer
%%
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
-- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack
%%
"Those who will be able to conquer software will be able to conquer the world."
-- Tadahiro Sekimoto, president, NEC Corp.
%%
"Those who worked the hardest are the last to surrender."
-- Gary Ward
%%
"Though a program be but three lines long,
 someday it will have to be maintained."
-- The Tao of Programming
%%
Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night,
I can see paradise by the dashboard light.
-- Meatloaf
%%
Thufir's a Harkonnen now.
%%
	Tie?  You want me to wear a *tie*?  Listen:  There's only one time in
a man's life when he should have a rope knotted around his neck, and that
time ain't yet come for me.
-- Canada Bill Jones
%%
Till then we shall be content to admit openly, what you (religionists)
whisper under your breath or hide in technical jargon, that the ancient
secret is a secret still; that man knows nothing of the Infinite and
Absolute; and that, knowing nothing, he had better not be dogmatic about
his ignorance.  And, meanwhile, we will endeavour to be as charitable as
possible, and whilst you trumpet forth officially your contempt for our
skepticism, we will at least try to believe that you are imposed upon
by your own bluster.
-- Leslie Stephen, "An agnostic's Apology", Fortnightly Review, 1876
%%
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
-- Frequently attributed to Groucho Marx
%%
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
-- Graffiti
%%
"Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so."
-- Ford Prefect, _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
%%
"Time is money and money can't buy you love and I love your outfit"
-- T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1
%%
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
%%
	Time, because it is so fleeting, time, because it is beyond recall, is
the most precious of human goods and to squander it is the most delicate form
of dissipation in which man can indulge.
-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Bum"
%%
"Times are bad.  Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is
 writing a book." 
-- Cicero
%%
"'Tis not too late to seek a newer world."
-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson
%%
"'Tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true."
-- Poloniouius, in Willie the Shake's _Hamlet, Prince of Darkness_
%%
"To IBM, 'open' means there is a modicum of interoperability among
 some of their equipment."
-- Harv Masterson
%%
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"To be against abortion and not against contraception -- it makes no sense
 because both of them are the same mentality."
-- Nancy O'Brien, Anti-Choice Activist, introducing Joan Andrews, 3/11/89,
    as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned
    Parenthood pamphlet
%%
To be awake is to be alive.
-- Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden"
%%
"To be good, according to the vulgar standard of goodness, is obviously 
 quite easy.  It merely requires a certain amount of sordid terror, 
 a certain lack of imaginative thought, and a certain low passion for 
 middle-class respectability."
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
To be is to program.
-- Calvin Keegan
%%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the
target.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
To be, or what?
-- Sylvester Stallone
%%
"To block hats, that is everything."
-- character in a Woody Allen short story
%%
To date, the firm conclusions of Project Blue Book are:
   1. no unidentified flying object reported, investigated and evaluated
      by the Air Force has ever given any indication of threat to our
      national security;
   2. there has been no evidence submitted to or discovered by the Air
      Force that sightings categorized as UNIDENTIFIED represent
      technological developments or principles beyond the range of
      present-day scientific knowledge; and
   3. there has been no evidence indicating that sightings categorized
      as UNIDENTIFIED are extraterrestrial vehicles.
-- the summary of Project Blue Book, an Air Force study of UFOs from 1950
     to 1965, as quoted by James Randi in Flim-Flam!
%%
To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.
-- C. K. Chesterton
%%
"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its 
 programmer."
- Morris Kingston
%%
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%%
To err is human, to really foul up requires the root password.
%%
To follow foolish precedents, and wink
With both our eyes, is easier than to think.
-- William Cowper
%%
"To have a horror of the bourgeois is bourgeois."
-- Jules Renard
%%
To know the world one must construct it.
-- Cesare Pavese
%%
"To me, on of the most exciting things in the world is being poor, and
 survival, such an exciting challenge."
-- Thomas S. Monaghan, Founder, Domino's Pizza and Legatus, "National Catholic
   Reporter", 3/23/90, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves,"
   a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
To program anything that is programmable is obsession.
%%
To program is to be.
%%
"To program is to understand."
-- Kristen Nygaard
%%
"To rebel against a powerful political, economic, religious, or social
 estab- lishment is very dangerous and very few people do it, except,
 perhaps, as part of a mob. To rebel against the "scientific"
 establishment, however, is the easiest thing in the world, and anyone
 can do it and feel enormously brave, without risking as much as a
 hangnail. Thus, the vast majority, who believe in astrology and think
 that the planets have nothing better to do than form a code that will
 tell them whether tomorrow is a good day to close a business deal or
 not, become all the more excited and enthusiastic about the bilge
 when a group of astronomers denounces it."
-- Isaac Asimov
%%
"To steal from a thief is not theft.  It is merely irony."
-- Zorro, while retrieving money taxed from Californians
%%
"To steal from one person is theft.  To steal from many is taxation."
-- Daiell's Law (a take-off on Felson's Law)
%%
"To take a significant step forward, you must make a series of finite 
 improvements."
-- Donald J. Atwood, General Motors
%%
"'To the Workers of the world, I am sorry.' -- Karl Marx"
-- Seen on the side of an East German factory
%%
	To the habitual reader, reading is a drug of which he is the slave;
deprive him of printed matter and he grows nervous, moody, and restless; then,
like the alcoholic bereft of brandy who will drink shellac or methylated
spirit, he will make do with the advertisements of a paper five years old; he
will make do with a telephone directory.
-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Bum"
%%
To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a
test load.
%%
To think is human, to compute, divine.
%%
"To undertake a project, as the word's derivation indicates, means to cast an
 idea out ahead of oneself so that it gains autonomy and is fulfilled not only
 by the efforts of its originator but, indeed, independently of him as well.
-- Czeslaw Milosz
%%
To update Voltaire, "I may kill all msgs from you, but I'll fight for 
your right to post it, and I'll let it reside on my disks". 
-- Doug Thompson (doug@isishq.FIDONET.ORG)
%%
To write good code is a worthy challenge, and a source of civilized delight.
-- stolen and paraphrased from William Safire
%%
"To your left is the marina where several senior cabinet officials keep luxury 
 yachts for weekend cruises on the Potomac.  Some of these ships are up to 100 
 feet in length; the Presidential yacht is over 200 feet in length, and can 
 remain submerged for up to 3 weeks."
-- Garrison Keillor
%%
Today is the last day of your life so far.
%%
"Today there may be more Marxists on the Harvard faculty than in Eastern 
 Europe."
-- George Will
%%
"Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few
 simple instructions such as 'go left', 'go right', and 'build car'."
-- John Sladek
%%
"Toroidal carbohydrate modules?  Make mine glazed!"
-- Zippy
%%
"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you get 
 to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
-- David Letterman
%%
Trailing Edge Technologies is pleased to announce the following
TETflame programme:

1) For a negotiated price (no quatloos accepted) one of our flaming
   representatives will flame the living shit out of the poster of
   your choice. The price is inversely proportional to how much of
   an asshole the target is. We cannot be convinced to flame Dennis
   Ritchie. Matt Crawford flames are free.

2) For a negotiated price (same arrangement) the TETflame programme
   is offering ``flame insurance''. Under this arrangement, if
   one of our policy holders is flamed, we will cancel the offending
   article and flame the flamer, to a crisp.

3) The TETflame flaming representatives include: Richard Sexton, Oleg
   Kisalev, Diane Holt, Trish O'Tauma, Dave Hill, Greg Nowak and our most
   recent acquisition, Keith Doyle. But all he will do is put you in his
   kill file. Weemba by special arrangement.

-- Richard Sexton
%%
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!
%%
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be prosecuted.
%%
"Trust me.  I know what I'm doing."
-- Sledge Hammer
%%
Truth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind...
- Percy Bysshe Shelley
%%
"Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
 of him that brought her birth."
-- Milton
%%
"'Truth' never set anyone free. It is only *doubt* which will bring mental
 emancipation."
--Anton LaVey
%%
Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
%%
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE: For those who like to load their own rounds before shooting
        themselves in the foot.
-- rhsmith
%%
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
CLIPPER:  You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you 
        can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the 
        bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail
        _REAL_SOON_NOW_.
-- rboatright
%%
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
DBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was
        a poorly-designed granade and the whole building blows up.
-- akarna
%%
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
DBase:  You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowingly that by the
        time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why  you shot 
        yourself anyway.
-- rboatright
%%
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
Forth:  yourself foot shoot.
-- akarna
%%
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
Prolog: You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing
        to find its mark, backtracks into the gun which then explodes in
        your face.
-- BG
%%
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
SQL:    You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it 
        returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at
        the end of your leg.
-- rboatright
%%
"Turn on, tune up, rock out."
-- Billy Gibbons
%%
     Turning and turning in the widening gyre
     The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
     Things fall apart: the centre cannot hold;
     Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
     The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
     The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
     The best lack all conviction, while the worst
     Are filled with a passionate intensity.

     Surely some revelation is at hand;
     Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
     The Second Coming!  Hardly are those words out
     When a vast image out of SPIRITUS MUNDI
     Troubles my sight: somewhere in the sands of the desert
     A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
     A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
     Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
     Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
     The darkness drops again: but now I know
     That twenty centuries of stony sleep
     Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
     And what rough beast, its hour now come at last
     Slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?

-- W. B. Yeats, THE SECOND COMING
%%
Two men once wrote to Mark Twain.  Not having his
address, they marked the envelope,

Mark Twain
God knows where

They received a response from him:  "He did."
%%
Two things are certain about science.  It does not stand still for long,
and it is never boring.  Oh, among some poor souls, including even
intellectuals in fields of high scholarship, science is frequently
misperceived.  Many see it as only a body of facts, promulgated from
on high in must, unintelligible textbooks, a collection of unchanging
precepts defended with authoritarian vigor.  Others view it as nothing
but a cold, dry narrow, plodding, rule-bound process -- the scientific
method: hidebound, linear, and left brained.

These people are the victims of their own stereotypes.  They are
destined to view the world of science with a set of blinders.  They
know nothing of the tumult, cacophony, rambunctiousness, and 
tendentiousness of the actual scientific process, let alone the 
creativity, passion, and joy of discovery.  And they are likely to
know little of the continual procession of new insights and discoveries
that every day, in some way, change our view (if not theirs) of the
natural world.

-- Kendrick Frazier, "The Year in Science: An Overview," in
   1988 Yearbook of Science and the Future, Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc.
%%
"U can c the color of the interior of the [vehicle]... dig."
"Ya stop cars with blk interior."
"Bees they naugahyde."
"Negrohide."
"Self tanning no doubt."
-- LAPD squad-car computer messages, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91
%%
    UNIX Shell is the Best Fourth Generation Programming Language

    It is the UNIX shell that makes it possible to do applications in a small 
    fraction of the code and time it takes in third generation languages.  In 
    the shell you process whole files at a time, instead of only a line at a 
    time.  And, a line of code in the UNIX shell is one or more programs,
    which do more than pages of instructions in a 3GL.  Applications can be
    developed in hours and days, rather than months and years with traditional
    systems.  Most of the other 4GLs available today look more like COBOL or
    RPG, the most tedious of the third generation languages.

-- _UNIX Relational Database Management:  Application Development in the UNIX 
   Environment_ by Rod Manis, Evan Schaffer, and Robert Jorgensen.  Prentice
   Hall Software Series.  Brian Kernighan, Advisor.  1988.
%%
"UNIX should be used as an adjective." 
-- AT&T
%%
UNIX was never designed to keep people from doing stupid things,
because that policy would also keep them from doing clever things.
-- Doug Gwyn (1 Aug 90)
%%
"US out of North America, NOW!!"
-- Richard O'Rourke
%%
"US/Western repression of sexual knowledge and expression has left our twelve
 year olds less capable to deal with sex, and this justifies repression of 
 sexual knowledge and expression to our twelve year olds."
-- Kent, our man from Xanth, commenting on the Netherland's
     new age of consent: 12
%%
Uh-oh.  Atarians can't hold a candle to the insecurity of Mac owners.  You 
rankled Mac owners who feel the need defend yourself, please do so by flaming 
in private.  And don't start something you can't finish.  I'm sure Apple's OS 
for the 68000-based Macintoshs will support multitasking just as soon as Jean 
Louis-Gasse invents it.  In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to make 
sure other systems that have advanced the state of personal computers don't
enter your peripheral vision.  You'll be a lot happier, we'll be a lot happier.
-- Chuck McManis (cmcmanis@sun.com)
%%
"Umm, square root of two?  Ouch!"
-- The guy who blew a hole in the Pythagoreans' assertion that all numbers can
   be represented as a ratio of two integers, so they killed him
%%
Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation.
-- Blaise Pascal
%%
Uncompensated overtime?  Just Say No.
%%
"Under active consideration": We're searching the files for it.
-- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance
under which you can be booked.
-- Robert D. Sprecht (Rand Corp)
%%
"Under consideration": We never heard of it.
-- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
"Unemployment is an inconvenience."
-- John F. Haugh II
%%
Unfair competition: Selling cheaper than we do.
-- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
"Unibus timeout fatal trap program lost sorry"
-- An error message printed by DEC's RSTS operating system for the PDP-11
%%
University: A modern school where football is taught.
%%
Unix:  Some say the learning curve is steep, but you only have to
       climb it once.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"Unix: a moment of convenience, a lifetime of regret." 
-- old ITS hacker saying
%%
Unix: it's a nice place to live, but you wouldn't want to visit there.
%%
"Unless you are very rich and very eccentric, you will not enjoy the luxury of 
 a computer in your own home."
-- Edward Yourdon, 1975.
%%
"Unlike most net.puritans, however, I feel that what OTHER consenting computers
 do in the privacy of their own phone connections is their own business."
-- John Woods, jfw@eddie.mit.edu
%%
"Unlimited campaign spending eats at the heart of the democratic process."
-- Barry Goldwater
%%
"Until hard evidence is obtained and corroborated, the American people should
 not be frightened into believing that babies are being bred and eaten, that
 50,000 missing children are being murdered in human sacrifices, or that
 satanists are taking over America's day care centers...  An unjustified
 crusade against those perceived as satanists could result in wasted resources,
 unwarranted damage to reputations, and disruption of civil liberties."
-- Kenneth Lanning, head of the FBI's special unit in charge of
    investigating claims about satanic-cult crimes, in a report
    of his findings, June, 1989
%%
Use the Force, Luke.
%%
"Using an IBM PC is like juggling straight razors.
 Using a Mac is like shaving with a bowling pin."
-- Ted Nelson, _Computer Lib_
%%
"VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use Unix."
-- Bill Davidsen (davidsen@crdos1.crd.GE.COM)
%%
"VMS isn't an operating system, it's a playpen for DEC system programmers."
-- Herb Blashtfalt
%%
VMS must die!
%%
"Vendi, vidi, parenthesi" -- I came, I saw, I programmed in Lisp!"
-- Dave W. Kimball
%%
Vertical fragmentation is an inescapable part of technological
progress. If we compare the 8085 to the 80386 or a MIPS RISC CPU, we
can hardly expect to transparently preserve our entire intellectual
investment in the 8085 when we move up to new hardware with vastly
greater underlying capability. The bloodshed involved in upgrading is
highly variable. Since computers are in theory general-purpose
information processors, with the appropriate software tools the user
can "mine" old information and use it on new hardware. Nonetheless,
when hardware advances become revolutionary enough we eventually have
to throw out some of our old standards. In this case we face a clear
trade between the cost of junking our investment in our earlier ways
of doing things vs. foregoing the potential benefits of new and better
hardware. The bigger the previous investment, the bigger the benefits
of upgrading have to be before vertical fragmentation is justifiable.
-- Dan Mocsny (dmocsny@uceng.uc.edu)
%%
Victory or defeat!
%%
Vique's Law:
 A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
%%
Voodoo Programming:  Things programmers do that they know shouldn't work but
they try anyway, and which sometimes actually work, such as recompiling
everything.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"Waiter, there's no fly in my soup!"
-- Kermit the frog
%%
"War is Hell."
-- General William Sherman
%%
"War is like love; it always finds a way."
-- Bertold Brecht
%%
"War is the health of the State."
-- Proudhon (?)
%%
"War... is something that occurs not between man and man, but between States.
 The individuals who become involved in it are enemies only by accident."
-- Rousseau
%%
"We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb 
 your cities."
-- Robin Williams, _Good Morning Vietnam_
%%
"We all say so, so it must be true."
-- the Bandar-log (monkey tribe), in Rudyard Kipling's _Jungle Book_
%%
"We all worry about the population explosion -- but we don't worry about it at
 the right time."
-- Arthur Hoppe
%%
"We are ... opposed to all forms of birth control with the exception of natural
 family planning [the rhythm method.]"
-- Judie Brown, President, American Life Lobby
%%
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
"We are not endeavoring to chain the future but to free the present. ... We are
 the advocates of inquiry, investigation, and thought. ... It is grander to 
 think and investigate for yourself than to repeat a creed. ... I look for the
 day when *reason*, throned upon the world's brains, shall be the King of Kings
 and the God of Gods."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
"We are on a threshold of a change in the universe comparable to the transition
 from nonlife to life."
-- Hans Moravec (on artificial intelligence)
%%
"We are starting a movement in the state legislatures...to forbid the
 installation of clinics that dispense contraceptives."
-- Phyllis Schlafly, President, Eagle Forum
%%
"We are totally opposed to abortion under any circumstances.  We are opposed
 to abortifacient drugs and chemicals like the Pill and the IUD, and we are
 also opposed to all forms of birth control with the exception of natural
 family planning."
-- Judie Brown, President, American Life League, Population Institute
    advertisement, "How Dense Can We Get?", The New York Times, 10/6/85,
    as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned
    Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"We are what we are and it's never enough."
-- Chris de Burgh
%%
We are what we pretend to be.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, JR
%%
"We came.  We saw.  We kicked its ass."
-- Bill Murray, _Ghostbusters_
%%
"We can no more blame our loss of freedom on congressmen than we can 
 prostitution on pimps.  Both simply provide broker services for their 
 customers."
-- Dr. W Williams
%%
"We can't allow the people to interfere with the smooth flow of democracy."
-- Kitchener city council member
%%
"We can't schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting."
--Stanley Sutton
%%
"We cannot put off living until we are ready.  The most salient characteristic
 of life is its coerciveness; it is always urgent, "here and now," without any
 possible postponement.  Life is fired at us point blank."
-- Ortega y Gasset
%%
"We dare not tempt them with weakness.  For only when our arms are sufficient
 beyond doubt can we be certain beyond doubt that they will never be employed."
-- John F. Kennedy (from his Inaugural Address)
%%
We decided it was night again, so we camped for twenty minutes and drank 
another six beers at a Young Life campsite.  O.C. got into the supervisory 
adult's sleeping bag and ran around in it.  "This is the judgment day and I'm 
a terrifying apparition," he screamed.  Then the heat made O.C. ralph in the
bag.
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs,
   National Lampoon, October 1982
%%
"We dedicated ourselves to a powerful idea -- organic law rather than naked
 power.  There seems to be universal acceptance of that idea in the nation."
-- Supreme Court Justice Potter Steart
%%
"We demand source because we've been burned too much by its lack, not because
 we have this desire to add custom hacks to our kernels or utilities. Believe
 me, we'd all like to run stock systems, straight off the vendor distribution
 tapes; it'd be significantly less work.  But our users have this liking for
 working systems and prompt fixes for the bugs they find, neither of which the
 vendors we buy from have been particularly good in supplying."
-- cks@hawkwind.utcs.toronto.edu
%%
"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand."
-- James Watt
%%
"We don't inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our
 children."
-- David Brower
%%
We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
-- John Culkin
%%
"We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of
 human rights."
-- Dan Quayle, El Salvador, Feb 1989
%%
"We fall into error if we attribute to strategy a power
  independent of tactical results."
-- Karl von Clausewitz, On War
%%
"We fight for men and women whose poetry is not yet written."
-- Robert Gould Shaw, abolitionist
%%
"We find that the sexual instinct, when disappointed and unappeased,
 frequently seeks and finds a substitute in religion."
-- Baron Richard Von Krafft-Ebing
%%
"We have luck only with women -- not spacecraft!"
-- R. Kremnev, builder of failed Soviet FOBOS probes
%%
"We have met the enemy and he is us"
- Walt Kelly (in POGO)
%%
"We have ways to make you scream." 
-- Intel advertisement, in the June 1989 Doctor Dobbs Journal
%%
"We hold that each man is the best judge of his own interest."
-- John Adams
%%
"We jumped into this area without knowing what we were jumping into."
-- Hubert H. Humphrey, October 22, 1969
%%
"We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road.  They get
 run over."
-- Aneurin Bevan
%%
"We learn from history that we learn nothing from history."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"We live, in a very kooky time."
-- Herb Blashtfalt
%%
"We love your adherence to democratic principles."
-- Vice President George Bush, to Ferdinand Marcos
%%
We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should
govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the
center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major
prophet, nor Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual 
concerns, to say nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get
Christians to agree among themselves about their relationship to God.
But all will agree on a proposition that they possess profound spiritual
resources.  If, in addition, we can get them to accept the further
proposition that whatever form the Deity may have in their own theology,
the Deity is not only external, but internal and acts through them, and
they themselves give proof or disproof of the Deity in what they do and
think; if this further proposition can be accepted, then we come that
much closer to a truly religious situation on earth.
-- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
%%
"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
 - Benjamin Franklin
%%
"We must either institute conventional forms of expression or else pretend
 that we have nothing to express."
-- George Santayana, _Soliloquies In England_
%%
"We must make unceasingly clear to Hanoi that we do not seek nor will we accept
 a camouflaged surrender which would inevitably result in the United States 
 writing off Southeast Asia."
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, July 30, 1968
%%
"We must never forget that if the war in Vietnam is lost... the right of
 free speech will be extinguished throughout the world."
-- Richard Milhouse Nixon, 10/27/65
%%
"We need a new cosmology.  New Gods.  New Sacraments.  Another drink."
-- Patti Smith
%%
"We need to take a look at [the Constitution] and maybe, from time to time, we 
 should curtail some of those rights."
-- Chicago Police Superintendent LeRoy Martin, 7/91
%%
"We never make assertions, Miss Taggart," said Hugh Akston.  "That is
 the moral crime peculiar to our enemies.  We do not tell -- we *show*.
 We do not claim -- we *prove*."  
-- Ayn Rand, _Atlas Shrugged_
%%
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
%%
"We plan absentee ownership.  I'll stick to building ships."
-- George Steinbrenner, 1973
%%
"We scientists, whose tragic destiny it has been to make the methods
 of annihilation ever more gruesome and more effective, must consider
 it our solemn and transcendent duty to do all in our power in
 preventing these weapons from being used for the brutal purpose for
 which they were invented."
-- Albert Einstein, Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, September 1948
%%
"We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement."
-- Richard J. Daley
%%
We should all remember when Burroughs was using Virtual memory it was said to 
be some kind of technical joke.  But later, hah, it was said to be ok.

And it was because the word had come down from the mountain.

IBM had spoken and the world listened.

The world as it used to be.

Amen.

-- Fred Rump (fr@icdi10.UUCP)
%%
"We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course,
 powerful muscles, but no personality."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
We stand today at a crossroads:  One path leads to despair and utter
hopelessness.  The other leads to total extinction.  Let us hope we have the
wisdom to make the right choice.
-- Woody Allen
%%
"We walked on the moon -- you be polite." 
-- Joni Mitchell
%%
"We want to create puppets that pull their own strings."
-- Ann Marion

"Would this make them Marionettes?"
-- Jeff Daiell
%%
We want to create puppets that pull their own strings.
-- Ann Marion
%%
	"We want to see three things in the 1988 Republican Party Platform...
First, a constitutional amendment banning all abortions in the United States.
Second, increased funding for law enforcement and a mandatory death penalty
for drug dealers.  Third, LESS GOVERNMENT."
-- Speaker at a 1988 Republican Straw Poll in Iowa
%%
"We will be better and braver if we engage and inquire than if we indulge in
 the idle fancy that we already know -- or that it is of no use seeking to
 know what we do not know."
-- Plato
%%
"We will bury you."
-- Nikita Kruschev
%%
We will occasionally use this arrow notation unless there is danger of
no confusion.
-- Ronald Graham, Rudiments of Ramsey Theory
%%
"We will rediscover a [New York City] river so extravagantly polluted that new
 life forms will emerge from it spontaneously, demanding welfare and voting
 rights."
-- Douglas Adams
%%
"We wish to incorporate into the machine -- in the form of circuits --
 only such logical concepts as are either necessary to have a complete
 system or highly convenient because of the frequency with which they
 occur and the influence they exert in the relevant mathematical
 situations."
-- Burks, Goldstine, and von Neumann (1946)
   (from _Computer Stuctures: Readings and Examples_, C. Gordon Bell (ed)
    McGraw-Hill Book Company, (c) 1971, page 97)
%%
"We wish to suggest a structure for the salt of deoxyribose nucleic acid
 (D.N.A.).  This structure has novel features which are of considerable
 biological interest."
-- Watson and Crick, 1953
%%
We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism...
we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying
our nation today...our battle is with Satan himself.
-- Jerry Falwell
%%
"We're going to do it the way we always have -- the super-dumbass way...
 It's what we know."
-- The Lone Contractor
%%
We're here to give you a computer, not a religion.
-- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga
%%
"We're hosed."
-- Next, Inc.'s Steve Jobs said after workstations running a demo program
     crashed at the SPA symposium.
%%
"We're the weirdest monkeys ever."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"We've got a carrot and stick policy, and the carrot is, if he pulls out, he
 doesn't get the stick."
-- James Baker, U.S Secretary of State, 12/5/90, about Saddam Hussein
%%
"We've got everyone convinced except the people who have to make the decision."
-- name withheld by request
%%
Wear me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong
as death, passion cruel as the grave; it blazes up like blazing fire, fiercer
than any flame.
[Song of Solomon 8:6 (NEB)]
%%
Weekends were made for programming.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"Well I don't see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many 
 men happy."
-- Ellyn Mustard, about marriage
%%
"Well hello there Charlie Brown, you blockhead."
-- Lucy Van Pelt
%%
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it?  Still, on the other hand, water is water!  And
 East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them
 like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
 Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
-- Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"
%%
"Well, Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable,
 And Lightness has a call that's hard to hear."
-- Indigo Girls
%%
"Well, it don't make the sun shine, but at least it don't deepen the shit."
-- Straiter Empy, in _Riddley_Walker_ by Russell Hoban
%%
"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it
 for a toilet.  The rides are dilapidated to the point
 of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent
 little children."
  "Oh, so you don't like it?"
"Don't like it?  I'm CRAZY for it."
%%
	Well, punk is kind of anti-ethical, anyway.  Its ethics, so to speak,
include a disdain for ethics in general.  If you have to think about some-
thing so hard, then it's bullshit anyway; that's the idea.  Punks are anti-
ismists, to coin a term.  But nonetheless, they have a pretty clearly defined
stance and image, and THAT is what we hang the term `punk' on.
-- Jeff G. Bone
%%
"Well, social relevance is a schtick, like mysteries, social relevance, 
 science fiction..."
-- Art Spiegelman
%%
  "Well, there were sixty-eight people there, and sixty-two of them had no more
desire to throw a stone than you had."
  "Satan!"
  "Oh, it's true.  I know your race.  It is made up of sheep.  It is governed
by minorities, seldom or never by majorities.  It suppresses its feelings and
its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise.  Sometimes the
noisy handful is right, sometimes wrong; but no matter, the crowd follows it.
The vast majority of the race, whether savage or civilized, are secretly kind-
hearted and shrink from inflicting pain, but in the presence of the aggressive
and pitiless minority they don't dare to assert themselves.  Think of it!  One
kind-hearted creature spies upon another, and sees to it that he loyally helps
in iniquities which revolt both of them.  Speaking as an expert, I know that
ninety-nine out of a hundred of your race were strongly against the killing of
witches when that foolishness was first agitated by a handful of pious lunatics
in the long ago.  And I know that even to-day, after ages of transmitted
prejudice and silly teaching, only one person in twenty puts any real heart
into the harrying of a witch.  And yet apparently everybody hates witches and
wants them killed.  Some day a handful will rise up on the other side and make
the most noise -- perhaps even a single daring man with a big voice and a
determined front will do it -- and in a week all the sheep will wheel and 
follow him, and witch-hunting will come to a sudden end."
-- Mark Twain, _The Mysterious Stranger_
%%
"Well, well, well!  Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
 poison!  How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil?  Come
 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
%%
"Well, you know, it sounds like they've got their own nuts on an anvil and
 they're hammering away at them."
-- Dave Crocker
%%
"Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor
 reptile and not very much of a bird."
-- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a zoologist who has
    studied the archeopteryz and found it "very much like people"
%%
"Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is as follows."

"What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user.  "For I am an End-user
 of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."

"It means the Thing to Do."

"As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.

-- Chris Mathes, uunet!metter!chris, with apologies to C. Robin And W. T. Pooh
%%
Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve.
-- Anonymous
%%
"Were there no women, men might live like gods."
-- Thomas Dekker
%%
"What a hell of a heaven it will be, when they get all these hypocrites
 assembled there!"
-- Mark Twain
%%
"What a pinhead!  Does he not fear us?!"
-- Max
%%
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind -- or not to have a mind at all.
 How true that is."
-- V.P. Dan Quayle, garbling the United Negro College Fund slogan
   in an address to the group (from Newsweek, May 22nd, 1989)
%%
"What a wonder is USENET; such wholesale production of conjecture from
 such a trifling investment in fact."
-- Carl S. Gutekunst
%%
What can a pigeon do that a west Texas oil man can't do anymore?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Mercedes.
%%
"What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?"
-- Irv Kupcinet
%%
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?

A Dan Quayle watch.

-- heard from a Mike Dukakis field worker
%%
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"
 - Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian -
%%
What do you call it when someone rubs a Volkswagen van on your head?

A Fahrvergnoogie.
%%
"What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win
 wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In
 independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that
 it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the simultaneous
 peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a base of
 technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, a period
 of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human activities
 must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses the national
 attention upon the direction to proceed.  Finally, an articulate and wise
 leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with words and
 action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young Americans
 to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of conditions.... 
 The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John Kennedys appear. We must
 begin to create the tools of leadership which they, and their young
 frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward."
-- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt, Sen., New Mexico
%%
"What happened to the kaboom?
 There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!"
-- The Martian
%%
What hath Bob wrought?
%%
"What if" is a trademark of Hewlett Packard, so stop using it in your
 sentences without permission, or risk being sued.
%%
"What is inconceivable about the universe is that it is at all conceivable."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that
 they are extreme, but that they are intolerant.  The evil is not what
 they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents."
-- Robert F. Kennedy
%%
       "What is the price of Experience?  Do men
	Buy it for a song?! and Wisdom for a
	Dance in the Street?  No! it is bought with the price
	Of all that a man hath: his Wife, his House, his Children--
	And Wisdom is sold in the desolate marketplace 
	Where none come to buy and in the barren fields where 
	Farmers plow for bread in vain."

-- Blake, The Four Zoas; Night the Second
%%
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed
of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly --
that is the first law of nature.
-- Voltaire
%%
What is vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
%%
What is virtue today may be vice tomorrow.
%%
"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is
 the exact opposite."
-- Bertrand Russell, _Sceptical_Essays_, 1928
%%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
%%
"What man has done, man can aspire to do."
-- Jerry Pournelle, about space flight
%%
"What masquerades as sex education is not education at all.  It is selective
 propaganda which artificially encourages children to participate in adult
 sex, while it censors out the facts of life about the unhappy consequences.
 It is robbing children of their childhood."
-- Phyllis Schlafly, President, Eagle Forum, 2/81, as quoted in "The Far
    Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
%%
"What people have been reduced to are mere 3-D representations of their own 
 data."
-- Arthur Miller
%%
What the gods would destroy they first submit to an IEEE standards committee.
%%
"What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying."
-- Nikita Khrushchev
%%
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
%%
What to do in case of an alien attack:

    1) Hide beneath the seat of your plane and look away.
    2) Avoid eye contact.
    3) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact.

-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
%%
What to say to annoy a performance artist:  "Hey, I saw something just
 like that on The Gong Show!"
-- Matt Groening
%%
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
-- Bengamin Disraeli
%%
What we do not understand we do not possess.
-- Goethe
%%
What you see is rarely what you get.
%%
"What's a polar bear?"
  "A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform."
-- Bill White (bwhite@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu)
%%
"What's the date?"
	"May the fourth."
"Then May the fourth be with you."
-- Count Duckula
%%
"What's the definition of a good flame?  One you agree with..."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman?

A used car salesman knows when he's lying.
%%
"What's up in the ghetto, boy. Oh they just captured the suspect. A day 
 without violence is like a day without sunshine. The sun shone last
 night."
-- Christopher Commision report of LAPD car-to-car computer message, 7/91
%%
"What?!  LEAVE school???"
-- Zonker Harris, Doonesbury
%%
'Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.  Boldness has genius, power 
 and magic in it.'  
-- Goethe
%%
"When Barbary Pirates demand a fee for allowing you to do business, it's
 called 'tribute money'.  When the Mafia demands a fee for allowing you to do 
 business, it's called 'the protection racket'.  When the State demands a fee 
 for allowing you to do business, it's called 'sales tax'."
-- Jeff Daiell
%%
When I left the meeting, I had the definite impression that I had found the
same game as with the seals: management reducing criteria and accepting more
and more errors that weren't designed into the device, while the engineers
are screaming from below, "HELP!" and "This is a RED ALERT!"
-- Richard P. Feynman, about NASA, _What Do You Care What Other People Think?_
%%
When I left you, I was but the pupil.  Now, I am the master.
-- Darth Vader
%%
	When I received the Nobel Prize, the only big lump sum of money I have
ever seen, I had to do something with it.  The easiest way to drop this hot
potato was to invest it, to buy shares.  I knew that World War II was coming
and I was afraid that if I had shares which rise in case of war, I would wish
for war.  So I asked my agent to buy shares which go down in the event of war.
This he did.  I lost my money and saved my soul.
-- Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
%%
When I see a congressman giving his opinion on something, I always wonder if
it represents his *real* opinion or if it represents an opinion that he's
designed in order to be elected.  It seems to be a central problem for
politicians.  So I often wonder: what is the relation of integrity to working
in the government?
-- Richard P. Feynman, _What Do You Care What Other People Think?_
%%
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
-- Al Capone
%%
"When I was [in Canada] I found their jokes like their roads -- not very
 long and not very good, leading to a little tin point of a spire which
 has been remorselessly obvious for miles without seeming to get any
 nearer."
-- Samuel Butler
%%
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I'm
 beginning to believe it."
-- Clarence Darrow
%%
"When I was young, my position was: dynamite.  It was only later that I 
 realized that this sort of thing cannot be rushed.  It must rot away like a 
 diseased member."
-- Hitler, on the churches. 
%%
When Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you're about to occupy, and
driven out many infidels before you...you're to cut them down and exterminate
them.  You're to make no compromise with them or show them any mercy.
[Deut. 7:1 (KJV)]
%%
"When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible,
 he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he
 is very probably wrong."
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
When asked, "If you find so much that is unworthy of reverence in the United 
States, then why do you live here?" Mencken replied, "Why do men go to zoos?"
%%
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one,
an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.
-- Edmund Burke
%%
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried
before.
-- Mae West
%%
When everything has been seen to work, all integrated, you have four
more months of work to do.
-- C. Portman of ICL Ltd.
%%
"When helping with this problem, please flame me good so that others will learn
 from my brazen irresponsibility."
-- Russell Earnest (re4@prism.gatech.edu)
%%
"When in doubt, print 'em out."
-- Karl's Programming Proverb 0x7
%%
"When in doubt, use brute force."
-- Ken Thompson
%%
"When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest."
-- Bullwinkle Moose
%%
When it is incorrect, it is, at least *authoritatively* incorrect.
-- Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
%%
"When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws."
-- Jef Poskanzer (jef@well.sf.ca.us)
%%
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
-- Calvin Coolidge
%%
When one studies the biographies of the founders and leaders of the various
religions, one cannot help but be struck by the psychotic -- or at least
extremely abnormal -- behavior that has characterized so many of them.
Luther, Wesley, and Loyola had hallucinations ("visions").  St. Theresa
almost certainly was a hysteric.  The book _The Psychotic Personality_,
by Leon J. Saul and Silas L. Warner, devotes considerable space to the
psychotic personalities of Mary Baker Eddy (founder of Christian Science),
Joseph Smith (founder of Mormonism), Mohammed, and the Rev. Jim Jones...
It seems significant that the founder of Christianity itself, St. Paul,
also suffered from epilepsy.
-- Frank Zindler, "Religiosity as a Mental Disorder," American Atheist
   magazine, April 1988, p. 27
%%
"When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
"When people aren't stupid Usenet is even more useful.  Too bad this
 happens so rarely." 
-- Jef Poskanzer <jef@well.sf.ca.us>
%%
"When politics and religion are intermingled, a people is suffused with a sense
 of invulnerability, and gathering speed in their forward charge, they fail to 
 see the cliff ahead of them."
-- _Dune_, by Frank Herbert
%%
When the game-master smiles, it's already too late.
%%
"When the government attempts to regulate everything, all is lost."
-- Thibaudeau
%%
"When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as if
 it were a nail."
-- Abraham Maslow
%%
"When things are at their darkest, pal, it's a great man who can kick back
 and party."
-- Olin Shivers
%%
When told he was making more per year than the President,
Babe Ruth replied, "Well, I had a better year than he did."
%%
When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
anyone.  Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge.  Never in the
history of war have so few been led by so many.
-- General James Gavin
%%
"When you buy peace at any price it is always on the installment plan for
 another war."
-- Richard M. Nixon, January 29, 1966
%%
When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brains.
-- Anonymous
%%
When you lose your power to laugh, you lose your power to think straight.
-- Inherit The Wind
%%
When you stay on the tracks, ignoring the facts, you can't blame
the wreck on the train.        
-- from the song, "You Can't Blame . . "
%%
"When you're a child, you pledge allegiance to the flag.  When you grow up, 
 you swear to uphold the Constitution.  Compare and contrast to the 
 President's current actions."
-- Larry Wake (lkw@csun.edu)
%%
"When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by
 distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fervor
 and emotion--the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all,
 probably right."
--Isaac Asimov
%%
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B',
 'A' is most likely a scoundrel."
- H. L. Mencken
%%
Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
"Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?"
-- Calvin
%%
"Where does he get those wonderful toys?"
-- The Joker
%%
"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is 
 good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
"Where is it written in the Constitution that you may take children from their 
 parents, and parents from their children, and compel them to fight the battles
 of any war in which the folly or wickedness of government may engage it?"
-- Daniel Webster, 1814
%%
"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.  "Begin at the
 beginning," the King said, gravely, "and go on till you come to the
 end: then stop."
-- _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_, Lewis Carroll
%%
Where there is no vision, people perish.  
-- Proverbs 29:18
%%
Wherever you go...There you are.
-- Buckaroo Banzai
%%
While it cannot be proved retrospectively that any experience of possession,
conversion, revelation, or divine ecstasy was merely an epileptic discharge,
we must ask how one differentiates "real transcendence" from neuropathies
that produce the same extreme realness, profundity, ineffability, and sense
of cosmic unity.  When accounts of sudden religious conversions in TLEs
[temporal-lobe epileptics] are laid alongside the epiphanous revelations of
the religious tradition, the parallels are striking.  The same is true of the
recent spate of alleged UFO abductees.  Parsimony alone argues against invoking
spirits, demons, or extraterrestrials when natural causes will suffice.
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "Neuropathology and the Legacy of Spiritual 
   Possession", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 3, pg. 255
%%
"While today's digital hardware is extremely impressive, it is clear
 that the human retina's real time performance goes unchallenged.
 Actually to simulate 10 milliseconds of the complete processing of
 even a single nerve cell from the retina would require the solution
 of about 500 simultaneous nonlinear differential equations 100 times
 and would take at least several minutes of time on a Cray supercomputer.
 Keeping in mind that there are 10 million or more such cells interacting
 with each other in complex ways, it would take a minimum of 100 years of
 Cray time to simulate what takes place in your eye many times each
 second." 
-- John K. Stevens, "Reverse Engineering the Brain"
	Byte magazine, Page 287, April 1985, 
%%
"Who alone has reason to *lie himself out* of actuality?  He who *suffers*
 from it."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
Who are the artists in the Computer Graphics Show?  Wavefront's latest box, or 
the people who programmed it?  Should Mandelbrot get all the credit for the 
output of programs like MandelVroom?
-- Peter da Silva
%%
Who in the name of God would bring a half-eaten eight-ounce jar of Hellman's
 mayonnaise to a public meeting?
-- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities"
%%
"Whoever did this [planted a pipe bomb at the Margaret Sanger Center] is a
 hero.  I think they are heroes.  The Bible commands us to rescue those
 being dragged to death."
-- Nancy O'Brien, Co-Director, "Project Jericho, "Channel 9 News," WCTO-TV,
    2/23/87, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned
    Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in
 the process he does not become a monster."
-- Nietzsche
%%
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is 
 shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.
%%
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
Book of Proverbs
%%
Why are many scientists using lawyers for medical
experiments instead of rats?

	a)  There are more lawyers than rats.
	b)  The scientist's don't become as
 	    emotionally attached to them.
	c)  There are some things that even rats 
	    won't do for money.
%%
"Why can one call the time component of the preceding 4-vector by the name 
 energy?  For two reasons:  First, because this time component has the correct 
 units -- the units of mass..."
-- From "Spacetime Physics" by Taylor and Wheeler
%%
"Why can't we ever attempt to solve a problem in this country without having
 a 'War' on it?"
-- Rich Thomson, from talk.politics.misc
%%
"Why did you hire that idiot?"
  "You can't fool all of the people all of the time, so I'm breeding
   them for stupidity."
-- President Weishaupt
%%
"Why do men go to war?  Because women are watching."
-- T. S. Eliot
%%
"Why do schools let anyone post?  Why not just leave it to us professionals?"
-- S. M. Ryan (smryan@garth.UUCP)
 
"Because there is no necessary relation between having a degree and the
 attribute of optical rectosis, as your posting demonstrates."
-- Bill Wells (twwells!bill)
%%
"Why do trans-atlantic transfers take so long?"
  "Electrons don't swim very fast."
-- john@minster.york.ac.uk and whh@PacBell.COM
%%
"Why don't the Japanese live in the mountains?  Certainly, they could;
 apparently they just don't want to."
-- elturner@phoenix.Princeton.EDU
%%
Why explore the Universe? It is almost ironic that we should have to ask this
question because it is almost as though we have to apologize for our highest
attributes... we went to Mars, not because of our technology, but because of
our imagination.
-- Norman Cousins
%%
Why is Gerald Ratner so successful?  In just six years the Englishman has
parlayed a two-karat family business into the world's largest jewelry
retailer, with 1,000 stores in the U.S. (under the names Kay and Sterling)
and an equal number in Britain.  In a speech last week at London's Albert
Hall before the annual convention of the prestigious Institute of Directors,
Ratner, 41, offered a four-point program for becoming a multimillionaire.

Rule No. 1:  Understand your market.  His stores, he says, sell "cheap and
tacky products."  Rule No. 2: Form clear quality goals. "We also do cut-glass
sherry decanters complete with six glasses on a silver-plated tray -- that
your butler can serve you drinks on -- all for 4.95 [$8.73].  People say,
`How can you sell this for such a low price?'  I say because it is total
crap."  Rule No. 3: Evaluate how your products stacks up against all the
competition.  "We even sell a pair of earrings for under 1 [$1.76], which
is cheaper than a prawn sandwich from Marks and Spencer.  But I have to say
the earrings probably won't last as long."  Oh, yes, and Rule No. 4: Don't
write your own speeches.
-- Time magazine, May 6, 1991
%%
"Why is that ridiculous toy on your head?"
  "Because if I wear it anywhere else, it chafes."
%%
"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?"
-- Ronald Reagan
%%
"Why was the Ferranti flag taken down?  Jim Adamoli says that it was
 drooping too much.  A new flag is being made out of silk so that it
 will better catch the wind."
-- bulletin to employees

"Oh, yeah, the irony was too f*cking much!!!   It was made of broader,
 ``better-quality'' cloth, but it wouldn't fly.  Remind you of anything?"
-- Name Witheld For Obvious Reasons
%%
"Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the same
entropy to create bugs instead?"
-- Steve Elias
%%
Why won't sharks eat lawyers?   Professional courtesy.
%%
Why would you WANT to port C news to your PC?  Wouldn't it be smarter
and about as cost-effective to port your PC over to the trashcan and buy
a real computer that runs a real operating system like Unix?
-- Brian Kantor (brian@ucsd.edu)
%%
Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits
that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant?
Is it not a spectacle to make the angels laugh?  We are a company of
ignorant beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only
be incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by
falling into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for 
our daily needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe
the ultimate origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures
to declare that we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map
of our infintesimal parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that
he will be damned to all eternity for his faithlessness...
-- Leslie Stephen, "An agnostic's Apology", Fortnightly Review, 1876
%%
"Will your long-winded speeches never end?  What ails you that you keep on 
 arguing?"
-- Job 16:3
%%
"William Safire would have a cow, but somehow that doesn't disturb me."
-- Evan Hunt (evanh@sco.com)
%%
Wish and hope succeed in discerning signs of paranormality where reason and
careful scientific procedure fail.
-- James E. Alcock, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12
%%
"Wish not to seem, but to be, the best."
-- Aeschylus
%%
"With friends like these, who need hallucinations?"
-- Buddy, "Night Court"
%%
"With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody."
-- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro
%%
With the news that Nancy Reagan has referred to an astrologer when planning
her husband's schedule, and reports of Californians evacuating Los Angeles
on the strength of a prediction from a sixteenth-century physician and
astrologer Michel de Notredame, the image of the U.S. as a scientific and
technological nation has taking a bit of a battering lately.  Sadly, such
happenings cannot be dismissed as passing fancies.  They are manifestations
of a well-established "anti-science" tendency in the U.S. which, ultimately,
could threaten the country's position as a technological power. . . .  The
manifest widespread desire to reject rationality and substitute a series
of quasirandom beliefs in order to understand the universe does not augur
well for a nation deeply concerned about its ability to compete with its
industrial equals.  To the degree that it reflects the thinking of a 
significant section of the public, this point of view encourages ignorance
of and, indeed, contempt for science and for rational methods of approaching
truth. . . . It is becoming clear that if the U.S. does not pick itself up
soon and devote some effort to educating the young effectively, its hope of
maintaining a semblance of leadership in the world may rest, paradoxically,
with a new wave of technically interested and trained immigrants who do not
suffer from the anti-science disease rampant in an apparently decaying society.
-- Physicist Tony Feinberg, in "New Scientist," May 19, 1988
%%
Without a thorough understanding of tactics, there can be no effective
strategy; therefore, any general must have a good foundation in the
tactical aspects of warfare.  However, it is not necessary for a general
to be an excellent swordsman, musketeer, or tank gunner.  It is sufficient
to understand the strengths, weaknesses, and proper use of the forces
available, and to know the strengths and weaknesses of your enemy.
-- Phillip Harbison (alvitar@xavax.com)
%%
Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
way he did.  In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
important to him than his table or his white robe.
-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
%%
"Women have babies and men provide the support.  If you don't like the way
 we're made you've got to take it up with God."
-- Phyllis Schlafly, hypocrite who has had a successful business career and
   run for public office, who would apparently deny that to other women
%%
Words must be weighed, not counted.
%%
Work was impossible.  The geeks had broken my spirit.  They had done too
many things wrong.  It was never like this for Mencken.  He lived like
a Prussian gambler -- sweating worse than Bryan on some nights and drunker
than Judas on others.  It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these
raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Bad Nerves in Fat City", _Generation of Swine_
%%
"Working on custom(ADM) is a lot like being drummer for Spinal Tap."
-- an anonymous SCO employee
%%
"Would I turn on the gas if my pal Mugsy were in there?"
   "You might, rabbit, you might!"
-- Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng)
%%
"Writing programs needs genius to save the last order or the last millisecond.
 It is great fun, but it is a young man's game.  You start it with great
 enthusiasm when you first start programming, but after ten years you get a 
 bit bored with it, and then you turn to automatic-programming languages and 
 use them because they enable you to get to the heart of the problem that you 
 want to do, instead of having to concentrate on the mechanics of getting the 
 program going as fast as you possibly can, which is really nothing more than 
 doing a sort of crossword puzzle."
-- Christopher Strachey, 1962
%%
Xerox Innovates
Apple Litigates

(Now Xerox Litigates, too -- sigh)
%%
"Xerox sues somebody for copying?" 
-- David Letterman
%%
"Y'know, every once in a while, when you look off into the distance,
 you can see a shimmering in the atmosphere's coefficient of refraction,
 as someone, someone small and slow on the horizon, gets a clue."
-- Blair Houghton, who's yet to get one
%%
Yale is terrific for anything you wanna do, 
so long as it doesn't involve people with sneakers, 
guns, dope, lust, or sloth.   
-- Tom Wolfe ``Bonfire of the Vanities''
%%
Yes sir.
No sir.
No excuse sir.
Sir, may I ask a question.
Sir, may I make a statement.
-- The five reponses a West Point Cadet may give to a superior
     during the Plebe year.
%%
	"Yes, I am a real piece of work.  One thing we learn at Ulowell is
 how to flame useless hacking non-EE's like you.  I am superior to you in 
 every way by training and expertise in the technical field.  Anyone can learn
 how to hack, but Engineering doesn't come nearly as easily.  Actually, I'm 
 not trying to offend all you CS majors out there, but I think EE is one of the
 hardest majors/grad majors to pass.  Fortunately, I am making it."
-- "Warrior Diagnostics" (wardiag@sky.COM)

"Being both an EE and an asshole at the same time must be a terrible burden
 for you.  This isn't really a flame, just a casual observation.  Makes me
 glad I was a CS major, life is really pleasant for me.  Have fun with your 
 chosen mode of existence!"
-- Jim Morrison (morrisj@mist.cs.orst.edu)
%%
"Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood..."
-- Badger comics
%%
Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's technical 
vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different.
-- The Firesign Theater
%%
"Yo baby yo baby yo."
-- Eddie Murphy
%%
You aint nothin' but a black dog...
-- Dread Zepplin
      (A group featuring an Elvis impersonator backed up by a
       Reggae band singing your favorite Led Zepplin tunes)
%%
"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
 only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively,
 as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
-- Ronald Reagan
%%
"You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist poop!"
-- Bloom County
%%
You are going to have a new love affair.
%%
You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike.
%%
	You are on the edge of a breath-taking view.  Far below you is an
active volcano, from which great gouts of molten lava come surging out,
cascading back down into the depths.  The glowing rock fills the farthest
reaches of the cavern with a blood-red glare, giving everything an eerie,
macabre appearance.  The air is filled with flickering sparks of ash and a
heavy smell of brimstone.  The walls are hot to the touch, and the thundering
of the volcano drowns out all other sounds.  Embedded in the jagged roof far
overhead are myriad twisted formations composed of pure white alabaster, which
scatter the murky light into sinister apparitions upon the walls.  To one side
is a deep gorge, filled with a bizarre chaos of tortured rock which seems to
have been crafted by the Devil himself.  An immense river of fire crashes out
>from the depths of the volcano, burns its way through the gorge, and plummets
into a bottomless pit far off to your left.  To the right, an immense geyser
of blistering steam erupts continuously from a barren island in the center of a
sulfurous lake, which bubbles ominously.  The far right wall is aflame with an
incandescence of its own, which lends an additional infernal splendor to the
already hellish scene.  A dark, foreboding passage exits to the south.
-- Adventure
%%
You are sunlight and I, moon
  Joined by the gods of fortune
Midnight and high noon
  Sharing the sky
We have been blessed, you and I
-- MISS SAIGON
%%
"You are what you want to be."
-- Brad Morrison (brad@neosoft.com)
%%
"You can call Usenet a democracy if you want to.  You can call it a
 totalitarian dictatorship run by space aliens and the ghost of Elvis.
 It doesn't matter either way."
-- Dave Mack
%%
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
-- Al Capone
%%
"You can hardly do anything that won't seem stupid later."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"You can have my Unix system when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."
-- Cal Keegan
%%
"You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
 the continuing viability of Fortran."
-- Alan Perlis
%%
You can observe a lot just by watching.  -- Yogi Berra
%%
"You can't get snot off of a suede jacket."
-- Lenny Bruce
%%
"You can't get very far in this world without your dossier being there first."
-- Arthur Miller
%%
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright
%%
"You can't stop abortion without fighting contraception: it is the gateway
 to abortion.  Not one of the 81 countries I've worked in has `clean'
 contraception without abortion -- not one.  Once there's contraception --
 separating sexual activity from procreation and teaching people to use
 each other's bodies for selfish pleasure -- abortion is always used as
 a backup."
-- Fr. Paul Marx, President, Human Life International, "Pro Life/Family
     Catalog", 1991, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves,"
     a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
"You can't teach seven foot."
-- Frank Layton, Utah Jazz basketball coach, when asked why he had recruited
   a seven-foot tall auto mechanic
%%
You can't tell which way the train is going by looking at the tracks.
-- unknown
%%
You can't underestimate the power of fear.
-- Tricia Nixon
%%
"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"You cannot really know anything." 
-- William Payne (wpayne@digi.UUCP)

"How do you know?"
-- Dan'l DanehyOakes (djo@PacBell.COM)
%%
"You don't drown by falling into water.  You drown by staying there."
-- Robert Allen
%%
"You don't go out and kick a mad dog.  If you have a mad dog with rabies, you
 take a gun and shoot him."
-- Pat Robertson, TV Evangelist, about Muammar Kadhafi
%%
"You don't have to explain something you never said."
-- Calvin Coolidge
%%
"You don't just go to the Black Lodge and walk out with your girlfriend."
-- Karl, explaining the last episode of Twin Peaks
%%
"You don't really understand something until you understand it in more than
 one way."
-- Marvin Minsky
%%
"You doubted Me," God tells the Lawgiver [Moses], "But I forgave 
 you that doubt. You doubted your own self and failed to believe 
 in your own powers as a leader, and I forgave you that also. But 
 you lost faith in these people and doubted the divine possibilities 
 of Human Nature. THIS loss of faith makes it impossible for 
 you to enter the Promised Land."
-- The Midrash
%%
"You get what you settle for."
-- Thelma and Louise
%%
You have a mongrel perception of humor, nothing more; a multitude of you
possess that.  This multitude see the comic side of a thousand low-grade and
trivial things -- broad incongruities, mainly; grotesqueries, absurdities,
evokers of the horse-laugh.  The ten thousand high-grade comicalities which
exist in the world are sealed from their dull vision.  Will a day come when the
race will detect the funniness of these juvenilities and laugh at them -- and
by laughing at them destroy them?  For your race, in its poverty, has
unquestionably one really effective weapon -- laughter.  Power, money,
persuasion, supplication, persecution -- these can lift at a colossal humbug --
push it a little -- weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter
can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast.  Against the assault of laughter
nothing can stand.  You are always fussing and fighting with your other
weapons.  Do you ever use that one?  No; you leave it lying rusting.  As a
race, do you ever use it at all?  No; you lack sense and the courage."
-- Mark Twain, _The Mysterious Stranger_
%%
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
%%
"You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, do you realise that?"
-- Peter Da Silva (sugar!peter)
%%
You have been selected for a secret mission.
%%
"You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!"
-- Bill
%%
"You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid?  Well, MINE
 are even WORSE!"
-- Calvin
%%
You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip 
over?  Well, that's how I feel all the time.
-- Steven Wright
%%
"You know why there are so few sophisticated computer terrorists in
 the United States?  Because your hackers have so much mobility into
 the establishment.  Here, there is no such mobility.  If you have the
 slightest bit of intellectual integrity you cannot support the
 government.... That's why the best computer minds belong to the
 opposition."
-- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity
%%
"You know, I've never accidentally drilled a hole in myself while programming."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their
 careers... damn anthropologists."
-- Emo Philips
%%
	You know, all of these rules that may be completely correct for
normal people, make no sense for prodigies.  To say that Bach should
pay any attention to how he was socially adjusted is just a bad joke.
-- Paul Erdos
%%
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are
 now extinct."
- M. Somerset Maugham
%%
"You know, we've won awards for this crap."
-- David Letterman
%%
"You look at your needs, at your competitors, at what you can afford,
 and you cut your cloth accordingly."
-- Ian Ross, AT&T Bell Laboratories
%%
You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth.
-- Nicklaus Wirth
%%
"You must either master politics or be mastered by those that do."
-- Anonymous
%%
"You must have an IQ of at least half a million."  -- Popeye
%%
"You must learn to run your kayak by a sort of ju-jitsu.  You must learn to
 tell what the river will do to you, and given those parameters see how you
 can live with it.  You must absorb its force and convert it to your users
 as best you can.  Even with the quickness and agility of a kayak, you are
 not faster than the river, nor stronger, and you can beat it only by
 understanding it."
-- Strung, Curtis and Perry, _Whitewater_
%%
"You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation 
 as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases
 which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence."
-- C. A. Beard
%%
"You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape."
-- Ellyn Mustard
%%
"You pathetic jugglers never lowered yourselves to developing the software.
 You should have paid a little more attention to R & D."
-- Cyberpunk comics
%%
"You put a couple cockroach heads on toothpicks next to that and it'll
 definitely keep the bugs away."
-- Karl suggests a use for a really bad photo of... Karl
%%
 "You realize she's talking about our hamburgers here."
-- Anonymous sixth grader during talk by animal
   right's activist; Newsweek, May 23, 1988
%%
"You say I'm cool, I'm no fool,
 but then you wind up applying to grad school..."
-- Matt Groening
%%
You see but you do not observe.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes"
%%
"You show me an American who can keep his mouth shut and I'll eat him."
-- Newspaperman from Frank Capra's _Meet_John_Doe_
%%
"You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and the vegetable!"
-- Seymour, from _Little Shop Of Horrors_
%%
You taught me language, and my profit on't is, I know how to curse.
-- Caliban
%%
"You tried it just for once, found it alright for kicks,
 but now you find out you have a habit that sticks,
 you're an orgasm addict,
 you're always at it,
 and you're an orgasm addict."
-- The Buzzcocks
%%
"You tweachewous miscweant!"
-- Elmer Fudd
%%
"You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion?"
-- Friedrich Nietzsche, addressing anti-semitic Christians
%%
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
%%
You will be successful in your work.
%%
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
%%
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
%%
You will see the light at the end of the tunnel; unfortunately, it will be
the light of an oncoming freight train.
%%
You will soon meet a tall dark handsome stranger.
%%
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
%%
"You'll pay to know what you really think."
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
%%
You're at the end of a road before a small brick building.  Around you is a 
forest.  A stream flows out of the building and down a gully.
-- Adventure
%%
"You're only as old as your comic collection."
-- Dan Thorsland
%%
"Your attitude determines your attitude."
-- Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus
%%
Your boss is thinking about you.
%%
"Your butt is mine."
-- Michael Jackson, Bad
%%
"Your development gets rotten if you take too long to market it."
--- Hitoshi Aoike, JVC Ltd., Tokyo
%%
Your good nature will bring unbounded happiness.
%%
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys!"
-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
"Your opal may cure my brother of some demon-taint, but *my* bad attitude is 
 no sickness!  It's one-hundred percent all natural!"
-- Ron Post
%%
Your own mileage may vary.
%%
"Your posting is just the kind of BS that leads me to believe that moderation
 is necessary.  As it happens, you are simply wrong.  On all counts."
-- Bill Wells (bill@twwells.com)

"Funny, this is just the kind of quasi-religious didacticism that leads me to
 believe that objectivism is not philosophy and that it's basically a Rand fan
 club."
-- Tim Maroney (tim@hoptoad.UUCP)

"I've added to my understanding that you refer to calling a bullshitter a
 bullshitter as ``quasi-religious didacticism''."
-- Bill Wells (bill@twwells.com)
%%
Your project will be late.
%%
"Your reality is lies and balderdash, and I'm glad to say that I have no grasp
 of it."
-- Baron Munchausen
%%
"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
-- Dave Mack (mack@inco.UUCP)

"Yours is."
-- Allen Gwinn (allen@sulaco.sigma.com), in alt.flame
%%
Youth is wasted on the young.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Zero defects: The result of shutting down a production line.
-- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go right.
%%
[Astrology is] 100 percent hokum, Ted.  As a matter of fact, the first edition
of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, written in 1771 -- 1771! -- said that this
belief system is a subject long ago ridiculed and reviled.  We're dealing with
beliefs that go back to the ancient Babylonians.  There's nothing there....
It sounds a lot like science, it sounds like astronomy.  It's got technical
terms.  It's got jargon.  It confuses the public....The astrologer is quite
glib, confuses the public, uses terms which come from science, come from
metaphysics, come from a host of fields, but they really mean nothing.  The
fact is that astrological beliefs go back at least 2,500 years.  Now that
should be a sufficiently long time for astrologers to prove their case.  They
have not proved their case....It's just simply gibberish.  The fact is, there's
no theory for it, there are no observational data for it.  It's been tested
and tested over the centuries.  Nobody's ever found any validity to it at
all.  It is not even close to a science.  A science has to be repeatable, it
has to have a logical foundation, and it has to be potentially vulnerable --
you test it.  And in that astrology is really quite something else.
-- Astronomer Richard Berendzen, President, American University, on ABC
    News "Nightline," May 3, 1988
%%
"[In the U. S. Army] An officer does not take an oath of loyalty to the 
 Commander-in-Chief.   He takes an oath of loyalty to the Constitution."
-- Sam Donaldson
%%
"[Leslie Stahl was] a pussy compared to Rather." 
-- George Bush
%%
        [May one] doubt whether, in cheese and timber, worms are generated,
        or, if beetles and wasps, in cow-dung, or if butterflies, locusts,
        shellfish, snails, eels, and such life be procreated of putrefied
        matter, which is to receive the form of that creature to which it
        is by formative power disposed[?]  To question this is to question
        reason, sense, and experience.  If he doubts this, let him go to
        Egypt, and there he will find the fields swarming with mice begot
        of the mud of the Nylus, to the great calamity of the inhabitants.
                A seventeenth century opinion quoted by L. L. Woodruff,
                in *The Evolution of Earth and Man*, 1929
%%
"[On Mars] there are canals, we believe, and water.  If there is water, there
 is oxygen.  If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
 -- Dan Quayle, VP of the United States
%%
	[On randomly generated sentences.] I think that it is hard to read
such material without amusement.  I feel a little admiration as well.  I would 
never write, 'It happened one frosty look of trees waving gracefully against 
the wall.'  I almost wish I could.  Poor poets endlessly rhyme love with dove, 
and they are constrained by their highly trained mediocrity never to write a 
good line.  In some sense, a stochastic process can do better; it at least has 
a chance.
-- J. R. Pierce, "Symbols, Signals, and Noise"
%%
[Pornography] causes premarital intercourse, perversion, masturbation in
boys, wantonness in girls... Attention is given to sensationalists such
as Kinsey and Eberhard... who, finding fellow travelers in erstwhile
respectable media, manage to disseminate, directly and indirectly,
their absurd and dirty bleatings and pagan ideas.  It seems strange to
me that we credit -- I should say that our mass media credit -- the
unestablished generalities of a few so-called experts, but ignore the
overwhelming testimony of the true experts like J. Edgar Hoover.
-- Charles H. Keating, Jr., former anti-porn activist, the financier
    behind the Lincoln Savings and Loan scandal (his anti-porn organization
    got in trouble in 1962 (!) for spending over 90% of the funds they
    raised)
%%
"[The vector] has never been of the slightest use to any creature."
-- Lord Kelvin
%%
"[Yasser Arafat] might say 'this', and then come back later and say 'this',
 and the new 'this' could cancel out the old 'this'." 
-- Ronald Reagan
%%
"[advise] the ruler to govern the state as one cooks a small fish -- that is,
 don't turn it so often in the pan that it disintegrates."
-- Lao-tzu
%%
                                _
                               / \
                              |\_/|
                              |---|
                              |   |
                              |   |
                            _ |=-=| _
                        _  / \|   |/ \
                       / \|   |   |   ||\
                      |   |   |   |   | \>
                      |   |   |   |   |   \
                      | -   -   -   - |)   )
                      |                   /
                       \                 /
                        \               /
                         \             /
                          \           /
                           |         |
                           |         |
                           |         |

-- Michael Westlund (d90-mwd@sigma.sm.luth.se)
%%
apostrophy:  when your apostrophe atrophies.
-- David Bedno <drseuss@gorn.santa-cruz.CA.US>
%%
backups: always in season, never out of style.
%%
cause when love is gone, there's always justice.
and when justice is gone, there's always force.
and when force is gone, there's always mom. 
-- laurie anderson
%%
core error - bus dumped
%%
de5@ornl.gov (Dave Sill) writes:
> I don't mind open debate on theological issues, but it's quite rude to come
> into my church ranting and raving and trying to convert me.

dylan@ibmpcug.co.uk (Matthew Farwell) writes:
> Why? Are you so insecure in your beliefs that you are frightened of vi users?

Hey, vi fanatics make the best converts.  They're already hooked on religion,
but, with respect to their first gods, they did not choose... wisely.  We have
ways of fixing that.
-- gaynor@romulus.rutgers.edu, from alt.religion.emacs
%%
e-credibility: the non-guaranteeable likelihood that the electronic data 
you're seeing is genuine rather than somebody's made-up crap.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
egrep patterns are full regular expressions; it uses a fast deterministic
algorithm that sometimes needs exponential space.
-- Unix manuals
%%
goddamn these haikus
I'm so sick of seeing them
when will it all end?
-- Curtis Galloway (curtisg@sco.COM)
%%
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
%%
interlard - vt., to intersperse; diversify
-- Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language
%%
"jackpot:  you may have an unnecessary change record"
-- message from "diff"
%%
jasona@sugar.hackercorp.com (Jason Asbahr) writes:
> Really?  What about the price of supercomputers these days?
> (Or any day...)  What do we have that the NSA doesn't?

78 million IBM-PC clones?
-- Peter da Silva (peter@taronga.hackercorp.com)
%%
language is a virus from outer space
and hearing your name is better than 
seeing your face.
-- wm. burroughs, as paraphrased
		  by laurie anderson
%%
lint(1) is the compiler's only means of dampening the programmer's ego.
%%
listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door; 
		let's go.        
-- ee cummings
%%
miracle:  an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment.
-- Webster's Dictionary
%%
"my terminal is a lethal teaspoon."
-- Patricia O Tuama
%%
   n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
   n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
   n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
   n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
   n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

-- Yet another mystical 'C' gem. This one reverses the bits in a word.
%%
   n
a+b 
---  = x, donc Dieu existe.  Repondez!
 n
-- Leonhard Euler
%%
        oh no godzilla
guns and planes cannot stop him
       tokyo is ablaze
-- haiku from Effector Online, Volume 1, Number 6
%%
  one with nintendo
  halcyon symbiosis
hand thinks for itself
-- haiku from Effector Online, Volume 1, Number 6
%%
panic: kernel trap (ignored)
%%
progasm: the feeling you get when your code works the first time
%%
"some people get pissed
 when you play with your mind
 in a different way
 than they play with theirs
 these people are called ASSHOLES"
-- the jambi's
%%
   the sand remembers
once there was beach and sunshine
   but chip is warm too
-- haiku from Effector Online, Volume 1, Number 6
%%
  vi is [[13~^[[15~^[[15~^[[19~^[[18~^ a muk[^[[29~^[[34~^[[26~^[[32~^ch better editor than this emacs.
I know I^[[14~'ll get flamed for this but the truth has to be said.
^[[D^[[D^[[D^[[D
    ^[[D^[^[[D^[[D^[[B^
-- Jesper Lauridsen (rorschak@daimi.aau.dk), from alt.religion.emacs
%
"Egads!  Why dally with other poisons?!  That
 java has perverted the wills of more men than
 many major religions!"
						"Do you want it with
						 cream or sugar?"
"I prefer it ebon.  Why disguise such a pure
 destructive force?"

[MISSPENT YOUTHS #3]
%%
"I will train myself relentlessly, mold and recreate my entire
 being until I am a living weapon!  Unstoppable! Invincible!

 Incorruptable!  The bad guys will pee their pants at the sight
 of my awesome FEAR-INDUCING GOODNESS!"

-- Misspent Youths
%%
"Maybe he'll shoot her.  She's lived sixteen years.
 I think I've suffered enough."

-- Misspent Youths
%%
  "So.... you've been sent back in time for only one day,.  You've
got a chance to to change history.  You meet Adolph Hitler at five
years old.  What do you do?"
				     "Shoot the little
				      bastard."
"That was my response."

[MISSPENT YOUTHS #1]
%%
"Imagine his surprise when he sees his children sprawled on the
 floor like some bizarre Matthew Brady landscape!"
		   -- Dr. Clayton Forrester
%%
"Frank, I don't have time for Thanksgiving.
 I'm on the verge of world domination."

	     "But we have guests coming over."

[MST3K Thanksgiving special]
%%
"Oscar Wilde: 2000."
-- Crow
%%
"You know, I certainly have amassed a fortune, donning dorky bow
 ties, weasely glasses, and Big Boy-styled haircuts!"
-- Crow
%%
"Oh, you rotten man. Here. Let me take your rotten, bloody
 picture for the rotten, bloody newspapers."

[LAWRENCE OF ARABIA]
%%
"We are not thugs.  We are not fanatics. We are vitamin supplements
 to justice."

[QUEEN OF ANGELS, by Greg Bear]
%%
"Relative calm is expected in South Central Los Angeles for the
 next several weeks, as looters stay home and try to program their
 new VCRs."
-- Weekend Update
%%
"Viewing the destruction in South Central Los Angeles, President
 Bush was said to be `shocked by what black people look like up
 close.'"
-- Weekend Update
%%
Selections from L.A. TRIAL JURY'S TOP TEN ACQUITTAL EXCUSES:

 10. Swayed by defense counsel's "Boys will be boys" closing argument
  9. Pressure from big-money Vegas gamblers
  4. Promised cameo appearances in "Dragnet II"
  2. Case law explanations provided by nearby Reagan Library

-- Steven Sargent
%%
"It's nothing.  It's just a private joke between me and whoever is
 going to be my analyst."
%%
Selections from TOP TEN KEEBLER ELF EUPHEMISMS FOR DEATH:

  8. On the cooling rack
  7. Bought the Pepperidge Farm
  5. Creamy casket filling
  3. Super-Fudge-a-riffically-Dead
  1. Somebody get the mini-vac!

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot
 faster with two people digging."

-- Mister Boffo
%%
"I'm warning you ... if you kill me, they'll just send 008!"
-- Flaming Carrot
%%
"Well, we've stared at it... that oughta fix it!  Let's get outta here."
-- Crow
%%
"No moose, no moose."

[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"If some of our GM executives had been conceived under the Aurora
 Borealis, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in today."

[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"Although he is now a god, he is still the same lovable young man
 we've always known -- I can attest to that."

[I, CLAUDIUS]
%%
"Go ahead, Stephen! Take your last licks!  But this will heal!
 What I'm gonna say can NEVER be erased!  It'll scar you FOREVER!

"Ready?!  Here it is!  YOU'LL NEVER MAKE MORE THAN $19,000 A YEAR!
 HA HA HA!!"

[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"...except I would give *anything* if you were two people... so I
 could call up the one who's my friend and tell her about the one
 that I like so MUCH."

[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"He wants to see you.  He's become a god.  Oh, you're a god, too."

[I, CLAUDIUS]
%%
"Do you know him personally?"
	     "No, but I've slept with his wife several times."
[I, CLAUDIUS]
%%
"What's wrong with it?"
	     "Nothing... I think you really blew the lid off nookie."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"So, don't get me wrong when I tell you that Tom -- while being a
 very nice guy -- is the *devil*."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"Ernie said you're lucky if you can get out when you can still
 cry.... Which means I should have quit 3 years ago."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time -- but
 lately several days have attacked me at once."
[Anonymous]
%%
"In the immortal words of the captain of the Titantic, 'Where did
 all this fucking ice come from?'"
[Anonymous]
%%
"This must be the Red Sox' year. Statistics of the last 75 years
 prove that the Sox always win the World Series one year after a
 Russian revolution."
-- Dan Shaughnessy
%%
"I'll be back!  You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House
 forever.  And when they get in...  I'll be back on the streets!
 With all my criminal buddies! BA-HAHAHAHAHA!"
-- SideShow Bob
[From the "Return of SideShow Bob" Episode of THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Thank you, Senor MacGyver!  You saved our village."
	     "Don't thank me, thank the moon's gravitational pull."
[From the "Return of SideShow Bob" Episode of THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Aunt Selma has one hour to live!"
	     "Hey!  Down in front!"
[From the "Return of SideShow Bob" Episode of THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Uh-oh, you guys, it's the Agents of Hell."
[Joel getting the call from the Mads on MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000]
%%
      TRANSLATION OF JET JAGUAR THEME SONG
      ------------------------------------

He jock it made of steel
Eats sushi from a pail
Jet Jaguar?  Jet Jaguar!
He mother never really love him

He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity
He dickey covers up an adams apple the size of a Toyota
He basically good-hearted 
But he'd like to smash that kid against a rock
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Who's there?

His head looks like Jack Nicholson
Don't smile like that, it will stay that way
Yahmmmaahoaahoaaaugh!

Don't touch my bags if you please, Mr. Custom Man

-- MST3K
[The "translation" of the GODZILLA VS MEGALON closing song on MST3K]
%%
"But, but Gramps, what good is having a bazillion dollar popcorn
 empire if no sweet chick will breed with me?"

     "Listen to yourself, Buddy.  It's part of
      the proud popcorn creed to be without
      the love of a woman.  How can we
      concentrate on genetically improving our
      popcorn if we have extremely abundent
      members of the weaker sex parading up
      and down the rows of our high-yield
      Super-Chief double-whammy ganga-ganga
      corn? Sweet fruit juices annointing
      their bodies.....  C'mon, how would that
      look?"
-- MST3K
[The Orville Redeinbacher (sp?) sketch from MST3K]
%%
"*I'm* the god, I'M THE GOD!!"
[MST3K (and I'd love to know where it's originally from)]
%%
"The public is tired of serial killers?  Now, where'd you get that?"

     "You can read it yourself in the focus
      groups, Jim.  Serial killers are
      overexposed.  Our audience is worried
      about the economy.  They don't want any
      more serial killers."

-- Michael Crichton's (impressively stupid) RISING SUN
%%
 Marx Stalin Lenin Trotsky
 We've got the team that's really hotsky.
-- Pre-New Order Reed College Cheer
%%
"You noticed that I didn't promise to cut your taxes.  Of course I
 didn't. That would be stupid.  If I cut taxes, we'd go deeper into
 debt.  Then I'd have to raise taxes to help cover the juice we're
 paying on all that debt. Did you appreciate my candor?	No, you'd
 rather have someone tell you that he is going to make it possible for
 you to buy three more Happy Meals at McDonald's and to hell with the
 future."

		   -- Mike Rokyo on Paul Tsongas'
		      withdrawl from the
		      presidential race
%%
"As for those who prefer some glib, position-hopping pretty-boy
 backslapper, you have a good chance of getting what you deserve.

 The trouble is, the rest of us will get it, too."

		   -- Mike Rokyo on Paul Tsongas'
		      withdrawl from the
		      presidential race
%%
"Here, here!	 You oughtn't to do a thing like that!  Going around
 tying defenseless people to railroad tracks!  It's not the
 Canadian way!"

[Who else but... DUDLEY DORIGHT OF THE MOUNTIES?]
%%
"Why are all the cute ones so corporate?"
-- Joel, MST3K
%%
"Oh, Captain Crunch Comfort Ring, help me out of this awful jam."
-- Joel, MST3K
%%
"Van Damme and Van Damme in 'Van Damme You All to Hell!'"
-- Tom Servo
%%
"Eat lead, space pansy!!"
-- Tom Servo
%%
"Something stupid this way comes."
--- Joel, MST3K
%%
"Watch it -- we've got Moog synthesizers!  We could kill you from
 here!"
-- MST3K
%%
"I think it's really the human part of him that's failing."
     "Well, the human side likes the rich taste, but the robot in him
      loves the frosty goodness."
-- MST3K
%%
"Meanwhile, at Jackie Chan Technical College ..."
-- MST3K
%%
"The Comics Journal is like Einstein's curved space, molding itself
 around Fantagraphics' perceived needs and foibles, a series of
 rationalizations and excuses masquerading as a political
 viewpoint. You could hang it on the wall, but how would you ever
 decide which end is up?"
-- Dave Sim
%%
 >>  CTHULHU IN '92!!! <<
 -------------------------------
 Why vote for the *lesser* evil?

-- David Henry
%%
"Soapie once told me that the thing he loved most about country
 music was its sense of myth.  There's heroes and villains, good
 and bad, right and wrong. The protagonist strolls into a bar
 which he sees as a microcosm of the big picture.  He contemplates
 his existence and asks himself, `Who's that babe in the red
 dress?'"

[Chris on NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"In your dreams, Fleischman."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"I don't like people committing suicide.  All the ethical
 considerations aside - it's just plain bad for business."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"She doesn't understand why you don't cut anybody any slack. Why you
 can't roll with the punches.  Why you think everyone you meet has an
 ulterior motive.  Why you can't be spontaneous.  And why you can't
 see the beauty that's all around you.  And frankly, I didn't know
 what to tell her."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"It would make a lovely holiday card - `Greetings from the
 Netherworld, love Joel and Elaine'."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"You're missing the point, Ed. Golf isn't a game -- it's a choice that
 one makes with one's life."

	     "To hang out with people in funny-looking pants?"

[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get de-sensitized to it!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"I, for one, get rather annoyed when I settle into a nice bubble bath
 with some Belgian chocolate and a mystery at my side only to discover
 that all of the characters in the latter are still alive at the end."
-- Miriam Nadel
%%
"Gentlemen.... DON'T LET AMERICA GO TO THE DEVIL!"
[THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER (also known as ALL THAT MONEY CAN BUY]
%%
"We deal in lead, friend."
[THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN]
%%
"Does Barbie come with Ken?"

     "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

[Anonymous]
%%
Selections from TOP TEN REJECTED SLOGANS FOR THE IBM/APPLE JOINT VENTURE:

 10. 	 What we lack in talent, we make up in size.
  9.	 Middle-aged white men in suits.
  7.	 The power to be our best and sue the rest.
  6.	 He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
  3.	 We don't like you, Bill.
  1.	 Setting a new standard in vaporware.

-- Terry Zmrhal
%%
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS TO USE GNU EMACS:

  8. 50-50 chance of discovering new feature each time it's executed.
  6. Subliminal messages flashed on screen during global
     search/replace urge "Stallman for President".
  4. Helps support "When you don't pay for software, don't pay
     for *American* software" campaign. 
  3. Continued use allows embedded self-organizing neural network
     code to take first steps up evolutionary ladder.

-- Richard Kulawiec
%%
"If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a
 comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist."

		   -- Scott Dorsey
%%
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS TO USE vi:

  9. It's super powerful
  7. It's cryptic, and therefore builds character
  6. It doesn't use any keys that aren't on your keyboard 
  5. It's even available on a DOS machine
  1. It's useful for Korn Shell Command Line Editing

-- Randall W. Hron
%%
"Hmmmm, this sounds like *another* job for Stupendous Man!"

	     "Actually, it doesn't sound like *quite* his type of job."

[CALVIN & HOBBES]
%%
"Why.... that would be pretty cool, if they weren't trying to kill me."
-- Calvin
%%
"EAT TASTY SEMI-AUTOMATIC **DEATH**, YOU DILDO JOCKIES"
[PunisherRoach, from CEREBUS]
%%
"But to you now worshipping in the flickering blue light, I say
 this: The beating of Rodney King notwithstanding, an image without
 context is less than a half truth.

"So be skeptical.  Think critically. Read. And good day."

-- CONCRETE: Fragile Creatures
%%
"I'd given a million bucks to anyone who could explain that woman
 to me."
	     "Sometimes I think she's a Martian stuck
	      on our planet an' that her behavior is
	      normal back home."

[Ah, shyness and love, ala Rand Race and Hopey re: Maggie in LOVE AND ROCKETS]
%%
"A...common...household...kitchen...utensil."
-- Ron Post
%%
"Sometimes I think justice just isn't what it used to be."
-- Dick Tracy
%%
 "Who *cares* which hero could beat up the other?  It's crazy to
  argue like this all the time!  You're driving your mother out of
  OUT OF HER MIND! You're lucky I don't tan your hides!  They're
  just COMIC BOOKS!"

 "And besides, it's like *my* father always said -- FLAMING CARROT
  could tear them BOTH to shreds!"

-- 20 NUDE DANCERS 20
%%
"I wish Wally Wood had drawn me!"
			  	   "BOY!  Me too!"
-- 20 NUDE DANCERS 20
%%
"Comic books contain *sexual* *innuendo* that almost approaches the
 level of explicitly reached on the average episode of NIGHT COURT!
 Comic books portray acts of crime and violence that are very nearly
 as realistic as real life *itself*! In comic books, many of the
 `heros' have a disregard for the law and a twisted sense of right and
 wrong that doesn't even come close to the down-right contempt of the
 values that made this country great held by most of its elected
 officials, but SO WHAT? WHERE WAS I?  I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO
 SAY NEXT! BECAUSE OF COMIC BOOKS! *THEY MAKE ME SO MAD!!!*"

"This message brought to you by the Self-Righteous Finger-Pointing
 Witch-Hunting Nail-Biting Grouchy Old Poops of America."

-- 20 NUDE DANCERS 20
%%
"Now that I can finally see him for what he's been all along, I'm just
 appalled!  I mean, can there be anyone on Earth more craven, more
 contemptible than he is?"

	     "They say in America, there is a man named `Geraldo'..."

"No, I mean of Duke's generation."

[DOONESBURY]
%%
"Hmmm... she's got really nice skin for a junkie."
-- Crow
%%
"Slugger: Found dead with Coors Party Ball lodged in throat."
-- Crow
%%
"...and, uh-oh, it's THE STINKY GUY."
-- Joel, MST3K
%%
"...and a man so mean he once shot himself just for snoring too loud!"
-- Crow
%%
"Hey, it's Raffi!  Thanks for the drugs!"
-- Crow
%%
"A new theory on the Kennedy assassination!"
	     "Drowning!"
-- FARLEY
%%
"Scary news from that nuclear waste dumping site of the Farallones!!"
     "We'll talk with an 80-pound duck!"
-- FARLEY
%%
"CHANNEL ONE!  We put the `Super' in Superficial!!"
-- FARLEY
%%
Rolling Stone review of "The Archies' Greatest Hits":

"Lord, no.  Contained within the grooves of this record are twelve
 convincing arguments against the capitalist system."
%%
"I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it
 after the IRS."
-- Robert Bakker, paleontologist
%%
 Here lies Hermina Kuntz
	To virtue quite unknown.
 Jesus, rejoice!
	At last she sleeps alone
[?]
%%
"God, I could use a half-day."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Look's like you've just bought a lottery ticket... to jail!"

	     "Uhh, he's unconscious, sir."

"Ahhhh, they can still hear things."
%%
"I WILL NOT EXPOSE THE IGNORANCE OF THE FACULTY."
-- THE SIMPSONS
%%
"If you own a cocker spaniel, you get a tax break."
-- Paul Tsongas
%%
Excerpts from Jim Dyer's DOONESBURY TIMELINE:

 24-Jan-1986: Uncle Duke is pronounced dead. Hunter S. Thompson
 (a.k.a. Raoul Duke) expresses concern that being dead may not be
 good for his social life.
%%
"You'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior,
 despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the
 grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors."
		   -- Dave Barry
%%
"So, Phil, before you leave, I understand that Oprah Winfrey makes
 $35 million a year."
			     "PFFFFFFFFT!!"

[Dave Letterman and Pat Donahoo have at it, LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN]
%%
"And the baby's Aunt is Shirley MacLaine!  Wow!"
-- David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS WE'VE BEEN ON THE AIR 10 YEARS :

  9. Cheap to produce with illegal alien bandleader
  8. Our perfect mix of comedy, music and awkward silence 
  7. Sophisticated technology that makes home viewers think they smell bacon 
  1. I'm Captain Dave and America is my Ship of Love

-- Late Night 10th Anniversary Special
%%
"To Hell with the show!  This is *science*!"
[LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN]
%%
"You're wondering how we can dominate this, aren't you, Mike?"
-- Crow
%%
"One moment, please, ladies and gentlemen, I've just been handed a
 teletype.  Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain has just addressed
 Parliament, and I quote his exact words, Quote:..."

     "HHEEEELLLLPPPP!"

-- MST3K
%%
"OK, new rule.  No white people.  Must take hard line on this, no
 exceptions.  Take memo."
-- Joel
%%
"Guys, it doesn't get any stupider than this."
-- Tom Servo
%%
"Good luck, Pumpkin Boy."
-- Tom Servo
%%
"This man must have lead a very full and active life..."

		     "...'cause there's a squirrel in his stomach."

-- MST3K
%%
"As far as I'm concerned, after 100 years carrion becomes memorabilia."
[Maurice on NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"I try to know what I need to know. I make sure to know what I
 want to know."
-- Nero Wolfe
%%
"Usenet is not a right."

	     "Usenet is a right, a left, a jab, and a
	      sharp uppercut to the jaw. The postman
	      hits!  You have new mail."

-- Ed Vielmetti & Chip Salzenberg
%%
"One-Adam-Twelve, One-Adam-Twelve, see the stupid monster."
-- Crow
%%
HE'S BREAKING UP, HE'S BREAKING UP:

"Remember Lincoln, going to his kness in times of trial and the
 civil war and all that stuff. You can't be. And we are blessed. So
 don't feel sorry for - don't cry for me, Argentina."

-- George Bush, 1/15, Dover, New Hampshire
%%
	      *[WANTED]*

	    $10,000 reward.
	   Scrodinger's Cat.
	     DEAD OR ALIVE

-- Nicholas Weaver
%%
Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION:

Bush now understands
Why Teenage Ninja Turtles
Just stick to pizza.

-- wolit@mhuxd.att.com
%%
Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION:

Bush-san slumps and falls.
Was it broccoli sushi?
The vomit thing, live.

-- wolit@mhuxd.att.com
%%
Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION:

I beg, I pander,
I let them win at tennis.
But later I gag.

-- wolit@mhuxd.att.com
%%
Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION:

Bush goes to Japan.
Looses tennis, lunch and face.
Winter of vomit.

-- wolit@mhuxd.att.com
%%
"I'm not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going."
[Avon from BLAKE'S SEVEN]
%%
"I must say, though, that I wonder how many of you support the use of
 cats for scientific research?"

	    "We tried it once but the cats really weren't up to it,
	     bad writing skills and few worthy PHD's among them. I
	     don't think any of them actually got tenure, which is
	     sort of sad."

-- Barry Shein
%%
"It takes a big man to cry. It takes a bigger man to laugh at that
 man."
-- Jack Handey
%%
"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
 important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me
 so much money.  What's important is that you continue to do so."
-- Bizarro
%%
"How does he do it, Smithers?"
	     "He's a love machine, sir."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"If you wanted to make Sarok the Preparer cry, well, mission
 accomplished."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"The more things stay, the more they change the sane."
-- Dave Sim
%%
"WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!"
[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000]
%%
"Push the button, Frank."
[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000]
%%
"Their technology must be light years ahead of ours. Their use of
 stock is amazing."
-- Tom Servo
%%
"Out of the sprawling millions of the Earth, a handful escaped all
 harm through fortune or design."

	     "Oh, like Neil Bush!"
-- MST3K
%%
"Oh, everything's evil to you!  Can't you just give it a chance?"
-- Joel, MST3K
%%
"You know, there's nothing like being in a gunfight with 600 pounds
 of high test nitro rocket fuel on your back."
-- Joel, MST3K
%%
"Uh, oh.  This isn't good.  I've seen good before, and this isn't it."
-- Tom Servo
%%
"ROGER! THIS IS GOD! PICK UP THE PACE!"
-- Tom Servo
%%
"Tonight, the fish sleep with Lucca Brazzi!"
-- Tom Servo
%%
"Sister, that dress is headed for trouble, and it's taking you with it."
-- Crow
%%
"There's the Nuge.  Locked, stocked, and ready to rock."
-- Joel, MST3K
%%
"Walk quietly among other men, but know their power, for they are your
 enemies.  Quietly crush them as you work diligently through the
 night. Pay attention to the man behind the curtain, for he is your
 ally. Drink deeply and lustily from the foamy draught of evil. Uh, do
 it to the other guy before he does it to you...and be bad to the
 bone, won't you?"
-- Dr. Forrester, MST3K
%%
"Hard to take anyone with a flannel skullcap seriously."
-- Tom Servo
%%
"Oh great, welcome to Plot Convenience Playhouse."
-- Tom Servo
%%
"A little horse for a little monkey."
	     "Hey, he'll have himself on his back."
-- MST3K
%%
"Oh, you're just gettin' weird...and that results in creativity."
-- Joel, MST3K
%%
"You see?  This is why we don't let teenagers in our hotel anymore.
 This kind of stuff."
-- Crow
%%
"Yeah, you've got spunk.  I hate spunk!"
[Lou Grant, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW.]
%%
"Very useful; now I can brown-nose myself."
-- Frank, MST3K
%%
"This is rich: `Bad command or filename.'  They expect you to be a
 machine to operate this machine."

	     "And I suppose you prefer a little animated clown who
	      would juggle over to the little file cabinet and then
	      wink at you and point to the right drawer."
-- MST3K
%%
"I'm Miles Standish and I'll be back to pick you up later. Ha ha!"
-- Tom Servo
%%
"Hi, Tom Servo here with a Turkey Day fact here at Comedy Central.
 Hey, did you know that Puritans used to beat up Quakers? Ha ha ha.
 It's true. Back after this."
[Tom Servo, MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000]
%%
"Turkey Fact Number 12: Turkeys are filled with enough L-Tryptophan
 to knock you on your sorry Thanksgiving ass."
-- Tom Servo
%%
"Turkey Fact Number 12: Turkeys would rather walk through an
 electric fan than around it. Ha ha.  They're just stupid."
-- Tom Servo
%%
	"He drinks his tea at Al's cafe'
	 And flies along on wires;
	 He beats up crooks and flies with hooks
	 And puts out forest fires."

-- "Commander Cody: Enemy Planet", MST3K
%%
"HEY!  They're going to the Turd Museum."
-- Crow
%%
	   THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEERING REVIEWS:

What They Say:
	"Displays excellent intuitive judgement."
What They Mean:
	"Knows when to disappear."

-- robkp@microsoft.COM
%%
		   THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEERING REVIEWS:

What They Say:
	"Excels in sustaining concentration while avoiding confrontations."
What They Mean:
	"Ignores everyone."

-- robkp@microsoft.COM
%%
"A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is
 someone you call to help you move... a body."
[?]
%%
KIDS TALK ABOUT LOVE by David Heller
Is It Better to Be Single or Married??:

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid.
 I don't need that kind of trouble."

-- Will, 7
%%
KIDS TALK ABOUT LOVE by David Heller:

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"

-- Bert, 5
%%
KIDS TALK ABOUT LOVE by David Heller:

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her
 a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
 wedding."

-- Allan, 10
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- December 4th
"French astronomers report that a vast, hitherto-unknown galaxy	at the
 very edge of the universe has been purchased by Japanese investors."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 30th
"In politics, the name `Mario' becomes a source of vast	amusement for
 the White House brain trust, especially spokesperson Marlin
 Fitzwater, who is apparently unaware that his own name is `Marlin
 Fitzwater.'"
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 24th
"In what is seen by political observers as yet another indication of
 White House indecision, President Bush signs the new civil-rights
 bill into law, then vetoes it, then calls a press conference to
 angrily deny that he has called a press conference."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 16th
"Faced with a choice between David Duke and Edwin Edwards, Louisiana
 voters, in a heartwarming demonstration of common sense and good
 old-fashioned American decency, move to Ohio."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 5th
"Concern grips the White House when Pennsylvania voters, in a Senate
 race that is seen by many as a referendum on the Bush presidency,
 vote overwhelmingly to secede from the union."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- October 19th
"David Duke, having undergone successful cosmetic surgery to have four
 of his original six legs removed, wins a slot in the Louisiana
 gubernatorial runoff race with a campaign based on coded racial
 appeals, similar to the Willie Horton ad, but more subtle."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- October 10th
"In the ongoing nomination hearings, Clarence Thomas accuses the
 Senate Judiciary Committee of being white men, a charge appears
 accurate in every case except that of Sen. Kennedy, who looks more
 like a giant suit-wearing tomato."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- September 27th
"The Senate Judiciary Committee concludes Round One of the Clarence
 Thomas hearings and votes unanimously to reconvene in October `for
 the purpose of behaving like the most flagrant collection of dorks on
 the planet.'"
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- September 12th
"Under intensive questioning by Judiciary Committee Democrats,
 Clarence Thomas claims that at one time he did have an opinion, but
 his dog ate it."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- September 7th
"The Senate Judiciary Committee begins its hearings into the Supreme
 Court nomination of Clarence Thomas, who, in his opening statement,
 notes that, in addition to coming from Humble Origins, he has been
 paying his dues as a federal judge for nearly 18 entire months and is
 ready for the Big Enchilada."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- August 23rd
"In a sweeping post-coup reform move, Gorbachev abolishes the
 Communist Party and fires thousands of entrenched, hard-line Kremlin
 bureaucrats, all of whom are immediately hired by the Internal
 Revenue Service."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- August 22nd
"The Soviet coup collapses when thousands of Moscow citizens, in a
 dramatic confrontation with Red Army tank units, realize that the
 tank engines have all been traded to Italy for cheese."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 18th
"True Item: A Canadian psychiatrist releases a report, based on
 autopsies, stating that as men get older, their brains shrink a lot,
 while women's brains don't. This is believed to be the first
 scientific explanation of golf."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 14th
"A scandal begins to burgeon in Washington when a sharp-eyed federal
 investigator happens to walk into the Bank of Credit and Commerce
 International to buy a money order and notices a sign that says `Ask
 About Our Covert Sale of American Arms to Iran!'"
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 10th
"The president of Procter & Gamble, responding to years of allegations
 that its corporate logo contained satanic symbolism, calls a press
 conference to announce that he can rotate his head 360 degrees."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 1st
"President Bush, who is totally against racial quotas, discovers to
 his amazement that of all the possible candidates to replace Thurgood
 Marshall, who is black, the most qualified person is Clarence Thomas,
 who, in what White House doctors say is a one in 984 hillion jillion
 vermilion coincidence, ALSO happens to be black (although,
 miraculously, he does NOT have Graves' disease). In his first news
 conference as nominee, Thomas reveals that he was born in Humble
 Origins, Ga., and grew up so poor that he could never afford to have
 an opinion."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- June 29th
"True Item: The only version of Colombia's proposed new constitution,
 which is being written on a computer, is completely wiped out when a
 technician accidentally erases it."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- April 21st
"Ending 159 years of tradition, members of Yale's exclusive and highly
 secretive Skull and Bones Club vote to stop wearing women's
 underwear."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- March 11th
"True item: During a presidential visit to a Virginia school, a
 skeptical third-grader refuses to believe that George Bush is who he
 says he is until the President produces his driver's license."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- March 3rd
"Shocked at the devastation they find in Kuwait, the allies begin a
 massive humanitarian airlift of emergency replacement gold plumbing
 fixtures for the royal palace. A grateful world learns that members
 of the Kuwaiti royal family have escaped injury despite being just
 2,000 miles from the thick of the fighting, trapped in European
 hotels with only minimal polo facilities."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- February 27th
"James Brown is released from prison after agreeing to let his parole
 board sing backup."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- February 25th
"Hopes are aroused for an early end to the ground war when 3,500 Iraqi
 troops surrender to an allied portable field toilet."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW

February 23rd
"The long-awaited land war finally begins as Allied troops storm into
 Iraq."

February 24th
"Allied troops, after checking their maps, realize that they have
 stormed all the way THROUGH Iraq. They hastily turn around and storm
 back."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- February 7th
"True Item: In Keithville, La., as many as 50 people, including
 sheriff's deputies, game wardens and wildlife officials, spend most
 of the night trying to rescue what appears to be a black bear caught
 high in a pine tree. Finally, after nearly eight hours, during which
 a veterinarian fired a number of tranquilizer darts, the rescuers
 chop the tree down and discover that they have saved a heavily
 sedated black garbage bag."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 25th
"A huge oil slick begins spreading outward from Kuwait, threatening
 vast ecological damage to the Gulf region. Aerial reconnaissance
 reveals the shocking cause: The Iraqis, in flagrant disregard of
 international law and environmental standards, have chartered the
 Exxon Valdez."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW

January 16th
"War erupts in the Middle East as massive allied air forces attack
 Iraq with extremely sophisticated computerized weapons capable of
 hitting, with pinpoint accuracy, any target except Saddam Hussein."

January 17th
"The Iraqi air force, rising to the challenge, flies to Iran."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 12th
"Haiti goes 36 straight hours without having a coup. The United
 Nations sends an inspection team to find out what's wrong."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 10th
"With war now apparently inevitable, the nation is swept by a
 patriotic fervor as grim-faced yellow-ribbon manufacturers prepare to
 make huge profits and somber advertising executives labor far into
 the night producing emergency combat-related Miller Lite
 commercials."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 1st
"The new year dawns with Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein arrogantly
 thumbing his nose at international law. Little does this homicidal
 bully realize that, although he is riding high now, before the year
 is over, he will be, um, almost a year older."
%%
Selections from TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A SERIAL KILLER:

 10. Overheard muttering to himself, "Damn lying squirrels!"
  6. Often selling Domino's Pizza uniforms at yard sales
  5. Always says, "Let's see what else is on"
     whenever AMERICA'S MOST WANTED starts
  4. You feel perfectly happy after killing one person,
     but he insists on killing more

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN REVELATIONS IN THE NEW MADONNA MOVIE _TRUTH OR DARE_:

 10. Was kicked out of "Up With People" as a teenager for
     grabbing herself during halftime show
  9. We think that maybe she sometimes dyes her hair
  8. She invented the auto air freshener
  5. Metal brassiere handy for opening long-neck Buds
  3. Warren Beatty is only four foot ten
  1. She once slept with Nancy Reagan

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU KICKED OUT OF
IRAQ'S REPUBLICAN GUARD:

 10. Giggling during story time
  9. Asking commander during inspection, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
  7. Whenever enemy aircraft appears, dropping your gun and
     screaming like a woman
  5. Comments like "Wow!  That Hussein guy is nuts!"

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN SURPRISES IN _ROCKY V_:

  9. Eight sequences choreographed by Peter Allen
  8. Rocky killed by Laura Palmer's father
  7. Rocky's new manager Fred MacMurray puts Flubber in Rocky's gloves;
     Rocky knocks opponent to Mars
  6. Mr. T?  Gay as a French horn.
  5. Rocky goes back into the ring and fights a younger, stronger opponent
     and even though he hasn't a chance in the world to beat him,
     Rocky digs down and musters all the courage and heart he can, and --
     you'll never believe this -- wins anyway!

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN COOL THINGS ABOUT BORIS YELTSIN: 

  8. Can start up a jukebox just by rapping it with his fist
  7. Knows where Gorbachev is really ticklish
  3. Moonlights in Mayor McCheese costume at Red Square McDonald's
  2. The rocket-powered Yeltsinmobile
  1. Can drink Ted Kennedy under the table

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE ZACHARY TAYLOR AUTOPSY:

 10. Had bottle caps and a license plate in his stomach
  8. Pockets stuffed with little soaps you get free from motels
  6. Let's just say Mrs. Taylor was a very lucky woman
  4. Currently has better memory than Reagan
  2. There's some cocktail waitress in there with him

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN PROMOTIONAL SLOGANS FOR TAMPERED-WITH SUDAFED:

  9. Comes in regular nonfatal, and now new fatal!
  4. If Shirley MacLaine is right, you've got nothing to worry about
  3. Sudafed -- take me away!

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Oh, dear.  A vicar in trouble.  I suppose it's the choirboys again.
 I always think the Church runs a terrible risk having choirboys.
 They'd be far safer with a lot of middle-aged lady sopranos."

[Uncle Tom, from John Mortimer's RUMPOLE OF THE BAILEY series]
%%
"As I always say, murder is nothing more than common assault, with
 unfortunate consequences."
-- Rumpole
%%
"Look, old sweetheart.  Is it archaic to believe in some sort of
 equality of the sexes?"

     "Equality?	 You're into equality?"

"For God's sake, yes!  Give you equal pay, certainly.	Let
 you be all-in wrestlers and Lord Chancellor.	 By all means!
 I'll even make the supreme sacrifice and give up my seat in the
 bus...  But you're asking for women witnesses to be more equal
 than any other witnesses!"

-- Rumpole
%%
"I will stand up in Court for absolutely any underprivileged person
 in the world.  Provided they've got Legal Aid!"
-- Rumpole
%%
"I thank heaven for small mercies.  The first of these is Rumpole."
-- Clive James
%%
"Well, it's obvious to me that the EYE OF MONGOMBO is not what the
 public wants!  I will concede to the majority; I am a reasonable
 man!  *I QUIT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU*!!!"

[More endearments from the author of THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
%%
"Don't screw around with our trademarks, little man.  Love, WB"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
%%
"Face it, no one with the least bit of sense goes running around in
 the worst part of town wearing a cape and tights!  He's a *maniac*!
 Either that or he's a fairy!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
%%
"That is one of the Laws of Usenet, up there with `You can tell
 when a Usenet discussion is getting old when someone drags out
 Hitler and the Nazis.'"
-- David Goldfarb
%%
"...OK!  Got everything?  Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
 toenail dirt.  This format is called `3.5 hectare' and it will not be
 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
 format called `Elroy', so *order yours now*."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"The masses seem to me worthy of notice in only three respects: first
 as blurred copies of great men, produced on bad paper with worn
 plates, further as a resistance to the great, and finally as the
 tools of the great; beyond that, may the devil and statistics take
 them"
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
Selections from TOP TEN LEAST FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SPECIALS:

 10. The Manson Family Christmas
  8. 'Santa' is an Anagram for 'Satan'
  6. The Stocking of Death
  5. Scream 'til You Get a Nintendo
  1. Sing The Praises of the Lord with Roseanne Barr

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"There are two kinds of people in the world: Those with loaded guns,
 and those who dig."
[THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY]
%%
"Get back to work!  You're laborers, you're supposed to be laboring!
 That's what you get for not having an education."
[?]
%%
"Qualifications?"
		     "Rape, murder, arson, and rape."
"You said rape twice."
		     "I like rape."
-- BLAZING SADDLES
%%
"What about all that talk about screwing up future events, space time
 continium?"
		     "Well, I figured... what the hell."

[BACK TO THE FUTURE sequel which I can't remember]
%%
Selections from TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR LOSING THE DOG SHOW:

 10. Mistaken in assumption that there would be chance to show off
     talent for drinking from toilet
  9. Thought I saw the little chuckwagon
  7. Caught in a lie claiming to be a Cycle Two dog when I'm really Cycle Three
  5. My lifelong battle with problem drool
  3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg
  2. Money goes to trainer anyway, so let *him* stand naked in
     Madison Square Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN DUTIES OF QUEEN ELIZABETH II:

 10. Gets to throw the first punch at soccer riots
  9. Appears in TV ads for London Radio Shacks
  3. Must chase, kill, and consume barn rats
  2. Kick the queen of Sweden's ass in croquet

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK:

  7. Four words: Regis and Kathy Lee
  6. Commotion during mob hits at steakhouses allows you to skip out on check
  5. The Japanese keep their buildings looking nice

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"And that marvelous moment when you switched from color to black and
 white, to show the bleakness of human existence."

	     "Actually we ran out of money and had to buy cheaper film."

[Benny Hill, if you can believe it.]
%%
"Now I have shown him the way...  That a man with no hope is a man
 with no fear."
[DAREDEVIL]
%%
"You see, my parents taught me a different lesson as they laid there
 dying in the street.  The world doesn't make sense unless you force
 it."
[THE DARK KNIGHT]
%%
"I wrote WATCHMEN as the tombstone of superhero comics, not to
 revitalize them."
-- Alan Moore
%%
"Oh flibbidy floo!  In *my day*, we didn't have these fool-proof,
 safety-tested transporters.  No! We risked vaporized death every time
 we stepped in that little circle!  And we *liked* it!  We *loved* it!
 In *my day*, we didn't have any poofy peace treaties with the
 Klingons.  No!  We bashed foreheads every time we met 'til one of us
 had brains oozing out our skulls and we had to get them scooped back
 in with a spoon. And we *liked* it! We *loved* it! In *my day* we
 didn't have any of this Prime Directive namby pamby. We just barged
 right in and started blasting away with our Phasers whenever we got
 in trouble. So what if we doomed some planet's population? It was our
 hides on the line!  We *liked* it!  We *loved* it! "

"I guess we were just a bunch of vaporized, brainless morons playing
 God with the future of any race we felt like.  Well we *liked* it. We
 *loved* it! Flibbidy floo!"

-- Derryl Dean DePriest
%%
"If this screen looks blurred, or otherwise out of focus, get a life."
-- Derryl Dean DePriest
%%
"Pat's going to win in '92. I'll see to it. I don't care where I have
 to break into."
-- G. Gordon Liddy
%%
Selections from TOP TEN BIOENGINEERING PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT:

  9. Skunk that gives off lemon-fresh scent after being flattened by Mack truck
  8. Sea otters who wear their fur like Pat Riley
  7. Squids that wait for the cable guy
  6. Super-intelligent dogs that really can play poker so you could
     just photograph them instead of buying one of those fancy novelty
     paintings
  4. Cocoa Puffs bird with a calm, stable outlook on life

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN WORDS USED LEAST IN THE BIBLE:

 10. Perky
  9. Fudge-a-licious
  8. Rootin'-tootin'
  5. Mall Bunny
  2. *BOINNNNG!*

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN WAYS BUSH COULD BLOW IT IN '92:

  7. Guest-stars on `Matlock': shoots Andy Griffith in face
  6. It is revealed he bet against the U.S. in the Gulf War
  2. Gets careless about secret family in West Virginia

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN LEAST EXCITING SUPERPOWERS FOR COMIC BOOK SUPERHEROES:

  9. Lightening-fast mood swings
  6. Ability to calm jittery squirrels
  1. Magnetic colon

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS THE BRITISH LOST THE COLONIES:

  9. Wanted to just lose New Jersey but got carried away
  8. Colonists on steroids
  6. Their diet: tea and crumpets.  Our diet: raw squirrel meat and whiskey.
  2. Wanted to get first draft choice
  1. Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for our swishy inbred monarch!"

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Conan! What is best in life?"

	     "Krraash yor animees. See dam driffen
	      bafore you, ant heer da lamentations uff
	      deir wimmen."

-- Lazlo Nibble
%%
Selections from	 TOP 10 NEW CIA AD SLOGANS:

 10. "When you care to assassinate the very best."
  9. "This is not your father's OSS."
  6. "The CIA:  We have a new slogan, but we can't tell you what it is." 
  1. "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, New World Orders don't upset us." 

-- The Washington Post
%%
"Much though I love the Archie books, there is no better way to find
 out when a `hip' trend is dead than when it shows up in Archie."
-- Dan Parmenter
%%
Rejected ABC AfterSchool Specials:

	o The Day the Gym Teacher Cried.
	o The Popular Boy Who Smoked and Drank a Lot.
	o Hiking with Sam Kinison.
	o Parents Are Just Dummies, Anyway.
	o Nugget, the Golden Retriever with Problem Flatulence.

-- t-robtp@microsoft.COM
%%
"We have the most [thorough] test guy in the world... [I showed him
 this program and he asked,] 'but Rob, what if time runs backward?'"
-- Rob Kolstad
%%
"Those Macintoshes aren't the cute little boxes you think they are."
-- Elizabeth Zwicky
%%
"That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the
 beauty of VMS is that it's all there."
-- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
%%
"Watch television, because you don't know what it will do if you leave
 it in the room alone."
-- John M. Ford, aka Dr. Mike
%%
"One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in
 contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and
 mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only
 narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid."
-- J. D. Watson, THE DOUBLE HELIX
%%
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS WHY THERE HAVEN'T BEEN ANY
		TOP 10 LISTS ON LETTERMAN 

  8. Writers are heartsick over the cancellation of "Good and Evil"
  6. "I thought *YOU* had the Top Ten lists"
  5. Dave's dog ate them
  1. Slight mishap with the "Flame-Thrower Cam" -- entire staff wiped out. 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"'All we are are monkeys with car keys.'"
[Grandma Ed on NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind
 blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire."
-- La Rochefoucauld
%%
"The Bible doesn't forbid suicide.  It's Catholic directive, intended
 to slow down their loss of martyrs."
[Ellen Blackstone]
%%
"America is a country with one hand on the Bible and the other on its
 pud."
[Blodget and Dumm, SHOOTY BEAGLE]
%%
"Personally, I think people paying $4,000 to get their pictures taken
 with George Bush already have enough problems."
-- David Sarasohn
%%
"Why did I give him Barbera Streisand's ego?"
[QUANTUM LEAP]
%%
"Careful, men -- he wets his pants."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"That's the movies, Ed; try reality."
				     "No, thanks."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"We have big plans for you, Homey."
			     "Yeah, well, I like what you did with Arsenio."
[IN LIVING COLOR]
%%
"`My Country, Right Or Wrong', eh?"

	     "There are worse philosophies."

"Yes; most of them begin with that."

[One of my favorite quotes, from one of my favorite episodes of STAR COPS]
%%
"Heap on more wood! -- the wind is chill; But let it whistle as it
 will, We'll keep our Christmas merry still."
[?]
%%
"Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Having long been concerned about the problem of exploding cows, it
 seemed imperative to pass on to you the enclosed advertisement, the
 importance of which I am sure will be immediately apparent to you."
-- Judge John Paul Stevens
%%
Selections from CLARENCE THOMAS' TOP TEN FAVORITE MOVIE RENTALS

 10. Ernest Goes to the Mustang Ranch
  9. Orgy in the Court
  6. Twelve Angry Men and A Really Hot Cheerleader
  3. Red Hot Stuff Conservatives are Supposed to be Against 
  2. Dances Without Briefs

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Asked to look over the list of software purchased by the KGB, one
 American security expert concluded: `The Russians were rooked.'  The
 KGB paid several thousand dollars for a word processor, called GNU
 Emacs, which is widely distributed free in western universities."
-- THE ECONOMIST
%%
"I envy the ease with which other people make use of the amenities ...
 by which I mean everything from sex to playing the jukebox"
-- Eddie Campbell
%%
"I always thought that there must be a special section of heaven.  It
 looks a whole lot like the stacks at the Multnomah County Library.
 Winged librarians help you find the book you want. The sun shines in
 the tall windows. The people there are quiet, but you can see their
 spirits shining."
-- Ursula K. Le Guin
%%
"I am the janitor of God."
[From THE FISHER KING]
%%
"Serves the umpires right!  Now we all have to miss the Tony Franciosa
 Film Festival on Channel 9 tonight for this!"
[Whoah!	 It's the mighty wrath of FLAMING CARROT!]
%%
"Hey! Stupid umpires!  Hey, who's buried in Grant's Tomb?"
[FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!"
	     "Oh!  Here!  Just a darn minute now!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"Hey!  Come back!  We want to SURRENDER!"
     "Sorry!  Too busy holding on for dear life to accept surrender!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"ONWARD MEN!	 To VICTORY.. or UNCONSCIOUSNESS!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"I overpowered them!... I glued skis all over them because I could not
 find rope or handcuffs in this room!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"I've met a lot of kings, and emperors and heads of state in my time
 Joshua. I've met them all. And you know something? I think I liked
 *you* best."
[A very nice conclusion to a SANDMAN one-shot]
%%
"Things may look grim for *us*, but *nothing* is grim for...
 STUPENDOUS MAN!  Champion of Liberty!  Foe of Tyranny!"

     "I'm going to get in bed now and avoid the rush."

[Where else? CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
"I told them, `Hey, watch it!  This is my wife's tank!'"
[Crazy (and now non-single) Ron Post in THOSE ANNOYING POST BROTHERS]
%%
"So I killed them all with a jelly sandwich I had in my pocket."
[THOSE ANNOYING POST BROTHERS]
%%
"The real thrill is the chase!  Zoomin' down the road, tryin' to
 outrun an ICBM with your name on it... Ahh... Now, that's
 entertainment!"
[THOSE ANNOYING POST BROTHERS]
%%
"I may be insane but I've kept my figure."
[SHADE, THE CHANGING MAN]
%%
"She has a house?"
		     "She has lots of things, although she
		      seldom has much use for them. You
		      should see her floppy hat collection."
[SANDMAN]
%%
"And Herakles was *full* of it.  He just got dead drunk for a couple
 of weeks in Phyrgia and told everyone he'd been to the land of the
 dead."
[SANDMAN]
%%
"By 1926, when librarians surveyed young readers' tastes, they found
 to their disgust that Tom Swift was on 98 percent of their students'
 reading lists."
-- Smithsonian magazine
%%
Selections from THE TOP TEN PROVISIONS IN THE LOIS
		LANE/SUPERMAN PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT:

 10. Joint custody of Jimmy Olsen
  8. He has to clean up after his own super dog
  5. Superman must reverse Earth's rotation to go back and put toilet seat down
  2. In the event of a divorce, Lois gets the Plaza Hotel

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Why, I even heard the secret of the universe was printed in one issue
 of 'Grit', but nobody ever read the damn thing."
-- Major Honey
%%
"To consider persons and events and situations only in the light of
 their effect upon myself is to live on the doorstep of Hell."
-- Thomas Merton
%%
BEST PORTLAND PROTEST CHANT: 

"Bad cop.  No donut!  Bad cop.	No donut!"

[From a friend, Ellen Eades]
%%
"Absolute.  Absolutely absolute.  Absolutely positively definitely
 absolute!"
-- Prof. Sacks of Harvard
%%
"I brought this book today... a wonderful book.  Because I wrote
 it.... How much do you think this book costs? $60?  $70?  Nah.  $90.
 And $130 in Japan."
-- Prof. Sacks of Harvard
%%
"[Peter Greenaway] doesn't strike me as the sort of artist who could
 resist the idea of lakes of shit."
-- Peter Reiher
%%
"`Dear Mr. Silverberg: Keep this woman away from me or I'll draft you.
 I can do that, you know; I'm the President.'"
[MURPHY BROWN]
%%
"Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman
 numerals."
-- Henry Spencer
%%
"They asked Arnie if he would be interested in shaving his head and
 being painted blue and he said 'Sure, if it made sense'. I think he
 could do it. He has a degree. He has a German accent."

-- Alan Moore (paraphrased) on Arnold Schwarzenegger playing
   Dr. Manhattan in a film adaptation of WATCHMEN
%%
"Eldon... do you think I'll make a good mother?"
	     "No -- but I will!"
[MURPHY BROWN]
%%
"It's not that the band's becoming less popular, just that its
 audience is becoming more selective."
[THIS IS SPINAL TAP]
%%
"Obviously I'd feel a lot worse if I wasn't under such heavy
 sedation."
[THIS IS SPINAL TAP]
%%
"They're quite fearful, actually.  We're on stage and we have
 armadillos in our trousers."
[THIS IS SPINAL TAP]
%%
"'My Country right or wrong' is like saying 'My Mother drunk or
 sober.' "
-- G. K. Chesterton
%%
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS WHY THE REC.ARTS.SF-LOVERS REORG WAS NULLIFIED:

  9. Trekkies mind melded with Spaf, gained control of him
     (and The Sacred Lists)!
  7. "I survived the great sf-lovers reorg" t-shirts delayed 6 months anyways 
  6. Libya, Iraq, and the PLO all pledged their support of the reorg
     (16-Y ballots from each)
  5. USENet Olympics pre-empted sf-lovers coverage in news.groups 
  2. Mike Brown threatened to post his Program Guide _AGAIN_ 

-- Allan Schaffer
%%
"Brought to you by IBM, because we're sick of all this complacency."
-- Scott Forbes
%%
"Coming up: Tape delay highlights from Beating a Dead Horse!"
-- Scott Forbes
%%
Selections from "Things I'd like to see the TV Flash do": 

 10) Start taking speed.
  8) Moon every person in the face at a NY Giants game within 10 minutes. 
  2) Deliver piping hot Domino's pizza.

-- Shelley Louie
%%
		      High Concept Reviews:

 THE PHILADEPHIA EXPERIMENT STORY:

 To keep his ex-wife (Katherine Hepburn) from marrying an
 up-and-coming politician (Ronald Reagan) in 1943, a scientist (Cary
 Grant) sends her into the future to see what the consequences of the
 marriage would be.  AAN to James Stewart as the PEOPLE reporter who
 follows her around in 1982.

[moi]
%%
		       High Concept Reviews:

 THE THING MAN: 

 Science Fiction thriller about group of scientists and soldiers
 stationed at the North Pole who uncover an extremely urbane, witty
 married alien couple frozen in ice (with their pet Wookie, Rastah)
 who, when revived, feed on plasma.  Happy ending where pig blood from
 a local kosher deli is used to satisfy Nrrk and Nrrr-a's appetites is
 a nice touch.

[moi]
%%
		       High Concept Reviews:

 HIGHLANDER NOON:	 

 Just when an immortal sheriff is planning to settle down with the
 local Quaker wench, three guys with swords show up on the noon stage,
 intending to cut his head off.  Slow story, but made famous by the
 hit song, "Do Not Behead Me Oh My Darling."

[moi]
%%
		       High Concept Reviews:

 GODZILLA IS MY CO-PILOT:	 

 Flag-waver about Navy test pilot who is convinced that a giant
 radioactive lizard will bail him out if he has plane troubles.
 Pretty maudlin, and the finale where Godzilla gets help for the
 flyboy after a crash is a direct ripoff from almost any LASSIE
 episode.

[moi]
%%
		       High Concept Reviews:

 LICENSE TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD: 

 James Bond tires of international intrigue and cosmopolitan living,
 turns in his double-O license and moves to a small town in the deep
 South, living as a hermit known as Arthur "Boo" Radley.  But when a
 group of sadistic bigots threaten the daughter of a local attorney,
 Bond straps on his Walther PPK and wipes out the entire Alabama Klan.
 Very satisfying film for liberals.  Special mentions: Ken Adams' set
 design for the huge launch pad (hidden beneath a cyprus swamp) used
 to launch a burning cross into orbit; and Olivia D'Abo as "Scout"
 Finch.

[moi]
%%
		       High Concept Reviews:

 A FRIGHT NIGHT AT THE OPERA:  

 A vampire (Sig Rumann) moves next door to the New York Metropolitan
 Opera company, and attempts to seduce it's financial benefactor
 (Margaret Dumont), but is thwarted by an ex-game show host (Groucho
 Marx), his Italian manager, and a mute vampire hunter.	Famous for
 Groucho's "My, what big teeth you have, Grandma!" line, and the
 classic scene with 20 people cooped up in a coffin.

[moi]
%%
		       High Concept Reviews:

 NATIONAL BLUE VELVET: 

 The story of a girl training her horse for the Grand Nationals in an
 odd American town.  Academy Award nomination to Dennis Hopper as her
 rather moody trainer.

[moi]
%%
 New hit show on Soviet TV:
	EIGHT ISN'T ENOUGH

-- Matt Crawford
%%
"Well, as long as there's sex and drugs, I could do without the
 rock 'n roll."
%%
"Hi. I'm subbing for Cliff Stoll on this panel, and will be ready to
 do so just as soon as I drink a case of Jolt Cola and stick my finger
 in an electric socket"
-- Tom Galloway
%%
Review of SWITCH:
"If *I* turned into a woman, at least I'd be a sensible dresser."
-- Dave Chalmers
%%
"Hell, boy, of COURSE not!  But I've had eight times as much
 experience as she has! No one can do the job as good as me!"

	     "Although there has been *remarkable* progress
	      with trained baboons."

[Peter David reunites Spock and McCoy in ST:TNG THE MODULA IMPERATIVE]
%%
"What *one* moment do you remember the most clearly?  What single
 incident haunts you?"

		     "Recalling how unaesthetic the Captain
		      looked with pointed ears and arched eyebrows."

[Peter David reunites Spock and McCoy in ST:TNG THE MODULA IMPERATIVE]
%%
"Uh, Bruce... who're you talking to?"

	     "A holographic image of a man only I can see."

"Cool.  Does he look like Dean Stockwell?"

[Peter David's HULK]
%%
"You've survived and truimphed over incredible odds!  So what does
 that make *you*?"
			     "Damned lucky."
"Damned RIGHT!"

[Dr. McCoy talks about heroes with Ryker in ST:TNG THE MODULA IMPERATIVE]
%%
"...Well, frankly, you look like hell.  I'd heard Vulcans looked
 *better* at your age!"
			     "Indeed.  And it was *my* understanding that
			      humans were generally dead at your age."

"Oooh!  How sharper than a serpent's tooth is the wit of a senile Vulcan!"

[Peter David reunites Spock and McCoy in ST:TNG THE MODULA IMPERATIVE]
%%
"To avoid slow performance, Apple suggests that the amount of virtual
 memory you select be less than the system RAM."

-- INFOWORLD
%%
I'm going to heaven, boys, when I die 'Cause I've crossed every "t"
and dotted every "i" My preacher tells me that I'm God's kind of guy
That's why Jesus loves me - but you're gonna fry

-- Austin Lounge Lizards
%%
		    From OREGON WILDLIFE magazine:

"Oregon big game regulations for 1991 bear, deer, elk, and squirrel
 general seasons have just been announced..."
%%
"You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for
 very long."
-- Boris Yeltsin
%%
Billboard seen outside of Anne Arbor:

       WELCOME HOME
	  GORBY!
 ---------------------------
 Next Time Vacation Michigan
%%
[in a thick Russian accent]:
"Help, I've fallen from power and I can't get up!"

		     "OK, Mr. Gorbachev, we've called your
		      immediate family and the major Western
		      heads of state and help is on the way."
-- CIMX
%%
	   "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my
	    father.  Prepare to die."

"Hello. My name is Bruce Wayne.  You killed my
 father. Prepare to die."

	      "Hello. My name is Hamlet. You killed my father
	       and married my mother. Should I do something
	       about it or not?"

			  "Hello. My name is Oedipus. I killed
			   my father and married my mother.
			   Prepare to be grossed out as I rip
			   out my eyes."

-- Tom Galloway
%%
"I am of pliant, supple whalebone made, And you are glue; the insults
 that you hurl Bounce off my buoyant frame and stick to you!"

-- ROMEO & JULIET, V iii 420-423, THE BOOK OF SEQUELS
%%
"Are you sure there are no hidden cameras up there?"
-- Arizona Rep. Don Kinney, while stuffing $55,000 into a gym bag
%%
"BBC is the best!"
		   -- Mikhail Gorbachev, discussing 
		      the radio news he listened to
		      while under house arrest
%%
"You wouldn't know a good time if it stripped naked, hopped on your
 face, and started wiggling!"
-- C. Stanley
%%
"Typos in FINNEGANS WAKE? How could you tell?"
-- Kim Stanley Robinson
%%
RECENT HEADLINE:
Pee Wee Yanks Wee Wee, CBS Yanks Pee Wee

[Pete Bellas]
%%
One thing you can say for PeeWee Herman - at least he wasn't
talking during the movie.
[?]
%%
Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic?
A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door.
-- David Kra
%%
"Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and I
 will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of
 situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a
 news conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it
 there! Does that answer your question?"

-- Dan Quayle
%%
"If God had wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates."
[Barbara Hlavin?]
%%
"Look, Mr. Jeffries, I'm not an educated woman, but I can tell you one
 thing: when a man and a woman see each other, and like each other,
 they oughta come together -- WHAM! -- like two taxis on Broadway."
-- REAR WINDOW
%%
"Director Oliver Stone's movie THE DOORS is basically JIM: THE LIFE OF
 AN ALCOHOLIC MORON."

-- Libby Gelman-Waxner
%%
"Oliver Stone, who also cowrote THE DOORS, may very well be America's
 favorite type of person: the talent-free genius....  Oliver's movies
 have messages like War is a bad scene and Poetry is beautiful; I
 think he studied philosophy and filmmaking with Gumby."
-- Libby Gelman-Waxner
%%
 Selections from 20 THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN "STAR TREK":

 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a
    type it has encountered several times before. 
 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface
    to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has
    forgotten to bring the right leads.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise,
    but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal
    with it to everyone's satisfaction. 

-- Graeme MacDonald
%%
 Selections from 20 THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN "STAR TREK":

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
    which does not put them on trial. 
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
    which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties. 
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
    being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in
    three sentences that anyone says to him.

-- Graeme MacDonald
%%
"What is your name?"
			     "Sir Brian of Bell."
"What is your quest?"
			     "I seek the Holy Grail."
"What are four lowercase
 letters that are not
 legal flag arguments to
 the Berkeley UNIX version
 of `ls'?"
			     "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"

-- Mark-Jason Dominus
%%
"This is no `Whoops'!  This is an `Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuggggggghhhh'!"
[TORCH SONG TRILOGY]
%%
"I'm sure we can handle this like mature adults, can't we, Mr. Poopy-Pants?"
[Lt. Frank Drebbin, Police Squad, in THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2]
%%
"`Uncle Bob'?"
[T2]
%%
"Hasta la vista, baby."
[T2]
%%
 Selections from ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER'S TOP TEN REJECTED
                 MOVIE LINES (and read by Schwarzenegger):

10.  My, what a lovely lacy doily.
 8.  Man-Oh-Man! Do I love fudge!
 5.  Can you please open this jar of olives for me?
 4.  Time to make the doughnuts, You Bastard!
 3.  Can you just let me keep the credit cards?
 1.  Who else loves show tunes?			  

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Code Orange -- That's a kid running around with his penis hanging out!"
-- YUMMY FUR # 24
%%
Selections from the ENTRANCE EXAM FOR DL.HUMOR:

12. A Tandem sales rep, an IBM sales rep, and a DEC sales rep are
    stuck on a desert island.  Which is the best way to end this joke? 

 a.  The IBM rep drowns trying to <deleted> the DEC rep. 
 b.  The Tandem rep finds a way off the island without the other two knowing.
 c.  The Tandem rep sells $3 million worth of orders to the other two
     while they await rescue.
 d.  I'm pretty happy seeing as many sales reps stuck on desert islands
     as possible.

-- Maddi Hausmann
%%
Selections from TOP TEN PROPOSED IMPROVEMENTS FOR WORLD 
                LEAGUE AMERICAN FOOTBALL FOR 1992:

10. After ``big plays,'' pictures of players and what they really
    do for a living.
7.  Fans allowed to participate on 4th down.
6.  Bodacious-bouncing-cheerleader-cam.
3.  Use of wrestling referees who "miss vital calls."

-- Jim Carson
%%
"THE NEBRASKA STATE MOTTO:	       
   `I dunno. What do you wanna do?'" 

-- Sharon O'Neil
%%
"It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age,
 he had been dead for two years."
-- Tom Lehrer
%%
"Congratulations, gentlemen. Thanks to the diligence of the FBI, this
 particular vacuum cleaner will never fall into the wrong hands."
[Howard Hughes in THE ROCKETEER]
%%
"Oh, Mac! That's some phallic symbolism!  You ARE a real man after
 all!"
	    "Gosh!  What a gun."
				  "He's already famous for it."

[A Billy Nguyen version of the famous Charles Atlas ad, in the 1991 AMAZING 
 HEROES SWIMSUIT ISSUE]
%%
"Stupidity is evil waiting to happen."
-- Clay Bond
%%
 Auditor:  Person who goes in after the war is
           lost and bayonets the wounded.
 Lawyer:   Person who goes in after the auditors
           to strip the bodies. 

[Author unknown at the University of Pennsylvania]
%%
Engineer's Estimate:  The cost of construction in heaven.
[Author unknown at the University of Pennsylvania]
%%
"This is not the 18th century. A bunch of hicks with squirrel
 rifles can't provide a good model for political action today."
-- Steve Cumming
%%
"Far too many people these days have grown used to boring,
 mass-produced cats, which may bounce with health and nourishing
 vitamins but aren't a patch on the good old cats you used to get."
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Unadulterated Cat"
%%
"If you see only one movie this year... you need to get out more."
[The tag line for THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2]
%%
"*Wait* *a* *minute*.  *Wait* *a* *minute*."
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
%%
"Just look at that. You proud of that sentence?  You want your mama
 and daddy to read that sentence?  You want your son or daughter to
 trustingly come upon that sorry-ass sentence someday buried way back
 deep in the public liberry and have to say my daddy wrote that?  My
 daddy wrote that pore shitty sentence sitting there with no more
 grain nor solace in it than a old damn *half-cooked* *canned*
 *sleazy* *puffy-ass* *artificial* *god* *damn* *depressing-looking*
 *so-called* *biscuit*? Hunh?  *Hunh?*"
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
%%
"Whud I *tell* you, boy?  You can't suck *no* blood from a *dead*
 squirrel.  *NAW!*"
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
%%
"Gah, ah ahhhhhhd, *damn*."
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
%%
"The devil can cite the Scriptures for his purpose; but the eternal
 true devil can cite the Simpsons for his purpose."
-- Roger X. Carasso
%%
"The best sauce in the world is hunger; but the best salad dressing is
 ranch or blue cheese."
-- Roger X. Carasso
%%
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.  Then the
 dentists, then the has-beens who've appeared on the Love Boat."
-- Roger X. Carasso
%%
"Usenet is William Shatner and George Bush trading places after being
 hit by lightning."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
%%
"Drixel, draxel, drosel, drone.  Time for this one to come home."
[From a well-remembered children's cartoon which I can't remember the name of]
%%
"USENET IS NEVER CRYPTIC."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
%%
"Usenet moves at the speed of dark."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
%%
"Usenet asks no questions, but gets many answers; Usenet is the
 biggest pencil in the world. Usenet is a sword whose blade is in
 Schenectady and whose handle is everywhere."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
%%
"Usenet is Frosty the Snowman comitting suicide with a flamethrower."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
%%
"Usenet is void where prohibited."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
%%
"Usenet is sans-serif but oblique."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
%%
"OK, here's another attitude: I think that people who collect comix
 solely for financial reasons have a separate level of Hell reserved
 for themselves after they die. I don't know for sure, but I'm trying
 to confirm it, because I plan to contribute to the construction
 fees."
-- Moi, THE OPTIMISTIC STURGEON
%%
"Someday some bruiser with arms like logs and breath like stale bread
 is going to stand over you and say, `Have you paid your dues, kid?
 Have you paid your dues?'  And when you're in a situation like that,
 you just remember the words of old Jack Burton.  You just look him
 straight in the eye and you tell him what Jack Burton always says in
 a situation like that.  'Have I paid my dues? Hell yes.  The check's
 in the mail.'"
[BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA]
%%
"I'm beginning to think that only stupid people can be truly happy."
-- nomia
%%
"Frats are these buildings where little boys go in, and big assholes
 come out. Seems to violate that conservation thing though."
-- talk.bizarre
%%
"I mean, you don't seem like a bad guy to me..."

		     "I don't, huh? I got a death touch, an
		      army of killer robots and a skull drawn
		      on my chest and I don't look like a bad
		      guy to you? I think you could be in the
		      wrong business."
[ANIMAL MAN]
%%
"Sacrificing yourself for a LAWYER? Time to rethink your priorities, bub!"
[THE FLASH (TV)]
%%
"This time, I TAKE NO PRISONERS, AND POST NO BILLS!"
[THE FLASH (TV)]
%%
"Some discoloration may occur after dying."
[THE FLASH (TV)]
%%
"Hmm hmm hmmm.... Reality stinks.  That's why I try to improve on it
 whenever I can."
[THE FLASH (TV)]
%%
"Nahhhh!  Too safe and too sane!"
[THE FLASH (TV)]
%%
"You call this a *trial*?!  This is nothing but a *kangaroo* *court*
 without the hoppy, furry guy!"
[THE FLASH (TV)]
%%
"Yeah, well, I had to wear special shoes when I was a kid."

			     "Did they make fun of you?"

"Nah... had poison blades in the toes, just like Rosa Klebb -- nobody
 messed with me."

[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"Now, I am not doing this for you, O'Connell; I am doing this...  for
 civilization!

 Whattya say?  Pretty please?"

[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"Ye Gods! annihilate but space and time, And make two lovers
 happy."
-- Alexander Pope
%%
"I hope the money men don't find out that I'd pay them to let me do
 this."
-- David Lean
%%
Selections from TOP 10 LIST OF SLOGANS TO PROMOTE
		KEVORKIAN'S SUICIDE MACHINE:

 10. Just try it once, that's all we ask.
  9. The quicker putter-downer.
  5. Claus Von Bulow says: 'I like it so much, I bought the company.' 
  3. Dammit, it's time you did something for you!

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"FACT: less than 10% of the psychiatrists in the US are actually
 practicing cannibals."
-- Rod Johnson
%%
"From a day when men knew how to design appliances in a wind tunnel!"
-- Eyebeam
%%
"Due to a typing error, Gov. Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the
 third paragraph as Mike Tyson."

-- Fitchburg-Leominster Sentinel and Enterprise
%%
"It was just a horribly violent, brilliantly done, pornographic movie."
-- Alistair Cooke re: I, CLAUDIUS
%%
Selections from TOP 59 MISTAKES MADE BY ADOLPH HITLER:

 59. Used same astrologer as the Reagans
 57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
 49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying,
     "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are
      you, a wimp?" 
 32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly
     with war advice
  9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
  1. Land War in Asia

-- Bear's_Class_Account@ub.cc.umich.edu
%%
More selections from TOP 59 MISTAKES MADE BY ADOLPH HITLER:

 50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
 41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
 31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S.
     for a little country place in Hawaii 
 27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
 25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls 
 12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back" 
 10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones

-- Bear's_Class_Account@ub.cc.umich.edu
%%
"Portions of today's Twisted Radio are sponsored by `Nut 'N Raisin
 Honey', the breakfast cereal for impotent men."
-- KISW
%%
"Ah, well, I attended Julliard.  I'm a graduate of the Harvard
 Business School.  I travel quite extensively.  I lived through the
 Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen THE
 EXORCIST about 167 times, and it keeps gettin' funnier EVERY SINGLE
 TIME I SEE IT!!"
[BEETLEJUICE]
%%
"I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em!"
[No idea -- they haven't published the answers to the movie quiz yet. :-) ]
%%
"Asking a writer 'where do you get your ideas' is like asking a
 butcher 'exactly what DO you put in this sausage'? "
-- Roy Blount Jr.
%%
THE BURNING BUSH TALKS TO MOSES:
"This is hallowed ground -- take off those ugly fucking Birkenstocks!"
-- Callahan
%%
"Fellas, I don't recognise the right of this committee to ask me these
 kind of questions. And furthermore... you can all go fuck yourselves."
[THE FRONT]
%%
"Nice legs....... for a human."
[Worf on STAR TREK:TNG]
%%
"Don't make me use this."
		     "Oh, not the mime.
		      *Anything* but the mime."
[THE FLASH]
%%
"The Soviet viewers preferred ads in which it was clear which product
 was being advertised -- a sentiment heard increasingly in an industry
 whose products have grown famously abstract.  But unlike native
 westerners of 25 years ago, the Russians -- weaned on propaganda and
 deeply distrustful of the media -- were sceptical of the adverts'
 messages.  Their interpretations were often quite sophisticated.  A
 spot for Listerine mouthwash was seen as a morality play where evil
 (bad breath) was conquered by good (the product). And sensible: a
 harried, carphone-toting yuppie was derided as unstable, hyperactive
 and frivolous."
-- THE ECONOMIST, 3/23/91
%%
Raymond Burr doing a spot for ALMOST LIVE!:
"I can't sign anything without my lawyer present.  Wait!  I am my
 lawyer!"

[Article about the local ALMOST LIVE! show in the Seattle Times]
%%
"`On [ALMOST LIVE!] there's very little of that fruity acting-troupe
 quality' found in some locally produced shows, notes [Ed] Wyatt.
 `Possibly that's because we're incompetent.'"

[Article about the local ALMOST LIVE! show in the Seattle Times]
%%
"`[ALMOST LIVE!] can't give you Sinead O'Connor', [Bill] Nye concedes.
 `But we can give you more jokes about Renton.'"

[Article about the local ALMOST LIVE! show in the Seattle Times]
%%
"That's bold talk for a one-eyed fat man!"
[TRUE GRIT]
%%
"It's a free country."
		     "Not for chickens, it ain't"
[ANGEL HEART]
%%
"Why don't you do something about these terrorists?"
	     "It's my lunch break."
[BRAZIL]
%%
"Hello?  Hello?  This is your dictator speaking."
[MOON OVER PARADOR]
%%
"You know, people might think you're cute, but me, I think you're just
 one really large baked potato."
[Sly Stallone in DEATH RACE 2000]
%%
"What is that?"
	     "I don't know, but it's pissed off and weird."
[Carpenter's version of THE THING]
%%
"You can't hurt me. I always wear a bullet-proof vest around the
 studio."
[HELLZAPOPIN']
%%
"Oh, come on, Frank! The Thunderbird is nothin' but a Beemer with a
 Yank decal."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"A census taker tried to quantify me once; I ate his liver with some
 fava beans and a nice chianti."
[The film version of THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS]
%%
"My name is Bellows. Can *I* ignore continuity, too?"
	     "Oh, all right.  But it had better lead to disaster."
[Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!]
%%
"Won't you have a seat, Lt. Sure?"

		     "Thank you, no.  Standing gives me the
		      psychological advantage, I'm told. Why
		      don't I run my theory past you, and see
		      if anyone cares to break down and
		      confess."
[DAMAGE CONTROL III]
%%
"Geez!  What a way to go!  His broken, battered body lying in a
 twisted heap out here in the middle of this godforsaken hell-hole!
 Good riddance!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
%%
"Just in case you were wondering -- *yes*, we do have to do our own
 stunts!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
%%
"I've always wanted to make a baseball film.  American values, and
 all that crap. WAY too boring, though."
[DAMAGE CONTROL III]
%%
"Um, Hulk?  Can we talk to you for a moment?"

		    "No!  I'm tryin' to watch the ball game, here."

 "FINE by me.  Your TV show bites."

[DAMAGE CONTROL III]
%%
"Fashion Police, Albert.  He's here to talk to you about your lapels."
[DAMAGE CONTROL III]
%%
"What is the capitol of North Carolina?"

			     "...Raleigh."

"...Fat lotta good *that'll* do me."

[Windom Earle interrogates on TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"And... styrofoam never dies, as long as you live."

[Andy on TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself. It is
 a hallmark of an authoritative regime."
-- Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart
%%
"If I could find a way to get [Saddam Hussein] out of there, even
 putting a contract out on him, if the CIA still did that sort of a
 thing, assuming it ever did, I would be for it."
-- Richard Nixon
%%
 "I rob from the rich and give to the poor
  I rob from the poor when the rich need more
  I rob from the rich again, but alas
  I never give anything to the middle class"
-- Robin Hoodlum
%%
"He's not just gonna talk, Fleischman, he's gonna SING!  Live PAVAROTTI!"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"A man may fight for many things; his country, his principles, his
 friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But
 personally, I'd mudwrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an
 amusing clock and a stack of French porn."
[BLACK ADDER III]
%%
Selections from TOP TEN QUESTIONS ASKED ON THE WHITE HOUSE TOUR:

 10.	 Can I crash here tonight?
  8.	 Hey, cool!  Whose slot cars?
  6.	 How can George Bush *stand* her?
  3.	 When's the next showing of CAPTAIN EO?
  1.	 Wow!  Who's the blonde with Weinberger?

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from BLITZEN'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES:

 10.	 When airliners jettison their chemical toilets right in front of you.
  6.	 Reindeer games tainted by steroids.
  3.	 Two words: Soviet airspace

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"I wonder why nobody consulted you."
	     "Incredible, isn't it?"
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"Another casualty of the seduction of art."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"Childhood is short and maturity is forever."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"It looks like we're a whole family again."
	     "Such as it is, yes."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"Twisted fiend!  No four walls can hold STUPENDOUS MAN!  You've been
 foiled again, evil Mom-Lady!  Ha ha ha!"

		     "Oh, yeah?"

"Great Zok! She's fixed her mind-scrambling eyeball ray on me! I'm
 suddenly filled with a desire to go back upstairs and do her
 nefarious bidding!"

		     "Glad to hear it."

[CALVIN AND HOBBES (of course)]
%%
"I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd
 known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS COMMUNISTS ARE NO DAMN GOOD AT:

  8.	 Laying rubber in front of the Dairy Queen
  6.	 Stage-diving at Motorhead concerts
  5.	 Broadcasting warm sitcoms featuring lovable black families
  2.	 Producing a boxer with as much heart as Rocky

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN EXCUSES OF THE EXXON TANKER CAPTAIN:

  9.	 Thought the harbor was filled with the soft, fluffy kind of rocks
  8.	 Felt flourishing salmon population was getting a little cocky lately
  7.	 Wanted to impress Jodie Foster

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN CHILDREN'S BOOKS NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE
		NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOCIATION:

 10.	 Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
  8.	 Legends of Scab Football
  2.	 Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off
  1.	 The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ATTRACTIONS AT DISNEY WORLD:

  8.	 Moses Malone's Enchanted Laundry Hamper
  7.	 Parade of short actors in stifling animal suits
  6.	 Pegleg Pete's Prison Shower Room
  4.	 Hall of Vice Presidents
  2.	 Turn the Hose on Lady and the Tramp

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN CHAPTER TITLES FROM SHIRLEY MacLAINE'S NEW BOOK:

  9.	 Pizza to go -- from Alpha Centuri
  8.	 Leif Erikson: Lousy in the Sack
  5.	 Flying Saucers: More Dependable than Eastern
  4.	 The Voices in My Head Argue Over Their Share of the Book Royalties
  1.	 *I'm* Crazy?  You Spent $21.95 on This Book!

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from BIGFOOT'S TOP 10 PEEVES:

  9.	 Nobody ever goes after Alf with tranquilizer darts
  7.	 This Dan Quayle jerk
  3.	 Elvis always drops by right before dinner
  2.	 Honking Winnebagos while you're trying to enjoy road kill
  1.	 Driver's license photo makes him look like Gregg Allman

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Pooh hasn't much Brain, but he never comes to any harm.  He does
 silly things and they come out right."
-- Piglet
%%
"While Popeye isn't replacing spinach with oat bran, he has replaced
 it with oatmeal, at least when he appears in commercials for Quaker
 Oats.  For a while he was singing `I'm Popeye the Quaker man...'
 while punching out Brutus/Bluto, but this was stopped after the
 Society of Friends protested that that wasn't quite how Quakers acted
 (Quaker Oats has no direct connection with the Society of Friends aka
 Quakers)."
-- Tom Galloway
%%
"Peter Parker's parents packed a piece? Were papered coppers?"
-- Kieran Mullen
%%
"Which would you rather watch: sword-swallowers and snake charmers
 from New Delhi... or *MacGyver*?"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"Not god's gift to women... more of a consolation prize!!"
[?]
%%
"Tacit agreement is acceptable, Leo."
[Windom Earle gives another monologue on TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"17 years old?  When we didn't get into Harvard?  We didn't handle
 *that* one very well, did we?  No, we didn't."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"It's bigger than your dish, Maurice."
[A discussion of TV dish size on NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"There are other ways besides *sex* to get a bladder infection,
 Fleischman."
		     "Yeah, but that's the funnest."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"Caligula is rather the method actor's nightmare -- I mean, how do I
 identify?"
-- John Hurt
%%
"MY DAD WENT TO KUWAIT AND ALL HE BROUGHT ME WAS THIS LOUSY GOLD
 BATHTUB FAUCET"
[Seen on rec.humor.funny]
%%
"I can tell she really cared for me: she didn't make me a
 pallbearer."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"LISTEN, you...  BLOODSUCKER!  Has it ever occured to you that old
 folks deserve to be treated like HUMAN BEINGS, whether they have
 money or not?!!"
			     "Yes... but it passes."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Come on in, friends; dignity's on me."
[Grandpa Simpson on THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"So what happens?"
		     "At 0700 hours tomorrow morning, my
		      shutdown disk will be activated, and all
		      mental and physical operations will
		      cease."
"And then what?"
		     "I don't know -- maybe I'll get a job as
		      a disc jockey."
[RED DWARF III]
%%
"Egads, the lad's an ad-libber."
[William Shakespeare comments on Sherman, Mr. Peabody' boy,
 on ROCKY AND HIS FRIENDS]
%%
"Peabody here.  Today Sherman and I are going back to the year 64 AD
 to visit with one of history's most reknowned violinists."

	     "Jack Benny?"

"No, that would be 39 AD, Sherman."

[Why, Mr. Peabody, or course on ROCKY AND HIS FRIENDS]
%%
And our heroes were quickly subdued.
     "I was pretty subdued when we started."
[BULLWINKLE!]
%%
"If a squirrel crawls into an electric transformer and explodes, does
 it make a noise heard over two block away?"
-- Brian McElhinney, ZEN FOR AMERICANS
%%
"Being a facetious person I get no credit for any depth of feeling."
-- Charles Portis, GRINGOS
%%
"I have come suddenly upon my heart and where it is I see no help for."
-- THE LADY'S NOT FOR BURNING
%%
"[CALVIN AND HOBBES] requires a great deal of research and I need to
 do more interplanetary exploration and paleontology work before I can
 continue."
-- Bill Watterson on his upcoming sabbatical
%%
"Actors and technicians were being demobbed every day. Very soon the
 only ham actor left in the combined forces would be General George
 Patton."
-- Michael Powell
%%
Selections from TOP 10 REJECTED NAMES FOR JOAN COLLINS' NEW PERFUME:

 10.	 Fleet's In!
  9.	 Who's Frying Eggs?
  6.	 If Symptoms Persist, Contact Your Doctor
  2.	 REALLY Old Spice
  1.	 Next!

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
 child."
-- Dan Quayle
%%
"Knock, knock."
		     "Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
		     "Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
		     "Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
		     "Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
		     "Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
		     "Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
		     "Who's there?"
"Phillip Glass."
-- Keith Bostic
%%
"I've never taken drugs, so that's why I'm probably not a big Doors fan."
-- Spike Lee
%%
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Dan Quayle
%%
"The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to
 tomorrow or past to the -- to the back!"
-- Dan Quayle
%%
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Dan Quayle
%%
"There's not going to be any more handler stories because I'm the
 handler ... I'm Doctor Spin."
-- Dan Quayle
%%
"We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have
 prevailed without them in RED STORM RISING."
-- Dan Quayle
%%
"I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman."
-- Dan Quayle
%%
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
 democracy - but that could change."
-- Dan Quayle
%%
"You all look like happy campers to me.  Happy campers you are, happy
 campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers
 you will always be."
-- Dan Quayle addresses American Samoans
%%
"Ha ha, now I have her, Do-Right, and you shall never get her back...
 or any other part of her, either."
-- Snidely Whiplash
%%
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD IN A G.E. RESEARCH LAB:

  7.	 "Whoops!"
  5.	 "Hey!	I think this is the episode where they almost get off
          the island!"
  3.	 "The new guy developed a new long-lasting inexpensive filament.
	  Kill him."
  2.	 "The squid is no longer responding to the mind control! Aaiieeeeee!"

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Los Angeles Police have decried NEW JACK CITY as a `violent,
 exploitive film'; and you know, folks, I'm thinkin' if anybody knows
 what a `violent, exploitive film' looks like this week, it's the
 L.A.P.D."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"The great innovators have always been fearless....  I have fallen off
 haystacks, out of trees, over cliffs.  I have been nearly drowned,
 shot and hanged.  I have been in countless car crashes without
 getting a scratch. I have been alone in an office with Louis B.
 Mayer."
-- Michael Powell
%%
"Art is merciless observation, sympathy, imagination, and a sense of
 detachment that is almost cruelty."
-- Michael Powell
%%
"Do I digress?  Well, I digress."
-- Michael Powell
%%
"Money runs downhill, and I've got a fishnet for a bucket."
-- Brian McElhinney
%%
"Theirs goes `doo doo doo do do do, doo doo doo do do do' and mine
 goes `doo doo doo do do do, *do* doo doo doo do do do' -- completely
 different."
-- Vanilla Ice, re: "Under Pressure" vs. "Ice Ice Baby"
%%
"No, no: the purpose of language is to cast spells on other people...."
-- Lisa Chabot
%%
Selections from CuD's COMPUTER UNDERGROUND FILM HALL OF SHAME:

 THE RUNNING MAN.  Hahahahahahahahah.  Arnold in Spandex yellow
 leotards.  Mick Fleetwood and Dweezil Zappa running the Revolutionary
 Left.  One hundred years from now, "Richard Bachman" will spin in his
 grave like a turbine whenever this is shown.  The "Weiss" character
 plays video skittles for a minute to crack the Secret Network Code.
 Rick Moranis says it best in Spaceballs: "That's the combination an
 idiot would have on his luggage!"
%%
Selections from CuD's COMPUTER UNDERGROUND FILM HALL OF SHAME:

 COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT.  Jim Thomas voted for this one, in
 appreciation of a malevolent defense computer with no off switch.
 It's the system manager's fairy tale: it never crashes, never needs
 new parts, never has transmission problems.  How long it takes us to
 reach this cybernetic state of grace is left to the viewer's
 imagination.
%%
Selections from CuD's COMPUTER UNDERGROUND FILM HALL OF SHAME:

 PRIME RISK.	 Komputer Kids with job and bank problems spoof their
 least favorite bank's ATM network, only to find someone doing it on a
 bigger scale, for money instead of curiosity and revenge.  The
 understanding and empathetic Federal agent rescues them and thanks
 them for their vigilance.  Uh huh.
%%
Selections from CuD's COMPUTER UNDERGROUND FILM HALL OF SHAME:

 WAR GAMES.	The first of the big "Swatch hacker" movies.  It
 spawned a wave of original thinkers with "joshua" as their user id or
 password. Were NORAD computers ever this insecure? For about ten
 seconds back in the Dark Ages, maybe.
%%
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
	    We're Tired, We're Cranky, We Don't Like the Government
%%
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
	    Lobotomies for Republicans: It's the Law!
%%
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
	    Making the World Safe for Big Chevys
%%
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
	    If War is the Answer, Then It's a Stupid Fucking Question
%%
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
	    Kick Butt, Then What?
%%
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
	    At Least We Can Drive to the Funeral
%%
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
	    War Gives Me Gas
%%
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
	    Send Bush, Send Quayle, Send Neil Bush When He Gets Out of Jail
%%
"I am not a spelling reformer.  I am a laissez-faire liberal in
 matters of spelling.  I do not care that our present system of
 spelling wastes time and paper.  I firmly believe that time and paper
 are of less importance than the perfect expression of the writer's
 meaning. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a Pedantick Booby."
-- Samuel Marchbanks
%%
"I have today received a communication from the Swirling Killer Loons
 of Dath, assuring me that *they* want war no more than *we* do... We
 have a trade treaty with them."

		     "Trade treaty?! We export 1400 luscious
		      young virgins, bound in silken ropes and
		      fattened for two years on raspberries
		      and chamois milk - and in return we
		      import a walnut. A walnut!"

-- Hordes of the Things
%%
"Wow!  *Nuthin'* shocks New York cabbies!"
-- ALICE
%%
"You, sir, seek greater emotion.  The deepest and most compassionate
 people have no more capacity for emotion than you, but they do have
 something you don't have.  A subscription to alt.callahans, the
 InterNet therapy group."

		     "I haven't even read the first posting,
		      and I'm already so overwhelmed with
		      sincerity and mutual support that I
		      could puke."

-- Steve Connelly
%%
"All good things come to those who wait."
[Dr. Hannibal Lector in the movie THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS]
%%
"I got all the way to the district finals at Knife River, only to find
 out the Airplane Slam is illegal."
[The disappointments of women's amateur wrestling.  From TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"From this year's Grammys winner's list:

	BEST POLKA RECORDING: 
  ``When It's Polka Time At Your House,''
    Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra.

If this doesn't *prove* the grammys are based solely on sales, then I
don't know what does."

-- Eli Messinger
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Paula Abdul

"In short, if she were a stock she'd be IBM."
-- Tony Shepps
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: AC/DC

"The lead singer is screaming better than ever."
-- Cliff Tuel
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: AC/DC

"Nice disco band."
-- Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Acoustic Alchemy

"Isn't this some sort of new-age stuff for discerning yuppies who've
 got bored with their Dire Straits albums?"
-- Al Crawford
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe

"Yeah, right. Sounds like the name of a law firm."
-- Cliff Tuel
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Rick Astley

"He has a nice... uhm... something. Crap music, of course."
-- Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Bananarama

"Oh, god, them and the Go-go's, right?"
-- Greg Tzeutschler
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Beatles

"When Trump was at his peak, he could has spent every penny on Beatle
 memoribilia and still not have everything."
-- Cliff Tuel
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Pat Benatar

"The best thing I can say about her is that she's a Kate Bush fan."
-- Susan Harwood Kaczmarczik
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Blondie

"I miss Blondie. Deborah Harry's zombie voice is a precursor to
 Depeche Mode, if they only knew it."
-- Susan Harwood Kaczmarczik
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Bon Jovi

"We have these guys to thank for 'glam metal'. Damn them."
-- Cliff Tuel
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: David Bowie

"After you've made The Best Album of the Seventies, five times,
 there's not much more to do than to make The Worst Album of the
 Eighties, three times, is there?"
-- Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Julie Brown

"She was doing stand-up comedy and figured she could make more money
 doing rock parody. She was right."
-- John M. Relph
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Kate Bush

"Net-ravings aside, a friend of mine recently said that he had heard
 that Kate is into drugs. My response -- if this be drugs, then let me
 at 'em."
-- Tony Shepps
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Kate Bush

"Now, I know I've heard that name somewhere before.  Kate Bush...  Um,
 yes, I know. She's God."
-- Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Kate Bush

"Hehehehe. Now what can I say that'll really whip the Bushies into a
 killing frenzy? Experience seems to suggest that anything short of
 total worship will result in my being beaten to death with _This
 Womans Work_. How about if I just told the truth and said that I
 don't like her voice?"
-- Al Crawford
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Butthole Surfers

"No talent. None. I love 'em."
-- Greg Tzeutschler
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: The Casual Gods

"OK, not as thrilling as music this loud should be."
-- Greg Tzeutschler
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Tracy Chapman

"What a cheerful, fun-loving individual she is.  Almost as
 laugh-a-minute as Tanita Tikaram."
-- Al Crawford
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: The Clash

"*London Calling* Just shut up and get it and play it loud."
-- Greg Tzeutschler
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Phil Collins

"Okay Phil, you've convinced us; you have the ability to turn out a
 sappy top ten hit pop single in your sleep. Why did you give up
 drumming?"
-- Tony Shepps
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: The Cramps

"talentless, offensive, ugly ... pretty cool."
-- Greg Tzeutschler
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Culture Club

"`War is stupid, and people are stupid.' Never have we seen such an
 intelligent summing up of the world today. Mesmerizing."
-- Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Tim Curry

"Please can we forget that he ever sang and just enjoy his wonderful
 acting?"
-- Susan Harwood Kaczmarczik
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Danielle Dax

"Tiffany in the wrong neighborhood."
-- Cliff Tuel
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Judas Priest

"I listened to _Stained Class_ when *I* was 16, and I didn't kill
 myself."
-- Tony Shepps
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Madonna

"Oh look, it's the new Madonna video. What's she going to do in this
 one? Hmmm. Goats....  corpses....live yoghurt.... damn.  Exactly the
 same as the last one."
-- Al Crawford
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: John Cougar Mellencamp

"Is white trash the American dream? JCM seems to think so."
-- Michael Graham
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: George Michael

"In 10-15 years, we'll all look at him and laugh, especially if he's
 still doing the same act with a butt that ain't quite as tight as it
 is now."
-- Tony Shepps
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper

"You can't live on a diet of nothing but Mojo, but any reasonable
 eating plan oughta include a few devil dogs once in a while."
-- Tony Shepps
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Donny Osmond

"I was shocked to find he's making a comeback, this time (by the looks
 of the video) as some sort of George Michael with extra teeth."
-- Al Crawford
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Todd Rundgren

"As good a Macintosh programmer as he is a musician."
-- Cliff Tuel
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Ringo Starr

"Just can't get no respect. I'd trade respect for his wife, though."
-- Ken Warkentyne
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Tangerine Dream

"With over 3400 albums, there's something for everyone!"
-- Cliff Tuel
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Tone Loc

"Provided us with the only commercial statement of the benefits of
 marijuana usage in the last three years."
-- Tony Shepps
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Tone Loc

"Crotch rap. People accuse Vanilla Ice of servicing the 'rap-impaired'
 by rapping so slooow; I suspect Tone the Real Estate agent was the
 start of this."
-- Nick Nicholas
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Stevie Wonder

"From his records I get the impression he's also become deaf in the
 last few years :-(."
-- Eerke Boiten
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Frank Zappa

"He should be most proud that the PMRC wants to put their obscene
 lyrics sticker on his `Jazz From Hell' -- which is an instrumental
 album."
-- Tony Shepps
%%
"Martin was probably ripping them off.  That's some family, isn't it?
 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software."
-- Charles Willeford, MIAMI BLUES
%%
"The less you know about home computers, the more you'll want the
 new IBM PS/1."
-- Ad in The Edmonton Journal
%%
"Get a life, punk!"
[The ever-amiable Albert on TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"I'm afraid I have to leave you now; I'm having an old friend for
 dinner."
[Is revenge a dish best served cold?  Ask Dr. Hannibal Lector.
 THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. (The Movie.)]
%%
"Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball."
-- Saturday Night Live
%%
"Its got polarity? If it has polarity, that means we can kill it. "
[A really dumb CBS Tv-Movie named NOT OF THIS WORLD]
%%
"Football is a mistake.  It combines the two worst elements of
 American life. Violence and committee meetings."
-- George Will
%%
"If you want to see your play performed the way you write them, become
 president."
-- Vaclav Havel
%%
"If we can put a man on the moon, why shouldn't it be Jerry Falwell?"
-- Doug Robarchek
%%
"The world is stunned by news of the discovery, and subsequent
 surrender, of a Japanese infantryman who has been lost in Powell's
 since 1945."
-- Jonathon Nichols
%%
"Nazi pride, Patsy Kline . . . it's all the same to me!"
-- J.Paul Slavens, Ten Hands
%%
"You have... 24 hours to live."
				     "24 HOURS?!!!"

"Well.... 22 -- I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long."

[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Harry, Windom Earle's mind is like a diamond.  It's cold, and hard,
 and brilliant."
[Coop on TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"In the shadows; can you beat that?"
				     "Nope."
[Harry and Cooper on TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"OK! Well, then; we're gonna go bowling."
[Dr. Jacobi decides to trade cigarettes in for a bowling ball for that post-
 sexual therapy session on TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"What he needs now is both understanding and... a Confederate victory!"
[Another Dr. Jacobi gem from TWIN PEAKS]
%%
Selections from TOP TEN FACETS OF BUSH'S STATE-OF-THE-UNION SPEECH:

 10. Kept profanity to a minimum
  8. Snuck the phrase 'penis breath' by the censors
  4. Advancing age has not dulled Bush's eloquent speaking voice
  3. Provided two more clues to Pepsi's 'Crack the Code' contest

-- Dick Piechowicz
%%
"I wish _I_ was a tiger."
			     "A common lament."

[CALVIN AND HOBBES (where else?)]
%%
"I haven't time to go chasing after him!  There's violence to be done!"
[MONTY PYTHON]
%%
 Spock was waiting for them when they got to the conference room.
 "Captain, I've run the data we collected through the computer."

		     "Well, Spock, you must be
		      a very proud young man.
		      So what's the deal with
		      these council weasels?"

-- Late Night With David Letterman
%%
"Decadent rodent, we will bury you."
[LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN]
%%
"Slam-damn-betcha, Jimmy."
[A nice rejoinder from Counsellor Heller on GABRIEL'S FIRE]
%%
"Something wrong with your friend?"

	     "He's a white man who thinks he's James Brown."

[From the ad to QUEEN'S LOGIC (I think that's the title)]
%%
Another Bush and Powell Discussion:

"What would be the result of an air strike on Wednesday night?"

	     "Millions of innocent civilians killed and the
	      city razed to the ground, Sir!"

"You know I don't understand that military
 jargon! Give it to me in words I can understand."

	     "Personnel density adjustment and strategic
	      collateral upheaval, Sir!"

"That bad?!"

-- BBC Radio 4
%%
What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vendor?

	     "Make me one with everything."

[An old joke off the net]
%%
Selections from SADDAM HUSSEIN'S TOP TEN WORRIES ABOUT DESERT STORM: 

 10. Boxcar Willie album collection hard to carry from bunker to bunker 
  9. During a night raid, he might mistake jock strap for gas mask (again) 
  8. Cutting off CNN may mean loss of MTV
  2. People keep calling his weapons names like	'scud'

-- Bill Owens
%%
Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun SPARCstation 2000 (tm):

 "Out here on the farm, you really learn to appreciate the value of
 good graphics resolution."

-- Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska

[Collected internally from a gag article at Sun...]
%%
Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun SPARCstation 2000 (tm):

 "After we lost most of our cattle stock to pellegra, our barn burned
 down.  After that, Joe got himself caught in the thresher and lost
 most of his body hair.  Then the banks foreclosed.  It sure was a
 comfort to know that we had 28 MIPs of power to see us through hard
 times."

-- Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine

[Collected internally from a gag article at Sun...]
%%
Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun SPARCstation 2000 (tm):

 "Last week we had a fella from Digital come out and look at the
 soybean crop.  After 20 minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his
 keyboard out the window.  We`re from old Norwegian stock, and we know
 a thing or two about bus controllers."

-- Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas

[Collected internally from a gag article at Sun...]
%%
"Marsha Williams, who has an office on the Embarcadero, found
 Tuesday's view fascinating: the bridge devoid of traffic, helicopters
 over- head and an inbound Exxon tanker sailing under the bridge as
 hundreds of demonstrators were chorusing, `One-two-three-four, what
 the hell are we fighting for?'  Exxon's tanker ploughed on, having
 answered the question. At the Standard Oil Building on Bush, scene of
 another lively protest, Joel Pimsleur sighted a protester waving the
 best sign to date: `George -- You Can't Start A War Until You Finish
 Your Broccoli!'

"George managed to force it down his throat, and others'."

-- Herb Caen
%%
"The thing is, though, we've even allied ourselves with Syria. Yes,
 our good friend and loyal ally, Afad Assad. Apparently Idi Amin
 wasn't available; he's locked up in a hotel in Cairo, trying to get
 down to his fighting weight."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"She thought she was going on a dream date....  But soon, she'll live
 through *every* *woman's* *nightmare*: DATE WITH AN ENGINEER!!"
[A skit from the local ALMOST LIVE show]
%%
"The dead, they ask the best questions; and we are answerable."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
%%
"The house is advertised as being an hour from 42nd Street.  Ha!  The
 only thing an hour from 42nd Street is 43rd Street."
[Cary Grant in MR. BLANDINGS BUILDS HIS DREAM HOUSE]
%%
"Nobody knows.  Nobody ever does know, for certain.  The old bus
 wobbles one way, and you think, `That's done it!' and then it wobbles
 the other way and you think, `All serene'; and then, one day, it
 wobbles over too far and you're in the soup and can't remember how
 you got there....  God! how I loathe haste and violence and all that
 ghastly, slippery cleverness.  Unsound, unscholarly, insincere --
 nothing but propaganda and special pleading and `what do we get out
 of this?'"
-- Dorothy L. Sayers, GAUDY NIGHT
%%
"They have women agents?"
			     "More or less."

[A revelation for Audrey on TWIN PEAKS]
%%
Selections from SADDAM HUSSEIN'S TOP TEN HOPES FOR THE NEW YEAR:

  9. In between brutally silencing his opponents he'll be able to
     find a little quiet time for himself.
  8. Be able to use the Video Toaster to make Iraqi TV footage of
     `Death to American Satan' rallies look more like a Vanilla Ice video.
  7. No one realizes that Tariq Aziz used to play Larry Tate on BEWITCHED.
  3. The New York Post will stop using his first name as a verb.

-- Peter Dill
%%
New York Magazine's "Non-English Phrase Redefinition" Competition:

 FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat.
 COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
 RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots.
 RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead.
 EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail.
 L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge.
%%
"Do not confuse MATURE(tm) with MASSIVE SEX AND GRAPHIC VIOLENCE(tm)!
 They are different creatures. CONCRETE contains mature themes, but
 has little nudity (most of it Concrete's art collection).  IMHO,
 CONCRETE is a GOOD(tm) comic due to the complexity of the characters
 and their reactions to their world.  ZOT! deals with mature themes
 without delving into excessive violence nor nudity.  G.I. JOE deals
 with massive violence without dealing with mature themes. The element
 of shock is within each one of these.  It's just that the nature of
 the shock varies.  And even more importantly the effect of the shock
 upon the READER varies in terms of acceptability.  And that level of
 acceptability determines whether YOU think it is a good comic or not.
 And that is all that counts in the end."
-- Shelly Louie
%%
"I'm the blood-thirstiest, shoot-firstiest, absolute worstiest, pirate
 that ever sailed the seven seas!"
[Yosemite Sam]
%%
"That rabbit has stolen the Illudium PU-38 Space Modulator! Delays, delays!"
[Martin Martian]
%%
"Wile E. Coyote, Super Geenniuusss. I like the sound of that. Wile E.
 Coyote, Super Genius."
[Oh, come on?  Who else?]
%%
"My own little bunny rabbit. And I will hug him and squeeze him and
 pat his little head.  And I will call him George."
[A standard Looney Tunes gag line.]
%%
"If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a
 lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would
 conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine."
-- Rob Stampfli
%%
"What's this?  A Buck Wogers Wightning Quick Wabbit Kiwwer!"
[Elmer Fudd]
%%
"You just go back to whatever Stygian depths you came from, fella."

	     "`Stygian depths.'	 I like that.  You mention
	      Dante to most people and they ask you how you
	      liked GREMLINS."

[The I OF NEWTON episode of the new TWILIGHT ZONE]
%%
"What's this Iraq stuff?  It wasn't in the TV GUIDE!"
[ALMOST LIVE]
%%
"Geez, I wish that was my name.  Sounds like James Bond, y'know?
 `Hume. Britt Hume.'"
[Wayne's World from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
%%
"And if we do go to war, I can assure you, it will not be another
 Vietnam.  Because we have learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam:
 Stay out of Vietnam."
[Dana Carvey does George Bush on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
%%
"Last week, Saddam Hussien released all the hostages. President Bush
 said he still planned to use military force if need be against Iraq,
 unless they left Kuwait. This week, Hussien said, OK, OK; I'll be out
 of Kuwait in a week. Bush said, too late, we're gonna attack anyway;
 you have embarrassed me in front of my woman."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"After weeks of mounting tension, $1 million at stake and the world
 chess championship on the line, Gary Kasparov went berserk yesterday,
 took off all his clothes, and yelled `Yahtzee!'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"The distinction between a statesman and a politician is that the
 former imposes his will and his ideas on his environment while the
 latter adapts himself to it."
 -- Dick Crossman
%%
"We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we were beginning to
 form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in
 life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and a
 wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress
 while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization."
-- Petronius, 100 BC
%%
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look
 stupid."
-- Hedy Lamarr
%%
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by
 those who have not got it."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"If I didn't have writing, I'd be running down the street hurling
 grenades in people's faces."
-- Paul Fussell
%%
"I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a
 fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
 dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley
%%
"I'm convinced there's a small room in the attic of the Foreign Office
 where future diplomats are taught to stammer."
-- Peter Ustinov
%%
"Look for the ridiculous in everything and you find it."
-- Jules Renard
%%
"Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be
 smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's
 important."
-- Eugene McCarthy
%%
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep.
 That's deep enough.  What do you want, an adorable pancreas?"
-- Jean Kerr
%%
"There are times when you have to choose between being human and
 having good taste."
-- Bertolt Brecht
%%
"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human
 intelligence long enough to get money from it."
-- Stephen Leacock
%%
"All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness
 of the few."
-- Stendhal
%%
"Almost all reformers, however strict their social conscience, live in
 houses just as big as they can pay for."
-- Logan Pearsall Smith
%%
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
-- Lily Tomlin
%%
"Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they're
 scraping from the top of the barrel."
-- Gore Vidal
%%
"I've always thought respectable people scoundrels, and I look
 anxiously at my face every morning for signs of my becoming a
 scoundrel."
-- Betrand Russell
%%
"Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one."
-- A.J. Liebling
%%
"Television is democracy at its ugliest."
 -- Paddy Chayefsky
%%
"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've
 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves."
-- Brendan Behan
%%
"To laugh, to lie, to flatter, to face: Four ways in court to win
 man's grace."
 -- Roger Ascham
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- December 21st
"In a weapons deal that could upset the balance of power in the
 Mideast, France agrees to sell $175 million worth of rocks to
 Palestinian youths."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- December 12th
"In World Cup Soccer Riot action, British fans easily defeat the
 Belgian Army."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- December 10th
"Romania, taking its first tentative steps toward Western-style
 democracy, broadcasts the Willie Horton ad."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 27th
"Britain forms an entirely new government in roughly the amount of
 time it takes the U.S. Congress to declare National Celery Month."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 23rd
"In a historic summit agreement that eliminates the last irritating
 remnant of the Cold War, George Bush and Mikhail Gorbachev sign a
 treaty under which the two sides will jointly execute comedian Yakov
 Smirnov.  Best Western stocks soar."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 8th
"President Bush, reinforcing the American commitment to remain in the
 Persian Gulf until the job is done, orders an additional 250,000
 high-level White House aides to come up with the real reason that we
 are there."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 9th
"Over the heated objections of Manuel Noriega's attorneys, CNN
 broadcasts a tape of the deposed Panamanian strongperson performing
 `My Way.'"
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 6th
"In midterm elections, the voters, clearly fed up with the
 incompetence, corruption and rampant hypocrisy of the incumbents,
 re-elect them."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 4th
"Mary Martin dies and ascends to heaven on clearly visible wires."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- October 19th
"In championship chess action, the opening match ends in a draw when
 Garry Kasparov attempts a daring Queen Rook Gambit, only to see the
 wily James `Buster' Douglas lunge across the table and grab both of
 the champion's Ring Dings."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- September 24th
"A Cincinnati art museum and its director go on trial on obscenity
 charges after exhibiting a group of U.S. political campaign
 commercials."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- September 14th
"Concern is once again focused on the quality of American schools when
 the U.S. Education secretary releases a report that turns out to have
 been copied verbatim from the Interior secretary's report on offshore
 drilling."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- August 1st
"Iraq invades Kuwait, setting off worldwide panic as thousands of
 oil-company executives pour into Ferrari dealerships."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 30th
"Major League Baseball Commissioner Fay Vincent, exercising his
 authority to protect the best interests of baseball, has George
 Steinbrenner fed to weasels."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 27th
"Showing great social awareness, the PGA announces that it will no
 longer hold golf tournaments at country clubs that own slaves."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 9th
"In the annual Forbes magazine list of the world's wealthiest
 individuals, the No. 1 ranking goes to a guy named Bud who knows how
 to fix transmissions. "
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 7th
"The Supreme Court rules 9-0 that if it hears another word about
 flag-burning, it's going to puke."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 5th
"The Soviet Communist Party Congress, continuing the movement toward
 Western-style democracy, accepts $135,000 from banker Charles
 Keating."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- June 27th
"NASA begins to suspect that there might be a little problem with the
 $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope when it starts transmitting
 extreme close-up photographs of a sticker that says `REMOVE THIS
 STICKER BEFORE LAUNCHING TELESCOPE.'"
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- June 18th
"In golf, tension and high drama grip the U.S. Open as Hale Irwin and
 Mike Donald show up wearing the same pants."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- June 5th
"Resolving a complex case in which seven couples are claiming custody
 of a child resulting from an artificially inseminated egg that was a
 frozen embryo through four divorces and was incubated in two
 surrogate mothers, a judge rules that the child should be raised by
 wolves."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- May 30th
"The Bush administration renews China's preferential trade status
 after the Chinese government, responding to criticism of its human-
 rights policies, agrees to shoot civilians with a smaller caliber of
 bullet."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- May 14th
"Congress, despite strong lobbying efforts by the National Rifle
 Association, bans private ownership of aircraft carriers."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- April 2nd
"In a major coup for U.S. intelligence, a U.S. spy satellite
 successfully penetrates a Soviet Politburo meeting through the roof.
 Unfortunately, the satellite is destroyed upon impact. Fortunately,
 the meeting is also being broadcast on CNN."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- March 31st
"President Bush compares broccoli to Hitler."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- March 5th
"True item: Cardinal John O'Connor reveals that twice in the past
 year, New York City priests have performed exorcisms to cure people
 who are possessed by demons. The cardinal does not mention George
 Steinbrenner by name."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- March 4th
"The Republic of Mauritania attempts to secede from the Soviet Union,
 only to be informed, in a strongly worded rebuke from Mikhail
 Gorbachev, that it is located in Africa."
%%
"Mr. BOB, you've killed Theresa Banks, Laura Palmer, Jacques
 Renault, and Maddy Ferguson. What are you going to do next?"

	     "I'm going to Disneyland!"

-- Richard Barrett
%%
Never kick a gift horse in the mouth.
[Off the net]
%%
"I was awakened at 6:30 this morning by the maid, saying the 5 words I
 just dread to hear: `The monkey's had an accident.'"
-- David Letterman
%%
"That's a good color for him."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Doc Hayward said you needed familiar stimulants, so we figured, what
 the hell, kazoos."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"The guy on the TV specials isn't the original Bob Hope.  There's
 eight of them, I think.  Like Lassie."
[KISW (local Seattle Radio Station)]
%%
"SO BE IT!  The fate of the UNIVERSE is in your hands!"

			     "Talk about job-related stress."
[MIGHTY MOUSE comic book]
%%
"While you are here, your wives and girlfriends are dating handsome
 American movie and TV stars. Stars like Tom Selleck, Bruce Willis,
 and Bart Simpson."
-- Baghdad Betty
%%
Selections from TOP 10 NEW JOBS FOR MILLI VANILLI:

 10. Open law firm of Jacoby, Meyers, Milli, Vanilli
  8. Jamaican pickpockets in American Express commercial
  4. Fact-checkers at "20/20" in the Buckwheat Division
  3. Even Newer Kids on the Block

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is
 alive?"
-- Irv Kupcinet
%%
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
[Off the net]
%%
"The shortest distance between two points is through Hell."
-- Brian Clark
%%
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
 And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and
 stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than
 rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
-- Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"
%%
"It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's more true that
 power attracts the corruptible.  The sane are usually attracted by
 other things than power. When they do act, they think of it as
 service, which has limits. The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for
 which he is insatiable, implacable."
-- David Brin
%%
"The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid
 moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the
 possibility that there may be something to them we are missing."
-- Gamel Abdel Nasser
%%
"In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a
 nice, solid piece of wood in your hands."
[THIS IS SPINAL TAP]
%%
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting."
-- Alan Dean Foster
%%
RULES FOR STARFLEET PROGRAMMERS, #4:
"Self-destruct routines are never carried through, so there is no need
 to program them as anything more than a cosmetic shell. But be sure
 the countdown always runs past 1, to the last millisecond before the
 ship blows up, for dramatic values."
-- Mitch Wagner
%%
RULES FOR STARFLEET PROGRAMMERS, #2:
"Never allow calculation of the exact value of pi."
-- Mitch Wagner
%%
"I don't have an unclassified opinion."
[A friend of a friend]
%%
Excerpt from conversation between customer support person and customer
working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:

"You're not our only customer, you know."

	"But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
%%
Recent Microsoft ad:

"Some people don't see the advantages of combining Microsoft
 applications. But then some people didn't see what would come of
 mixing nitro and glycerin"
%%
"Witkin and Kass obtain a jumping motion for Luxo by formulating it as
 a two-boundary-point optimization problem [40]. The results produced
 are impressive, but their formulation appears to have a problem with
 the takeoff and landing occurring with only one edge of the base in
 contact with the ground. Their Luxo jump sequence has a takeoff and
 landing with a flat base. From our experience with the torques
 necessary to make Luxo perform a jump, we are convinced that a jump
 with a flat base on takeoff and landing is very difficult to perform
 and would therefore not be a natural mode of locomotion for a lamp."

-- Siggraph '90 proceedings, page 233.
%%
"It was the dumbest thing I had ever seen, but it's a family thing,
 and I guess it's clean."
-- Barbara Bush re: THE SIMPSONS
%%
"They just sent out announcements for the conference on massively
 parallel systems. I got 600 of them."
-- Andy Koenig
%%
"You remember those guys who were show writers sitting around the
 office in the old `Dick Van Dyke Show'? When I was a kid, it looked
 like the best job in the world . . . and it is."
-- Harley Peyton
%%
"There's no joy in Mudville tonight!"
-- Jesse Helmes, commenting on his election victory over his
   black opponent, Harvey Gantt
%%
"The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering
 wheel and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible
 with a horse."
-- Jac Goudsmit
%%
"Homer was never stubborn!  He *always* folded instantly over
 anything!  It was as if he had no will of his own!
 Isn't that true, Homer?"
			     "Yes, Dad!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Pompous blow-dried college boy!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Hello!  Operator!  Get me the number for 911!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Let's go!  If I'm not back at The Home by nine, they declare me
 legally dead and collect my insurance!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"It's YOUR FAULT America has lost its way!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"I can't believe it! You actually found a practical use for geometry."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Hee hee hee!  That Marmaduke..."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Who wants to build character?  Let's quit!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Let me tell ya something, Bellows..."

			     "What's that, Murph?"
"Bean dip... is my world."
			     "Really?  Well, so is lard, cholesterol,
			      salt and cancer."
"This has *salt*?"
[THE FLASH]
%%
"Last kid that did that's now called `Stumpy'."
[THE FLASH]
%%
"Never disturb me when I'm laughing."
[THE FLASH]
%%
"Brutus... you're like a mouse with an attitude."
[THE FLASH]
%%
"Hee hee hee.... Kids say such stupid things."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"I won't even subject you to the horrors of our 3 Stooges ward."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"You think *you* got guts.  Try raising my kids."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"`I am that merry wanderer of the night'?  I am that
 giggling-dangerous-totally-psychotic-menace- to-life-and-limb,
 more like it."
[SANDMAN]
%%
"You played me well, mortal. But I have played me for time out of
 mind.  And *I* do Robin Goodfellow better than anyone."
[SANDMAN]
%%
"The best in this kind are but shadows; and the worst are no worse, if
 imagination amend them."
[Why, Shakespeare.  (A MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT'S DREAM, performed in SANDMAN)]
%%
"*Just* what the world's been waiting for.  The charge of the
 trenchcoat brigade."
[THE BOOKS OF MAGIC]
%%
"Could I do what he did?  Could I be as powerful as Merlin?"

	     "Powerful?	 A strange word to use, in
	      connection with him."

[THE BOOKS OF MAGIC]
%%
"*WHAT??!  You voted for the guy who draws `The Punisher'? JUDAS!
  You brain-dead little FANBOY!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
%%
"OK, so I'm hallucinating.  I was wondering why the drawing got so
 stylized all of a sudden!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
%%
"You have ten seconds to become a peaceful, productive member of
 society.  If you fail to do so, I will pluck your eyes out and squash
 them flat."
[PAUL THE SAMURAI]
%%
"Mysteries are *boring*, Paul.  Stick to the cardinal super-hero rule:
 Beat Up All Suspicious People."
[PAUL THE SAMURAI being instructed by The Tick]
%%
"I seem to suffer from irrelevant flashbacks."
[A bit of self-analysis from PAUL THE SAMURAI]
%%
"Wait!  I have money -- a fortune!  You can have it all."

	     "Well, thank you, I will."
[WISEGUY]
%%
"Well, I've lived in these old woods most of my life...  seen some
 strange things, but this is way off the map -- I'm having a hard time
 believing..."

	     "Harry, is it easier to believe that a man would
	      rape and murder his own daughter?	 Any more
	      comforting?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Leland, Leland... You've been a good vehicle, and I've enjoyed the ride."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Oh gosh golly gee geewhiz, I guess I kinda sorta did.  I have this
 thing for knives."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Ran out of tuna fish."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Through the dark of future past
 The Magician longs to see.
 One chants out between two worlds
 Fire, walk with me."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Would you like us to hum?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Our lives have taken an odd turn."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"My wife and kids stood by me.  On the way home I realized how little
 that helped."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Can we go on after MURPHY BROWN?"
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
%%
"This is pathetic, Michael!  It's people like you who are turning us
 into a mindless, culturally ignorant society on the verge of decay!"

		     "So?"
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
%%
"President's Day!  What a rip-off!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Plutonium rod used as paperweight."
				     "Ooooh!  Now that shouldn't be!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"But don't take my word for it.  Let's ask an actor playing Charles
 Darwin what he thinks!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"ON-LY A MORON WOULDN'T CAST HIS VOTE FOR MON-TY BURNS!!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"The voters now see you as imperial and god-like."

			     "Hot dog!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"He is Bob
 Eager for fun!
 He wears a *smile*
 Everybody *run*."
		   -- Mike
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Cooper, you remind me today of a small, Mexican Chihuahua."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Great!  Paydirt!  You'll have to speak up, Sheriff, hearing's gone!
 Long story!"
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Y'know, you are the best lawman I've ever seen; but Coop, sometimes
 you think too much."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"She's truly evil."
		     "Either evil or a greedy child.  She wants what
		      she wants when she wants it."

[From the LAW AND ORDER series]
%%
"Possibly even more important, Tintin bears a certain visual
 resemblance to Charlie Brown.  It was gratifying to see that a
 childhood loser could grow up to be as resourceful and graceful as
 Tintin, and get to go to all kinds of cool places!"
-- Jim Dyer
%%
"Another note: Gerard Jones must die.  Well, I'll settle for a better
 sinister laugh than `Hee hee.'  I don't know what's `better', but
 `hee hee' is what I've come to associate with Sam and Max rather than
 True Evil..."
-- Paul Aoki
%%
"Now that whole war thing, I was against that from the start!"

		     "Well, I think most of us were."

"Yes, but I DID something about it. . .  I wrote a letter.  I wrote,
 'Dear Sirs, Stop it.'"

-- Peter Cook and Dudley Moore
%%
"Here's a new theory, I think everyone in the town got together late
 one night, and decided to go over to the Palmer house and kill Laura,
 and Bob stands for a Bunch of Bastards."
-- Ajai at Penn State
%%
"Times are bad.  Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone
 is writing a book."
-- Cicero
%%
"There's things you can't get in books."

	     "There are things you can't get anywhere; but
	      with dreams, they can sometimes be found in
	      other people."

[Donna and Harold Smith on TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Sid, can you fix us up with three Black Yukon Sucker-Punches?"
[The rather quaint Judge on TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"You know, it'd be convenient if every pork-bred pea-brain Congressman
 was running for office this year, so we could feel good about voting
 them out of office; but unfortunately, we can't all live in North
 Carolina."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"I'M A WHOLE DAMN TOWN!!"
[Andy's rabbit died.  Well, kinda.... TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Good thing you guys can't keep a secret."
[Damn good thing!  TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Cheese doodle?"
	     "Do you have any idea what's in these things?"
"Sure: they're cheese with doodle flavoring."

[Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
%%
"You'll be sorry!  PHANTOM isn't the same in Providence! It stars Erik
 Estrada! And he plays an ACCORDION!"
[Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
%%
"Once actor Raymond Burr was confronted by a fan who demanded to know
 how it was that [Perry Mason] won every case.  `But madam,' he
 replied smoothly, `you only see the cases I try on Saturday.'"
-- THE COMPLETE DIRECTORY OF PRIME TIME TV SHOWS
%%
"Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck."
-- Robin Williams
%%
"Hmmm... for a superior race, they really rub it in."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Anyone from a species that has mastered inter-galactic travel, raise
 your hand....  Alright, then."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"On this cable system, you will recieve one million channels from the
 furthest reaches of the galaxy!"

	     "Do you get HBO?"

"...no, that would cost extra."

[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"OK, boy, let's see you talk your way out of *this* one."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
			**********
		       ************
		     ****************
		     **	 HERE LIES **
		     **		   **
		     **	  CASPER   **
		     **	   THE	   **
		     **	 FRIENDLY  **
		     **	   BOY	   **
		     **		   **
		     ****************
		     ****************
		     ****************

-- THE SIMPSONS
%%
"Nothing is beautiful unless it is large.  Vastness and immensity can
 make you forget a great many weaknesses."
-- Emperor Napoleon I, ruler and OS/2 user
%%
"Hmmm... Not strong enough. How about, `I was wrong, I'm very happy
 for you, and I should be forced to sit between two sweaty guys on an
 airplane and watch GHOST DAD?'"
[Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
%%
"Private luxury jet... you know what that means!  *Gucci barf bags*!"
[Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
%%
"What's it going to take to get me through this flight?"

			     "Depends."
"It depends? On what?"
			     "No, Depends -- the adult diaper."
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
%%
"Everyone has heard of Canterbury if only because they murder
 archbishops there."
-- Michael Powell
%%
"Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of political intercourse."
[???]
%%
"Blood sausage, suet pie ... It's like all of Scottish cuisine is
 based on a dare."
[SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
%%
Review of Liz Taylor in THE MIRROR CRACK'D:
"... a Pharaonic mummy moving on tiny castors
     like a touring replica of the Queen Mother."
[Famous film review comment, taken from a Usenet quiz.]
%%
"Marlon Brando is so obviously stunned that you feel he is somehow
 playing the lead in THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO."
[Famous film review comment, taken from a Usenet quiz.]
%%
Review of Tom Cruise in COCKTAIL:

"He might just as well go about with a sack over his head imprinted
 with the words I AM GOOD-LOOKING. As it is, he struts his second-rate
 stuff... giving the sort of performance which will make
 self-respecting bartenders everywhere weep."

[Famous film review comment, taken from a Usenet quiz.]
%%
"You bust through the door and create a diversion. They all turn and
 aim at you.  You try to sweet talk them out of blowing your brains
 out. While I, sneak around back, bust in, and *really* surprise 'em!"
[SHOOTING STARS]
%%
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dying time is here."
[MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME]
%%
"I didn't kill Grandpa!  Society killed Grandpa!!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Don't blame me... *I* didn't do it!"
-- Krusty The Clown
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the
 bottom of a bottle.  THEY'RE ON TV!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Look lady, we've seen the crappy little elves!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Beer!  Now there's a temporary solution."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Nor do I agree with the viewpoint of the Libertarians, who seem to
 think that citizenship carries with it an inalienable right to
 selfishness."
-- Heidi Wolf
%%
"Instant gratification is not fast enough."
-- Suzanne Vega, "Postcards from the Edge"
%%
"Savior-faire is everywhere!"
[Dunno, but it sounds great, doesn't it?]
%%
"Wine gives me a headache.  I'll have a double kamikaze."
[Ms. Depesto in MOONLIGHTING]
%%
"Leave it to a Wop to bring a knife to a gun fight."
[THE UNTOUCHABLES]
%%
"It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
[TOP GUN]
%%
"Son, you're ego is writing checks you're body can't cash."
[TOP GUN]
%%
"He was born with the gift of laughter and the sense that the world
 was mad."
-- SCARAMOUCHE
%%
"Monsieur, a wafer-thin mint?"
[MONTY PYTHON'S MEANING OF LIFE]
%%
"Son, all I've asked my men is that they obey my orders as they would
 the word of God."
[FULL METAL JACKET]
%%
"I want you to make that head so clean that the Virgin Mary would be
 proud to take a dump in there."
[FULL METAL JACKET]
%%
"There is no racial bigotry here.  Here you are all equally
 worthless."
[FULL METAL JACKET]
%%
"You listen to *me*! While I will admit to a certain cynicism, the
 fact is I am a nay-sayer and hatchet man in the fight against
 violence! I pride myself in taking a punch and I'll gladly take
 another because I choose to to live my life in the company of Ghandi,
 and King! My concerns are *global*.  I reject absolutely revenge,
 aggression, and retaliation!  The foundation of such a method... is
 love....  I love you, Sheriff Truman."
[The one and only Albert, on TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Albert's path is a strange and difficult one."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Oh, by the way, you were shot with a Walther PPK.  It's James Bond's
 gun, did you know that?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Next time I say, `Let's go to Bolivia'...  let's go to Bolivia!"
[BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID]
%%
"Jesus, You're a hooker?  I forgot! I just thought I was doing great
 with you!"
[ARTHUR]
%%
 "I will not encourage others to fly.
  I will not encourage others to fly.
  I will not encourage others to fly."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Rise and shine, Springfield!"
		     "It's the Bill & Marty Show! He's Bill!"
"He-e-e's Marty!"
		     "Two grown men who can't get enough of each
		      other!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"I'm no theologian; I don't know who or what God is, exactly.  All I
 know is, he's a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together,
 and you owe him *big*."
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Ha ha ha!  Hey, look everybody!  John Hancock's writing his name in
 the snow!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Diane, 1:18 AM. Long day, turning in. Albert Rosenfield has arrived,
 and with his usual charm has completely won over the local
 population. As Sherman did in Atlanta."
[Collected notes to Agent Cooper tape (TWIN PEAKS merchanise)]
%%
"I will tell you three things.  If I tell them to you, and they come
 true, then will you believe me?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"I wish I could have cracked the Lindbergh kidnapping case."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Sheriff, a picture is forming!  Big axe on the couch; these same
 geese were flying that evening... Leo was trying to turn someone
 into kindling."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Albert, where does this attitude of general unpleasantness come
 from?"
	     "I'll have to get back to you on that."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Would you like to play with fire, little boy?  Would you like to play
 with Bob?  Would you like to play with *Bob*?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"When did you start smokin'?"

	     "I smoke every once in a while.... helps relieve
	      tension."

"When did you get so tense?"

	     "When I started smokin'."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"I'm dog tired... A man can only go so long without submitting to a
 period of rest.  For as we know from experiments conducted on
 American G.I.s during the Korean War, sleep deprivation is a one-way
 ticket to temporary psychosis."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"The things I tell you will not be wrong."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Has anyone seen Bob on Earth in the last few weeks?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"I performed the autopsy on Jaques Renault; stomach contents revealed,
 let's see: beer cans, a Maryland license plate, half a bicycle tire,
 a goat... and a small wooden puppet, goes by the name of Pinnochio."

		     "You're making a joke."

"I like to think of myself as one of the happy generations."

[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"She *seemed* like a very nice girl."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Jerry, please kill Leland."

	     "Is this real, Ben, or some strange and twisted
	      dream?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Emmy fight, Emmy fight!"
[Saturday Night Live sketch]
%%
"These toys are just *adorable*!  Who would have guessed that they
 were inspired by an insane criminal genius?"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Ella, Ella, Ella... Never knock on Death's door.  Ring the bell and
 run away! Death *really* hates that."
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
%%
"You mean there's no one with principles left in our family?"

			     "There's always Mom."

"Nnnnnaaaah.... She's no DAMN good anymore, either!"

[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
%%
"There are 10 pins in my heart.  You've knocked over eight; won't you
 please pick up that spare?"
[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"`The Perfect Crime'?!  Who do you think you are, president of a
 Savings and Loan?"
[I've forgotten!  DOCTOR, DOCTOR?  TINY TOON ADVENTURES?]
%%
"An article in MONEY magazine named Bremerton [Washington] as the Most
 Livable city in the United States.  According to the article, cities
 were rated on three factors: economic vitality, housing costs, and
 number of drunken sailors."
-- The John Report
%%
"And now is the time on Sprockets when we dance."
[Saturday Night Live]
%%
"Cooper... I think I'm going to head out, too."

	     "Oh, not yet, Harry -- we still haven't heard from
	      the Log Lady."

"Cooper, you're not going to hear from the Log Lady."

	     "Why not?"

"...Well, because there's only two women left on Saturday Night Live,
 and we've already used them both up."

[Saturday Night Live]
%%
"`Dear Agent Cooper: I killed Laura Palmer.  Signed, Leo Johnson.'
 `Dear Agent Cooper: Wondering if you got my first note re: my killing
  of Laura Palmer.  Signed, Leo Johnson.'
 `Dear Agent Cooper: Why no response about me killing Laura Palmer?
  Are you still on the case? If not, please forward to proper authorities.
  Signed, Leo (the murderer of Laura Palmer) Johnson.'"
[Saturday Night Live]
%%
"vi: the look-and-feel of Hollerith cards, but without the added
 bulk!"
-- David Jacobson
%%
Selections from "New Crossbred `ISMs' for the 90s":

Blaspheminism:
	"Take the patriarchy and stuff it up your Messiah."
 Andy Cappitalism:
	"Lend me five quid, luv?"  "Cor, you're not investing in S&Ls again!?"
 Parterrorism:
	"Take this plane to Cuba or we overwater the flower garden!"
 Superegotism:
	"My conscience is bigger than yours."
 Seconaltruism:
	"I love humanity... as long as I take these pills twice a day."
 Christmasochism:
	"It's December 23rd!  I must get to the mall!"

-- Ranjit Bhatnagar
%%
"We are destined to flunk most egregiously."
-- BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE
%%
"For openers, the worst week of my life was spent learning C and
 programming an 8051 ($2 washing machine controller) to talk to an IBM
 PC.  After ten years hacking Lisp Machines, God had finally sent me a
 machine commensurate with my abilities."
-- Philip Greenspun
%%
"`Okra Natodl.' `Live Long and Prosper.'  Doesn't anyone just say
 `Hello' anymore?"
			     "What was that, doctor?"
"Nothing important."
			     "How consistent."
[STAR TREK, the comic]
%%
"And now... the ape-man stalks his prey, much like Ngowa the lion or
 Ngalla the elk or Ngoomba the Knight of Pythias."
[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
%%
"By George, it's fantastic how the minute these characters get into a
 comic book, they start acting in bad taste."
[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
%%
"Once more I go to fight for law and order... For justice... But
 mainly for adding [a] sadistic element that is such a vital part of
 comic books!"
[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
%%
"By George! I actually knocked him out without any extra spinach!"
[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
%%
"Don't fool with me, Superduperman!  *I'm* as strong as an OX!"

     "...*I'm* as strong as TWO oxes!"

"*I'm* as strong as a CAR!"

     "*I'm* as strong as TWO cars!"

"*I'm* as strong as THREE cars!"

     "Anything you say you're strong as I'm DOUBLE!"

[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
%%
"Do you know WHY I was trying to get you beat up?  I'll tell you
 why!... Because I am `Mad-Man Swee'Back'... The BROCCOLI King, that's
 why!... I own the biggest broccoli business in the world, that's
 why!... But when kids want to get strong, do they eat broccoli?...
 NO!... Because of you, they eat SPINACH!  So what if there's iron in
 spinach!... There's iron in BROCCOLI!... There's iron in PRUNES!....
 There's iron in RAISINS!...  But when kids want to get strong, they
 choose gritty, lumpy old SPINACH! BECAUSE A MISERABLE, SQUINTY-EYED
 SAILOR BEATS UP EVERYBODY, THEY CHOOSE SPINACH!  THAT'S WHY!"

[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
%%
"Well... On to the next youngster!...  Sonny...  What would you like
 to be when you grow up?...  A police chief?... A fireman?... A
 Indian?  Or, (hot-dog), maybe a JET-FIGHTER PILOT?	HUH?  Huh?
 Huh?	Huh?"

	     "Please, Buffalo Bill... Don't be juvenile!... If
	      one had the choice, it would probably be
	      soundest to get into a white-collar occupation
	      such as an investment broker or some-such!"

[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Howdy-Doody satire.]
%%
"You're giving in to mob mentality, Dad."

	     "No, I'm not, son.	 I'm hopping on the
	      bandwagon.  Get with the winning team."

[THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"Can't let you get involved, it's too dangerous."

			     "I'm a big girl."

"Yeah... and in all the right places, too."

[NORTH BY NORTHWEST]
%%
"This game lends itself to certain abuses."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES on Calvinball]
%%
"Just as the kid gets really hooked, the battery runs out."

	     "MAYDAY, MAYDAY, WE'RE OUT OF JUICE!  OHHHHH,
	      YOU'VE KILLED ME, Youuu littttle shhhhitttheaddd...."

[The Firesign Theater's HOT SHORTS video]
%%
"What'll the radium do to the kids?"

	     "Who knows?  It could turn them into old men
	      overnight, or they could stay young forever.
	      What do you want, I'm not a liar!"

"I'll write a disclaimer at once..... in JAPANESE!! Har har har!"

[The Firesign Theater's HOT SHORTS video]
%%
"Do you know who I am?"
		     "...No."
"I'm Adam."
		     "......Oh, I'm Chef Boy-Ar-Dee."

[Rob Morrow and Adam Arkin in a beautiful bit from NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"Y'know, it's like Jung says: the unconscious, it's revealed through
 the imagery of our dreams, which express our innermost fears, and our
 desires."
			     "Jung said that?"

"Yeah, I think it was Jung....  Maybe Vincent Price."

[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"You went to cooking school in Buffalo?"

	     "HEY!... No Buffalo jokes!"

[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"WHO ARE YOU?"
	     "Hello, boys!  I am Carl Jung; and while I know
	      much about the collective unconscious,
	      I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

[One of the best dream sequences I've seen, from NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"One of the delights known to age, and beyond the grasp of youth, is
 that of Not Going."
-- J.B. Priestly
%%
"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket."
-- George Orwell
%%
"France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't
 tear the toilet paper."
-- Billy Wilder
%%
"The function of socialism is to raise suffering to a higher level."
-- Norman Mailer
%%
"The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics
 and women are idiots."
-- Rebecca West
%%
"Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not
 worth knowing."
-- H.L. Mencken
%%
"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell."
-- Philip Sheridan
%%
"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no
 distinctively native American criminal class except Congress."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"Success and failure are equally disastrous."
-- Tennessee Williams
%%
"College football would be more interesting if the faculty played
 instead of the students -- there would be a great increase in broken
 arms, legs and necks."
-- H.L. Mencken
%%
"There are few minds to which tyranny is not delightful."
-- Samuel Johnson
%%
"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's
 supposed to be doing at the moment."
-- Robert Benchley
%%
"A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you
 are."
-- Victor Lownes
%%
"I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your effort
 to believe it."
-- Wilson Mizner
%%
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."
-- H.G. Wells
%%
"Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes."
-- Don Marquis
%%
"Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much."
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
"The need of exercise is a modern superstition, invented by people who
 ate too much and had nothing to think about."
-- George Santayana
%%
"I like BONANZA!  Ben, Joe, Hoss, the bald guy..."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"Relationships are complex because they are part real, part imaginary."
-- Martin F. Terman
%%
"On the contrary, you were most attractive, and as for forbidding, you
 were anything but.  But you were also a little the worse, or better,
 for wine, and there are rules about that."
[Jimmy Stewart in THE PHILADELPHIA STORY]
%%
"Yes, yes, you were right in the Burmese amber case, the Chilean
 nitrates, the Assam tea poisoners, AND the Times crossword last
 Friday.  All the same, you leave for Palestine on Saturday!"
[Ralph Richardson's boss (what a job!) from Q PLANES]
%%
"I remind you: everything you say will be held against you."

	     "Well, in that case: Marlene Dietrich!"

[A 1943 movie, CRAZY HOUSE]
%%
"Why, I make more money than Calvin Coolidge... PUT TOGETHER!"
[Ack!  It's Lena Lamont, from SINGIN' IN THE RAIN!]
%%
"You are now a WORLD-CLASS hopeless romantic."

	     "No, hopeful. Hopeful romantic."

[ROMANCING THE STONE]
%%
"SHE picked ME up, sir."
		     "Well, you have to say that to get it on
		      expenses, don't you?"
['Arry Palmer, from FUNERAL IN BERLIN]
%%
"Kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again!"
[THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS]
%%
"It took nature about a million years to come up with Grant's gazelle.
 It will take about another hundred years to come up with the man you
 have in mind."
[THE COMPETITION]
%%
"Grant can be very outspoken, but not by anybody I know."
[Katherine Hepburn in STATE OF THE UNION]
%%
"Do you play chess?"
		     "Yes, but I prefer a game with a better chance of
		      cheating."
[FUNERAL IN BERLIN]
%%
"Death cannot be assumed simply because signs of life are not present!
 Hasn't that medical school of yours taught you how to take a pulse?"

		     "We have touched on it, but mostly, we cut up
		      things."
[THE WRONG BOX]
%%
"And besides - it isn't the principle of the thing, it's the money!"
-- Daffy Duck
%%
"Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."
-- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
"I WANT MY EPIDURAL!"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"I think you're pretty tough, don't I?"
-- Daffy Duck
%%
"O mighty warrior of fine fighting stock, May I enquire to
 ask...`What's up doc?'"
[From WHAT'S OPERA, DOC?]
%%
Selections from The Petroleum Institute's 
TOP TEN REASONS FOR THE INCREASE IN GASOLINE PRICES:

 9.  We're doing our part to reduce global warming.
 8.  Demand is increasing, or decreasing, something like that. 
 7.  We were hoping you wouldn't notice.
 6.  The consultant we hired to do this list is gouging us. 
 5.  We're going to raise enough money to bail out the S&L's. 
 3.  We want to see if gas pumps can count that fast.
 2.  There was a big oil spill in Alask... no, that was last time. 

-- Greg Scott
%%
"Drugs are the product of Satan.  Drug users need to be saved by the
 Holy Power of Jesus Christ."
-- William Bennett
%%
"God will forgive me; that's his business."
-- Heinrich Heine
%%
"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
-- Groucho Marx
%%
"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad.  People are either
 charming or tedious."
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
"The golden rule is that there are no golden rules."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"We have not lost faith, but we have transferred it from God to the
 medical profession."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"Freud is the father of psychoanalysis.  It has no mother."
-- Germaine Greer
%%
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson
%%
"If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing."
-- Kingsley Amis
%%
"Journalism justifies its own existence by the great Darwinian
 principle of the survival of the vulgarist."
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
"I'm not one to believe in magic
     Though my memory has a second-sight;
 I'm not one to go pointing my finger
     When I radiate more heat than light."
-- N. Peart
%%
"There is no safe seat at the feast
     Take your best stab at the beast
 The night is turning thin
     The saint is turning to sin."
-- N. Peart
%%
"To the beautiful and the wise
 The mirror always lies."
-- N. Peart
%%
"Hee, hee!  Fortunately, they forgot to read me my rights!"

	     "Psst!  Sir!  The guests are nodding off!"
[Doonsebury]
%%
"I'm very strong on loyalties."
-- George Steinbrenner
%%
"For what were all these country patriots born? To hunt, and vote, and
 raise the price of corn."
-- Lord Byron
%%
"To strike freedom of the mind with the fist of patriotism is an old
 and ugly subtlety."
-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
"Q: What is the difference between `The Twilight Zone' and `Silver
    Spoons'?

 A: `The Twilight Zone' only *occasionally* featured the adventures
    of hideous mutants."

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Maggie."
		     "What?"
"He's wearing Old Spice."
[ NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
Selections from YEAR'S WORST COUNTRY SONG TITLES:

* Love Will Beat Your Brains Out
* I Think I'll Drink Myself Into the Past
* I Got Tears in My Eyes From Lying on My Back Crying on My Pillow Over You 
* It Ain't Love but It Ain't Bad
* Would Jesus Wear A Rolex on His Television Show
* This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck
* She Gave Her Heart to Jethro and Her Body to the Whole Danged World 
* How Can a Whiskey Six Years Old Whip a Man That's 32?
* I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
* Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth (Because I'm Kissing You Goodbye)

[Mark Harden, Scripps Howard News Service]
%%
Seen on a T-shirt at the recent Bush/Gorbachev summit:
"Together at last!  CIA-KGB: Now we're everywhere!"

-- The Economist
%%
"Where's Amnesty International when it comes to Joel Fleischman?"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"It's not a movie, it's a documentary."

	     "Oh, yeah?	 I *like* those!  Animals kill
	      each other; that bald guy sells insurance."

[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
%%
"This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs.  This is your brain
 on drugs, with bacon.  (Free Jetsons mug thrown in with each
 purchase.)"
[Some grafitti, altered towards the end by moi.]
%%
"When in doubt, act like Myrna Loy."
-- Cynthia Heimel
%%
"This is rigorous.  Well, it's rigorous in the sense that ... All
 right, it's not rigorous."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"FORTRAN... Then, as now, the language used by scientists with real
 problems."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"It's a *real* integer, not just any old integer."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"I've never tried dividing both sides by infinity before, so here
 goes."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"I shall explain this by waving my hands about in an appropriate
 manner."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"I wrote my first program in 1954, and that didn't work either."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"The object of this lecture is to frighten half of you away."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"When you stick your fingers in the mains, its not the imaginary
 component which you will feel."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"Of course this is true for more general values of 5."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"I, knave, am Sir O of K, Earl of Watercress, Sir Osis of the Liver,
 Knight of the Garter, and Baron of Westershistershustershestershiresure."
[Bugs Bunny, "Knight-mare Hare"]
%%
"Here at Marvel, we don't hire writers."
-- Tom DeFalco
%%
"It's only words . . . unless they're true."
-- David Mamet
%%
"Communism is like one big phone company."
-- Lenny Bruce
%%
"My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of
 other pessimists."
-- Jean Rostand
%%
"A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing, clanging loudly and vainly
 as the train goes by."
-- Christopher Morley
%%
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good
 example."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is
 modest about it."
-- James Agate
%%
"That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no
 brothers."
-- Charles Chincholles
%%
"Grub first, then ethics."
-- Bertolt Brecht
%%
"I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes
 them away."
-- Nancy Mitford
%%
"The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we
 hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think
 about us."
-- Quentin Crisp
%%
"I do not believe in God.  I believe in cashmere."
-- Fran Lebowitz
%%
"Hell is other people."
-- Jean-Paul Sartre
%%
"Early to rise and early to bed Makes a male healthy, wealthy and
 dead."
-- James Thurber
%%
"If you can't say anything good about a person, sit right here by me."
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%%
"Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes
 explicable."
-- H.L. Mencken
%%
"Life is a zoo in a jungle."
-- Peter De Vries
%%
"It's a man's world, and you men can have it."
-- Katherine Anne Porter
%%
"The music at a wedding procession always reminds me of the music of
 soldiers going into battle."
-- Heinrich Heine
%%
"I like children.  If they're properly cooked."
-- W.C. Fields
%%
"Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little."
-- Gore Vidal
%%
"I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time."
-- Nietzsche
%%
"We all learn by experience, but some of us have to go to summer
 school."
-- Peter De Vries
%%
"People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading."
-- Logan Pearsall Smith
%%
"For certain people after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex."
-- Gore Vidal
%%
"I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the
 guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg
%%
"When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialed in my absence and
 sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my
 absence."
-- Brendan Behan
%%
"CREATOR: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh."
-- H.L. Mencken
%%
"How I wish there were even a small cafe to sit in.  With men in
 tuxedos, and cappuccines, and bad expatriate jazz."
-- M. BUTTERFLY
%%
"I have given up reading books; I find that it takes my mind off
 myself."
-- Oscar Levant
%%
Regarding the fuss being made over PINK FLAMINGOS in Florida:

"All this does for me is make my lecture fee go up.  Thanks for the
 publicity on a 20-year-old film people were starting to forget in the
 first place."

-- John Waters
%%
"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
 left."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"This handout is not produced for your erudition but merely so I can
 practice the TeX word-processor."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"You could define the subspace topology this way, if you were
 sufficiently malicious."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"Sex and drugs? They're nothing compared with a good proof!"
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"This course will contain a lot of charm and beauty but very little
 truth."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"Now we'll prove the theorem.  In fact I'll prove it all by myself."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
%%
"in the dead of the night, a shimmering light
 gleam of the blade, and the devil is paid
 when the axe comes down, a chiwwing sound
 blade hits the head, another wabbit's dead

 i'm a rabbit swayer, a guitar pwayer
 with a nasty habit... kill da wabbit!
 kill da wabbit, kill da wabbit
 hehehehehehehehe..."

-- "Ozzy Fudd, Rabbit Killer", Marc McCullen
%%
Dan Quayle is so dense, he absorbs neutrinos.
[?]
%%
"Here's to God Almighty, the laziest man in town."
[Saw it on someone's signoff line -- ?]
%%
"Real nice. Hey, by the way, what did God have for breakfast this
 morning?"
-- Ron D. Harvey
%%
"Sometimes you confuse me with Santa Claus It's the big white beard, I
 suppose."
-- Elvis Costello, "God's Comic"
%%
"Macavity's a Mystery Cat: 
 He's called the Hidden Paw --
 For he's the master criminal 
 Who can defy the Law.
 He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, 
 The Flying Squad's despair:
 For when they reach the scene of crime -- 
 Macavity's not there!"
-- T. S. Eliot
%%
"If you're going faster than 90 MPH and they chase you -- make 'em
 *earn* it."
[Again, off the net]
%%
"`Spock-O?'"
		     "We drove a flivver."
"I have no doubt."

[One of Spock's old aquaintances startles dear old Dad... DC's STAR TREK comic]
%%
"Blowers, flivvers... a colorful language."

	     "The surface has barely been scratched."

[Colorful language discussed by Spock and his father; DC's STAR TREK comic]
%%
"I believe in the the wisdom of the man who saved my life.  I believe
 that rules are excellent guidelines, but that man must must be
 allowed to interpret them, or he is not a man.	 My people are not as
 advanced as yours, but the truth of my words is plain.  If you do not
 see it... then perhaps you are not as advanced as you think you are."

[A child king comments on the Prime Directive in STAR TREK, the comic]
%%
"What do y'think?"
		     "We'll be accused of playing dirty tricks -- again."

"Oh, I have nothing against dirty tricks, provided they are deeply
 felt and really sincere."

[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
%%
"I have no opinions, sir."
			     "You're a wise man, Inspector; I have
			      opinions, and look what happened."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
%%
"We must be seen to be friends... unity and strength!"

		     "That's what it said on my corn flakes package."

[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
%%
"Plus a senior minister is screwing a young lady from Hampstead Labor
 Party."
		     "I always assumed that was more or less why
		      young ladies *joined* the Hampstead Labor
		      Party."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
%%
"Am I still Public Enemy #1?"

		     "With Vlad the Impaler a really bad second, yeah."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
%%
"Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first send to Sheffield."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
%%
"Besides, I've fallen madly in love with the dark side of your nature."
[THE STUNT MAN]
%%
"You constantly amaze me.  You don't go to movies -- what are you, a
 communist?"
[THE STUNT MAN]
%%
"`Gooks'?  That has a nostalgic ring!  You really did call them gooks?
 I thought that was just TIME magazine."

		     "That's 'Nam.  If I called 'em wops,
		      nobody'd know what the hell I was talkin'
		      about."
[THE STUNT MAN]
%%
"I was runnin' for 26 months with guys shootin' -- AT my head, not
 over my head.  I'm here; I'm alive.  I knew daredevils.	An' I
 ain't got nothin' against 'em, it's just that they're all dead."
[THE STUNT MAN]
%%
"If God could do the tricks that we can do, He'd be a happy man..."
[THE STUNT MAN]
%%
Michael Rooker on HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER,
in which he played the title role:
"This movie scares me...  I like musicals."
%%
"Some day, when you're President of the United States, you'll be able
 to say `My father is a tout.'"
[AFTER THE THIN MAN]
%%
Selections from TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR DISNEYWORLD ATTRACTIONS :

 10. The Audio-Anamatronic Dan Quayle
  8. Slug Rides
  7. Mr. Toad's Gut-O-Rama
  6. Pluto Gets Fixed
  3. The Haunted Condo
  2. Drug Runners of the Carribean

-- Daniel Pearl
%%
That money talks,
I'll not deny,
I heard it once,
It said, "goodbye."
[From (of all places) Time magazine]
%%
"Now poison's good, and daggers, and arrows in the back; And if
 you're really desperate you can try a front attack.  But why commit a
 murder, and risk the fires of hell, When black widows in the privy
 will do it just as well?"
-- Heather Rose Jones
%%
Disclaimer: That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
[Saw it on the net]
%%
"There are very few personal problems which cannot be solved by a
 suitable application of high explosives."
[UNCOMMON VALOR]
%%
"Cup O' Atmosphere -- Just add Arnold."
-- Rob Ferguson
%%
"MARQUIS: One of the few films I've seen where the penis has all the
 best lines."
-- Rob Ferguson
%%
"Commercials here have dancing cats, singing raisins and a little man
 driving a boat in a toilet.  And then they tell you, `Don't use
 drugs.'"
-- Yakov Smirnoff
%%
"There are no good wars, with the following exceptions... The American
 Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy."
-- Bart Simpson
%%
Selections from TOP TEN SOVIET DEMANDS OF LITHUANIA:

 10. Must publicly claim that Yakov Smirnoff is actually from Lithuania
  9. Stop sending the tape of the trampling of the USSR's flag to
     America's Funniest Home Videos
  8. Must stop holding annual "Lithium Mania" festival
  6. Television stations must stop playing "Funky President"
     underneath Gorbachev's speeches
  4. Get those damned Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles off their new flag
  2. President Landsbergis must take part in the "Barney Miller" TV reunion
 
-- Peter Dill
%%
"Look -- it's a crime in progress!  Take that!  *POK* And that! *POK*
 *POK* Ooh, I think I got a couple of them."

			     "They're making a TV show, you goof."

"Don't they know that shows like that promote violent behavior?"

[SAM & MAX, FREELANCE POLICE]
%%
"When you run a picture of a nice, clean all-American girl like this,
 get her tits above the fold."

-- Al Neuharth, USA Today publisher
%%
"We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
 deceased.  My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead."
-- Postmaster General James E. Day
%%
"You don't preach revolution on the streets of this country without
 renting drawer space somewhere in Washington."
[Frank McPike on WISEGUY]
%%
"You're quite a girl, Norma.  I'll bet you get all kinds of Romeos in
 here, uh, begging for favors.  How do you keep them from your door?"

		     "I usually tell them I have a homicidally
		      jealous husband who's doing 3 to 5 for
		      manslaughter, but he expects to be a
		      productive member of society real soon."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"I changed my mind, mommy.  I don't want to be a ballerina when I grow
 up.  I want to be a lumberjack instead."

		     "Wonderful!  What changed your mind?"

"I saw a really neat Monty Python movie."

[I got this one from Gordon Davisson]
%%
"Now would you PLEASE tell me what on Earth convinced you to paint the
 Last Supper with THREE Christs in it!?!?!"

			     "It works, mate!"
"It does NOT work!"
			     "Of course it does!  The fat one
			      balances the two skinny ones!"

[MONTY PYTHON LIVE AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL]
%%
"Nadine, there's plenty of patent attorneys. We just gonna have to
 keep on lookin' till we find one that understands drape runners."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Harry, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.  Every day... once a
 day... give yourself a present.  Don't plan it; don't wait for it;
 just... let it happen.  Could be a new shirt at the men's store, a
 cat-nap in your office, or...  two cups of good, hot, black coffee."
[TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Hand over all your money in a paper bag!"

	     "Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed
	      robbery. I do work in a convenience store you
	      know."

[The Krusty episode of THE SIMPSONS]
%%
"I was sitting on the floor...and all the Beverly Hills Police
 Department was looking at my legs -- which, thank God, are good."
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%%
"And you're telling me that Mel Profitt is the boss?"

	     "No Buckwheat, Mel Profitt is God.  Where
	      he walks the ground shakes.  Make him happy,
	      you get wealthy over night.  Cross him, the
	      ground opens up and swallows you."

"That's where you come in."

	     "We all have our place in line."

[The essence of Roger Lacocco, from WISEGUY]
%%
"They're players, Sugar.  We are all players in the Profitt school of
 high income and hard knocks.  We live fast, burn out early, and die
 young with nice tans."
[Mel Profitt groupie, from WISEGUY]
%%
"I sell peace and tranquility at reasonable rates to deserving
 clientele."
[Roger, from WISEGUY]
%%
"'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a
 creature was stirring, except for the 4 assholes coming around back
 in standard 2 by 2 formation."
[DIE HARD]
%%
"Before Twin Peaks there was...... GREEN ACRES!"
[A CBS ad...]
%%
"The documentary-makers know darned good and well that the viewers
 aren't going to remain glued to their seats to watch divers paddling
 around in waters infested by, for example, clams, so they stick with
 sharks. Generally, their procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces
 around their boat, so as to infest the waters. I would estimate that
 the primary food source of sharks today is bleeding fish pieces
 scattered by people making documentaries. Once the sharks arrive,
 they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude seems
 to be: `Oh, God, another documentary.'  So the divers have to somehow
 goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. `We
 know very little about the effect of electricity on sharks,' the
 narrator will say, in a deeply scientific voice. `That is why Todd is
 going to jab this Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod.'
 The divers keep this kind of thing up until the shark finally gets
 irritated and snaps at them, and then they act as though this was a
 totally unexpected and very dangerous development, although clearly
 it is what they wanted all along."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"If you don't want to own a gun, you can take up karate, a form of
 martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training
 can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies
 in the history of the world. They can also break boards, which could
 be very useful if an intruder enters your home and tries to hide
 behind your spare lumber so the dog can't get at him."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"First, let's talk about the word `football'.  In most nations, when
 people say `football', they mean `soccer', which is a completely
 different game in which smallish persons whiz about on a field while
 the spectators beat each other up and eventually overthrow the
 government.  I don't know why the other nations call soccer
 `football', but I suspect it has something to do with the metric
 system and I say the hell with it."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"Never believe anything airline employees say about when a plane will
 land or take off. No matter how badly the schedule is screwed up,
 they will claim everything is fine, because otherwise you might
 realize it would be faster to walk to your destination.  Let's say
 you're waiting for Flight 206, which is an hour late, and you ask an
 agent at the ticket counter when it's due in. He'll punch a few
 buttons on his computer, which will give him this message: `FLIGHT
 206 HAS CRASH-LANDED ON A REMOTE CORAL REEF IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC AND
 ALL THE TIRES ARE FLAT AND THE ENGINES ARE BROKEN AND THE PASSENGERS
 AND CREW ARE BEING HELD AT GUNPOINT BY PALESTINIAN HIJACKERS ARMED
 WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS AND THERE IS A VERY HEAVY FOG.'  The agent will
 look you cheerfully in the eye and say: `It should be here any minute
 now.'"
-- Dave Barry
%%
"The rest of us have to fly via commercial airliner, which is less
 pleasant because federal law requires commercial airliners to carry
 infants trained to squall at altitudes above two hundred feet.  This
 keeps the passengers calm, because they're all thinking, `I wish
 somebody would stuff a towel into that infant's mouth,' which
 prevents them from thinking, `I am thirty-five thousand feet up in
 the air riding in an extremely sophisticated and complex piece of
 machinery controlled by a person with a Southern accent.'"
-- Dave Barry
%%
"Wake up, America!  There are no weather balloons!  Those are alien
 beings! They are all around us!  I'm sure most of you have seen the
 movie E.T., which is the story of an alien who almost dies when he
 falls into the clutches of the American medical-care establishment,
 but is saved by preadolescent boys. Everybody believes that the alien
 is a fake, a triumph of special effects.  But watch the movie closely
 next time. The alien is real!  The BOYS are fakes! REAL preadolescent
 boys would have beaten the alien to death with rocks."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days.  Congress is
 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
 broadcast signals to alien beings.  This would be a large mistake.
 Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons.  You cannot cut off
 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"Take joggers.  You see them running along the street, clearly hating
 every second of it, and you say, `What's the point?'  Ha.  Years from
 now, you'll struggle to adjust to the aches and pains of growing
 older, whereas the joggers, who have been in constant agony for
 fifteen or twenty years, will be able to make the transition
 smoothly, unless they've committed suicide."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"If you can possibly manage it, you should avoid being a young person
 or a wheat farmer when the president starts feeling international
 tension."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"Look closely at Central America, and try to imagine what would happen
 if this vital region were to fall into Communist hands.  What would
 happen is a lot of Communists would be stung repeatedly by vicious
 tropical insects the size of mature hamsters."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"What cartoon rodent created an uproar when he was accused of being on
 drugs?"
 			"Speedy Gonzalez?"
[REMOTE CONTROL]
%%
"To sum up: your father, whom you love, dies, you are his heir, you
 come back to find that hardly was the corpse cold before his young
 brother popped onto his throne and into his sheets, thereby offending
 both legal and natural practice.  Now why exactly are you behaving in
 this extraordinary manner?"

-- ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD
%%
 "Here is such patchery, such juggling and such knavery!
  All the argument is a cuckold and a whore; a good quarrel
  to draw emulous factions and bleed to death upon."
[TROILUS AND CRESSIDA, Shakespeare]
%%
"World Domination t-shirts are available from the BBC, World
 Domination Department, Cardiff."
[From the "Mr. Neutron" episode of MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS]
%%
"Five to one baby, one in five, No one here gets out alive"
-- The Doors
%%
"Go ahead, ya fuckin' monster!  KILL ME!  Ms. N!  The New Superman!
 `The Will Made Manifest'!!  BULLSHIT!  THIS is the REAL you, huh?
 Just another asshole monster!  Some avatar of the future YOU are...
 Blood 'N' Guts -- same old shit!  You called *me* weak?  *I'm* a
 stupid ape?!	 HA!  How much *strength* does it take to be a slave
 to hatred?  How smart ya gotta be t' RIP OUT SOMEBODY'S THROAT?"
[From the Go-Man adventure in "N"]
%%
"Nah... you're the mob, *you're* the mob in this room, Vinnie.
 I'm just your average entrepreneur."

	     "I *saw* you *garotte* a man IN MY *FACE*!!"

"That's RIGHT, I'd do it AGAIN, but I'd do it *MYSELF*!  I don't have
 to send TEENAGERS off to the SLAUGHTER and the next day MAKE EXCUSES
 FOR IT IN THE OP ED PAGE!!"

[Sonny and Vinnie having it out in the penultimate episode of
 WISEGUY's Steelgrave arc]
%%
"This is *NOT* ABOUT TAXES!!"

		     "THEN WHAT'S IT ABOUT, MAN?!!"

"This is about the *core* of yourself that *cannot* be excused by
 whatever it is about you I admire!  This is about the *need* in your
 life *not* to run rampant over other people's lives simply because
 your fire *burns* *brighter*!

"Hey... this is about the *LAW*, man!"

		     "I *loved* you, man."

[R.I.P., Sonny Steelgrave.  WISEGUY, "Nobody Gets Out Of Here Alive."]
%%
"Ronald Reagan becomes President?.... What a bummer."
[The Immortal Man, inhabiting a 60's form, from ANIMAL MAN]
%%
"AAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!.....
 Two-minute warning."
[Frank McPike lets off some steam in WISEGUY]
%%
"DIE, MANAGERIAL SWINE!!  DIE, YUPPIE SCUM!!"
[Oh, No!  It's The Terror! (Arf, arf!) from Steve Gerber's SHE-HULK]
%%
"Don't bother.  Just tell me -- after hearing that story -- are you
 going to laugh WITH me or AT me?"

		     "AT."
"Figured as much."
[The Terror and The Critic, from SHE-HULK]
%%
"Good evening, lowly clerk. Where is your Pez?"
[THE TICK, you silly person.]
%%
"We only just got Andy Warhol."

			     "Warhol's here?"

"Eighteen of him.  Of all my subjects, he seemed most delighted with
 an artificial body, and suggested that I mass-produce it. I
 acquiesced. It seemed an interesting idea.  He interviews himselves,
 or gangs up on Truman Capote in debates."

[The new Hades, from Moore and Totleben's MIRACLEMAN #16]
%%
"Hey... relax!"
-- Go-Man
%%
"Remember, kid: FIGHT with LOVE!  And if you can't Fight with Love:
 FIGHT WITH FUN!"
[GO-MAN's mentor, Dr. Venus.  Whatta sweet guy...]
%%
"I didn't get to be an old coot by playing footsie with geeks."
[Harry the Hump gives his impressions on snitching to McPike on WISEGUY]
%%
"My family."
		     "You know, I've got a family too, pal; and you
		      don't give a damn about them."

[A few ironic words from McPike to Don Baglia in WISEGUY]
%%
"Daryl... you're a *good* bureaucrat.  Heavy action for you is the
 whirlpool at the Agency toilets.  Now this is a mop-up operation in a
 war zone, you be a good guy and leave it to the warriors."
[Frank lets Daryl have it on WISEGUY]
%%
"When the stars were yet aborning, the race which spawned me was
 already deep in Fuddy-Duddyism.  We were your basic `Shining City on
 a Hill' -- a noble civilization whose arts and sciences flowered,
 even within the constraints of a balanced budget.

"It was, we felt, our obligation to impart our boundless knowledge to
 other, less advanced races.  So we tried -- but, like dummies, we
 gave them fission technology instead of haikus or the ukelele or
 something. The result was predictable.  Our first experiment with
 altruism was also our last.

"Gravely embarrassed, most of my race retreated into passive
 observation of the universe. They are called The Watchers.  I hail
 from a splinter faction.  We watch, too -- but feel compelled to
 deliver piquant commentary on what we see.

"For we are... The Critics."

[The Critic, from SHE-HULK]
%%
"But... you're a duck!"
		     "True.  But I know DOS, and I type with all
		      eight fingers -- which is more than you can say
		      for most computer salesmen."

[Yup, Howard.  From SHE-HULK]
%%
"Remember the 60's, Vinnie?"

			     "Yeah."

"How are ya gonna remember this?  How ya gonna remember me, Vinnie?"

[The last hours of Sonny Steelgrave, from WISEGUY]
%%
"You would welcome death as friend, then, Animal Man?  Would you?
 Death is not interested in your friendship. Death is impartial.
 Irrational.  Wayward."
[Well, what do you expect from a demon?	 Sally Jesse Rapheal?
 From ANIMAL MAN.]
%%
"Now, let me get this straight... your ENTIRE COUNTRY is above the
 timberline?"
[Pete contemplates the horror of a land without trees in TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"I don't know... the beard sort of ruins the effect of the lingerie,
 what do you think?"
[Mr. Style, Special Agent Dale Cooper, from TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"About time you got here... they move so slowly when they're not
 afraid."
[The Log Lady talking to her log.  From TWIN PEAKS.]
%%
"I've got tea, I've got cookies... no cake."
	    "That's very kind of you, ma'am, but..."
"What kind of cookies?"
	      "Sugar.  The owls won't see us in here."
[Those darn owls!  From TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Hope the herring holds out."
[Brother Ben, from TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"It was revealed this week that the Contras are breaking up, because
 one of them is dating Yoko."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"On Thursday, former Capt. Joseph Hazelwood, whose absence from the
 bridge of his ship was blamed for the [Exxon Valdez] disaster, was
 acquitted of all but one minor charge.  When asked how he was going
 to celebrate the decision, Hazelwood said he was going to get `really
 ripped' and drive a gasoline tanker truck down San Francisco's
 Lombard street."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"My friendship's not for sale.  But I do give private consultations to
 the rich and socially unacceptable."
[Business Practices by Sonny Steelgrave]
%%
"I know that you were behind it, Sid."

			     "Pardon?"

"`Pardon?'.... Not in this organization."
[Sonny and Sid's first major confrontation on WISEGUY]
%%
"I've lived without X-MEN for about four years now, and I'm happy to
 say that I haven't had the urge to light one up in months."
[moi]
%%
"Does your mother have any idea what a total *dink* you turned into,
 Frank?"
		     "My *mother*... thinks I'm *adorable*."

[Frank McPike and Vinnie Terranova meet, on WISEGUY]
%%
"I have no mouse and I must click."
-- Richard Sexton
%%
"Ha ha ha... now *this* is irony."
		     "Naw, 't's a fruit cake."
[Susan's 5th Christmas cheesecake, from BAKER STREET]
%%
"Welcome to the real world, ladies. Intelligence is no good to you
 unless you know how to use it...  and nobody likes a smart ass."
[Nasty 'orrible blighters from BAKER STREET (i.e, inferior help)]
%%
"I suppose you think that was funny."

	    "I don't know.  I'll have to consult our humor
	     officer...	 Mr. Spock, was that funny?"

"I shall have to analyze it, sir. It may take time."

[From DC's STAR TREK comic]
%%
"Hold on!"
	     "Sound advice, Captain."
[Indeed.  From DC's STAR TREK comic]
%%
"I like Vulcans, you know. Splendid race."

	     "Because of our dedication to logic and reason?"

"Not at all. It's because your ears are simply smashing."

[From DC's STAR TREK comic]
%%
"What a perceptive bitch."
[When families fall out... Ron Silver, from the rag trade episode of WISEGUY]
%%
"Money isn't enough; it's the vantage point.	It's making sure that
 the right people in your life always see you from the vantage point
 of looking up...  preferably with their necks craned back at a
 90-degree angle...."

		     "It's not the looking up; it's the looking down.
		      You can't see the pain in their faces."

"Then I want this deal played out on street level."

[A woman with a problem.  From the Rag Trade episode of WISEGUY]
%%
"Look, it's trying to think."
[It's Albert the obnoxious FBI coroner!	 From TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"I've got a lot of cutting and pasting to do, gentlemen, so please,
 why don't you return to your porch rockers and resume whittling?"
[That Albert... TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Nothing beats the taste sensation when maple syrup <*SLAP*> collides
 with ham!"
[Agent Cooper likes his breakfasts.  From TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Bo knows Elvis.  Bo IS Elvis."
[Off the net, from a signoff line]
%%
"One minute I'm in the pasture porkin' ponies, the next I'm a can of
 Mighty Dog!"
-- Secretariat
[Off the net, from a signoff line]
%%
"I'm 36 years old, I love my family, I love baseball, and I'm about to
 become a farmer. But until I heard The Voice, I'd never done a crazy
 thing in my life."
-- FIELD OF DREAMS
%%
"Think they spotted us?"
		     "Gimme a donut."
[Stake-out time on TWIN PEAKS.	Mmmh-mm!  Damn Good Coffee!]
%%
"Agent Cooper LOVES coffee."
[He certainly does, but it has to be Damn Good Coffee.	From TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Damn good coffee!  And HOT!"
[From the classic rock-throwing deduction scene of TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Can I ask her about her log?"
			     "Many have."
[Investigating the Log Lady from TWIN PEAKS]
%%
"Don't we need a catcher?"
			     "Not if you get it near the plate, we don't."

[Ray and Shoeless Joe from FIELD OF DREAMS]
%%
"Un-believable."
		     "It's more than that. It's *perfect*."

[Terrance Man and Ray Kinsella from FIELD OF DREAMS]
%%
"Hey, ump!  How about a warning?"

		     "Sure!  `Watch out you don't get killed!'"

[Moonlight Graham learns the game, from FIELD OF DREAMS]
%%
"The one constant through all the years, Ray... has been *baseball*.
 America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers; it has been
 erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again.  But
 *baseball*... has marked the time. This field; this game; it's a part
 of our past, Ray.  It reminds us of all that once was good, and that
 could be again.

"Ohhh.... people will come, Ray.  People will most definitely come."

[James Earl Jone's outstanding speech as Terrance Mann, from FIELD OF DREAMS]
%%
"It would *kill* some men to get that close to their dream and not
 touch it! They'd consider it a tragedy!"

		     "Son, if I'd only gotten to be a doctor for five
		      minutes... Now, that would've been a
		      tragedy."

[Words of wisdom from Dr. Graham, from FIELD OF DREAMS]
%%
"Oh my God!"
			     "What?"
"You're from the Sixties!"
[Terrance Mann from FIELD OF DREAMS]
%%
"So it's sort of a necktie for your butt?"
	     "Let's not be vulgar. You're just jealous."
 -- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"You know how old people always write letters to Dear Abby complaining
 that their kids never write, call or visit?  Those letters really
 crack me up."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"Well, being a tiger is more than just stripes, you realize."
	     "Kind of a zen thing, huh?"
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"It says tigers nearly faced extinction and their future remains in
 doubt.... This explains why I don't meet many babes."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"Hard to say, Ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars?"

		     "Nah."
"Oh, *I* do."
		     "Really?  How come?"

"Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions."

-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"Yeah!  If we find the whole thing, we'll be famous!  With the grant
 money we'll get, we can buy a Porsche!"
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"Without question, that was one of the worst experiences of my life."

			     "It built character."

"Oh sure.  Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a
 casino somewhere?"

-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"MY TRANSMOGRIFIER GUN!!  Boy, these things come in handy all the
 time."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same
 time."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"But I'd still rather see this with a tiger than a person."
 			"Well, that goes without saying."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"Dad finally said he was sick of arguing with me, and for all he
 cared, I could watch TV until my brains oozed out my ears."

		     "So you're going to?"

"It was a hard-won privilege."

-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
"Who IS this mysterious masked man?? And why has he never been
 photographed together with handsome, 6-year-old millionaire playboy
 Calvin?"
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
Why do computers manage to do things so quickly?

	      They don't have to answer the phone.

[From rec.humor.funny]
%%
"Look, `Ma'... I've done my service as Acolyte at the Altar of Ideals,
 and the service always ends up the same.  Idealism, in practice, is
 *pragmatism*; pragmatism slowly slides to *fatalism*, running down
 the wrong road, pedal to the metal, *pushing* your future *behind*
 you!"
[Roger Lacoco espouses philosophy (not Malthus!) from WISEGUY]
%%
"I want to be civilized about this, but I don't want to get screwed.
 He *is* from Seattle."
[Mark Volchek, being shrewd, from WISEGUY]
%%
"Maybe we're close and we don't know it."

		     "You mean somewhere between Walden's Pond
		      and Skinner's Box?"

[Another shrewd analysis from Roger Lacoco on WISEGUY]
%%
"I like these people; they all look like they're out of a Diane Arbus
 photograph..."
[A keen observation from Roger Lacoco on WISEGUY]
%%
"Opening night, the lead actor disappeared to do a two-part KOJAK and
 I lost my show.... but *spiritually*, it was the right thing to do,
 wasn't it, McPike?"
[Mark Volchek spins off the road again, from WISEGUY]
%%
"Hurry... Helmut's getting sleepy!"
[WISEGUY]
%%
"Frankly, I don't trust him... he's from Seattle."
[Volchek from WISEGUY]
%%
"Forget computers; it's hard enough getting humans to pass the Turing
 test."
-- paraphrased from A DAY FOR DAMNATION, by David Gerrold
%%
pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen
displays.  The computer industry has frequently borrowed from
mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in
artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
[A humorous computer glossary mailed to me]
%%
"Didn't Bill Shatner work this stage last year?"

			     "YES!"

[Pointing to floor] "I thought I saw some hair down there!"

-- Jonathon Frakes
%%
"You're obviously in stage 2: denial."
	     "No I'm not!"
-- THE SIMPSONS
%%
"The parties would have saved time, money, feelings and relations had
 they curbed their emotions and sat down to settle their difference
 out of court.... This suit is not the sort of thing federal courts
 should spend time and energy upon."
-- U.S. District Judge Lucius Bunton, regarding the Motorola-Hitachi case
%%
"Me think Petey teach important lesson: not good to decapitate and
 disembowel best friend."
[From the NBC Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein Thanksgiving Special skit on SNL]
%%
"Your cue, Buckwheat."
[Roger Lacoco directs Volchek's ressurection on WISEGUY]
%%
"Death can't be cheated -- not even by Volcheks.  But life can be."
[Lacy makes a shrewd observation that applies to other people besides Volcheks.
 WISEGUY]
%%
"Since God has given me a cheerful disposition, he will forgive me for
 serving him cheerfully."
-- Joseph Haydn
%%
"The basis of optimism is sheer terror."
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than going to a
 garage makes you a car."
-- Laurence J. Peter
%%
"New York: where everyone mutinies but no one deserts."
-- Harry Hershfield
%%
"England has forty-two religions and two sauces."
-- Voltaire
%%
"Humility is no substitute for a good personality."
-- Fran Lebowitz
%%
"You can't expect a boy to be depraved until he has been to a good
 school."
-- Saki
%%
"Having a family is like having a bowling alley in your brain."
-- Martin Mull
%%
"I took a speed-reading course and read WAR AND PEACE in twenty
 minutes.  It involves Russia."
-- Woody Allen
%%
Re: THE HUNT FOR THE RED OCTOBER

"It has not hurt, of course, that the Soviet Union chose the week of
 the film's release to come clean in the pages of "Isvestia" about a
 real incident in 1975 -- involving a frigate, not a submarine -- on
 which "Red October" is based. "Damned cordial of them", said Mr.
 Clancy during a chat with "The Economist".	"I wonder how much
 Paramount paid them to do that?"

-- THE ECONOMIST, March 17th
%%
"There's a kind of sweetness to Dick Tracy that I always kind of
 liked."
-- Warren Beatty

"Come on, you mugs -- start eating a little of this!"
 *RATA-TAT-TAT-TAT*
-- Dick Tracy
%%
"Ty Cobb wanted to play, but none of us could stand the sonofabitch
 when we were alive, so we told him to stick it."
[Shoeless Joe from FIELD OF DREAMS]
%%
"Congress is not the sole suppository of wisdom."
-- Rep. Bill Schuette (R-MI)
%%
What do you call a 16-year-old girl who hangs out with musicians?

Tiffany.

[From rec.humor.funny]
%%
Why do they have a rear window defroster on the Yugo?

So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it.

[From rec.humor.funny]
%%
Selections from New York Magazines' CREATE YOUR OWN TABLOID HEADLINE Contest:

-  Dog Missing Since 1940 Returns, Bites Master
-  I Found Danny DeVito's Head in a Dumpster
-  Satanic Messages in Nintendo Imperil our Youth
-  Sky-diving Mom Gives Birth During Free-Fall
-  Your Remote Control Could Launch Nuclear Weapons
-  Man Held in Shooting Death of Own Siamese Twin
-  Cocker Spaniel Shoots Intruder, Calls 911 to Save Master
-  Infant Grows Sideburns During Visit to Graceland
-  Aliens Reconstruct Berlin Wall
%%
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can.
[From rec.humor.funny]
%%
 The difference between philosophy and religion: If you have an
 argument over philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you
 throw bombs.
[From rec.humor.funny]
%%
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?

A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help.

[From rec.humor.funny]
%%
"All it takes is a little bit of graciousness."
-- Whoopi Goldberg, "Fontaine"
%%
"Sounds sort of angry, Frank."
[Lacoco from WISEGUY]
%%
"I sell sex... not affection.  Affection's free; but nobody ever
 asks."
[WISEGUY]
%%
"The only codicil I come with is my name.  I live with it; I don't
 hide from the past."
[Lacoco from WISEGUY]
%%
"Well, there are no morally corrupt men manipulating Vinnie Terranova.
 He didn't wake up one morning and say it's wrong-headed, he woke up
 and said `It's ugly, I don't wanna look at it any more.' Well, *I*
 think it's ugly too, and *I* don't wanna look at it; but I'm doin' it
 'cause I said I would!"
[Frank blows up on WISEGUY]
%%
"To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was something that just happened to
 other people, wasn't it?"
[BLACK ADDER II]
%%
"Not _the_ Jane Harrington? Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-shaped Coffin'
 Harrington?"
[BLACK ADDER II]
%%
"She's got a tongue like an electric eel and loves the taste of a
 man's tonsils..."
-- Lord Flash Heart
[BLACK ADDER II]
%%
"You've really got your banter worked out haven't you"

	     "No, this is a new and spontaneous thing.  It's
	      called wit"

[BLACK ADDER III]
%%
"... slowly, slowly, with the velocity of love."
-- Suzanne Ciani
%%
"God is in my mind, and the Devil is in my pants."
-- Jonathon Winters
%%
"Ron Silver co-stars as a psychotic commodity trader (perhaps a
 tautology)..."
-- Craig Good
%%
"CBS: Cancelled By Saganski"
-- Kelly Flores
%%
"They're filming Rocky V now.  This one's being billed as `Rocky's
 Greatest Challenge', so I guess there's an IQ test involved."
-- Jay Leno
%%
"Mr. McPike -- I have some bad news."

		     "VCR broke?"

[Mark and Frank on WISEGUY]
%%
"You're *sorry*.  Well... in lieu of a parachute, here's a hanky!"
[Volchek on WISEGUY]
%%
"Get the cop in the pocket BACK in your pants."
[Volchek on WISEGUY]
%%
"And the Rev. Adams likes to come in every two weeks dressed in a
 leather tux and wants to be called `Volfie.'"
[WISEGUY]
%%
"I practice my passion on the town... What makes them so beautiful is
 that they require a specialized pollination because of a twisted
 ovary."

		     "Are you sane?"

[Mark and Frank on WISEGUY]
%%
"...and maybe if we have time, we can see a movie!"
[I wonder which one that might be?  Let a smile be your umbrella... WISEGUY]
%%
"They were fine men, Stem."
			     "They were good dancers, too."

[Stem begins to loose it on WISEGUY]
%%
"Debbie Gibson and dog food. I've always dreamed of this."
-- Julie Brown
%%
"I think life should be more like tv.  I think all of life's problems
 ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you?  I
 think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns.  I
 think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone
 should drive fancy sports cars.  All our desires should be instantly
 gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should
 carry powerful handguns.  Life overall should be more glamorous,
 thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?"
-- Calvin and Hobbes
%%
"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."
-- H.L. Mencken
%%
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
"It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
 you are an exceptionally good liar."
-- Jerome K. Jerome
%%
"The more one is hated, I find, the happier one is."
-- Louis Ferdinand Celine
%%
"I'm not OK, you're not OK, and that's OK."
-- William Sloane Coffin
%%
"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."
-- Dorothy Parker
%%
"It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother
 me, it's the part that I do understand."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all
 brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all
 cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons."
-- Henry Miller
%%
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony."
-- John Barrymore
%%
"The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human
 race."
-- Don Marquis
%%
"Living in California adds ten years to a man's life.  And those extra
 ten years I'd like to spend in New York."
-- Harry Ruby
%%
"Posterity is as likely to be wrong as anybody else."
-- Heywood Broun
%%
"Children should neither be seen nor heard from -- ever again."
-- W.C. Fields
%%
"You can fool too many of the people too much of the time."
-- James Thurber
%%
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.  If you can fake
 that, you've got it made."
-- Groucho Marx
%%
"I have not observed anyone else on board consulting you about their
 procreation, Captain."
[Data from ST:TNG]
%%
"Mr. Trump spent the week trying to buy off Ivana, his own estranged
 wife, who wants more than the $25m promised her in a per-nuptial
 settlement (`IVANA BETTER DEAL' cried the New York Daily News)."
-- THE ECONOMIST
%%
Concerning the Bay Bridge Troll:

"We cannot tolerate any suggestion that our bridges need a mystical
 power to ensure safety."

-- Greg Bayol, California Department of Transportation
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Tom Waits

"The man who gargles with rocks. Once an chronicler of the down & out,
 now some kind of artist. Smokes a lot."
-- sco!martyst@ucscc.UCSC.EDU
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: U2

"Way-talented band that just hit the fucking *wall* with RATTLE AND
 HUM."
-- Lazlo Nibble
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Tina Turner

"Survivor who went from belting soul to slightly schmaltzy rock.
 She'll have great legs two years after she dies."
-- sco!martyst@ucscc.UCSC.EDU
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: John Tesh

"Is his album 'Tour De France' the music from Channel 4's coverage? If
 so, I'll buy it. If not, I might buy it anyway."
-- Alan Crawford
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: The Police

"I didn't like the Police when they were at the height of their
 popularity. But since that has settled down, I've listened to their
 old music and I like it. I know that sounds prejudiced against
 popular music but that attitude saved me from the Bee Gees."
-- Frank J. Schima
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Monty Python

"_The Spam Song_ is surely an epochal work in twentieth century
 music."
-- Russ Levreault
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Nena Hagen

"Beverly Sills fights Popeye the Sailor for the control of one set of
 vocal cords! Extremely weird East German with an impressive set of
 pipes and not much taste. Very irritating."
-- sco!martyst@ucscc.UCSC.EDU
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Cream

"The best psychedelic blues rock you could ask for.  Absolutely
 swimming in drugs."
-- sco!martyst@ucscc.UCSC.EDU
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Phil Collins

"Ever wonder what Popeye would sound like doing vocals???"
-- TRM900@PSUVM.PSU.edu
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Phil Collins

"Does he really have to sell Michelob to make ends meet?"
-- Russ Levreault
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Joe Cocker

"Voted the man least likely to see 1970, in 1969."
-- Paul Maclauchlan
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Bruce Cockburn

"Bruce Cockburn is in western Canada still wondering where the lions
 are."
-- Paul Mount
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Tracy Chapman

"It's rumored that she is the girl who played "Dee" on the old TV show
 `What's Happening'."
-- Anton C Shepps
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: John Carpenter

"Hey, Spike Lee may be able to do just about anything but he still
 hasn't managed to WRITE AND PERFORM HIS OWN SOUNDTRACK MUSIC! Haaaaa!
 Love the music for BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA -- pure cheese."
-- Lazlo Nibble
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Butthole Surfers

"Any group who starts out a song by screaming `SATAN! SATAN! SATAN!'
 can't be too bad..."
-- Richard Caley
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Butthole Surfers

"I have their album `Hairway to Steven'... The lyrics become
 intelligible when you play the album at 45 rpm."
-- Hans Huttel
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: David Bowie

"Somewhere between great and terrible."
-- John Gateley
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Bon Jovi

"I like one or two songs. Maybe. Don't tell anybody."
-- Lazlo Nibble
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Bon Jovi

"He's basically doing the same things Peter Frampton did way back
 when, except he's not as good at it."
-- rmiller@sbcs.sunysb.edu
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Beatles

"The only British band to have its own newsgroup."
-- Hans Huttel
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Anita Baker

"Adult contemporary at it's adult contemporaryest.  Yawn..."
-- valerie@athena.mit.edu
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Johann Sebastian Bach

"Great composer, but hasn't written much lately."
-- Richard Caley
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Joan Armatrading

"She should get more credit than Tracy Chapman, but she's not always
 politically correct, and if there's one thing the music industry
 can't stand it's a talented black female folk/rocker who is NOT
 politically correct."
-- Anton C Shepps
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Ian Anderson

"Sings, plays flute, cans salmon, what more could you wish for."
-- Richard Caley
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Alphaville

"Sentimental favorite of billions of US high school kids who chose
 `Forever Young' as a class theme song."
-- Lazlo Nibble
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Alphaville

"Pretty boys with pretty synthesizers and misplaced feelings for
 drama."
-- Wingerde van FJ
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: AC/DC

"Perhaps the world's most boring heavy metal band"
-- rmiller@sbcs.sunysb.edu
%%
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: AC/DC

"Eternal adolescents of Australian metal. Actually quite enjoyable if
 you turn off your brain."
-- sco!martyst@ucscc.UCSC.EDU
%%
Hardware:  
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
%%
Machine-independent program:  
A program that will not run on any machine.

[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
%%
Meeting:  

 An assembly of computer experts coming together to
 decide what person or department not represented
 in the room must solve the problem.

[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
%%
Office Automation:	

 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the
 office by removing anyone you would want to talk
 with over coffee.

[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
%%
Pascal:

 A programming language named after a man who would
 turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
%%
ADA:

 Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
 Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."

[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
%%
Performance:  

 A statement of the speed at which a computer
 system works.  Or rather, might work under certain
 circumstances.  Or was rumored to be working over
 in Jersey about a month ago.

[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
%%
Regression analysis:  

 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand
 why things are getting worse.

[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
%%
Strategy:  

 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated
 until sometime after those creating it have left
 the organization.

[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
%%
"My name's Johnny Nemo, and I'm a bastard.  No.  Wait.  Let me
 rephrase that. I'm a bastard, and my name's Johnny Nemo."
[From the adventures of JOHNNY NEMO.]
%%
"It's not brain surgery.  It's not nuclear physics.  It's television.
 It's only television."
-- Linda Ellerbee
%%
What do lawyers use for birth control?
		      Their personalities.
-- Nolo Press
%%
"I must admit I kept having this vision of Worf standing over the dead
 body of Q, and saying, `Whoa. Well, *I'm* convinced.'"
-- Peter David
%%
"If the Old Man blows by you in his weird sports car, just wave at
 him."
		     "Right.  What kind of sport car?"

"I can't pronounce it...  but I think it's Italian for 'money.'"

[Vinnie and Stem from WISEGUY]
%%
"Do I have to take an oath or something?"

		     "You swear to do what I tell you?"
"I swear."
		     "You've taken the oath."

[Vinnie and Stem from WISEGUY]
%%
"Oh, *very* clever, Worf.  Eat any good books lately?"
[Q from ST:TNG]
%%
"I have never seen anyone eat 10 chocolate sundaes."

		     "I'm in a REALLY bad mood."
[Q from ST:TNG]
%%
"You're right, of course.  I'm extraordinarily selfish.  But it has
 served me so well in the past."
[Q from ST:TNG]
%%
"I'm IMMORTAL again!  OMNIPOTENT again!"

		     "Swell."
[Q from ST:TNG]
%%
"Mom, it's Prohibition!"
		     "Oh, shut up -- stop acting like a fag choir boy."
[From JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY]
%%
"They made it for him special.  It's an .88 Magnum."

		     "It shoots through schools."
[From JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY]
%%
"The `New Kids On The Block' this week posed for photographers with
 their new line of `New Kids On The Block' dolls.  The dolls are
 incredibly lifelike and realistic except for one major difference:
 the dolls play their own instruments."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"It's rumored that when the divorce becomes final, Mrs. Trump will
 leave the city and move back to Czechoslovakia for a simpler country
 life.	When asked to comment on that rumor, Mrs. Trump said:
	`New York is where I'd rather stay;
	 I get allergic smelling hay.'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"Nelson Mandella returned home this week, and within an hour, was
 yelling at his neighbors to keep it down."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"Welcome to Bellevue, where Microsoft works on pull-down menus, and
 the highway department works on pop-up bridges."
[Off the net]
%%
"I-5, official parking lot of the Goodwill Games."
[Off the net]
%%
"It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without
 changing a single idea."
-- Robert Anton Wilson
%%
"I know what you mean.  The show is so of the moment and so
 culture-locked that it doesn't have a really good shelf life, and my
 persona's the same way.  CAN I be 'Ed the caretaker,' or whatever?  I
 dunno.	 I do intend to waste some of Disney's money trying to find
 out."
-- David Letterman
%%
One of the TOP 10 BRONCOS SUPERBOWL CHEERS:
"Back to the bus!  Back to the bus!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"I can say with confidence I know a fair bit about LSD."
-- Dan Rather
%%
"Actually the first fast-food franchise in the Soviet Union was
 supposed to be Taco Bell, but it was called off the Soviet officials
 heard the Taco Bell slogan: `RUN FOR THE BORDER!'"
-- Jay Leno
%%
"While he was in New York on location for BRONCO BILLY (1980), Clint
 Eastwood agreed to a television interview.  His host, somewhat
 hostile, began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent,
 ruthless, lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked
 Eastwood himself to define a Clint Eastwood picture.  `To me,' said
 Eastwood calmly, `what a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm
 in.'"
-- HOLLYWOOD ANECDOTES by Boller & Davis
%%
"Nobody cuts off my nuptials and gets away with it!"
[the BEETLEJUICE cartoon program]
%%
"So-called Cardinal, I put it to you that you died in December 1642."

			     "That is correct."

"Ah ha!  He fell for my little trap."

[Monty Python's Inspector Dim of the Yard]
%%
"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want,
 and deserve to get it good and hard."
-- H.L. Mencken
%%
"The only really happy folk are married women and single men."
-- H.L. Mencken
%%
"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your
 intelligence."
-- William F. Buckley, Jr.
%%
"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated, but never
 signed."
-- Christopher Morley
%%
"My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be
 invented so he could hate that too."
-- Peter De Vries
%%
"Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile."
-- Albert Schweitzer
%%
"The art of business is the art of making irrevocable decisions on the
 basis of inadequate information."
-- Wallace B. Donham
%%
"One must think like a hero to behave like a merely decent human
 being."
-- May Sarton
%%
Selections from The Top 10 List Of Reasons Why ROLLING STONES Magazine
					   Hates RUSH:

 10. They don't have a 1-900- "Chat With Rush" line
  9. They aren't a group of 3 ten-year-old middle school kids who ride
     skate boards and eat Happy Meals
  8. They don't come on TV and tell you to vote
  6. They don't write socially conscious songs that you can dance to 

-- Buck Dharma
%%
"I'm the Descartes of anxiety.  I panic, therefore I am."
-- Richard Lewis
%%
"Don't worry about feeling critically isolated.  It builds character."
[moi]
%%
"Sir, I'll have you know that I cannot be bought and I cannot be
 threatened. But you put the two together and I'm your man."
-- Norm Peterson
%%
"I hear [Spielburg's] going to do a comedy based on Joseph Conrad's
 _Lord_Jim_ and call it 'Big White Guy'.  There will be a few changes
 though. For example, the banana does NOT stick to the wall.  And he's
 going to change the ending so that Jim is transported back into his
 own time thanks to a fortunate bolt of lightning."
-- Shelley Louie
%%
"Thus I send you back to your mortal realms! And you don't even have
 to put your eyes out for having gazed on us!"

			     "Gosh, thanks."

[From Bill Loebs' EPICURUS THE SAGE]
%%
"Perhaps we can sneak by his ghastly retinue.  The last thing we want
 is a terrible battle with the Undead."

		     "Shit.  That's why I came."

[From Bill Loebs' EPICURUS THE SAGE]
%%
"And what is the traditional method of succession to the throne of
 Macedonia?"
			     "Generally, we smother our fathers with a
			      pillow."

[From Bill Loebs' EPICURUS THE SAGE]
%%
"See that comely wench, yonder?  She inflames me with desire.  I could
 raise an army, breach the walls, put everyone to the sword and then
 carry her off to ravish at my pleasure!"

		     "Actually, that's Goldie, the flower girl.	You
		      could just give her an obol. It would have the
		      same effect."

[From Bill Loebs' EPICURUS THE SAGE]
%%
"*S*uper *H*eroes *I*n *E*spionage-*L*ike *D*rag?"

		     "Nope.  Hand over the five bucks."
[DAMAGE CONTROL]
%%
"Hey!  Aren't you Nick Fury, the world-famous secret agent?"

			     "Beat it, kid."
[DAMAGE CONTROL]
%%
"Broke into the WRONG GODDAMN REC ROOM, didn't you, YOU BASTARD!!"
[TREMORS]
%%
"My motto is: love like a poet, pray like a lawyer."
-- Joe Kogel
%%
"I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on,
 I go to the library and read a book."
-- Groucho Marx
%%
"IMPIETY: Your irreverence towards my deity."
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
"If God created us in his own image we have more than reciprocated."
-- Voltaire
%%
"My only aversion to vice, is the price."
-- Victor Buono
%%
"One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged."
-- Heinrich Heine
%%
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
-- Benjamin Franklin
%%
"No, Vince... you carry enough."
[A weary Frank McPike on WISEGUY]
%%
"Rimmer, love is... love is what makes us different from animals."

		     "No, Lister, what makes us different from
		      animals is we don't use our tongues to clean our
		      own genitals."
[RED DWARF]
%%
"The line between actually very serious and actually very funny is
 actually very thin."
-- John Le Carre
[THE RUSSIA HOUSE]
%%
"This film is basically pro-humanity and anti-bad things and it rips
 aside the hypocritical facade of our society's gin and tonic and
 leaves a lot of sacred cows rolling around in agony, have a drink,
 have a drink."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Pretty strong meat there from Longueur who is saying, of course, that
 ultimately materialism, in this case the Webb's Wonder lettuce, must
 destroy us all."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"I'll do what I like, because I'm six foot five and I eat punks like
 you for breakfast."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"But the village idiot's dirty smock and wall-falling are a far cry
 from the modern world of the urban idiot. What kinds of backgrounds
 do these city idiots come from?"

	    "Eton, Sandhurst and the Guards, ha, ha, ha, ha."

"Father was Home Secretary and mother won the Derby."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Yes, we have quite a number of idiots banking here."

		     "What kind of money is there in idioting?"

"Well, nowadays a really blithering idiot can make anything up to ten
 thousand pounds a year -- if he's the head of some big industrial
 combine."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"That I don't know. I just don't know. I really just don't know.  I'm
 afraid I really just don't know.  I'm afraid even I really just don't
 know. I have to tell you I'm afraid even I really just don't know.
 I'm afraid I have to tell you..."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"There's a whole horde of them marauding Visogoths to see y'all."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"No, no, no -- it's spelt Raymond Luxury Yach-t, but it's pronounced
 `Throatwobbler Mangrove.'"

	     "You're a very silly man and I'm not going to interview you."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"I'm afraid there's been a mistake. The man who has been speaking to
 you is an imposter.  He is not in fact the Bishop of East Anglia, but
 a man wanted by the police.  *I* am the Bishop of East Anglia, and
 anyone who doesn't believe me can look me up in the book."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Obviously boxing has its limits, but providing they're both perfectly
 fit I can see nothing wrong with one healthy man beating the living
 daylights out of a little schoolgirl. It's quick and it's fun."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"The great thing about Ken is that he's almost totally stupid."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"That's clever.  How do they do that?"

	     "Colour separation, you cotton head."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"One thing worries me, Fritz."

			     "Ja?"

"Where's the traditional cheeky and lovable Cockney sergeant?"

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"The BBC would like to apologize for the poor quality of writing in
 that sketch. It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like
 bum, knickers, botty or wee-wees."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Morning, madam, I'm here to read your poet."

	     "Oh yes, he's in the cupboard under the stairs."

"What is it, a Swinburne? Shelley?"

	     "No, it's a Wordsworth."

"Oh, bloody daffodils."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"We was too late.  The Reverend Gumby bit the ceiling."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"OK, Devious...  Don't move!"
			     "The Bishop!"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Also, in the Inverness pantomime last Christmas, the part of Puss in
 Boots was played by a native of New Guinea with a plate in her lip,
 so that every time Dick Whittington gave her a French kiss, he got
 the back of his throat scraped."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Thank you. I didn't want to seem a bit of an old fusspot just now you
 know, but it's just as easy to get these things right as they are
 easily found in the BALPA handbook."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Oh, `an aeroplane'. Oh, I say, we are grand, aren't we? `Oh, oh, no
 more buttered scones for me, mater. I'm off to play the grand piano.'
 `Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane.'  Now get on the table!"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"When the Piranhas left school they were called up, but were found by
 an Army Board to be too mentally unstable even for National Service."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate.  It's nothing to worry about
 although it is *extremely* dangerous.	I shall be juggling with your
 life, I shall be playing ducks and drakes with your very existence, I
 shall be running me mitts over the pith of your marrow.  Yes! These
 hands, these fingers, these sophisticated organs of touch, these
 bunches of five, these maulers, these German bands that have pulled
 many a moribund unfortunate back from the very brink of Lazarus' box.
 No, it was Pandora's box, wasn't it?

"Well anyway, these mitts have earned yours truly a lot of bread.  So
 if you'll just step through here I'll slit you up a treat."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"What if nothing happens, sergeant?"

	"He's Alexander the Great!"

"Ha, ha! Caught you, Mr. A. T. Great!"

	"Oh, curses!  Curses!  I thought I was safe, disguised as
	 Attila the Hun."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"U-P Y-O-U-R-S"
		     "Up yours?	 What a rude Ouija board!"

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Now if you and your pal had one big wish, Trevor, what would you like
 to see on television?"

	     "I'd like to see more fairy stories about the police."

"And so you shall!"

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"And Oliver has run himself over!  What a great twit!"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Ah Hein... Reginald you have the wrong map here you silly old
 leg-before-wicket English person."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"As a character in Gore Vidal's new novel, `Hollywood', says: `What we
 invent, others reflect.'  The problem is that the only thing worse
 than Guns n' Roses is censorship."
-- The Economist, 12/23/89
%%
"So [Thomas Pynchon] wants a private life and no photographs and
 nobody to know his home address. I can dig it, I can relate to that
 (but, like, he should try it when it's compulsory instead of a
 free-choice option)."
-- Salman Rushdie
%%
"A stocking full of ammo!  He's a Santa for the nineties!"

	     "That's from *me*, Sam! Santa Claus hates that
	      kind of crap."

[Sam and Max, from one of their comic adventures]
%%
"He was a thief, and a terrorist, but on the other hand he had a
 tremendous singing voice."
[The BATMAN film]
%%
"I don't sing, I don't dance, and I don't like people who do."
[Late Night with David Letterman]
%%
"Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in
 every kind of excess."
[Calvin And Hobbes]
%%
"Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K."
[BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE]
%%
"Ho!	 Ha-ha!	 Guard!	 Turn!	Parry!	Dodge!	Spin!
 Ha!	 Thrust!"
[The classic Daffy Duck Robin Hood sketch]
%%
"Lacquered frog bands are no longer popular with America's influential
 trend-setters, Max.  We'd be hosed."
[Sam and Max, from one of their comic adventures]
%%
"And stop referring to dinner as `the recent unpleasantness'."
[THE LOCKHORNS]
%%
"I am successful because I am the only person in my city who is not
 heavily addicted to powerful narcotics."
[Cerebus]
%%
"Logic is a tweeting bird, chirping in your ear.
 Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell BAD."
[Star Trek: I, MUDD]
%%
"Inconceivable!"
		     "You use that word a lot. I don't think it means
		      what you think it does."
[THE PRINCESS BRIDE]
%%
"What about these commandments then?"

		     "You again?  All right...  There shall be
		      TWO commandments, and this shall be the
		      first of them: 'Keep the noise down.'"

"Just that? `Keep the noise down'?"

			     "You got it."

"Hmmm.  And the second of Your commandments, Lord?"

		     "Do what thou wilst, sayeth the Lord,
		      just go away and don't bother Me now.
		      For behold, some of Us are trying to get
		      some sleep around here."
[Seven Deadly Sins]
%%
"...And since the stench of death will always attract flies and
 vermin, the arrival of Geraldo was perhaps inevitable."
[Doonesbury]
%%
"Better the pride that resides 
	in a citizen of the world
 Than the pride that divides 
	when a colorful rag is unfurled."
-- N. Peart
%%
"I quote others only to better express myself."
-- Michel de Montaigne
%%
"Looks like she's having her monthly visit by 'Mr. Cranky'."
-- Dan Fielding
[NIGHT COURT]
%%
"Well, Brian.... I'm opening a boutique."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Well, I object to all this sex on television.  I mean, I keep falling
 off."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Are you mad?"
			     "No, sir."

"Well, that's a relief.  'Cos if you were, your story would be less
 plausible."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Oh, how horrible... Will they stop at nothing?"

		     "I don't know -- do you think they will?"

"I meant that rhetorically."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Yes, there's no place for sentiment in big business."

		     "Oh you're no fun anymore."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"It's the uniform that puts them off, that and my bad breath."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who
 is not only armed and trained to sniff out certain substances, but is
 also a junkie."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"What can we ever do to repay you?"

		     "No need to, sir.	It's all in a day's work for
		      Confuse-a-Cat."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Funny, isn't it, how naughty dentists always make one fatal mistake."
-- Lemming of the BDA
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE BRITISH DENTAL ASSOCIATION"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Oh look -- is it a Stockbroker?"
	"Is it a Quantity Surveyor?"
		 "Is it a Church Warden?"
			   "No!	 It's BICYCLE REPAIRMAN!" 
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"With a brilliant mind like yours, Dim, you could have been something
 other than a policeman."
			     "Yes."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"None of your smart answers... you think you're so clever.  Well, I'm
 Dim."

DIM OF THE YARD!

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"Well, speaking as a member of the Stock Exchange, I would suck their
 brains out with a straw, sell the widows and orphans and go into
 South American Zinc."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"He's that most dangerous of animals -- a clever sheep."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"A cop is a one-man zoo... with a gun!"
-- Sledge Hammer
%%
"I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead
 crab."
			     "Yes, you know, we find that nine out of
			      ten British housewives can't tell the
			      difference between Whizzo and a dead
			      crab."
"It's true, we can't, no."

[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"What's it feel like?"
		     "Death?  It's like being on holiday with a bunch
		      of Germans."
[RED DWARF]
%%
"First rule in murder, old love: never ask the customer if they did
 it, in case they tell you."
-- Horace Rumpole
%%
"I'm not in the mood for jokes."
		     "How about *sight gags*?!"
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
%%
"Mom!  How?!"
		     "Girl Scouts."
["Another Mother" episode of QUANTUM LEAP]
%%
"Just look! I've been greatly deceived.  The fellow's a raving
 heterosexual!"
["Rumpole and the Quality of Life", RUMPOLE OF THE BAILEY]
%%
"There is no mystery why the media and advertising are fields in which
 Britons should be thriving.  In the global, information-based economy
 which THE ECONOMIST keeps touting, Britain has a comparative
 advantage in mastery of the English language -- not just in relation
 to foreign-tongued peoples but in relation to America, too.  Brits
 remain great talkers.  This gift will support them when the oil runs
 out."
-- Michael Kinsley
%%
"Decent ice cream is almost unobtainable in Britain.  On the other
 hand, America has inexplicably failed to discover the
 chocolate-covered digestive biscuit -- possibly the greatest single
 foodstuff ever invented."
-- Michael Kinsley
%%
"Watching Mrs. Thatcher's performance from my living room in America
 brought home (literally) how impossible it is to imagine President
 George Bush, or any leading American politician, uttering such an
 obvious but unpleasant truth so forthrightly.  Whatever happens to
 Mr. Bush, he will never have the problems Mrs.  Thatcher is now going
 through, which stem from ideological hubris.  She knows what she
 believes and is willing to pursue it past the point of either good
 sense or political prudence. Mr. Bush believes in very little."
-- Michael Kinsley
%%
"We're mostly sympathetic, only occasionally empathic, and very very
 very rarely telepathic."
-- Kathy Li
%%
"H-h-hi, boys and girls!  I'm here, and Pluto's here, and Donald's
 here, and Goofy's here, and we're all sick and we're all going to
 throw up for distance!"
[I'm still not sure -- got it from Dan'l Danehy-Oakes, and he says it's from
 two guys, but wasn't specific]
%%
"It is not the criminal things which are hardest to confess, but the
 ridiculous and shameful."
-- Jean Jacques Rousseau
%%
"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of
 man."
-- Rabindranath Tagore
%%
"I have just learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's
 wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. And second,
 let her have it."
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%%
"Good conversation is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard
 to sleep after."
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
%%
"I like men to behave like men -- strong and childish."
-- Francoise Sagan
%%
"The greatest cunning is to have none at all."
-- Carl Sandburg
%%
"I'm an atheist, and I thank God for it."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"You don't need much in the law except a certain amount of common
 sense and relatively clean fingernails."
-- John Mortimer's father
%%
"Rumpole shall sleep no more."
[RUMPOLE OF THE BAILEY]
%%
"How big is Greenville [Maine]?"

 			"Let us just say that the chances of the Boston
			 Pops stopping here for a concert are remote."

[My dad, when asking about the position he took in the
 backwoods of Maine when I was but a toddler]
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- December 26th
"The world weeps with joy as Britain's royal family agrees to just
 stay inside and shut up for a couple of years."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- December 8th
"Gunfire erupts on the strife-torn TODAY show; fortunately, nobody is
 killed except Gene Shalit. Ratings soar."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- November 21st
"The House and Senate, responding to growing public disgust over their
 inability to control spending or eliminate corruption, finally set
 aside petty partisan differences and unite in another effort to jack
 up their salaries. This time the concept is an 'ethics' bill, under
 which congressmen will get a large pay raise, in return for which
 they will agree to stop robbing convenience stores."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- November 17th
"Despite fierce opposition from the National Rifle Association, the
 California Legislature passes a bill prohibiting the sale of assault
 rifles to people on Death Row."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- November 9th
"True item: The Department of Energy acknowledges that Charlton
 Heston, who narrates films for the Energy Department, has for six
 years held the nation's highest nuclear-weapons security clearance."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- November 3rd
"The Federal Aviation Administration OKs smoking on flights where two
 or more engines have failed."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- October 26th
"In what should serve as a harsh warning to those who seek to make
 money by exploiting the religious faith of others, convicted
 televangelist Jim Bakker appears before a judge for sentencing, and,
 as a hushed courtroom looks on, is struck by lightning.  Random House
 publishes former first lady Nancy Reagan's heart-warming new book,
 'I'll Get All You Bastards.'"
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- September 30th
"After a trial that receives considerably more publicity than the
 ozone layer, Zsa Zsa Gabor is convicted and, in what is widely viewed
 as an overly lenient punishment, sentenced to death."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- September 15th
"The legendary Rolling Stones embark on a nationwide tour with a
 spectacular show that reaches its electrifying climax when, during
 'Honky Tonk Woman,' bass player Bill Wyman, age 53, hurls his teeth
 to the audience."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- September 4th
"In New York, the Leona Helmsely trial comes to a satisfactory
 conclusion when a little girl throws a bucket of water on the
 defendant, causing her to dissolve."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- August 12th
"The federal government, finally fed up with the savings and loan
 industry's appalling stupidity, irresponsibility, corruption and
 greed, gives it several hundred billion taxpayer dollars. 'And
 there's plenty more where that came from,' the government warns."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- August 8th
"Warner Communications merges with the Medellin Drug Cartel."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- July 21st
"The B-2 'stealth' bomber, which has so far cost $17 billion, is
 test-flown and proves to be, as advertised, virtually invisible to
 radar. Unfortunately, it can be easily picked up on regular
 television."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- July 8th
"Thousands of refugees stream out of Beirut, fleeing the increasing
 violence and devastation caused by British soccer fans."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- July 5th
"In what some observers feel could be a tactical error, Hotel Queen
 Leona Helmsely arrives at her tax-evasion trial riding a broom."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 25th
"President Bush, responding with bold swift visionary leadership to
 the brutal crackdown on pro-democracy demonstrators in China,
 proposes a constitutional amendment to prohibit flag-burning."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 21st
"In a decision that outrages the nation, the U.S. Supreme Court rules
 that, no matter how repugnant it may be to most people, the
 constitutional guarantee of free speech protects the right of
 politicians to propose foolish and ludicrously unnecessary
 anti-flag-burning amendments and posture and bluster and writhe like
 hypocritical slugs in a bog of pandering slime. In the House of
 Representatives, long lines immediately form in front of the C-Span
 cameras."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 19th
"Barry Switzer, fed up with constant harassment over alleged NCAA
 rules violations, resigns as coach of the University of Oklahoma,
 deeply saddening his players, some of whom have been with him more
 than 15 years."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 16th
"Jerry Falwell announces that he's dissolving the Moral Majority so he
 can spend more time at the track."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 6th
"At funeral services for the Ayatollah Khomeini, grief-stricken
 Iranian moderates express their love for their fallen leader by
 ripping off his clothes, revealing that he is wearing large red silk
 undershorts on which are printed the words 'Home of the Whopper.'"
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 4th
"The U.S. Postal Service warns that a number of consumers have had
 'unusual' reactions after licking the Jimi Hendrix commemorative
 stamp."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 3rd
"On the TODAY show, Willard Scott 'accidentally' stabs Bryant Gumbel
 with a pitchfork."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- May 31st
"Somebody wins yet another exciting and memorable running of the
 Indianapolis 500, an exhibition of driving skill featuring cars
 sponsored by Budweiser, Miller, Budweiser Light, Miller Dry,
 Budweiser Wet, Jim Beam, Marlboro, Miller Flat, Camel and the
 Medellin Drug Cartel."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- May 23rd
"The New York mayoralty race heats up as Mayor Ed Koch, seeking a
 fourth term, is shot and wounded by subway vigilante Bernard Goetz,
 who immediately surges ahead in the polls."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- May 3rd
"In Bejing's Tiananmen Square, hopes for democracy soar as thousands
 of Chinese students erect a replica of Batman."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- May 1st
"Amid a massive wave of publicity disguised as news, the Disney
 Corporation opens its latest theme park, 'A World Of Cranky People
 Waiting In Lines.'"
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- April 11th
"After hearing lengthy and complex court arguments between American
 and Australian yachtsmen over who should get the prestigious
 America's Cup, a federal judge orders everybody to get a real job."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- April 8th
"The heartening spread of Western-style democracy continues as the
 Soviet Union, which has never had truly free elections, announces
 that delegates to the Soviet General Assembly will henceforth be
 selected via caucuses in Iowa."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- April 1st
"Two scientists announce that they have figured out how to create a
 nuclear fusion reaction in a glass of ordinary tap water.  For some
 reason, this is hailed as good news."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- March 25th
"An Exxon tanker runs aground and begins spewing oil into ecologically
 delicate waters. The company's highly trained Emergency Disaster
 Response Team immediately swings into action; within hours, gasoline
 prices have been jacked up worldwide."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- March 24th
"Michael Jordan becomes the first human being to land on Saturn. He is
 fouled on the play."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- March 12th
"In other boxing news, Mike Tyson, citing 'irreconcilable
 differences,' drops Robin Givens from a jet."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- February 26th
"In an unusually upbeat Grammy Awards ceremony, Bobby McFerrin,
 composer of the hugely popular song 'Don't Worry, Be Happy,' is
 shot."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- February 17th
"The Ayatollah Khomeini signs a $3 million contract with Viking
 publishers to promote sales of Salman Rushdie's book, 'The Satanic
 Verses.'"
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- January 26th
"Secretary of Defense nominee John Tower, angrily responding to
 charges that he has a drinking problem, tells a Senate hearing that
 he can lick any man in the room."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- January 17th
"As the eight historic years of the Reagan administration draw to a
 close, White House staffers begin the melancholy but at the same time
 satisfying task of getting Nancy out with a water cannon."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- January 8th
"The savings and loan industry announces heavy fourth-quarter bingo losses."
%%
"We're very kinky, in a Republican sort of way."
-- Sue Pauloz
%%
"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it 'working'... more like 'groveling
 for dollars.'"
[NIGHT COURT]
%%
"Shh.  It's satire."
		     "No it isn't.  This is zany madcap humour."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"I am never more serious than when I am joking."
[From the PBS series CAMPION]
%%
"There are a great many people in the country today who, through no
 fault of their own, are sane."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"One day you'll realize there's more to life than culture!  There's
 dirt, and smoke, and good honest sweat!"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
%%
"What's the difference between the United States and Eastern European
 countries?  The United States still has a communist party."
[Joke on Carson]
%%
"But HE loved *pure* and *chaste* from *afar*....
 Well, that part was never big with me, either."
[QUANTUM LEAP]
%%
"When a network changes a show, it's like brain surgery with a
 baseball bat."
-- Stephanie A. Wiltse
%%
"Into the mud, scum queen!"
-- THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS
%%
"You try my patience!"
		     "Don't mind if I do; you must come over and try
		      mine sometime!"
[Groucho and Margot Dumont, from one of their pictures]
%%
"Xerox sues someone for copying?"
-- David Letterman
%%
"Michael Palin was on 'Carson' last night... and he talked a little
 about Graham Chapman and the memorial service they held for him.  Ten
 or so people got up and gave tributes to Graham, and then it fell to
 John Cleese.  He said, 'Graham Chapman, co-writer of the 'Dead
 Parrot' sketch, is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and
 gone to meet his maker...' and ran the whole gamut of his parrot
 speech, winding up with 'He is an EX-Chapman.' Cleese went on to add
 that some people might find that tribute offensive, which was exactly
 why he did it: Graham loved to offend people."
-- Barb Prillaman
%%
"Okay, I'm tired of talking to myself.  Fade the music and let's see
 if there's really an audience out there watching cable."
[Molly Dodd]
%%
"You know, Molly, we all get what we deserve, whether we deserve it or
 not."
[Molly Dodd]
%%
"What we had was so darn genuine; it was like fine nylon."
[Molly Dodd]
%%
"I was married to a musician named Fred C. Dodd, and the guy's got a
 hold on my heart so tight that sometimes I think I'm never going to
 breathe again."
[Molly Dodd]
%%
"Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple
 and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle Plans Are
 Here Again'."
[Black Adder]
%%
"McPike.  McPIKE!"
[WISEGUY.  You hadda be there.]
%%
"Don't you care about this country?"

		     "Damn right I care... about *this* country.
		      That's why I own it."
[WISEGUY]
%%
"So in our vast files, we have about as much on this guy as, uh, The
 National Enquirer?"
		     "Our files are *from* The National Enquirer."
[WISEGUY]
%%
"I'm a recluse, dammit. I don't see people. If I did, I wouldn't be a
 recluse."
[WISEGUY]
%%
"You're maudlin and full of self-pity. You're magnificent."
[SUNSET BOULEVARD]
%%
"'E's not the Messiah!  'E's a very naughty boy!"
-- LIFE OF BRIAN
%%
"Save your breath, pork chop.  We scrapped all that."

			     "'Screpped', Your Grace?"

"The real estate checklist and who I can beat at dominoes.  We don't
 use that anymore."

[Cerebus]
%%
"In the forest, the Aliens learn what hundreds of thieves, cut-throats
 and enemy spies have learned!  Flaming Carrot is a mounting inferno
 of blasting, blazing death to all who oppose him!"
[FLAMING CARROT COMICS]
%%
"We are Earth's only chance! We must fight and die like famous heroes!
 Fight for a world that perhaps considers us, that considers us all,
 well, let's say, perhaps, goofy!"
[FLAMING CARROT COMICS]
%%
"OK, I got it.  We get out of the dreaming, while he's busy with the
 bozo, cut open Barnaby and Clarice, scoop out their insides and hide
 inside their skins.  He'd *never* think of looking for us there..."

			     "HE would."
"...Yeah, he would."

[Neil Gaimen, SANDMAN]
%%
"The possible ramifications of my actions are endless.  Do you want
 half of a ham sandwich?"
[Bernie Mireault, THE JAM]
%%
"Unk!  Tarzan catch pizza!  Tarzan kill pizza with empty wallet! Bring
 home to Janet!	Tarzan get laid tonight?"
[Bernie Mireault, THE JAM]
%%
"What?"
		     "You know you just threw the Second-assistant
		      Attorney General out of his own war room?"
"Well, so what?"
		     "So, I always wanted to do that."
[WISEGUY]
%%
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS LINCOLN WOULD SAY IF HE WERE ALIVE TODAY: 

 10. Through the years, the Union has been preserved 
  8. How much money do I get from these Lincoln Logs? 
  6. What the hell is Donahue doing in Russia?
  5. Why is the video store always out of "Mandingo"? 
  4. I really think I should have been the king in that Civil War chess set 
  2. EEAAGH!  Iron bird!
  1. That fruit Jefferson gets Monticello.  I get a tunnel.

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP NINE GOOD THINGS ABOUT STEROIDS:

  9. They don't leave your breath all mediciney
  6. We'll all need to bulk up when the giant ants arrive 
  4. Great for community theater groups putting on
     Ibsen's "The Incredible Hulk"

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Fleet Street finally signed off.  The Daily Express was printed in
 its Black Lubianka building for the last time on November 17th, the
 last national newspaper to quit the street."
-- THE ECONOMIST, 11/25/89
%%
"After the Earthquake, word around Stanford campus is that the Law
 School is planning a Class Action Suit against God.

"As a result of the quake, the Business School has been condemned.  My
 personal feeling is that if God takes this line of defense, no jury
 on Earth would convict him."
-- William Fischer
%%
 "I dreamed a show in days gone by
  When all the scenery was so pretty
  I didn't sing one song then die
  And all my costumes weren't so gritty

  I did a tap dance and I smiled
  And pathos wasn't overstated
  My lips were red, my hair was styled
  I didn't act so constipated

  But now that misery's in style
  It's more artistic if you suffer
  So they tore my dress apart
  And all the chorus girls walk lame, lame---

  I dreamed a show in days gone by
  Neil Diamond didn't sing my hit song
  A pretty girl they'd glorify
  And Act One wasn't so damn long

  Come watch us grovel in the dirt
  Then buy a souvenir and don it
  Rich folks pay twenty bucks a shirt
  That has a starving pauper on it"
		   --"Forbidden Broadway"
%%
"Once again, Paul, you have crystallized my thoughts perfectly."
[David Letterman]
%%
"There is nothing funny about a clown in the moonlight."
-- Lon Chaney Sr.
%%
"Happiness is lots of little things. Green, about 2.5' by 6'."
[Off of a Usenet sign-off line.	 Forgot -- sorry!]
%%
"It's easier to write an ad than save a beach."
-- Bill Moyers
%%
"20 years ago, with `The Selling of the President', was the first time
 that people realized that President was packaged... like a bar of
 soap.  20 years later, people have gotten to the point where that
 analogy seems unfair to soap."
-- Barbera Lippert
%%
"Nothing can disguise the quiet jubilation of this November [Czech]
 revolution.  The fear that change could slip away again, though still
 present, now seems to be receding.  Mr. Ludvik Vaculik, a writer with
 a mordant tongue who well remembers the disappointment of 1968, was
 asked what had made him laugh the most this past week.  `Nothing made
 me,' he said, `I laughed voluntarily.'"
-- THE ECONOMIST, 12/2/89
%%
"We sleep better when we read `TALES OF GORE'?"
[QUANTUM LEAP]
%%
"Adversity is the first path to Truth."
-- Lord Byron
%%
"The word love has by no means the same sense for both sexes, and this
 is one cause of the serious misunderstandings that divide them."
-- Simone de Beauvoir
%%
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to
 please everyone."
-- Bill Cosby
%%
"A bad review is like baking a cake with all the best ingredients and
 having someone sit on it."
-- Danielle Steel
%%
"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel
 coast to coast without seeing anything."
-- Charles Kuralt
%%
"Where love rules, there is no rule to power; and where power
 predominates, there love is lacking.  The one is the shadow of the
 other."
-- C. G. Jung
%%
"Every man is a damn fool at least five minutes every day; wisdom
 consists in not exceeding the limit."
-- Elbert Hubbard
%%
"That man is not truly brave who is afraid either to seem to be, or to
 be, when it suits him, a coward."
-- Edgar Allan Poe
%%
"One day the people of the world will want peace so much that the
 governments are going to have to get out of their way and let them
 have it."
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
"He's an honest man -- you can shoot craps with him over the
 telephone."
-- Earl Wilson
%%
"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never
 tried."
-- Mae West
%%
"If you achieve success, you will get applause.  Enjoy it -- but never
 quite believe it."
-- Robert Montgomery
%%
"Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the
 options."
-- Abba Eban
%%
"Superstition is foolish, childish and irrational -- but how much does
 it cost you to knock on wood?"
-- Judith Viorst
%%
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad
 reputation."
-- Henry Kissinger
%%
"I make progress by having people around who are smarter than I am --
 and listening to them.	 And I assume that everyone is smarter about
 something than I am."
-- Henry Kaiser
%%
"I write to understand as much as to be understood."
-- Elie Wiesel
%%
"A conservative is a person who does not think anything should be done
 for the first time."
-- Frank Vanderlip
%%
"To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence
 as to talk well."
-- John Marshall
%%
"All I know of love is that Love is all there is."
-- Emily Dickinson
%%
"Advice after injury is like medicine after death."
-- Danish proverb
%%
"You punch me, I punch back. I do not believe it is good for one's
 self-respect to be a punching bag."
-- Edward Koch
%%
"How I wait for my good is more important than what I wait for. Life
 is not living in a 'waiting room', but rather waiting in a 'living
 room'."
-- Dr. Dorothy Kobak
%%
"Somebody's boring me... I think it's me."
-- Dylan Thomas
%%
"Worries go down better with soup."
-- Yiddish proverb
%%
"It is easier to love humanity than to love your neighbor."
-- Eric Hoffer
%%
"People everywhere enjoy believing things that they know are not
 true.	It spares them the ordeal of thinking for themselves and
 taking the responsibility for what they know."
-- Brooks Atkinson
%%
"There is a scarcity of friendship, but not of friends."
-- Thomas Fuller
%%
"Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine shall fall by
 pestilence, so why bother shaving?"
-- Woody Allen
%%
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
 overalls and looks like work."
-- Thomas Edison
%%
"Love and do what you will."
-- St. Augustine
%%
"Futility: playing a harp before a buffalo."
-- Burmese proverb
%%
"You may be imperious, but the effect is always spoiled when you
 apologize."
-- Karen Williams
%%
"Any last requests?"
		     "Yes, do you know `Heartbreak Hotel'?"
[NINJA HIGH SCHOOL]
%%
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS DAN QUAYLE WOULD MAKE A
		GREAT PRESIDENT: 

  8. His willingness to don inspiring Eagle Man costume on national holidays 
  5. State of the Union Address would be three minutes, tops
  3. Would satisfy little-known Constitutional requirement that
     Chief Executive be "dumb as a tree"
  2. We'd get to watch him grow up on TV

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN PROMOTIONAL SLOGANS FOR THE
		SAN SALVADOR SHERATON: 

 10. Live through two nights, and the third night's free 
  9. As seen on TV's "Nightline"!
  8. Touch the towels, and we'll blow your damn head off 
  4. We put the hospital in hospitality

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"And, after all, it is the 200th anniversary of the presidency.
 That's something to celebrate.	 From George to George -- in only 200
 years, we've gone from 'I cannot tell a lie' to 'I cannot tell'."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"Reading, editing or printing of this text without the express written
 consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited."
[Ken Kubey]
%%
"But Alex, I don't want to be rich for the same reason as other men."

     "Not for the cars, the houses, the women?"

"Oh, I guess it is the same reason."
[TAXI]
%%
"Writers, by definition, have tremendous egos.  Because a writer is
 someone who says, 'Look at me!  What I have to say is so important
 that it deserves to be written down and preserved and have my name on
 it for future generations to mull over!'"
-- Harlan Ellison
%%
"Eat right. Sleep tight. Get goodly exercise, and life's full splendor
 will poke you in the eyes."
[From a King Arthur parody at a Renaisannce Fair]
%%
"And what IS this crap about fighting on HORSEBACK? The Warrior Code
 doesn't sanction that shit!"
		     "Real warriors stand toe to toe and SLUG IT OUT!"
[Foolbert Sturgeon's AMAZONS]
%%
"Oh! Brilliant!  We're getting MASSACRED and he quibbles over
 semantics!"
[Foolbert Sturgeon's AMAZONS]
%%
"Stay cool, boys."
		  "Don't call us BOYS!"
"What do you want me to call you?"
		  "How 'bout `Me Hearties!'"
	   "I like `Buckos'!"
[Foolbert Sturgeon's AMAZONS]
%%
"Meanwhile, on MT. OLYMPUS, the gods are watching on the big
 screen..."
[Foolbert Sturgeon's AMAZONS]
%%
"FASTER than a speeding bullet...  More POWERFUL than a locomotive...
 Able to LEAP tall buildings...
"...I can live with it!"
[The slightly de-powered Power Girl in JLE]
%%
"You're in worse shape that you look!  You're quoting Dan Quayle."
[Steve Gerber, SHE-HULK]
%%
"Okay.  Got it.  I hit him with something that doesn't HAVE a
 psychological makeup -- like a car."
[Steve Gerber, SHE-HULK]
%%
"Ladies.  Gentlemen. You have eaten well. You've eaten Gotham's
 wealth. Its spirit. Your feast is nearly over.
"From this moment on -- none of you are safe."
[Frank Miller, BATMAN: YEAR ONE]
%%
"Mrs. Gordan.  You have to trust me. I won't let your boy die."
[Frank Miller, BATMAN: YEAR ONE]
%%
"Would you call that an elegant solution, Mr.  Spock?"

	     "Indeed, Captain.	When I am required to testify
	      at a court martial I shall use those very
	      words."

"I knew I could count on you, Spock."

[STAR TREK, the comic]
%%
"I take the ugly weight off my hip... I hold it up like a dead rat and
 pray the man understands..."
[Frank Miller, BATMAN: YEAR ONE]
%%
"...I pray he's strong.  And smart enough to stay alive.  How did I
 let this happen? How did I screw up so badly... to bring an innocent
 child to life in a city without hope..."
[Frank Miller, BATMAN: YEAR ONE]
%%
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS EXXON IS LEAVING ALASKA: 

 10. Sometimes had to drive miles to find liquor store.
  8. Going to start really big job of cleaning up Exxon station restrooms
  4. Big party this weekend at Captain Hazelwood's

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Although the [Berlin] Wall will come down, Checkpoint Charlie will
 remain, but it's already been changed into a 4-hour photo service."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"I place my faith in fools. Self confidence, my friends call it."
-- Edgar Allen Poe
%%
"Oh, Tim, take a ladder, and ascend alone to Heaven."
-- Elliot Wilen
%%
"You deliver a good argument, but speaking personally, I'd rather have
 an exhibitionist nymphomaniac, especially one who looked like Julie
 Newmar."
-- Jerry Boyajian
%%
"[Mort] Sahl and [Alexander] Haig were discussing Henry Kissinger.
 Sahl mentioned that, of course, Kissinger could not be the US
 President since he was not born in the US.  Haig said, no, that's a
 common misconception, Kissinger was born in the US. 'How did he get
 that accent?' asked Sahl.  Haig replied, 'From never listening to
 anybody.'"
%%
"A born-again Christian, Mr. [Rupert] Murdoch claimed that his
 newspapers -- including the evangelizing SUN -- are aids to a moral
 revival."
-- The Economist, 10/21/89
%%
 Fortune has me well in hand;
 Armies wait at my command.
 My gold lies in a foreign land
 Buried deep beneath the sand.

 The angels guide my every tread;
 My enemies are sick or dead.
 But all the victories I've lead
 Haven't brought you to my bed.

 Everybody loves me, baby;  
	What's the matter with you?
 Won't you tell me: What did I do
	To offend you?
-- Don McLean
%%
 No land is beyond my claim
 When land is seized in the people's name
 By evil men who rob and maim -- 
 If war is hell, *I'm* not to blame.

 Why, you can't blame me, I'm heaven's child
 And the second son of Mary Mild;
 And I'm twice removed from Oscar Wilde
 [But he didn't mind, why, he just smiled!]
-- Don McLean
%%
Selections from TOP TEN WAYS THE IRANIANS WILL SPEND
		THE $567 MILLION (recently unfrozen by the West):

 10. Upgrade hijackers to First Class
  9. Have the Reagans visit 283 times
  8. Set up research lab to develop untippable coffin
  5. Pay for tourism campaign: "Iran -- sort of like Amish country"

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE BERLIN WALL:

 10. I came for the political freedom -- I'm staying for the McRibs!
  9. Is this the line for BATMAN?
  7. As long as you're already in the trunk, let's go to a drive-in
  6. We're coming to save you, Zsa Zsa!
  2. This ought to scare the crap out of the French 
  1. We're going to Disney World!

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Colleges should teach sex education, after all, when it comes to
 screwing people they're the best."
-- Patrick J. Murphy
%%
"Everything has a boolean value, if you stand far enough away from it."
-- Galena Alyson Canada
%%
"Y'know, I heard about people like me, But I never made the
 connection..."
-- Don McLean
%%
"In our college newspaper, `The Daily Collegian', there was an article
 on how the BATMAN Movie flopped in Norway. In the Norwegian version,
 Batman's name was changed to `Lightning Wing' because the literal
 translation of `Batman' is something like `Fluttering-mouse Man'."
-- Akbar
%%
"So after today, Germans can go into any country they want.
 ...Say, wasn't that the problem in 1939?"
-- Carson on THE TONIGHT SHOW
%%
"The new slogan in East Germany these days is `Ich bin ein Outahere!'"
-- Carson on THE TONIGHT SHOW
%%
#1 THING THE REAGANS DID FOR THE $2 MILLION IN JAPAN:
	Make Gerald Ford's post-presidential career
	look dignified.
-- David Letterman
%%
"Police have no clues, and have issued this terse statement: `Like we
 haven't got enough to worry about.'"
[From STRAY TOASTERS]
%%
"Wow, I didn't know Ninjas could become invisible!...  Ninjas can
 breathe under water!  They can dodge bullets at point blank range!
 They can walk up sides of buildings!  They can install
 *telephones*!!!"
[That rascal, THE TICK]
%%
"He stands... like some kind of pagan god or deposed tyrant... staring
 out over the city he's sworn... to stare out over..."
[THE TICK]
%%
"Ah! I'll get a hold of that flagpole and jump to safety!"

 <*SNAP*>

"Ah! I'll bounce off that broad flat surface and be in a lot of
 pain!!!"

[THE TICK]
%%
"My indifference to that comment can only be described as sexual in
 intensity."
-- Martin Terman
%%
"The clerk looked at it and said `Hmmmm. Bad book.' I was somewhat
 embarrassed and said, `Yeah, I read anything.'	The clerk said, `I
 meant the glue.'"
-- Matt Wiener
%%
"It appears that while Diana was bestowed with the strength, wisdom
 and agility of the various Gods at birth, Jeanette Kahn was given
 'the knees of a network TV executive'."
[Moi]
%%
"Reviewers are like jeans: you find one that matches your tastes, and
 then you stick with them until your tastes deviate (or you start
 losing change through the holes in the pockets), at which point you
 sell them to Russian immigrants."
[Moi]
%%
"Defining the line where art becomes a subset of entertainment is so
 intensely personal that I'm not at all sure what use it is to others.
 Rather like opinions about the nature of God, favorite sexual
 positions, and whether or not to have that piece of pecan pie after a
 bowl of Gumbo Creole."
[Moi]
%%
"I've always found that people use witty remarks when they have
 nothing meaningful to say."
-- Martin Terman
%%
"NAUSICAA #2: Gentle fun for all ages.  Except maybe that part with
 all the dead bodies flying everywhere."
-- Ed Hsu
%%
"WOLVERINE: Sex and violence, without the sex.  "
-- Dan'l Danehy-Oakes
%%
"...everyone else just throws a tantrum when their articles aren't
 replied to. You have to bring up artistic integrity."
[Moi]
%%
"And so the obvious phallic symbolism of Wolverine's claws provides a
 counterpoint to the Oedipal blindness motif of Cyclops' ruby visor."
-- Carl Rigney
%%
"Who are...oh, waitaminnit! I recognize you. You used to be on MR.
 ED, right? You were the sticky, peanut-butter-like substance that
 they'd put inside Ed's lower lip to make him move his mouth and then
 it would look like he's talking."
-- Blair Houghton
%%
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU KICKED OUT OF DISNEY WORLD:

10.	Driving down Main Street USA with Bambi's mother
        strapped to your fender
 9.	Dumping medical waste into Sleeping Beauty's moat
 7.	Taunting the guy in Pluto costume for not being able to
        get a better job
 6.	Declaring loudly, "I DO believe in Tinkerbell" in the men's room
 5.	Going after Chip and Dale with a weed-wacker
 2.	Parading around in "Home of the Matterhorn" underwear

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"I just can't take the chance that you might shoot Dana Carvey."

	     "Alright, what about members of the audience?"

"Lemme see what it says on the back of the ticket.... Do what you have
 to do."

[Lorne Michaels on a SNL skit]
%%
"I'm sure it'll be a real magnet for scholars in the future: The
 Reagan Library.  I see a split-level stucco warehouse with rows of
 Reader's Digest condensed books and a magnifying glass beside every
 chair."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"If you want more information, write to the Smoking and Drinking
 Council in your state for our pamphlet, 'Smoking and Drinking: Not
 half as bad as hard drugs!'"
[ALMOST LIVE]
%%
"You've seen 'em on beer commercials, you've seen 'em at football
 games...  say hello to the happiest guys around: HI-FIVE'N WHITE
 GUYS!"
			     "They're young, from wealthy families!
			      They're financially secure!  In a few
			      years they'll be running business and
			      the government!"
[ALMOST LIVE]
%%
"That's why I have a few modest suggestions to solve the art
 problem... The federal appointment of an Arts Czar.  I recommend
 somebody who doesn't know anything about art, in much the same way
 William Bennett, our Drugs Czar, doesn't know anything about drugs,
 law enforcement, or education.	Folks, I volunteer."
-- Ian Shoales
%%
"I don't care if it offends fundamentalists, Moslems, or
 televangelists, or even my Mom. I only care if it offends me
 personally.  I've said this before and I'll say it again: I'M
 OFFENDED EVERY DAY. Have I ever cut off the funding of things I'm
 offended by?  Follow the bouncing syntax -- the answer is 'no'.  So
 what if kids see the private parts of men in three-piece suits?  What
 if our little ones, our nation's precious resource, should happen
 upon a display of 'homoeroticism'?  Well gosh, folks, we take our
 kids to the zoo all the time.  When they see a baboon in heat, do we
 write a letter to our representatives telling them non-profit funds
 are being used to fund bestiality?  No. We chalk the whole thing up
 to biology and move the kids on to the petting zoo."
-- Ian Shoales
%%
"YOU OPEN THAT DOOR!"
		     "Hey Roz!	What's in your purse?  Mind if we
		      look??"
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
ASK DR. SCIENCE: 
	    "Dear Dr. Science: Where are worms going when they crawl
	     across a highway on a rainy night?"

"Put yourself in the worm's place.  So far your life has been one of
 continuous crawling, eating dirt, and being covered with slime.
 You're not much to look at, even if you had a way of seeing yourself.
 The only thing you look forward to is sex, and that's with other
 worms. Then, on top of it all, it rains.  So the worms you see are
 not crossing the road.	They're waiting.  For your car.

"As a child, you knew instinctively, stomping a worm on the sidewalk
 is exactly what it wants. The next time it rains, get in your car and
 drive as much as possible.  You'll be doing a lot of worms a favor,
 pushing them into the next stage of reincarnation, so they can be
 reborn as a Yorkshire Terrier, or a lawyer."
%%
"Aha!  I see the problem -- a disgruntled homosexual on the gun
 deck. Case closed!"
[Editorial Cartoon by Oliphant]
%%
"You want honest?  Honest is: it sucks.  But you sleep with both eyes
 closed."
[Frank McPike of WISEGUY, commenting on a desk job]
%%
"Now that you're here, James, I hope we can look forward to some
 gratuitous sex and violence."
[Algenon, from NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN]
%%
"Whack!  Huroo!  Now dance to your partner!  Welt the floor, your
 trotters shake; Isn't it the truth I've told ye?  Lots of fun at
 Finnegan's wake."
[Finnegan's Wake, from SKREEMER]
%%
"The meaning of this outrage is perfectly clear -- we're glad you're
 back and we're drinking your beer."
[Mezz, from NEXUS]
%%
"It appears, Captain, that you have irritated the head of a people
 widely regarded as fanatics."

			     "Call it a knack."

[All in a day for Kirk and Spock, from the STAR TREK comic...]
%%
"Then why didn't I die when he told me to?"

		     "Well, Hell... you never take *my* advice.	 Why
		      should you listen to his?"

[Kirk and McCoy from DC's STAR TREK]
%%
"Ten MILLION?!  *I'd* shoot me for ten million."
[Kirk comments on a price on his head, from DC's STAR TREK]
%%
 TEN COMMANDMENTS, or Rules and Conditions:

 1. I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not make unto
    thee graven images, to bow down thyself before
    them; save and except they be of an Eagle, or a
    flag, or something similarly patriotic.
 2. Though shalt not take the name of the Lord thy
    God in vain; but he shall be held guiltless who
    taketh it to put it upon his currency, and
    likewise he who sweareth falsely by it in
    matters of National Security.
 3. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it wholly
    miserable for thyself and thy neighbors.
 4. Honor thy father and thy mother; but Medicare is
   going too far.
 5. Thou shalt not kill the innocent babe in the
    womb.  After it's born -- open season.
 6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, women especially.
 7. Thou shalt steal.
 8. Thou shalt declare for business against big labor.
 9. Thou shalt not call up thy neighbor's wife.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house; but
    thou shalt work thy buns off, or better yet
    cause others to work their buns off for thy
    sake, and thereby acquire a house as thy neighbor
    shall covet of thee.

-- NOT THE BIBLE, Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly
%%
NOT THE BIBLE, Chapter 1, Verse 23:
"And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
 and God said, It JUST goes to show Me what the private sector can
 accomplish.  With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
 BILLIONS OF YEARS."
-- Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly
%%
"When the Atomic Energy Commission initiated what was in effect a
 public trial of J. Robert Oppenheimer, and revoked his security
 clearance, [Mort] Sahl imagined a scene in which the AEC confronted
 Oppenheimer like a sheriff with a recalcitrant deputy: 'Okay, Doctor
 -- turn in your brain.'"
-- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR
%%
"Hollywood, handmaiden of national security, made a film of [Werner
 Von Braun's] life called I AIM FOR THE STARS.	Mort Sahl amended the
 title with the words: '...But Sometimes I Hit London.'"
-- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR
%%
"Satire is inherently unfair, and although it may be unfair to any
 form of authority, or any form of hypocrisy, there is no such-thing
 as an even-handed joke.  Satirizing a military cretin or corporate
 banditry doesn't make you a liberal any more than satirizing some
 self-important wishy-washy makes you a neofascist. Of course, it is
 perfectly possible for an ideology to get laughs at the expense of an
 opponent -- but this is ridicule, a potent weapon of humor, and not
 satire.  A satirist who espouses one ideology over another is saying
 in effect that he is superior -- and that makes him satirizable.  The
 satirist believes only that there is no such thing as being
 half-pregnant or half-nuked.  From the standpoint of authority,
 satire is the most inimical form of free speech there is."
-- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR
%%
"Satire, for example, is defined as intellectual judo, in which the
 writer or performer takes on the ideas and character of his target
 and then takes both to absurd lengths to destroy them.  This is the
 most mischievous of all forms of humor, the most radical use of
 irony.  (It is also the most easily misunderstood, since taking on
 the character of one's target -- a bigot, say -- can lead the
 uninitiated into thinking that you actually share the target's ideas.
 Saying the word 'nigger' in character can get bricks thrown at your
 head -- and not by bigots.) Satire is not a gentle process, and the
 more sacred the belief or person whose mantle it assumes, the more
 effective it is."
-- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR
%%
"Parody is a far gentler version of the same process [as satire], by
 which the target's style is assumed and slightly exaggerated.  The
 intention here is of paramount importance, since it is usually
 playful, mocking rather than destructive, and relying as much on
 recognition alone, as recognition and disapproval."
-- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR
%%
"Well hello there, Norbert, you dirty rotten thieving bald stupid
 mango-head!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
%%
"Safety is a relative concept, Mr. Constantine.  It needs risk to
 define it."
[HELLBLAZER]
%%
"And I hear Geraldo Rivera is shooting a TV special in San Francisco
 this week...  My *God*, haven't these people suffered enough?!"
-- Jay Leno
%%
"This is *not* Mel Torme!"
[From TOP SECRET]
%%
"Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less
 boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it."
-- Alice Walker
%%
"You know how stupid this thing is when Sam Malone becomes the voice
 of reason"
[CHEERS]
%%
"Vice-President Quayle, of course, was on the spot the very next day
 to inspect the damage; smiling, shaking hands, and reassuring people
 that it wasn't his fault."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"You know, there have been an incredible number of natural disasters
 this year, but when you put it into the Big Picture, I don't think
 it's the end of the world... because the Cubs didn't win the
 Pennant."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"Nancy Reagan's new book, MY TURN, is out this week.  It was announced
 today that former President Reagan's autobiography will be out next
 spring; it's entitled HER TURN."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"Heh... you'd have to buy a Ram van for that!"

		     "CHECK'S IN THE MAIL!!"

[The Harvey Firestein sketch on SNL]
%%
"It said, `I am the only true flag; all other flags are false ones.'"
[The Flag sketch on SNL]
%%
"Art Squad, starring Senator Jesse Helms, will not be seen tonight..."
[SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
%%
"And now: Jazz Masterpiece... or Discordant Crap?"
[ALMOST LIVE]
%%
"I just love songs about extra-terrestrial beings, don't you?"

		     "Not when they're *sung* by extra-terrestrials."

[HANNAH AND HER SISTERS]
%%
"So you're saying a man can only have a non-sexual relationship with
 an unattractive woman."

			     "No, you pretty much want
			      to nail them too."
[WHEN HARRY MET SALLY]
%%
"Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not
 from some farcical, aquatic ceremony!...  I mean, if I went 'round
 saying I was Emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a
 scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

[MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL]
%%
"Writing is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your
 talent to people who have none."
-- Jules Renard
%%
"Leave the gun.  Take the cannoli."
[THE GODFATHER]
%%
"I'm gonna tell you somethin': BONANZA is not an accurate depiction of
 the West."
[TIN MEN]
%%
"New Orleans is a marvelous environment for coincidence."
[THE BIG EASY]
%%
"Tobacco is the only drug in America that will kill you if it's taken
 as directed."
-- Dr. C. Everett Koop
%%
"Why is American beer served cold?  So you can tell it from urine."
-- David Moulton
%%
"I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats."
-- Graham Chapman
%%
"There is only one group which would ever call for the banning of 'The
 Diary of Anne Frank', and I don't care what they happen to be calling
 themselves these days."
-- Alan Moore
%%
"I'm sorry, I thought you were alone."

		     "I tried it that way.  It wasn't as much fun."

[THE CHEAP DETECTIVE]
%%
"RCA: We're not Japanese.  Are we?"
[SNL]
%%
"Now, only the lowest form of scum would burn the American flag; but
 in America, there's no law against being the lowest form of scum....
 You know, it's bad enough that there's a federal law against burning
 money; and the poorest people get around that by putting it in
 Savings & Loans.  But *one* guy burned a flag four years ago, and the
 President wants to amend the Constitution over it.  Now I know, a lot
 of people have died for the flag; but a lot of people have died for a
 lot of different flags, and I bet you some of them wish they hadn't."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"Now I'll tell you this, my friends, it wasn't the originality of our
 founding flag designers that inspired those students to stand up to
 the tanks in Tiananmen Square; no, it was the Bill of Rights: a
 masterpiece of the most brilliant minds of the Age of Enlightenment;
 a beacon of freedom to all the world.  The flag: it isn't even Betsy
 Ross' best work...."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"Now, it's easy to get a symbol mixed up with what it stands for; I
 know, because when I was a teenager I used to sleep with a PLAYBOY
 centerfold. It was a picture, but to me it was a symbol of sex.  In
 the same way, a photo opportunity at a flag factory is a symbol of
 freedom.  In other words, they're both just jerkin' off.
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"And you know, putting an image before reality is the definition of
 idolatry -- and I'm not necessarily calling the President a pagan.
 But a country that loves freedom enough to let its flag be burned for
 the sake of it is just following the example of a God who loves His
 people so much, He'd let them kill His son."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"Due to the meager earnings of the last James Bond film, THE LIVING
 DAYLIGHTS, series producer Cubby Broccoli announced this week that
 Timothy Dalton will be let go and replaced by the camel from Camel
 Filters cigarette ads."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"Hurricane Hugo doing that damage down there, going 'round and 'round,
 doing that hurricane thing down there... lotta damage...  natural
 disaster, *not* *my* *fault*..."
[Dana Carvey as George Bush on SNL]
%%
"An update on the Marcos story, as President Aquino reiterated her
 refusal to allow Marcos to be buried in Manila, an offer has come
 from the United States: the Giant's stadium in Meadowlands, New
 Jersey, says they have plenty of time in their end zone, and that
 Marcos would be in good company."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"You should be more alert!  You wouldn't last two seconds in the
 jungle."
		     "THAT'S WHY I LIVE *HERE*, YOU DOLT!"
%%
"Boy, when we're on the cover of "Popular Mechanics," I'll have some
 choice words to say about family encouragement."
%%
"Boy, she fell for *that* one."

		     "I'll say!	 I wonder if we could get any Batman
		      junk this way."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
"thirtysomething cereal.  By the makers of Teenage Mutant Ninja
 Tertles."
[Saturday Night Live commercial]
%%
"Time to go fight the savage hordes."

		     "AGAIN?  Boy... that's all we ever do: one
		      savage horde after another!"

[JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL]
%%
"Too much leeway in the marketing department."
[ALMOST LIVE, local Seattle humor program]
%%
"NEVER trust in the kindness of the human race."
[ALIEN NATION (the tv series)]
%%
"That's not God!  That's Lord Fortnum, the well-known bed-sitting
 room!"
[God only know -- someplace on the net.	 Hits my buttons, though...]
%%
1.	Cthulhu is my swimming coach; I shall not
	want. 
2.	He maketh me to lie down in comfortable
	craftmatic beds; he leadeth me beside the
	open bar; he restoreth my soul.
3.	Yea, though I skulk through the valley of
	greatly disgruntled employers, I will fear
	no evil. For thou, O Cthulhu, art with me,
	thy snorkel and flippers they comfort me.
4.	Thou preparest a stiff drink for me in the
	presence of my enemies; thou anointest my
	gills with Coppertone; my Flintstones jelly
	glass runneth over.
5.	Surely expensive European vacations, marital
	bliss, and winning Lotto tickets will follow
	me the rest of my life; and I shall dwell in
	the pressurized underwater dome of Cthulhu
	forever.
[from rec.humor.funny]
%%
"Our judgements judge us, and nothing reveals us, exposes our
 weaknesses, more ingeniously than the attitude of pronouncing upon
 our fellows."
-- Paul Valery
%%
"Science is going at a rapid pace.  Now it's only a hundred years
 behind the comics strip."
-- Joey Adams
%%
"Grief has limits, whereas apprehension has none.  For we grieve only
 for what has happened, but we fear all that possibly may happen."
-- Pliny the Younger
%%
"Humor is the affectionate communication of insight."
-- Leo Rosten
%%
"A man's mind stretched by a new idea can never go back to its
 original dimensions."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%%
"You can't take sides when you know the earth is round."
-- Patricia Sun
%%
"Many a time I have wanted to stop talking and find out what I really
 believed."
-- Walter Lippmann
%%
"If I had my life to live again, I'd make the same mistakes, only
 sooner."
-- Tallulah Bankhead
%%
"Please note, however, that thanks to the vigilant efforts of the
 National Rifle Association, you retain your constitutional right to
 shoot the flag."
-- Dave Barry
%%
 KHOMEINI HOOKED ON "HAVE GUN WILL TRAVEL"
-- Weekly World News
%%
"Kid, we're in the movie business here.  If you want to send a
 message, call Western Union."
-- Louis B. Mayer
%%
You're listening to WKDU.  No one else is, but you are.
[radio ad]
%%
This is KFJC and you are listening to our hour-long music-free
commercial sweep.
[radio ad]
%%
"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping it will eat him
 last."
-- Winston Churchill
%%
"The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents
 obey their children."
-- Duke of Windsor
%%
"Lean too much on the approval of people, and it becomes a bed of
 thorns."
-- Tehyi Hsieh
%%
"The best thing about animals is that they don't talk much."
-- Thorton Wilder
%%
"I am beginning to repel people I am trying to seduce."

			     "He must have been
			      great-looking, right?"
"Why do you say that?"
			     "Because nobody invites a
			      *bad*-looking idiot to
			      their bedroom."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us
 more attractive?"
			     "Call if you get weird."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"Couldn't they all come through the same window?"
[The SWAT team through Maddie's window in MOONLIGHTING]
%%
"You think anyone who's proud of the work we do is an ass-kisser."

		     "No... I think anyone who *puckers* up their lips,
		      and *presses* it against their boss's buttocks
		      and then *smoochs* is an ass-kisser."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"You're just absolutely right, and I'm absolutely wrong.  It must be
 NICE to always believe you know better... to always think you're the
 smartest person in the room."

			     "No, it's *awful*."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"What d'you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?"

			     "Keep it to yourself!"
[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"I like you as much as I can like anyone who thinks I'm an asshole."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"Now, is there anything I can do for you?"

			     "Well, I certainly hope
			      you die soon."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
%%
"Take this creature, for example: he does not exhibit any DNA
 structure."
			     "Look who's talkin'. Man, you sound just like
			      my ex-wife."

[Data and a gambler from STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION]
%%
"Sorry, boys, there's nothing I can do for you.  I'm all washed up; my
 super-hero days are over.  But as long as you're here... how about a
 little stud poker?"
[THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
%%
"I've heard enough of your twaddle, Ringleader; we'll settle this the
 *American* way -- with our fists!"
[THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
%%
"There are three things I've learned not to discuss with people:
 Religion, Politics, and the Great Pumpkin."
[Linus from PEANUTS]
%%
"Humphrey knows nothing about newspapers. He's a Civil Servant. I'm a
 politician, I know all about them. I have to. They can make or break
 me. I know exactly who reads them. _The Times_ is read by the people
 who run the country. The _Daily Mirror_ is read by the people who
 think they run the country.  _The Guardian_ is read by the people who
 think they ought to run the country. _The Morning Star_ is read by
 the people who think the country ought to be run by another country.
 _The Independent_ is read by the people who don't know who runs the
 country but are sure they're doing it wrong. The _Daily Mail_ is read
 by the wives of the people who run the country. The _Financial Times_
 is read by the people who own the country. The _Daily Express_ is
 read by the people who think that the country ought to be run as it
 used to be run. The _Daily Telegraph_ is read by the people who still
 think it *is* their country. And _Sun_ readers don't care who runs
 the country providing she has big tits."
-- YES, PRIME MINISTER
%%
"Supposing I gave the order to press the button, and then changed my
 mind?"
			     "That's all right, no one
			      would ever know, would
			      they?"
-- YES, PRIME MINISTER
%%
"There are no big name people here, only those of us with bigger
 mouths than others."
-- Dan'l Danehy-Oakes
%%
"When you're God, you find your little jokes go down rather well."
-- God, the Ultimate Autobiography
%%
"Trouble: Charles Manson.  *REAL* Trouble: His evil twin"
-- Mister Boffo
%%
"The University of Utah has announced that they can turn seawater into
 fuel. Exxon's already doing that in Alaska."
-- Jay Leno 4/3/89
%%
"Fundamentalists are to Christianity what paint-by-numbers is to art."
-- Robin Tyler
%%
"Why use a REAL development system when you can bang a rock against
 your head?"
[From the net...]
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "AVALANCHE (Embassy) 1978.  Roger Corman's
	ski resort is populated by corrupt
	businessmen, sensitive misunderstood wives,
	and sincere, motivated ecologists -- all
	schtuping like there's no tomorrow!"
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "SGT. PRESTON OF THE YUKON (Rhino).  A
	middle-aged man who like to dress up in
	bright red uniforms and hang out with a team
	of Husky dogs mixes it up with mean,
	grizzled trappers in vintage TV episodes."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "COCKTAIL (Touchstone).	Sexual exploits of a
	handsome mixologist furnished the Beach Boys
	with their first number one hit in 18 years."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "RUNNING ON EMPTY (Warner).  Emotional,
	disturbing picture about fugitive radicals
	trying to lead "normal" lives is important
        -- not for River Phoenix's adenoidal
	method-acting, but because it deglorifies
	the 60's and presents it as the uptight,
	violent decade it really was."
%%
"Just like I've always said; there's nothing an agnostic can't do if
 he's not sure he believes in anything or not!"
[Monty Python]
%%
"Drop the gun or I'll kill your girlfriend."

			     "Go ahead.	 I got lots of
			      girlfriends."
[THE DREAM TEAM]
%%
"But in spite of all temptations
 To belong to other nations
 He remains an Englishman!
 He rema-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ains an Englishman!"
[Gilbert and Sullivan]
%%
"Hell's not so bad, as long as you don't mind eating at Arby's."
-- Nick Bonesteel
%%
"They laughed at Fulton, they laughed at Bell, they even laughed at
 Edison. But this was genuine, heartfelt laughter... robust rolling
 waves of it, from deep down... the kind where you know they really
 mean it."
-- Joe Martin
%%
"In the meantime, one word for any atheists among you: wrong."
-- God, the Ultimate Autobiography
%%
"Take cover everyone.  Justice is about to be unleashed!"

		     "Holy crow!  Not in my store!!"

[Ad ad for GUN FURY]
%%
"Take that and that and THAT and *THAT*!  Ha!  I warned you, didn't I?
 Didn't I warn you?  I thought I warned you.  I didn't?  Oh, sorry."
[That crazy Max!  From SAM AND MAX]
%%
"We're buccaneers!  We used to have mundane office jobs, working in
 cubicles with water coolers and coffee cups with clever slogans and
 those wacky calendars with photos of diseased-looking chimps wearing
 neckties."
			     "But you've got hooks and peg legs."
"Funny about that."
[More reality concepts from SAM AND MAX]
%%
"I love crap we'll never need -- that's my *favorite* kind of crap!"
[Truth from SAM AND MAX]
%%
"ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: I blame society."
[From the forward of THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
%%
"It was a mutual parting of the ways.  We gave him the freedom to do
 what he wanted to do."
			     "What was that?"
"Drink himself to death."
[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
%%
"Yes, I produced and directed a movie.  A guy had come to me with a
 great script called ROTHRO, LIZARD OF DOOM.  I loved it, but I
 figured a lot of people would have trouble remembering the name.  I
 know I did.  So I made a few changes, and we released the film."

			     "ED SMITH, LIZARD OF DOOM."
[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
%%
"Not bad for someone Dick Cavett once called `the stupidest man on the
 face of this planet.'"
			     "Stupid?  I don't know the meaning of the
			      word."
[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
%%
"Cowboy Wally, do you deny saying Grace with your mouth full on your
 1979 Christmas episode?"

		     "Of course not!  I am merely stating that if
		      He had been there and could smell that gravy
		      and those potatoes, I think the Good Lord
		      Himself would have done the same thing."

[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
%%
"`They killed his father.  Now he's fighting back.  When the law is
 not enough, it's time to call HAMLET.'"

			     "That could work."

"Is he two-fisted?  We'll do it if he's two-fisted!"

[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
%%
"But don't you see? Don't you understand what you're doing?"

		     "Oh, yeah.	 I'm destroying Shakespeare's
		      snob appeal."
"You *fiend*."

[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
%%
"I want anything with a codpiece."

			     "What's a codpiece?"
"It makes you look bigger."
			     "Oh, like pinstripes."
[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "DETECTIVE SCHOOL DROP-OUTS (Cannon).
	Frenzied, on-target comedy about three Mafia
	cheese families' plan to dominate the world
	pizza market.  Best line: `Our cheese will
	be on every pizza on the planet except
	California.  God knows what they put on
	pizza in California!'"
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "LONG JOHN SILVER (Showcase) 1952.  Robert
	Newton reprises his TREASURE ISLAND role as
	a smelly, peg-legged old grunt who'd rather
	hang out with a bunch of sailors wearing
	scarves than with a lusty wench who wants
	his body.  Go figure."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "THE DUNWICH HORROR (Embassy) 1970.  Noted
	Dennis Hopper side-kick Dean Stockwell
	excels in this H.P. Lovecraft story of a
	Beatle-booted looney who's more interested
	in 'unleashing the old ones' then getting
	romantic with Sandra Dee.  Before Stockwell's
	recent comeback via BLUE VELVET and MARRIED
	TO THE MOB, he had been selling real estate
	in Los Angeles.	 Do you think that's where
	he learned to lip-sync Roy Orbison songs?"
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "THE PARIS EXPRESS (Showcase) 1953.  Claude
	'The Invisible Man' Raines is a dithery
	little Walter Mitty who accidentally kills
	his corrupt boss and hides out with a sexy
	dominatrix who steals his money, plies him
	with cheap booze, and calls him abusive and
	pejorative names.  Too bad Pictionary
	hadn't been invented yet!"
%%
"Whenever you have efficient government, you have a dictatorship."
-- Harry Truman
%%
"The great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease
 to love."
-- W. Somerset Maugham
%%
"I have learned to use the word `impossible' with the greatest
 caution."
-- Werner von Braun
%%
"You are not a realist unless you believe in miracles."
-- Anwar el-Sadat
%%
"Silence is the perfectest of herald of joy: I were but little happy,
 if I could say how much."
-- William Shakespeare
%%
"Three things in human life are important: The first is to be kind.
 The second is to be kind.  And the third is to be kind."
-- Henry James
%%
"There is nothing so habit-forming as money."
-- Don Marquis
%%
"Girls like her are one in a million, so I guess my chances are a
 million to one"
-- "Love at First Sight",
    Jad Fair/Half-Japanese 50 Skidillion Watts Records 
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Jan. 1st
 In college bowl action, 'Goiters whip 'Roids, 'Geeters whonk 'Nads,
 and Colorado Raging Hormones upset Utah State Fighting Lavatory
 Inspection Certificates, leaving the question of who is national
 champion once again to be settled by the official NCAA procedure of
 drunks shouting in bars.
%%
"I'm bored with music between 1955 and 1980. I'm completely bored.  I
 can't listen to a rock and roll record.  I can't do it.  I would
 rather listen to hogs screwing."
-- Sting
%%
"To the unwashed public, that woman is a star.  But to those who know
 her, she's a commodity who would sell her own bowel movement."
-- Anthony Newley re: ex-wife Joan Collins
%%
"I'm a salami writer.  I try to write good salami, but salami is
 salami."
-- Stephen King
%%
"We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be
 beating up on people."
-- Sugar Ray Leonard
%%
"I'm talented and flexible. I could play Hamlet, even though I look
 like King Kong."
-- Mr. T
%%
"I can see stopping a car for a dog. But a cat?  You squish a cat and
 go on. I think we're overcomplicating life."
-- Iowa Democratic State Senator James Gallagher
%%
"Work is the rent you pay for the room you occupy on earth."
-- Queen Elizabeth
%%
"The apes were all homosexuals, eager to wrap their paws around
 Johnny's thighs.  They were jealous of me, and I loathed them."
-- Maureen O'Sullivan
%%
"When we lose, I eat.  When we win, I eat.  I also eat when we're
 rained out."
-- Tommy Lasorda
%%
"I'd love to have my conk fixed. It's too big."
-- Princess Diana
%%
"My wife and children are liabilities, and I haven't sold them, have I?"
-- Ted Turner
%%
"When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter
%%
"I know there are nights when I have power, when I could put on
 something and walk in somewhere, and if there's a man who doesn't
 look at me, it's because he's gay."
-- Kathleen Turner
%%
"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish
 to be married, and the married wish to be dead."
-- Ann Landers
%%
"I'll do anything for him!  I love him very much!  Write that with
 very big letters!"
-- Brigitte Nielsen re: Sylvester Stallone, 1985
%%
 "My father peddles opium, 
			My mother's on the dole.
  My sister used to walk the streets
			But now she's on parole.
  My uncle plays with little girls; 
			My aunt, she raped a steer,
  But they won't even speak to me 
			'cause I'm an engineer."
-- The MIT Engineers' Drinking Song
%%
"Some of Beethoven's favorite tunes are Mendelssohn's 'Requiem',
 Handel's 'Messiah', and Bon Jovi's 'Slippery When Wet'."
-- Bill & Ted
%%
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
-- Douglas Adams
%%
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy
 something."
-- Jackie Mason
%%
"I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly.  Tuna-fish
 casserole is at least as real as corporate stock."
-- Barbara Grizzuti Harrison
%%
"The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums."
-- Peter De Vries
%%
"In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by
 others."
-- Andre Maurois
%%
"YUPPIES: <Y>es, <U>nder <P>eer <P>ressure <I>'ll <E>at <S>hit"
-- Chris Squire
%%
"Doing what's right isn't the problem.  It's knowing what's right."
-- L.B.J.
%%
"Artistic growth is, more than it is anything else, a refining of the
 sense of truthfulness.  The stupid believe that to be truthful is
 easy; only the artist, the great artist, knows how difficult it is."
-- Willa Cather
%%
"It's... Ghandi On Ice!"
			     "I'm starving for attention, proclaiming
			      my dissension..."
[From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING?]
%%
"For the last 14 years, Mr. Ed has lived in a small town in northern
 California, where he hosts a local radio show."

		     "The subject tonight is Nazi transvestites.  I'm
		      Mr. Ed; talk to me."

[From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING?]
%%
"Free James Brown!  Free James Brown!"

		     "Hey!  Why James Brown? Why aren't you concerned
		      about Nelson Mandela?"

"Hey!  We take care a' our people -- you let the Eye-talians worry
 about Nelson Mandela!"

[From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING?]
%%
"Oh, Frank, um... wear leather, OK? Love you, babe."
[Vinnie tweaks Frank in WISEGUY]
%%
"She used to be a superstar -- now she works for you. Life can be cruel."
[...and Travis tweaks Vinnie in WISEGUY]
%%
"...there's MARVEL PREMIERE which features `Wholesome HOWIE' CHAYKIN..."
-- Marvel Hype Box, circa 1976
%%
"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An
 inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered."
-- G. K. Chesterton
%%
"Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
 intelligence."
-- Henrik Tikkanen
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "MICHAEL JACKSON'S MOONWALKER (CMV).  As SCTV
	would say, `Stay tuned for THE MAKING OF
	MICHAEL JACKSON'S MOONWALKER, followed by THE
	MAKING OF THE MAKING OF MICHAEL JACKSON'S
	MOONWALKER.'"
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "SLIPPING INTO DARKNESS (Virgin).  `Thrilling
	action occurs when small-town girls seeking
	big-time excitement accidentally kill a young
	boy and must escape the vengeance of his biker
	buddies.'  You meet the nicest people on a
	Honda."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "BUCKEYE AND BLUE (Academy).  Two spoiled
	teen-agers from the New York Academy for the
	Performing Arts prance around in Civil War
	duds and say `Yup,' `Nope,' and `Ah reckon.'
	This really sucks."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "REDNECK ZOMBIES (TransWorld).  Ad states
	`Slobbering hillbillies drink some radioactive
	brewsky and become cannibal kinfolk from
	Hell!'	Personally, I would reflect long and
	hard before renting any movie that was shot in
	`entrail-vision.'"
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "THE FEAR CHAMBER (Republic).  Boris Karloff
	and his daughter discover a super-intelligent,
	subterranean rock that can only survive on the
	blood of terrified human beings.  Apparently
	the rock plans to conquer the world, though it
	spends most of its time watching bad topless
	dancing."
%%
"Looky hyar, boys!"
	 "Golden bullets!"
			 "Hoo-hah!"
				   "This man is the LONE STRANGER!"

[From the classic Kurtzman/Davis MAD parody of the Lone Ranger]
%%
"Of the 500 or so films a year from all the Hollywood sources during
 [the height of the studio system] -- and I saw many of them when they
 were released, some of them much more recently -- I estimate that
 about two percent are worth the time of a cultivated viewer today."
-- Stanley Kauffmann
%%
Excerpt from the press conference where Lyndon LaRouche supporters
revealed a plot by the KGB and Department of Justice to assassinate
LaRouche:

"What documentation do you have to prove the KGB/DOJ murder plot?"

		     "Ohhh, ho ho!  We're sure all right."

-- Alex Heard, THE NEW REPUBLIC
%%
DAN QUAYLE ON LATIN AMERICA, 2/4/89 New York Times:
	"We expect them to work towards the
	 elimination of human rights, elimination of
	 human rights in accordance with the pursuit
	 of justice."
%%
"For the love of Jesus, Mr. Chiun."

	     "Now you've done it."

		       "For Jesus?  Oh, no. We never got a
			day's work from Him."

[Everyone's favorite Sinanju assassins, Remo and Chiun, from the DESTROYER]
%%
"If you're not a player, you're not in the game."
[Vinnie Terrenova's mob motto on WISEGUY]
%%
"Emotionally vulnerable women....  They eat this sensitive crap up!"
-- Dan Fielding
%%
"Remember, these terrorists are professionals.  Highly trained and
 well equipped.  With their own set of silly religious beliefs."
[There's nothing like three dinosaurs with semi-automatic weapons for 
 cleaning up terrorism.	 From DINOSAURS FOR HIRE.]
%%
"Well done, Lads. In record time, you killed ALL of the terrorists.
 Unfortunately, you've killed all the hostages as well."

			     "Awww.  Does that mean their boring life
			      stories won't be made into a mini-series
			      for the May sweeps?"
[DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
%%
"For a cool half mil, I'd be Elvis' love slave."

		     "He wouldn't *have* you.  You talk too
		      much, you're too skinny, and you always
		      want on top."

[It had to be said.  DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
%%
"And as far as Burton directing goes..."

			     "Oh, give it a rest."

[Siskel and Ebert beat on each over the directing choice for Batman,
 in THE INCREDIBLE HULK]
%%
"In what he called the 'great tradition of warnings in presidential
 farewells,' Reagan reproached the movies, television and young
 parents for failing to indoctrinate American youth in 200-proof
 patriotism, the way they did in his day.  'If we forget what we did,'
 said the man who still can't remember trading arms for hostages, 'we
 won't know who we are.'  The section ended with this weird passage:
 'And children, if your parents haven't been teaching you what it
 means to be an American, let 'em know and nail 'em on it.  That would
 be a very American thing to do.'"
-- Hendrik Hertzberg
%%
"Somebody has to have the last word. If not, every argument could be
 opposed by another and we'd never be done with it."
-- Albert Camus
%%
"To write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what
 you mean to say, and to finish without knowing what you have
 written."
-- Jean Jaques Rousseau
%%
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at 7:30 in the
 morning feeling just plain terrible."
-- Jean Kerr
%%
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested
 and the frog dies of it."
-- E.B. White
%%
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing
 is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"Think before you speak is criticism's motto; speak before you think,
 creation's."
-- E.M. Forster
%%
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for
 what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one
 life before we can enter another."
-- Anatole France
%%
"Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?"
-- Stanislaw Lem
%%
"Reason in man is rather like God in the world."
-- St. Thomas Aquinas
%%
"Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then
 lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who,
 being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
[Classic Python from MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL]
%%
SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988:

 In a TV interview, House of Representatives Republican leader Robert
 Michel bemoaned the end of black-face minstrel shows, saying, "I used
 to love to imitate Amos 'n Andy."
%%
SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988:

 Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, whose Fox Television Network was
 presenting "The Late Show" hosted by comedian Arsenio Hall, was
 approached by Hall in the parking lot of a Los Angeles restaurant.
 Murdoch handed Hall his valet parking stub and said, "It's the green
 Jaguar."
%%
SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988:

 A spokesman for the California Board of Dental Examiners revealed the
 board's enforcement personnel carry guns because "There are some
 dentists out there who have a criminal kind of leaning."
%%
"Voom????  That parrot wouldn't voom if you put 4000 volts through
 him. It's bleedin' demised...  This parrot is no more. It has ceased
 to be.  It's expired and gone to meet his maker. It's a stiff -
 bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed him to the
 perch, it would have been pushing up the daisies.  It's off the twig.
 It's shuffled off this mortal coil. It's run down the curtain and
 joined the bleedin' choir invisible. It's f**king snuffed it!
 Vis-a-vis the metabolic processes, it's had it's lot. All statements
 to the effect that this parrot is still a going concern are
 henceforth inoperative. This is an EX-parrot."
[Classic Python: who can possibly forget the Parrot Sketch?]
%%
"This calls for... Ludicrous Speed!"
[SPACEBALLS]
%%
"All you have to do is... Spot The Looney!"
[Python]
%%
"Moderation in pursuit of justice is no virtue"
-- Oliver North

 [...so support Ollie's philosophy, and send him to the slammer...]
%%
"Intel architectures build character."

	     "Segments are for worms."
"Feh."
[Seen in another signoff line.	I like it.]
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "JUNGLE HEAT (Interglobal).  Lovable,
	obscenity-spewing Peter Fonda teams up with
	frigid, hard-working Deborah Raffin to track
	down a homicidal, gooey 'lost tribe' who
	look like midget Sons of Kong on bad
	Electric Kool-Aid."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "THE NEW ADVENTURES OF PIPPI LONGSTOCKING
	(Columbia).  For unfathomable reasons, these
	Pippi movies have a fanatical following
	among the New York punk underground.  You
	figure it out."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "PHANTASM II (MCA).  To make up for featuring
	The Tall Man (Angus Scrimm) for about ten
	minutes, this languid sequel spotlights some
	fairly graphic nudity.	Problem is you're
	never really sure if the androgynous actor
	in question is a man or a woman, and that
	takes a lot of the fun out of it."
%%
"I'm the world's first fully-functioning homicidal artist."
[The Joker in the BATMAN movie]
%%
"I wear a cape.  You take pictures. It is not a perfect world."
[Bruce Wayne philosophizes to his girlfriend in BATMAN]
%%
"Well, ladies, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good
 news is that your dates are here."

		     "What's the bad news?"
"They're dead."
[From the classic NIGHT OF THE CREEPS]
%%
"If some guy is 6-foot-5 with gigantic muscles and incredibly
 handsome, why does he need to put on a batsuit?  Why doesn't he just
 put on a ski mask and kick the crap out of people?"
-- Tim Burton, director of BATMAN
%%
"Such is the popularity of the president that the people will support
 him in whatever he will do or will not do, without appealing to their
 own reason or to anything but their feelings toward him."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
"God grant me the serenity to fix the bugs I find, and to call the
 rest features."
[Seen in a signoff line, uncredited]
%%
"What goes up must come down.  Ask any system administrator."
[Seen in a signoff line, uncredited]
%%
"Curse you, Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people."
[Monty Python's Dim! (DIM of the YARD!)]
%%
"Democracy takes time.  Dictatorship is quicker, but too many people
 get shot."
[From the excellent Channel 4 production, "A Very British Coup"]
%%
"The Americans want blood; but that of course is their style.  They
 watch too many Westerns in their formative years."
[From the excellent Channel 4 production, "A Very British Coup"]
%%
"Shush, Pokey!  At a time like this, NO job is less important than the
 next!"
		     "What about those guys who hand out towels in
		      the locker rooms?"

[GUMBY AND POKEY'S WINTER FUN SPECIAL, where Gumby and Pokey go to Heck]
%%
"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
 which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
-- Dave Barry
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Jan. 9th
 In a decision that will later prove to be a tragic mistake,
 Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis approves a prison furlough for
 U.S.  Attorney General Edwin Meese.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 3rd
 Suspected drug trafficker Manuel Noriega purchases a full-page
 advertisement for "mail-order narcotics" in My Weekly Reader.
 Observant U.S. foreign-policy experts examine this possible clue with
 magnifying glasses and secret decoder rings.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 16th
 Primary election day finally dawns in New Hampshire as thousands of
 voters go to the polls, read the names of the leading presidential
 contenders, then lie down in the snow to die.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 17th
 The Winter Olympics are marred by suspicions of possible drug abuse
 after Ular Bforgsen of Norway wins the ski jump with a leap of 14,768
 feet.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 25th
 True item: Published reports reveal that a U.S.  B-1 bomber, which
 costs $238 million and is designed to use the world's most
 sophisticated technology to be able to penetrate deep into Soviet
 airspace, crashed because it hit a pelican.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Mar. 20th
 George "The Enforcer" Bush, explaining his Anti-Crime Platform at a
 Texas campaign rally, bites the head off a duck.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Jun. 22nd
 In a cover story, Newsweek magazine reports that the Greenhouse
 Effect is getting worse and nobody can stop it and the polar ice caps
 are going to melt and we're all going to die.  Next week's cover:
 Cher.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Aug. 2nd
 In Gdansk, Poland, shipyard workers finally reach an agreement with
 the government after eight years on strike and return to work, only
 to discover amidst much hearty laughter that they no longer have the
 faintest idea how to build ships.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Sep. 4th
 In a tough and practical pre-election stride forward in the War on
 Drugs, Congress votes to dig up deceased suspected pushers and have
 them shot.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Sep. 10th
 The America's Cup competition, reflecting radical improvements in
 technology, is won decisively by the U.S.S. Vincennes when skipper
 Dennis Conner "mistakes" the New Zealand challenger for an attacking
 Iranian fighter jet.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Sep. 18th
 In Olympic action, sprinter Ben Johnson wins the 100-meter dash, the
 200-meter hurdles, the pole vault, platform diving, table tennis and
 tae kwon do.  "I felt very good today," says the Canadian athlete,
 although not in any recognizable language.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 2nd
 Generoso Pope Jr., publisher of the National Enquirer, dies. Elvis
 rushes to scene.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 31st
 Many radio stations re-broadcast Orson Welle's classic "War of the
 Worlds" on the 50th anniversary of the night when millions of
 Americans were terrified by the belief that the Earth had been
 invaded by Martian spacecraft carrying furloughed rapist Willie
 Horton.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Nov. 1st
 The publishers of Batman comics, responding to a poll of their
 readers, kill Pee-wee Herman.
%%
"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: (1)
 not going all the way; and (2) not starting."
-- Buddha
%%
"The art of being a good guest is knowing when to leave."
-- Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
%%
"I always prefer to believe the best of everybody -- it saves so much trouble."
-- Rudyard Kipling
%%
"It's Mayor McCheese."
			     "Huh??  What kind of menace is Mayor
			      McCheese?!"

"Um... Okay. He has a machine gun."

[Woody tries to add some life to a role-playing game in ZOT!]
%%
"I'll bite his leg off."
[Someone getting into a role-playing game a bit too much in ZOT!]
%%
"Nah.  You don't get it yet. See, I ain't inta gettin' burned.  HELL
 no. Am inta burnin'. Man, I burn all *kindsa* shit."
[The Ganja Fire Man, from MIRACLEMAN]
%%
"And what you didn't give away, you spent on wild parties, young
 girls, and every drug you could get your hands on."

		     "Every pill I took kept it out of some kid's
		      hands!"

[Melvis Wesley (yes, everyone uses a psuedonym these days) is back from the
 dead in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
%%
"Howard Hughes, John Wayne, Melvis Wesley."

			     "Rocket scientists all."

[A wry dinosaur in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
%%
"God BLESS America! You can't do this in Russia!"
[Melvis comments on the freedoms he enjoys in America... DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
%%
"Gadzooks!  The Bumble Snow Monster of the North strikes again!"
-- Yukon Cornellius
[You MUST know this one... from RUDOLPH, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER]
%%
"Thank you for not seating us.  I'm sorry, our children are animals!"

		    "Oh, come on now, Eleanor; in a
		     sense, we are all animals,
		     don't you think?"

				       "McDONALDS,
					McDONALDS!!"

-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
%%
"Just remember, the stars are *very* far away...  but that's good,
 because they're REALLY HOT!"
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
%%
 CORRECTION:
"In our `Pets on Parade' episode, we incorrectly identified a
 Yorkshire Terrier as a reptile. Our veterinary friends assure us that
 the Yorky is actually a yapping rug, and not an animal at all."
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
%%
 CORRECTION:
"And lastly, we made the mistake of calling the Chief Executive of the
 United States of America `a mindless baboon', when we should have
 called him `Mr. President'."

			     "For this, and for everything, we are
			      sincerely sorry."
"Very... sorry."
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
%%
 CORRECTION:
"Of course, the cards and letters just poured in when we mistakenly
 credited actor Clint Eastwood with the line `Why don't you come up
 and see me sometime?' in the movie IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE."

		     "What Eastwood actually said was, `Move and I'll
		      blow your head off,' in the film LAST YEAR AT
		      MARIENBAD."

"And it was actor Jimmy Stewart who said, `You're a frustrated old
 miser with no friends' to actress Donna Reed in the final moving
 scenes of the film, HIROSHIMA, MON AMOUR."

		     "Our apologies to the entire film industry, as
		      well as our listening audience. We are *very*
		      sorry."
"Sorry."

-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
%%
"You know, back in the war I was a spy for General Lee. One day he
 called into his tent and he says, `Secret Agent X-9, I want you to go
 behind enemy lines and blow up a blue-belly bridge.'  So, I disguised
 myself as a farmer, got myself a big bag of bombs and painted 'em all
 to look like ears of corn.  Got behind enemy lines, and there was a
 Union picket there. Bunch of guards, they said, `Halt!  Who goes
 there?'  And I said, `Just a rebel spy, come to blow up the bridge!'

"Well... soon as those words were outta my mouth, I coulda just kicked
 myself."
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio, SENSELESS CRUELTY
%%
"Eat death, orphans!"
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio, SENSELESS CRUELTY
%%
"It's no use, boys -- there's too many damn orphans!  (Why can't
 teenagers be more careful?)"
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio, SENSELESS CRUELTY
%%
"Dear Doctor Science: Back in B.C., when they counted the years
 backwards, did they count the months and days backwards, too?"

			     "Your ignorance appalls me."
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
%%
"There's something in the cornfield... an evil that has no name!
 Zadar, Cow from Hell!"
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
%%
"You think this job is easy?	 Not only do I have to wade through
 politics, life and popular culture, I have to have an opinion. You
 can go to the movies and fall asleep -- not this consumer!"
-- Ian Shoales
%%
"At Microsoft, it doesn't matter which file you're compiling, only
 which flags you #define."
-- Colin Plumb
%%
"We had a better class of bastard in the old days, that's for sure."
-- The Red Mask
%%
"Strong men tremble when they hear it.
 They've got cause enough to fear it;
 It's even blacker than they smear it!
 No one mentions -- my name."
-- Bill Sykes
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "THE GHOUL (Sinister Cinema) 1933.  Boris
	Karloff, correctly sensing that his
	indifferent relatives, his corrupt
	accountant, and his slavishly persnickety
	butler are all going to steal his estate
	blind, comes back from the grave and scares
	the whoozits out of the greedy fuckers."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "YOUNG GUNS (Vestron).  Big-budget misfire
	stars Emilio Estevez, Kiefer Sutherland, Lou
	Diamond Phillips, Charlie Sheen and two
	others as Hollywood drugstore outlaws.	If
	you made one of them a construction worker
	and another an Indian, they'd be The Village
	People!"
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "FUNNY FARM (Warners).  A lot of good things
	have gotten screwed up during the 80s.
	Chevy Chase isn't one of them -- he stopped
	being funny in 1977!"
%%
"Peace on Earth.  Wish you were here."
[Dan'l Danehy-Oakes' Christmas Card greetings...]
%%
"A bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker!"
[THE MUPPET MOVIE]
%%
"I'm too old for Santa Claus, and I don't believe in Batman."
[From JON SABLE, FREELANCE]
%%
"Anyone with an active mind lives on tentatives rather than tenets."
-- Robert Frost
%%
"Those whose hope is weak settle down for comfort or for violence;
 those whose hope is strong see and cherish all signs of new life and
 are ready at every moment to help the birth of that which is ready to
 be born."
-- Erich Fromm
%%
"To be nobody-but-myself -- in a world that is doing its best, night
 and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
 battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."
-- e. e. cummings
%%
"On the day of victory no one is tired."
-- Arab proverb
%%
"Tradition does not mean that the living are dead; it means the dead
 are living."
-- Harold Macmillan
%%
"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.  Death is
 but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one
 another still."
-- William Penn
%%
"I can't help feeling wary when I hear anything said about the masses.
 First you take their faces from 'em by calling 'em the masses and
 then you accuse 'em of not having any faces."
-- J. B. Priestley
%%
"In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments -- there are
 consequences."
-- Robert Green Ingalls
%%
"Man is not the creature of circumstances.  Circumstances are the
 creatures of men."
-- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
"The Boom Tube has emerged on Earth!"
			     "How can you be so sure?"
"Just look at the tacky furniture!"

[Those trite androids from MR. MIRACLE]
%%
"Mr. Nguyen, I'm dead, not stupid."
[A wise zombie from BILLY NGUYEN]
%%
"Mention Jerry Garcia and I'll puke on your shoes."
[A ha-ha from BILLY NGUYEN]
%%
"I think that is what is called a `self-fulfilling prophecy.' I think
 it is a brave thing, and... I think it is wonderful."
[Yeah, that's the effect DOC SAVAGE has on people...]
%%
"So we're not alone. Now I have to die -- *now*!  Just when human
 history promises to become interesting!"
[CONCRETE's Mom grumbling about dying, after finding out her son's brain is
 in an alien's body]
%%
"A man can do something for peace without having to jump into
 politics. Each man has inside him a basic decency and goodness. If he
 listens to it and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what it is
 the world needs most."
-- Pablo Casals
%%
"It is at night that faith in light is admirable."
-- Edmond Rostand
%%
"For me the cinema is not a slice of life, but a piece of cake."
-- Alfred Hitchcock
%%
"Bill Cosby, huh?"
			     "If you play your cards right..."

[David Addison, baby, from MOONLIGHTING]
%%
"What're you trying to do -- screw up our chances for syndication?"
[David, from MOONLIGHTING]
%%
"WITHOUT A RE-RUN,
 WITHOUT A RE-RUN,
 WITHOUT A RE-RUN,
 [except one or two...]"
[Surrreee... the MOONLIGHTING cast makes some promises for the new season]
%%
"Chi-ka-go! Bang Bang!"
[Czech border guards (including Joe Flaharty) with guns pointed at them,
 from STRIPES]
%%
"We're not going to Moscow -- it's Czechoslovakia!  It's like going
 into Wisconsin!"
[Bill Murray paints a rosy scenario in STRIPES]
%%
"Nah, we're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn."
	     "Yeah, would they send us someplace special?"

[Bill Murray and Harold Ramis in an Army recruiting station in STRIPES]
%%
"Oh, you look like a sensitive, intelligent guy.  Don't make me shoot you."
[The kind of cute M.P. that appears only in movies, from STRIPES]
%%
"We're Americans -- with a capital 'A'!  And do you know what that
 means?  Do you?  It means that our forefathers were kicked out of
 every decent country in the world."
[Rousing speech by Bill Murray in STRIPES]
%%
"You know, you're very pretty... for a cop!"
[Bill Murray's line to P.J. Soles in STRIPES]
%%
"Hey! You didn't read me my rights!"

	     "This is Mexico, pal. The only Miranda they've
	      heard of around here wears bananas on her
	      head."

[I dunno... I got it from Jerry Boyajian]
%%
"There's no such thing as evil.  Just excuses that heaven won't
 accept."
[Peter David]
%%
"Famous age-old rock group Pink Floyd visited the Soviet Union this
 week where their historic album [Dark Side of the Moon] has been on
 the Soviet top ten list for the last decade.  Spokesmen for the
 Soviet government welcoming the group to Moscow said, `Wow... the
 Floyd, man.'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"New York's record lottery prize of $45 million was claimed today by
 Raymond Simmons, an unemployed crack addict from Brooklyn. He said he
 planned no changes in his life-style."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying
 goes, `You gotta be in it to win it... but first, you gotta have a
 dead-end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing
 in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS (MGM/UA) 1957.
	Over-achieving gluttony, excessive sex, and
	inebriation among powerful Manhattan
	entertainment columnists.  Why don't I ever
	get invited to these parties?"
%%
Geraldo Rivera on the cover of the NATIONAL ENQUIRER, regarding his
being hit on the air: "I battled hate-mongers -- and won!"
%%
"Following the Geraldo Rivera `watch out for flying chairs' incident
 there was a deep belch of media concern about Trash Television.
 Newsweek, the Washington Post, and a few other publications ran
 anguished analyses. Television experts told us, grimly, what this
 trend says about our country. (I already knew what it said about our
 country -- `We're stupid' -- but it was fun to hear the experts say
 that in 25 words or more.)"
-- Alex Heard
%%
"I've never thought my speeches were too long; I've enjoyed them."
-- Hubert Humphrey
%%
"When the President does it, that means it's not illegal."
-- Richard Nixon
%%
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
-- Henry Kissinger
%%
"It is fun being in the same decade with you."
-- FDR to Winston Churchill, 1942
%%
"God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December."
-- Sir James Barrie
%%
"The American people were asked to choose between a candidate whose
 theme was `We're all right, Jack,' and a candidate who said, `Eat
 your broccoli.'"
-- William Schneider
%%
"Young conservatives must feel the withdrawal symptoms most. It's not
 just the loss of a father figure, either.  It's the utter banality of
 what is to come. After eight years of revolutionary activity,
 schmoozing with George Bush is going to be difficult.  Trained to
 kill, they're suddenly having to take crash courses in outreach. You
 can see them wandering aimlessly around Washington these days,
 pained, simpering grins on their faces, engaging in mild post-Reagan
 banter. `How're you doing today, Clinton?' `Oh, kinder and gentler,
 Dean, thank you.'"
-- Andrew Sullivan
%%
"In our last episode, Hoodwinkle was searching for a cure to a disease
 plaguing the world."
			     "At last, a cure for loud Hawaiian shirts!"

[From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
%%
"Well, Zoiks! Let's take off his mask and see who he is. [...] Hey,
 there's nothing under here but a neck and some tendons."
[From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
%%
"Look, it's Mister *E*!"
		     "I pity the fool who picks on my group of
		      ethnically-mixed friends."
[From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
%%
"Gosh, I feel my IQ dropping by the minute."
[From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
%%
"No job too big; no fee too big!"
-- Bill Murray, GHOSTBUSTERS
%%
"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell,
 and a hell of heaven."
-- John Milton
%%
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more
 violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to
 move in the opposite direction."
-- E. F. Schumacher
%%
"Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood."
-- T.S. Elliot
%%
Re: an article titled 'Inside The Dukakis Campaign': "Kinda like
looking up a dead horse's ass."
-- William Meyer (succinctly put, Dad)
%%
"I'd like to ram a hunk of fried goat cheese straight up his ass."
[A wonderful line from MYSTIC PIZZA]
%%
"In a calm sea every man is a pilot."
-- John Ray
%%
 BEST non sequitur FOR 1988:
"Let's cut through the demagoguery. America is #1."
-- George Bush
%%
"Everybody knows they're worth something on this world.  But we're
 never quite sure on my planet.  We're always trying to prove it to
 someone."
[Another solemn, gently ironic line from ZOT!]
%%
"There's too many people here!  Maybe we should kill some!"
[Yow!  FLAMING CARROT and Screwball on a binge!]
%%
"You took on the immortal DR. FOOM with a MEATBALL!"
[A fine-lookin' babe expresses amazement at one of FLAMING CARROT's stories]
%%
"Better watch out, Carrot, or you're going to wind up as a Saturday
 morning cartoon character, just like Mr. T!"

			     "Alright!	That did it!"

[Tension you could cut through with a wiffleball in FLAMING CARROT COMICS]
%%
"So, what's on, Doyle?"
		     "Ah, videos, unless you wanna see THE SCARLET CLAW."
"Might as well.  Holmes does that cool speech on Canada at the end."
[Jaime, Jaime, Jaime... from LOVE & ROCKETS]
%%
"If we cannot now end our differences, at least we can help make the
 world safe for diversity."
-- John F. Kennedy
%%
"Unhappiness is the hunger to get; happiness is the hunger to give."
-- William George Jordan
%%
"The fate of the country... does not depend on what kind of paper you
 drop into the ballot box once a year, but on what kind of man you
 drop from your chamber into the street every morning."
-- Henry David Thoreau
%%
"I have occasional memory lapses."
		     "Oh, I get it.  You're a politician."
[A rather odd comparison: THE HULK and politicians.  Script by Peter David.]
%%
"You've got to learn more about Motown, Miles.  Those raisins didn't
 invent that song, you know."
[From the TV series MURPHY BROWN]
%%
"I am the Supreme Being, you know.  I'm not entirely dim."
[Sir Ralph Richardson as God (he's probably at the right hand of Him,
 anyway) in TIME BANDITS]
%%
"I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass...  ...and I'm all out of
 bubble gum."
[From THEY LIVE!]
%%
"Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate Lloyd Bentson today said that
 he would now return to his old job as the Grandfather Clock on the
 Captain Kangaroo show."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"Isn't it ironic that Herman Wouk's WAR AND REMEMBRANCE cost
 $110,000,000 to produce when World War II itself cost only
 $80,000,000."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"Y'know, the movie sequel ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS was released this
 week, one of the Biblical signs that Armageddon is near."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"No love without freedom.  No freedom without love.  Simple truths.
 Worth dying for."
[A broken (or is he?) #6 speaks to the new #6 in THE PRISONER comic]
%%
IAN SHOALES Re: LOTTERIES:
"Luck gets a bureaucracy."
%%
"Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't cross the thin
 line between cute and demonic."
-- Ian Shoales
%%
"I don't like people who speak French in public places.  This includes
 the French."
-- Ian Shoales
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "E.T. (MCA).  I met him at the Video Software
	Dealers Association Convention in Las Vegas.
	Helluva sweet guy."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "SCAVENGERS (Academy).  As far as films
	featuring stuntment driving motorcycles out
	of airplanes goes, this is one of the best."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY (MGM/UA).  Michael
	J. Fox is a Manhattan yuppie who worries
	about his identity while wearing $400 suits
	and driving his new BMW.  This is about as
	gritty as Fox ever gets."
%%
"Several great men have occupied the vice presidential office --
 Thomas Jefferson and Theodore Roosevelt certainly.  But there has
 only been one great vice president.  Thomas Riley Marshall served two
 happy terms under Woodrow Wilson, content to be, as he once wrote in
 a letter to his boss, `your only vice.'  In contrast to the recent
 veeps with elaborate Secret Service retinues to convince people of
 their importance, Marshall was happy to play the homespun game.  `In
 the city of Denver, while I was vice president,' he recalled, `a big,
 husky policeman kept following me around, until I asked him what he
 was doing.  He said he was guarding my person.	I said: "Your labor is
 in vain.  Nobody was ever crazy enough to shoot at a vice president.
 If you go away and find somebody to shoot at me, I'll go down in
 history as being the first vice president who ever attracted enough
 attention even to have a crank shoot at him."'"
-- Nicholas Von Hoffman
%%
 THE 1988 CAMPAIGN "Huh?" AWARD:
"George Bush has the experience, and with me the future -- a future
 committed to our family, a future committed to the freedom."
-- Sen. Dan Quayle
%%
"Quayle hasn't had a press conference in nearly two weeks (not since
 the one in which, memorably, he had called the Holocaust `an obscene
 period in American history', and then, trying to explain that he
 meant this century's history, blurted out `I didn't live in this
 century.')..."
-- Hendrik Hertzberg
%%
"The question raised by the prospect of President Quayle is the same
 as the question raised by the prospect of President Bush and for that
 matter by the reality of President Reagan: How long can a great
 nation afford to have silly leaders?"
-- Hendrik Hertzberg
%%
"For the rest of your life you must run,
 Your day in the sun is done,
 You're a LIBERAL... Run, liberal, run!

"Big government was your creed;
 But now you're the last of a dying breed.
 So, run liberal run,
 Run run run run run run,
 Run run run RUN,
 Run run run run;
 Run run..."
-- Saturday Night Live
%%
"You know how they test condoms now? They pull 'em down over Howie
 Mandel's head."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"Those whales trapped beneath the ice in Alaska were finally freed
 this week when actress Shelly Winters dove into the icy waters, swam
 to the pair and led them to safety."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading
 lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to
 another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that
 computer has ever linked up to."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
"When you put all this into The Big Picture, you point the blame at
 New Hampshire.  They pick both candidates; every election, they get
 first choice.  I know, we trust them because they seem solid: The
 Granite State. Well, it's more like The Small Mammals By The Side Of
 The Road State.  There they are, passing themselves off as some kind
 of Norman Rockwell/American archetypes; `Live Free or Die', that's
 their motto -- it's on all their license plates.  But when you think
 that these license plates are made by people in prison... well, it
 makes you wonder what it really means. [...]

"Well, maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe it's perfectly safe to hand over the
 destiny of our nation to a pack of maple syrup-swilling squirrel
 worshipers..."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"Ignorance is not bliss -- it's oblivion."
-- Phillip Wylie
%%
"He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness
 by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in
 fruitless efforts."
-- Samuel Johnson
%%
"I started at the top and worked my way down."
-- Orson Welles
%%
"I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork.  It's useless to fight
 the forms, you've got to kill the people producing them."
-- Vladimir Kabaidze, General Director of the Ivanovo Machine
   Building Works
%%
"Three men against twenty?  Impossible.  Now, if only we had a
 wheelbarrow..."
[From THE PRINCESS BRIDE]
%%
"Don't rush a miracle man.  You rush a miracle man, you get rotten
 miracles."
[From THE PRINCESS BRIDE]
%%
"Batman didn't write any plays."
	     "Yeah, but Shakespeare didn't beat up any crooks."
[Overheard at a sci-fi convention by Jerry Boyajian]
%%
"I know human names well enough.  After all, you are who you eat."
[Ed the Shark (one of my favorite characters) from Diane Duane's DEEP
 WIZARDRY (one of my favorite books)]
%%
"You warm-bloods are all such great believers.  But there's no greater
 pragmatist than a shark."
[Damn straight.	 From DEEP WIZARDRY.]
%%
"Do you expect me to talk?"
	     "No, Mister Bond; I expect you to die."
[That famous line from GOLDFINGER]
%%
WQHS. 73 on your AM dial. Or, if you have an expensive radio, 730.
[radio ad]
%%
This has been [...] at KFJC reminding you that animals are your
friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport.
[radio ad]
%%
 WKDU: Broadcasting with TEN MILLION microwatts of POWER!
[radio ad]
%%
Selections from TOP 10 IRANIAN T-SHIRT SLOGANS:

 10. IRAQ Busters
  8. Mom and Dad blew up a bus load of tourists and all I got
     was this lousy T-shirt
  7. Death to all Americans except Motley Crue
  3. You don't have to be crazy to set yourself on fire and
     run into an enemy tank ... but it sure helps

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately
 defeat him."
-- Russell Baker
%%
"Authorities are now saying that the war on drugs will be bigger than
 World War II.

"Oh, *great*... more Time-Life books."
-- Jay Leno
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "RED SCORPION (SGE).  Hardcore action fans
	have had a rough time since Eastwood started
	direction 'serious' films and Schwarzenegger
	went into froo-froo comedies.  Enter
	muscle-bound, inarticulate Dolph Lundgred --
	you want shit-for-brains, you got 'em."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "THE LAND BEFORE TIME (MCA).  Warm, cuddly,
	softly drawn dinosaurs romp through Steven
	Spielburg's prehistoric fantasy.  Don't you
	wish we could revive Reptilicus or Varan the
	Unbelievable?  They'd kick some ass, you
	betcha!"
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "THE PHANTOM EMPIRE (Prism).  A group of
	oversexed, acquisitive losers journey
	underground in search of mineral wealth,
	only to encounter some poorly paid extras in
	gelastic, ludicrous Morlock masks, a few
	topless cavegirls, and a really pissed off
	Sybil Danning in Fred Olen Ray's marvelous
	remake of the old Gene Autry serial."
%%
"Gentlemen, I think it's time we settled this our way -- the American
 way.  With Israeli-manufactured weapons."
[American mode ala DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
%%
Selections from THE POPE'S TOP TEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT HIS US TOUR: 

 10. Often mistaken in restaurants for Lee Iacocca. 
  9. Not sure how people go the impression he came over to fight Mike Tyson.
  8. Disappointed to find out there is no real Ponderosa.
  6. 7 bucks? For a movie?
  4. Hitchhikers keep switching radio stations on Popemobile radio.

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
		   THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK:
What They Say:
	"We've noticed some failure evidence"
What They Mean:
	"Something's burning..."

[Off of rec.humor.funny]
%%
		   THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK:
What They Say:
	"So we've eliminated XXX."
What They Mean:
	"It's probably XXX, but it's bloody hard to get at."

[Off of rec.humor.funny]
%%
		   THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK:
What They Say:
	"That's interesting."
What They Mean:
	"Shit!  I've never seen anything remotely like that before."

[Off of rec.humor.funny]
%%
DAN QUAYLE on MARS:

"We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water.
 If there is water that means there is oxygen.  If oxygen, that means
 we can breathe."

["Looks like he's no Lyndon Johnson, either." -- Geoff Kleckner]
%%
Selections from TOP TEN PET PEEVES OF ELVIS' GHOST:

  7. 7-Elevens in netherworld don't carry Ring-Dings. 
  6. That pansy Casper. 
  3. A couple of movies and every nut with a vacuum cleaner
     thinks he's a "Ghostbuster." 
  1. Trying to get Ouija board to spell out "double order of ribs to go." 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN FEATURES OF THE NEW STEALTH BOMBER: 

 10. Has 2-inch ball hitch so it can pull the stealth trailer. 
  6. Easiest plane ever for pouring Pepsi upside down. 
  5. Siren sounds if monster appears on wing like in Twilight Zone. 
  4. Nose cone opens to release spring-loaded boxing glove. 
  3. Enormous speakers can be heard playing "We Will Rock You"
     across a continent.
  1. Kids fly free! 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN WAYS CARS WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF
		RALPH NADER HAD NEVER BEEN BORN: 

 10. Dashboard hibachis. 
  9. Seat belts made of piano wire. 
  7. Strobe headlights make oncoming traffic look like old time movie. 
  1. Speedometer replaced with electronic voice chanting,
    "Punch it! Punch it!" 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from THE AYATOLLAH'S TOP TEN REASONS TO LIVE (5/25/89): 

 10.	 Chance to watch Ayatollah, Jr. pitch for little league team. 
  8.	 Ed McMahon told him he might already be a winner! 
  7.	 Just got HBO. 
  4.	 Ruthless and insane successor may not be ruthless and insane enough. 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT BUSH'S
		65TH BIRTHDAY PARTY (6/13/89): 

  9. "More malt liquor, Mrs. Bush?" 
  7. "They could use more hors d'oeuvres on the far side
      of the room, Mr. Dukakis." 
  5. "Just what I wanted, another Batman T-shirt." 
  2. "This gift has a special meaning to me, Mr. Quayle,
      because you colored it yourself."

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE NEW AYATOLLAH: 

 10. Digs surfing, skiing, and long walks on the beach. 
  9. Became Ayatollah by being the 100th caller to
     Radio Teheran's Morning Zoo. 
  7. Loves "The Satanic Verses."
  5. Was the baby on the Ivory Snow box in the early 50's. 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from DAN QUAYLE'S TOP TEN NATIONAL GUARD DUTIES: 

  8. Enforce the no-horseplay rule at public pools. 
  5. Make cool explosion sounds when platoon trains with dummy grenades. 
  4. Beat local scout troops to best lakeside campsites. 
  1. The round-the-clock Blob watch. 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN ELF PICKUP LINES (12/19/88):

  8. "I was once a lawn ornament for Jon Bon Jovi." 
  6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys." 
  4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those
      dorks over at Keebler."

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP 10 WAYS DAN RATHER COULD CONCLUDE THE CBS EVENING NEWS: 

 10. Put finger in mouth, make "cork popping" sound. 
  7. Reveal which news story of the evening was the fake one. 
  6. Lick lips and say, "MMM-MMM! Time for pie!" 
  5. Give coded message to L'il Newshounds fan club. 
  2. Light big cigar and say, "Ha Ha! See you tomorrow suckers!" 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from GORBACHEV'S TOP TEN HAPPIEST MEMORIES OF AMERICA: 

 10. Stocking up on toilet paper. 
  9. Solving Wheel of Fortune puzzle before contestants. 
  8. Crashing limo into the Fotomat and claiming diplomatic immunity. 
  1. The spur-of-the-moment drive to Tijuana with Chuck Connors. 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP 10 BROADCAST BOOTH COMMENTS DURING TONIGHT'S BALL GAME:

 10. No lead is safe in this park. 
  9. These teams came to play. 
  8. He does a lot of things that don't show up in the box score. 
  5. Mighty nice of Herve to drop by the booth. 
  3. I hear Jim Rice killed a drifter the other day. 
  1. Answer to tonight's scoreboard stumper:
	"$200 was the most Babe Ruth ever paid for a hooker." 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS THE AMERICANS AND SOVIETS HAVE IN COMMON: 

  8. Think the French are weenies. 
  6. Have to search and search to find David Soul albums. 
  5. Still think Claus Von Bulow is probably guilty. 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP 10 PROMOTIONAL SLOGANS REJECTED BY NBC
		IN FAVOR OF "Come Home To NBC":

  8. Look, there's nothing we can do about Gene Shalit. 
  6. We're Beatrice. 
  5. No more Robert Blake, we promise. 
  4. The rich meaty taste dogs love. 
  2. Roger Mudd: You want him, We got him. 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from NBC EMPLOYEES TOP TEN FEARS ABOUT ROBERT C. WRIGHT:

  8. Might wear a lot of Old Spice.
  7. Will forbid feeding of Willard by tour groups.
  6. His creepy G.E. pals will drop by at all hours.
  2. Will tell endless boring anecdotes about his 6 months at cable outfit.

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selection from TOP TEN RUMOURS ABOUT LIBYA SPREAD BY
	       THE REAGAN ADMINISTRATION: 

 9.	They emptied Al Capone's vault before Geraldo Rivera got there.
 8.	Albums sold on Libyan TV NOT recorded by original artists.
 6.	Don't use real butter on their movie theater popcorn.
 1.	Their professional wrestling is fixed.

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"They may make Kryptonite peanut butter, but *I* wouldn't eat it..."
-- Peter David
%%
"Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh -- which is all the
 time, since I'm omnipresent -- I listen to all the radio stations at
 once, including WRCT."
[Radio ad]
%%
"Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine."
-- Newsweek, 31-Jul-89
%%
"Oh, there's a big difference, Mrs. DeMarco. The Mob is run by
 murdering, thieving, lying, cheating psychopaths.  We work for The
 President of the United States of America."
[The best moment from MARRIED TO THE MOB]
%%
"This stuff is thicker than country music!"
[From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
%%
Selection from TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR GETTING THE METS OUT OF LAST PLACE: 

 8. Have Mookie channel anger against parents who named him
    against opposing pitcher.
 7. Have organist play something besides "I'm A Loser."
 5. Wear spooky mirrored contact lenses to give opposing team the creeps.

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN COMPLAINTS OF NEW YORK CITY COPS: 

 10. Police band radio too much talk and not enough rock.
  9. Shoulder holster only holds three donuts.
  7. Jackie Onassis always kicks out windows in back of cruiser.
  5. Not allowed to sell Amway products on duty.
  1. Commissioner too quick to call in Batman.

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP TEN PROBLEMS OF MARINES STATIONED IN MOSCOW: 

 7. Latest Navy codes now only get you to "second base".
 6. KGB guys always change subject when we bring up 1980 "Miracle on Ice".
 5. Came over here to get *away* from Donahue.
 2. That bonehead Pyle is always annoying Sgt. Carter.

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Selections from TOP 10 LESSONS OF WOODSTOCK:

 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
  8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
  6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved."
-- Sigmund Freud
%%
"From the true antagonist, illimitable courage is transmitted to you."
-- Franz Kafka
%%
"God give me strength to face a fact though it slay me."
-- Thomas H. Huxley
%%
"I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education."
-- Wilson Mizner
%%
"I occasionally play works by contemporary composers and for two
 reasons. First, to discourage the composer from writing any more and
 secondly, to remind myself how much I appreciate Beethoven."
-- Jascha Heifetz
%%
"Be happy. It is a way of being wise."
-- Colette
%%
"Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same
 box."
-- Italian proverb
%%
"The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."
-- Blaise Pascal
%%
"Half of our mistakes in life arise from feeling where we ought to
 think, and thinking where we ought to feel."
-- John Churton Collins
%%
"Some drugs have appropriately been called `wonder drugs', inasmuch as
 one wonders what they will do next."
-- Samuel E. Stumpf
%%
"Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully
 like other people."
-- James Russell Lowell
%%
"Education never ends... It is a series of lessons with the greatest
 for the last."
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
%%
"Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine villages."
-- Turkish proverb
%%
"In making theories, always keep a window open so that you can throw
 one out if necessary."
-- Bela Schick
%%
"What we desire our children to become, we must endeavour to be before
 them."
-- Andrew Combe
%%
"I don't know, Les... what do women want?"

		     ".....Tupperware."

[Johnny Fever gains truth from Les Nesman on WKRP]
%%
TOP TEN DEMANDS OF STRIKING TELEPHONE WORKERS:

 #3: Authorization to say "Look it up yourself, you lazy sack of krud." 

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
TOP 10 CARTOON SHOWS IN IRAN:

	10. Ayatollah Turtle
	 9. Scooby Abu Nidal
	 8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace
	 7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs
	 6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel Dog
	 5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt
	 4. Carlos the Jackal
	 3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor
	 2. The Moose in the Burnoose
	 1. Really Looney Tunes

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"He sez that only comic books offer the mature environment he needs as
 a literate cartoon actor..."

	     "Notice, Opus, that EVERY woman in these things
	      looks like Dolly Parton in zero gravity!"

[BLOOM COUNTY: The Final Days]
%%
"Once we find her, I'll smuggle her into the embassy in a vegetable
 cart. From there, I'll wire her up in the undercarriage of a stretch
 limo and drive her to the airport at night.  I'll gun it through the
 security gate, toss a few smoke grenades into the customs shed, ram
 the tarmac barrier, cut Honey loose, run for the Premier's personal
 twin engine turbojet and make our escape!"

		     "Pretty slick.  But what if something goes
		      wrong?"

"No way.  I've done this kind of thing a thousand times!"

[Duke plots in DOONESBURY]
%%
"Rumors abounded."
		     "Chairman Mao's *alive*! He was seen in a
		      supermarket!"
[DOONESBURY]
%%
"This clean, wholesome television!  Ughh, it makes me sick."
-- Calvin
%%
"Speaking of experiments, do you know where I'm living now?"

		     "By the look of things, I'd say 'The Family
		      Circus'."

"Court order.  They're bussing me in."

[BLOOM COUNTY: The Final Days]
%%
"What evil bonehead dork is behind this?!"
[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"If it isn't the famous Bat-Bat!"

			     "Yes, and if isn't the famous Cow!"
"I see you've brought the
 famous Bug Wonder with
 you!"
			     "And I see you've brought
			      the famous Merv
			      Griffin!"
[High-falutin' dialogue from the Bat-Bat episode of MIGHTY MOUSE.]
%%
	   "Nay, if we talk of reason
	    Let's shut our gates and sleep.  Manhood and honor
	    Should have hare hearts, would they but fat their thoughts
	    With this cramm'd reason; reason and respect
	    Make livers pale and lustihood deject."

[Shakespeare (really stands out from the rest of this, doesn't it?)]
%%
THE MIT LAW OF SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT ENVELOPMENT:
"Every program expands until it can read mail."
[Someone on the net...]
%%
"Don't they have a rule about letting fags in the cafeteria?"

		     "Well, they seem to have an open door policy for
		      assholes."
-- HEATHERS
%%
	    "Slip in his window
	     Break his neck
	     Got no reason 
	     What the heck?
	     Cill my landlord
	     Cill my landlord"
[The famous old Eddie Murphy SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE sketch..]
%%
"In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom
 cares about."
-- Hobbes
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
"AAAH, YOU'RE A HIPPIE!"
[The Maggie and Hopey reunion, from LOVE & ROCKETS.]
%%
"You can't possibly see through my disguise, Billy!  This is a
 HYPNOTIC tie!!"
[THE TICK explains his amazing secret identity aid.]
%%
"Kissing a smoker is like licking Darren McGavin."
[Framed Tough Newsman Sampler in THE TICK.]
%%
"God, this is going to bring Wall Street to its knees."
	     "You say that as if it were a bad thing."
[From the first issue of PREDATOR.]
%%
"YOU heard him!  'E called Jean Paul Sartre a TOSSER!"

	     "That was just the lager talkin'."

[A Bojeffries Saga story in A1]
%%
"The price of liberty is eternal videotaping."
[From a Mr. X story in A1]
%%
"Won't it be exciting to see Mr. Reagan back up on the screen, B.D.?"

	     "Yeah, I guess... But it's hard to think of
	      what roles he could play.  He's a long way
	      past playing cowboys and pilots.  His image has
	      changed.	When people think of him now, they
	      think of an old guy in pajamas."

"That's it! 'STAR TREK'!"

	     "There you go."
[DOONESBURY]
%%
"Well?  Did you glimpse the afterlife?!  What's in store for all of
 us?!"
		     "Bikinis... babes... full-body massages...
		      Joe Clark with a bat... On the whole, a mixed
		      blessing."

[Theology and after-life experiences in BLOOM COUNTY.]
%%
"I wish they'd stick Oliver North in the same jail cell with `The
 Godfather of Soul', James Brown.  It has its own peculiar appeal,
 doesn't it?"
[Opus thinks like I do.	 From BLOOM COUNTY.]
%%
"Andy, I'm going to tell you something about myself.  Very few people
 know it, and frankly, I'd rather it stayed that way..."

			     "I *knew* it!  You're gay!"
"No, I make housecalls."
[From DOONESBURY.]
%%
"He said I was a rare spirit, a man who had put back in the world
 tenfold what he had been given.  He said I had truly made a
 difference!"
			     "Wake up, dear.  You're a lawyer."

[If there is anything funnier and warmer than DOONESBURY,
 I'd like to know what it is.]
%%
"It's your choice, Whyte.  You can either die like an animal. Or you
 can die like an animal."
[Another pithy remark from SKREEMER.]
%%
"Abandon All Dope, Ye Who Enter Here."
[A quick Phil Foglio gag from XXXENOPHOBIA.]
%%
"I've been working on the assumption that Jenny's Earth is an
 imperfect replica of our own."
			     "I believe that."
[That human delight in comix form: ZOT!]
%%
"But if this is some Ninja trick, I will feast on your steaming
 entrails!"
		     "Oooo.  *Nice* image. You must save on your
		      grocery bill."
[It's... Paul the Samurai!  From THE TICK.]
%%
"Persistent, aren't they?  The Nazis were persistent, too."
			     "Yeah?  And how did you beat the Nazis?"
"Well, actually, through Divine Intervention."
[A man believing himself to be Indiana Jones, riding through San Francisco on
 horseback, chased by vampires with net personality names.  From WOLVERINE.]
%%
"Oh, Flaming Carrot! Some of the Trekkies have been arguing with the
 Dr. Who people!"
[FLAMING CARROT, the hero of the day!]
%%
"It's Earth's first contact with these aliens... and all Flaming
 Carrot can come up with is to annihilate, incinerate and destroy
 them?!!"
			     "Hey... I'm no Jack Kennedy!"
[Well, who else?  FLAMING CARROT!  (Not Dan Quayle...)]
%%
"Only the image ever changes.  These vessels are fragile, translucent,
 and weak."
[Assante's final words from the Church arc in GRENDEL.]
%%
"It was that night that I decided they were fools.  And that which is
 foolish quickly becomes dangerous."
[Assante, the tortured leader and Grendel host, from GRENDEL]
%%
"You'll never stop the fever."
		     "STOP it?!	 Holy Warrior, I am its very case
		      study!"
[A vampire addresses the latest incarnation of GRENDEL]
%%
"We have a crisis of our own here.  All the knights were sent on a
 stupid miserable quest by a king who..."
			     "MERLIN!  WHERE IS MY
			      DAMNED NECROMANCER...?"
"...you are about to meet."
[Those little Arthurian quibbles, from SWAMP THING]
%%
"Inspiration.  Berkeley had it.  Found a Master, got a degree, and
 rose from the dead -- all in the same year."
[An several thousand year-old Berkeley grad & vampire -- from GRENDEL]
%%
"The getting of wisdom is never a pretty sight."
[From THE WONDER YEARS]
%%
Selections from BATMAN'S TOP 10 PEEVES:

     10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having
	 to convince everybody he's NOT a professional wrestler. 
      8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's
	 getting gas for the Batmobile. 
      7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile. 
      6. Really stupid people who shout out, "Hey!  Where's Tonto?" 
      2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a
	 piece of cardboard can summon him at night.

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Oh, my sainted aunt, have I become a victim of brain fever, the curse
 of academia?"
[The Scarecrow laments the departure of THE SANDMAN.]
%%
"A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves."
-- Bertrand de Jouvenel
%%
"You a queer?"
			     "I'm gay, yes."
"You a lefty?"
			     "Yes."
"Do you believe in justice?"
			     "I don't believe it's a natural law, like
			      gravity.	I think you have to fight for it."
"Fair enough."
[Some understanding from two very different characters in HELLBLAZER.]
%%
"When it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple... or at
 least a moderately well-managed Presbyterian youth center."
-- Emo Phillips
%%
MORTON DOWNEY JR. and GERALDO:
	One down, one to go.
[Moi]
%%
"I can come in like Ozzie, or I can come in like Harriet, but I can't
 come in like Ozzie *and* Harriet."
[From SCENES FROM THE CLASS STRUGGLE IN BEVERLY HILLS]
%%
"You meet the damnedest people in Hell"
-- Roger Zelazny
%%
"Well, a satirical piece in the Times is one thing, but bricks and
 baseball bats really gets right to the point of it."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"Philip Agee, former CIA agent turned intelligence community watchdog
 and whistle-blower, spoke in April at Reed College in Portland. He
 quoted Manuel Noriega: `I've got George Bush by the balls,' and noted
 that the quote was `one of those rare statements that contains *two*
 revelations.'"
-- Jan Steinman
%%
"The limits of my language mean the limits of my world."
-- Ludwig Wittgenstein
%%
"Love... is the extremely difficult realization that something other
 than oneself is real."
-- Iris Murdoch
%%
"The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your
 riches but to reveal to him his own."
-- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem
 as a nail."
-- Abraham Maslow
%%
"I'd rather be a woman than a man.  Women can cry, they can wear cute
 clothes, and they're first to be rescued off sinking ships."
-- Gilda Radner
%%
"Devils can be driven out of the heart by the touch of a hand on a
 hand, or a mouth on a mouth."
-- Tennessee Williams
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "DEEP COVER (Prism).  Tom Conte, Denholm
	Elliot and Donald Pleasance excel in this
	story of retribution and betrayal among the
	British upper classes.	The plot is heady
	and demanding, but there's lots of nudity,
	so dumb people won't get bored."
%%
"I don't need a warrant, you yahoo."
-- Frank McPike, O.C.B.
%%
 BEST LINES FROM STAR TREK V:
"Surprise, those aren't Dillithium crystals - they're Folgers crystals!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"I've already died once... it was liberating."
[BATMAN]
%%
"Honey, you'll never believe what happened to me today..."
[BATMAN]
%%
"And what's with that stupid grin?"
	     "Life's been good to me."
[BATMAN]
%%
"I think movies about Jesus are boring no matter who he sleeps with."
-- Teller, of Penn & Teller
%%
 IF ELVIS HAD LIVED, #17:
 "Thank you ma'am . . . I'm Batman.  Please
  accept the keys to this fine Cadillac
  limousine."
-- Lazlo Nibble
%%
"Over LAND, over SEA... We will fight for DOE-RE-MI... For we're BLACK
 AND BLUE HAWKS..."
			     "Sweet Adaline, My
			      Adaline..."

"HEY!  Who's singing the wrong song over the intercom?"

[From the BLACKHAWKS satire in the original MAD magazine.]
%%
"...'course, simple folk like us don't know much 'bout politics
 either, but 'pears to me that if the currency values in the world
 monetary fund were deflated to meet spiraling revenues, economic
 collapse could be averted for the furshlugginer fiscal year..."
-- Little Orphan Melvin
%%
"Uh-oh!  He's a-puttin' on his guns.. a-puttin' on his hat... an'
 a-puttin' on his Old Spice cologne with the he-man aroma!"
[From the HIGH NOON take-off in the original MAD Magazine]
%%
"Yeah!  We drop everything for a great ol' bloody battle!  Oh drat the
 day I started working for comic books!"
[From the G.I. JOE take-off in the original MAD Magazine]
%%
"Your son at five is your master, at ten your slave, at fifteen your
 double, and after that, your friend or your foe, depending on his
 bringing up."
-- Hasdai Ibn Shaprut
%%
"Truth has no special time of its own.  Its hour is now -- always."
-- Albert Schweitzer
%%
"If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of
 being a prophet."
-- Isaac Bashevis Singer
%%
"Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images."
-- Jean Cocteau
%%
"Trouble is like a sieve through which we sift our acquaintances.
 Those too big to pass through are our friends."
-- Arlene Francis
%%
"Welcome each rebuff that turns earth rough,
 Each sting that bids not sit nor stand but go!"
-- Robert Browning
%%
"Marriage is part of a sort of '50s revival package that's back in
 vogue along with neckties and naked ambition."
-- Calvin Trillin
%%
"We do not remember days, we remember moments."
-- Cesare Pavese
%%
"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might
 when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you
 know he will strangle you with his panic."
-- Anais Nin
%%
"Russ [Meyer] is a man who believes in 'spirited, horizontal
 togetherness.'  He tends to smile a lot.  Can you blame him?"
-- Prof. Fred Hopkins
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "MADAME SOUSTZKA (MCA).	I saw Shirley
	MacLaine at a convention, and she still has
	million dollar legs.  However, as a general
	rule, I don't attend movies about
	'flamboyant piano teachers'."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "I'M GONNA GET YOU SUCKA! (MGM).	 Keenan
	Ivory Wayan's jocular send-up of black
	exploitation films is a machine gun round of
	wonderfully crude and offensive B-movie
	in-jokes.  Gary Owens hosts a 'Pimp of the
	Year' contest and an irritated Jim Brown
	asks Isaac Hayes: `You're not gonna sing,
	are you?'"
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "SWIMWEAR ILLUSTRATED -- ON LOCATION
	(Vestron).  No.	 Trust me.  You're not this
	desperate."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "CRIME ZONE (MGM).  A cut-rate Tom Cruise and
	a pouty blonde with a Melanie Griffith
	haircut become laser-gun Bonnie-and-Clydes
	in order to escape their futuristic
	totalitarian society.  Roger Corman's
	microware version of 1984 (shot on the cheap
	in Peru) is charming, in a 99-cent Quarter
	Pounder kind of way."
%%
"Looks like Star Trek V is going stir up memories of what we used to
 watch the original Star Trek for back in the '60s . . . sight gags,
 slapstick, and wacky stunts!"
-- Lazlo Nibble
%%
"Boy, that William Shatner sure can direct, can't he?"
-- Lazlo Nibble
%%
"I know this starship like the back of my hand...<KLONK>...*THUD*"

		     "AIEEEE!!! AIEEEEEE!! THIS IS THE FACE OF
		      HELLLLLLLLL!!"
-- Lazlo Nibble
%%
"But she could not prevent other people from suffering for her
 principles. That seems to be what principles are for, somehow..."
-- Peter Death Bredon Wimsey
%%
"Gimme a Cold Filtered Big Joe Coors Dark Dry Lite Extra-Hearty Draft
 Lager With The Imported Austrailian Taste In The Barrel-Shaped
 Twist-Off Bottle and a mango, please.  Oh, and one of those
 specially-emblemed, frosted 24-ounce glasses."

		     "We're outta 'em."

"Oh. Gimme a can of Bud Lite, then."

-- Ron D. Harvey
%%
"It's hard to be the Diva..."
[From STARMITES]
%%
"I must say, Jack, death definitely suits you.  Losing your soul was a
 most aesthetic touch."
[Decko discussing 9-Jack-9's recent demise with him, in ZOT!]
%%
"Disturbing news about the afterlife: 'Bring marshmallows'"
-- Mister Boffo
%%
"Seventeen arrests, seventeen convictions.... maybe it is me."
-- Mister Boffo
%%
"Wouldn't it be nice if we could cut through all this red tape and
 just beat it out of you?"
-- IRS auditor in Mister Boffo
%%
"We're in big trouble!"
			     "Think positive, Helpermier!"
"*You're* in big trouble."
-- Mister Boffo
%%
"Oh no. Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom, has come from a planet far beyond
 our solar system to devour us.  Gaze and tremble, mortals. None can
 escape the wrath of Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom."
-- Cowboy Wally
%%
"For a dormant personality, he's got a remarkably active social life."
[Comment about THE BADGER]
%%
"Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of
 rule! Only Stupendous Man can save the day!...Aha! Just as I
 suspected! My evil arch-nemesis, Mom-Lady!"
-- Calvin and Hobbes
%%
"Kendall couldn't have looked guiltier if he'd confessed at the end of
 a Perry Mason episode."
-- Weng Chan
%%
"This country may no longer be capable of manufacturing anything more
 technologically sophisticated than breakfast cereal, but by God when
 it comes to advertising, we are still -- and I mean this sincerely --
 No. 1."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"We males cannot really know the misery of female birth control, just
 as we cannot know the pain of childbirth (a fact for which I get down
 on my knees and give thanks at every opportunity)."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"Imagine if, say, Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-Planet Klingon) got up on the
 podium, and the band broke into 'My Baby Does the Hanky Panky.'
 Wouldn't that be great?  Or, to introduce the vice presidential
 nominee, they could play 'Take This Job and Shove It.'"
-- Dave Barry
%%
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with
 bullets...."
-- Living Steel
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- April 24th
 "California is gripped by panic because of a
	video about the uncannily accurate
	prophecies of the 16-Century soothsayer
	Nostradamus, who predicted that in May of
	1988, the West Coast would be rocked by 'an
	outbreak of cretinism.'"
%%
"Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like
 the ones in movies"
-- Bill Bulko
%%
"Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise,
 and deep psychological trauma."
-- Chris Jarocha-Ernst
%%
 Knicks Asst. Coach Ralph Willard on how to stop Michael Jordon:
 "I am just going to tell them to get some kryptonite."
%%
"Live TV died in the late 1950s, electronic bulletin boards came along
 in the mid-1980s, meaning there was about a 25-year gap when it was
 difficult to put your foot in your mouth and have people all across
 the country know about it."
-- Mark Leeper
%%
"The public seems incapable of distinguishing between your garden
 variety idiot and your genuine lunatic.  It is the same confusion the
 public has had over the last five Presidents."
-- Mark Leeper
%%
"The original Star Trek crew is getting a little old.  Capt. Kirk just
 flew the Enterprise 2 million light years with the left turn signal
 on."
-- Jay Leno
%%
"This book should not be set lightly aside, but hurled, with great
 force"
-- Dorothy Parker
%%
"The best thing is to look natural, but it takes makeup to look
 natural."
-- Calvin Klein
%%
"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end
 we become disguised to ourselves."
-- La Rochefoucauld
%%
"Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times
 because they had nobody to talk about."
-- Agnes Repplier
%%
"All seems infected that th' infected spy, As all looks yellow to the
 jaundiced eye."
-- Alexander Pope
%%
"Human nature is so constructed that it gives affection most readily
 to those who seem least to demand it."
-- Bertrand Russell
%%
"Dying ought to be done in black and white. It is simply not a
 colorful activity."
-- Russell Baker
%%
"I'm not happy, I'm cheerful.  There's a difference. A happy woman has
 no cares at all. A cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to
 deal with them."
-- Beverly Sills
%%
"Suffering is not good for the soul, unless it teaches you to stop
 suffering."
-- Jane Roberts
%%
"In a cruel and evil world, being cynical can allow you to get some
 entertainment out of it."
-- Daniel Waters, screenwriter of HEATHERS
%%
"I can't believe that Henry Kissinger actually said `Power is the
 ultimate aphrodisiac.' I loved Edie's comment: `The bombing of
 Vietnam shows what it takes for him to get it up!'"
-- Jane Wagner
%%
"A sobering thought, Eileen: What if, right at this very moment I *am*
 living up to my full potential?"
-- Jane Wagner
%%
"To me, the term 'sexual freedom' meant freedom from having to have sex."
-- Jane Wagner
%%
"I think you should know I worry a lot. Like the Noble sperm bank.
 Something bothers me about the world's greatest geniuses sitting
 around reading pornography and jerking off."
-- Jane Wagner
%%
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
-- Jane Wagner
%%
"Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world."
-- Lily Tomlin
%%
"I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid
 they are or how superior I am to them."
-- Steve Martin
%%
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
 things that money can buy."
-- Steve Martin
%%
"I believe in going to church every Sunday ...  unless there's a game on."
-- Steve Martin
%%
"I believe in 8 of the 10 commandments"
-- Steve Martin
%%
"I believe in the family. Mom and Dad and Grandma and Uncle Tod who
 waves his penis."
-- Steve Martin
%%
 Delta Airlines: Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
[Late-Night with David Letterman]
%%
Selections from TOP 10 VOTING TIPS:

7.    We want someone who's going to stand up to
      Iran or Iraq or whoever has the bearded guy.
6.    As a gag, close curtain in booth and yell
      "Hey! Who used up all the hot water?"
5.    Voting is important, but nobody would blame
      you if you stayed home and watched
      "HARDBODIES" on cable again.
3.    Introduce yourself in bars as Albert Gore.
      Who'd know?
-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
      TOP TEN NEW YORK CITY PEDESTRIAN TIPS

10.   The city does not employ so called 'Wallet Inspectors'.
9.    Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
8.    Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
7.    Jon Gotti always has the right of way.
6.    Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5.    Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
4.    It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
3.    Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
2.    If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
1.    If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.

-- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
"Attention people of New York City...  Attention citizens of New York
 City... My name is Robert C.  Wright. I am the president of NBC. The
 most powerful television network in the world.  I'm not wearing
 pants. I am not wearing pants.  You people go home.  The Christmas
 tree is not up yet. Go back to Long Island.  We don't want you here."
-- David Letterman
%%
GEORGE BUSH'S TOP 10 DISAPPOINTMENTS ABOUT DAN QUAYLE

10.   Insists on calling Senators "dudes".
9.    Uses motorcade to cruise chicks.
8.    Oval Office is not the same since he put up Van Halen posters.
7.    Keeps asking for five bucks till pay day.
6.    Plays hacky sack right beside the "button".
5.    Orders pizzas.
4.    Keeps referring to Barbara as "Helen Hayes"
3.    Gets his father to call in sick for him.
2.    Invites National Guard buddies over to see non-violent movies.
1.    Mrs. Quayle

-- David Letterman
%%
"As a boy he dreamed of being a ship's captain, but gave it up when
 someone explained to him what sharks were ..."
-- Woody Allen
%%
	    "A thousand years passed since
	     Agamemnon said, `Don't open
	     The gates, who the hell needs
	     A wooden horse that size?'
-- Woody Allen
%%
"And for God's sake don't invest money in any brokerage firm in which
 one of the partners is named 'Frenchy'."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"My Lord, my Lord! What hast thou done, lately?"
-- Woody Allen
%%
"Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, `Thine is the
 Kingdom and the power and the glory.  Thou hast a good job. Don't
 blow it.'"
-- Woody Allen
%%
"The ballet opens at a carnival. There are refreshments and rides.
 Many people in gaily colored costumes dance and laugh, to the
 accompaniment of flutes and woodwinds, while the trombones play in a
 minor key to suggest that soon the refreshments will run out and
 everybody will be dead."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"What is it about death that bothers me so?  Probably the hours."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"Sure I stole. Why not? When I grew up, you had to steal to eat. Then
 you had to steal to tip."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"When I mentioned that it seemed to me that the Reverend's followers
 were being systematically turned into mindless zombies by a
 fraudulent megalomaniac, it was taken as criticism."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"I never forgot the incident and years later, when the Luftwaffe was
 bombing London, I shone a light on the critic's house."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"Never before has pornography been this rampant.  And those films are
 lit so badly!"
-- Woody Allen
%%
"Even the works of the great Shakespeare will disappear when the
 universe burns out -- not such a terrible thought, of course, when it
 comes to a play like "Titus Andronicus", but what about the others?"
-- Woody Allen
%%
"God is silent," he was fond of saying, "now if we can only get Man to
 shut up."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"Finally, yet another book on the Holocaust. This one with cutouts."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty
 uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down
 payment on a house."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.	 One
 path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
 extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose
 correctly."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"Eternal nothingness is OK, if you're dressed for it."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"Why does man kill? He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently
 there must be a beverage."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then
 go down and meet them with baseball bats."
-- Woody Allen, on the KKK
%%
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
 much sleep."
-- Woody Allen
%%
"I don't go around gratuitously shooting people and then bragging
 about it afterward in seedy space-rangers bars, like some cops I
 could mention! I go around shooting people gratuitously and then I
 agonize about it afterwards for hours to my girlfriend!"
-- Douglas Adams
%%
"In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real
 men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha
 Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri."
-- Douglas Adams
%%
"Honesty always gives you the benefit of surprise in the House of
 Commons."
-- Yes, Prime Minister
%%
"Doesn't the futility of it all depress you, Bernard?"

     "Not really, Minister. I'm a civil servant."

-- Yes, Prime Minister
%%
"Very well. If you walked into a nuclear-missile showroom you would
 buy Trident! It's lovely, it's elegant, it's beautiful! It is quite
 simply the best, and Britain should have the best. In the world of
 the nuclear missile it is the Saville Row suit. The Rolls Royce
 Corniche. The Chateau Lafitte 1945. It is the nuclear missile
 Harrod's would sell. What more can I say?"

		     "Only that it costs 15 billion pounds and we
		      don't need it."

"Well, you can say that about anything at Harrod's!"

-- Yes, Prime Minister
%%
"Humphrey, who is it that has the last word about the government of
 Britain? The British cabinet or the American president?"

		     "You know, that's a fascinating question. We
		      often discuss it."

-- Yes, Prime Minister
%%
"Well, he's very keen on it."

	     "What's that got to do with it?! Things don't
	      happen just because Prime Ministers are very
	      keen on them! Neville Chamberlain was very
	      keen on peace!"

-- Yes, Prime Minister
%%
"Bernard, this doesn't say anything."

	     "Oh, thank you, Prime Minister."

-- Yes, Prime Minister
%%
"I want to have a clear conscience."

		     "A clear conscience!"
"Yes."
		     "When did you acquire this taste for luxuries?"
-- Yes, Prime Minister
%%
"Yes, we will want simultaneous translators ... No, not when the P.M.
 meets the leaders of the English-speaking nations ... Yes, the
 English-speaking nations can be said to include the United States."
-- Yes, Prime Minister
%%
"Responsibility without power -- the prerogative of the eunuch
 throughout the ages."
-- Yes, Prime Minister
%%
"He can't ignore facts."
		     "If he can't ignore facts, he's got no
		      business being a politician."
-- Yes, Minister
%%
"It's not my job to care.  That's what politicians are for. It's my
 job to carry out government policy."

		     "Even if you think it's wrong?"

"Almost all government policy is wrong, but frightfully well carried
 out."
-- Yes, Minister
%%
"I am going to do something about the number of women in the Civil
 Service."
		     "Surely there aren't all that many?"
-- Yes, Minister
%%
"You're paid to advise me.  Advise me!"

	     "All in all, this is not unlike trying to advise
	      the Captain of the Titanic after he has
	      struck the iceberg."

"Come on, there must be something we can do."

	     "We could sing, 'Abide with Me'."

-- Yes, Minister
%%
"I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a
 weasel."
-- Blackadder III
%%
"They're worked up, sir, because they're so poor they are forced to
 have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at
 Christmas.  Disease and deprivation stalk our land like two giant
 stalking things."
-- Blackadder III
%%
"They do say, Mrs. M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical
 pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I
 stick this toasting fork in your head."
-- Blackadder III
%%
"She is famous for having the worst personality in Germany. And as you
 can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition."
-- Blackadder III
%%
"I found the Loch Ness monster and discovered the reason it so seldom
 emerges is that it has cable."
-- Steven Wright
%%
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in
 the same room and let them fight it out."
-- Steven Wright
%%
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
 firearms with me.  I said, 'Well, what do you need?'"
-- Steven Wright
%%
"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
 his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman
 Rockwell beating up a child."
-- Steven Wright
%%
"I went to a place to eat that said 'breakfast anytime.'  So I ordered
 French toast during the renaissance."
-- Steven Wright
%%
"Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert --
 she yells a lot and throws Frisbees around the room. When she wants
 more, she lights a match."
-- Steven Wright
%%
"I dislike beings who claim to be omniscient but have to be told how
 to go to the bathroom."
[WHAT TH'?!!! #1]
%%
 Dan Quayle, addressing a council of the United Negro College Fund:

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have a mind is
 being very wasteful. How true that is."
%%
New slogan for Exxon:
"Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident."
-- David Letterman
%%
"Croquet: So much fun it takes eight people to have it!!"
-- Pooh
%%
TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE PANAMANIAN ELECTIONS:

10.  "Sorry I'm late.  I was stuck in the drug traffic."
 9.  "A puppet government?  The kids should enjoy that."
 8.  "We better just forget about our extensive plans to fix
      the election boys -- Jimmy Carter is here!"
 7.  "Porque' Rob Lowe canto en el Oscars?"
 6.  "How the hell did Jesse Jackson get on the ballot?"
 5.  "With 210% of the vote in, we are ready to project a winner."
 4.  "The guy who played Ringo looked just like him."
      (Sorry, that was heard at the Beatlemania
       concert, not the Panamanian election.)
 3.  "Sorry for the confusion Miss Collins, but we're having
      really big ELECTIONS down here."
 2.  "Congratulations!	You chose Pepsi."
 1.  "A man, a plan, a rigged election -- Panama!"

-- David Letterman
%%
"But there's nothing like Death off duty to cushion a fall."
-- The Storyteller
%%
"Don't worry... I said *if* there was any justice.  I doubt that there is."
[Frank McPike on WISEGUY]
%%
"A copyright infringement suit is a way create confusion in a
 marketplace until your enginering staff can get's its act together."
-- Guy Kawasaki, _The Macintosh Way_
%%
"Extraordinary how potent cheap music is."
-- Noel Coward, "Private Lives"
%%
"Well, I don't think they're Presbyterians."
[THE MUPPET MOVIE]
%%
"...for criminal conspiracy, copyright infringements, fraud, tax
 evasion, and a generally annoying attitude."
[Frank on WISEGUY]
%%
"Heh heh heh... you're a funny little man, aren't you?"

	     "Heh heh heh... not as long as I have your yams
	      in my pocket, I'm not."

[McPike and Twine, at it again, on WISEGUY]
%%
"Irony is the stem of the rose."
[Who but Tim Curry could say this?  WISEGUY]
%%
"I'm not a sycophant, Winston; I am a Sicillian; and we view alliances
 with a fatalistic eye."
[Vinnie tells of Newquay in WISEGUY]
%%
"It's a basic tenet of democracy -- innocent until proven guilty. Not
 that we should let that stand in the way of a good time."
[Frank McPike in WISEGUY]
%%
"They're not booing. They're just chanting `Dave! Dave!'"
-- David Letterman
%%
"Remember, peasants, it's not a disgrace to be poor, only to dress
 like it!"
[ZORRO, THE GAY BLADE]
%%
"I was picked up by a ship of pirates where they did unspeakable
 things to me."
			     "That must have been awful."
"Well, not really."

[TOP SECRET]
%%
"But these amps go to 11."
[THIS IS SPINAL TAP]
%%
"There are 2 basic truths, never fight a land war in Asia and never go
 against a Sicilian if death is on the line."
[THE PRINCESS BRIDE]
%%
"Mighty Mouse versus Superman?  That's a tough one."
-- STAND BY ME
%%
"But in accordance with our traditional principles of free enterprise
 and healthy competition, I'm going to ask the two of you to fight to
 the death for it."
[MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS]
%%
"Great, the blood-sucking Brady Bunch."
[THE LOST BOYS]
%%
"Let's kick his ass."
		     "No, we're seniors now."
[HEATHERS]
%%
"Betty, if you were happy all the time, you wouldn't be a human being.
 You'd be a game show host."
[HEATHERS]
%%
"Flash: President Eisenhower really cartoon character Elmer Fudd."
[Robin Williams in GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM]
%%
"I make it a rule never to mess around with possessed women. Well,
 actually it's a guideline."
[GHOSTBUSTERS]
%%
"Next time someone asks you if you're a god, SAY YES!!"
[GHOSTBUSTERS]
%%
"All this for money?  You're just a common thief."

		     "I am an *exceptional* thief."
[DIE HARD]
%%
"What in th' wide, Wide World of Sports is goin' on here?"
-- Slim Pickens, BLAZING SADDLES
%%
"But, Batman, why didn't you just throw the bomb into the bar with
 those filthy drunks?"
			     "They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're human
			      beings, too."

[The 196* version of BATMAN THE MOVIE]
%%
"It's on me. Shakespeare for everybody!"
-- Rodney Dangerfield, BACK TO SCHOOL
%%
"My advice to you is that you start drinking heavily."
[Bluto in ANIMAL HOUSE]
%%
"If not us, who.  If not now, when."
-- Ronald Reagan in ALIEN NATION
%%
"Get that finger out of your ear!  You don't know where that finger's been!"
-- Capt. Rex Cramer
[AIRPLANE]
%%
"You've come to Nottingham once too often."

	     "When this is over my friend, there'll be no
	      need for me to come again."

[THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD]
%%
"Cogito ergo esse.  I think therefore you is."
-- The King of the Moon
%%
"This is precisely the sort of thing that no one ever believes."
-- Baron Munchausen
%%
"Heh heh, yeah.  I remember *my* first beer."
-- Steve Martin
%%
"Detroit Free Press" fashion columnist on BATMAN:

   "He avenges the innocent, upholds justice, and makes a unique fashion
    statement."
%%
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling
 something."
-- THE PRINCESS BRIDE
%%
"Is this heaven?"
		     "No... it's Iowa."
[From FIELD OF DREAMS]
%%
"Anxiety and conscience are a powerful pair of dynamos.  Between them,
 they have ensured that one shall work hard, but they cannot ensure
 that one will work at anything worthwhile."
-- Arnold Toynbee
%%
"It is overdoing the thing to die of love."
-- French proverb
%%
"You must accept the truth from whatever source it comes."
-- Maimonides
%%
"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers.
 My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.  There's many a
 bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."
-- Flannery O'Connor
%%
"The longest distance is between head and heart."
-- Thomas Merton
%%
"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty."
-- Sacha Guitry
%%
"We grow tyrannical fighting tyranny."
-- E.B. White
%%
"Quiet, Ringo, Elvis is talking."
[From a sketch on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
%%
"The first time I saw the infamous `Morton Downey Junior' show I was
 innocently flipping through the channels and came across this man
 looming over a woman in a chair, point a cigarette in her face, and
 screaming, `You're a WHORE!  You're a PROSTITUTE!'  Wondering what
 this poor woman had done to unleash such metaphorical fury, I kept
 watching and it turned out she really was a prostitute. That was the
 whole story.  They'd found a prostitute to put on TV in order to
 denounce her as a prostitute.  Something to tell the grandchildren."
-- TRB in THE NEW REPUBLIC
%%
"You kids shouldn't see this, though -- your parents would think it's
 too adult for you. So I'll leave this copy here with you when I split
 to go start a war or something, okay?"

			     "Yer a pal, Mr. Post."

[Ron Post, mass murder and guitar player, talks about censorship,
 in one of Matt Howarth's many independently-financed comix]
%%
"Filthy bag of Lovecraftian poison -- nobody fucks with Monsieur
 Boche!"
[Monsieur Boche, a Hunter S. Thompson clone with brains, balls and the
 ability to traverse dimensions, in a Matt Howarth comic]
%%
"The discovery of God in a hole in the polar ice cap by a pair of punk
 rockers does not disturb your governments' conscience in the least."
[Another wonderful Howarth line]
%%
"I submit for your approval: Monsieur Boche -- A man with a
 reputation."
[From Matt Howarth's WRAB: PIRATE TELEVISION, which you should buy immediately]
%%
WRAB Programming:

"THE CHURCH OF GODZILLA (1/2 hr -- religion) Instruction in the eager
 belief of getting one's way all the time. John Madden as Godzilla.
 (Emph: narrow-mindedness)."

[From Matt Howarth's WRAB: PIRATE TELEVISION, which you should buy immediately]
%%
WRAB Programming:

"KEY GRIP (1 hr -- Drama) Part three of Patrick McGoohan's `John
 Drake' Trilogy. Series security prohibits any information release
 prior to broadcast.  (Emph: the struggle for individualism)."

[From Matt Howarth's WRAB: PIRATE TELEVISION, which you should buy immediately]
%%
"Nobody likes a smart ass vampire."

	     "Pity there's never enough blood in a midget."

[Bon mots from Dracula, in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
%%
"`If you want to touch something *basic* in your audience,' says the
 full-page ad in the 1988 edition of the DIRECTORY OF EXPERTS,
 AUTHORITIES AND SPOKESPERSONS (also known as the `Talk Show Guest
 Directory'), `...move them to *action*: phone, write, praise, damn,
 cheer, etc..... Then you need to present -- REAL LIVE COMMUNISTS ON
 YOUR SHOW!'"
-- TRB in THE NEW REPUBLIC
%%
"`Never turn down a chance to have sex or go on television,' Gore
 Vidal is supposed to have said.  At the rate things are going, people
 will soon be advertising to do both at the same time."
-- TRB in THE NEW REPUBLIC
%%
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
 that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
%%
"I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
 Great song."
-- Fred Reuss
%%
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
 `You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied
 in a psychotic tone, `I didn't know there were any witnesses.  Now
 I'll have to kill you too.'"
-- Jake Johansen
%%
"I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them
 above globes.  They freak out and yell `Whooa, I'm way too high.'"
-- Bruce Baum
%%
"How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?!  What's the deal on those
 anyway? You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow
 truck."
-- Steve Kravitz
%%
"This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one.  My mom says I don't
 have to sit at the card table."
-- Jim Samuels
%%
"Remember folks.  Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph."
-- Jim Samuels
%%
"In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings.
 They came out with 'Happy To Be Alive Meals.'"
-- Al Clethen
%%
"If I'm typecast as a genius, who cares?"
-- Jeremy Brett, on playing Sherlock Holmes
%%
"I'd get out of here now if I were you.  It's not safe here."

	     "Trust me - it's not safe out there either."

"Oh hell, I forgot that."

[From the TV series WAR OF THE WORLDS]
%%
"Are you SURE that Moriarty isn't planning to kill me?"

	     "Of course not... he *knows* you're an idiot."

"Thank God!"

["Holmes" and Watson discuss Yours Truly in WITHOUT A CLUE]
%%
"I do not take drugs. I am drugs."
-- Salvador Dali
%%
 From DOUBLE DARE:

"What is the name of the hero Billy Batson transforms into when he
 says his magic word, 'Shazam'?"

	     "Gomer Pyle."
%%
"Imitation is the sincerest form of Television."
-- Mighty Mouse
%%
"I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor
 should they be considered patriots.  This is one nation under God."
-- George Bush, 1988
%%
"Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy."
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
"Show me a hero and I will write you a travesty."
-- John Byrne [well, he *should* have]
"Show me a hero and I'll eat it."
-- Peter David
%%
"Dear Emily --- BINGO!!"
[From STRAY TOASTERS]
%%
"Guess what I'm in for."
			     "Uhh..."
"Wait!  I'll give you a hint..."

[From HEARTBREAK COMICS]
%%
"Justice and solidarity feel good.  In the end."
[A comment on the price of liberty.  From AARGH!]
%%
"I happen to be a baseball fan; I root against both teams."
-- Studs Terkel
%%
"If people behaved in the way nations do they would all be put in
 straitjackets."
-- Tennessee Williams
%%
"The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will
 not laugh is a fool."
-- George Santayana
%%
"Don't fight forces; use them."
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%%
"Could ye use a little water in your whiskey?"

	     "When ay drink whiskey, ay drink whiskey, an'
	      when ay drink water, ay drink water."

[Maureen O'Sullivan and Barry Fitzgerald in THE QUIET MAN, begorra.]
%%
[A photo is displayed of Senator Dan Quayle holding a pumpkin to
 the left of his head.]

 "Here's an Update Quiz: what's the difference between these two
 spherical objects?  The answer is: eventually, the one on the left
 will have a light in it."

-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "PROMISED LAND (Vestron).  Kiefer Sutherland,
	Meg Ryan, and Tracy Pollan. And they all
	look alike.  And they're all made of
	ticky-tacky."
%%
 MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
 "STARRING TOM AND JERRY! (MGM/UA).  The
	cartoon adventures of a hyper-active cat and
	an anally retentive mouse.  For some reason,
	Simon and Garfunkle originally recorded
	under this name!"
%%
"Ladies and gentlemen, the question you have to ask yourselves on
 November 8th is whose judgement do you trust? Do you trust the
 judgement of a man who traded arms to the Ayatollah and used that
 money to fund an illegal war in Central America, or do you trust a
 son of Greek immigrants, who can think and talk in complete
 sentences?"
[From the Bush-Dukakis debate satire on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
%%
"You know, I'm beginning to think that the Right To Life movement in
 this country believes that life officially begins when you agree with
 *them*."
-- Dennis Miller
%%
"The NBC Today Show and Olympic host Bryan Gumbel's ego applied for
 statehood today.  If granted, it would become our 51st state, and 9th
 largest."
-- Dennis Miller
%%
"And the fifth-highest grossing film in America this week is YOUNG
 GUNS, the new film where everybody in it is Martin Sheen's son, but
 nobody has the same last name."
-- Dennis Miller
%%
"Gov. Dukakis, rebuttal?"

     "I can't believe I'm losing to this guy."

[From the Bush-Dukakis debate satire on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
%%
NATIONAL ENQUIRER headline:
"Reagan sees UFO and orders his pilot: Follow it!"
%%
"None of this is bad for America, is it?"
[COCOON]
%%
"Sorry, I don't perform except at dinner."
-- Stephen Sondheim, MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG
%%
"I like trees because they seem more resigned to the way they have to
 live than other things do."
-- Willa Cather
%%
"All human wisdom is summed up in two words -- wait and hope."
-- Alexandre Dumas the Elder
%%
"No human being can really understand another, and no one can arrange
 another's happiness."
-- Graham Greene
%%
"Bowling?"
		     "You know. Thats where a big black thing knocks
		      down a lot of little white things."

"That sounds like the A-Team to me."

[Keith "Badger" Vallenti found this on a channel flip, from Don Adam's CHECK
 IT OUT]
%%
"George Bush, you have just been elected president of the United
 States. What are you going to do now?"

		     "I'm going to go to Disneyland!"

[A parody of the Disneyland ads, off of rec.arts.tv]
%%
"A brave man dies only once, while a coward dies only once also.  It's
 just that the brave man gets it over with more quickly."
-- C. E. Whitfield
%%
"I recall my exact words: `There's a pile of dinosaur eggs over there,
 youngster,' I said, smiling paternally the while.  `Get sucking.'"
[Alan Moore, V FOR VENDETTA]
%%
"That's what this country needs -- just a little more light cast in
 the right places."
[From OUTLANDER]
%%
"Just what the country needs -- more insurgent teams."
[From OUTLANDER]
%%
"I shall rend you LIMB from LIMB!"

	     "Hey -- could someone give me a hand here? I'm
	      about to be rended..."

[The usual JLI nonsense]
%%
"You're zooming up like a comet,
 Your ears are starting to ring;
 Your neighbor's starting to vomit,
 There's ice along the wing.
	    As you wait for your palms to dry,
	    You see your whole life flash by,
	    And they tell you it's fun to fly!
 Your chance to survive is so remote
 You're far better off to cut your throat,
 But who has the time to take the boat?
	What do we do?	We fly!
-- Stephen Sondheim, DO I HEAR A WALTZ?
%%
"The shiny stuff is tomatoes,
 The salad lies in a group;
 The curly stuff is potatoes,
 The stuff that moves is soup.
	    Anything that is white is sweet,
	    Anything that is brown is meat,
	    Anything that is grey... don't eat.
 But what do we do?	We fly!"
-- Stephen Sondheim, DO I HEAR A WALTZ?
%%
"The seat was throwing my back out,
 But there I was with a book;
 When suddenly there's a black-out
 And everywhere I look
	    There's a close-up of DORIS DAY!
	    Ninety minutes of DORIS DAY!
	    There was nothing to do but pray...
 And what do we do?	We fly!"
-- Stephen Sondheim, DO I HEAR A WALTZ?
%%
"What's hard is simple,
 What's natural, comes hard.

 Maybe you could show me,
 How to let go,
	Lower my guard,
	    Learn to be....free.

 Maybe if you whistle...
 Whistle for me."
-- Stephen Sondheim, ANYONE CAN WHISTLE
%%
"It's not so hard to be married,
 When two maneuver as one;
 It's not so hard to be married,
 And, Jesus Christ, is it fun."
-- Stephen Sondheim, COMPANY
%%
"Best trust the happy moments... The days that make us happy make us
 wise."
-- John Masefield
%%
"The great man is he who does not lose his child's heart."
-- Mencius
%%
"When our first parents were driven out of Paradise, Adam is believed
 to have remarked to Eve: `My dear, we live in an age of transition.'"
-- Dean William R. Inge
%%
Bankers' Hours:  That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf. 
[Fortunes program]
%%
"I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway."
[Groucho Marx?]
%%
"They used Raoul Mitgong, but he didn't help much..."
--Harlan Ellison
%%
"Only the toes knows."
-- Mel Profitt
%%
 Regarding Robin, the Boy Wonder:

 "I mean the kid lives with a millionaire, apparently only goes to
  school on alternate Wednesdays, gets to stay up all night, and beats
  up adults regularly. Who could ask for more?"

-- Fred Bals
%%
"Now, for use with your child's 'My Little Pony' playset, the 'My
 Little Pet Food Processing Plant!' -- from Real World Toys, caring
 about your child's future."
[Saw this on the net, and I'm not sure who originated it]
%%
"This is a revolution, damn it!  We're going to have to offend SOMEbody!"
-- John Adams, 1776
%%
"[He's] dead.  Murdered!  And someone's responsible!"
[PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE]
%%
"I have the heart of a little boy.  I keep it in a jar on my desk."
--Robert Bloch
%%
"Take this cross and garlic -- here's a Mezuza in case he's Jewish --
 a page of the Koran if he's Muslim... and if he's a Zen Buddhist,
 you're on your own."
[Im-ple-ments of destruction for undead (vampires, that is) in BADGER]
%%
"He's a bloodsucker, all right, but not the kind we're looking
 for. This man is an I.R.S. agent."
[The Badger, Ham and a Van Helsing pig stalk vampires in BADGER]
%%
"...and Doc Holliday ends up in the front row of a Led Zeppelin
 concert..."
		     "So THIS is Hell."
[From HONKEYTONK SUE]
%%
"Gud, marry me, or I'll kick yer ass."
-- Honkeytonk Sue
%%
"I hereby sentence you to live in Blythe, California in a house with
 an airpad cooler, until you are dead, or wish you were."
[From HONKEYTONK SUE]
%%
"It was all very impressive, but the State of Arizona built an
 air-tight case..."
		     "This woman does not own ONE Willie Nelson
		      tape... OR album.	 NOT ONE!"
[From HONKEYTONK SUE]
%%
"Bondage... what's bondage?"

	    "He's from Flagstaff."
				    "Oh."

[Bruce Babbit poses a question in HONKEYTONK SUE]
%%
"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question
 mark on the things you have long taken for granted."
-- Bertrand Russell
%%
"The bigger the information media, the less courage and freedom they
 allow.  Bigness means weakness."
-- Eric Sevareid
%%
"It has always been true that in the United States the people who
 ought to read books write them."
-- Gore Vidal

 [Editor's note: Now if Vidal would only take his own advice...]
%%
"Sure, you're right, it's easy to find flaws.  `Sure,' America says to
 the critic, `it's easy to tear down, but you can't build up, can you?
 The suffering and labor of the artist mean nothing to you, do they
 Mr. Ian Shoales?  You don't believe in anything,' America screams,
 `except the sound of your own voice!' Well, calm down, America.
 Lighten up. Unclench those hardworking fists."
-- Ian Shoales
%%
"I admit it freely -- I'm not a positive thinker.  On STAR TREK, the
 beautiful alien with the green hair and the taut belly would always
 say to Captain Kirk, `Oh one called Jim, what is this thing you call
 a kiss?'  If that alien were here today (and in my Perfect World,
 believe me, she would be), she would gaze at me lovingly and say, `Oh
 one called Ian, what is this thing you call a sneer?'  That's the
 kind of guy I am.  Captain Kirk and I both want the same thing: the
 whole-hearted devotion of a naive alien.  And if certain things stand
 in our way -- Klingons for Kirk, reality for me -- well, we just have
 to suck in our guts, set the phasers on Stun, and hope for the best."
-- Merle Kessler, IAN SHOALES' PERFECT WORLD
%%
"And cruelest of all, I've learned that the bucks in this criticism
 thing just aren't what they should be. I figure if I'm not gonna make
 any jack in my chosen profession, the least I can do is vent my
 spleen. My motto is VENT FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T."
-- Ian Shoales
%%
"As the roadies say before the concert, `Let's carve this turkey.'"
-- Ian Shoales
%%
"I am an idealist.  I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."
-- Carl Sandburg
%%
"There is nothing stronger in this world than gentleness."
-- Han Suyin
%%
"I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
 _Bambi_, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again
 in the box office.  I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late
 afternoon relief from the Washington Summer.  Instead I was
 traumatized.  As a psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early
 adolescence, it couldn't be more effective. For the first half-hour,
 you're lulled into an agreeable sense of security and comfort.  Birds
 twitter; small rabbits turn out to be great conversationalists. Pop
 is what Senator Moynihan would describe as an absent father, but
 Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd thunderstorm.  You make
 great friends, fool around on the ice, discover the meadow, generally
 mellow out.	Then, without any particular warning, your mom gets
 shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on your head,
 and your peers start heading off into the clover with the apparent
 intention of having sex.  Next thing you know, the forest burns down.
 If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer _Rambo III_."
-- Townsend Davis
%%
"You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family.
 Families aren't dying.  They're merging into big conglomerates."
-- Erma Bombeck
%%
"Great perils have this beauty, that they bring to light the
 fraternity of strangers."
-- Victor Hugo
%%
"A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not
 only to be right but also to be wrong."
-- Thomas Szasz
%%
"You McPike?"
		     "Most of my life.	In 3rd grade I was Batman, but
		      that seems to have passed."

[One of Frank McPike's best droll comments, from WISEGUY]
%%
"Roger Rabbit's wife!  My goodness! Such...  AMPLE... drawing!"
[Jarvis, the butler for the Mighty AVENGERS, comments on a popular movie]
%%
"Lord Hermes, is it true you can conjure up *anything*?"

		     "Yes."

"Awesome!  Do y'know what a video entertainment center is?"

[Yes, having an Olympian God around the house is handy.	 WONDER WOMAN]
%%
"B-r-r-other!  What good is having a god around if you can't get any
 FUN out of it?"
[From George Perez's WONDER WOMAN]
%%
"The sound of harps... of organs... of cascading violins."

	     "What about Def Lepard? They got Def Lepard?"

[Heaven described to a generation of vidiots.  From THE SHADOW]
%%
"It suddenly occurs to me, Hong, that if THESE are American tourists,
 I would certainly hate to engage their military..."
[OK, when was the last time YOU invaded China?	From THE SHADOW]
%%
"You do not know?!  Have you never heard the tales of the man from the
 East -- A frightful creature of the night -- with the POWER to cloud
 the minds of men... and the FURY to obliterate Evil with a single
 sweep of his terrible hand?!"

	"Frankly, Hong... no." 

		     "Nor I."  

			     "Perhaps if you were more specific..."

[Brilliant hyperbole from THE SHADOW]
%%
"That's the trouble with `mindless slaves'...  they're, well, *mindless*!"
[Dr. Quest points out those little problems with world domination. JONNY QUEST]
%%
"Seems like, lately, everybody with four guys and a proton accelerator
 thinks they can rule the world.  No offense."
[A lucid point from Race Bannon in JONNY QUEST]
%%
"No more ice cream ever, ever, ever again."
[Hallucinations and chocolate chip -- or is it real?  THE MYSTERY MAN]
%%
"[The Republicans'] platform was 30,000 words long, 3,000 of which was
 the word 'God'."
[Mark Russell]
%%
[Sung to the tune of The Flintstones Theme]

"Team-sters, we're the Team-sters,
 We're just one happy family!
 Gambino and Celerno...
 Make that two happy families!

 'Nolo contendre', that's our Teamsters song!
 Cops and Robbers -- we play it all day long!

 Teamsters, love the Teamsters!
 Support us if you please,
 Or else we'll break your knees,
 Have you hugged a Teamster today?"
-- Mark Russell
%%
"The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them
 before you, to rob them of their wealth and to see those dear to them
 bathed in tears, to ride their horses and to clasp to your bosom
 their wives and daughters."
-- Ghengis Kahn, civic leader and Bud man
%%
"All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
 every living organism to live beyond its income."
-- Samuel Butler
%%
"It is not uncommon in a Republican convention hall for delegates to
 gather in menacing clumps around the press gallery, shaking their
 fists and shouting imprecations. (When this happened in Dallas in
 1984, some of us fantasized about picking up our friend Ben
 Wattenberg bodily and tossing him over the side into the angry crowd
 with a cry of "Get 'im!  He's a Democrat!"  Wattenberg would've had
 only a split second to convince the enraged delegates that while he
 may look like a Democrat, he actually supports the Contras, the
 Reagan Doctrine, Star Wars, etc.  But Wattenberg is such a nice guy
 that we didn't have the heart.)"
-- Hendrik Hertzberg
%%
"Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict.  They didn't
 want us to grow up to be spoiled and rich.  If we left our tennis
 racquets in the rain, we were punished."
-- Nancy Ellis, George Bush's sister
%%
"A duel to the death!"
			     "Dr. Science!"
"Okay, until we get tired and grumpy."

[From the DR. SCIENCE TV show]
%%
"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not
 really living.  Growth demands a temporary surrender of security."
-- Gail Sheehy
%%
"We must believe in luck.  For how else can we explain the success of
 those we don't like?"
-- Jean Cocteau
%%
"I don't make jokes -- I just watch the government and report the
 facts."
-- Will Rogers
%%
"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make
 us love one another."
-- Jonathan Swift
%%
"It's odd that you can get so anesthetized to your own pain or your
 own problem that you don't quite fully share the hell of someone
 close to you."
-- Lady Bird Johnson
%%
"Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery."
-- Jack Paar
%%
"The healthy, the strong individual, is the one who asks for help when
 he needs it, whether he's got an abscess on his knee or his soul."
-- Rona Barrett
%%
"[Michael Dukakis is] a card-carrying member of the A.C.L.U., a group
 [which is] pretty far out in left field [and does not reflect] Texas
 values."
-- George Bush
%%
"Strange, when you think of it, that of all the countless folks who
 have lived before our time on this planet not one is known in history
 or legend as having died of laughter."
-- Sir Max Beerbohm
%%
"A certain person may have, as you say, a wonderful presence: I do not
 know. What I do know is that he has a perfectly delightful absence."
-- Idries Shah
%%
"When the writer becomes the center of his attention, he becomes a
 nudnik.  And a nudnik who believes he's profound is even worse than
 just a plain nudnik."
-- Isaac Bashevis Singer
%%
"There is the greatest practical benefit in making a few failures
 early in life."
-- Thomas Henry Huxley
%%
"MS-DOS isn't dead, it just smells that way."
-- Henry Spencer
%%
       "Today I'm not a doctor, but you can call me one.
Some folks call it 'science', but I just call it fun.
	Upon my every statement you can have complete reliance;
I know more than *you* do -- Call me Dr. Science!"
[The last lines to the Dr. Science theme]
%%
"You will curse the day you did not do
 	All that the Phantom asked of you!"
[I think -- I think --	this is from THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (the musical)]
%%
"I say we blow the crap out of it and torch the joint."

	     "Don't be bloody DAFT. This is a Terror
	      Elemental -- not a rival biker gang."

[John Constantine and friend in HELLBLAZER]
%%
"DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD, YOU DAMN FISH!!"
[Aquaman]
%%
"I must admit, I *like* five-to-one odds."
[the JLA]
%%
"HAIR-PULLING?!  You're actually indulging in HAIR-PULLING?!  What
 kind of a Green Lantern are you, anyway?"

	     "The kind that eats punks like you for *breakfast*!"

[Guy Gardner in JLI]
%%
"Always keep your bowler on in times of stress.  And watch out for
 diabolical masterminds."
[Emma Peel's parting comment to John Steed on THE AVENGERS]
%%
"A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years."
-- Harry Truman
%%
"I'm not a pushover, believe me.  I laugh at HAMLET."
-- Billy Wilder
%%
"Sherlock Holmes was a drug addict without a single amiable trait."
-- George Bernard Shaw

"You're not exactly Little Mary Sunshine yourself, Bernie."
-- Moi
%%
"Ain't that just like a tin-pot dictator!  Calling in the faceless
 hordes when things get rough!  Faceless horde is my middle name!"
[The Badger, in NEXUS]
%%
"Honest Crocus worships at the font of free enterprise."
[NEXUS]
%%
"So... I can save the solar system. But not a friend. This job isn't
 worth a tinker's damn."
[NEXUS]
%%
"I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just..."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
"The gorilla had an 800-word "vocabulary."  Apparently a new record in
 the animal intelligence racket.  I wasn't impressed.  I had a nephew
 into Motley Crue that could speak 850 easy."
[THE AMERICAN]
%%
Unemployed? Hungry? Eat a foreign car.
[Seen on a bumper sticker]
%%
"Say, Ralph, what do you think of those Cardinals?"

	     "I think they're terrific, Jim. I love the way they use
	      black smoke to signal that they haven't picked a Pope and..."

"No, Ralph, no."

[Ralph Dinby, THE ELONGONATED MAN]
%%
"What do I care for the C.I.A. Director's tawdry affairs? I'm on the
 trail of Satan himself!"
[A Mike Baron DEADMAN story]
%%
"The stupid are deaf to the truth; they hear, but think that the
 wisdom applies to someone else."
-- Heraclitus
%%
"Do you know back at the turn of the century how long it took to cross
 Manhattan on horse?  What the average speed was?  Seven miles an
 hour.  You what it is today?  Exactly the same, seven miles an hour."
-- John Denver
%%
"Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length."
-- Robert Frost
%%
"Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life."
-- Lord Byron
%%
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself."
-- Albert Camus
%%
"Look!  Sunglasses! EXACTLY like the ones worn by the American Don
 Johnson!"
[Several Chinese Army guards find evidence in THE SHADOW]
%%
"I-I-I didn't know they were carnivorous!"
	     "Or expert shots!"
[DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
%%
"Permit me to introduce myself.  My name's Dracula, Lord of the
 Undead. God, I do love the way that sounds."
[DINOSAURS FOR HIRE] 
%%
"Besides, my teeth aren't what they used to be.  I have some weird
 degenerate gum disease.  It turns out even the Undead have to floss."
[Dracula discusses problems of the modern vamipire in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
%%
"Not bad.  Were you aiming for the Ferarri?"
	     "Yeah, but I thought it would have made a bigger dent."
[A large tyrannosaurus and Dracula discuss trajectories in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
%%
"You forgot to read your fortune cookie... It says... you're shit out
 of luck."
[Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry in THE DEAD POOL]
%%
"The following program contains language which may be offensive enough
 to knock a buzzard off a shitwagon."
[A cartoon I saw]
%%
"Do they still keep track of me at the Agency?"

	     "We heard you married some old Nazi."

"He was NOT a Nazi -- he was Austrian."

	     "So was Hitler."

"Yes, but *he* had no sense of humor."

[A wonderful exchange between Glenda Jackson and Walter Matthau in
 HOPSCOTCH, a film well worth searching out]
%%
"It's public knowledge that you dislike small animals and children, Luthor."
[Superman IV -- don't see it!]
%%
"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being
 unable to sit still in a room."
-- Blaise Pascal
%%
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for in
 the morning, sleep late."
-- Henny Youngman
%%
"After decades of "Masterpiece Theater" decline, deferent workers
 cheering dim royals, and legions of garden fetishists whose idea of
 fun was a gentle discussion of acidity levels in the topsoil, the
 class system is finally getting shaken up. There are happier
 consequences of this than violence, of course, but the hooligan
 revival is at least a reminder that there's now no shortage of
 Britons successful enough to deserve beating up and plenty of others
 self-confident enough to do it."
-- Andrew Sullivan
%%
"Spock, maybe your reknowned Vulcan logic can get Jim to rest.  God
 know he never listens to me."

	     "Do not take it personally, Dr. McCoy.
	      *None* of us listens to you."

[A classic exchange between Spock and McCoy in the STAR TREK comic]
%%
"Oh, come ON!  A one-man religion?"
	     "There is no other kind."
[From THE QUESTION]
%%
"Okay, Sister, I never hurt a nun before..."

	     "Undt you won't hurt one now, you little turd."

[A street punk addressing a transexual, former Nazi nun nicknamed "Sister
 Twyster." From THE BADGER]
%%
"Are you Catholic?"
		     "Episcopalian, and not very."
"Ja, ja.  Agnoztic."
[From THE BADGER]
%%
"I'll keep 'em off your Holy Ass as long as you're in Wisconsin."
[From THE BADGER]
%%
"Vhat are you doing?"
		     "I was preparing to divine trends in
		      business software through the ritual
		      sacrifice of AT&T's Consumer Memory Banks.
		      Will you assist me?"
"Wiss pleasure!"
		     "It's more humane than animal sacrifices and
		      infinitely more rewarding!"
[From THE BADGER]
%%
"Strangers may laugh at him behind his back, but still he saves their
 lives!"
[That could only describe... THE FLAMING CARROT!]
%%
"You should always read the instructions first, Uncle Billy!"
[FLAMING CARROT offers some good advice to Uncle Billy re: his mail-order
 jungle bride]
%%
"Senators, TV crews and the nation in general are mystified when, on
 the third day, Flaming Carrot shows a Star Trek blooper reel on
 behalf of the defense..."
[FLAMING CARROT at the Senate Hearings]
%%
"Meanwhile... the Carrot is using his keen but unorthodox
 crimefighting techniques..."
			     "Are you a gangster?"
[FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"I loved you... loved you as much as any American used car dealer
 could..."
[Uncle Billy laments in FLAMING CARROT COMICS]
%%
"The summit meeting has also allowed a warm personal relationship to
 blossom between the two world leaders. This warmth was evident right
 from their first joint press conference, where Gorbachev offered, as
 a gesture of his friendship toward Reagan, to have Sam Donaldson
 shot."
--Dave Barry
%%
"Dave Sim appears in dark glasses and talks like he's been up for
 three days doing God knows what, which is kind of how you like to
 think of Dave Sim."
-- Rob Rodi
%%
"I didn't resolve the questions... and I find that entertaining.  And
 if my life were to end tomorrow, it would be fulfilled in that
 manner.  I would say, 'The questions have been terrific.'"
-- Jack Kirby on his work
%%
"I don't often make a mistake, but when I do, it's a beaut."
-- Fiorello La Guardia
%%
"I'm through with takin' falls
 And bouncing off the walls;
 Without that gun
 I'd have some fun 
 And kick you in the..."
			"NOSE!"
			       "Nose?  Dat don't rhyme
				wit 'walls'!"
"No, but THIS does!"
				>*KRUNCH!*<
[Eddie Valiant in ROGER RABBIT]
%%
"As a last resort, we can always sic Les Nesman on them."

	     "My God... that could signal the end of
	      organized religion as we know it."

[WKRP IN CINCINATTI]
%%
"Whenever I'm faced with a difficult situation, I like to ask myself
 what my idol, Edward R. Murrow, would think; and I think Ed would
 call this censorship.

"But I also ask myself what my other hero, General George Patton,
 would think; and I think George would believe this country needs to
 be cleaned up.  Why, if George were alive today, he'd take two
 armored tank divisions into Hollywood and knock those liberal
 pinheads into the ocean!

"So, as you can see, I'm a very confused man.  And when I'm confused,
 there's only one thing that makes me feel better: I watch TV."
-- Les Nesman
[WKRP IN CINCINATTI]
%%
"Writing is like prostitution.  First you do it for love, and then for
 a few close friends, and then for money."
-- Moliere
%%
"I don't mind you *thinking* I'm stupid, but don't *talk* to me like
 I'm stupid."
-- Harlan Ellison
%%
"There, but for the grace of God, goes God."
-- Herman Mankiewicz on Orson Welles
%%
"What do you know about show business, Mr.  Valiant?"

	     "Only that there's no business like it... no
	      business I know."

[Eddie Valiant in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
%%
"A Toon killed his brother... dropped a piano on his head."
[WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
%%
"A ladies man, eh?"
		     "The problem is, I gotta fifty-year-old lust and
		      a three-year-old dinky."
[WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
%%
"I'm not bad... I'm just drawn that way."
[WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
%%
"Haven't seen you for nigh onto three years.  Where you been, Eddie?"
	     "Drunk.  Feeling frisky tonight, boys?"
[WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
%%
"A good many things go around in the dark besides Santa Claus."
-- Hoover
%%
"Gee, this is pretty good for slop!"
[Gourmet advice from JONNY QUEST]
%%
"...and so -- for weeks after -- you won't be able to swing a dead CAT
 in Jerusalem without hitting someone descended from the house of
 David...  anointed by a close relative... riding into town on a
 donkey."
[The tantalizing tail end of the Judge's soliloquy from CEREBUS]
%%
"If you don't find him, they'll shoot him down like a dog!"

     "Well, he *is* a dog."

[A cute little gypsy girl pleads with THE BADGER over Spuds McKen... err,
 Buddy McBride]
%%
"I see more than you do, child.  I see an end to Hell.  What do YOU
 see?"
	     "I see someone in a lot of pain."

[Dekko and Jenny from ZOT!]
%%
"I give up then. If Mozart can't justify our continued existence,
 nothing can."
[Max, a man in love with the minutae and beauty of life, from ZOT!]
%%
"Did you learn that from captains' school, too?"

     "No.  Rodgers and Hammerstein."

[Uhura and Kirk from the STAR TREK comic.]
%%
"Wow!  You're up and around already?  I'm impressed."
     "Oh, great.  Now they'll be no living with him."
[End of a great punch line with Kirk getting out of bed and McCoy's acid
 comments]
%%
"You and Ronald McDonald are the two most popular clowns in this
 country right now."
[Nick Fury's comments on Clay Quarterman's Ollie North-like popularity.
 From THE INCREDIBLE HULK.]
%%
"But only the wind picked him up, and blew him away into the Arizona
 skies.  And, I hope, to a better place.

"Rio, maybe."
			     "MR. JONES!"

"Well, I didn't want to sound too maudlin."

[Rick Jones from the same issue of THE HULK]
%%
"In the afterlife, everyone's good-looking."
-- Laurie Thompson
%%
"You realize that if they catch us they will beat us, torture us, and
 kill us?"
		     "So, you are suggesting we go home?"
"No, this is more fun."
[The two brownies from WILLOW]
%%
"What will we do when they come?"
     "See if we can sell Mom and Dad into slavery for a star cruiser."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
"I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
"I kind of like it.  Interesting percussion section."

	     "Those are cannons."

"And they perform this in crowded concert halls?  Gee, I thought
 classical music was boring!"

[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
"I've got *plenty* of common sense! I just choose to ignore it."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
"Why would she want another kid?? She's already got ME!"

	     "Yes, you'd think she'd have learned her lesson
	      by now..."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
"Either he's playing classical music at 78 RPM, or I'm still
 dreaming."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
"Just think! With the push of a button, you could be a 500-story
 gastropod -- a slug the size of the Chrysler Building."

	     "Gosh, how can I refuse?"

"Well, if you don't like that, be something else!  I don't care!"

[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
"I'm disappointed too, but keep in mind that transmogrification is a
 new technology."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
%%
"The weed of crime bears *bitter fruit*... but there are limits..."
[Even THE SHADOW can have second thoughts...]
%%
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because
 they quit playing."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%%
"Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one
 thing right, that there should be nobody with the power to dictate
 where responsible journalism begins."
-- Tom Stoppard
%%
"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating."
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
"Who sees all beings in his own Self, and his own Self in all beings,
 loses all fear."
-- Isa Upanishad
%%
"No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made.
 Destiny is made known silently."
-- Agnes De Mille
%%
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
 didn't."
-- Erica Jong
%%
"Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes."
-- Henry David Thoreau
%%
"One can acquire everything in solitude -- except character."
-- Stendhal
%%
"It's not the world that's got so much worse but the news coverage
 that's got so much better."
-- G. K. Chesterton
%%
"Nature teaches more than she preaches. There are no sermons in
 stones. It is easier to get a spark than a moral."
-- John Burroughs
%%
"Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy."
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
%%
"One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.  No machine can do
 the work of one extraordinary man."
-- Elbert Hubbard
%%
"I don't need psychotherapy, I have a CAR!!"
-- Hans Fiedler
%%
Should South Florida legalize casino gambling?  As with
any important issue, there are pros and cons. Here they
are: 

  PROS:	 Everybody would get rich.
  CONS:	 Everybody would get killed by gangsters.

-- Dave Barry
%%
"Great, you wasted all my Clearasil on another picture of Thor?"
	     "Thor's my hero..."
"Thor's a homo."
	     "Is not."
[From ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING]
%%
"You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind
 word."
-- Al Capone
%%
"New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way
 ahead of you."
-- David Letterman
%%
"Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly."
-- Henry Spencer
%%
"I know engineers.  They love to change things."
-- Dr. McCoy
%%
"...this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried
 under six million hardbound copies of 'The Naked Lunch.'"
-- The Firesign Theater
%%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
-- Andy Finkel
%%
"I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it
 would have gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were
 satisfied with the missiles and we didn't have to go to that
 extreme."
-- Oliver North
%%
"I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the
 Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the
 Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is
 my own Church."
-- Thomas Paine
%%
"It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or
 no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%%
Sample Error Message from DEC's RSTS OS for the PDP-11: 

	"UNIBUS TIMEOUT FATAL TRAP PROGRAM LOST SORRY"
%%
Harrison's Postulate:
	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 
%%
"Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid."
-- Indiana University football cheer
%%
"I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full
 house and 4 people died."
-- Steven Wright
%%
"Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
 restraint."
-- Dave Sim
%%
How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

	3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say "I told you so" when it
	doesn't work.  

[rec.humor]
%%
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good
 blaster at your side."
-- Han Solo
%%
"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of
 them seemed to come from Texas."
-- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"

 [Personal note: thus confirming my opinion of both Bond and Fleming...]
%%
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.
[Groucho Marx]
%%
"...if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on
 lust, this would be a better world."
-- Garrison Keillor, LAKE WOBEGON DAYS
%%
"This isn't brain surgery; it's just television."
-- David Letterman
%%
"Show business is just like high school, except you get paid."
-- Martin Mull
%%
"It's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud."
-- J. C. R. Licklider
%%
"One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly
 possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community
 of thought, a rivalry of aim."
-- Henry Brook Adams
%%
"The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts."
-- Paul Erlich
%%
"The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jail
 break."
-- Wavy Gravy
%%
"Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los
 Angeles."
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%%
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is more than she ever did."
-- Rufus T. Firefly
[Groucho Marx]
%%
"There will always be survivors."
-- Robert Heinlen
%%
"It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails, admit
 it frankly and try another.  But above all, try something."
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%%
"Sylvester Stallone does Hamlet:
	 'To be, or what?'"
-- Robin Williams
%%
"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at
 night, and in between he does what he wants to do."
-- Bob Dylan
%%
"Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them."
-- James Thurber
%%
"I really appreciate The Writer's Guild.  Under their health plan, I
 can get prescription drugs for $2 a pop."
-- George Carlin
%%
"Why is the camera moving around so much?"
		     "It's a film style called cinema verite."
"Huh? What's that?"
		     "It's a fancy French expression for 'sloppy
		      camera work'."
-- The Tracy Ullman Show
%%
  GEORGE BUSH at the College of Southern Idaho, 5/6/88:

 Regarding President Reagan, "For 7 1/2 years I've worked alongside
 him, and I'm proud to be his partner.  We've had triumphs, we've made
 mistakes, we've had sex."

"Setbacks," he quickly corrected.  "We've had setbacks." 
%%
"If the airport books are any indication, there are at least 450,000
 evil Nazi World War II geniuses still at large, many of them with
 atomic laser cannons."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pedantic and that's just as good."
-- D Gary Grady
%%
"Now you have accidentally said something valuable!"
[Hercule Poirot in MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS]
%%
"But, will I get the chicks? I mean, in truckloads?"
[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"What a pinhead!  Does he not fear us?!"
[SAM AND MAX, FREELANCE POLICE]
%%
"Vaya con dios, scumbucket."
[Roger LaCoco from WISEGUY]
%%
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!"
[Lloyd Bridges from AIRPLANE!]
%%
 I don't care if it rains or freezes,
 As long as I got my plastic Jesus,
 Riding on the dashboard of my car.
 I can do a hundred miles an hour!
 Long as I got the almighty power,
 Way up there with my pair of fuzzy dice.
[Don Imus, The Plastic Jesus Song]
%%
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with."
[SLEDGE HAMMER!]
%%
"The living dead don't NEED to solve word problems."
[CALVIN & HOBBES]
%%
"Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
 start closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous
 chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas."
-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
%%
"Comedy.  Sudden, violent comedy!"
[Monty Python]
%%
"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them."
[Dr. Fegg's Encyclopeadia of ALL World Knowledge]
%%
"Hey, stewardess.  Run through that seatbelt demonstration a few more
 times.  It's unbelievably tricky!"
[Sam & Max]
%%
"We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second
 to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little
 scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds
 if we felt like it."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"Spontaneous combustion!  What a stroke of luck!"
[SAM & MAX, FREELANCE POLICE]
%%
"He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director,
 Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept
 calling him 'Dude'."
[Ty Templeton's STIG'S INFERNO]
%%
"...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too..."
[CALVIN & HOBBES]
%%
"Mind your manners, son!  I've got a tall pointy hat!"
[Elrod from CEREBUS]
%%
"Yes, well, that's just the sort of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance
 I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage."
[John Cleese of Monty Python]
%%
"You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the Earth had one
 throat and I had my hands about it."
-- Rorschach
[WATCHMEN]
%%
"The language of politics is poetry, not prose.  Jackson is poetry.
 Cuomo is poetry.  Dukakis is a word processor."
-- Richard M. Nixon
%%
"Spare me, gentle knight!  Tenure shalt thee have, and gold, and
 several attractive female teaching assistants."
[Gary's fantasy from thirty-something]
%%
"Whoever said talk is cheap never saw a bill for Phonesex."
-- Michael Corcoran
%%
"On our third date, I plan to screw your eyes blue."
	     "Yup.... just an old-fashioned girl."
[MIRACLE MILE]
%%
"My next storyline has the Punisher going after the Attorney General.
 This should be good."
-- Mike Baron
%%
"Last year they got food poisoning. This year they got Bill Gates."
-- MacWeek on the NAUG meeting
%%
"In the handbook, it says that most people ignore the strange and
 unusual; while I myself *am*...  strange and unusual."
[BEETLEJUICE]
%%
"One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe."
-- Tom Anderson
%%
"The rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a
 number or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once."
[Anonymous]
%%
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens.
[Anonymous]
%%
"An optimist believes we live in the best world possible; a pessimist
 fears this is true."
[Anonymous]
%%
"Be suspicious of anything that works perfectly -- it's probably
 because two errors are canceling each other out."
-- Dave Bartley
%%
"A feature is a bug with seniority."
-- Dave Bartley
%%
"If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't
 see his feet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football."
-- Chuck Newcombe
%%
"If hyperspace did not already exist, science fiction writers would
 have had to invent it."
-- Peter Oakley
%%
"It is customary in these situations for the developer of the plan to
 explain it."
		     "It is also customary for the DETECTIVE to explain
		      how HE figured it out!"

[Steve Martin and Carl Reiner battle it out in DEAD MEN DON'T WEAR PLAID]
%%
"Is it really that good?  It couldn't be, could it?  I mean, a first
 attempt by a total amateur?"

	     "I'll tell you how good that is: even a gifted
	      director couldn't hurt it."

[from DEATHTRAP]
%%
"Dead?  No excuse for laying off work."
[God (played splendidly by the late Sir Ralph Richardson) in TIME BANDITS]
%%
"Yes... why do we have to have evil?"

	     "Ah, I think it's something to do with free will."

[God (played splendidly by the late Sir Ralph Richardson) in TIME BANDITS]
%%
Woodard's Law:  You can have it right, or you can have it now.
		But you can't have it right now.
%%
"The universe has fascinated mankind for many, many years, dating back
 to the very earliest episodes of "Star Trek", when the brave crew of
 the Enterprise set out, wearing pajamas, to explore the boundless
 voids of space, which turned out to be as densely populated as
 Queens, New York.  Virtually every planet they found was inhabited,
 usually by evil beings with cheap costumes and Russian accents, so
 finally the brave crew of the Enterprise returned to Earth to gain
 weight and make movies."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"The ultimate metric that I would like to propose for user
 friendliness is quite simple: if this system was a person, how long
 would it take before you punched it in the nose?"
-- Tom Carey
%%
"Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself."
[Anonymous]
%%
"The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and
 stupidity."
-- Harlan Ellison
%%
"When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
 subject."
-- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
"We learn from history that we learn nothing from history."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"Flattery is all right -- as long as you don't inhale."
-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."
-- Bernard Berenson
%%
"To talk to a child, to fascinate him, is much more difficult than to
 win an electoral victory. But it is also much more satisfying."
-- Colette
%%
"Tell the truth and run."
-- Yugoslav proverb
%%
"The best index to a person's character is a) how he treats people who
 can't do him any good and b) how he treats people who can't fight
 back."
-- Abigail Van Buren
%%
"Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning."
-- Marlo Thomas
%%
"Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit."
-- David McCord
%%
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature...
 Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
-- Helen Keller
%%
"Success covers a multitude of blunders."
-- Corporate motto of Microsoft
 [Actually, it was George Bernard Shaw]
%%
"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a
 cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly
 for one."
-- William Stekel
%%
"There's this to say for blood and breath, They give a man a taste for
 death."
-- Housman
%%
"So that's it in a nutshell, Phil.  We're here to take over your
 planet and enslave all you goobers what live here..."

	     "Never mind that -- what about *women's issues*?
	      What do you think about equal pay?  I could just
	      weep!"

[Phil Donahue talks to alien invaders in WHAT TH...?!, a completely
 forgettable comic] 
%%
"The year is 2989.  New York City has become a melting pot for humans
 and various alien races.  Blind dates are a real crap shoot now."
[From ROACHMILL]
%%
"Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood..."
[That darned BADGER...]
%%
"So tell me... did you remember to ask for World Domination?"

	     "Whoops... I knew I forgot something!"

[That darned BADGER...]
%%
"As that pudgy ex-Genesis drummer, I put the entire state of
 Connecticut to sleep and stole their wallets."

[A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his
 crimes in SONIC DISRUPTORS]
%%
"Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation
 sickness?"
[A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes in SONIC
 DISRUPTORS]
%%
"Just because I'm not a real person doesn't mean I'm not a *good*
 person."
		     "That's... that's beautiful, Fuzz.	You
		      want to host a telethon?"

[A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes in SONIC
 DISRUPTORS]
%%
"Stop it!  You're pinching my arm!"

	     "You're lucky I don't rip it off and beat yer
	      girlfriend with it!"

[A Mark Martin satire of the Charles Atlas ads...]
%%
"Ever see a Dirty Harry movie?"
	     "Yessir!"
"Like 'em?"
	     "Yessir!  Very much so!"
[A soldier with a gun to his head in THE AMERICAN]
%%
"According to my instruments -- they're preparing to jump into
 hyper-space... or go to warp drive...  or something like that."
[Yes, it's JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL.  3 points.]
%%
"Gross!  GROSS!  GRRROSSSS!"
	     "But VERY Cronenberg."
[Yes, it's JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL.  3 points.]
%%
"Shulang it! This is exactly the treatment we've come to expect from
 Delta Airlines!"
[BADGER in NEXUS]
%%
"We need the boat to cross the next zone!"
	     "We need the hat to impress girls, and stupid natives!"
[BADGER in NEXUS]
%%
"Civilization!  Look for a Burger King."
[BADGER in NEXUS]
%%
"Nuns - No sense of humor."
[HIGHLANDER]
%%
"Do we have any more animals that Grandma can torture?"
[NOTHING IN COMMON]
%%
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up
 reasons for it afterwards."
-- Soren F. Petersen
%%
"You're going to burn in Hell for this."
	     "I don't believe in Hell. I believe in
	      unemployment."
[TOOTSIE]
%%
"You're a creature of the night, Michael. Wait'll Mom hears about this".
[THE LOST BOYS]
%%
"I'm going to throw up all over you."
	     "Go ahead, it won't show on this shirt".
[THE RUNNING MAN (yes, it's an Arnie line)]
%%
"Everyone wants to be Cary Grant... *I* want to be Cary Grant."
-- Archibald Leach
%%
"We're going to kill each other, aren't we?"
[THE KILLING JOKE]
%%
"Don't get even... get mad!"
[THE KILLING JOKE]
%%
"But I guess nobody gets to live happily ever after anymore, do they?"
[Abby in SWAMP THING]
%%
"But you other two, I don't see any place for you in the revolution.
 ESPECIALLY YOU, Kate Straight!  If you persist in playing that awful
 crunchy granola folk music all the time!"
[A Chinese Communist Col. whose life is changed by R&B in SONIC DISRUPTORS]
%%
"The game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and
 words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy."
[Anonymous]
%%
"If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average."
-- Bill Cosby
%%
"If God had really intended men to fly, He'd have made it easier to
 get to the airport."
-- George Winters
%%
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
 appreciates how difficult it was."
-- Walt West
%%
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.
[Anonymous]
%%
"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd
 have preferred to talk."
-- Doug Larson
%%
"Yow!  That Sklar guy leaves a road behind him!"
	     "Good!  Look for a McDonald's!"
[The Badger makes another cognizant observation, in NEXUS]
%%
"You're a lot of GRIEF, Badge. I'm going to write you with tight
 underwear, or something."
[Creator Mike Baron harangues the Badger...]
%%
"But I can't excuse that FLASH GORDON review.  That was the *dumbest*
 movie ever made."
[A fan of Baron's who can't excuse just *one* little thing]
%%
"I don't know what their gripe is.  A critic is simply someone paid to
 render opinions glibly."
			     "Critics are grinks and groinks."
[Baron and Badger]
%%
"I used to do movie reviews in town.  They never forgave me for liking
 FLASH GORDON."
		     "You must be nuts.	 I liked it, too."
[Baron and Badger]
%%
"It's true... I consume 47 times my own weight in fast-food
 burgers. They call me the human Rolaid."
[Baron and Badger]
%%
"As Mayor of Houston, it gives me great pleasure to award you this
 Texas Freedom Award and a gold Neiman Marcus charge card."
[Foo-fa-raa in BADGER]
%%
"Quick!  A Mai-Tai!"
[Foo-fa-raa in BADGER]
%%
"If you wants something cheap, try McCrory's."
[Foo-fa-raa in BADGER]
%%
"That buffalo is the greatest figure skater I've ever seen! I must
 sign him to STAR in my next show!"
[Foo-fa-raa in BADGER]
%%
"HEY, LARRY! DITCH THE JACKET!"
[Foo-fa-raa in BADGER]
%%
"Hey, I think his heart has stopped."
	     "Let's give him a few more minutes."
[Penny and Hopey discussing the results of a sexual
 encounter in LOVE & ROCKETS]
%%
"Why, I'd recognize those boobs anywhere."
[Hopey spots Penny in LOVE & ROCKETS]
%%
"Israel today announced that it is giving up.  The Zionist state will
 dissolve in two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various
 resort communities around the world.  Said Prime Minister Yitzhak
 Shamir, 'Who needs the aggravation?'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%%
"Bush?  OK, he's experienced, but he's never going to be a GREAT liar.
 He can hardly bamboozle Dan Rather.  How's he going to do up against
 bloodthirsty, power-mad dictator, like Margaret Thatcher?"
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople
 Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate
 American business product: a really sharp-looking report."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"All you Klingons, you want to ravage helpless Earthwomen. Brute."
[They really should have named this, "I Married a Klingon."
 From DC's STAR TREK]
%%
"SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth! [offer void where prohibited]"
[Capitalists from outer space!	From the JLI]
%%
"I'm shouting again. I've got to watch that."
[One of said invaders worrying about appearances....]
%%
"Roman Polanski makes his own blood. He's smart -- that's why his movies work."
[A brilliant director at FRANK'S PLACE]
%%
"I'll get my revenge on all of society!  I'll build a mighty criminal
 empire!"
[Mobieus's career criminal]
%%
"Badger!  Grab something and *hang on*!"
	     "Right-Oh!	 I'm hanging onto this 1890 Liberty
	      Head Silver Dollar!"
[Badge, Judah and Nexus battening down the hatches, from NEXUS]
%%
"Avast, ye slobs!  Deploy the mizzen mast!  Rotate the rubber baby
 buggy bumpers!"
[Badge, Judah and Nexus battening down the hatches, from NEXUS]
%%
"Well, I read somewhere that to kill a vampire, you have to behead it
 and fill its mouth with holy wafers."

	     "Really?"

"I knew you'd like that."

[The fun part is AFTER you drive the stake through the heart.  HERO SANDWICH]
%%
"You know, you're more in need of a blow job than any other white man
 in the history of the human race."
[Robin Williams, GOOD MORNING VIETNAM]
%%
"The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists."
[Dave Barry]
%%
"Maybe there is not one damn villain in the world..."
[The Question]
%%
"Gee... these guys really ARE impervious!"
[The Badger vs. demon bike gangs from Hell.  Guess who wins?]
%%
"General, a machine becomes human when you can't tell the difference."
[From D.A.R.Y.L.]
%%
"Taste cold justice, you disreputable henchman-types!"
[Holy Melodrama -- it's Bat-Bat!  (From Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series)]
%%
"Butter becomes weightless?.... Raymond Burr must be in orbit by now."
[Holy Melodrama -- it's Bat-Bat!  (From Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series)]
%%
I think it's part of a corporate discipline program for Disney
executives:

	"Johnson, your department is over budget again.  You know
	 what that means."   
			       "No!  Please!"

	"Yes! Into the Goofy suit!"

-- Dave Barry
%%
The spokesperson told me that one of the hot toys for boys this
year, once again, is the G.I. Joe action figure and "accessories,"
which is the toy industry code word for guns, as in: "Don't nobody
move!  I got an accessory!"
-- Dave Barry
%%
"I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a
 bargain.'"
--Tammy Faye Bakker
%%
It's safe to vote for Gary Hart, but only if you wear a condom.
[From an article in the NEW REPUBLIC]
%%
"Well, here we are in the Phillippines!"
	     "Drawn without reference material, apparently."
[The superbly loony SAM AND MAX]
%%
"Holy jumping Mother O' God in a sidecar with chocolate Jimmies and a
 Lobster Bib!"
[The superbly loony SAM AND MAX]
%%
"We must teach him, Max!  Hey, where do you *keep* that gun?"
	     "None of your damn business, Sam."
[The superbly loony SAM AND MAX]
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Nov. 12th

 In continuing media coverage of the Character Issue, presidential
 candidates named Bruce "Dick" Babbitt and Albert "Dick" Gore Jr.
 state that they have tried marijuana, but no longer use it.  "Now we
 just drink gin till we throw up," they state.

 George Bush reveals that he tried to smoke marijuana, but nobody
 would give him any.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 23rd

 The Senate rejects Bork. President Reagan, informed of this by his
 aides, angrily responds: "Who?"
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 8th

 Three hundred prominent law professors sign a petition stating that
 Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has "a weenie beard."
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Sept. 28th

 In the Persian Gulf, tensions mount as a U.S.  gunboat engages in a
 scuffle with actor Sean Penn.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- August 20th

 In Miami, alert Metrorail police arrest a woman for permitting her
 child to eat a Vienna sausage. Bystanders applaud this courageous
 law-enforcement action by firing their revolvers into the air.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- August 10th

 As "Ollie-mania" continues to sweep the country, one of the most
 popular video-arcade games in the country is a new one called -- this
 is true -- "Contra."  The way it works is, there are two soldiers on
 the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- June 29th

 In Wimbledon action, John McEnroe kills a line judge and is given a
 stern warning.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- May 17th

 The U.S. Navy frigate Stark is attacked by an Iraqi jet, which, under
 our extremely clear Mideast policy, causes us to prepare for violent
 confrontation with Iran.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- May 5th

 The Iran-Contra hearings begin with Sen.  Daniel Inouye doing his
 hilarious two-hour impersonation of a 78 r.p.m. record being played
 at 33 r.p.m.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Feb 1st

 A new policy requiring random drug testing of all airline pilots runs
 into a snag when nearly half of the Delta pilots are unable to hit
 the specimen bottle.
%%
 DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 4th

 The United States yacht Stars and Stripes recaptures the coveted
 America's Cup when the Australian entry, Kookaburra, is sunk by a
 Chinese-made "Silkworm" missile. The U.S.  Sixth Fleet steams toward
 the troubled region with orders to "form humungous targets."
%%
"Aman-Tut and Julius Caesar -- they both foresaw their untimely
 deaths, thousands of years ago, in this very oracle. And so did Max
 Headroom."
[ABC seeks after David Addison with help from a soothsayer, in MOONLIGHTING]
%%
"I thought you were a Right Guy, Huntley... but I'm ashamed to be in
 the same chain gang with you."
[David is critically evaluated by a fellow prisoner in MOONLIGHTING]
%%
"Yeah, a dead sixteen-year-old falls from the sky -- that'll surprise them!"
[Frank comment from BEANS BAXTER]
%%
"Und then it says here he sings 'Pigs?  In There?'  over und over.
 What a very silly person."
-- Conrad Schnitzler, German synthesist for The Bulldaggers
[From SAVAGE HENRY]
%%
"Adventure builds a thirst! What a guy!"
-- The neo-Canton guy
[From SAVAGE HENRY]
%%
"See?  You NEED me... like Skipper needs Gilligan!"
-- The Flaming Carrot
%%
"It isn't spread by casual contact, you know."
	"Yeah, *I* know! Why did YOU pull back?"
		    "People.  I love 'em."
[Observations on humanity in CONCRETE]
%%
"Oh dear... well, if you don't get her to a very powerful Shaman right
 away -- she'll die."
		     "We got an Elder God in the van.	Will he do?"
[SAVAGE HENRY]
%%
"Well, Henry, we did all we could to save her...
 ... so, naturally, she survived."
[SAVAGE HENRY]
%%
"By an inevitable chain of causes and effects, Providence punishes
 national sins by national calamities."
-- George Mason
%%
"Now, my faithful minions, let me explain my plan... for the benefit
 of the audience."
[The Kingpin -- not the fat one -- from Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series]
%%
"Now, please excuse me while I wreak my vengeance."
[Huge the Barbarian from the same cartoon]
%%
"Welcome to Amboy 4. We are pleased to have your puny planet
 participate in our Intergalactic livestock show and demolition
 derby."
[MIGHTY MOUSE show]
%%
"Well, if it wasn't Buckaroo Banzai, I'd say 'commit the man.'"
[The Secretary of Defense from BUCKAROO BANZAI]
%%
"We've replaced the fine coffee at Mssr. Andre's with sand and
 ground-up clam shells."
[A line from a vacuam ad I like]
%%
"They [South Africa] have eliminated the segregation that we once had
 in our own country -- the type of thing where hotels and restaurants
 and places of entertainment and so forth were segregated -- that has
 all been eliminated."
-- President Reagan, 1985
%%
"A tree is a tree.  How many more do you need to look at?"
-- Ronald Reagan, 1966
%%
"On the other hand, it takes real moral fiber to remain a Republican
 when there's no money in it.  And things *are* looking grim on the
 financial front.  Even worse for the President, they're getting
 confusing."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"You know, you look at the chaos in the conservative camp right now,
 it's only too tempting to blame it all on pot.  But in fact, the
 Reagan revolution owes a lot to Reefer.  For one thing, it's made the
 symptoms of senility socially acceptable."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"I think it's time to stop carping on the blunders of the President
 and give him some credit for creativity. I mean, where do you even
 FIND a Jewish hard-line conservative Republican pot-smoker?  Sounds
 like an Oprah Winfrey guest."
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"Political observers noted that Governor Mario Cuomo last week altered
 his position on running for the Presidency; he now says that if
 everyone in the world got down on their hands and knees and said,
 'Please, Mario, Please, Please, Please be President!', then he
 would."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%%
"President Reagan, embarrassed by Ed Meese's incompetence in the
 Ginsburg nomination, verbally lambasted the Attorney General and his
 wife at a White House dinner earlier this week by shouting 'I hate
 the Meeses to pieces!'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%%
"What about you, you ever kill anything?"

	     "No, I think killing animals for sport is wrong."

"So you wouldn't kill an animal, huh?... Would you kill a MOOSE that
 was molesting your WIFE?"

-- The Mountain Man
[One of Dana Carvey's great SNL character]
%%
"I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law review, on
 search and seizure.  Man, that was really Out There."

	     "I was so WRECKED when I wrote that..."

[Ginsburg at a smoke-in on SNL]
%%
 Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the
    attention of your broker?
 A: Say, "Hey, waiter!"
[from rec.humor.funny]
%%
"I wouldn't say that Wall Street is a TOTAL disaster zone... but I saw
 Malcolm Forbes this morning sucking subway tokens out of a
 turnstile."
[David Letterman]
%%
"It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff."
[LEAVE IT TO BEAVER]
%%
"What's G. Gordon Liddy doing in the living room, putting the moves on Mom?"
[BEANS BAXTER]
%%
"Can the county spare me couple hundred body bags -- the kinds with
 the twist lock tabs? You know...  the hefty, Hefty, HEFTY kind. Heh,
 heh."
[THE DOGS OF DANGER]
%%
"You shouldn't make my toaster angry."
[Household security explained in JONNY QUEST]
%%
"Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him
 tastefully."
[Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse]
%%
"This Dec. 7th, the summit which will ban all medium-range nuclear
 missiles has already run into its first snag: The National Rifle
 Association has officially protested the treaty, and says its members
 will continue to own and carry nuclear missiles -- but only for
 hunting and self-protection, of course."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%%
"If you think you have enemies, then, dear simpleton, you will have
 enemies."
[I dunno]
%%
"Watch out, world! Here comes Ford!"
	      "Why, do the brakes suck?"
-- Lisa Hunt
%%
"Victory or defeat."
-- Motto of the 82th Light Horse Marines (the "Floating Parrots")
[A sample of the wonderfully odd humor of Col. G.L. Sicherman]
%%
"I'll tell you what I want, I want someone who is so beautiful that
 when you see her you say, 'Wow, that Humperdinck must be some kind of
 fella to have a wife like that.'"
-- William Goldman / S. Morgenstern, _The_Princess_Bride_
%%
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
[The Princess Bride]
%%
"I felt a great disturbance in The Force, as if 500 billion dollars
 cried out in terror, and suddenly vanished."
-- Obi Ben Bosky, 10/19/87
[Harold Feld, the BEM from Alderann]
%%
"I've got a monkey's body, so I'll provide the comedy relief!"
[Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!]
%%
"It's Jenny's brother, Butch!  Boy, are we semi-glad to see you."
[Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!]
%%
"And there! Between STAR TREK and ASTROBOY... It's Zot's world!"
[Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!]
%%
"We can't escape the long arm of education!"
	"Where can we hide?"
		"Better ask a farmer!"
[Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!]
%%
"I beseech John Byrne that when The Star Brand obliterates Pittsburgh,
 that he spare the Captain's Table in the Pittsburgh airport, which
 serves a steak on toasted garlic bread with Bearnaise sauce that is
 second to none..."
-- Dave Sim
%%
"What we need is a symbol."
	"Y'mean like the `Man From Glad'?"
[Chester the Protester from SWAMP THING]
%%
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
-- George Carlin
%%
"Definition of mixed emotions: Finding out your ex-wife accepted a
 Kirby Award on your behalf in San Diego."
-- Dave Sim
%%
"He's a bit too theatrical for my taste."
	     "Mr. Rogers is too theatrical for your
	      taste, darling..."
[Married and Superheroes from JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL]
%%
"What are you so damn cheerful about?  The stock market crashed!"
	"I'm a software engineer. I TRAFFIC in human misery."
[Me, believe it or not]
%%
"Judge Robert Bork, in an attempt to win sympathy from the American
 people after his unsuccessful attempts to be confirmed to the Supreme
 Court, walked into his back yard and fell down a 30-foot abandoned
 well.  So far, no efforts have been made to get him out."
-- Dennis Miller
%%
"I am immune to all such things, my friend. As a youth, a certain
 amount of head-bangin' and metal-bashin' left my synapses so callous,
 no mind-alterin' substances are in charge."
-- Blank Reg
%%
"...so the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
 encryption standard and they came up with..."

	"EBCDIC!"

[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
%%
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
%%
"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion - I may be trying
 to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
%%
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
%%
GREAT MOMENTS IN MATHEMATICS

"You can't drink negative beer... Well, I guess you could throw up."

[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
%%
GREAT MOMENTS IN MATHEMATICS

"How do you find an isomorphism? You just F it.
 See? Graph theory is a lot of fun."

[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
%%
GREAT MOMENTS IN MATHEMATICS

"I think it is true for all n. I was just it safe with n>=3 because I
 couldn't remember the proof."

[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
%%
GREAT MOMENTS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE EDUCATION

"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why
 do you find that funny?"

[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
%%
"Well, now, hold onta yer horses, there, Frazier.  I mean, as a
 psychiatrist isn't it your job to, uh, `seek and uphold the truth'?"

	     "Oh, get real, Cliff."

[Frazier and Cliff discuss ethics on CHEERS]
%%
"...and Keller is schedule to be executed on Friday...  I guess he
 won't be around, then, for the Patriots-Buffalo game this Sunday!"
[A newscaster on CHEERS]
%%
"*I*... am undergoing `male bonding' with your father."

	     "DADDY!"

"...Apparently, it involves repeated vomiting!"

[Opus meets his in-laws in BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
CREATING A COMIC STRIP: Step 1, Dream Up Theme

"... a gruff but endearing two-headed nuclear mutant who's always
 squabbling with itself!

"Naw... it'd look rotten on a Burger King glass."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"I say, son... you've bopped the Queen Mum on the noodle."

	     "I was aiming for Aunt Fergie's hips.  Can't
	      see how I bloody well missed 'em."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"No, we shall not be telling the Royal Navy to `take back'
 Massachusetts today, son."

	     "Mum's right.  Yer such a bloody wimp, Dad."

[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"Take me away, imperialistic puppets of the great Pay-TV Satanistic
 Corporate BoogerHeads!"
[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"Let's blast the Holy Bejeezus out of the savage desert planet LIBYA!...

"Instant gratification: the stuff of leadership."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"Nurse, fetch the patient a `Bud'..."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"I left the tri-corder on `The Wild, Chunky, Spunky Planet of Mary Lou
 Retton Clones.'"
			     "Spock, you are SUCH a putz."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"Shut up, Wilber, and load the Photon Torpedoes."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"Ahead Warp 37 to the wild, loud PLANET OF THE LUSTY WOMEN COMMODITIES
 BROKERS!"
[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"Yes, we're the nation's top corporate executives: the valiant
 frontline in the battle for a purer America!"
[BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
 students that have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential
 programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration."
-- Dijkstra
%%
"I don't want no Commies in my car... no Christians either."
[REPO MAN]
%%
"In terms of air-time and ad rates, View Age is bigger than Islam,
 Judaism, IBM, Scientology, and all but two Christian denominations.
 Projections indicate that they will pass the Catholics and the 700
 Club by this time next year."
[The View-age Church on MAX HEADROOM]
%%
"Oh, God, he's been in the Dobey Gillis file again."
[MAX HEADROOM]
%%
"Captain Justice knows no fear!"
	    "Captain Justice knows no women!"
[A decent line from ONCE A HERO]
%%
"Oboy!  It's the colorized version of CITIZEN KANE... oh, my mistake.
 It's just THE FLINTSTONES."
[From SAM & MAX, FREELANCE POLICE]
%%
"DOM!... If it's not loud, it doesn't work!"
[MAX HEADROOM]
%%
"No sweat!  The Sheik is on the set. I didn't major in political
 science at The University of Illinois for nothing."
[SONIC DISRUPTORS]
%%
"Now... about my allowance..."
[Another bleedin' mutant from HULK]
%%
"Bob also asks if Bill Ward ever did any 3-D comics.  Of course, ALL
 Bill Ward's comics are 3-D comics."
-- Fandom Confidential
%%
"With sales at an all-time high, Marvel will expand their line next
 month with a new title, "Marvel Two-On-One", which will pair two
 superpowered heroes against one not-so-supervillain.  Issue #1 pits
 Thor and The Hulk against Paste-Pot Pete."
-- Fandom Confidential
%%
"I must rise and behold the tiny skull which could contain a brain so
 *worthless* that it commands its keeper to disturb the great JOHN
 BYRNE as he scales new heights of comic majesty! EGAD!	It's worse
 than I thought!  It's JIM ENGEL and CHUCK FIALA!"

[The John Byrne interview from FANDOM CONFIDENTIAL #1]
%%
"Hey!  I've got a TERRIFIC idea! Let's go visit JOHN BYRNE!"

	     "Hey, yeah!  Everyone loves fanzines with JOHN
	      BYRNE in them!"

"This'll be GREAT! Maybe he'll say something about HOMOS!"

[Chuck and Jim anticipate the John Byrne interview]
%%
"[New York] is the place where if you have talent, and you believe in
 yourself, and you show people what you can do, then some day, maybe
 -- just maybe -- you could get shoved in front of a moving subway
 train."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"What was the name of the dog on the `Brady Bunch'?"
	     "...Florence Henderson?"
[Unknown]
%%
"Wow!  Death by Stereo!"
[One of the Vampire-hunters from THE LOST BOYS]
%%
Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
[DAVID LETTERMAN!]
%%
Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.
[DAVID LETTERMAN!]
%%
Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
[DAVID LETTERMAN!]
%%
"DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU ARE COMING WITH ME."
[ROBOCOP]
%%
"I *LIKE* IT!!"
[Deliquent w/cannon in ROBOCOP]
%%
"...And I want a new car... And I want the city to pay for it all!"

	     "What kind of a car, Miller?"

"Something with reclining leather seats that goes really fast and gets
 really shitty gas mileage."

[Frustrated city official from ROBOCOP]
%%
"Murphy, I'm a mess!"
		     "That's OK.  They'll fix you. They fix
		      everything."
[Robocop]
%%
"Boy, this would make a great TV series..."
[A vagrant TV executive, from CROSSFIRE]
%%
"A scarred psyche is like a used Pinto... you can't do anything with it."
-- David Addison
%%
"Is there anyone on this ship who even...  remotely... resembles
 Satan, Mr. Spock?"
[Captain Kirk picks on Mr. Spock again]
%%
"We call it SHADOWNET!  Pretty cool, eh?"
[A delinquent hacker talks to the Shadow]
%%
"But that's the way of *all* flesh, ennit?"
[John Constantine, boy psychic investigator]
%%
"I see Liberace in a white ermine coat."

	     "That's right, Riley Thorp!  And I've got
	      five more at home just like it."

[Liberace returns from the dead in a bar.  From BADGER]
%%
"I know this creature.  He is the EMBODIMENT of EVIL -- decades ago,
 his machinations often brought the world to the *BRINK* of chaos!"

	     "Hey -- people change!"

[The Shadow and associates discuss Shiwan Khan.	 From THE SHADOW]
%%
"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say
 what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
"Hello again, Peabody here..."
[The opening lines to almost every episode of PEABODY & SHERMAN]
%%
"Discussing whether Black and White comics will survive is like asking
 whether sex will survive AIDS."
-- Will Eisner
%%
"Color is like an orchestra playing behind a singer too loud."
-- Will Eisner
%%
"I'd like to ask Gary [Groth] to say something nasty about this."
-- Will Eisner
%%
"Expanding a comic line just to gain market share is like... Marvel."
-- Harlan Ellison
%%
"No, no, no, NO!  Perverts are hired by MARVEL!"
-- Harlan Ellison
%%
"I am absolutely without flaw, and don't you f***ing forget it!"
-- Harlan Ellison
%%
"We'll learn about Euro-Communism -- That's communists who drive Porches."
-- Howard Chaykin
%%
"It's the best thing since professional golfers on 'ludes."
-- Rick Obidiah
%%
"We've repackaged Flagg.  Basically, it's gonna look like a box of Tide."
-- Howard Chaykin
%%
"Almost all Eskimo jokes have the same punch line -- You know,
 he fell through the ice and died."
-- Larry Marder
%%
"College... what a *disgusting* place."
[An observant quote from BEANS BAXTER]
%%
"Captain America."
		     "Revamp him?  Make him a Commie or something?"

-- Mike Grell and Mark Gruenwald
%%
"OK, but be careful. In my experience, Republican women are harder to
 open than a liquor store in Nebraska."
[Teddy's, err, Charlie's Angels spoof on SNL]
%%
"...in MAUS it wouldn't have been valid to have the Nazis land in a
 flying saucer."

	"I was thinking of that."

		       "But it had been done before, right, Art?"

-- Elliot S! Maggin, Art Spiegelman, and Lee Mars, respectively
%%
"Well, social relevance is a schtick, like mysteries, social
 relevance, science fiction..."
-- Art Spiegelman
%%
"...it's just what usually happens is propaganda from the right is
 perceived as actuality, and propaganda from the left is perceived as
 propaganda..."
-- Art Spiegelman
%%
"Pesky foreign espionage agents!  Why don't they let me be?"
[Lester Girls, lamenting on the lot of the Secret Agent]
%%
"Listen, how about if you hit me instead, and then my niece can
 finally see how two grown men can fit into an aspirin bottle."
[Maggie's Aunt (the wrestler) with some advice for the youth of America]
%%
"Dick... YOU'RE FIRED!"
	*POW* *POW* *POW*
[The kind of executive order that REALLY results in termination.  From ROBOCOP]
%%
"Nice shooting, son.  What's your name?"
	     "MURPHY."
[From ROBOCOP]
%%
"Welcome to Chicago. This town stinks like a whorehouse at low tide."
[Sean Connery comments on The Windy City in THE UNTOUCHABLES]
%%
"Mr. Ness!  I do not approve of your methods."
	     "Yeah?  Well, you're not from Chicago."
[THE UNTOUCHABLES]
%%
"Before I begin, I'd like to recite the Lawyer's Prayer:

	Lord, please let there be strife and misery among your people,
	Lest your servant starve..."

[Clonezone takes on lawyers, from BADGER]
%%
"Sir, if you'd pay ATTENTION instead of writing your signature in
 drool on the table, you'd know."
[Clonezone takes on lawyers, from BADGER]
%%
"You might have hidden diplomatic talents."
	     "God, I hope not."
[Sundra and Horatio, from NEXUS]
%%
"I'm on a mission from Grodd."
[An MTV gorilla, from SWAMP THING]
%%
"Awh!  Mothra!"
[SWAMP THING]
%%
"THE VEIDT METHOD:
	I will give you bodies beyond your wildest imaginings."
[Another piece of Moore irony in WATCHMEN]
%%
"...and the world's smartest man means no more to me than its smartest
 termite."
[Dr. Manhattan against Adrian Veidt, in WATCHMEN]
%%
"No. Not even in the face of Armageddon.  Never compromise."
[Rorschach's only, fatal principle, from WATCHMEN]
%%
"American comic books are militaristic propaganda!  And much too
 expensive!"
[Well, they are!  From THE AMERICAN]
%%
"Yeah... *cough*... that's right... rub it in...  *cough*... offed by
 a non-stick coating..."
[From THE AMERICAN]
%%
"Hey, gimme five dollars!"
		     "Kid, does the name Bernhard Goetz mean
		      anything to you?"
[From THE AMERICAN]
%%
"If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead show, and lined them
 up, they'd stretch halfway to the moon and back... and none of them
 would be complaining."
[Local Deadhead from THE SEATTLE TIMES]
%%
"You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not
 be human."
-- Hobbes
%%
"You READ this article, Mom?"
	     "Damn it!	Get your gunboats off my kitchen table!"
[Those crazy aviators from VALKYRIE!]
%%
"And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb."
[One of the two funny jokes in SPACEBALLS]
%%
"Jack Putter... TO THE RESCUE!"
[Martin Short, adventurer, from the conclusion of INNER SPACE]
%%
"Oh, relax -- enjoy it!  When do you ever use opposable thumbs,
 anyway?"
[Max looks at the silver lining, in ZOT!]
%%
"Max, did you order a talking monkey for this set?"
	     "No, that's just a friend of the family."
[Alternate Earth videos, from ZOT!]
%%
"MR. DeGUZMAN, YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!"

	     "That's Harris.  DeGuzman is math."

"BAH!  They're ALL scoundrels..."

[Zack, looking desperately for evil, from ZOT!]
%%
"Enough of this running shit."
[Sean Connery on chase scenes, from THE UNTOUCHABLES]
%%
"They only have two rules in the whole school: One, you're not allowed
 to carry a gun, and two, you're not allowed to walk on the roof."
-- Reed College rugby coach Peter Carmine
%%
"What, in my life, does not deserve celebrating?"
[Adrian Veidt's soliloquy to his late retinue, from WATCHMEN]
%%
"No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world.  I
 just wish it wasn't this one."
[Veidt's key phrase, from WATCHMEN]
%%
"Riley, can you operate a road grader?"

	     "Of COURSE!  What kind of a question is that?"

[What kind of a question IS that?  A normal BADGER question, of course...]
%%
"Oh... what's the easiest way to explain a coven..."

		     "A secret meeting place for vampires."

"Why, yes.  That's it. Thank you."

[Terminology and the vampire, from HERO SANDWICH]
%%
"Hello, Laughing Academy?  Please to send zee Viggy Vagon to..."
	     "Richard, please..."
[The elastic joker from HERO SANDWICH]
%%
"No time to fill our pockets, Hempy!  Looks like Harrod's and drug
 addictions for us after all."

		     "Blast!  I was hoping to avoid that."

[Hempy's fate looks grim in DINOSAUR REX]
%%
"...so, like everybody was rooted to the spot.  He picked up a little
 girl, and like, we'd all seen FRANKENSTEIN, right?  It was
 scary.	 Then he sits her on his shoulder, an' everybody laughs and
 claps. Man...

"Man, that was the *best*.  Best moment of my life."

[Chester, a social and cultural rarity: a good man.  From SWAMP THING]
%%
"This guy, North... does he ever get out of his car?"
[Local Seattle Comic]
%%
"In a blatant effort to curry favor with a French judge and jury,
 accused Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie told a stunned courtroom in
 Lyon this week that his favorite movie has always been `The Nutty
 Professor'."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%%
"Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers cancellation, ABC has
 canceled `Our World', which featured Linda Ellerbee.  The two
 unemployed women plan to get together and open up a chain of charm
 schools in Libya."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%%
TO THE CLASS OF 1987:

"Unfortunately, a full 16% of you will be functionally illiterate.
 I'm afraid you'll have a hard row to hoe in the job market; after
 all, there are only so many staff positions at USA Today."

-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
"Since he's been in the White House, President Reagan has gotten two
 hearing aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, prostate surgery, and
 he's been shot.

"And we, the American People, should always remember these things...
 because he won't."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%%
"The Washington Post reported yesterday that Jim Bakker had been seen
 in the PTL steam room frolicking nude with three other naked men; and
 that a neglected Tammy Fay had had her breasts enlarged, hoping for a
 Marilyn Monroe image.
 
"The collected Bakker history should inspire us all to become true
 believers in a supreme higher power that made sure, out of the five
 billion people in this world, that these two creeps found each
 other."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%%
"I... AM NOT... A PACIFIST!"
[An angry defensive back explains to rednecks, in AMAZING GRACE AND CHUCK]
%%
"Justice, like lightning, should ever appear
 To some people, hope, and to other ones, fear."
[A slightly changed version of Tony Isabella's opening lines to BLACK
 LIGHTNING]
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Nov. 19th:

 White House spokesman Larry Speakes tries to clarify the Iran Arms
 deal further but no reporters show up because they're afraid they'll
 wet their pants laughing.
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- August 3rd:

 Working in dark, cold and treacherous currents far beneath the
 surface of North Atlantic water lashed by Tropical Storm Dwayne R.
 LePoon Jr., divers for the first time are able to get an "underwater
 eye" camera inside the wreck of the Titanic and discover that the
 ill-fated luxury liner had been operated by financially troubled
 Eastern Air Lines.
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- June 29th:

 President Reagan announces that the SALT II treaty is "dead" and that
 he will continue to abide by it. White House press spokesman Larry
 Speakes clarifies this by explaining that the president "has no idea
 what he is saying."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- June 14th:

 Eight concerned parents in rural Georgia sue the local school
 district for teaching their children the alphabet, which can be used
 to form dirty words.
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- June 2nd:

 Canada demands that Libya send it some diplomats so it can expel them.
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- May 10th:

 The official Soviet news agency Tass releases a photograph of a city
 street scene, with the caption: "All is well as citizens of Chernobyl
 are resuming normal activities." Clearly visible in the background is
 the Vatican.
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Apr. 25th:

 True Fact: The U.S. Government arrest 17 people for allegedly
 attempting to sell arms to Iran.  This item will seem much funnier
 later on.
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Apr. 11th:

 After aerial reconnaissance photographs reveal that Moammar
 el-Gadhafi is building a 375-foot-high middle finger near the highly
 strategic Gulf of Sidra, an angry President Reagan directs massive
 bombing raids against various site in Liberia.  Worldwide reaction to
 the U.S. raids is mixed, the major criticism being that the president
 probably meant to attack Libya, which SOUNDS like "Liberia," but is
 actually a different country.  U.S. polls show that 87% of Americans
 support the president and think they "probably would have made the
 same mistake."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Mar. 20th:

 Kurt Waldheim issues a statement claiming that he missed World War II
 because of "car trouble."
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Mar. 6th:

 In the Middle East, Iraq uses up all its young men and has to borrow
 some from Iran so they can keep having a war.
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Feb. 20th:

 President Reagan visits the island of Grenada to commemorate the U.S.
 victory over communist Cuban troops armed with sophisticated
 construction equipment. Thousands of cheering Grenadans turn out to
 watch Air Force One gracefully touch down, then swoop back up into
 the sky because Grenada is too short for an actual landing.
%%
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Feb. 17th:

 Under the careful scrutiny of crack State Department observers,
 Filipino voters re-elect President Ferdinand Marcos by more than 600
 billion votes. Marcos, in a conciliatory mood, calls for "a time of
 healing" followed by "a time of giving people powerful electrical
 shocks in their private parts."
%%
Favorite Tabloid Headlines:

* Baby born with winning lotto ticket
* Princess Di to become an American
* Elvis' face appears in Maytag window during rinse cycle
* Bigfoot ate my twins
* Jane Wyman: "Life with Ron prepared me for 'Falcon Crest' role"
* Why Mr. T. sleeps with a night-light
* Exclusive: Why Pulitzer panel shuns tabloids

[Extracted from a rec.humor article]
%%
"What *are* you doing up there, Reg?"

	     "Being heroic, Dom.  It was my turn."

[Blank Reg, being just that.  From MAX HEADROOM]
%%
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
[Mark Twain]
%%
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:

	 The quality of a champagne is judged by the
	 amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
%%
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
-- William Gilbert
%%
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:

	 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.	If
	 everything did, you'd be out of a job.
%%
Putt's Law:

Technology is dominated by two types of people:
	Those who understand what they do not manage.
	Those who manage what they do not understand.
%%
Pohl's law: 
	 Nothing is so good that somebody,
	 somewhere, will not hate it.
%%
	Oh, when I was in love with you,
	    Then I was clean and brave,
	And miles around the wonder grew
	    How well did I behave.
	
	And now the fancy passes by,
	    And nothing will remain,
	And miles around they'll say that I
	    Am quite myself again.
	
-- A. E. Housman
%%
"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand."
-- James Watt
%%
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
[Gloria Steinhem]
%%
"I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases
 of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed
 interstate commerce."
-- J. Edgar Hoover
%%
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
 can't happen."
-- Young Richard Nixon on Teapot Dome scandal
%%
"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
 watch him have another."
[Anon. fortune]
%%
[Fundamentalist] Christian:

	One who believes that the New Testament is a
	divinely inspired book admirably suited to
	the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

[Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY]
%%
"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
 what it is I'll get married again."
-- Clint Eastwood
%%
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
	"Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of
	 Western Civilization?"
Gandhi:
	"I think it would be a good idea."
%%
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
-- Dorothy Parker
%%
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when
they grow up, they will never be able to edge their car onto a
freeway.
[Anon. fortune]
%%
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
[Anon. fortune]
%%
Honorable:	    

	Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.
	In legislative bodies, it is customary to
	mention all members as honorable; as, "the
	honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."

[Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY]
%%
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
	Experience is directly proportional to the
	amount of equipment ruined.
%%
Harvard Law:
	Under the most rigorously controlled
	conditions of pressure, temperature, volume,
	humidity, and other variables, the organism
	will do as it damn well pleases.
%%
Mad: 
	Affected with a high degree of intellectual
	independence...

[Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY]
%%
Monday: 

	In Christian countries, the day after the
	football game.

[paraphrased from Ambose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
 -- he used baseball instead]
%%
When uncertain or in doubt,
Run in circles!	 Scream and shout!
[Dorable]
%%
"President Reagan has advised the youth of America that it is a good
 idea to practice total abstinence from sex.  And that is a good
 suggestion, Mr. President... now tell it to the Marines."
-- Mark Russell
%%
"Well... everybody's being very careful, these days, sexually, but
 there are still several pockets of promiscuity... the Marines and the
 Evangelists."
-- Mark Russell
%%
"I get all these stories mixed up, the headlines come so fast...  the
 money, the money that the Rev.  Jim Bakker allegedly gave to that
 church secretary: I want to know how much of that money went to the
 Contras in Nicuraugua and I want to know NOW!"
-- Mark Russell
%%
"I suppose that for the next year-and-a-half the stock market will
 shoot way up every time Howard Baker walks out of the Oval Office and
 says, `He's alert today!'"
-- Mark Russell
%%
"`JUST A ROBOT?!'  How would you like it if I called you `Just a Jew?'"
[Luthor the robot loses his temper in AMERICAN FLAGG!]
%%
"No FLACK!  No HASSLES!  No morons playing AL CAPONE in the lobby!"
[Liz discusses the advantages of being a CPA in FORTUNE'S FRIENDS: Hell Week]
%%
"Where I come from, equality of the sexes is a given -- so WE can hit
 ANYONE."
		     "Oh... thank you... SO much... for explainnnn..."

[24th century manners, courtesty of THE JUSTICE LEAGUE]
%%
"He'd make a fine addition to the team, Batman... if only he wasn't so
 lacking in energy and enthusiasm."

		     "We'll have to get him to work on that."

[24th century manners, courtesty of THE JUSTICE LEAGUE]
%%
"Splendid villain!  Very exuberant!"
[Uncle Max rates criminals in ZOT!]
%%
"Maybe you were right...  maybe I don't belong here."

	     "Yeah, well, *I* do! YOU showed me that."

[A truly moving sequence from ZOT!]
%%
"For my own part, regret nothing.  Have lived life, free from
 compromise... and step into the shadow now without complaint."
[Rorschach takes a rare look backward, from WATCHMEN]
%%
"I simply cannot ride in a car that says, "Women's Transit Authority"
 on the side."
[The Badger discusses the proprieties of driving in BADGER]
%%
"I cook with gas, I ride in tractors,
 I drink with deceased movie actors."
[Badger Rap, from BADGER]
%%
"Now then.  This is the situation.  Roaches.  Millions of roaches
 acting together under the direction of a human.  Like me!  Or Burt
 Reynolds!"
[One man and 50,000 rats against an army of Roaches.  BADGER]
%%
"Stand by to be impressed."
[Lucifer tries to blow this joint.  From STIG'S INFERNO]
%%
"Sorry... Mort Weisinger got the better of me for a sec."
[A moment of panick due to the Plasma Monkeys.	From STIG'S INFERNO]
%%
"I imagine you've guessed by now that these big explosion panels are
 nothing more than an obvious method of *greatly* reducing my
 penciling time."
[Ty Templeton footnotes how he Draws Comics.  From STIG'S INFERNO]
%%
"What's this?  Your way of saying you're sorry?"

		     "No... it's my way of trying not to."

[Good writing from CROSSFIRE]
%%
"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a barnyard
 animal, and it's not central to my case?!"

		     "Not in California."

[Arnie Becker discusses marital infidelities on L.A. LAW]
%%
"Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right
 combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color
 and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt."
[From THE CHOCOLATE BOOK]
%%
The New IBM PERSONAL SYSTEM COMPUTERS: 
	 Engineered...	by Lawyers
[Jeff Meyer]
%%
Michael O'Donoghue on Louise Lasser's SNL hosting:

	"She was a nice woman going through a few
	 problems, but I wanted to force her to eat
	 her goddam pigtails at gunpoint."

-- "Saturday Night", Hill & Weingrad
%%
Michael O'Donoghue's letter to Mademoiselle Magazine:

	"Dear Editors:
	 I couldn't help but be a bit irked when I
	 noticed that you and [photographer] Duane
	 Michals had cropped my head out of the
	 photograph  that appears on page 121 of
	 your March issue.  I'd like to come over
	 there and kick every one of you in the cunt
	 if I didn't think it would ruin my shine.

			Michael O'Donoghue"

-- "Saturday Night", Hill & Weingrad
%%
"But now I am what I am today!  A responsible citizen, and besides
 that... I packs a rod!"
[BULLET CROW discusses gun control]
%%
"I'm the luckiest rabbit in the WORLD!  I'm going to work for you, my
 hero... DICK DUCK, DUCK DICK!"
[A slight mistake in BULLET CROW]
%%
"Hmmm... volcanic activity in the greater Sioux City area."
[Weather conditions in BULLET CROW]
%%
"Hi. I'm Luther.  Dumb ol' Luther -- the happy sidekick.  The comedy
 relief.  And I'm going to kill you."
[Luthor's cybernetic logic finally gives, in AMERICAN FLAGG!]
%%
	"And the Angel of the Lord dropped upon him,
	 yea verily, saying:
		My left hand carries iron,
		The right one steel.
		If the left don't gitcha,
		Then the right one will."
[The Preacher gives his slightly warped version of scriptures, from GRIMJACK]
%%
"...you thought you were alone, but you see, there's monsters
 everywhere.  Most of the time, ya don't even need Gamma rays to let
 'em out."
[Philosophy from THE HULK]
%%
"To live outside the law, you must be honest."
-- Bob Dylan
%%
"I love America.  Electricity right from the wall, anytime you want it."
[A Central American torturer discusses convenience, from THE PUNISHER]
%%
"And God help whoever gets in our way!"

		     "Dimitri...?"
"YES, Alexi?"
		     "We're not supposed to believe in God." 
"Oh. That's right."

[Faux pas on the part of some Russian Super-Soldiers, from THE JUSTICE
 LEAGUE]
%%
"Merry Christmas, scumwad."
[Norm Buntz's jolly wish to Belker's assailant on HILL STREET BLUES]
%%
"That's the trouble with godhood: it robs you of your finer judgement.
 A deity so rarely has to *pay* for his mistakes!"
[The Midgard Serpent analyzes mythic concepts...]
%%
"...while heroes... heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity!
 Thus are legends born!"
[...and THOR analyzes right back]
%%
"HONK!  HONK!"
[The BADGER in moralistic turpitude]
%%
"Yes!  The Animals! Possibly the greatest band ever.  Possibly not."
[The BADGER]
%%
"And look... don't threaten the customers.  They don't eat as much."

	     "I'll keep it in mind."

[Jezebel Jade comments on American service organizations, in JONNY QUEST]
%%
"But you don't UNDERSTAND.  I've been doing this for years
 now.	There's a flash of light.  And I'm on another planet."

	     "Yeah... Yeah, I sometimes get that."

[Adam Strange attempts to explain his lifestyle, in SWAMP THING]
%%
"Conquest."
	     "I had a premonition he was going to say that."

[Cerebus -- who else?]
%%
"But... surely, your merciful Holiness... SOME should be exempt from
 such a draft?"

		"EXEMPT?!
		 ...
		 Oh, all *right*. No DEAD people."

[Cerebus -- who else?]
%%
"'Wit smoke and fire and fumes an' what-not comin' outta dere
 nostrils... dey rep'esent youah virility... Likewise wit' d'enormous
 bulge in y'pants here."
[Portrait of a dictator... CEREBUS]
%%
McDonald's new McSUSHI:
	"America's Eating It Raw!"
[SNL]
%%
"...for we have Vim... for we have Vigor...  for we have Advanced
 Nuclear Weaponry!"
[BULLET CROW's usual banter]
%%
"Elektra.  Over there.  It's a flying dwarf."
[Strange doings in ELEKTRA: ASSASSIN]
%%
"...you see, he thinks I'm crazy.  And I'm the President. So I've got
 the box. Damn Straight."
[The hilarious conclusion to ELEKTRA]
%%
"Calling all units! Leading monster stampede through the bottomlands
 to lower forty!... Set up ambush on flanks!... Also, do not shoot
 me!...  Repeat!... Do not shoot me!!!"
[FLAMING CARROT vs the Giant Japanese Monsters!]
%%
"That Flaming Carrot is a real fire-eater!... He'd charge Hell with a
 bucket of gasoline!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"I shot 'em in the ears and blew their brains out!  I invented that!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"You know monsters...  they're ALWAYS eating power stations!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"Hey, Flaming Carrot!...  What makes you so brave?"

	     "It's my birthday.	 Now get outta here!"

[FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
[George Carlin]
%%
"It is better to shred the bugger than to bugger the shredder."
-- Ancient Doltic proverb.
%%
"Taking drugs in the 60s, I tried to reach Nirvana, But all I ever got
 were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club."
--Rev. Jim
%%
"The unique thing about the whole 'Masters of the Universe' concept is
 that it combines sword and sorcery with high tech, so you've got guys
 in armor wielding swords, but they're also equipped with lasers."
-- Gary Doddard, director of 'He-Man'
%%
"Because he's a character who's looking for his own identity, [He-Man
 is] an interesting role for an actor."
-- Dolph Lundgren, actor[?!]
%%
"She got drunker, and drunker... and then she became Joan Collins!"
-- HANNAH AND HER SISTERS
%%
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again."
-- HANNAH AND HER SISTERS
%%
"How the hell do I know why there are Nazis? I don't know why the can
 opener works."
-- HANNAH AND HER SISTERS
%%
"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core."
-- Hannah Arendt.
%%
Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi.
[Translation: What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.]
[Ancient Phrase]
%%
"AMERICA'S CUP FACT: Most of the people obsessed with the America's
 cup are trendy jerks who hadn't even heard of it a year ago."
-- Dennis Miller
%%
"BEWARE, EVILDOERS, WHEREVER YOU ARE!"
-- The Masked Avenger
%%
"Y'know, the world would be a beautiful place if it certain people
 weren't in it."
-- RADIO DAYS
%%
"I distrust a man who says when.  If he's got to be careful not to
 drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does."
-- Sidney Greenstreet, THE MALTESE FALCON
%%
"I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to
 talk and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do
 judiciously, unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if
 you like.  I'll tell you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a
 man who likes to talk."
-- Sidney Greenstreet, THE MALTESE FALCON
%%
"You may be right, my faithful Indian companion."
-- RADIO DAYS
%%
"Boy -- LOOKIT DEM GUNS!"
[Lustfull father in MR. MONSTER]
%%
"Gosh, Mr. Monster...  You're SWELL!  I wanna be jus' like you when I
 grow up!"
		     "Ha Ha!  Well... OF COURSE you do!"

[A sentimental moment in MR. MONSTER]
%%
"Hideous creatures from other dimensions!  What'll I do?  What'll I DO?!"
[The BADGER considers an everyday problem]
%%
"You'd think IBOB would forgive and forget the seventeen guys I
 chopped up in Nepal. But NOOOOOOOO..."
[The BADGER]
%%
"Hope this is the RIGHT guy!"
[The BADGER]
%%
"This is the type of situation where your personal health insurance
 really comes into focus."
[The IBOB demon from THE BADGER]
%%
"BACK, spawn of Satan!  It's the Reverend Wallace Wallop you face, and
 my strength is GREAT, for I do HIS work! This is a battery-powered
 water pistol filled with HOLY WATER!  We don't hold with the Papacy,
 but Lord, LORD -- that Pope can bless water like NOBODY'S business!"

		     "Rambo him good in the name of the Lord."

[The Rev. Wallace Wallop (and the Missus) dispatch yet another Hellspawn]
%%
"The sixties were good to you, weren't they?"
-- George Carlin
%%
[From Prince Ra-Man's predictions for 1987]

 3/29/86:  Marvel continues to prove that the New
	      Universe is more true-to-life, by
	      canceling three of the titles -- just
	      as would happen to *real* comic books
	      that are incredibly bad.

 4/2/86:   Rebounding from the demise of the
	      three New Universe titles, Marvel
	      announces that they will be replaced
	      by three new mini-series set to run in
	      the second half of the year: X-Men vs.
	      the G.I. Joes, X-Men vs. the Ewoks,
	      and X-Men vs. Jarvis the Butler. 
-- R. A. Jones
%%
"How dare they jail me!  Those freedom-loving American JERKS!"
[Godless Commie Scientist from ATOMIC MAN COMICS]
%%
"Who could be attacking me in my own home?  Egor Green?  Galxor of
 Xaytan?  Horrortroy the DevilDog? Dr. Stardust?  Bug Boy?  Or some
 new bozo with a bad attitude?"
[Atomic Man!]
%%
"Well, we must face a new reality.  No more carefree days of chasing
 squirrels, running through the park, or howling at the moon.  On the
 other hand, no more `Fetch the stick, boy, fetch the stick.'"
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
%%
"Thunderstick?...  You actually said `Thunderstick'?...	That, my
 friend, is a Winchester 30.06."
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
%%
"Really, I'm confident that when all the facts are in, you'll see that
 there's no cause for interdepartmental tension..."

	     "THIS before breakfast..."

[A disembodied head from ELEKTRA: ASSASSIN]
%%
"I've heard all kinds of sounds from these things, but `yabba dabba
 doo' was a new one to me."
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
%%
"Notice all the computations, theoretical scribblings, and lab
 equipment, Norm. ... Yes, curiosity killed these cats."
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
%%
"Sure, I'll draw, mister -- but first you gotta say the magic word...
 Didn't your mother ever teach you the magic word?"
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
%%
"A cat killer?  Is that a face of a cat killer? Cat CHASER,
 maybe.	But hey -- who isn't?"
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
%%
"Well, Mr. Cody, according to our questionnaire, you would probably
 excel in sales, advertising, slaughtering a few thousand buffalo, or
 market research."
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
%%
"Remember me, Mr. Schneider? Kenya, 1947.  If you're going to shoot an
 elephant, Mr. Schneider, you better be prepared to finish the job."
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
%%
"What IS a `moderate Iranian', anyway? Someone who takes hostages but
 doesn't eat them?"
-- Mark Russell
%%
"Badger, what kind of amplifier should I get?"

	     "A BIG one."

[The Badger giving out Hi-Fi advice]
%%
"Oh, No!  My heart is racing!  The metamorphosis has started!  It's
 too late -- I can't stop it!  I'll be that ugly green monster --
 hated and hunted! I'm...

		    I'm...
			    I'm GUMBY, Dammit!"
[From BOFFO LAUGHS]
%%
"A keyboard... how quaint."
[Engineer Scott gives his considered opinion of a Macintosh -- Star Trek IV]
%%
"I liketh a band that playeth the oldies."
-- David Addison
%%
"I've been kicking Reagan all the time he's been up; I see no reason
 to stop now that he's down."
-- Jeff Meyer
%%
"So you're from outer space!"

	     "Actually, I'm from Iowa; I just WORK in outer space."

[Captain Kirk on careers -- Star Trek IV]
%%
[Lester Maddox talking to Prime Minister Botha of South Africa]

"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million
 black people, and 3 million white people.

"Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything to you?"

-- Robin Williams
%%
"Dan, you risked your LIFE for cheap sex?"
	     "You say that as if it were a bad thing."
[Harry and Dan from NIGHT COURT]
%%
 Frank Miller and Lynn Varley's Christmas wish:

"We would like to have Jerry Falwell, Lyndon LaRouche, and Pat
 Robertson chained to a radiator while Harlan Ellison reads them the
 U.S.  Constitution."

[From THE COMIC BUYER'S GUIDE, a Christmas wish from two of the creators of
 DARK KNIGHT]
%%
"Well, Chas, it's like this... I'm under psychic domination by a ninja
 assassin with magic powers with a body almost as good as yours who
 needs to kill Ken Wind because he's possessed by a demon.  How've you
 been?"

[Agent Garret tries to summarize his situation to a colleague...
 from ELEKTRA]
%%
"A gentleman representing a Slavic country has offered me $100 million
 to destroy the American wheat crop. What do you say?"

	     "You don't crap where you sleep."

[Ham presents THE BADGER with an economic enigma...]
%%
		"No heavy pitch!
		 No lame digression!
		 We're at the peak
		 Of our profession!"

[Jaques expounds on CLONEZONE's skills as a video tech]
%%
"Because I live in the hearts and minds of everyone who believes in
 TRUTH, JUSTICE and THE AMERICAN WAY.  And that is bigger than
 you.	Bigger than anyone who tries to make me in their own image."
[From THE MAN OF RUST]
%%
"You have to ask.  Just once in your life, you have to ask."
-- Irwin Bernstein
[A truism from the long-suffering DA on HILL STREET BLUES
 (played by George Wyner)]
%%
 FLUKE MINUTE SAFETY TEST:

 In case of fire, save the
 a.  women and children.
 b.  expensive equipment.
 c.  jewelry and wallets of those who've succumbed to smoke inhalation.

[Originally a part of a Sane Man quiz -- I abscounded with it]
%%
"None of you understand.  I'm not locked up in here with you.  YOU'RE
 locked up in here with ME."
[Rorschach sets people straight.  WATCHMEN #6]
%%
"Even in 1956, when informed of his mother's brutal murder, he
 restricted his comments to one word: `Good.'"
[From the medical report on Rorschach.	WATCHMEN #6]
%%
"Bumbling?  BUMBLING?  You can't even speak English, and you're
 INSULTING people?"
[An angry accountant from MERC]
%%
"What mistakes have you made, Lieutenant? You kept the media away from
 it.  That's the bottom line, isn't it?  Yes it is."
[Lt. Gordon gets a lecture on departmental priorities.	From BATMAN: YEAR 1]
%%
"All I want to do is read ONE good comic book before I go COMPLETELY blind!"
[The GNATRAT complains again...]
%%
"This guy wants to be in the White House because Jesus told him.
 Jesus woke him up and went: `Pssst.  Pat.  Pat. Yeah, it's Jesus,
 man. Hey, hey, I want you to run for president.'"
-- Sam Kinison
%%
"It's like: `JESUS TOLD ME TO!  NOW WHAT?'"
-- Sam Kinison
%%
"You know, I remember when the Lord spoke to me and said to go into
 radio.  And that was about the time Jesus said 'Expand your ministry
 into the television area.'  And that was about the time Jesus spoke
 to me and said to put out a satellite so the government couldn't
 control our transmissions.  And it was about that time that Jesus
 came to me and begin to explain to me the non-profit corporation
 principle.  Yeah, and then Jesus told me to build an amusement park,
 it would be non-profit.  YAH!" [rude gesture]
-- Sam Kinison
%%
	"A-B-C-D-E-F-G,
	 Sell your story to TV,
	 How you turned in Mom & Dad --
	 Wasn't Mrs. Reagan glad?"
-- Mark Russell
%%
Robin Williams on engineering majors:
"We don't get laid much, but we're building the future."
%%
"This is no time to act like a gentleman.  I am a cad and shall react
 like one."
-- George Sanders
%%
"What a bonanza!  An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a
 script by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two
 superstars, Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by
 both of them!"
-- David Niven, BRING ON THE EMPTY HORSES
%%
"I thought I told you to SHUT UP!"
-- Reid Fleming, World's Toughest Milkman
%%
"WHO'S TARIM, NECROSS!!?"
		     "NO!  PLEASE!  I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE GOLD!
		      EVERY COIN!"
"*WHO*?!"
		     "YOU ARE!	**YOU**!"
"damn right."

[CEREBUS and The Big Stone Guy go at it...]
%%
"Sorority girls!  I'll get you sorority girls!"

	     "Nah...."

[Christine tries to find a substitute for the obligation
 she owes Dan -- from NIGHT COURT]
%%
"You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer."
-- Robin Williams
%%
"This... this is a great pig."
[Ham expresses his appreciation in THE BADGER]
%%
"Don't believe a word she says, Monsieur!  The sheep, they are all LIARS!"
[A French citizen attempting to dissuade THE BADGER]
%%
"Bah!  You can't make a sow's ear out of a cheap thug!"
[Ham re-iterates one of Circe's old complaints in THE BADGER]
%%
Who says you can't have it all?
	a. Michelob Light.
	b. Heidegger.
	c. The IRS.
-- A sane man
%%
"He didn't run for reelection.  `Politics brings you into contact with
 all the people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying
 home.'"
-- Garrison Keillor, LAKE WOBEGONE DAYS
%%
"And I'm a respected psychiatrist!"
[Frasier Crane discussing homicidal tendencies towards Diane
 to Sam on CHEERS]
%%
"That man makes Rambo look like Pee-Wee Herman."
[The description of SLEDGE HAMMER]
%%
"Hiyo God Damn Silver."
[Oliver Queen in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS]
%%
"She has decades-- *decades*, left to her..."
[Wayne comments on Robin in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS]
%%
"Who *was* that spud?  Talks like my dad."

     "He used to fight crime."

[Robin and Wayne discuss Oliver in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS]
%%
"Nothing we can't handle, folks.  We're still America... and I'm still
 President."
[Ronnie Regan as Mr. Reassuring in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS]
%%
"Isn't tonight a school night?"
[Superman asks an interrogative of a traunt Robin in a tank in
 THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS]
%%
"You gotta be cruel to be kind..."
[Nick Lowe]
%%
"Oh, dear Heavens, it's -- *gasp* -- the ROGUES!"

	     "Lovely reading, Elvira... you should
	      have gone into theatre."

[Those experts from the Institute for Hyper-Normal Conflicts, in BLUE DEVIL]
%%
"Hi. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name
 and number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will
 implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of
 the F.B.I... BEEEP."
[And the Devil Himself, from BLUE DEVIL]
%%
"He's our leader!  The wisest of us all!  At least, that's what my
 parents always say."
[Just another misguided super-ape from BLUE DEVIL]
%%
"Look at that!  It's AMAZING!"

	     "You're right!  How does he manage to speak and
	      blow the pipe at the SAME TIME?!"

[And DC continuity is wrecked again in BLUE DEVIL]
%%
"And *this* -- this is for losing my new luggage, you SLIMEBALL!"
[Race Bannon finally loses his temper in JONNY QUEST]
%%
"DAMMIT, MacAlistaire...  you'll *live* longer in civilization."

	     "Jest seems longer."

[MacAlistaire and the poet part (finally) in Journey]
%%
"You FIEND! What have you done with Daisy?"

	     "You IDIOT!  She's arranging transportation
	      to France!"

"You TROGLADYTE!  What's in France?"

	     "Truffles, you demented bandicoot!"

[Badger and Ham having a Tiff... in THE BADGER]
%%
"You think this hat is stupid?"
[Another stylistic MERC...]
%%
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the
 library?"
-- Lily Tomlin
%%
"Thank you for flying U.S.A.F. We hope that you will consider us again
 when your travel plans next include bombing Tripoli."
[Anonymous Netter]
%%
"He who uses an 8088 will be reincarnated as one."
[Anonymous Netter]
%%
"I think we should stop looking for issues to discuss.  I think we
 should shut up and get to work."
-- Howard Chaykin
%%
"I use more sex than violence 'cause I know more about it."
-- Howard Chaykin
%%
"In a few years, I think we'll be marketing Marvel Comics like
 computer software."
-- Archie Goodwin
%%
"Creative people all come in and want their stuff printed on gold
 leaf."
-- Jim Shooter
%%
"We all have the capability for a good idea. We should have the
 ability to protect them, and the wisdom to share them."
-- Jack Kirby
%%
"CRISIS erased the mistakes of the last 50 years.  It's up to us to
 make the mistakes for the NEXT 50 years."
-- Marvel Wolfman
%%
"It's really difficult to sympathize with someone who can bounce
 bullets off his chest."
-- Frank Miller
%%
"You must understand that I find The Batman a very noble character."
-- Frank Miller
%%
"Yes, it would be the easy way... but it wouldn't be the COWBOY way."
-- Ranger Doug
[From the musical group RANGERS IN THE SKY]
%%
"If I were going to create a New Universe, I'd rest on the seventh
 day."
-- Jack Kirby
%%
"Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword
 puzzles."
-- Howard Chaykin
%%
"Each Man must stand on his own!... Must answer to his own God!...  I
 will probably WIN though..."
-- Flaming Carrot
%%
"Brother against brother!... Friend against friend!! DENTIST against
 DENTIST!!!"
[Things go from bad to worse in FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"In fact, Life *itself* is looking  pretty meaningless, if not outright
 UGLY."
	     "`Hill Street Blues' into reruns again?"

[Milo and Binkley discuss enui... BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"Look at him!  Just *look* at him! What's he doing?"

	     "Scratching his head."

"...with his foot.  I quit!"

[... and Opus looks at wrestling.  BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"I am FLAMING CARROT!  Even best friends fear me a little!"
%%
"I am grim... and harsh... and ripe with fury!  I fight and kill and
 howl and get *all bloody*!  I go bowling whenever I want!"
[The Carrot's statements on life...]
%%
"Guess who's not hiding anymore? Ha-ha-ha!"
[...and fair play.  FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"Kid -- riding a buffalo is dangerous!  Keep the change and buy
 yourself a gravity knife and some fireworks."
[Sound advice from THE BADGER]
%%
"WHY!! It's the CULMINATION, son!  The NEXUS point!  The HOLE in the
 DONUT!  The EVENT of the MILLENIUM! The GREATEST story ever TOLD,
 son! And YOU, I say, YOU ARE THERE!"
[Elrod the Albino at a turnpike in history, in, ah say in, CEREBUS]
%%
"...and then, of course, there's what's-his-name... the one who lives
 in Metropolis."
[Batman cites precidents for inhuman sexual behavior in SWAMP THING]
%%
"Get away from her, you BITCH!"
[You wanna argue with a Woman Waldo?  ALIENS]
%%
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a
 dead girl or a live boy."
-- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards
%%
Kentucky: The state that needs Japan to bring it into the 20th century.
[Anonymous Net Poster]
%%
	They seek him here, they seek him there; 
	They seek that scoundrel everywhere!
	Is he in space, or traveling time?
	That damned Napoleon of Crime!
[Moi]
%%
David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":

	* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
	* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
	* Hourly motel rates
	* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
	* Didn't just give up right away during World War II
	  like some countries we could mention
	* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
	* Our well-behaved golf professionals
	* Fabulous babes coast to coast
%%
"What do you mean... `NO MORE BODIES'!?"
[A very perturbed NoMan]
%%
"But your creed, your ethos... it was one of your most appealing
 features."
		     "You know, Larry, sometimes I say
		      things... and afterwards, I can't
		      remember saying them."

[The Yak and The Badger debate philosophy]
%%
"They seek him here, they seek him there... they seek that Snowman
 everywhere!  Is he in Youngstown -- or Cincinnati?  That damned,
 elusive, two-ton Yeti?"
[The Badger, In Search]
%%
"I am out there saving the world from Commies and Martians who will
 eat your feet... and he's making peanut brittle in my washer!"
[The Flaming Carrot bitches...]
%%
"Gosh, Dr. Heller... even your Death Ray doesn't work!"

	     "By Gar!  How do you kill a dead dog?"

[Flaming Carrot and Dr. Heller try to, err, kill, a dead dog]
%%
"Flaming Carrot!"
		     "I win!... I defeated DEAD DOG!"
"But how?"
		     "I wacked it apart with two-by-four!"

[The secret to any battle, by my main man FC]
%%
"Didja think one tool would change the world?  We're a symbol -- the
 whole Star Key experiment... we're a walkin' allegory!"

		     "Oh, yeah?	 An allegory of what?"

"Of a good guy doin' a good job, no matter what it takes!"

[Flyin' Ryan and Steelgrip Starkey]
%%
"I'm going to kill everyone in this room."

	     "Now that's DARN rude."

[The Joker visits David Letterman]
%%
"From the beginning, I knew... that there was nothing wrong with
 you... that I can't fix... with my hands..."
[Archtypical Dark Knight]
%%
"Whatever happened to him?"

	     "Uh, well, he pulled it on Rorschach and
	      Rorschach dropped him down an elevator shaft."

[A Rorschach pique is discussed]
%%
"You can shoot... the animals... in the forest...  but you cannot...
 shoot the *forest*."
[Nature and the Swamp Thing]
%%
"Warning... Me--?  YOU... are warning... ME...?"
[Nature and the Swamp Thing]
%%
"Contempt?  Yes.  Yes, I think that's the word.  Contempt."
[Abby Cable comments on the US courts in SWAMP THING]
%%
"...pull upward slowly, lock elbow and apply pressure while pummeling
 opponent's skull with folding chair..."
[Wide World of Wrestling with Opus in BLOOM COUNTY]
%%
"He's going to kill me.  I KNOW it. That's the kind of day it's been."
[One of those days for the Black Cat]
%%
"Yow!  A genuine MARK OF THE DEVIL vomit bag!  I can't throw up into
 this!  *GLUG*"
		     "My hat!"

[The Badger samples Aussie hospitality]
%%
"Addison, what are we going to do?"

	     "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions.
	      I'm looking for something that's soft on
	      morality, generous with holidays, and has a
	      short initiation period."

[Dave and Maddie on Moonlighting]
%%
"Don't worry son, the marines don't mind killing Martians."
[Army philosophy in _Invaders_from_Mars_]
%%
"...wow, look at all the spiders.  I GUESS that's a good sign."
-- overheard at the public beach, Rancho Seco Nuclear Power Plant cooling lake.
%%
"Mayor of Kiev Declares May Indoor Sports Month"
--Pravda
%%
	I will not drink!
	But if I do...
	I will not get drunk!
	But if I do...
	I will not in public!
	But if I do...
	I will not fall down!
	But if I do...
	I will fall face down so that they cannot see my Fluke badge.
[Fellow Flukie]
%%
"You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the Net had one throat
 and I had my hands about it."
-- Rorschach (1985)
%%
"Is that a real poncho... I mean Is that a Mexican poncho or is that a
 Sears poncho?"
[Frank Zappa, "Camarillo Brillo"]
%%
"The doctor said I had dain bramage... But my friends don't know what
 'dat shit is."
[Seen on Net]
%%
 Definition of STRESS: That confusion created when one's mind
 overrides the body's desire to choke the living shit out of some
 asshole who desperately needs it!
[fortunes program]
%%
"Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
 of dangerous situations - I work for a federal task force doing a
 survey on urban crime.  Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you
 can call, that will put you through to our central base in Atlanta.
 Go ahead, call - they'll confirm who I am.

"Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."

-- Captain Freedom
[Dennis Dugan as Captain Freedom on Hill Street Blues]
%%
"Goldfish... what stupid animals.  Even Wayne Cody stops eating before
 he bursts."
[Local Seattle comedian]
%%
"Women: can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em."
-- David Addison
%%
 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
 way before it is understood.
[The fortunes program]
%%
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
-- Russian Proverb
%%
 The church is near but the road is icy, the bar is far away but I
 will walk carefully.
-- Russian Proverb
%%
"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'"
-- David Parnas
%%
"Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad
 judgement."
-- Jim Horning
%%
"APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I
 can't read any of them."
-- Roy Keir
%%
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
 make empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians
 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
 man in the bonds of Hell."
-- St. Augustine
%%
"Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do
 not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously."
-- Booth Tarkington
%%
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone
 underware."
-- Norm from CHEERS
%%
 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
 principles or your mistress".
%%
"He don't know me vewy well, DO he?"
-- Bugs Bunny
%%
"I am not a number! I am a free man!"
-- Number Six
%%
"Watch me pace this pathetic palooka with a perfect paralyzing
 packedermus percussion pitch."
[Looney Tunes, Baseball Bugs (1946, Friz Freleng)]
%%
"THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR ... you-know-who."
[Looney Tunes, Stupor Duck (1956, Robert McKimson)]
%%
"Perhaps you know some of my friends: Count of Basie, Earl of Hines,
 Cab of Calloway, Satchmo of Armstrong?"
[Looney Tunes, Knight-Mare Hare (1955, Chuck Jones)]
%%
"I am Elmer J. Fudd, Millionaire.  I own a mansion und a yacht."
[Looney Tunes, Hare Brush (1955, Friz Freleng)]
%%
"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
 consistency."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"It's a place that falls off maps."
-- Frank Furrillo
%%
"Where do you place your hate?"
-- Henry Goldblum
%%
"So REMEMBER:
	 Black is BLACK and White is WHITE,
	 The more they MEET the more they FIGHT.
	 The line BETWEEN them was never more REAL
	 So eat your BEANS at every MEAL."
--Mr. Bug
[Ambush Bug spoofs Mr. A]
%%
"Putz Beer. From the people who brought you Schmuck Lager."
[TV ad in Hell from STIG'S INFERNO]
%%
"It is indeed a sad commentary when it's easier to send a person 500
 years into the past than across town."
[Judah Macabee comments on Time-Travel in Cynosure]
%%
"What are you guys? Pro Wrestling or something?"

	"That's exactly right."

		"Not me.  I'm an air traffic controller."

[Woman clerk addressing Judah and The Badger, respectively]
%%
"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG."
[Bob Violence Again]
%%
"I SAID I LOVE ALL MANKIND *DAMMIT*!!"
[A deity from CEREBUS]
%%
"You know, sir, that there *is* a precedent for wheelchair
 detectives..."
		     "Shut up, Alfred."

[Alfred with good advice for Bruce Wayne.  Frank Miller's DARK KNIGHT]
%%
"But isn't there some other way to call him?"

		     "At least a dozen."
"Then WHY?"
		     "To let them know, Merkel, to let EVERYONE
		      know.  Hit it."

[Commissioner Gordon talks about re-lighting the Bat-Signal from
 Miller's DARK KNIGHT]
%%
"Queens borough president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes
 in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he
 must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might
 emanate from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed
 Koch to Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate
 said they are weighing the odds of a slander suit.

"Mayor Koch could naturally be reached for comment, but we chose not
 to listen."

-- Dennis Miller
%%
"The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged
 anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official
 protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: `Hey
 you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort.'"
-- Dennis Miller

[The TV anchorman of Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update]
%%
"Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!"
[The University of Wallamaloo Philosphy Dept. Sketch, via Monty Python]
%%
"Well, I'm glad you didn't do something *sensible*...  such as use the
 *spare*!"
	      "Spare?  Spare what?"

[An agent of Death meets the locals in the new Twilight Zone]
%%
"All this self-sacrifice is *nauseating*!"
[An agent of Death meets the locals in the new Twilight Zone]
%%
"So gather the kids, a dog... Grandma... and lock them in another
 room."
-- Orson Welles
%%
"If a man chooses to do evil... it becomes my sacred duty to bash him
 to a pulp."
[Crime Crusher, an old 40's pulp superhero]
%%
Real World, The (n.)

  1: The place generally used when referring to
	non-programming activities. 2: Where a
	computer science student goes after
	graduation; used pejoratively ("poor slob,
	he got his degree and had to go out into THE
	REAL WORLD").  Among programmers, discussing
	someone in residence there is not unlike
	talking about a deceased person.

[THE HACKER'S DICTIONARY]
%%
"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
 religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic
 of Western science."
-- Gary Zukav from THE DANCING WU LI MASTERS
%%
Benson's Dogma:
	    ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
[Gary Benson]
%%
"The race may not always be to the swift nor the battle to the strong,
 but it's a good idea to bet that way."
-- O. L. Bear
%%
"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps
 the time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand..."
-- Peter Oakley
%%
"Flaming Carrot!... Do you see Communists behind every bush?"

	     "No... but SOMETIMES they hide there."

[Who else but... FLAMING CARROT!  Save the day!	 You bet!]
%%
"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a
 word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about
 drugs.'"
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
%%
"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
 tactics WITH Gestapo tactics?"
-- Reuben Flagg
%%
"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
 King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
 
	 - Governmental offices
	 - Post offices
	 - Libraries
	 - Schools
	 - Banks
	 - Parts of Palm Beach

 and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."

-- Dennis Miller
%%
"For I too am real. I am Schmendrick the Magician, the last of the
 red-hot swamis, and I am older than I look."
[Schmendrick the Magician, from Beagle's _The_Last_Unicorn_]
%%
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'?	I
 could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
-- Ian Shoales
%%
"I read a column by George Will that SCARFACE should be rated X
 because parents were taking their children to see it.  So
 what?	 Why should the motion-picture industry be responsible for our
 morality?

	 Dad says to Mom, `SCARFACE is in town.'
	 `What's it about?'
	 `Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals.'
	 `Sounds great!	 Let's take the kids!'"

-- Ian Shoales
%%
"And I heard Jeff exclaim,
 as they strolled out of sight,
 `Merry Christmas to all
  -- you take credit cards, right?'"
[A panel from THE OUTSIDERS that I found appropriate for myself]
%%
"Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."

[A analysis of Neo-Nazis I agree with from THE BADGER]
%%
%%
"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed
 to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that
 annoyed him during the trial."
-- David Letterman
%%
"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
 live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came
 in twenty-fifth.  Here in New York we really don't care too much.
 Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
-- David Letterman
%%
"In an interview today with US NEWS & WORLD REPORT this week,
 Secretary of State George Schultz was asked what he considered his
 proudest accomplishment.  He said, `Winning the office pools on
 Andropov *and* Chernenko.'"
-- David Letterman
%%
"Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on
 the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of
 the US invasion of Grenada.  Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent
 said no; and 8 percent said `Gimme a quarter?'"
-- David Letterman
%%
"Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
 City.  One is `Hey, taxi.'  Two is, `What train do I take to get to
 Bloomingdale's?'  And three is, `Don't worry.  It's just a flesh
 wound.'"
-- David Letterman
%%
"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a
 forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters,
 `The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three
 fourteen-year-olds.'"
-- David Letterman
%%
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

	1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
	2) Advising the President.
	3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."

-- David Letterman
%%
"If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
 pool cues, who would win?

	1) Ricky Schroder.
	2) Gary Coleman.
	3) The television viewing public."

-- David Letterman
%%
"Looks like this ain't our mummy.  See?  Out-of-state plates."
[The "Mummy Daddy" episode of Amazing Stories]
%%
"I'm tellin' you, Willie Joe, this ain't right.  Lynchin' ain't fer
 mummies.  Lynchin's fer rustlers."

	     "Lynchin's fer EVERYBODY!"

[The "Mummy Daddy" episode of Amazing Stories]
%%
"I am the Shadow Man, and *I* will never harm the person under whose
 bed *I* live."
		     "Glad to hear it, my man... Hey, don't stay
		      out too late, and when you get back, make sure
		      you shut the window."

[An unusual roomie from The Twilight Zone episode "The Shadow Man"]
%%
"Addison, will you get serious!"

	     "Serious?	I just had my hand on your behind; if
	      I get any more serious, they'll move us to
	      cable!"

[Addison and Maddy from "Moonlighting"]
%%
"Hayl, you know an' I know that th' only way in th' world we can get
 that kind o' money is if we found a bottle of Coke with a mouse in
 it."
[Randy Quaid explains funding to Pee-Wee Herman on a SNL episode]
%%
"Listen, Kalina, I can either be Johnny Nemo or I can be careful -- I
 can't be both!"
[That fearless Private Dick of the future, Johnny Nemo, from JONNY NEMO]
%%
"Eddie the Mouth was a vicious animal.  But he was one of the old-time
 vicious animals and as such had some kind of moral code.  It wasn't
 much of a moral code, but it was better than nothing..."
[That fearless Private Dick of the future, Johnny Nemo, from JONNY NEMO]
%%
"All the soil will be fruitful beyond man's needs; and human beings
 shall fornicate unceasingly."
-- THE PROPHECIES OF MERLIN, Geoffrey of Monmouth

[An old book I got from a friend -- Geoffrey was apparently translating
 Merlin's prophecies]
%%
"Monks in their cowls shall be forced into marriage and their
 lamentation will be heard on the mountain-peaks."
-- THE PROPHECIES OF MERLIN, Geoffrey of Monmouth
%%
"Actually one of the biggest reasons I have for doing Cerebus is to
 give wives and girlfriends of comics fans at least one comic book
 they can read."
-- Dave Sim
%%
"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!  Why do you think I CAME
 here?"
		     "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn
		      sure."

[John Gaunt, aka GRIMJACK]
%%
"While not a master of intellect, the blatantly obvious things WE
 often take for granted never escape HIS keen eye!"

		     "Horse."
[Flaming Carrot]
%%
"From high atop the battered ramparts of truth and freedom... he took
 arms against the wicked teeming minions of infamy, reprobation,
 crime, subversion and wanton incontinence!"
[Flaming Carrot]
%%
"Simple, candid, crazed and madcap (quintessentially retarded) our
 hero fights an with a PLUCK and SPIRIT that is totally American to
 the core!!"
[Flaming Carrot]
%%
"A vicious firebrand of Law and Order, his FOAMING WRATH is MIGHTY!...
 Yet his heart flows over with warmth and human kindness to all the
 good and honest people!"

		     "You're hurt pretty bad, Mister... have some
		      Wheaties!"
[Flaming Carrot]
%%
"But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!"
[Firesign Theatre, Don't Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers]
%%
"Beware!  Your brain may no longer be the boss."
[Firesign Theatre, Everything you know is Wrong]
%%
"I'm as doomed as doomed can be!"
 --Ed Grimley
[The one and only Ed Grimley, aka Martin Short]
%%
"Out of the mouth of Boy Wonders oftimes come gems."
[TV's Batman, aka Adam West]
%%
"Tune in again next week, same time, same station, when Nick Danger
 meets.... The Arab!"
[From The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger, America's ONLY detective!]
%%
"....and the far-flung Isles of Langerhans."
[Firesign Theatre's HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE]
%%
"Just remember: Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.  He died in
 Washington, D.C."
[Firesign Theatre's HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE]
%%
"Can you drive a 6-inch spike through a board with your penis?"

	     "Uh, not right now."

"Tsk.  A girl has to have her standards."

[Deborah Foreman to Val Kilmer in _Real_Genius_]
%%
"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play golf
 with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
[Hoyt Axton in a marverlous Pizza Hut commercial]
%%
"Is that how a warped brain like your's gets its kicks? By planning
 the deaths of innocent people?"

		     "No... by *causing* the deaths of innocent
		      people."

[Lex Luthor and Superman discuss Fun Evenings in _Superman_]
%%
"Living without hallucinations is like breathing with only one
 nostril."
[Wisdom from a dying Weisshaupt in CEREBUS]
%%
"REVERT!"
     "REVERT!"
	   "REVERT!"
	       "REVERT!"
		   "Hi HO! Hi HO!"
		       "SHUT UP!"
[Those loveable De-Evolutionaries in ZOT!]
%%
"You... VILLAIN, you."
[Zot]
%%
"Expect the Unexpected.  He does."
[Buckaroo Banzai novel quote]
%%
"If he's not one thing, he's another."
[Buckaroo Banzai novel quote]
%%
"A man who has no business being anyone's role model..."
[Kelvin Mace]
%%
"Aha!  Pronoun trouble!"
[Daffy Duck]
%%
"You tweachewous miscweant!"
[Elmer Fudd]
%%
"Ya does that once more, and I'm not a-goin' in after it!"
[Yosemite Sam]
%%
"Happily, I read English."

      [Draws sword] "Then read it happily."

[Exchange in the 1950s production of IVANHOE]
%%
"Threats are illogical, and payment is often expensive."
[Sarek of Vulcan, "Journey To Babel", Star Trek]
%%
"This used to be a peaceful town."
[That rotter Cobb (Brian Dennehey) in SILVERADO]
%%
"...Somehow... the idea of a mouse, with lipstick and eyelashes and a
 dress with high-heeled shoes; a mouse ten times bigger than the
 biggest RAT...  this idea has always made me sick!"

[Darnold Duck, in Harvey Kurtzman and Bill Elder's brilliant
 Disney satire Mickey Rodent]
%%
"I've always hated that sign and all its cheap film noir symbolism."
[Kelvin Mace]
%%
"`Where the hell's my cookie?!'  WHAM!"
[Clonezone the Hilariator's punchline for The Killing Joke]
%%
"I don't like this... it was too easy."

	     "You think it was a trap, huh?"

"NAH... It was just too easy... I didn't get to shoot NEAR enough
 people..."

[Kelvin Mace and Assistant]
%%
"I'll maim, but no killing."

	     "It isn't even human! It's just a filthy,
	      smelly demon from another dimension."

"Oh, well, that's different!"

[The Badger and Ham]
%%
[Sung to "Supercalifragalisticexpyaladocious"]

	"Pillage, rape and loot and burn, but all in moderation;
	 If you do the things we say, you soon will rule the nation;
	 Kill your foes and enemies, and then kill your relations
	 Pillage, rape and loot and burn, but all in moderation!"

[Mike Schuh, friend and colleague]
%%
"Today, my jurisdiction ends here."
[John Cleese, SILVERADO]
%%
"Open Channel D..."
[The Man From U.N.C.L.E.]
%%
"In the end, it will be the insects who rule the earth."
-- Noted scientist

"In the end, who cares?"
-- Remo Williams

"End? What end?  You whites will be with us forever."
-- Chiun, Master of Sinanju

[Intro to a DESTROYER novel]
%%
"He was sweet and sincere and giving and good...  AND A CHERISHED
 NEIGHBOR UNDESERVING OF SUCH A FATE!!

"Nevertheless, better him than me.  Amen."

[Eulogy given by Banana PC Jr to Opus in Bloom County]
%%
"Don't embarrass us."
		     "Have I ever?"
[Buckaroo Banzai and Perfect Tommy in BUCKAROO BANZAI]
%%
"If this is foreplay, I'm a dead man!"
[Mental Sex in COCOON]
%%
"By the way, I paid for the whole trip on Mr.  Underhill's American
 Express card.	Want the number?"
[Closing Line from the movie Fletch]
%%
"You are still dead, then?"
	"Oh yeah, hey, totally."
[A dead Peter Whyte to Jack Morrison on St. Elsewhere]
%%
"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of
 events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."

		     "Whose?"
"MINE! HA-HA!"

[Firesign Theatre, The Giant Rat of Summatra]
%%
	    THE DAILY PLANET

	 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
	 Plans to "Eat it later".
[Ambush Bug]
%%
 "SAVE US, Megaton Man!  SAVE US!"
 "PROTECT US, Megaton Man! PROTECT US!"
 "THINK for us, Megaton Man, THINK for us!"
 "MOW MY LAWN FOR ME, Megaton Man, 
  MOW MY LAWN FOR ME!" 
[Megaton Man]
%%
"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on ME, waiting for
 ME to make my move!"
			     "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"

"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"

[Megaton Man]
%%
"You're all MISTAKEN!  I got 65 girlfriends -- and a LIFETIME
 MEMBERSHIP in the NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION!"
[Megaton Man]
%%
"Try it NOW, you murderous poopheads!!"
[Bloom County]
%%
"Hide the wenches and batten down the access codes... yer about to be
 boarded, ye scurvy network news dogs! Har Har..."
[Bloom County]
%%
"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
[Matthew Broderick in _Ladyhawke_]
%%
 Call me Moriarty, Zeck, Karla, or Bloefeld; just don't call me late
 for dinner.
[Moi]
%%
"I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't."
-- Nero Wolfe, OVER MY DEAD BODY
%%
"I have no talents. I have genius or nothing.  But all genius is
 distorted, even my own."
[Nero Wolfe]
%%
"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"

	     "The famous scientific criminal, as famous
	      among crooks as--"

"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.

	     "I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the
	      public.'"

-- Dr. John Watson, THE VALLEY OF FEAR
%%
"But in calling Moriarty a criminal you are uttering libel in the eyes
 of the law, and there lies the glory and the wonder of it.  The
 greatest schemer of all time, the organizer of every devilry, the
 controlling brain of the underworld.... That's the man."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem"]
%%
"I can tell a Moriarty when I see one.  This crime is from London,
 not America."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Valley of Fear"]
%%
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
-- Mark Twain
"When in doubt, book 'em."
-- Steve McGarret, Five-O
[The fortune program]
%%
Ronald Reagan: America's favorite placebo
[The fortune program]
%%
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"

	     "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"

"I've never done anything illegal before."

	     "I thought you said you were an accountant?"

[Two characters in _A_Private_Function_]
%%
"This Land is made of Mountains,
 This Land is made of Mud,
 This Land has lots of Everything,
 For me and Elmer Fudd..."
[The Firesign Theatre (The Album with Nick Danger on the other side)]
%%
"OHHLYMPIAA! Olympia!"
		     "Osiris!"
"My friend!"
		     "What has happened to your nose?"

[The Firesign Theatre (The Alblum with Nick Danger on the other side)]
%%
"The Angels...!  The angels were speaking to me! And do you know what
 they said?"
		     "No... vhat?"

"`We are the men from Texaco,
  We work from Maine to Mexico,
  We're close to you no matter who you are...'"

[Jeremy Acorn, a take-off on Johnny Appleseed, who is crazy enough to be
 able to hear radio broadcasts from 1950; from JOURNEY]
%%
"You can't go in there!"

	     "Yes I can.  This is America. I can go
	      anywhere I want to."

[The two main characters in Rob Reiner's wonderful _The_Sure_Thing_]
%%
"And that was the end of Grogan, the man who killed my father, raped
 and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my
 Bible!"
[Romancing The Stone]
%%
"I could not rest, Watson, I could not sit quiet in my chair, knowing
 a man such as Moriarty walked the streets of London unchallenged."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem"]
%%
"You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss $3 goodbye!"
[Hardware Wars]
%%
"You can thank the Rock 'n Roll detector for leading you to your
 doom!"
	     "Thanks!"

[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
%%
"There they are! Dirty Towel-Heads!  HEEEEEEY-OOOOH!"

	     "What are you doing? We're on your side!
	      We're with the U.N.!"

"You-Win, huh?  I'll show you what we think of you One-Worlders!  Eat
 Lead, Bedouin Thugs!"

[The Caped Madman, from the Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
%%
"I'm going to have you wrapped in a U.S. flag and burned personally by
 the President, in high octane American gasoline!"
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
%%
"OW! Rubber spider venom!  That's not fair!"
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
%%
"You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist poop!"
[Bloom County]
%%
"Scotty, I need Warp Drive in three minutes or we're all dead!"
[Star Trek II (I just find this line hysterically funny...)]
%%
"I don't DESERVE this!!  I haven't even KILLED anyone in this issue!"
[Kobra, in an Ambush Bug story in DC Presents]
%%
"Strong men blench! Women scream!  Children vomit!"
[Gaston Piston in NEIL THE HORSE]
%%
"Honey, this is GREAT coffee."
[Harrison Ford in _Witness_]
%%
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can*
 you believe?!"
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
%%
"Nobody here but us folk heroes."
[Doonesbury]
%%
"Hey, man, I'm an electrician!"

	     "MAKE MY DAY!  MAKE MY DAY!"

[Doonesbury]
%%
"'OLIVE LOAF VIGILANTE' PUMMELS STREET MIMES...
 Hundreds call police praising mystery man."
[Bloom County]
%%
"Awww..."
	     "Don't let that 'sweet' act fool ya, Harry!
	      They're DANGEROUS ASSASSINS!"

[Two guards from ZOT!]
%%
"Now, for the LAST TIME, old man, WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?"

	     "And as I told you *already*, sir, I'm
	      SELF-EMPLOYED and PROUD OF IT!"

[A beauracratic villain and Uncle Max from ZOT!]
%%
"It's a job for YOU, Dangermouse..."

		     "Oh, *good* old DM!"
"...AND Penfold."
		     "Oh, 'eck."
[Dangermouse]
%%
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch ST.
 ELSEWHERE, won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
 HAW'!!'"
[Bloom County]
%%
"This cognac is older than God."
[The pilot to Codename: Foxfire, a TV series that went into the
 sewer faster than you can say "A-Team"...]
%%
"Well, Penfold, it looks like we'll have to save the world again."
     "Ooh, 'eck..."
[Dangermouse]
%%
"It just doesn't make any sense, Penfold!"
     "But our adventures NEVER make any sense, DM!"
[Dangermouse]
%%
"My God!  Are we sure he was a liberal?"
     "Pretty sure.  They pulled him from a Volvo."
[Doonesbury]
%%
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"
[Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the greatest source of signoff
 lines known to man...]
%%
"I'm not SURE that that makes sense, DM."
     "Well, it is a CARTOON, sir..."
[Dangermouse]
%%
"NOW how much would you pay? But wait, there's less! Order now, and
 we'll include the amazing $1,000 coffee pot! It boils, it boils...
 it even boils!"
[Harry Shearer on Saturday Night Live]
%%
"...Who'z dat guy?"
		     "That's Berhard Goetz."
"Bern-hard Getzz? De jazz musician?"
[Fernando on Saturday Night Live]
%%
"If you tell the truth, you must smile.
 Otherwise, people will kill you."
[Good question... I don't know.	 Fortune Program?]
%%
"He even looks like God...  except his hands are in his pockets."

	     "They should be, he's got four dead Presidents in 'em."

[Albert Finny and a forgotten actress in _Wolfen_]
%%
"You'd do it for Randolph Scott."
	     "*gasp* RANDOLPH SCOTT!"
[Blazing Saddles]
%%
"Some tottyhead is mixing genres!"
[Bloom County]
%%
"Texxon... Do what we say, and nobody gets hurt."
[Saturday Night Live ad]
%%
"I must say, you look *maahvelus*."
[Fernando (Billy Crystal) on SNL]
%%
"My friends, it is better to look good than to feel good."
[Fernando (Billy Crystal) on SNL]
%%
Any opposing views may simply go to hell.
[The fortunes program]
%%
"There *are* standards.  If you can't see one, you *make* one and
 stick to it come Hell or high water -- until you see a BETTER one."
-- John Gaunt
[John Gaunt, aka GRIMJACK]
%%
"Deep space is my dwelling place, the stars my destination."
[Alfred Bester's "The Stars My Destination"]
%%
"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
[Doonesbury]
%%
"But I guess I'm just stating the very obvious (shutup, Penny,
 shutup!)."
[Penny Priddy in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
%%
"Oh, intercourse the penguin!"
[Monty Python]
%%
"Lithium is no longer available on credit."
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
%%
"History is made at night. Character is what you are in the dark."
[Doctor Lizardo/John Whorfin in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
%%
"It's not MY GODDAMN PLANET, Monkey Boy!"
[John BigBoote (Big-Boot-tay) in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
%%
"There's more hoods than we thought!"

	     "Then shoot MORE BULLETS!"

[That champion of Justice, The FLAMING CARROT]
%%
"Hi. This is God."
		     "Uh-Oh..."
[Doonesbury]
%%
"...for DEATH awaits you all, with nasty sharp pointy teeth!"
[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]
%%
"She's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead."
[A munchkin in _The_Wizard_of_Oz_]
%%
"He is the Napoleon of Crime, Watson..."
[Sherlock Holmes in "The Final Problem"]
%%
"DANGER is my BUSINESS."
[Cool McCool, in his cartoon series of the late 60s]
%%
"Nun-beating? Good Lord, man, I can't condone THAT!"
[Bloom County]
%%
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"

[Frank Acme Jr., in The Firesign Theatre's alblum
 "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
%%
"Pfui.  More people saying what they believe would be a great
 improvement.  Because I do I am unfit for common intercourse."
-- Nero Wolfe, BLOOD WILL TELL
%%
"Negative, sucker.  You need a smoking pistol and you know it."

	     "Right you are.  Where are those handguns when
	      we really need them?"
[Doonesbury]
%%
"Are they being mistreated?"
     "Only by a few fanatics. Mostly local anchormen."
[Doonesbury]
%%
"But I'd rather eat Johnson!"
[Monty Python]
%%
BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.	
	     He's the brains of the outfit."
GENERAL:    "What does that make YOU?"
BULLWINKLE: "What else?  An executive..."
%%
"That's the biz, sweetheart."
[Remo Williams, The Destroyer]
%%
"...in an iron coffin, with spikes on the inside!"
[Monty Python's "Matching Tie & Handerkerchief Alblum]
%%
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro...
[Hunter S. Thompson]
%%
Be firm, fly low and stay cool....
[Duke, from Doonesbury]
%%
"Pfui."
[Nero Wolfe]
%%
"...it's people like you what cause unrest."
[Monty Python]
%%
"Never argue with a fool; others may not be able to tell the
 difference."
[The Fortunes Program]
%%
"Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of Science?"
[Monty Python & the Holy Grail]
%%
"Cheese it, cheddar-breath, you can't fight America's Action Hero,
 see?"
[Gangster in The Firesign Theatre's production of
 "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
%%
"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
[A T-shirt in the comics version of "Myth Adventures"]
%%
"What kind of ANIMAL would DO a thing like this?"
     "Whoop Whoop Whoop..."
[AMBUSH BUG]
%%
"Do what you want with the girl, but leave me alone!!"
[George Carlin]
%%
"Just remember, he knows more than you do!"
	     "I have a Master's Degree!"
"In SCIENCE!"
[Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre's Ask Mr. Science]
%%
"The maniac will please refrain from waxing nostalgic."
[SPACED (Don't read it, it's garbage)]
%%
"Look, if anyone else pinches my phrase, I'll throw them under a camel!"
[Monty Python]
%%
"Master of the emotional belly flop."
[Doonesbury]
%%
"Yes Ma'am. So will Jesus, but I ain't waitin' up nights."
[Doonesbury]
%%
"WATCH OUT, Comrade! He's bearing ARMS, as is his constitutional
 right!"
		     "Eat TEFLON, Ivan!"

"Retreat!  Back to Moscow!"

[Doonesbury]
%%
"Hey, George.  Our Soviet Masters on line 3."
[Doonesbury]
%%
Guns don't kill people. I don't kill people. Moran, HE kills people.
[Moi]
%%
"Hurry!  They're freaking out on stale Heineken!!"
     "I'M A FROG!  I'M A FROG!"
[Bloom County]
%%
"There... I've run rings 'round you logically."
[Monty Python]
%%
"Avast, ye scurvy corporate dogs! Prepare to be boarded!"
[Bloom County]
%%
"Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear...."
[The Lone Ranger]
%%
"Say no more, Say no more!"
[Monty Python]
%%
"The more you drive, the less intelligent you are."
[_Repo_Man_]
%%
"....and his hideous clockwork dog, Toto...."
[Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
%%
"There's something you don't see every day."
[_Ghostbusters_]
%%
"This looks like a job for BICYCLE REPAIRMAN!"
[Monty Python]
%%
"Laugh while you can, Monkey Boy!"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
%%
"It looks like a photon pod... but it's a verrry bad design."
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
%%
 When in this world the headlines read
 of those whose hearts are filled with greed
 who rob and steal from those who need
 To right this wrong with blinding speed
 Goes Underdog! (UNDERDOG!)
 Underdog 
 (UNDERDOG!)

 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
 Fighting all who rob or plunder
 Underdog (Ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah)
 Underdog
 UNDERDOG!
[Oh, come on, guess...]
%%
When Polly's in trouble I am not slow,
it's hip hip hip and away I go!
[Underdog]
%%
"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
[Flaming Carrot]
%%
"How is this possible?"
	"We keep him upstairs in a big plastic bubble."
[Doonesbury, refering to Zonker Harris]
%%
"Of COURSE, dummy!  They invade each other to stay in shape!"
	     "That's what makes them so tough..."
[Doonesbury]
%%
"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
	     "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.	 People are SO
	      inconsiderate."
[Doonesbury]
%%
"Go to it, sir!  Good luck!"

      "Gosh, he's unflappable."

	     "Bill, this is a nickel, and this is an
	      orange..."
[Doonesbury]
%%
"BLAM! BLAM! POW! POW!"
			     "What's going on, Dad?"

"I'm defending our home from foreign invaders, son."

[Doonesbury]
%%
"I support the right to arm bears."
[Bumper sticker]
%%
"Mongo only pawn... in game of life."
[Alex Karras in _Blazing_Saddles_]
%%
"...AND his God Damned CAT!!!"
["AMERICAN FLAGG!"]
%%
"Wink-Wink, Nudge-Nudge, Know-what-I-mean, Know-what-I-mean?"
[Monty Python]
%%
If dementia has a name, it must be...
[Moi, after seeing the slogan for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Gore...]
%%
"The bigger they are, the nicer they are..."
[Chiun, Master of Sinanju, from The Destroyer series]
%%
"No. 1.... The LARCH."
[Monty Python]
%%
"What do you want to talk about?"
     "I can talk about anything, I've been to college."
[The Fortunes Program]
%%
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
-- Wernher von Braun
%%
"Silver bullets MY ASS!"
[A werewolf in _The_Howling_]
%%
"Hey, nice coat, man.  What's in the pink box?"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
%%
"Where are we going?!"
		     "PLANET 10!!"
"When are we leaving?!"
		     "REAL SOON!!"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
%%
"Look.... up in the sky...  it's a bird... it's a plane... it's a
 frog!"
		     "A frog?"

"Not bird nor plane nor even frog, just little old me, Underdog!"

[I think that's self-explanatory]
%%
"...we do our part -- what's your problem?"
["AMERICAN FLAGG!"]
%%
Just another garden-variety Communist dupe...
[Moi]
%%
From the conning tower of The Submarine of the Usenet
[Moi]
%%
Heavens, they're tasty...
[Garrison Keillor, the greatest American humorist since Will Rogers,
 on the radio program "A Prarie Home Companion"]
%%
"Nick! Heath! Jarrad!  There's a fire in the barn!"
[_Airplane_]
%%
"...and several butcher's aprons."
[Monty Python]
%%
"The wonder of it all."
[Bloom County]
%%
"Rule two... no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abos in any
 way at all... if there's anybody watching."
[Monty Python]
%%
"Those who travel with him.... must be crazy."
[Slogan from _Indiana_Jones_and_the_Temple_of_Doom_]
%%
"...the all-weather breakfast."
[The Firesign Theatre, "Nick Danger, Third Eye"]
%%
"I'd do anything for a hundred pounds, of DOLLARS, my dear Dudley!"
[The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
%%
"Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of muy hat!"

	     "But that trick NEVER works!"

"This time fer sure!"

[Rocky & Bullwinkle]
%%
Necessity is a Mother -- no invention!
[Fortune Program]
%%
"I have seen victory snatched from the hands of other commanders."
[Sub-Commander Tal in the Star Trek comic]
%%
"I just hired him and he's already off on a case!  What a
 brown-noser!"
[The Ambush Bug, in ACTION]
%%
"If I were not in the CID
 Something else I'd like to be
 If I were not in the CID
 A window cleaner, me!"
[Monty Python (Inspector Dim!)]
%%
"Grab your Cape
	And drop the phone
		Your next stop is
			The Joker Zone."
[The Joker]
%%
"Americans love a winner... and WILL NOT TOLERATE a loser."
[George C. Scott, _Patton_]
%%
"You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest WIITH... A HERRING!!"
[The Knights who no longer say "Ni", _Monty_Python_and_the_Holy_Grail_]
%%
"Can you say PAIN, boys and girls?"
[Mr. T visiting Mr. Robert's (Eddie Murphy's) Neighborhood]
%%
"He's everywhere! He's everywhere!"
[That wonderful old Radio show, Chicken Man]
%%
"Snakes.  Why did it have to be snakes?"
[Indiana Jones, _Raiders_of_the_Lost_Ark_]
%%
"Noooobody expects THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!"
[Monty Python]
%%
One of the last true Bohemians...
[Moi]
%%
An eccentric America is a Safe America...
[Moi]
%%
"That green-blooded, pointy-eared Son of a Bitch!"
[Dr. McCoy, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
%%
"Don't call me 'tiny'."
[Mr. Sulu, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
%%
"Aye, and if my grandmother had wheels, she'd have been a wagon...."
[Mr. Scott, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
%%
"Wow... this is intense."
[_Repo_Man_]
%%
"The word is no, I am therefore going anyway."
[Captain James T. Kirk, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
%%
"I understand that in this country Coke comes in cans!"
[The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
%%
"Is this a trick question?"
[Bill Murray addressing a possessed Sigourney Weaver in _Ghostbusters_]
%%
"Aim for the flat-top!"
[Dan Ackroyd in _Ghostbusters_]
%%
"...I'm going to hit it with a stick."
[Dr. Hardin in DNAgents (you had to be there...)]
%%
"I'm a BAAAAD boy!"
[Lou Costello]
%%
"History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion ---
 i.e., none to speak of."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't
 bet, you can't win."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why.
 Then do it."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there is no
 evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will _know_. So why
 fret about it?"
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
 she deserved."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her
 children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam,
 keep her from drowning them at birth."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"A generation which ignores history has no past --- and no future."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"What a wonderful world it is that has girls in it!"
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any
 rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to
 stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people
 do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive
 considerable pleasure from fiddling with it."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"It's amazing how much 'mature wisdom' resembles being too tired."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"If you don't like yourself, you _can't_ like other people."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind; it
 may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him
 without hate --- and quickly."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of
nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing --- with "obscenity" and
"indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Cheops' Law: Nothing _ever_ gets built on schedule or within budget."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"All men are created unequal."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"One man's theology is another man's belly laugh."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more
 sanitary."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves.
 Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking
his self-interest gives you more leverage.
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on
 having both at once."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"An elephant: a mouse built to government specifications."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
 not far away. It is time to go elsewhere."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than
 one man. How's that again? I missed something."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
What are the facts? Again and again and again --- what are the
_facts_? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what
"the stars foretell", avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors
think, never mind the unguessable "verdict of history" --- what are
the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot into an unknown
future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent --- it says so right
 here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three
 of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain
 for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
 And vice versa."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not
 make messes in the house."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion,
 butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance
 accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders,
 give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new
 problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight
 efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"The most preposterous notion the H. sapiens has ever dreamed up is
 that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes,
 wants the saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by
 their prayers, and becomes petulant if He does not receive this
 flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy, without a shred of evidence to
 bolster it, pays all the expenses of the oldest, largest, and least
 productive industry in all history."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"The second most preposterous notion is that copulation is inherently sinful."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"$100 placed at 7 percent interest compunded quarterly for 200 years
 will increase to more than $100,000,000 --- by which time it will be
 worth nothing."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Dear, don't bore him with trivia or burden him with your past
 mistakes. The happiest way to deal with a man is never to tell him
 anything he does not need to know."
-- "Time Enough for Love", by Robert A. Heinlein
%%
"Everybody lies about sex."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"A touchstone to determine the actual worth of an ``intellectual'' ---
 find out how he feels about astrology."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"You live and learn. Or you don't live long."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Peace is an extension of war by political means. Plenty of elbowroom
 is pleasanter --- and much safer."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"One man's ``magic'' is another man's engineering.
 ``Supernatural'' is a null word."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"If you are part of a society that votes, then do so. There may be
 no candidates and no measures you want to vote _for_... but there are
 certain to be ones you want to vote _against_. In case of doubt, vote
 _against_. By this rule you will rarely go wrong.

 If this is too blind for your taste, consult some well-meaning fool
 (there is always one around) and ask his advice. Then vote the other
 way. This enables you to be a good citizen (if such is your wish)
 without spending the enormous amount of time on it that truly
 intelligent exercise of franchise requires."

-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Another ingredient for a happy marriage: Budget the luxuries _first_!"
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"God split himself into a myriad parts that he might have friends."
 This may not be true, but it sounds good --- and is no sillier than
 any other theology.
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Does history record _any_ case in which the majority was right?"
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Only a sadistic scoundrel -- or a fool -- tells the bald truth on
 social occasions."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry ofter
 have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds
 to happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
The difference between science and the "fuzzy subjects" is that
science requires reasoning, while the other subjects merely require
a scholarship.
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at
 tax collectors --- and miss."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Never try to outstubborn a cat."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
 none of my business but ---" is to place a period after the word
 "but". Don't use excessive force is supplying such a moron with a
 period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound
 to get you talked about."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
On the planet Tranquille around KM849 (G-O) lives a little animal
known as a "knafn". It is herbivorous and has no natural enemies and
is easily approached and may be petted --- sort of like a six-legged
puppy with scales. Stroking it is very pleasant; it wiggles its
pleasure and broadcasts euphoria in some band that humans can detect.
It's worth the trip.

Someday some bright boy will figure out how to record this broadcast,
then some smart boy will see commercial angles --- and not long after
that it will be regulated and taxed.

In the meantime I have faked that name and catalog number; it is
several thousand light-years off in another direction. Selfish of me...

-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
If "everybody knows" such-and-such, then it ain't so, by at least ten
thousand to one.
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins"
are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen.
 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
"Don't try to have the last word. You might get it."
-- Lazarus Long in Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
%%
There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch!
-- Robert A. Heinlein
%%
Emacs:  Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping 
        Exceptionally Mystifying Arcane Command Syntax
        Eventually Mallocs All Computer Storage
        Emacs Makes A Computer Slow.
        Eats Memory And Compromises Security
        Escape Meta Alt Control Shift
%%
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
%%
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out
and shot.
%%
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that you've got
it made.
%%
When in charge, ponder.
When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.
%%
To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
%%
Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
%%
I used to be lost in the shuffle.  Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
%%
Love your enemies. It'll drive them crazy.
%%
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
%%
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
%%
Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a
total stranger alive.  It's really a total stranger giving up almost
all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
%%
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you
for the rest of the day.
%%
Nuke the Smurfs!
%%
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've
never tried before.
%%
No, his mind is not for rent
to any god or government.
Always hopeful, yet discontent,
he knows changes aren't permanent,
but change is.

-- Rush, "Tom Sawyer"
%%
They say there are strangers who threaten us,
our immigrants and infidels.
They say there is strangeness too dangerous
in our theatres and bookstore shelves,
That those who know what's best for us
must rise and save us from ourselves.

Quick to judge,
quick to anger,
slow to understand.
Ignorance and prejudice
and fear walk hand in hand.

-- Rush, "Witch Hunt"
%%
"Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will
 get you through times of no dope."
-- The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
%%
Never attribute to malice that which can adaquately be explained by 
stupidity.
%%
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
%%
SIGAMNESIA      No more memory
SIGANSI         Language too large
SIGAPPLE        Program too small
SIGBSD          Your program is using too little memory
SIGCAT          Mouse missing
SIGGURU         You are not expected to understand this
SIGIBM          Corporation too large
SIGISO          Has yet to be defined
SIGJEDI         Use of "The Force" required to continue process
SIGMODEM        Unex ect d  oss of car ier
SIGNORINA       36-24-36
SIGSHUTTLE      Ring failure
SIGSIGSIGSIG    Excessive recursion depth
SIGTITANIC      Floating point exception
ISBGTYE         Byte swap error
SIG#@$!         I'm not going to tell you where the file is

--Best of the "New Signal" competition, EUUG Newsletter,
  Volume 8, No.2, Summer 1988
%%
"We have such sights to show you..."
-- Hellraiser
%%
How would you feel about Life if Death was your older sister?
-- Sandman
%%
Real Programmers don't write applications programs. They program right
down to the bare metal.  Applications programs are for dullards who
can't do systems programming.
%%
Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for
whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all.
%%
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a
hallmark of the novice and the coward.
%%
Real Programmers don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy applications
programmers.
%%
Real Programmers don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who
wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They
get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
%%
Real Programmers don't use PL/I. PL/I is for insecure momma's boys who
can't choose between Cobol and Fortran.
%%
Real Programmers don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC
after reaching puberty.
%%
Real Programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be
written on one line.
%%
Real Programmers don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more
parentheses than actual code.
%%
Real Programmers don't use Pascal, Bliss, Ada or any of those
sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for
people with weak memories.
%%
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around
at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night.
%%
Real Programmers don't play tennis or any other sport which requires a
change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers
often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
%%
Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics
who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an
otherwise uncluttered desk.
%%
Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of
course, they are the Chief Programmer.
%%
Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary
evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters,
senior planners and other mental defectives.
%%
Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point
was invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to "think big".
%%
Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs,
Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are
highly regarded.
%%
Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up
schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to
meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
%%
Real Programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the
microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu.
They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of
popping.
%%
Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them
all in every real program.  Puppy architects won't allow execute
instrucitons to address another execute as the target instruction.
Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.
%%
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
%%
Real Software Engineers don't read dumps.  They never generate them,
and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely
amused.
%%
Real Software Engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers
are so long they can't afford the disk space.
%%
Real Software Engineers don't write applications programs, they
implement algorithms.  If someone has an application that the
algorithm might help with, that's nice.  Don't ask them to write the
user interface, though.
%%
Real Software Engineers eat quiche.
%%
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, Real Software Engineers
don't program in it.
%%
Real Software Engineers don't program in assembler.  They become
queasy at the very thought. Real Software Engineers don't write in
anything less portable than a number two pencil.
%%
Real Software Engineers don't debug programs, they Verify Correctness.
This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a
computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
%%
Real Software Engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are
suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close
to the machine."
%%
Real Software Engineers play tennis.  In general, they don't like any
sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range
of a shower.  (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.)  They will
occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny
days.
%%
Real Software Engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan
purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in.  They don't
tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they
are somehow Unworthy.
%%
Real Software Engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
job is described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like
using an undocumented external procedure.
%%
Real Software Engineers write in languages that have not actually been
implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in
BNF) is available.  This keeps them from having to take any machine
dependencies into account.  Machine dependencies make real software
engineers very uneasy.
%%
Real Software Engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards
bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet.
%%
Real Software Engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably
in PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but
it turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these).
%%
Real Software Engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and
BASIC.  PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined
enough; far too much built in function.
%%
Real Software Engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users.
Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation
and verification of algorithms is all about.
%%
Real Software Engineers despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
machines are so poor at I/O.
%%
Real Software Engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
moment.  They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
systems could be virtual at ALL levels.  They would like personal
computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill
your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run
their Correctness Verification Aid packages.
%%
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
down the system for days.
%%
Real Users hate Real Programmers -- and vice versa.
%%
Real Users know your home telephone number.
%%
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
program doesn't deliver it.
%%
Real Users never use the Help key.
%%
If this is Paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower.
-- Talking Heads, "Nothing But Flowers"
%%
"That's what happens when you play with battle armor. If you're going
 to use force, don't talk until you _win_."
-- Deunan Knute, "Appleseed"
%%
"Yeah, that's right! Vietnam! I'm not as old as I look, that war
 took a lot out of all of us.

 We were just a happy-go-lucky bunch of kids, drinking a lot of booze,
 smoking a lot of grass, snorting up a lot of coke, doing a lot of
 speed, and reds, and opium... angel dust... you name it...
 my personal favorite was LSD-25...

 I recall one day I dropped twenty-five hits of "The Right Stuff" just
 before we took off on a bomb run...  it came on just as I was beginning
 my approach to Hanoi... there was a flash of brilliant pure white light,
 and suddenly a whole squadron of Mig-21's appeared, all transparent and
 piloted by gorgeous Vietnamese women, totally nude, and all firing candy
 colored tracers, and there was flak in all the colors of the rainbow,
 as well as a few I'd never seen before... and there we were, flopping
 and boiling and tweeting around in the sky, with wheels inside wheels
 and colors that tasted like music, in the fulsome embrace of the
 purple ether-molasses!"

"So, how did it end?"

"I don't know! I never came down!"

-- The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, "The Idiots Abroad"
%%
It's the Father Phineas Show on the Fundaligionism Channel!
Say Hallelujahgobble! Now, are you having trouble in your 
personal life and relationships? Perhaps you forgot to perform
the ritual "Lightening of the Wallet" this morning!
As the poet John Heywood said, "The loss of wealth is loss
of dirt!"

Hallelujahgobble! Hallelujahgobble!

-- The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, "The Idiots Abroad"
%%
"Cerebus always feels out-of-place asking intelligent questions
 in Lower Felda..."
-- Cerebus, "Black Magiking"
%%
"This may not be a random attempt on your life... your enemies may
 be organized..."

        "That would put them a jump ahead of my army, all right"

-- Cerebus, "The Walls of Palnu"
%%
"A priest of Tarim lives only to serve. Wash that evil paint from
 your face, unbeliever!! Cast off these... demonic ornaments...
 and beg the living Tarim for forgiveness!"

        *Twak!*

"Be not unconscious, but open thine eyes to thy wicked ways!"

        *Twak!*

"Be unconscious then, but be not dead -- or I shall surely face a
 murder rap..."

-- Cerebus, "A Day in the Pits"
%%
"Lord Julius... there is menace in the air here."

        "That's just the herring-and-onion dip... try facing away
         from the air ducts."

-- Cerebus, "A Night at the Masque"
%%
"So you're Necross the Mad?"

        "Necross the Mad, eh? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA...
         ...and what makes you think I'm Necross HA HA the Mad?"

"Just a wild guess."

        "Mad, is it? MAD? I _ask_ you -- is THIS...
         (unveils huge stone statue)
         the work of a madman?"

"Cerebus couldn't say... sixteen-foot paperweights aren't ordinarily
 regarded as proof of sanity."

        "Paperweight? PAPERWEIGHT? Even for a short, grey furry person you're
         unusually naive! This is Thrunk! My greatest creation!
         Someday, I'll breathe life into my stone Thrunk... and then...
         and then!"

"And the WHAT?"

        "I haven't the foggiest. That's why I'm a little reluctant to breathe
         life into him..."

-- Cerebus, "Black Magiking"
%%
"The fools! Always blaming _me_ for their earthquakes, their fires --
 always blaming me for their insignificant tragedies..."

        "Do you cause them?"

"I should say _not_... I'm too busy trying to find a way to destroy
 the Universe."

        "The whole Universe? Isn't that rather drastic?"

"I prefer to think of it as suicide on a somewhat grander scale."

        "'Necross the Mad' doesn't half do you justice..."

"Being crazy and evil at the same time is no picnic, believe me!"

-- Cerebus, "Black Magiking"
%%
Don't get mad at an elf.
-- Cerebus
%%
"Unorthodox Economic Revenge, screams the larynx of the
 Merely Magnificent Moon Roach!  Hsssss...."
-- The Cockroach, _Cerebus_
%%
"Hee-hee! Punch 'em inna face! Kick 'em inna stomach! *giggle*
 ...and that goes for your little dog, too!"
-- The Cockroach, _Cerebus_
%%
"No, that isn't Sophia. I haven't seen her in over a year...
 you see, I missed her terribly."

        "Next time, aim between the eyes."

-- Cerebus
%%
"LookieLookieFleagleRoachIt'sOurBossmanSacredWarsRoachHe'sSoMuch
 StrongerThanSoPowerfulSinceHeCameBackFromTh'SacredWarsItSeems
 LakOn'yYestiddyThetHeBrungUsHyarAn'BegunOurTrainin'Honin'Our
 SkillsFerTh'NextBigSacredPunch-Up."

-- DrewRoach, _Cerebus_
%%
"Anyone who MOVES before Most Holy comes back out will spend the rest
 of Eternity sipping LAVA through an IRON STRAW."
-- Most Holy Cerebus, "Church & State"
%%
I don't know that it's right to follow the same set of rules all your life.
You just ought to like yourself.
-- Wendy Pini
%%
"...he died in a bizarre gardening accident."
-- "Spinal Tap"
%%
"It's such a thin line between clever and... stupid."
-- "Spinal Tap"
%%
"Bunny slippers", she said, "remind me of who I am. You can't get a
 swelled head if you wear bunny slippers. You can't lose your sense
 of perspective and start acting like a star or a rich lady if you 
 keep on wearing bunny slippers. Besides, bunny slippers give me
 confidence because they're so jaunty; they make a statement; they
 say, 'Nothing the world does to me can ever get me so far down that
 I can't be silly and frivolous.' If I died and found myself in hell,
 I could endure the place if I had bunny slippers."

-- Dean R. Koontz, "Lightning"
%%
Q:   How do blonde braincells die ?
A:   Alone.
%%
Q:   How do you brainwash a blonde?
A:   Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
%%
Q:   What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
A:   Artificial intelligence.
%%
Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A:   She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
     blown around too much.
%%
Q:   Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A:   To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
%%
Q:   Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A:   You can park in the handicap zone.
%%
Q:   Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A:   They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
%%
Q:   How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A:   Shine a flashlight in their ear.
%%
Q:   Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A:   It takes too long to retrain them.
%%
Q:   How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A:   There's white-out on the screen.
%%
Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A:   You only have to punch information into a computer once.
%%
Q:   What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A:   You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
     go down on you.
%%
Q:   Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A:   (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
%%
Q:   How do you kill a blonde?
A:   Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
%%
Q:   How do blondes pierce their ears?
A:   They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
%%
Q:   Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A:   They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
     little packages.
%%
Q:   What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A:   All you can eat, under a buck.
%%
Q:   How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A:   By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
%%
Q:   Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A:   They chip their teeth.
%%
Q:   Why do blondes wear underwear?
A:   They make good ankle warmers.
%%
Q:   What do blondes do for foreplay?
A:   Remove their underwear.
%%
Q:   What's the mating call of the blonde?
A:   "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
%%
Q:   What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A:   (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
%%
Q:   What's the mating call of the brunette?
A:   "All the blondes have gone home!"
%%
Q:   What's the mating call of the redhead?
A:   "Next!"
%%
Q:   What is 74 to a blonde?
A:   69 plus G.S.T.
%%
Q:   Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A:   Toes go in first.
%%
Q:   Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A:   Tits go in front.
%%
Q:   What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A:   "Have another beer."
%%
Q:   What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1:  Introduces him/herself.
A2:  Walks home.
%%
Q:   What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A:   Opens the car door.
%%
Q:   How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
A:   Kick open the car door.
%%
Q:   What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A:   Bucket seats.
%%
Q:   What do Blondes say after sex?
A1:  Thanks Guys.
A2:  Are you boys all in the same band?
A3:  Do you guys all play for the Swans?
%%
Q:   How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
A1:  She drops her nail-file
A2:  *Who cares?*
A3:  She says 'Next'
A4:  The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5:  I mean, who really cares?
A6:  The batteries have run out.
%%
Q:   Why do blondes have more fun?
A:   Because they don't know any better.
%%
Q:   How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1:  "What's a lightbulb?"
A2:  One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3:  Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
%%
Q:   What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A:   "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
%%
Q:   What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A:   "Are you sure it's mine?"
%%
Q:   Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
     blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. 
     Who picks it up?
A:   The dumb blonde. There's no such thing as Santa Claus,
     the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
%%
Q:   What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A:   Pull the pin and throw it back.
%%
Q:   Why do Blondes take the pill?
A:   So they know what day of the week it is.
%%
Q:   Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A:   Because it kept falling out.
%%
Q:   But why do brunettes take the pill?
A:   Wishful thinking.
%%
Q:   If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
     ground first?
A:   The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
%%
Q:   What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A:   Her IQ goes up.
%%
Q:   What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A:   They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
%%
Q:   How do you drown a blonde?
A:   Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
%%
Q:   How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1:  10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2:  Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
%%
Q:   What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
A:   If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
%%
Q:   What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A:   "Nice tits!"
%%
Q:   Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around 
     and come home?
A:   It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a 
     television.
%%
Q:   How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
A:   Flattered.
%%
Q:   What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A:   An interpreter.
%%
Q:   What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A:   A mental block.
%%
Q:   What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A:   A wind tunnel.
%%
Q:   What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:   A dope ring.
%%
Q:   What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A:   Frosted Flakes.
%%
Q:   What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A:   Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
%%
Q:   What do you call a smart blonde?
A:   A labrador.
%%
Q:   How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A:   A 69 interrupted by a period.
%%
Q:   What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A:   "Oh look!  Doughnut seeds!"
%%
Q:   What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A:   Spot.
%%
Q:   What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A:   The back of her head.
%%
Q:   Why did God create blondes?
A:   Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
%%
Q:   What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A:   "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission!  What do you use for bait?"
%%
Q:   Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A:   Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
%%
Q:   How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A:   Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
%%
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and
said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."  The other blonde looks and says
"Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."  "No.  Those are
deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later
they were both killed by a train.
%%
As published in the Earthweek column by Steve Newman ...

An English pet-shop owner has offered a solution to homeowners looking
for the security of a guard dog without the responsibility - a frog
that barks.  The tiny green and yellow amphibian, from Kirbati and
Tuvalu, the former Gilbert and Ellice islands in the Pacific, has been
a sellout for a shop in Sunderland, northeast England. "They bark as
loud as a dog, but cost a lot less to feed," the shop owner insists.
"A two pound bag of crickets will last them a whole month."
%%
           In Washington, the chairman of the House Administrative
        Committee recently said that all House members will have,
        by next year, full interactive access to users of the Internet
        computer network

Well, I'd rather have Dan Quayle online than the entire Congress, but
does this mean that we'll soon find John Glenn in sci.astro, Henry
Hyde in talk.abortion, Jesse Helms in rec.arts.fine and Ted Kennedy in
alt.sex.bondage?

-- Patricia O Tuama <rissa@cs.uchicago.edu>
%%
The 7 dwarves go off to the mine and leave Snow White at home. Some
time later there's a huge explosion and Snow White goes rushing off to
see what's happened. When she gets there all she can hear is this
squeaky voice coming from down the mineshaft saying

        "OS/2 is the Operating System of the future".

"Thank God", she says, "at least Dopey is still alive!"

-- graham@visionware.co.uk (Graham Porter)
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

Assembly:   You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk.  The system
            administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot.  After a
            moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself
            in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting
            at everyone in sight.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

APL:        You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but
            you don't remember enough linear algebra to undestand what
            the heck happened.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

C++:        You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and
            shoot them all in the foot.  Providing emergency medical
            care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise
            copies and which are just pointing at others and saying,
            "That's me, over there."
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

Ada:        If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the
            United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand
            you up on front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers,
            "Shoot at his feet."
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

MODULA-2:   After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
            in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

Pascal:     Same as Modula-2, except the bullets are the wrong type and
            won't pass through the barrel.  The gun explodes.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

sh,csh,etc: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend
            five hours reading man pages before giving up.  You then
            shoot the computer and switch to C.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

Smalltalk:  You spend so much time playing with the graphics and
            windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot,
            takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in
            COBOL on a character terminal.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

FORTRAN:    You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run
            out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat.  If
            you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you
            have no exception-processing ability.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

ALGOL:      You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket.  The musket
            is esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the
            adolescent medic in the emergency room.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

COBOL:      USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
            ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE.  THEN
            return HANDGUN to HOLSTER.  Check whether shoelace needs to
            be retied.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

BASIC:      Shoot self in foot with water pistol.  On big systems,
            continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

PL/I:       You consume all available system resources, including all
            the offline bullets.  The Data Processing $ Payroll
            Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires
            four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your
            foot.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

SNOBOL:     You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand
            to be a bullet.  The act of shooting the original foot then
            changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left
            foot).
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

LISP:       You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
            with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds
            the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage
            which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the
            appendage which holds...
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

SCHEME:     You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
            with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds
            the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage
            which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the
            appendage which holds... ...but none of the other
            appendages are aware of this happening.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

MICROSOFT C++ w/ WINDOWS SDK:
        You write about 100 lines of code to print "Hello, world!" in
        a dialogue box, only to have a UAE pop up when you click on
        OK.  This shuts down the program manager, leaving you nothing
        but a screensaver.  You then fly to Washington and shoot Bill
        Gates in the foot.
%%
Shooting yourself in the foot with:

LOGO:   You tell a turtle to draw a picture of a foot and a gun,
        then shoot the turtle.
%%
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
        When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
        easily by reducing it to the question,
        "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
%%
Monopoly doesn't handle combat too well but I can add rules to it that
will fix that.
-- peterw@cs.man.ac.uk (Peter Wake) in rec.games.frp.advocacy
%%
"I think there were some differences, there's no question, and will
 still be. We're talking about a major, major situation here that
 requires constant work.  But it was well worth it and there's much
 more to it than just this -- I mean just these sixteen
 accomplishments or whatever: I mean, we've got a major rapport-
 relationship of economics, major in the security, and all of that,
 we should not lose sight of."
-- George Bush, 1/10/92 to reporters, on his trip to Japan
%%
In an article about the merits of zoos, the Georgia Straight, a free
Vancouver weekly, reports

      Dr. Peter Crowcroft of the department of zoology at the University of
   Texas is a former director of zoos. In a UBC lecture earlier sponsored
   by the Vancouver Institute earlier this year, he said: "You cannot
   overestimate the ignorance of the average person. We once did a very
   interesting experiment. We had an empty pen with a barn at the back. We
   left the barn door open and put up a sign that read: 'UNICORN. EXTINCT
   DUE TO EDUCATION. FEEDS ON FLOWER PETALS. ATTRACTED TO VIRGINS.' Most
   people that came along tried to peer in the open door, convinced that
   the unicorn was hiding somewhere in the barn. Except for one little boy
   who said to his father, 'But Daddy! There's no such thing.' To which
   Daddy replied, 'Don't be stupid. Can't you read the sign?'"

-- rec.humor.funny
%%
After spending a few 24-hour sessions with my new '386 box, I have
come to realize the basic difference between a Hacker and a User:

A User buys a faster computer so he can spend _less_ time with it.

-- lee@puck.mport.com
%%
The following was sent to me by Dr.Adrian Melott, Associate Professor of
Physics and Astronomy here at the University of Kansas:


THE BURNING QUESTION OF HEAVY BOOTS

I put two multiple choice questions on my Physics 111 test, after the
study of elementary mechanics and gravity:

13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it
    go, it will:
        (a) float away
        (b) float where it is
        (c) move sideways
        (d) fall to the ground
        (e) none of the above

25. When the Apollo astronauts wre on the Moon, they did not fall off because:
        (a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon
        (b) the Moon has gravity
        (c) they wore heavy boots
        (d) they had safety ropes
        (e) they had spiked shoes


The response showed some interesting patterns!  The first question was
generally of average difficulty, compared with the rest of the test:
57% got it right.  The second question was easier: 73% got it right.

So, we need more research to explain the people who got #25 right but
did not get #13 right!

The second interesting point is that these questions proved to be
excellent discriminators: that is, success on these two questions
proved to be an extremely good predictor of overall success on the
test.

On the first question, 92% of those in the upper quarter of the test
score got it right; only 20% of those in the bottom quarter did.  They
generally chose answers (a) or (b).  On the second question, 97% in
the upper quarter got it right and 33% in the lower quarter did.  The
big popular choice of this group was (c)...33% chose heavy boots,
followed closely by safety ropes at 27%.

A telling comment on the issue of fairness in teaching elementary
physics: Two students asked if I was going to continue asking them
about things they had never studied in the class.

-- Adrian Melott
%%
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
computer crashes.
%%
A history professor was walking along the beach when he found a lamp
half-buried in the sand.  He rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and
offered him 1 wish of his choice.

The professor drew a map of the Middle East in the sand showing
Israel, Lebanon, Egypt, Syria, Iraq, Iran and Jordan, and proceeded to
describe the history of conflicts in this region.  The discussion
continued on for two hours.  Finally he tells the genie, "My wish is
to bring peace to this area".  The genie thinks long and hard and
finally admits, "This is an impossible task.  Are you sure there isn't
something else I can do?"

The professor thinks for a minute and asks "Can you get my wife of ten
years to give me a blowjob?".

The genie thinks for a minute and replies "Can we go take another look
at that map?"

-- aspfwjm@muppet.dnet.ge.com
%%
From our news' errlog...

relaynews: control `newgroup alt.music.pop.will.eat.itself.X.Y.&.Z.electrix.sun
shine.mix' looks unsafe to execute

Discriminating piece of code, wouldn't you say?

-- chohan@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Harpal Chohan)
%%
Q:  What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A:  One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other's just a fish.
%%
Q:  Why does New Jersey have so much industrial waste and
    Washington, D.C. so many lawyers?
A:  New Jersey had first choice.
%%
Q:  What's the difference between God and lawyers?
A:  God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
%%
Q:  How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
A:  Six if you slice them very thin.
%%
Q:  How was copper wire invented?
A:  Two lawyers trying to pick up the same penny.
%%
Q:  How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A:  His lips are moving.
%%
Q:  How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
%%
Q:  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A:  It might be your bicycle.
%%
Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the
    party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby
    and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the
    second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
    position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
    duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
    illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
    through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
    primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
    any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
    second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
    agreement between the parties.  The aforementioned removal
    transaction shall include, but not be limitedto, the following
    steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
    elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
    any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
    (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
    in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
    Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
    ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
    the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
    Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and
    federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
    part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of
    the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This
    installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse
    of the procedures described in step one of this self-same
    document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in
    a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

   NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
    the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
    authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most
    possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as
    "Partnership."
%%
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked, "How much is 2+2?"

The housewife replies, "Four!"

The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those
figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights, and asks in a hushed voice,
"How much do you want it to be?"
%%
Q.  How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  472.  One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
    WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle ...
%%
Q.  How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  Three.  Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the light bulb
    into a faucet.
%%
Q.  How many staff managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
    burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as managers, can do to
    make the light bulbs work smarter, not harder.
%%
Q.  How many PC repair people does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  PC Repair has received your Email concerning your hardware problem
    and has assigned your request Service Order Number 39713.  Please use
    this number for any future reference to this case of trouble.  As soon
    as a technician becomes available you will be contacted.
%%
Q.  How many technical support people does it take to change a light
    bulb?
A.  We have an exact copy of that light bulb here and it seems to be
    working fine.  Can you tell me what kind of a system you have?  OK.
    Just exactly how dark is it?  OK.  There could be four or five things
    wrong.  Have you tried the light switch?  Well try it now.  OK.  Look
    over by the door.  Is there a little rectangular thing on the wall?
    It might be a beige color.  Good.  That's called a light switch.
%%
Q.  How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  You're still thinking procedurally.  A properly-designed light
    bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
    class, so all you'd have to do is send it a light bulb change message.
%%
Found in the AIX 3.2 /usr/include/sys/dir.h file on a IBM RS/6000

#ifdef  _SUN
/*
 * Copyright (c) 1988 by Sun Microsystems, Inc.
 */
#endif  /* _SUN */
%%
Q:   How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb?

                    swimming
A:   None, fish are          through the       of my conciousness,
            and                          edges
            I          dark. 
              like the
%%
(True story)

"I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic.  Driving to work
this morning on I-95 I look over to my left and there's this woman in a
Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view
mirror putting on her eyeliner!  I look away for a couple seconds and
when I look back she's halfway over in my lane.  Scared me so bad I
dropped my electric shaver in my coffee."
%%
"Anti-ninjas were the most feared assassins in the world. Instead of
 appearing out of thin air, throwing metal stars and messing around
 with bo staffs and numchuks they simply shot people and then drove
 everyone mad with pointless conspiracy theories for years
 afterwards."

--From "N-Man #3"
%%
This guy did _research_ in an attempt to bring _actual facts_ into a
perfectly good USENET flamewar?  I think that for the good of the net
we've got to stop this madman before this ugliness catches on.

Set keyboards on vaporize, men, for the good of us all.

-- laurence@cco.caltech.edu (Dustin Lee Laurence)
%%
"As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves
 to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other
 people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons."
--Dave Barry
%%
"I want peace on earth, and goodwill towards man."

  "We don't do that kind of thing, we're the United States Government."

 -- _Sneakers_
%%
"Reasonable?  REASONABLE?  Cerebus is tired of being reasonable.
 Cerebus is going to try HOMICIDAL instead.  Cerebus is going to chop
 you all up and make bureaucrat stew..."

-- the short, gray, furry guy
%%
"Impossible odds; Mentally unbalanced foes; cramped quarters for a
 good punch-up... and people say Iest has no night life."
-- Cerebus
%%
"...Cats and other animals mark off their territory by urinating
 around its perimeter.  Apparently cats can identify each other this
 way.  Suppose someone comes up with a tiny device capable of doing an
 instant urinalysis, thereby providing a foolproof identification.
 Each terminal could be equipped with one of these devices, along with
 a discrete [sic] sign reading: 'For login, please deposit sample
 here.'  This might be an absolutely unbreakable system, but it would
 probably have a fairly serious user acceptance problem."

-- _Operating Systems: Design and Implementation_
   by Andrew S. Tanenbaum  (1987, Prentice-Hall).
%%
This is a true fact.  Shortly before Bill Clinton took the inaugural oath
of office, the band struck up the theme song from Monty Python.

If this was actually programmed by Clinton's staff, it may forbode an
interesting four years.  Alternate theory: some undergraduates from
Cal Tech swapped the band's sheet music.
%%
A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a
question.

  "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.

  The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
relied upon to know these things.  He thought for several minutes
before replying.

  "I don't see why not.  Its got bloody well everything else."

  With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch.  The novice suddenly achieved
enlightenment, several years later.
%%
Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.
%%
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
 massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a
 source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it."
-- Gene Spafford
%%
In some ways we are more confused than ever, but we feel that we are
confused on a higher level and about more important things.
-- unknown                              
%%
Ha.  As a general rule, cats are mobile food consumption units
with _maybe_ enough brainpower to remember how to eat their food.
Anything else they do is caused by the two brain cells colliding.
Think of them as furry brownian motion that purrs.
-- orc@pell.chi.il.us
%%
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was
standing on the shoulder of giants.
        -- Isaac Newton

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants
were standing on my shoulders.
        -- Hal Abelson

In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
        -- Brian K. Reed
%%
Death to Vermin.
%%
"... You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't."

        "But that's not *fair*!"

"Of course it's not fair. We're *evil*. Look it up."
%%
Aunt Em:     
Hate you.  Hate Kansas.  Taking the dog.
	-- Dorothy
%%
TV for Tuesday, 16 April 1999, 8 pm, Ch. 9  LET FREEDOM WRING (Comedy/Drama)

Frustrated and bored by the lack of a clear scientific goal, the eight, or
possibly four, astronauts on Space Station Freedom set up a mock TV game show
and take turns trying to guess the cost of various on-board components.  The
monotony is broken by an order from OSHA requiring that a wheel-chair ramp be
constructed on the docking port, or NASA may no longer accept Federal funds. 
Special guest star:  President Dan Quayle, on his way to Mars. 
%%
rajat@carson.u.washington.edu (Rajat Kumar Singh) writes:
>       Hey guys :
>       
>       Looks like every one on the net has finally got a SO. Nobody seems
>       to be sitting in front of terminal anymore.

Actually you're wrong.  What really happened is that everyone outside
of Seattle was brutally killed and eaten by large carnivorous rhubarbs.

You'll find evidence for this from the fact that you can only read news
generated at the UW - Obviously, everyone else on earth is dead.  I know
they were killed by rhubarbs because I subscribe to alt.agriculture.rhubarb
and stories of rhubarb farmers mysteriously dissappearing have been cropping
up for years.  In fact, one poster, BARBARU@plantlife.agri.gov has often
updated us on the Rhubarb Invasion Plan (RIP) which involves a great many
factors - such as capturing all tv news media personnel and forcing them
to read lines off the teleprompter at gunpoint, and using massive weather
control machinery to create floods in the midwest - thereby aiding the
cause of all fruits and vegetables.

We're still alive here because the Rhubarb Central Council considers the
greater Seattle area holy ground and all Rhubarbs are forbidden to wage
war within 300 miles of the city.

WARNING!  WARNING!

_DO NOT_ travel to eastern Washington!  The Rhubarb Commandos have already
captures Spokane and have agents as far west as Yakima!  The _ONLY_ safe
place is Seattle (expect to see Rhubarb pilgrims coming through soon) and
the Hanford Nuclear Reservation (which is singly responsible for slowing
down the Rhubarb advance upon western Washington)

REPEAT!  DO _NOT_ TRAVEL TO EASTERN WASHINGTON!

[alt.romance]
%%
"We are Microsoft. UNIX is irrelevant.            
 OS/2 is irrelevant. Openness is futile.          
 Prepare to be assimilated."

--prs@turing.org
%%
                ENEMY WANTED

Mature, North American Superpower seeks hostile nation for arms
racing, third world conflicts, and general antagonism.  Must be
sufficiently menacing to convince Congress to fund us.  Nuclear
capability preferred, near-nuclear considered.  Earth, anywhere.
Send note and picture of tank battalions to General C. Powell, 
The Pentagon, Washington, D.C., U.S.A.
%%
The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born?
Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing?

Think about these once in a while, and watch your answers change.

-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%%
Lemmingineering -- the process of engineering systems by blindly
following techniques the masses are following without regard to the
appropiateness of those techniques.
%%
In article <1993Dec1620.08.15.9859@silverton.berkeley.edu> 
   djb@silverton.berkeley.edu (D. J. Bernstein) writes:

>   Well, golly gee, have you never heard of universities? Some of us 
>   actually care about internal security. We can't just firewall ourselves
>   off from the world and shoot users who don't cooperate.

firewalling may be a bit extreme for a university, I agree.
what's wrong with shooting users?
%%
"Curse you, Batman!  May you fall down a flight of stairs and break
 every tooth in your head except one, and in that may you have a
 toothache for the rest of your life, which won't be very long!"

-- King Tut, Episode 88 (Batman's Waterloo)
%%
>What I do see
>here is the typical confusion that is associated with those that do not
>have the "ears to hear" the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ (Mt
>11:15).  No offense intended.

Nice backpedal.  Have you given your life to Ushura, the Invisible Pink
Unicorn yet?  She will condemn you to hell for all eternity if you don't.
No offense intended.

-- alt.christnet.christianlife
%%
"My wife said she was going to put the dinner on.
 Imagine my surprise when she walked in the living
 room with a freshly made casserole poured over her
 head. How we laughed on the way to the burns unit".
-- anonymous
%%
"Trespassers will be." - Buddhist warning sign
%%
"A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
 least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left
 of your unit."
-- U.S. Army PS magazine, August 1993 issue
%%
Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT.  You feel sleepy.  Notice how
restful it is to watch the cursor blink.  Close your eyes.  The opinions
stated above are yours.  You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise.